Eris

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Hi there - see below for the problems with this piece.
Not my usual kind of read, but worth backing as it will be greatly improved by editing.
Best wishes, Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

A well structured piece, written with care and skill.
SU DAN [Seasons]

Hello Mark,

Browsing for a good read, I came upon "Iris" and was far from disappointed. You introduce your main character at once, give him a strong mission, and send him on his way. With this for starters, plus clear and forceful writing, I decided to back the book and read on when I have time.

I have some reservations, though, concerning point of view. Your fourth paragraph, giving background, is an "author intrusion." You were in Iris's head, moving merrily along, when suddenly you're telling, not showing. The subject matter is important, but slip it in later through dialogue and thoughts, as you do from then on. Your next section (after the break) is objective but acceptable. At times the author needs to step in. Then you instinctively return to Iris's POV. This is standard procedure with good writers, probably first introduced by Flaubert.

Another suggestion. End Chapter 1 where Iris starts on his journey [with his pouch of selected round stones]--a good "cliffhanger." It wouldn't hurt to flesh out that first part a little, but ending it there would launch the story and avoid the sense of rambling. The next paragraph starts Chapter 2, or maybe you could go objective again to work in a bit more background. Pacing is important in maintaining interest.

One other thought. Use a comma before the conjunction (and, but, or, then) in a long compound sentence. For example: [Pete Karlsson said they should stay the night at the inn, and in the morning produced two travel packs with food, water, and bedrolls.] Grammatically this is two sentences linked together, with [he] understood after [morning]. Note also the comma after [water], strongly recommended by most American manuals. If you omit it in series of single words, which some authorities still accept, you should use in all series of phrases.

It would be kind of you to back "The Doctor of Summitville" if you truly find it deserving.

Best of luck, Bill

A couple of simple technical considerations to begin with. Get this looking better on the page. If it looked more like a book, it would be easier to read and more accessible. It's appearance would also give you an idea of how this is working. You can tell an awful lot by how prose looks on paper.

There's too much exposition at the beginning of this; there's no substitute for getting on with the meat of the story, by which I mean the action. You might, for example, begin with a sea battle between ships, seeing this from the father's point of view, and then drop away to the son at home, making a clean connection and showing us this nation at war.

The writing isn't bad, although you do need to work on grammar and structures, and the ideas for the story, while not original, seem sound to me.

There's a large contingent of fantasy fans here, so you should have no trouble attracting comments that should be useful to you in the edit.

I'm shelving this for promise.

Best,

Adelie (Naming Names)

Hi Mark. This is a superb fantasy story. I think you can definitely attract a fan base / audience for your story, and get a book deal for it. Will this be a series, or just the one book? Either way, you have the creativity and the writing talent to carry through your tale. I like the characters, places, and settings in your story. There is an air of grandeur in them all.

I recommend that you add Fiction and Young Adult as genre categories for your book. Also, you can use a special symbol (say ***) during your chapters, to give a break to the reader during passages of time in the story, scene changes, etc. Putting these in once in a while will allow your lengthy chapters to read even more smoothly to readers.

I foresee Eris doing very well. Perhaps like Christopher Paolini, you can make Eris into the next Eragon: a hit fantasy book / series! :-)

Your fellow fantasy writer,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

Beautfully done. easy and enjoyable to read. I hope Eris can get a chance to compete one day. it is a wonderful start. godd luck. backed

shah

First thoughts, the wide line spacing is visually disturbing on my computer screen; I have to scroll down all the time to see the next bit which, as it gets quite exciting, is a little frustrating. Eris has the making of a good MC, as does Marl. Marisa too for that matter. There was not quite enough to locate me in time and space, a mixture of Greek type things and others too but no cohesion yet. all these are easily fixed. Any way, the story looks to be an engrossing one. Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood