A SHIRTFUL OF FROGS

Shalini,

This is beautiful character development. Your dialogue is absolutely convincing and totally atmospheric. I'm really impressed by the polish of the storytelling quality of what I've read. I don't make a lot of comments about things I read on authonomy (for a variety of reasons we won't belabor here) but you are an accomplished storyteller who should be encouraged to keep telling.

- Steve Games

A truely, lovely read. I used to teach fourteen years olds the Blitz and evacuation and, as much as they would try and be all cool about this book, they would love it. I think it will find a universal audience.
It's got a really, strong premise: the fusion of WW2 with present. This is an idea that works really well if you can make it believable and you do that here..
The venacular is wonderfully done and sang off the page; to my ears anyway.
I can't really fault this. Comparisons with the don book of this genre GMT are inevitable but the fact you weave the fantastical into your tale should create a big audience for this.

best of luck

Steve

What a stunning piece of writing! You have perfectly captured the experience of being a young boy. It is simply my favourite thing I have read on here. It reminds me of the Magician's Nephew by C.S Lewis infused with Good Night Mister Tom. Its beautiful.

Wow... I honestly think this is one of the best displays of unique voice I've seen on this site. I'm American, but I heard the English accent of those two young boys coming in loud and clear. It gives the reader a sense of immediate surroundings, time, and spirit of your book. And who doesn't remember trying to catch frogs and hiding them away. While this book is classified for children, I think it has a lot of cross-over appeal. In a sense, it reminded me of how The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe started. Well done! Backed!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

Great characters, believable, convincing dialogue and intriguing story. I have to say I really enjoyed reading the first part of this and I look forward to returning to read more. I can't believe I haven't stumbled across this before on Authonomy as it is just the kind of story I enjoy reading. Great writing. Well done. I can't think of anything negative to say - sorry!
I will place this on my shelf as soon as I can, although I have a bit of a backlog at the moment. In the meantime I will put it on my WL with numerous stars. Great stuff.
All the best and if you fancy returning a read, Shadow Jumper is the name of my children's adventure story.
Good luck with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

A fantastic and stunning piece of writing that is powerful enough to grab the attention of readers. Writing is clear and lucid and story moves well. Highly rated.

Hi Shalini,
Really strong writing, brilliant opening chapter. I trust your research and sense of the era. I feel in very safe hands here!
The description of the scene on the bus was excellent. I could really picture it and good devise to start with such a sensory thing - the shirtful of frogs. Wonderful.
I can see that you're a pro.
6 stars from me and I've just managed to shelve you (20 Apr 12)
Would love your opinion on my book, if you have time.
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Shalini,

A very accomplished story. I've read through 7 and your dialogue is wonderful, and not once did I feel that you slipped out of the point of view of the two boys. Excellent work.

Ann - Counterpointe

I loved this. Have you finished writing it? Is it available anywhere? I would so like to read the rest.

I love this!

Read it all and I think it's great!!!!
If I was still teaching about WWII, I'd read this to the kids.
You have managed to really make me feel sorry for little Jimmy and I'm guessing what Nathan has just found out.
Your writing kept me interested the whole time and I found it a breeze to read - no confusing grammar etc.
I look forward to reading more of this.
Good luck with it! Top stars!!!!
Mike
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

You write very well. You have a good story, as well. Were I you, I wouldn't be waiting to publish.

Chapter one is an easy read. You got the action going right away. I could just picture the scene on the bus! Your writing is very good and clean. I didn't see any errors. Great job! I like it!

D. S. Hale

Love books like this, Shalini. I've just reminded myself of it again by reading the first chapter again but hope to read it all in print! When will that be??

Shalini, you're an engrossing story teller. You have bought the characters to life with your writing and you narrative and dialogue suit the two time periods you are writing about, demonstrating to the reader the difference in attitudes and vocabulary between 1940 and 2011. This is a great premise with good story telling and strong characters - gladly backed.

Shuhin - Lost Reunions

Shakini,
How can you do this to me? What a place to leave the story. Please Please Please download a few more chapters. - Carole

Hurry up and write the next chapter Shalini. I can't wait to read it. Brilliant piece of writing.- Carole

This is the best read I have had on Authonomy. You hold the readers attention beautifully. The boys are so real and I was on the bus with them. You have made my day. I will back you to the top. You are bound to get there.- Carole

Incredibly awesome book. Sucked me right in. Actually painful to pull away from. Perfect in every aspect. This should definitely be published.

