Book Jacket

 

rank 1917
word count 14069
date submitted 28.02.2010
date updated 28.02.2010
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: moderate
incomplete

No Love Lost

J. Oliver

Madness is relative(s).

 

John Greenfinch has spent much of his teenage years, and early twenties caring for his invalid mother. After she dies in a tragic accident however he begins to wonder just how much of the blame for what happened to her lies with him. Forced to acknowledge that in moments of weakness, he did indeed sometimes wish she was dead, John is plagued by doubts that he might well have done something, however unconsciously, to help engineer her death. Eventually, his obsessing leads to a nervous breakdown.


Eight months later, John is released from a psychiatric hospital and returns to the family home. His older brother, Philip, is now living there too, having finally returned to the UK, after spending the last few years living abroad. Philip is rarely there however and John leads a sad, lonely existence, until one day Meredith Bell, knocks on the door, collecting for a local charity.


Only later will they both realise just how devastating the effects of this first encounter have proven to be.

 
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tags

death, family, madness, murder

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56 comments

 

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Susan Bennett wrote 811 days ago

All too often writers - novices and bestsellers alike - make the mistake of saying their characters "could see" or "could feel" and every time I read that, I think, "Well why didn't they then?" If they "could see" or "could feel" then why didn't they simply see it or feel it? It's clear, however, that you use this purposely, and to good effect. When John "can feel his hands melding to the orange plastic of the seat", I felt you illustrated, or perhaps even illuminated, the dissociation of mind/body/spirit in a fragmented soul very effectively. My mouth dried up and my heart thudded listlessly; I was walking a few feet in your character's shoes. The beginning of chapter six is very simple and all the more effective for being so - you've placed a great deal of trust in your readers, in their intelligence and in their capacity for empathy. In doing so, you have invited them into your story and allowed them to feel it for themselves. When I walked away from the hospital, my eyes were squinting against the daylight; grey though it might have been, it was far too bright for my eyes, which were watering meanly, lacking the capacity for proper tears, while my tongue salivated within the confines of my clenched jaw. We're witnessing a soul in the process of heaving a great psychic sigh. You've tackled a very difficult subject, you brave soul. Good on you for doing it. And I absolutely love your tag Madness is relative(s). (I'll add my own - but where would we be without them? Sane, but lonely.) I think you're just hitting your stride at the end of chapter six, and I'd very much like the opportunity to read more. AND congratulations on writing in the present tense so successfully. I hadn't noticed the tense until I read someone else's comment on it. Work in the present tense can be tremendously annoying and very few writers do it well - you're one of them. Good on you -well done and all the best.

Suzannah Burke wrote 814 days ago

John is a powerfully drawn MC. he has all the hallmarks of a character we will come to care about deeply as the guilt feelings begin to tear him apart. The is a wonderfully crafted work, with all the signs of doing extremely well on site. The pitch draws readers in, The pacing and short sharp sentences make for a fine reading experience.
Backed with pleasure
Suzannah Burke

R.A. Battles wrote 814 days ago

One of Ernest Hemingway's rules of writing was "use short sentences." I don't know how important that rule is these days, but I think Mr. Hemingway would be impressed with your writing.

Shelved.

Rodney

Melcom wrote 814 days ago

Wow, that's a hell of a first line. i think we're in for a cracker here.

Your descriptions are amazing, I was there in the HDW with him, wish I wasn't but I was.

Your writing is extremely polished but and it grieves me to say this i did find one nit for you.

The last thing he can remembers, you have!!

Great work, I know for sure this is going to do well on here.

Melxx
would love to hear your thoughts on Impeding Justice, no.47 in the charts, it's a crime/thriller with a gutsy female MC. xx

Famlavan wrote 781 days ago

No Love Lost

Very impressive short pitch (can you write me one!)
First person is not my favourite tense to read (it is so easy to make it incongruent) however you pull it off absolutely great. It pulls you straight into the storyline.
Also what I think makes this better then average is your use of all senses in the narrative description (again something that id often lost in first person). I think the weirdo line is inspired. – Good luck

David Conway wrote 784 days ago

Just finished reading all six chapters in one go -- was totally hooked from the first line. This is seriously impressive work. The consistency of John's narrative and the perception you display in expressing his emotional turmoil is quite brilliant. The sheer sense of isolation and alientaion that define serious conditions like genuine depression -- all the associated guilt and dislocation -- could not have been more finely drawn. I'm really happy to back this book and wish you the best of luck with it. Cheers, David.

lionel25 wrote 794 days ago

J, I enjoyed the first chapter. I liked the opening line. Good mix of narrative and dialogue in that chapter. Can't nitpick anything in that section.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Francesco wrote 799 days ago

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Eveleen wrote 799 days ago

It's powerful, hope to have time to read more.

