Dawn of Resurgence

Great Prologue! I read through that and the first two chapters and so far your story sounds great. You do a fantastic job of painting a picture of the characters surroundings. Your prologue definitely drew me in and made me want to keep reading. Smooth dialogue and a natural rhythm make this book easy and enjoyable to read. Thanks so much and I will give this one high stars.

AGE OF RESURGENCE / Ryan Holmes

What a difference a few months can make. All I can say is WOW! You've tightened this work up very nicely. The pace is great, less wasted words, the writing crisp and all in all this is a waaaaaaay better story.

The biggest difference I see is the flow is now so crisp and quick, 1 - 2 -3. Excellent. I see you have trimmed many of your sentences, having obviously gone on patrol for excessive word usage and excess ads and ads. Way to go, man.

Your narrative is much stronger than I remember from months back. You are polishing up quite a story here. I especially remember your first paragraphs and I think you start out much better now. (The first page is so important as well as the first chapter.)

I really like the way you allow CH1 to close. Essentially, you've forced your reader to turn to CH2. The mysteriousness of Aquila's statement saying he must not know of his destiny is spot on right there at the end.

CH2 gets right to moving the story along. I don;t like to comment on details of a writer's story so it does not give anything aweay to those who browse but you do a wonderful job of setting the pace in CH2. I would think those that enjoy this genre will gobble this thing up.

I might like to recommend that you possibly visit Dina Rae's work (here on Authonomy) if you get a chance. I get the feeling you will enjoy what she writes.

Anyway, good job, dude. This work is coming along very nicely. 6 stars and backing spot as soon as my higher ranked ones make the desk.

My very best to you, Ryan.

Emmett

Again, I'm so sorry I didn't get back to this sooner.

I've read the first three chapters. I enjoyed them very much. :) I like the way you're laying out the plot and your pacing is good. There's lots of things taking place but nothing feels overwhelmed by anything else. That's tricky to do.

I'm only pointing this out because my writing group is always pointing it out to me- watch your use of passive voice. There are places where you could re-word sentences to remove the passive voice, and it would improve your story. :) (Not that it's bad, but the use of passive voice drags in places.)

I use editminion.com to help with editing my book. It's very useful and best of all, it's free. :)

Good luck with this. I like your plot and your characters. It just needs tweaking a little bit to make it really great.

Lou

Ryan, I don't normally read fantasy or horror (I like the real scary stuff - the Times, Washington Post, etc.) but as a former Marine, too (Chapters 11 & 12 of my book), I thought I'd give you the benefit of my doubt. Glad I did.

There's a lot of stuff going on. It's a long chapter and could be tightened up by keeping only to the descriptive writing that's really germane to the story. Great imagination. I think you'll see the pace pick up if you streamline it a little. All in all, a good start, though. Don't look for too many technical comments from me, I'm just learning to write myself.

My book is A PLACE IN LIFE. If you have a few minutes, I'd appreciate you looking at a chapter or two and commenting.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Ryan,
I read the first chapter of Age of Resurgence and was stunned at your luscious descriptions. They are so detailed and paint vivid images. The plot of this story is very imaginative and fits well into the fantasy genre. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Ryan, just read the opening of Dawn of Resurgence and thoroughly enjoyed it. You have a fluid style of writing that is a pleasure to read. Your descriptions are both vivid and evocative and the characterisation spot on. I’ve left a few comments, which I hope prove useful and it’s with great pleasure I have backed your work.

Without warning, a searing light flooded her vision. Aquila jumped as a column of fire, as wide as the crest of the island, spewed into the heavens. In its wake, thunderous, black clouds billowed away, spitting lightning in all directions. The fiery eruption unleashed violent tremors [through the island,] knocking Aquila to the ground, her body flailing.***
***The opening paragraph is great, full of movement and sound. However, I don’t think you need the bracketed words, the repetition of “island” interrupts the flow of the narrative, just: The fiery eruption unleashed violent tremors, knocking Aquila to the ground, her body flailing.

…The pause between lightning and thunder grew. The storm was moving away, but when Aquila stood the [island]… Suggest replacing this with “ground.”.

“How will I know?” Aquila asked. Recalling them now, her words seemed as familiar as if [they just fell from her lips,]… The syntax is a bit off here, suggest: …as if they’d just fallen from her lips…

The shadowy forms of the monastery ruins lingering near the top of Skellig Michael appeared before Aquila. Great domed structures of stacked stone loomed in the darkness. Their inhabitants departed this place long ago, yet the stone domes and surrounding walls remained in pristine condition. Neither meandering underbrush nor spongy moss dared to encroach upon this sacred ground.***
***Great description, one of many, very evocative.

[Aquila] took steps to ensure some of the Angelos and Djinn…
[Aquila] crouched behind a stone wall encircling… Two consecutive paragraphs beginning with the mc’s name. Suggest varying this, or the narrative begins to read like a list. For example, the 2nd paragraph could be restructured along the lines of: Crouching behind a stone wall encircling the monastery, Aquila….

She took a long, deep breath, releasing it slowly. With the last bit of air expelled, she paused, listening. She heard nothing, not the buzzing of biting flies or chirping of crickets. The ruins remained as empty and dead as the domed huts now resembling headstones of the monks who once lived here. Aquila dashed toward the square knowing the silence and emptiness would not last long. With every step into the open, her skin tingled with the anticipation of attack.**
** Again, great description, which heightens the tension.

…After so many years, she finally found him. Again the syntax is a little off, suggest: After so many years she’d finally found him.

The paragraph beginning: Bounding out from behind broken boulders and tearing through the surrounding shrubbery… and ending: An alliance between these races was as shocking as their number, is beautifully done, I could “see” the imagery.

And again, the following paragraph: Among the devils were many of the small red-skinned imps… is full of evocative description. Just one minor nitpick, the words: “emancipated emotion,” jarred a little, perhaps replace with something a little less melodramatic.

[… they scrambled over the rocks like possessed spiders.] Loved this.

[ … as the first ball of fire crashed into it. The flames splashed down on the stone like an upended bucket of burning fluid flowing across the ground in rolling waves.] Fantastic description.

She could not[gate] away… typo, should be “get”.

Great Prologue! I read through that and the first two chapters and so far your story sounds great. You do a fantastic job of painting a picture of the characters surroundings. Your prologue definitely drew me in and made me want to keep reading. Smooth dialogue and a natural rhythm make this book easy and enjoyable to read. Thanks so much and I will give this one high stars.

Ryan~

I made it through the Prologue so far.

I like the intro and the scene-stepping: explosion, scaling the mountain, battle scene, escape. Here are some specific suggestions. Below them, you’ll find an overview of a few “big-picture” items.

- “her body flailing” seems unnecessary. She’s suddenly thrown, I can see that action.
- It’s good to get a snapshot of her body with the “short, slender”. The finer “…youthful face framed by feathered auburn hair” seems a bit out of place here. She is not ‘detail’ to the reader at this point, she’s a shadowy form scaling a mountain. Perhaps, save that snippet of description for a future revealing in a more intimate setting—a conversation for instance.
- Fifth paragraph: The end of the first line requires a double-take to decipher its meaning. Perhaps “…uttered yesterday, not over a century before.”
- The “Wrapped in ignorance…” line sounded like Yoda in my head. Don’t know if that’s good or bad… ;)
- Para beginning with: “When what was cast away returns?” - “Seer” is spelled “Sear”. “Behavior” is used in two consecutive sentences.
- I love the image of the monastery coming into sight. However, I find conflict with the use of the terms “ruins” and “pristine condition” as applied to the monastery. Can it be both?
- With the line “Neither meandering underbrush…” This sounds definitive. Vegetation WILL not grow here. But, a little further down, Aquila realizes it’s due to the explosion/fire. Maybe this line should be a little less absolute? Perhaps beginning it with: “It was as though…” instead of stating it so emphatically.
- “If he robbed the Griffin from her…” Does “stole” work better?
- The flashbacks to her mother, brother, the Council, all seem to break up the flow of the action. I want to see her approach, feel her fear/anticipation. These insertions keep forcing the action to an abrupt stop. Perhaps they are needed in the prologue? I wish it was either backstory, or action—but not both.
- “Quickly she moved…” Does this construction of the first two lines in the para feel tighter? “Aquila knelt in the ash, pulling a blanket from inside her tunic.” It shows the action a little better—gets rid of quickly, removed & produced.
- “Aquila spun…” paragraph. This is quick-paced action. Keep the sentences short, mirroring the immediacy of the movements. “Aqulia spun to face the noise. Instinctively, her free arm flew up. A bolt collided with her energy shield, curving around it in waves of blue. Beyond the fading light, the shadows revealed her attacker.” I’d suggest keeping it quick, tense, punchy.
- I see the group of enemies with the word “hordes”. “By the dozens” is unnecessary.
- There is excessive description of the “enemies”. It’s too much to take in: names, physical appearance, height, armor (or lack thereof), colors, teeth, etc. Consider using one line to name them all; devils, imps, ghouls, goblins, hob-goblins etc. Then, if you want to differentiate them in this scene, do so succinctly with perhaps one key descriptor that sets each apart from the others. Assuming these characters will reappear, you’ll have another chance to give details. If they don’t reappear, then the reader doesn’t need the descriptions. By paring this down, you can amp up the tension of Aquila, precious baby in arm, being surrounded by a gruesome horde.
- “She was not adept at making quick decisions…” This sentence is telling us. SHOW us this aspect of Aquila. Or, leave this whole sentence out altogether. To me, she seems to assess and react quickly. [Way quicker than I would be! Lol]
- In the “Driven by instinct…” para, Aquila covers “…her face with her free arm. With one arm creating the shield, and one holding/protecting the baby…which arm is she using? 
- “bubble like” should be hyphenated.
- I can’t see the Quilt. I don’t quite understand what visual I should be having. The saucers are very clear in my mind. (Good job!) I’d like to be able to “see” the Quilt in the same way.
- “She could not gate [GET] away…”
- “Pain blossomed in her arm.” Such a beautiful word for describing such an ugly experience. Exploded? Stabbed?
- Aquila’s “instinct” takes over a lot, but I never get a sense of it going away. Fighting is instinct. She is thinking quickly and responding to the threats. I believe that you can cut these references to “instinct” all together.
- “On the other side of the Gateway…” This could be changed to a more active voice: “Emerging through the gateway, she stood on the green…”
- Aquila pays no attention to the baby during the fight sequence. Is he yelling, screaming, squirming, scared? Is she concerned about him at all? On the far side of the Gateway, he falls asleep it seems. Was he silent & undisturbed by the melee, jostling, spinning, fireballs? Does Aquila ever lose her grip on him? Glance down at him? I want to see the baby in danger, with his amazing rescuer fighting for his life—not just her own. Include the baby in the fight scene. He seems strangely absent.
- Aquila produces “two decoys”, but “the three ran off”. Are there two or three? Is Aquila running off as one of the three? Needs a little clarification.
- Punctuation note: When speech is interrupted in mid-sentence, use “—“ instead of an ellipsis “…”
- Look for uses of “felt”, “looked”, “saw” throughout the Prologue. These are indications where you can show the actual action as opposed to telling about it. Most of the sentences with these cues can be rewritten to create a stronger sense of the action/feeling.

My main suggestions overall would be:
- Divide the descriptions of the backstory from the action sequence.
- Keep the action punchy, immediate, dangerous.
- Edit the descriptors to the bare essentials needed to get the image across.
- Let us feel Aquila’s fear for the baby. Make us want to rush in and help her save him!

Thanks for putting this out there!
~Lucas

AGE OF RESURGENCE / Ryan Holmes

What a difference a few months can make. All I can say is WOW! You've tightened this work up very nicely. The pace is great, less wasted words, the writing crisp and all in all this is a waaaaaaay better story.

The biggest difference I see is the flow is now so crisp and quick, 1 - 2 -3. Excellent. I see you have trimmed many of your sentences, having obviously gone on patrol for excessive word usage and excess ads and ads. Way to go, man.

Your narrative is much stronger than I remember from months back. You are polishing up quite a story here. I especially remember your first paragraphs and I think you start out much better now. (The first page is so important as well as the first chapter.)

I really like the way you allow CH1 to close. Essentially, you've forced your reader to turn to CH2. The mysteriousness of Aquila's statement saying he must not know of his destiny is spot on right there at the end.

CH2 gets right to moving the story along. I don;t like to comment on details of a writer's story so it does not give anything aweay to those who browse but you do a wonderful job of setting the pace in CH2. I would think those that enjoy this genre will gobble this thing up.

I might like to recommend that you possibly visit Dina Rae's work (here on Authonomy) if you get a chance. I get the feeling you will enjoy what she writes.

Anyway, good job, dude. This work is coming along very nicely. 6 stars and backing spot as soon as my higher ranked ones make the desk.

My very best to you, Ryan.

Emmett

Again, I'm so sorry I didn't get back to this sooner.

I've read the first three chapters. I enjoyed them very much. :) I like the way you're laying out the plot and your pacing is good. There's lots of things taking place but nothing feels overwhelmed by anything else. That's tricky to do.

I'm only pointing this out because my writing group is always pointing it out to me- watch your use of passive voice. There are places where you could re-word sentences to remove the passive voice, and it would improve your story. :) (Not that it's bad, but the use of passive voice drags in places.)

I use editminion.com to help with editing my book. It's very useful and best of all, it's free. :)

Good luck with this. I like your plot and your characters. It just needs tweaking a little bit to make it really great.

Lou

Hey,

Watch listed this for now to read over the weekend. :) Would you be interested in swapping reads with me?

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow

Intriguing

Chapters 1 and 2 are excellent. Jacob and Sam are great characters and I'm interested in their stories. Is Sam's house in Miami too? If so, be careful about having deep underground caverns. The water table is very high in Florida. The aquifer would get in the way of something really deep.

I feel the prologue could be tightened up a bit. It was exciting, but some things weren't clear.

Typo? She could not gate away while being assaulted. (Do you mean “get.” If not, then you better explain what “gate away” means.)

The amount of magic used is a bit overwhelming without an explanation about the magic system and what she can do. What are her limitations?

At the same time, some of the political background in the prologue felt a little dense. Maybe you can work that in later when Jacob learns it.

Overall, this is great. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

Ryan, here to return the read. As always, this is just one person’s opinion and so you should take from it only what you find useful.

I found your pitch a little confusing. It has a sense of mystery, but it’s like you’re deliberately trying to keep as much secret as possible. I realise there may be things you don’t want to give away, but for me there wasn’t enough of a hook to encourage me to pick up the book. Is there any way you can give a little more sense of who Jacob is and what drives him, to make me feel as though he is a protagonist I can identify with?

My first impression of your opening was that it was a bit overwritten. Take the first sentence. There are a lot of adjectives in there, and their effect is actually to deaden the impact of the sentence. To use a Worldbuilderly analogy, it’s like a blade wrapped in cotton wool. Take away the cotton wool, and the blade will be much sharper :-)

I wanted to feel more of Aquila’s experiences in the opening paragraphs. She’s in a dangerous landscape, she’s trying to reach her goal quickly and without being discovered – there’s so much scope here for letting your reader experience things through her eyes. Does her heart race, do her legs ache, does she smell sulphur in the air? ‘The ground shivered beneath her leather boots’ is great. I want more of this, please!

(BTW, minor typo alert – ‘snuggly’ = cuddly. ‘Snugly’ = closely fitting. Also ‘past it’ = too old. ‘Passed it’ = went by it.)