You're right on course here, Shalini, and I'll be back for more, being privileged as a WW2 evacueee
Backed and high-starred without question, after only Chapter 1
Try "Pompey Chimes" - slightly anterior to "Shirtful".
David Grant

You're right on course here, Shalini, and I'll be back for more, being privileged as a WW2 evacuee
Backed and high-starred without question, after only Chapter 1
Try "Pompey Chimes" - slightly anterior to "Shirtful".
David Grant

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"

I'm pleased to see this book doing so well. It crosses age groups and appeals to all. I am pleased to re-back it and give it its well deserved stars. I would like to watch this as a screen play or a film.
Best of luck
Amelia
A Date in The Diary

I read your first four chapters.

General comments: A touching start. Jimmy is a delightful character. Strong visuals. Excellent sense of time and place. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Her clothes and face filthy were with snot and grime ... ' Reverse the order of 'filthy' and 'were.'
2) Where d'you get 'em from?" Put an opening quote mark in front of 'where.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "Sorry, Mum," he slithered back ... Period after 'Mum' and capitalize 'he.' The only time the final sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). 'He slithered' is clearly not a dialogue tag, so the final sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period and the first word of following narrative is capitalized.
2) "Don't cry Mum, I'll look after you." Comma after 'cry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
3) "Eleven kids was enough to send anyone to knackers yard", he'd heard the neighbors gossip. Knackers (plural) should be knackers' (plural possessive). Also, the comma goes inside the final quote mark.

Specific comment on the fourth chapter:
1) 'Jimmy felt a mild fluttering of excitement at this news ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can experience it along with Jimmy. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'Jimmy felt' will be implied.
2) 'There were black and white cows and cotton wool sheep ... ' 'Cotton wool' comes from cotton plants, not sheep.
3) "Where are we Jeanie?" he asked. Comma after 'we.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a sensational day.

Al

You should be in the top ten! Glad I could read some of this before I have to pay for it! You are a lovely writer! Backed!

A Shirtful of Frogs.
By Shalini Boland.

Well, I have really enjoyed the 8 chapters uploaded to the site.
This is an excellent book...don’t know how I ever missed it until now.
The wonderful way that you have switched between the past and present, gives the book an extra interest for the reader...this is one of the best children’s stories that I’ve read on authonomy and there’s many of them which are very good I must say.
You give a graphic account of the atmosphere of Islington years ago.
The time of the bombings and the refugee’s.
The use of the lamp post for cricket, the very old skipping song...really good and authentic.
This is how it was when I was a child although not in London, a great time we had.
The children’s dialogue comes across perfectly for the characters; you have an excellent ability as regards description throughout the book.
I rather liked the following as well :-
...He climbed into bed and smiled at the thought of Jimmy shovelling that huge piece of cake into his mouth. He’d probably get all itchy from the bed crumbs in his bed...
For myself, I loved all what I’ve read and would like to read more should you upload any further chapters.
Very pleased to star rate ‘A Shirt Full of Frogs’ with the highest rating.
It’s only a matter of time for your book to be published, in my opinion.
Will shelve as soon as I can free a space up – number one on my w/l.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Just finished chapter six and I'm really enjoying it. The way that the two time-lines are starting to interweave is exciting. Looking forward to seeing where it goes and, if I have one wish, it's that Nathan gets a bit more to do, to push the narrative forward although raiding the fridge was a nice moment. Good luck with it.

Just finished chapter six and I'm really enjoying it. The way that the two time-lines are starting to interweave is exciting. Looking forward to seeing where it goes and, if I have one wish, it's that Nathan gets a bit more to do, to push the narrative forward although raiding the fridge was a nice moment. Good luck with it.

I think you will find wide readership for this as your characters are easy to identify with for any age group. When you put up more we shall read that as well as watching this story develop is a delight. Best of luck, RT

I don't think you need to separate these sections with the astricks. The flow is nice on chapter 2. I think I'll keep you on to see what happens in chapter 3.