Su Dan wrote 799 days ago

You use all manner of writing skills to boost your story; dialogue, narrative, stretched words- AAAAAAH! ETC...
`John murdered his mother` is a good start, too.
SU DAN [Seasons]

johnjoch wrote 801 days ago

A nicely put and written story about one man and his dead mother. Well worked and a different story. I am backing this as I see it reaching the top soon. Take a look at mine, Three Stayed Home a WW2 adventure and love story. I hope you like it and might consider backing. Regards JohnJ

Andy M. Potter wrote 802 days ago

J, great opening line. and it continues. this is clean and powerful prose with a compelling MC.
on my shelf!
no quibbles.
just a very minor thought: maybe you could break your chapters into smaller chunks for the auth site? helps with online reading.
best wishes, andy

Shakespeare's Talking Head wrote 803 days ago

Great job. I know you know what I mean in saying this; you've read my opening chapter. I felt this character all the way along. You've created a nice sort of disassociation, yet build the narrative to cover the underlying emotions. This a very nice example of a close third character driven plot. Also, the shortness of sentence length adds to the starkness as well as the pov character's state of mind.

No nits. I think any suggestion I made might detract from the overall feel of this. Fine job.
Gerry
DCA

Fredric Sinclair wrote 803 days ago

You do a great job of drawing your reader in, giving us a BIG confession at the get-go and then very little else as we go along, which is a smart way to keep your reader hooked. It kept me engaged and if I had more time I would probably continue on with the story....so I think that says a lot, as I'm not a reader of thrillers or murder mysteries.

I wonder, if perhaps, you reveal too little in the first several pages. As much as you've hooked me with your opening....I'm a few pages into it and wondering, what's really happening? What's the action here? I'm several pages into it and he's still just being admitted to a hospital. So I think you can tighten up the pace a bit and still keep the intrigue. You're clearly a very good writer with a good grasp of language. Just be careful -- I spied a few stylistic/ grammatical points in there an editor would take exception with (a misplace semicolon was one.) But nice job all around. Backed.

Matt Shaw wrote 803 days ago

This is written well and I have to confess, I enjoy stories featuring other people's feelings of guilt and despair - don't ask me why. Considering the subject matter, this is written with a hand that seems to know where to take the story and keep it a) interesting and b) believeable. This is backed.

Sheila Belshaw wrote 805 days ago

NO LOVE LOST:

J Oliver,

I was moved by the pitch before I even started reading the novel, and I found myself completely caught up with John's anxiety.

As a devotee of JM Coetzee, I can see the wonderful influence he has had on your writing. The present tense. The clarity of the prose. Not a word wasted. The short sentences. The perfect syntax.

Backed, with admiration,
Sheila (Pinpoint)

vanessa musson wrote 805 days ago

This is chilling stuff - John reminds me a little in his intensity and unpredictability of the Kevin in "We Need to Talk about Kevin". Only the Happy Shopper Vodka added a welcome note of levity into the dark and grim proceedings of Chapter 1!

Like the author of the comment below, I am a big fan of short sentences too - in theory at least - and you use them to dramatic effect here.

This is the finished article as far as I am concerned!

Backed with pleasure.
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

Raymond Nickford wrote 805 days ago

No Love Lost:

J. Oliver

A dramatic opening but one that also delivers doubt about John's belief and, if true, still opens a mystery where you most want it - at the start.
The dialogue between John and the nurse is very realistic and carries the doubt and the mystery to a new high, leaving the impression that John is suffering acute delusion.
The idea that his mother will only be able to RIP once the killer is truly confirmed provides a powerful tension and deepens the characterisation in what already promises to be a refreshing variant on the Thriller genre. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Ransom Heart wrote 805 days ago

Very nice job with Crazy Cakes! I could taste the blood in my mouth. Backed.
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Burgio wrote 806 days ago

All of us wish we had been better sons or daughters. This is a good story because it takes that latent guilt and pulls John down into a complete breakdown. His first night in the psych ward is very well written. A reader can feel the terror of not only being locked away but being locked away with strange, maybe dangerous, people. Your dialogue is good; always short and to the point. Backed. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

L.W. wrote 806 days ago

Written in present tense and well done! L.W.

klouholmes wrote 806 days ago

Hi J, A well-formulated psychiatric experience. And you have maintained the problem – whether John is sick in the head or whether he murdered his mother. It makes me realize that his attitude, for a murderer, would be crazy. The writing is very absorbing as you’ve shown his perspective to each event in his intake – the old woman making him feel guilty was good. There’s a central human issue here and John’s grief or remorse. The rendering of this setting is really well done! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Famlavan wrote 806 days ago

Just read the opening and backed it - Will be back as soon as i have more time to read more

gilbertmartin wrote 806 days ago

Not my genre and something I never back, after reading just one chapter im like whoaaa... put this down... that doesnt happen either! well done... backed

Pia wrote 806 days ago

J,

No Love Lost - like a powerul trance, your take the reader into John's mind. Harrowing, and so well done. It's a work I'd feel compelled to read to the end.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

pinkcoffee wrote 807 days ago

This is an amazing piece of work. I wish you the very best of luck with it. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Wilma1 wrote 807 days ago

Wow don’t really know what I can say to top that. What a powerful piece of writing – the detail you put in makes it all the stronger. Being inside Johns mind is a scary and confusing place.This should shoot up the charts its excellent.
Hope you enjoy, Knowing Liam Riley
Sue Mackender

AlanMarling wrote 807 days ago

Dear J Oliver,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. A fine first paragraph, showing confidence with its simplicity. The protagonist’s further insistence of his guilt along with the apparent incredulity of others builds the case for his madness. I get it, and I don’t feel the need for the reference to the crossed wires and the parenthetical declaration “(He isn’t mad!)” I do enjoy seeing madness from the inside, and I think you’ve portrayed his raving well in internal thoughts (great idea), setting up a brilliant potential character arc for him to overcome his madness.

Great tag line. In my fallible opinion, you could make your long pitch even more engaging. Currently, you well portray the reasons behind John’s breakdown, building sympathy. However, you hold back from telling the reader the story’s plot. Is it his recovery from his madness? Is it the budding romance with Meredith. You have “Thriller” as a genre, so I’m wondering if it’s in fact neither of those. You may wish to try cutting back the first paragraph to a sentence, to give you enough space to give the reader a clear idea of your story (not giving away the ending, of course). This will engage readers more, as well as giving potential agents an idea of if they should be interested.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes.

Toni Allen wrote 807 days ago

This certainly gets off to a compelling start. At first I found the tense swapping backwards and forwards a little difficult, but once you got into purely present tense it rattled along very smoothly.

Overall all I can say is that it needs a little tigthtening up.

My main issue is that there are far too many names starting with J. John Jones, Jill, Judy, James. It's always best to give main characters names starting with different letters so that the reader can easily differentiate who is in action or speaking. If a character is minor then simply call them 'matron' and save all of those well thought out names for special people.

The other thing is cut the exclamation marks!!!! Let the speach say it for you.

I do wonder if John is female...he certainly does appear to be in the wrong ward with all of those women around.

Excellent stuff, keep writing.

Toni
Being Richard

wannabewriter2009 wrote 807 days ago

This was very interesting. I read the first 2 chapters. Backed

Lynne wrote 808 days ago

Very well written and poignant in so many ways. You truly are gifted. Backed, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Tawn Anderson wrote 808 days ago

I read to escape my own reality... so this isn't usually my typical read. This reality is dark, depressing and has a healthy dose of hopelessness. However, in saying that, it is perfectly written for what you are trying to convey. The structure moves the story along, but leaves the reader with a sense of anxisouness. As I read, I could feel the mental hospital walls creeping in all the while the sterile doctors trying to 'fix' him. This is tough stuff, but you do it well. Backed!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

lizjrnm wrote 808 days ago

This is brilliant! I worked for several years in a psychiatric hospital and you got it down so perfectly in the first chapter. It is polished and the dialogue is so real! You have a gift for descriptive prose! BACKED and will come back later to read more!

