Sitara

First, I love that you opened with these bells - they are alive and crying. So beautiful.

What works for me in children's fantasy is lots of imagery along with the ordinary touched by a hint of extraordinary - not too much, just a touch. I think you are achieving this here in your writing.

Mr. Harte is endearing. He's real within this fantasy world. You narrate with care. We aren't simply told that Harte wants to leave Estrella's room, we are shown through his actions and the presence of other objects. The darkening mirror, fumbling for the door knob.

These are details other writers often miss as they are so caught up in the plot. What they forget - but you do not - is these items are an integral part of the plot.
Absolutely beautiful!
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

This is a beautifully written book and your pitch draws us in with its picture of magic and excitement. You begin well with the point of view of the cat, moving on to the prophecy of Estella, and the promise of the four who will free the land from the Sorcerer and break his power. Then you allow us to meet Sitara, a vivid individual whom we immediately like and feel drawn to. You move your plot on quickly, and your story grips us. Your characters are excellently drawn, especially Sitara, and the demonstration of her magic in the light which 'pulsed and danced around' her is impressive and appealing. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

You have a fine contributtion to the Fantasy genre Raman. The pace is excellent, with no unnecessary detail clogging things up, and the storyline is clear, making it easy to slip into the tale. The dialogue also brings to life the characters, giving each of them different personalities. I can't think of anything you might do to improve the book. It has been well edited and appears to me like a finished package, shelved
Scott.

Hi Raman,

Sitara and Stern are memorable characters that the reader instantly falls into love with. I give you a hat's-off for such excellent characterization. This tale is full of magical wonder and page turning suspense. I believe this book will do well amongst all fantasy readers, not just Young Adults. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

Great to see this unusual and colourful choice of cultures for a fantasy, rather than yet another bog-standard cod-medieval. The writing flows nicely, with some fine sensory images. I did feel that it could be tightened and trimmed with another edit - at present there is a fair amount of repetition, and perhaps more interior monologue than is really needed. You handle the omniscient pov comfortably, so don't worry about 'head-hopping'.

I'm just a bit too old for the readership you're targeting I think, but I very much enjoyed the opening two chapters.
Full of life and charm, with a strong sense of adventure to follow for Stern and Sitara.
Young adults will love this story I'm sure.
All the very best Raman.
James.

This is excellent. I would have snatched it off the shelf if it were in a store.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal blood Chronicles book one. I hope you will give mine a look!

I enjoyed the skill with which you established the setting in the first few paragraphs.
Backed.
Tom Kepler
The Stone Dragon

I think it's fabulous thus far! I noticed that you get a little bit wordy at times, I only mention it since it is a sin I to am guilty of on a regular basis. All in all wonderful world, excellent writing, superbly done. Backed with pleasure!

Your vivid imagination has created a new world and your smooth writing style easily transports the reader there. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb. A well constructed and well written piece of work that will appeal to your target audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is intriguing and has some lovely descriptions, I love the paragraph of what Estrella has seen in the mirror. The whole first chapter gives out a strange and enormous power so that the reader wants to read on to find out what will happen. A good fantasy tale with depth and imagination. I shall add to my w/list to read more.

Backed,

Lisa

Technically the writing is very good. Occasionally it gets a bit wordy but overallit is easy to read and flows well. I liked seeing thgings from the cat's view, although I would have liked for the cat to have had some kind of arc to his story, at the moment he sort of slides out of view and is forgottten, which felt like a shame considering how central he was at the beginning. A matter of taste though.

The story has a definite direction and voice to it and i think it shows a lot of promise. I liekd th edialogue especially. Backed.

Sitara:

Good opening with the cat.

An entertaining read, and your writing does a good job of drawing me right into the scenes. I would, however suggest tightening this some, and it will be an even stronger read.

Try not to overuse ‘ly’ ending words and ‘begans’ and wases, such as in places like the ones below.

– and began to toll the hour/and tolled the hour – and began its long trek toward the center/and trekked toward the center- You have three ‘begans’ in this first parapraph. You also have ‘nightly’ prowl, and ‘nightly’ patrols. I don’t think you need either as we already know it’s midnight?