Shalani,
This looks like an interesting read. Sad story. I would have liked to see more background information about how the mother prepared the children for their sepeartion, This story puts the devastation of war right in our faces. Backed. Lisa

Shalini,
This was a thoroughly enjoyable read, from start to finish. You have brought both the MC to life in such a skilful way. I can tell that you know the voice of young boys really well, and its amazing how well you have captured both their voices given the huge jumps in time.
My mum grew up around London during the War, and often told me stories about hearing the bombing planes at night and how frightening it was. You captured this in the blitz scene beautifully, with the mother crying while the children were almost in between with their excitement and fear.
Coming from a large family myself it was heart wrenching when Jimmy was separated from his family, and left alone with no one. Then at the end of chapter eight, we are left realising, this is probably the least of his problems.
I really loved it. I think you have created a unique and interesting plot that will appeal to not only the YA audience but to adult readers as well. ( Myself included.)
I am not changing my bookshelf until the end of the month, so I will watchlist yours for now, and shelve it in the coming weeks. You are so close to the editors desk, I'd love to see you get a review and get this published.
Best wishes, cheers Jacoba

Okay. This is just too good not to back. I'm in. Great writing. I'll give a more thorough review when I'm done.

- Jean Kinkade

Dear Shalini. I've jut read the first two chapters and really loved it. The difference of tone, pace and language between the two time zones was subtle but convincing and the juxtaposition of the giddy, lively 1940s and the washed out, lost present day was strong. A really good start. It might be nice just to flesh Nathan out a little bit more in this second chapter and the cliff-hanger could be stronger but a bold and exciting piece of writing all the same. I am really looking forward to reading more and see how these two very different worlds come together. Thank you.

Hi Shalini

I didn't think I was going to feel comfortable with this one, but it just shows how you should follow your instincts. I liked it. Good characters. Good storyline which made for me a very good read. I liked it and when I like a book I give it my BACKING. Good luck with your future writing.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Hello,
I liked the look of this a lot. I'll have a longer read later. Can't back at mo, but have rated you.
Good luck

Billie

Love, love, love this, so far. Just the first chapter--short on time--, but I can tell you have talent. I felt like I was right there with those two cheeky little lads. And the frogs are a great tool to help identify with children. Great dialogue, too.

- Jean Kinkade

Can't wait to read this! Very piquing synopsis!!

Shalini,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. The story is told in the third person which usually creates distance between narrator and character....

.....nothing of the kind here...

The reader is made to be feel as a fly in the wall, listening to conversations that whisper intimacy throughout, and as they do

.....the grace of the characters shows

For, the jewel of this narrative is the careful, nuanced psychological map of your central character's. The ebbs and flows of mother and son as they go about negotiating the concerns with the wishes, the pauses with the love....

......and as they do the endearing moments grows until they becomes lilies seating on a pond, working through the reader's ear....

....seamlessly...

The dialogue is also a jewel:

"Nathan, did you hear me? I said supper will be..."

"yeah. Okay"

"Love you"

"Mmn"

for, is difficult to re-create this type of intimacy.

Some of my favorites:

"you cheeky blighter"

"comforting clickety clack"

"in the morning blah, blah. blah"

"little flying death boxes"

"the words boomed and echoed"
I have never heard this which is why I liked for, If wanted to hear things I have already heard, I would take the subway...lol

"his throat which threatened to turn into tears"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"solemnly took" "uncomfortably close"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

"jerkily pressed" "really low" "newly gruff" "suddenly sat" "frayed dressing room"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

A SHIRTFUL OF FROGS

COVER: I like it, but wish there were also a title on it to make it look more legitimate. Send me an email, I'll fix it for you.

TITLE: Really like the title, don't know what it means yet but I want to.
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/51100/free-book-cover-/

SHORT PITCH: Yes, I like this also but makes me with the cover had something to give clue about the timeslip aspect. I suppose I also wish there were a greater hint at what the collision was about...something slightly more to really compel me on...as is it says "boy from past meets present day with timetravel" and that's not much.

LONG PITCH:I like the names you've chosen heh. I like what this could be. but again...this feels slightly timid. Good but not...at its shiniest.