LIz
The Cheech Room

Butler's Girl wrote 809 days ago

No Love Lost

Like Jared ... liked the WELCOME... door mat... nice touch!
The beginning is fantastic, i can feel/taste John's frustration...why won't anyone believe him?
I have to read more!
Well done John, a cracking read... reminds me of Mark Billingham. First class!
Alison Butler (The Hanging of Margaret Dickson)

DKTD1 wrote 809 days ago

No issues, great premise, good dialogue.

Backed!

Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

jfredlee wrote 809 days ago

J -

This is so far out of my normal choice of food groups I don't feel right offering any criticism.

But the writing is gripping, and marvelous.

Very interesting choice of tenses, too.

Backed.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

M. A. McRae. wrote 810 days ago

I didn't think I'd like this, and I don't really. Yet it's compulsive. I thought at first the writing was rather scrambled, and so it is, - just as it should be. I really admire your skills, I think this is probably a better book than I could ever write, and so I've backed it.

yasmin esack wrote 810 days ago

Marvelous!

bonalibro wrote 810 days ago

Very strong stuff here. I understand completely. My parents always loved us most for the way we were at two years old and could not adjust to us growing up. I'm 57 now and my mother still looks at me THAT way, and talks to me THAT way, and it makes me wish she were dead.

In Chapter 4, where is he? Who are Ben and Denise? Are they in his head? Hard to tell.

I have great respect for this work and would love to have your thoughts on mine.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Mooderino wrote 810 days ago

The writing feels very polished and you show a lot of good technique. The first chapter was a little heavey going with so much concentrated on one aspect of one person. The place suffered, although muanyof the lines were beautifully constructed. On a narrative level it was clear what was happening quite early on so by the end of the chapter I felt a bit beaten over the head with his state of mind, wehich may very well be the effect you were going for.

Personally, i think once you get your point across it starts following the law of diminishing returns and some judicious pruning would make the good stuff stand out better.

Still a lot of fantastic writing in the two chapters I read so worth a slot on my shelf.

Jared wrote 810 days ago

Effective pitches convey the mood of the novel and your opening line is a real attention-grabber - indeed the whole of the opening chapter is remarkable. John is deeply troubled, unable to deal with his predicament and the descriptions of life on that ward are wonderfully evocative.
This is a novel I would happily read to the end. I've read all your chapters, packed with memorable detail and very well constructed. John wiping his feet on the mat in chapter 6, 'WELCOME' - 'Thanks." Excellent.
Backed with approval.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

soutexmex wrote 811 days ago

I read the first chapter, I thought a bit long for this genre as I write in the same genre. Do like those short pithy sentences. Kinda reminded me of those old noir films. Love the short pitch, brilliant. Not a fan of the long pitch. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Susan Bennett wrote 811 days ago

All too often writers - novices and bestsellers alike - make the mistake of saying their characters "could see" or "could feel" and every time I read that, I think, "Well why didn't they then?" If they "could see" or "could feel" then why didn't they simply see it or feel it? It's clear, however, that you use this purposely, and to good effect. When John "can feel his hands melding to the orange plastic of the seat", I felt you illustrated, or perhaps even illuminated, the dissociation of mind/body/spirit in a fragmented soul very effectively. My mouth dried up and my heart thudded listlessly; I was walking a few feet in your character's shoes. The beginning of chapter six is very simple and all the more effective for being so - you've placed a great deal of trust in your readers, in their intelligence and in their capacity for empathy. In doing so, you have invited them into your story and allowed them to feel it for themselves. When I walked away from the hospital, my eyes were squinting against the daylight; grey though it might have been, it was far too bright for my eyes, which were watering meanly, lacking the capacity for proper tears, while my tongue salivated within the confines of my clenched jaw. We're witnessing a soul in the process of heaving a great psychic sigh. You've tackled a very difficult subject, you brave soul. Good on you for doing it. And I absolutely love your tag Madness is relative(s). (I'll add my own - but where would we be without them? Sane, but lonely.) I think you're just hitting your stride at the end of chapter six, and I'd very much like the opportunity to read more. AND congratulations on writing in the present tense so successfully. I hadn't noticed the tense until I read someone else's comment on it. Work in the present tense can be tremendously annoying and very few writers do it well - you're one of them. Good on you -well done and all the best.

gillyflower wrote 811 days ago

Your pitch is interesting and different, and made me want to read this book. John is a well drawn, three dimensional character, and you deal with his disturbance effectively. We hear his thoughts, and we see the sequence of events, but you hint more than tell us at his extreme reactions which have convinced the police and then the doctors and nurses that he is a psychiatric case rather than a murderer. The first chapter is chilling, with John taken to the locked ward in spite of everything, and unable to speak or convince people that he isn't mad. Your writing is very gripping and you make us feel John's fear. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 811 days ago

The storyline is constructed around the repetition of guilt feelings regarding the death of the protagonist's mother--an excellent device to provide insight concerning a mental state. The "sounds" of door slams and particular expressions are effective in building the MC's surroundings. The appearance of the black man is only modified by a reference to wearing a hood; a more complete visual discription might slow the read a little, but it would relax the reader because of a visual image being constructed. This work will become a powerful novel based on my impression. Thanks for letting me read some of your material. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) Backed on my Bookshelf.

Telegraph wrote 812 days ago

Intense and powerfu and captaivating fror the first word to the last. C W Shelved.

Adelie High wrote 812 days ago

I can't tell you how desperate I am to get my blue pencil out!

That's a good sign, perhaps, the best.

I would normally counsel against using the present tense when writing longer prose, but it works here, making the scene very flat and immediate, keeping us in your MC's present. I like that. I also like the staccato, disengaged quality of many of the passages, and the dialogue works; you manage to deliver convincingly different voices for the doctor, the patient, the orderly etc.

There are things that I really want you to work on, and I'll give some edited examples from your work if you ask for them:

Rhythm creates tension, and you don't always allow yours to show through the mess of grammar and redundant or missing words. You could easily lose a great many reflexives and placeholders, particularly in the prose sections; if you maintain them in dialogue the contrast might be too much, but a balance is entirely possible.

You must reintroduce pronouns to sentences without subjects, and you have a number of them; the same applies to verbless sentences. On the whole, I'd recommend you upgrade all of the grammar; I see what you're trying to do, but it has to be right. Style never excuses misuse of structures, at least, not so far as I'm concerned.

Place is also a problem. Like many of us, you are guilty of using a midlantic accent in your writing; I'd like this to be British, if at all possible, and while I'm on the subject, you ought to think about the differences between 'round' and 'around', and 'as if' and 'like', for openers.

I'm criticising the writing for the very simple reason that I think this could be a very good read; I want this to be a very good read. Allow your talent for storytelling to come to the surface so that we are not distracted by technical issues.

Shelved for being really very good,

Adelie High (Naming Names)

Christina McClean wrote 812 days ago

All the details go to make up a powerful story, real and believable and somewhere we dont want to go. Writing about mental illness is about the most unpopular thing to do, but you've made it compelling reading, showing us and leading us to give insight to an unstable mind - a confusing journey. Will read on.
Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

missyfleming_22 wrote 812 days ago

This is great. You've got a great main character in John and you set it up perfectly for what is coming. As a reader I am very curious about how this will play out. Very talented writing and I'm glad I came across this one! Wonderful.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Jim Darcy wrote 812 days ago

This is a difficult read, observing the distress from the inside, but you create the stifling, suffocating atmosphere really well. Not going to top the comedy charts but certainly an intense, well written read. Are you going to post more on site at some stage? Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

ellen911 wrote 813 days ago

Great narration. I feel completely for John and am curious as to what direction the plot will take. I do suggest you cut the first chapter in half. We lazy readers like to feel we're making progress in a story. Turning to the next chapter is one small victory.
Great writing.
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Colin Normanshaw wrote 813 days ago

Good pitch and clever book cover. You have a really strong start to your book, and we instantly believe John in his inner turmoil and complete frustration. Be wary of long sentences with unnecessary commas - many could be removed through editing and thiswill make the writing flow even better. You have good pace and an engaging writing style. Backed with pleasure. Colin

lynn clayton wrote 813 days ago

Great pitch. Like reading about madness. Your treatment of it is full of insight and subtlety. You set up John as an unlikely hero but one we feel for from the first. After that we'll go anywhere with him. Backed. Lynn

glenn1862 wrote 814 days ago

I can relate to this character... well done.

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