-and began to arrange his things/and arranged his things –

Now for the wases, but check throughout?

The cat was invisible to any onlookers, hidden as it was between the shadows… you have three wases in this sentence. Try – The cat, invisible to onlookers, hid between the shadows, etc?

The light was emanating/the light emanated
-what he was seeing/what he’d seen
-was moving about her head/moved about her head
-was waning in the land/waned in the land

After saying all of the above, please keep in mind that I’m no pro so you may not agree with me.;)

This does have potential and I think your YA audience will love it.

All the best, and I have backed it.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Your writing/punctuation is very clean. This isn't my kind of story but it's well written and perfect for it's target audience.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Sitara is a wholly formed world with engaging imagery.. the heroine, Sitara, comes alive quite quickly.. very well done, perfect for both YA and adult.. Backed and best wishes

Having only read the opening, I was enticed. I will proceed to read the rest this evening, but I had a slot on my shelf and thought i'd shelve it.
Please return the favor if you are so inclined.
Thanks
Christopher heltai
Crossing The LIne

This is very visual, and lyrical. People always go on about switching, and clearly separating different povs, but I really like the way you ease from the cat, to Mr. Harte, to Estrella. It works realy well. The mirror and the tall, cold man are very intriguing too, and it's a climactic end and hook to this first chapter.
A couple of things: You have '... he was hearing: he was hearing prophecy.' - I can see the poetry of this, but feel it would have more impact if it was just '... he was hearing: prophecy.'
also: '... dawn crept over Sooraj slowly,' - don't think you need the 'slowly', the phrase is stronger without it.
Anyway, great stuff. Backed.

Very discriptive and a wonderfully tale, I like it very much. Two thumbs up and good luck. E. Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one. (I'm tired of twiilight too!)

This is perfectly crafted fantasy. Your pitch is enticing and your prose is full of rich descriptions and fascinating characters. Sitara is just the most fascinating characters and is an ideal foil for embroiling the reader in your most wonderfully imaginative story.
I am happy to back this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

This is a wonderful story I think I know a few 12 -16 year olds who would love this. It has all of the elements and you have a unique voice. You are beautivly descriptive ( A cat the colour of smoke) I see that its inconplete I hope you go on to finish it as its a good book.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley

That pitch will have fantasy lovers drooling. I'm not one of them, but for me it's the magical qualities of your book I like. Too many authors think a weird name or two and an imaginary planet is enough to make pedestrian stodge believable. You make us believe totally in your world and characters even though they're strange to us. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Thank you for bringing Sitara to my attention.. I did like the action of this story which began quickly, appreciated the description of the attack against the soldiers for the benefit of the boy. This part was very visual for me.. allowing me to see her the wind the flames. best wishes Cookie "BEING"

This is a book I would very much enjoy reading. Backed with pleasure. Marj.

Hello Sitara, I like the feel of your story, it is well written and described and is just right for your chosen genre. I will give it a spin on my SHELF. Good luck with this. If you have time would you have a look at A Passing Storm for me please?

Phyllis
A Passing Storm

A really lovely opening chapter with some beautiful descriptions - I loved the deep and sad bells, and the small man who led a rather small life.
The second chapter gets into the story proper smoothly, and I loved the closing line. Melena’s love for Sitara helped me, as a reader, care about her as well.
This is a very strong piece of writing, and a pleasure to read.
I am happy to support this story.
Cheers, Kit Matthews (Insight)

Children will absolutely love this! You use of imagery is wonderful- especially in your open paragraph. There are a couple of places that could use a tiny edit, for example, the first one I saw was "came awake"... maybe something like "awakened" or "awoke"? other than small things like that, the story is wonderful. I am happy to show this one off on my shelf!

Brittany
My Last Notes

I'm sorry if I don't do direct quotes (because I can't cut and paste) and I have a poor name recall, but I will do my best:)

I very much like the zoom in effect in the first chapter, it's different, and the tension is good. It had a nice feel. Probably my favorite chapter of all.

The overall story line and characterization is good, you have fitting dialog, there are just many technical problems in the dialog tags and format. I'll get to that.