TEXT: I love this opener. Frog salesmen. If only I'd thought of it...back then. I wish I had something to say other than the first three chapters flew by...well-done. I just noticed how long this has been on Authonomy and wonder why I never saw it before? Why isn't this in the YA genre? More than anything else that's what it felt like to me as I read.

Best of luck!
-=Bradley

First of all, I loved the line, "Jimmy pulled a stupid face."

Your writing is smooth and the story goes along pretty well. I'll let you know what I think of it more as I continue to read it. Today I am just doing first chapters and keeping those on my book shelf that catch me on that first chapter.

First of all, I loved the line, "Jimmy pulled a stupid face."

Your writing is smooth and the story goes along pretty well. I'll let you know what I think of it more as I continue to read it. Today I am just doing first chapters and keeping those on my book shelf that catch me on that first chapter.

First of all, I loved the line, "Jimmy pulled a stupid face."

Your writing is smooth and the story goes along pretty well. I'll let you know what I think of it more as I continue to read it. Today I am just doing first chapters and keeping those on my book shelf that catch me on that first chapter.

First of all, I loved the line, "Jimmy pulled a stupid face."

Your writing is smooth and the story goes along pretty well. I'll let you know what I think of it more as I continue to read it. Today I am just doing first chapters and keeping those on my book shelf that catch me on that first chapter.

Hi Shalini. Well, I didn't see much historical in the first chapter. What I did see was the beginning of a sweet, sweet story. Excellent use of dialogue with just enough descriptive narrative to bind everything together. The dialogue was true to the age and era of the story and there was enough active voice in the narrative to keep the story moving. Very, very good beginning. I look forward to reading more.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Only just started the first few chapters ....really enjoying the story so far , I look forward to reading more when I get back.
good luck
Jumes

I really enjoyed reading this again. Great storytelling, and vivid characters, the story compells and moves along nicely. I like the style of writing and look forward to reading on. Highly rated.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Shalini, I have enjoyed reading your first four chapters, which fairly danced along. It is obvious that you have put a lot of TLC into writing this book for young people. It shows in the liveliness of the language and the tone which seems to be pitched just right. The idea of the double narrative is a brilliant one as the young readers will be able to identify with Nathan and the developing friendship, which will help them to feel closer to the evacuees. So well done.
The train ride out of London is brilliant with some well chosen details, like the 'real orange'. What a rarity then. I wonder where they came from...

Watchlisted and rated highly....

A Shirtful of Frogs was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read, rated, and BACKED your work. Great Stuff! Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks.
Sue50

Amazing manuscript! You have me in awe. Starred very high and on my watchlist. Best wishes--I sincerely hope you make it to the editor's desk soon.

-Judith B. Shields
[Twice Reborn]

Starts out strong but lacking specificity. "The man" leaned down. Which man? Consider adding a colorful descriptor so "The man" stands out from everyone on the bus who is also leaning in (even the driver?).

One chapter in and so far it's an entertaining and gripping read! I'll be back to read more soon

Hi Shalini

I've enjoyed reading this so much, you've made the characters of Jimmy and Nathan so easy to love. It's really tugging at my heartstrings.

I love the idea of bringing the boys together at night, through the attic, and that they haven't yet realised they are both from another 'when'. Although there are several stories with this sort of plot, I think you've made this fresh and engaging and I would love to read more. The story sort of reminds me of 'Moondial' by Helen Cresswell, which I absolutely adored when I was a child. The 3 main characters there are all from different times and trapped into meeting each other at night by their situation. Very haunting but beautiful - I think you have the potential for the same powerful story here.

I wish you all the best with this and have made a difficult choice to replace another book on my bookshelf!
Would appreciate your views on my children's book if you get chance.

Clare Morris
The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm

Hello Shalini,
The first chapter crackled with energy and the anecdote of the two boys on the bus with the frogs set the scene really well. The language was spot on, the balance between dialogue and narrative was excellent. I thought it was maybe just a touch overdone in terms of the language at the start - words like 'scallywags' were thrown into quite a short section, and for me it jarred just ever so slightly (i'm being hypercritical here).
The second chapter with Nathan was well constructed and painted a clear picture of him and his disenchantment. One point: you used capitals for Mum and Dad, then switched to lowercase.
Backing this.
Andy