Invisible Dawn

Dear Weston --

When even your pitch made me unexpectedly break out in goosebumps, you know that you've got something good happening. You match that promise throughout Invisible Dawn with excellent pacing and authentic dialogue. Then you augment the strong plot with finely drawn characters who keep it all in motion. I can't find anything to nitpick, so I'm just going to give in and give you the backing you have so justified. :)

Thank you for supporting The Long Black Veil because you brought me here to Invisible Dawn. -- Delhui

Wow. I had intended to only read one or two chapters, but I couldn’t stop. I like how the reader has no idea what is going on at first, but keeps reading to find out. Ghosts in the street? Spectral buildings? Would a 9mm pistol be enough to take down someone with an AK57? And then there are those real mercenaries chasing him, at least he thinks so. Images of Blade Runner for some reason kept creeping into my mind. As for the pacing, it’s pretty flawless. The author does a great job of explaining what is happening while somehow keeping things running at a breakneck pace. It’s a real talent. As a cherry on top, the occasional journal entries at the start of chapters shows that this world is well thought out and well planned out. The story told is part of something bigger. Backed with pleasure and I want to read much more from Weston Kincade.

Grabbed me by the throat and hung on. This is paced fast and necessarily so, no time for languishing around melding into the background with this read.

This has shock value yet handled better than mere..boo! It shocks the primal instincts flight or fight...and you have us, running looking behind us and growing more afraid and angry with every step.

backed with absolute pleasure. this one imo deserves to hit the ED.
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under.

We see - and feel - the 'fragmented mental scrapbook' of the trauma which comes to Daniel, both from his dream and through the recollections which are condensed into the internal monologue.
The seedy setting of his apartment, filled with 'stale cigarette smoke,' creates a mood that matches his own and by the time I had reached the end of your first chapter, the one thing that stood out most - other than the feeling of growing jeopardy from shadowy pursuers - is the internal consistency of your plot line; from dream, to recollection to involvement in real drama...
Towards the end, a new mystery emerges in the fearful woman with auburn hair, and this hooks me into Chapter 2.
I wanted - but didn't need - to read Chapter 2, to know that I was in the hands of an author who could write a thriller which would stand out from the rest. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Well I promised to get back to you after I read it all. However, looks like you have left it open for a sequel. I feel certain the chase will continue. I think that is what makes it so interesting. Most really good fantasy novels have either a quest, a journey, or a lot of movement from one place to another. This has all of that and more.

I was fascinated by your characters. They are all different and have their own personalities. You have set the scenes in unique circumstances with the clever use of portals. You give a lot of detail on how things work and it put me right there as it moved along.

You have an unusual choice of words in many instances that made your writing sparkle and then merge into shadows where surprises lurked. I enjoyed the excitement.

Great story.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Weston. You obviously know your craft, and your creative use of punctuation doesn't detract from the writing as it does with so many other manuscripts I've read. The writing itself is vivid, descriptive (sometimes just one or two words over-the-top but again, not to the point that it detracts from the pace of the story). I think this writing is about as well-balanced as any I've seen and it keeps me turning the pages...thanks! Bryant Kearney- THE MILLSTONE

the ending is like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon with vampires

I read your prologue.

General comments: An intriguing start to what is certain to be an exciting adventure. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Atmospheric. Good world building. Good action writing. Slow pacing. Not a lot of tension in the prologue until the stranger shows up.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'His digital clock glowed red, 5:04 AM.' '5:04 AM' should be '5:04 a.m.'
2) ' ... but time was catching up' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a novel way.
3) 'Black Force was after him, and they were just as well trained as he' hooked me. Consider starting your story here.
4) 'Like a leopard at a zebra party.' Nice similie. Effective.
5) 'Daniel flew down the stairs' is cliche. You might want to try to write the same action, but in a new way.
6) 'Cast aside like rag dolls' is cliche. Consider writing the same image, but in a fresh way.
7) The phantom shyscraper amped up my interest.
8) "How could such a thing exist?" he asked in disbelief. Technically, 'he' refers to the man who entered the building.
9) ' ... he was astonished by what he saw' is telling. Consider showing this important emotional reaction to the woman/girl in the kimono.
10) 'He was a sitting duck' is cliche. Rewrite this one also.
11) 'Entering the shadow building, the strange man vanished from sight.' The stranger had entered the building earlier in the scene.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first scenes. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" in shape for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you read my first chapter and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Al

Filled with artful tableaus, moments of poetry even in the fast moving violence and cruelty of man.
Makes us hope, and press onward.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

This is enticing from the first paragraph with the inciting incident of the child haunting Daniel through the mirror. You have a great structure with a solid dramatic arch.

Tension is introduced further as the reader becomes aware of Daniel's danger. Rising as the 'Black Force' is introduced, their presence threatening the lives of his neighbours and then accelerating as in the crowd, Daniel espies the man in the fedora.

The introduction of the phantoms intrigues, deepening the plot, adding texture. The reader's imagination is fired with the 'strangeness' of the man in the fedora phasing through a father and daughter. Then tension rises steeply to the climax where Daniel sees the phantom skyscraper. (quote: 'the edges, blue like the threads of shimmering spiderwebs.')

This is so highly visual as you take the reader to the climax where Daniel sees the phantomn woman in strange dress yet noticed by the crowd, unlike the man inthe fedora.

The reader is then hooked as the chapter ends with Daniel torn between helping the woman or saving his own life.

The prose flow faultlessly inviting intimacy with the reader even though it is in third person.
The plot has twists already in the first chapter and the pace is fast.
I like the way the interior dialogue drives the plot forward without going into passages of pure exposition.
The descriptive passages again do not sink intopure expositon but are drip fed into the plot and grounding the characters.
The characters are highly visual capturing the imagination.
Thoroughly enjoyed the read and wish you all the best with this intriguing story. I shall be back for more.

Backed with pleasure and high starred.

Best wishes,
Katy.
Phobic Dawn.

final chapter: is this the end?
spelling: leapt

chapter 5/ your 4: great escape, believable and tense, showing off the new super powers under duress

diction: sparse is a rare word, and you've used it twice in two pages
consisteny of search duration: last chapter was 10 years, this time its over a dozen, thirteen, and lifelong.
stuttered at the sound -> shuddered
the bed got closer to what?
double-paned

opinion:
stepping nakedly - maybe bare feet slapping on the linoleum
only to awaken - the only can be cut
reading this, I'm even more sure you should try moving "1" back to its proper place.

chapter 4 : your 3. good back story / secret agent vibe

is thanks for your service an idiom? I usually hear business, loyalty, patronage or choosing us
spelling : intact
subjunctive: if the administraor were operating ... he... this is also a bad pronoun, referring to the admin.
you could just taked out the were and say operated or went if were seems wonky

disastrous consequences, most
if telepathy were (subjunctive)

diction off - relieve her of imprisonment - free, liberate, end,
had not seen Maria

opinion - I might try moving this to chapter one after the preface

over all: you might consider an opening quote in the novel about the invisible sun from Plato or wherever you ot the title from.

chapter 3 (your 2): good, the other main characters meet.
opening: I don't remember her hearing Jedd's name before
redundancy: heat from from an overheated weapon.
spelling:dying
opinion:
cheek scars would have been remarked on earlier. indeed, you could ask people on the street which way the guy with the cheek scars went. I taught in the Nigerian Education Program for a while, and could pick my students out of a crowd or in a library.
how old is he again? does he find her attractive or just a child to be protected?
the foot bleeding might remind him of something - stigmata, mermaid syndrome, etc

chapter 2 (your 1) very "Hearts in Atlantis"
spelling: ulm -> 'em
where did the liquid glisten?

opinion:
"closer to own demise", "cries of time" was a little vague/purple. i would trim about half the first paragraph because it is done better later.
every part of her body wouldn't be on fire yet, maybe legs and lungs. In the words of Spinal Tap, don't start out at 11, leave something for later,

Chapter 1: great start, good hooks.
throwing the blue button confused me, though.
watching this till I read enough to rate!