First, this was harsh, but I liked it.... "be a little less you"

Okay...You do have some very descriptive and pretty writing, but by being so descriptive you're creating a giant rift between the reader and characters. Very few people are able to create an "omni-narrator" perspective without creating a story that feels like a history book.

You can work on this. Yes... really pay attention to the show vs. tell threads. Learn about it, then, you'll know in your heart when you can break the rule. This story will be much much better with more "show".

The second chapter had way too much back story in the beginning. You would've been better off letting the girl in the mirror see that part and cut back. I understand you're trying to create a mood of dread but too much exposition will again... pull the reader away from the intimacy. You do much better in later chapters, but then go into another problem.

Head hopping. The narrator goes from character to character and true... most readers won't be bothered, but it again pulls us away from the characters and makes the reader less...um...sympathetic with an individual when it counts like in chapter 4? the paragraph, "Melena broke then" it goes back and forth in that one paragraph.

I really don't mind a story from several POVs, it just has to be told in each scene from one person at a time or I get confused as to whose mind I'm occupying. Again what am I going to say? It creates distance.

Watch the first ten minutes of the last "Transformer" movie and you'll understand what I mean by distance. Watch the first ten minutes of "District Nine" and you'll understand what I mean by intimacy. One is lived and one is told.

Chapter to chapter POV switches...fine... chapter sections... fine... two or more in one chapter and scene...no.

Next Format:

I would say break up some of the longer paragraphs for easier reading online, in print it doesn't matter much, but it can be very difficult to keep place on a monitor. Also in the age of Twitter and iPads, even publishers are looking for easy screen reads.

Dialog structure is a big issue.

When using dialog, keep the flow. If it's a long bit of dialog, it's okay to break up, but in the fifth? paragraph chapter 1, there's three quotes and three tag lines. It's too much and I sort of became lost in what was speech and what was tag. IMHO, I'd say make three separate paras or cut back on the tags.

Plus, you tend to put dialog in the middle of a paragraph. Doing that plus head hopping really creates a breeding ground for misunderstandings. Wait, who said that? Always make a new paragraph. Starting with the dialog first.

You can also cut back on tags because the words say it all. "Let's move on you ,fools!" voice echoed... the men stood in unison... are the key elements denoting the man's authority without saying. Menacingly and effectively add nothing but more words.

Dialog from the past or in thought, like in chapter 5? she sounded like... and his mother had said... needs to be in italics or I think ... is he saying it aloud and not thinking it?

Anyway, I hope this is useful and I have not offended you in any way. You do have a wonderful story, that will only get better with some tightening and loosening in the right places.

Peace out,

Sangay Glass

Wow! I loved your story from the beginning of the chapter. This is a beautifully written I ever have read. Best Fantaisy book. Backed.
Bamboo Promise

I like the beginning with the bells, and the cat taking us through the streets and history of the city – leading us on into the story. The dimly lit room with the man and the girl. She has a gift of sight into what is to be. Good end to the chapter with the tall man and the promise of what Esrella sees in the mirror. Compelling. Good luck with this. GPJ

You have a unique mind. You imagination is off the hook. I applaud your work.

This is a good story: two young people with the responsibility to save their world from a tyrant. The mark of the book is the bonus they have of being able to perform some magic. And it's written in a smooth, flowing style that carries a reader's eyes from one sentence to the next, then one paragraph to the next, and then on to the next page. Makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A marvelously descriptive colorful and magical read indeed. Sitara and Stern are both endearing characters and the pace is good, picking up as we move further into the book. This genre is difficult to write as a complete world needs to be fabricated from the writers imagination and sustained with a writers tools.
You have done both.
Well done and Backed with pleasure.
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

This is strong with colorful descriptions. I love the fact that the story moves well with an excellent prose.

all the best
I think this will go far for you
sue
Fate's Chastening

A very wise cat . No name? This is a wonderful story that carries a distinction all its own. Your sentences are well constructed and the pace of the book is such that you mange o keep the reader hooked on to every line. I never thought i would like a book of the genre but you do such a great job that i must change my mind.

This is really good

backed

The first couple of chapters I read were well done. I especially liked the opening and closing sentences of chapter 1.