There’s lots of drama in the first chapter, and a fine prophetic sense that the events being narrated are somehow going to have a big impact … somewhere. But although now that I’ve got to the end of the chapter I can see how it fits with your pitch, to begin with it was almost like reading a different book. Your pitch very much places the action in this world, but that wasn’t clear at the beginning of your first chapter – it all felt supernatural and rather disorientating, with nothing of the real world to ground it. Only when Aquila turned up at the Dillons’ and saw the Jeep parked outside did I really feel that I knew where I was or what was going on. Again, it may be worth tweaking your pitch to give your reader more idea of what to expect when they start reading.

Chapter 2. Ah, this is more what I was expecting. Maybe the first chapter would be better placed as a prologue?

I’d watch your attributive verbs. Berated, offered, commented, stated – like the adjectives, they could get a little much. In addition, ‘berated’ in the first line isn’t really right. He can’t just berate, he has to berate somebody (in this instance himself). And ‘stated’ doesn’t make sense tagged onto the speech ‘Oh no, don’t do that, sir’ – that’s not a statement, it’s a request or a plea.

I am a little confused about Jacob. He’s meant to be a former Marine – is that right? Well, that’s what your short pitch states. But there’s no hint of it in this chapter … plus that’s got to be a stressful occupation, and yet he hasn’t seen the ‘death spectre’ (indicating a stressful moment) between high school and now? Or am I missing something?

At the end of chapter 2 you switch to Sam, which was another surprise. And his POV continues all through chapter 3. In fact, as far as I can tell, Jacob doesn’t come back until chapter 6. If Jacob is to be your main protagonist, I would strongly recommend interweaving his story more throughout the other stories so that the reader never loses sight of him. Alternatively, (again) I would suggest updating your pitch so that the other stories are made equally prominent to Jacob’s. At the moment, I’m 6 chapters in and I still haven’t reached the story that was suggested in the pitch.

Overall I think you’ve got some interesting ideas here, but I’m struggling to get a sense of the story’s shape. I’d suggest you rewrite your pitch as a matter of priority, and also look at cutting out unnecessary words to make your prose tighter, sharper and cleaner. In addition, if Jacob is to be your MC then I think he needs to be made more prominent in the book.

l have only read a small section of this. but l can tell you can write-- there is good flow, with good use of dialogue... on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Continued...

I made reference to your "voice" in the first box. When you wrote your bio on your introduction page is what I am referring to. Go back and read what you wrote. You wrote it with authority!!! The reason why? Because it was all true. Interesting too I may add. Voice was strong and authoritative. Very convincing. I would think you have an amazing personal story. That is what I ttok from it because of the voice.

Now, what am I getting at? Bring that same voice to fiction. Make me believe what you are writing. When you overuse "and", "then", "was" and so forth, I feel as if you are trying to convince me. Let your carefully selected verb usage be the action. Adjectives and adverbs can be your friends...or...they can be your worst enemies. Are you with me?

Okay (still chapter 5) - Down to Walter coming in the door. Read it again. (Walter's name twice in a row) Replace the second one with "he". You could make it two sentences. Be thrifty. Short sentences are okay. They get right to the point and no one is going to go, "Wow, his sentence was too short." They will react about length. I promise.
EXAMPLE:
The door does not open itself. Walter opened it. So say so. Also, an opportunity to use another verb wisely, presents itself here. Something that can help describe Walter in fact. Does he "bound" out of the door. Does he "exit" through it or perhaps..."shoots out of the door to the "awaiting" morning sun.
MY VERSION:
Walter pressed his weight against the inside of the apartment building's door to go outside. (or something like that) He welcomed the early morning sun that cast its warmth on his face. His mother would have no part of his attempts to convince her to let him stay home because of last night's events. He had to go to school.
(See what I mean)
Also, at the end of the paragraph:
Walter wasn't "about" to let het know "about" it. (About twice) How about:
Walter would never let her know it.

These are some examples of things I would feel need your attention. Remember, they are only my opinion and only you are the best steward for your words. If you are wondering why I took all this time (two hours, counting the reading)...it is because you are a United States Marine! Thank you for your service and keep at the writing. You have a good skill that will get better with time and dedication.

My very best to you young man.

Sincerely,

E M Delaney

Hey Ryan,

Semper Fi.

I see my friend Bob has viewed your book. I did not know that before looking at it. I thought I'd give it a look because of an author that has it on her shelf. (Atwater)

I read your bio page before checking out your work. It helped me becasue I am going to make refereence to that in just a minute.

Ryan, you are a good writer. You have a good clear voice. Easy to read. Okay, I padded you on the head, now here it goes.

Your very first sentence of the very first chapter tells me something. First, it is toooooooo long. That is the last place you want to have a burdensome...wordy sentence. Here is what I would suggest. Break it up.

e.g: The darkened sky flashed again. (Nice quick...says night...says storm...says sky...says lightning) Then describe.....

The forking bolts of lightning streaked through the thunderheads; etc,.. etc,...

I only mention this because it is the first paragraph. It just struck me (first impression) as a very long sentence.

You could choose to completely ignore the above and it wouldn't make much difference I wouldn't think.

The story is good. You have a knack for painting pictures with words my friend. The gift, as they say.

Another example. This is about word thriftyness. Be careful about repeating words in a sentence. Especially...un-necessary ones. Example:

The sound of a bolt turning could be heard, and then the door opened to reveal a man and a woman, both of middle age.

Should read like this:
The sound of a bolt turning could be heard. (period) The door opened etc,..(We're eliminating..."and then") You could also cut the muddle a bit by saying:
The dooropened to reveal a middle aged man and woman. (Less commas...less run-on....less "and")

Try to never use the word "and" if you can. Was, were, "and", that, etc, should be used as little as possible. Also avoid words ending in "ly" if possible. Stephen King wrote a wonderful book called, "On Writing" that is a BIG help on the basics. I humbled myself to read some of it and was amazed at some of the things I had always done wrong.

You are a wonderful storyteller Ryan. A grrrrreeeeaaat (Copyright 1960's Tony The Tiger) imagination. I could waste space here with many examples of the good stuff but that isn't critique, is it?

Okay. One more thing. A writer can get ahead of himself very easily. Another example. Chapter 5. Again, first paragraph. You wrote:
His eyes focused in on a circular object in front of his face "and" realized he was staring at his wristwatch.
(His eyes don't realize. He must realize with use of his eyes)
Are you with me?
Next sentence should read:
The absence of light made him squint ...etc,... (You started with "There was")

In the last sentence. Read it first as you have written it. Then, come back and read my version:
With slow deliberate movements, he tried again: realizing he was lying on pavement, next to a fence inside an alley. (Again, we're eliminating "and")
NOTE: You can do this many times. Add "ing" to your verb, drop "and".

I'm going to cut here and use another box

Ryan, I don't normally read fantasy or horror (I like the real scary stuff - the Times, Washington Post, etc.) but as a former Marine, too (Chapters 11 & 12 of my book), I thought I'd give you the benefit of my doubt. Glad I did.

There's a lot of stuff going on. It's a long chapter and could be tightened up by keeping only to the descriptive writing that's really germane to the story. Great imagination. I think you'll see the pace pick up if you streamline it a little. All in all, a good start, though. Don't look for too many technical comments from me, I'm just learning to write myself.

My book is A PLACE IN LIFE. If you have a few minutes, I'd appreciate you looking at a chapter or two and commenting.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Ryan,
I read the first chapter of Age of Resurgence and was stunned at your luscious descriptions. They are so detailed and paint vivid images. The plot of this story is very imaginative and fits well into the fantasy genre. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. Good details. Vivid descriptions. Awesome world building. Good tension. Pacing seemed a tad slow, probably because of some lengthy passages of description and backstory.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) "Remember child, all that I have seen may yet be seen again." Comma after 'remember.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
2) 'Their number was shocking' is telling. Consider showing this important emotional reaction.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire.'

Happy writing.

Al