Hello again, Weston: After reading ten chapters, I've reached the conclusion that the writing is fine but you still have a problem of organization. I'm confused about the sequence of events, and feel that the use of such devices as a prologue and excerpts from Madelin's journal are only complicating matters. Since you are the 'universal author', you're at liberty to start with any character you please (though usually the main character is best). My advice is to place the chapters in linear sequence, starting perhaps with the present prologue (but calling it Chapter 1), then bringing in Madeline and Daniel as Chapter 2 as you have done), and continuing from there. Some short bridges throughout would help--"Meanwhile," "Several days later," etc. I think it's important not to confuse the reader, and writing as the universal author largely relieves you of concern about 'author intrusion'.

One thing that caught my eye was the word "esophagus" when someone gripped Madelin from behind. You probably meant "trachea," the windpipe, since the esophagus goes to the stomach.

I want to thank you again for backing "The Doctor of Summitville." I'm still hung up around 100 after reviewing over 700 books and receiving nearly as many positive comments. As you know, the old backings are no longer in effect, so I wonder if you'd consider backing my novel again when there's room on your shelf. I intend to back yours when others have been shelved for over 24 hours.

Best of luck, Bill

The title immediately caught my attention, but even still your first chapter completely blew me out of the water! Your prose is amazingly descriptive but so tight it never even comes close to losing the pace of the action. And I love the subtle humor. Extremely well written and a very intriguing premise.

You might even want to include the horror tag on this. chilling writing, evocative prose, and a lovely dark flavor. I'm not usually a fan of sci-fi, but this is a story I would buy into. Many times I read books I think would make good movies. This is one of them. But what makes this exceptional is it's definitely a case where the book will always be better, because you do things with prose that just can't be done on the screen.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Weston,

I'm hooked. I've only read the first chapter and I can't wait to read more. This place is buzzing with good reads and if it weren't for the three kids that keep me busy all day, I would probably be stuck! BUT... I AM making a list of all the books that I want to read and yours has now become number one.... I will comment more when I am finished! By the way, thanks for backing Keepers... You're awesome!

Liza Gonzalez

Dear Weston, After reading through Chapter 10 and again through 6, I've concluded that this narrative is thrilling, original, and well written. But something troubles me: the order of presentation. I get confused if the story line isn't linear, usually starting with the main character and using well-delineated flashbacks if necessary. Could you consider following Chapter 1 with 6--that is, continuing with Robertson and connecting (in the new 2) with the main character, Madelin? Chapter 3 could then follow--her journal. I see no advantage, artistic or otherwise, in confusing the reader at the start. Of course, there's plenty of room for disagreement, and I'll back "Invisible Dawn" in any case. It's a great idea and loaded with tension and atmosphere.

Bill Carrigan
"The Doctor of Summitville"

Invisible Dawn brings the excitement of a cosmic game of hide-and-seek. Good characters, good pacing, good mystery. I sense, through Daniel, that the theme of redemption will feature. The acronyms you've devised are very clever: PUS, PASTOR, etc. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

This is an interesting world & an exciting start to your novel. I read chapters 1 & 2. Your descriptive powers are spot on for my taste. The opening paragraph of chapter 1 really pulled me in. In chapter 2 I liked the repeated mention of static & the messages in her head. This definitely seems like my kind of thing from what I have read. Backed.

This is soooo visually appealing. You have a gift for painting pictures. I saw the chase in flashes of a movie and it was damn exciting! Thank you for the read.

Lacey

Invisible Dawn is beautifully written, Weston. The scenery is very well described and the intriguing prose grows as the reading progresses. Looks like you found the title of your book where I found mine.

Backed with great pleasure,

David Placeres
Sunless Shadows

The pitch grabbed my attention immediately. Seeing ghosts and others dimensions is natural for me, so how could I pass this one by? Engaging characters and a brilliant plot, makes this a fast paced, spine chilling story. You create great imagery with your vivid descriptive talents. This is the work of a fascinating mind, and I wish you well. Backed. Eunice - The Temple dancer.

You have created plenty of mystery and intrigue to keep the reader interested. This is fast paced and has excellent characters. A thoughtful look at reality too...almost philosophical, whilst your descriptions are poetic.
Just one little error I noticed - in 'phantom friends', 'Pedestrians passing by and gave her a sidelong look...' doesn't need the 'and'.
I enjoyed the chapters I read and wish I had time to read it all.
Backed.

love the concept here, and the mix of mutant themes and existence being a multilevelled thing where everyone is connected is a theme I use strongly in my book. Any lover of scifi will like this, I do.

This is the kind of contemporary cross-genre book I don't think publishers buy enough. Backed! If you have time please check out my THE WANDERER AND THE HILL. Regards.

From Ch 1 I'd say you're a writer Weston. A few pointers to digest or ignore - your call, my friend.

Noticed a few 'darks' - dark jeans - dark pavement - the darkness - maybe a little more thought. Personally think your short pitch nees a shot of something, and don't like the author intrusion in the main pitch ' You can... 'If you...

You need to concentrate on the plot a liittle too much - that's just me being a thicko - all the best - Rob (When...?)

The suspense you started your story with took me to the 'Phantom Friends.' Your story is filled with excitement and lots of thrill! Hope you do well.

Glad I had the opportunity to see this - gripping from the start. Now, if only I had more time off work to read all in one go - because it certainly warrants it.

All the best, Lisa (Death And The City)

A philosophical question at the heart of this. The answer is surely yes - we'd all seek the positive change. Perhaps you need to change the name from Madelin given the high profile search for that child and the extended search in your plot.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Dear Weston,
I like your phrasing 'time stained face" "shredded kimono" "phantom skyscraper". I think you are quite expert at the language of writing. So nice!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Dear Weston, I loved the whole idea and you have put it together so well. I like the thought that ghosts are from an adjacent dimension not far away. Excellent writing indeed. Great title which will really help to sell it! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Hi Weston,

Your premise is what encouraged me to read the book. I think you open with a good chapter full of suspense and intrigue. It definitely makes one want to read on. Good pacing and characterisation. So far, it has grabbed my attention.

Shinzy :)

Interesting premise. Well-written. Good pace. I read through seven chapters and didn't get bored.

The blurb made me think of Cliff McNish's Silver Child, but for grown-ups (worth a read, by the way, if you like children's literature). Nothing like it, of course, and I'm glad.

A couple of niggling things:

(niggling thing 1) Is being forty-three years old that bad? Not everybody at that age looks as rough as Paul Gascogne, you know.

(niggling thing 2) You need to find a less intrusive way of introducing abbreviations like PUS and DME than the bracketed explanations at the beginning of Phantom Friends. Some technical writing conventions don't work in fiction; this is one of those.

Best regards.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Great first chapter! Diffidently makes me ask questions and want to keep reading. I didn't see any typos or grammar messes either, so good job with that =]
backed with high hopes for it
~Zero, No Title Needed

Invisible Dawn
Hi Weston. Much better. I really enjoyed the first chapter and went on to chapter 2. Only time stopped me reading more and I think I will leave it on my wl to come back for more!I'm still not certain about so many people being about first thing in the morning - but then again I'm not a morning person and would never take on a job that involved getting up before dawn. Good luck. Hope it does well.
Kristen Stone

Meant to write, "story's" not stories. Also, what's up with Authonomy? They don't let us edit our comments any more? That is unfortunate.

Interesting premise, well written first chapter. Glimpses into the storie's "future" from the first sentence. Each phrase moves the story forward. Good language craftsman at work here. I will back it.

INVISIBLE Dawn: Excellent! I knew there were vampires in El Paso! :) You have set this up well with Daniel in the first chapter, and then the pace gets even better in chapter 2 with Madelin. There is a lot of intrigue around her. Looking forward to seeing where this goes. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

You kept the pace up in the chapters I read and made this an exciting and well- written read. Good Luck K.J.

Wow. I had intended to only read one or two chapters, but I couldn’t stop. I like how the reader has no idea what is going on at first, but keeps reading to find out. Ghosts in the street? Spectral buildings? Would a 9mm pistol be enough to take down someone with an AK57? And then there are those real mercenaries chasing him, at least he thinks so. Images of Blade Runner for some reason kept creeping into my mind. As for the pacing, it’s pretty flawless. The author does a great job of explaining what is happening while somehow keeping things running at a breakneck pace. It’s a real talent. As a cherry on top, the occasional journal entries at the start of chapters shows that this world is well thought out and well planned out. The story told is part of something bigger. Backed with pleasure and I want to read much more from Weston Kincade.

In the first chapter I thought there was a bit of unnecessary fancification, - sentences and description added that sounded rather clever, but didn't serve any real purpose. Unfortunately I forgot to note examples. Early in Chapter 2, you have the Acronym, PUS, which I thought rather too obvious a signal that this is bad. But after that, the story races ahead, full of tension. Well written, no errors that I noticed. Backed. I think this will be a hit. Marj.

Hi Weston, I liked the feel of this and I think it has the potential to be very thrilling. Your descriptive writing is very evocative but your 'time line' seems a bit mixed up. Your first sentence suggests the character has just woken up, which would imply it is morning, especially as he reaches for a bottle 'tossed aside the night before'. But then the late-night headlights illuminated him as they burst through his window. So is it morning or night? And would headlights actually reach his window as it appears to be one an upper floor, suggested by his looking down at the sidewalk and running downstairs to leave the building? And if it is late night, would so many people be on the sidewalk blocking his run? How late at night are we talking about? Ghosts and alternate realities overlaying each other I can cope with, continuity in setting a scene is something else.
I will back this because the idea is good, but you do need to work on it. Good lucj.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - the Monkey Man

Hi Weston, here are my thoughts on your opening chapter.
Descriptions: At each wrinkle there was a split-second hesitation. Beautiful imagery.
In the dim light the proof of his years looked like scars. And again, very evocative.
…a small breeze startled the curtains to life. Great description.
…the fact that he spoke not a word of Spanish… neat way of introducing where the character is.

Nitpicks:…when it (appeared) out of reach. This sounds a little odd, perhaps: when he realised it was out of reach.
…no matter how (silent) they (tread)…. No matter how silently they trod.
…its worn (wrinkles)… since you’ve used this word earlier on, perhaps replace with ‘creases.’
…disappeared into the (miasmic) building. Not sure the bracketed word is appropriate, the dictionary definition is:
1. Noxious exhalations from putrescent organic matter; poisonous effluvia or germs polluting the atmosphere.
2. A dangerous, foreboding, or deathlike influence or atmosphere.

An extremely well written piece, tight, focused and evocative. Backed.

Putting on my WL regime to get to first thing in a.m. 11:25 here in NH and way past my bedtime. You know, I have writing and enjoying this site as a reason to become and insomniac. Unfortunately, have 4 kids who do not care for "sleep deprived" mom. Will look first thing!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

I do like what I have read to date. You have crafted a most intriguing storyline and your character development of Madeline is well done. Your imaginative writing makes your thriller fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This definitely has an apocalyptic air about it, a good start that has us mesmerized and intrigued with this world. You do a good job with characterization, giving us just enough info but not frontloading too much. Great description and pace. Really just well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

This is a fascinating story of overlapping realities. You have an intriguing and original idea here.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
The Audacity of Hope and Change

Dear Weston
great book cover but I have already said much in the comments to you already CONGRATS you are making it......I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished.
I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

HI,
No words to add to this. It is perfect.
All the best.

Backed,
S. Vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril.

Brilliantly written and very exciting. No nit picks so far. This is a really good read. Well Done & backed.

You are totally fantastic, Weston! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)