Good Luck
Natalie

Well written fantasy book. I love the mystery of the birthmark and the magic. I think this will work perfectly for the genre. The writing is nice an easy and you've got very likable characters. I was really drawn to Sitara's character. I really enjoyed reading this fun book.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Well written for your genre.

Hsiau Hsia Moo

(The Monarch Butterfly)

You have some lovely descriptions here, and I like the premise. I dipped into several chapters at random, and I found I couldn't quite feel immersed in the story, though. It might be that "telling" rather than "showing" is holding me at a distance. It might also be that the characters of Sitara and Stern need a bit more fleshing-out, a little more unique personality in their dialogue. Or it might just be me. The basis for a good story is here - some tweaking and refining should help it really come off the page. Best of luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

It's hard not to draw comparisons with Harry Potter from your pitch. The birthmark, the youngster born with magic etc... However your writing ability is certainly strong enough to warrant you attention of your own. Your descriptive skills are first class. It's easy to fall into the world that you have created here. It sitara and stern you have two protagonist who hold the readers attention. This isn't really my genre so I can't give anything in the way of crits or tips, but I'm more than happy to back it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

A very well written fantasy story, backed. Hope you'll read mine.

First thing that hits me is how well you bring sensory description in to the opening narrative (so many people just write from the visual); it sets the scene so, so very well.
Great imagination to create this and yet keep it grounded for the reader. This has been very well written – Good Luck

Hello Raman

Firstly, thanks for your support! Next, I loved my journey into your imagination! Adore the way you set the scene instantly with the bells...and then go on to give us the setting from a cat's POV- really well done. This is good YA and I (not so YA!) would love to delve further.

Definitely backed.

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Dear Ramon Deol,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You begin from a cat’s perspective, who shrugs at those pesky, self-serving humans. I appreciate that you offset your direct addresses in dialog with commas. I grinned at the grumbling guards. You give Estella an enchanting description. I fear the Sorcerer was listening to her prophecy.

I like your prose. In my fallible opinion, you could make it even stronger by cutting most of the adverbs. Sometimes you can combine adverb and verb, such as “treading lightly” into “padded”. Sometimes the adverb is unneeded, as in “actually light”. And instead of the one in “Suddenly there was a knock”, try starting a new paragraph.

Backed, and best wishes.

Raman, I read your first chapter and I have a few comments for you.

- You tend to tell more than you show and it detracts from the imagery.
- Many of your sentences are too passive which detracts from their impact. You need more active words (words ending in -ed as opposed to -ing for example).
- Be careful with adverbs. There are often better ways to describe something without resorting to an adverb. It detracts from the scene.

With some polish you should have yourself a fine story here.

Best Wishes,

-Ron

SITARA: Love this! The descriptions are wonderful and drew me into Sitara's world. The writing is smooth, polished and lyrical. Thanks for sharing this with us!

HJ
Pearl Edda

A very creative and engaging book, backed with pleasure.

Hi Raman, what a great imagination you have, and here you have my favourite thing when considering Fantasy books, it is intelligently written. I read the other comments only after reading your first page and found myself agreeing with much that was said. Very different, which I'm sure is what publishers are looking for. Shelved,
Scott.

One does not have to read the whole book to know how the book is written and how it can hook him. yours is gripping and really good. you hook the reader by your style and the way you write. the cat and the patrol. what a thought. well done. backed

shah

One does not have to read the whole book to know how the book is written and how it can hook him. yours is gripping and really good. you hook the reader by your style and the way you write. the cat and the patrol. what a thought. well done. backed

shah

One does not have to read the whole book to know how the book is written and how it can hook him. yours is gripping and really good. you hook the reader by your style and the way you write. the cat and the patrol. what a thought. well done. backed

shah

A cat the color of smoke......love that. This has a great timelessness about it. The atmosphere, characterizations, and especially magic have a fantastical realism that is charming. Well done, and backed.

HI Raman
I really enjoyed reading the beginning for this book, you develop the characters really well and have a good descriptive style. A good read.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Raman,

Sitara and Stern are memorable characters that the reader instantly falls into love with. I give you a hat's-off for such excellent characterization. This tale is full of magical wonder and page turning suspense. I believe this book will do well amongst all fantasy readers, not just Young Adults. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands