The Existence Game

amazing. i have no other words -
you got it. you describe it perfectly - usually books about these topics bother me because no one describes the feelings or situations right, but you got it.
i think this is amazing

Oh, Judy, what a powerful, compelling read. Your story is incredibly sad and moves me beyond words so it is a contradiction in terms to say I absolutely love it; but I do.
Your writing is smooth and fluid, very easy to read - not once have I had to re-read a sentence- . I particularly like the way you have crafted the first sentence of each paragraph to form a little story in itself. You cleverly link together the shades of dark and light; fear and pleasure which Alex experiences on a daily basis.
I have only read 3 chapters, enough to know that this is a 6 star read. At midnight ( just three and a quarter hours away....here in South Wales, of course.) I shall put you on my shelf next our favourite writer.
You describe 'The Pub' and it's characters so humorously. It sounds very much like a pub that Dave and I enjoy frequenting. It's called 'The Miserable Cow'; the sign outside it boasts...

Warm beer
Tastless food
Rotten jokes
So come in if you have nowhere better to go.


Good Luck with your excellent work. Mary

I like the cover and title, good combination and the brief pitches work well enough. Being pedantic I'd have suggested omitting 'Told with warmth, insight and humor' from the pitch, even though it's an accurate statement, as I'd always prefer readers to find out these qualities for themselves. Please feel free to ignore a personal observation.
As for the book, well the premise is immensely strong and you bring it out on every page. You're a talented writer with a remarkable story to tell and your character, Alex, is beautifully observed.

'I've spent thirty years taking up space and going nowhere' - Alex's declaration in chapter five is an introduction to a very strong chapter, with a powerful hook at the end and encapsulates the storyline for me.

The subject is difficult, yet you've brought it to life, taken the reader into the mindset of your character. That's a real achievement. Fine writing and a throughly professionally presented piece of work. My congratulations. I can see an avid readership for this and wish you well with it.
Jake

I have to be honest. I have little empathy, no empathy's not the right word. I have little indulgence for these types of characters, the addictive, problem-ridden types of characters who wallow and whine and just can't seem to shake themselves off and get on with it. I'm a very caring person; it's not that--I guess I just get impatient with artistic representations of drug addicts, abuse, etc. It all seems so indulgent. So I was expecting to have to use all my reserves of patience to get through this. Wow, was I wrong. The absolute artistry of your writing is that we immediately get inside Alex's head, not just as if she could be someone we know. I felt as though she could be me. I was so utterly drawn in. She's not annoying, not whiney...none of those things. She's just a woman with a remarkable problem. Your tone here is so utterly convincing and straight-faced. Chilling, what she's doing to herself, yet it seems so inevitable that we literally feel the weight she's carrying. Powerful stuff, could not tear myself away. Chills, tears. That you could hold this tone and manage this effect is amazing. Wonderfully done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Judy

I have two words to say about this work: It’s excellent! But I will say more: Your main character, Alex is very carefully drawn. Your construction of her story and personality are faultless and feel completely authentic. I felt I knew Alex personally by the end of The Existence Game.

At first, I was a little apprehensive about reading a work of fiction that dealt exclusively with mental illness. It’s an area in which I’ve worked and it’s a minefield of false belief and prejudice. You provide us with deep insights into the mind and world of the sufferer and remind us that Alex is a very real person, like anyone else we might meet, anywhere at anytime. You tell her story with compassion and tenderness. There are no sensationalism, no monsters nor bunny boilers here. The links you make between psychological suffering and the dysfunctional family, abuse and molestation provide us with important insights into the causes, not only of Alex’s suffering, but also, of mental anguish everywhere.

There are no polemics or pedantry here, its’ a great work of fiction that captures one’s heart, soul and mind and pulls you into its depths. It’s also a story of love, dedication and hopefulness, of belief in the power of the human spirit to triumph over adversity. I applaud you for writing a recovery story. Many believe that conditions like BPD can only be managed. I believe that with love, care and dedication, complete recovery is possible. I almost cheered Dr Frank – “The Frankster” – in his devoted care of Alex. Dr Frank and his like exist in real life, but they are a rarity. Medication is more often seen as a more expedient way of managing a mental illness.

Technically I couldn’t fault your work, neither in its detail (Your account of The Psych is entirely convincing) nor its brilliant execution. Your time spent editing has paid real dividends.

Very well done. I read this book end-to-end and I would recommend it wholeheartedly.

Best wishes,

Geoffrey

Your story read well. Its addictive.

The writing in these three chapters is very good and, in parts, nothing short of exquisite. Backed and very highly starred.

EXISTENCE GAME
This is an interesting look into mental illness. Alex is a great main character. She likable and sympathetic because of the way she’s feisty enough during the day to ruin a suit with pizza but a complete wreck at night because she can’t sleep. She does a good job describing the events that led up to making her the way she is. Highly starred and added to my shelf Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

A profouldly heartfelt story, A difficult subject to tackle but commendably presented. I have only read your first chapter but Already I feel for Alex, how she must have missed Jane and Chris in those early years. The brain numbing evidence of insiduous mental cruelty meeted out by the men who presumed to love Alex tugs strongly on emotion and compells the reader to open their hearts to her. Your easy discriptive talent allows the tale to unfold whilst keeping the reader on tenderhooks waiting for events to unfold. I could almost feel the pain and desperation of Alex particularly through her relationship with her mother. Highly starred and popped on my watchlist to check out more asap

DearJudy, my time for reading is limited, so the fact that only 3 chapters are shown at present, and one of those was "errored" tonight, may have been an advantage, What I mean is that from the little I've read I've rarely tasted such a remarkable flavour in a book, nor been so eager to consume more, and be ready to finish up every morsel.
I see from those who have read it all that my opinion is justified. So then, "The Existence Game" is a top-quality book. I call it a "book", because one can't tell whether it's fact or fiction. That is not a criticism, it's a tribute.
Highest stars and the very next available place on my Shelf.
David Grant;
"Pompey Chimes"
21315/pompey chimes/david ogilvie grant

Hello Judy,

Your book is one of the best books I have read so far in Authonomy. I will happily back you up and rate you 6 stars.
I wish you all the best,

Carolina
See the world through my eyes

ive come back for a couple more chapters and this is written so well, its unbelievable. so many emotions being propelled here that i just felt so involved with this story. this NEEDS to reach the ED.
5 stars.

ive read the first chapter and i have never felt this way before. i hung onto your every word. this is beautiful. dont change a thing.

will be back to read more. for sure.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Dear Judy,

Your husband kindly backed my novel and asked me to read and comment on "The Existence Game." I've read the first chapter with interest and admiration. The character Alex is so clearly pictured that I feel I've known her, and her torment at home, at school, and with her boyfriends is heart-rending. Yet her story is engaging and leaves me wanting to read more at chapter's end.

I have a few suggestions you might consider when you edit again. --Spell out "Washington, D.C.," since "D.C." may puzzle some readers. --Organize Alex's life experiences chronologically rather than skip around. --Introduce Nick in a line or two before describing the action with Gunner. --Try to find a substitute for the cliche "tip of the iceberg." --In speaking of "the madness at home," you should give some examples. --And again, in describing the Dorian episodes, "show" rather than "tell" would help bring the reader into the picture. Your dialogue with Mom is a good example of showing. All in all, the life you describe is riveting and makes Alex's attempted suicide entirely plausible.

I hope you'll read my novel "The Doctor of Summitville" as I continue to read yours. It's a love story about a young country doctor and an orphan girl during the great American Depression. Please tell Rummy346 that I'll soon have room on my shelf for "The Existence Game" and that I hope he'll back my book again.

Best wishes, Bill

Dear Judy

I have been looking again at your book.

I started with the amazing quotes at the top of Chapter 7 and 6 - I feel as if I am running out of superlatives - which just seemed so right. Then I decided to go back to chapter one and read from the beginning. I thought the chapters were a bit long, but your writing pulled me in - every word exactly right - and I could not think what bits I would cut - None at all.

All you say is heart-stoppingly right! How do you articulate, so clearly, the mind and sorrows of a suicide? You leave me reassured, because you can. And sad, because there is nowhere to hide from the truths you deftly explore, unflinchingly.

This is writing of the highest calibre and I have no hesitation in awarding you six stars and keeping you on my shelf for a long, long time.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Judy,

Your story is so very, very captivating, unbelievable, sad, hopeful… I ignored my kids and nieces and nephew this whole beautiful Saturday afternoon. I am so bad. But I just couldn’t help it, I was so enthralled by what I read. As far as I’m concerned, your book is ready for a bookstore shelf! Not once did your writing slow me up or confuse me, it only compelled me to read on and on. I don’t know what else to say except, thank you for sharing this. Six stars, blessings, and a backing.

Sincerely,

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Soul baring stuff. I think this must have been great therapy in itself. What I find interesting is that you chose first voice, when it would have been so much easier to have applied some distance to what has happened, but instead you drove straight in as close as you could get to the pain. Well done. Good luck with this.

Wow!!!

What a great book. I usually can't just sit down and read books online, but I couldn't stop reading this one. You wrote a fantastic book. I hope to see this in a bookstore soon!

Hi Judy,
Yes, of course you thanked me for my comment. In fact you thanked me twice...so thank YOU very much for writing such a moving account of your life. Each chapter is beautifully headed with a poem, and each chapter has made me weep and laugh. I cried buckets as I read the final chapter, especially Alex's experiences at the zoo; the unconditional love she recieved from creatures great and small is incredibly moving. Good luck with the publication. I'm sure it will do extremely well whether you classify it as factual or fiction based on a true story. It will always be a favourite of mine.

Mary

Satiated? Drunk? I'm trying to find a word that would describe how I feel after finishing your book. Satiated and full you just want to sit there and get over the lethargy and digest what you just ate. Drunk that it leaves you numb with negative emotions that you experience when you're sober . It's all good.

Thank you for baring your soul. Reading through your story is like watching the sun shine through the clouds after a huge thunderstorm or experiencing the joy of a newborn after a difficult childbirth or watching a movie with a good ending. Yeah, pass the popcorn.

This is still a favourite story of mine. Ch. 14. Kevin's funeral was very moving but also very funny. It was nice that all his ex wives attended. Judy's skill in making the reader feel amused and sympathetic at one and the same time is excellent.

I absolutely love your writing Judy, good luck with it.

Mary

'The Existence Game' is far and away the most inspirational book I have read on this site. Warm, funny, touching and disturbing by turns, Judy Adams brings the tale of Alex - traumatised by childhood abuse, both physical and psychological - to life in a barnstorming literary tour-de-force.

Superbly well-written, and in a highly intimate style that compels the reader to read on, this is a truly life-affirming story that should be on the shelves of all those who seek to rid themselves of personal demons and strike out towards a new life free from fear.

I LOVE this book!

Joe Kovacs
Dial and Talk Foreign at Once.

Dear Judy,

This is an extraordinary work: searingly honest, painful and compelling; easily the most incisive and moving account of mental illness I have ever read (and that's just in the first 3 chapters). I look forward to reading more when time permits.

If I can offer anything in the way of constructive criticism so far, there is really only one thing: you appear to gloss over your childhood relationship with your sister.

But there is a more urgent matter, particularly as it may affect your ability to attract potential readers (and this is a book that deserves to attract a massive readership). I would urge you to improve your short pitch. At the moment, you are under-selling it, and also patronising the reader. (We prefer to be the judge as to whether or not it contains 'warmth, insight and humour'. Leave such boasts to publishers.) You need to find a punchy phrase that enscapulates the essence of the book, while also hinting at your brilliance as a writer (and you are brilliant!). Also you don't need to repeat the title in the pitch. The title may very well be what drew us in in the first place. Perhaps your short pitch should expand on the title, hinting at what the phrase means to Alex.

Thank you so much for sharing your gift. I truly wish you success with this. Six-starred and backed with the greatest respect.

David

'MASTER ACT': a memoir

I like the cover and title, good combination and the brief pitches work well enough. Being pedantic I'd have suggested omitting 'Told with warmth, insight and humor' from the pitch, even though it's an accurate statement, as I'd always prefer readers to find out these qualities for themselves. Please feel free to ignore a personal observation.
As for the book, well the premise is immensely strong and you bring it out on every page. You're a talented writer with a remarkable story to tell and your character, Alex, is beautifully observed.

'I've spent thirty years taking up space and going nowhere' - Alex's declaration in chapter five is an introduction to a very strong chapter, with a powerful hook at the end and encapsulates the storyline for me.

The subject is difficult, yet you've brought it to life, taken the reader into the mindset of your character. That's a real achievement. Fine writing and a throughly professionally presented piece of work. My congratulations. I can see an avid readership for this and wish you well with it.
Jake

The existence game. That troubled look on the cover, together with your pitches, prepare me for what I trust will further enlighten me, for I have a daughter (the one who's painted BOFA's cover) who has led us and herself a 'merry' dance with her psychological problems. Thankfully, she is now happily married and (mostly) in control of her condition.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Do you want nits? I'll give you a few as I go along: Dont you mean the first sentence to read something like: 'This is a story spanning about two months shortly before my thirtieth birthday.'
You have a very readable, comfortable style which I immediately settle into, and I can see that I wont be noticing any more nits in a hurry.

Ch.2 & 3. You are taking me into a totally unfamiliar world, but making it so plausible.

Ch.4. Your disguised call for help worked, and now life has to be faced again.
I like the veiled humour of some of the nuts, apparently, carrying keys.
The bit about trying to make up to Shelby rings true. And my youngest daughter still fights against responding to her elder sister.
Yes - I can personally relate to that feeling of respite when in hospital.
And I'm the mother that needs to be forgiven...
What you described could be life lived by anybody and everybody, nutty or not.
Expect for that last bit.

I have to go. And I want to read on, though where I'm going to get the time, goodness knows.
I'd be honoured if you took a look at mine.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Why, I don't know, but I feel you've just skimmed across the top of the story and never let us into Alexis head. A lot of things happen, but she never reacts to them and so they lose impact.

The scenes are related far too quickly, one for example, was the shenanigans with Kevin. Written out in a full scene it would have been brilliant, especially if he'd had his say in things. The golden slipper and phone number are a classic, but I wanted to be there when it happened and felt a bit robbed of the experience. Have you thought of using flashbacks? It'd liven up the narrative and bring some more of the characters out of their hiding places.

For me it's a difficult book to comment on. There are some parts I like and some I don't. For me Alexis reveals much more about herself and her situation in the dialogue scenes with other people than she ever does in the monotone narrative. I know it's hard to get the balance, we all struggle to get it right, but my own feelings trend to the fact you could do with adding some more of the former.

Probably not the best of critics, but my honest opinion. Wishing you well with the book.

Wonderful. You told this so well without bogging down.
It is heart wrenching and I am glad you turned the corner.

Dear Alex, your story is outstandingly well told. The more I read, the more I want to read. I am pulled in, despite myself, and find that I identify with so much that you mention. Weird life, feelings, other people. I recognise the doubt and the wondering, and the wishing it would all end. Six stars and on my watchlist. All the best, Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

This reminds me of the film, Mommy Dearset, where Joan Crawford's adopted daughter writes about her cruel mother.

I don't think her's was as cruel as your's though. What a bitch.

The writing is beautifully done. Had no problem following the story line.
It's full of emotion and the discription's of the people are so graphic, I had no trouble seeing them in my head.

I love the way you have formated it. Little bits at a time are revealed about the abuse. Makes reading compulsory.
This book would be great for anyone going through the same sort of trauma.
I have given it 6 stars.

I cried in the expected places. I cried, too, in unexpected places. It felt at times as if you knew me, though I've never been diagnosed with BPD. (Perhaps I should have been.)

The writing is fluid and clean - I did find some typos, which I won't go into here. Let me know if you'd like me to message you with them. It was a natural read, flowing smoothly along, leaving me curious in all the right places. And it offers up a happy ending! I admit, this threw me off somewhat. I identify far more easily with the disturbing way things were going in the first half of the book, but I expect any publisher and most readers will appreciate the way this book wraps up. I think your pitch needs some work - you discuss MBPS in the pitch at length, but it doesn't feel like it's really the main focus in the book, which seems to deal more with how fractured an abused child can become - regardless of the specific abuses they are subjected to. I think the last little bit of your pitch should be expanded; this is the real meal - the other part is a side dish.

If you've never been in this neighborhood, perhaps this book will give you some insight on how difficult it can be to handle illnesses of this nature. If you live on this street, it may feel a little bit too real. Somewhere in the middle, you may find understanding and even amusement.

A sincere thank you to the author for every tear I shed while reading this. You exhausted me of a weeks' worth of weeping in only a few hours.

Dear Judy,
Although I did find the self-mutilation "cringe-worthy," the rest of your MC's story is one I completely related to in terms of my own experiences with mental illness, caused by childhood abuse, compounded with religious abuse and resulting guilt. As Tori Amos sang, "I've got enough guilt to start my own religion." May I suggest a few additional books for your reading list? "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Dr. Susan Forward & Craig Buck; (I read the 1989 version, but noticed there is a 2002 edition now.) "Outgrowing the Pain" by Eliana Gil, Ph.D. and "Healing the Child Within" by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. These and years of therapy helped me to overcome my own brand of self-destructive behaviors.

Your book is extremely well-written. The only reason it took me so long to read was that I had to do it sitting at the computer. If it had been in book form, it would have been a sit-down-and-read-cover-to-cover-kind-of-book.

There were a few things I wanted to bring to your attention. It seemed that Alex's medical records were too easily obtained from Dr. Frank by his help. Aren't they usually kept in the therapist's office under lock and key? (If not, they should be.) Those of us who have seen a therapist would like to believe that our records are being kept at Fort Knox.

In Chapter 6 there is a sentence where Alex says, "...didn't think I couldn't manipulate Dr. Frank." Should "couldn't" be "could?"

In Chapter 10: " ... to terrified to sleep... first "to" needs to be "too"

Last chapter, 11th paragraph, beginning with "Glat quit..." Next sentence is "His." The result of editing unintentionally leaving something behind, perhaps?

Love the quotes. Loved that the sound-track is already there, for when your published book is made into a movie, and loved the soundtrack. Music can have therapeutic and healing benefits -as you are obviously aware.

Your insights resonated with me - we reached many of the same conclusions as we healed from our abuse. As I was reading, I found that aspect to be amazing and a confirmation that there are certain universal truths that we can all tap into.

I wish you all the best with this. I found it inspiring that you fought back and overcame adversity, and have no doubt that it could have a positive benefit for those who continue to struggle .

Highly rated and backed!

Love and Best Wishes,
Stella

HI Judy,

I've read as much as I can of the first two chapters as a review for the Lit Fic reading list, and I know you'll understand why I had to stop at this point. All I can say is that your writing is so true.

As another "borderhead", Alex is a very real character to me and I identify with her thoughts and actions very strongly. You describe life for us perfectly.
I'm starring this to the max.
Stacey

Hi Judy, Now up to ch. 14. Your story is absolutely rivetting. St Patrick's Day at the pub is so, so funny. Then on the flip side the psycho-analysis sessions Alex has with Dr. Frank are incredibly moving. The letters have me brimming over. I was quite relieved [ch. 14] when she walked back into Psyche. I have just reached the part where Dr. Frank tells her she is ready to leave. I'm hoping she can stay a little longer, just until she's stronger.
( You can see how involved I've become ...this happens when I read a truly brilliant book).

Mary

ps. Tomorrow I shall tell you my thoughts on e-book / Kindle books. Advantages and disadvantages.

Sorry, Judy, but I'm having to comment onscreen this time - need to refer to the text!

1) Suggest breaking up the Bowie quote into two lines - easier on the eye
2) Clark was by his station at the waitreSSES' table (there's more than one waitress!)
3) 'That's him over there!' (add exclamation mark, then break to new para). She pointed surreptitiously at a man....Keiran. (then, new para again) 'Damn!' she continued, 'I wish you were...this morning.'
4) ...obviously insane, but here goes... (better than - )

more later...

Judy, this just gets better and better. Even though chapter 4 is particularly harrowing this is NO sob story. You write ernestly with great clarity about a condition that many of us just do not understand. It is moving and funny and brilliant.

Thanks for your message. Mary.

PS Love your Irish pub. I suspect when we get to Mars there wil be a Murphy's Bar and a Chinese Take-away insitu!

Oh, Judy, what a powerful, compelling read. Your story is incredibly sad and moves me beyond words so it is a contradiction in terms to say I absolutely love it; but I do.
Your writing is smooth and fluid, very easy to read - not once have I had to re-read a sentence- . I particularly like the way you have crafted the first sentence of each paragraph to form a little story in itself. You cleverly link together the shades of dark and light; fear and pleasure which Alex experiences on a daily basis.
I have only read 3 chapters, enough to know that this is a 6 star read. At midnight ( just three and a quarter hours away....here in South Wales, of course.) I shall put you on my shelf next our favourite writer.
You describe 'The Pub' and it's characters so humorously. It sounds very much like a pub that Dave and I enjoy frequenting. It's called 'The Miserable Cow'; the sign outside it boasts...

Warm beer
Tastless food
Rotten jokes
So come in if you have nowhere better to go.


Good Luck with your excellent work. Mary

The edits you've made, particularly to your chapter introducing Kim, are excellent. I wish you well with this introspective and compelling story.
- Tom

- The Existence Game -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

This is very much to my personal taste so I was always going to like it really. Depression can be a good place to be in a book and this is a very good example of that. The narrative voice hooked me in with Alex's brutal assessment of self and flashes of wanting something better. This made her human and ensured that she wouldn't come across as too self pitying.

I did find the first chapter a little difficult to get into at first. The introspection and rather philosophical opening made it a little impenetrable for me. I really felt like things picked up with the Vince incident and then was particularly on song with the closing episode involving Alex's mother, whose haracterisation must have been epertly executed because I wanted to slap her about the face with a cold, wet fish. Interestingly, i absolutely loved the rambling narrative in chapter two, working in as it did all these mini stories and scenes involving various characters, but somehow I did'nt warm to this element in chapter one. Perhaps I hadn't gotten used to it yet. Perhaps it seemed somehow more apt in chapter two's bar scene, with all the drinkers and employees hanging around....

Chapter two was excellent all round. As I say, the rambling nature of the narrative was spot on and I loved getting to know little things about so many different characters. This also made Alex's depression and islosation feel all the more stark and helped make her actions at the end all the more believable. I found myself squirming there so the scription was very affecting.

Two nitpicks here:

- I'm not sure, but I think there may be a legal issue with using the Bowie lyrics....

-Typo: 'swank hotel' instead of 'swanky'. Or is that an Americanism and not a typo at all?

Chapter three is short and well executed. Not much I can add there.

All in all, I have enjoyed what I've read so far a lot and found the mood and voice to be particularly potent. Very good indeed.

All the best with it,

Ross

Came across this one by accident and must say I thoroughly enjoyed your take on a delicate subject. Well done.
I have reated this book well.
Regards, Red

Came across this one by accident and must say I thoroughly enjoyed your take on a delicate subject. Well done.
I have reated this book well.
Regards, Red

I read your first chapter nine months ago. I read your second chapter today.

General comments: A touching, evocative chapter. A sympathetic main character. Excellent use of deep point of view. Clever wit. Vivid imagery. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'We avoided him like the plague' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) "Glatwatter??" No need for two questions marks. One is sufficient.
3) "Right. Okay," I smiled, but my heart sank. Period after 'okay.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't 'smile' dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period. There is another case of this type of problem.
4) ' ... Kevin had spotted a particularly attractive attendee that he thought he'd like to get to know better.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people.
5) ' ... and held up a keepsake size 12 golden slipper ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
6) "Great!" Everything's done except the floors." Delete the quote mark after 'great.'
7) 'I felt utterly separated from the human race, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her 'separation' so vividly the reader will experience it along with Alex. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
8) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after that?

I hope this critique will help you polish your second chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

JS,
"The Existence Game" is a must read. The narrative around Alex was of such haunting power that I had to continue on and on, hoping for some kind of closure to her despair. This incredible journey into the human mind is an eye-opener. Hope springs eternal from the solid foundation of love and friendship epitomized in this case by the steadfast Dr. Frank. Clear and conside, this narrative made me value all the little the blessings I'd taken for granted. Thank you for the engaging book.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi,

I am surprised you didnt rank amongst the top 5 by now. Such a great plot and written in awesome style. The relationship between patient and therapist, relatives and loved ones have been brought out sharply and with conviction.
It is not easy to portray such a story if you didnt have a personal experience within your family or somebody close enough - it's more like a biography.
I have showered stars over the book and backed it so that you can move up to where you belong.

Kind regards

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE - a tale of terminal illness and human bonds.

Your character is extremely realistic and her neurosis are gripping to the reader. However, you could work on showing rather than telling, especially at the beginning with the childhood synopsis. Strong memories and formative experiences from childhood could be spread through the text as they might come up in the mind of the character, and this might make them more immediate and poignant. Your sections which are shown in the present are excellent-- they are vivid, but with a sense of numbness or reservation. Watchlisted to be backed in the next few days!

JS,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

Well, this has all the components we recognize schizophrenia like symptoms; the inability to focus, the persecution deliriums, the fragmented relationships, the all or none decision making. I mean everything is there

I am going to take off my brain research cap now, and concentrate on the literary side.

For there are several stylistic issues that can be polished a bit further:

A sense of place is missing. Every time you create a scene, you have to set it up with description

The character descriptions are also missing. We don't get a visual picture of Alex for example, because she is not described

Finally, you tell her disease. By doing that, you leave the most harrowing part of all:

and that is the experience of not being able to control your mind.

the absolute belief that somebody is after you....

the raising thoughts that people with borderline personality experience

That is the harrowing part that you have to make the reader experience rather than tell.

So what you have to do is place a camera eye on your character:

I saw this....I saw that...I felt this...I felt that...

so that the reader can "experience" a borderline personality.

Hope it helps.

This is a painful story that needs to be told

David

J.S.,

The Existence Game - Her mother was pleased to have a problem child ... Alex reports her logical responses to this double-binding hell of an environment. How does a sensitive child survive a mother who blows hot and cold ... she used truth to tear me to shreds. This story is eloquently told, with very fine observations. How poignant that the nasty graphity of a resentful boyfriend actually prevent the suicide attempt from being successul. The process, the emergence of the frightened child, the characters along the way, the acknowledgement to the GR and the recovery of an early trauma, all accepted and encouraged by a skilled and insightful therapist, make a rivetting read. You keep the reader firmly on Alex's side. She is a lost part in us all, which makes this story universal. Excellent title, too. I came back to refresh a comment from many months ago and rate this book highly. I'm also very touched you're supporting CoM as it struggles towards the ED. Pia

Dear Judy, re backing your beautiful work. :-)

blessings,
jim

Hi J.S. Thank you for backing LONDON. I'm placing your novel on my watch list, will read asap. Quite a bio you have! Nice. Synopsis is great, too. Reads like it would make a movie.

sincerely,
jim

i came back to re-read your book and leave some more comments
It's a pleasure to read a book on this site that obviously has had much thought put into it.
There are not to many grammer mistakes, the flow is very nice, and I love the concepts you bring in here, like existance being a game. I dont particularly like the first sentence, the rest of the book is so great, I feel like you can start off much stronger.
You portray feeling very well, and do a great job of setting a scene, in the second chapter I like how you start off and say how the "heavens opened up in sympathy" almost emphasizes her aloneness, she has no one but the heavens to sympathize with her.
You should do more with this book than leave it sitting here, it not only nearly ready for publication, it deserves publication. I'm not surprised you jumped form rank 800 to 130 in a matter of weeks.
Really, really great job. I congratualte you on a book well done.
I can't wait to see this on the top five very soon and in stores after that.

Hi Judy, Alex is a fighter, a true survivor, who eventually finds light at the end of the tunnel. She could so easily have just given up and let the demons win. Thank goodness she didn't - she fought back. People are not always kind or sympathetic, unless they themselves have endured similar situations to Alex - metal illness/abuse. I so love a happy ending and chapter eleven did make me smile:

"A fine rain began as my mother was hanging up on me. The heavens opening up in sympathy for me."

It was very touching. I could easily imagine Alex in that situation: phone box, rain and her mother's cutting words when she tells Alex to stand on her own two feet. She should have lent her the rent money, no matter what. She should have wanted to protect Alex, keep her safe and off the streets.

(You asked me out of interest what chapter made me cry - Chapter Seven.)
Regards, Kat

I've recently received this critique from a professional editor. There isn't much in here that I don't agree with, nor is there much that I haven't heard from fellow authonomers - just shows how good we are at critiquing each others' work! There are a few minor things the reader didn't get right, but I believe she focused nearly all of her attention on the first half of the book, and focused very little on the second half. The areas she felt are weak and need work are the same ones identified by Authonomy authors, and I have been working on those areas.

I wanted to post this so that anyone who is considering getting a professional read will have an idea of what it might look like - I think this seems pretty standard, and seems somewhat similar, if slightly more in-depth, to what HC is doing with the top five Authonomites each month:

Reader’s Report
Title: The Existence Game
Author: Judy Adams

The Existence Game tells the story of 29-year-old Alexis ‘Alex’ Moser and her poignant journey from mental illness to full recovery with the help and dedication of a talented therapist. Related in 1999, ten years after her attempted suicide, it portrays with warmth and insight the life of a young woman suffering from borderline personality disorder.

The first-person Foreword places the story in its Washington DC setting in the winter of 1989, and briefly introduces Alex as a self-effacing young woman who seems lacking in confidence (‘I had no idea who Jessica Tandy was, hadn’t heard of Driving Miss Daisy, was clueless about The Oscars, and knew nothing of Panama except I had a vague suspicion we’d dug a canal there’). It also sets the tone for her intimate, confiding narrative style and often poetic turn of mind (eg ‘this tiny fistful of weeks’) that informs the rest of the book.

Alex begins her tale by relating events that led to her suicide attempt, and to her fateful meeting with Jonathan Frank, the man without whom ‘I’d be dead’, she tells us. Here we learn the significance of the book’s title – existence is a game to be played over and over through various incarnations, and we learn the rules better with each lifetime – and relive with Alex her longstanding sense of hopelessness and the reasons behind it: a dysfunctional relationship with her emotionally volatile mother (‘Mom wouldn’t have thrown me a rope if she had one in her hands and I was drowning’); her seemingly irrational fear of being murdered in her bed; the deaths of her father and a close friend; the persistent presence of her own personal ‘Grim Reaper’ – and a terrifying and abusive childhood episode that is the real catalyst for many of her problems. Her abusive relationships with men such as Dorian and Vince also reflect her poor mental state, while her low self esteem drives her from job to job and a host of financial problems, all of which culminate in her suicide attempt and admission to the private ‘psych’ hospital where she meets her saviour, Dr Frank.

Eventful as this story is, it is propelled by the character of Alex, a woman at once weak and strong. Adams has taken a creative risk here, because Alex’s anxieties, neuroses, etc could be considered by some readers to be irritatingly self-indulgent. However, I think most will find her sympathetic in that her confessions are made only to us; in her daily life preceding her suicide attempt, she keeps her fears, tendency to self-harm, etc to herself (eg ‘Admitting things were bad was admitting to being guilty of not being able to manage my life’), and so her desire to kill herself seems not an act of cowardice but more an act of responsibility. She also touches on profound truths that may well strike a nerve with many, such as the admission of loneliness sometimes being worse than loneliness itself, and the recognition that we will often act in ways contrary to our own wellbeing in order to distance ourselves from those we despise. But I was left wishing that Alex’s blackly humorous side had been a bit more fully exploited. She shows signs of this, which nicely balances and complements the troubled aspects of her personality (eg of her first, rather unmemorable meeting with Dr Frank, she recalls: ‘He was just a man in a suit, and I was just a nut in pajamas’; moments of amusing banter with Eileen at The Pub), yet more would help to flesh her out, and would even highlight the depth of her pain in a ‘gallows humour’ kind of way.

Other characters infuse the novel like fine seasoning, acting variously as foils, props or nemeses for Alex, although I felt we are too often told about them rather than actually ‘seeing’ or ‘hearing’ them through their actions or dialogue. There is, for instance, kind-hearted Kevin, exuberant, open-minded but self-destructive; barmaid Eileen, who loves Alex without really knowing her; her successful sister Shelby, whose initial coldness towards Alex is a defence mechanism; her heartless mother, for whom ‘the point value…of having a dead daughter was much greater than the point value of helping a daughter in need’; Todd, the ‘psych’ hospital worker with a painful past of his own; capricious bar-owner Kieran, who is constantly drunk yet whose eyes remain ‘deep wells of comprehension’; the gently anarchic, almost ethereal Aidan, and Alex’s deeply troubled ‘twin’, Anna-Leigh, etc. Therapist Dr Jonathan ‘the Frankster’ Frank is conveyed as a person most of us surely long to meet: warm, calm, compassionate, almost maternal (‘In the best of all possible worlds, Dr Frank would have possessed a womb, and I would have been able to dive right in and make it my new home’). I did feel that Kim (introduced in Chapter 9) could have emerged more vividly, given that she is quite a key player in the story. As it is, Alex’s third-person account of Kim’s trauma during the Vietnam war and its aftermath is a little remote, albeit poignant, and it would be better if at least some of it was related in Kim’s own words.

In terms of narrative style, there is much to commend here. Alex’s story-telling is intimate, self-aware, fearful and inwardly searching, and the third-person, childlike voice (‘little Alex’) used during her sessions with Dr Frank is a nice emotive touch that illustrates the chasm between her different selves, though it can grate after a while in its very contrived childishness (eg ‘I did tells you about the mommy but there is mores to tells’). Adams also seamlessly weaves her messages about poverty, social accountability, feminist issues, etc into the narrative, so that they are a credible part of Alex’s persona rather than worthy snippets of preaching. Various lyrical turns of phrase can be very arresting (eg the homeless boy who peeps out of his blanket is ‘a frightened little turtle child’; feeling that everyone has failed her, Alex is ‘angry as a hornet’; in his self-destructiveness, Kevin ‘was giving death kiss after beckoning kiss’), and there is a great ‘soundtrack’ to the story (Jethro Tull, Crosby Stills and Nash, Dvorak, The Moody Blues, etc), which provides emotional context and ballast. Epigrams at the beginning of each chapter (with suggested alternatives later in the book) are well chosen and help to set the mood, while the ‘Miscellaneous mental health information’, ‘Help in finding a therapist’, ‘Adult survivor websites’, etc are useful reminders that this story is very much grounded in bleak actuality.

As the book has been well written and proofed, little copy-editing would be needed beyond correction of occasional typos (eg ‘a couple of Irish coffee’s’, ‘Bloody Mary’s’, etc).

Overall, this is a powerful book that raises some deeply uncomfortable issues but is never afraid to confront them head on. Touching, occasionally amusing, often distressing but ultimately uplifting, it is well worth a read.

This is an absolutely compelling story but at the moment it isn't as well crafted as it could be.
In some ways the starkness of the story works because it feels honest but, after a while, the emotion and detail become relentless.
This will be brilliant when you use the story rather than let the story stand or fall on it's own bleak strength.
There's so much here that's good I'm sure you'll turn this into a great read.
Good luck with it.
P.S. I'm happy to give you a more detailed crit but would be repeating a lot of the earlier comments.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating story. An interesting and memorable main character with severe mental illness. Realistic dialogue. Good deep point of view. Well managed drama/tension.

Specific comments on chapter 1:
1) 'Tiny fistful of weeks.' Nice phrasing, effective metaphor, and an early indication of good writing.
2) Alex's ignorance of world events hooked me.
3) You refer to coming back or something like it three times in the first paragraph and twice in the second paragraph. That's too much repetition for me.
4) 'To add insult to injury' is a cliche.
5) "What's he doing going out with YOU?" No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean by writing in all caps. You don't want that. There is another case of writing in all caps in this chapter.
6) There is a large amount of backstory in this chapter and I grew impatient for the story/plot to get going. By necessity, backstory is 'telling' not 'showing.' Readers like to experience events along with the main character. By telling backstory, you rob them of that opportunity. If some aspects of this backstory are critical to the book, consider using a flashback to show it. But, limit the flashbacks to just the most important elements of Alex's history. And consider putting the flashbacks in the story where recalling them is relevant to the current situation.
7) Good end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page to see how Alex handles her financial problem?

I hope this critique helps. These are just my opinions. Take what you find useful and discard the rest. Thank you for your continued support of "Savannah Passion."

I don't know that there's a lot I can add here. I read what Mary (mvw888) wrote (first and top comment) and I completely agree. I found this easy to read (in that the story comes through very clearly, thanks to some skillful writing and thorough editing) and totally engrossing. I was behind Alex from the very beginning... she hooked me with her take on reincarnation and the 'damned if you do, and damned if you don't' reasoning for sticking around. I found it so easy to identify with her. Perhaps, to various degrees, we all struggle with the same questions, the same desires, and, I hope, to a much lesser degree, the same fears.

The Existence Game is highly recommended.
Rodney
(The Father)

The existence game
Very compelling
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)