The Alchemist's Apprentice (working title)

Just read your first chapter and I have to admire it's impeccability. Your characters are believable, imagery vivid, and I didn't find any gramatical errors. Bravo :D The only thing I did notice was the quotations, but I researched it and discoverd that this is the British practice. In the U.S. we use double quotation marks. Just goes to show, you learn something new everyday. I think a story about Nicolas Flamel promises to be very interesting and I look forward to reading the rest of your book. Until then, highly rated.

All the best,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and Other Stories

To me the blurb sounded very complex and almost off putting. The actual story is much better. I have read the first chapter and I enjoyed how this chapter began with the sneaking in the middle of the night to read. The formalities between the characters made it difficult for me to relate to them. I like how the chapter ends with the image that is visualised from the copied poem - this is my favourite part in the whole chapter. Very visual.

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A wonder fantasy world. Makes it a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I lived in the South West of France for a year and you capture the smells, sounds and beauty of the landscape with utter perfection. However, after your first chapter to have such a leap in time, is both surprising and almost jarring. Still, you handle the jump effortlessly and it was easy for the reader to adapt. You have a classic mythic narrative structure here and your hero's journey is wonderfully imagined in the opening six chapters I have read. The hook of the manuscript is just an utter delight and I cannot find any typo/grammatical errors to speak of. I am more than happy to back of this - oh, and I even like the title, as is.
Carl
The Time Hunters

This is right up my alley. Who isn't interested in immortality really, I think that's why Vampire books are always a card.

Anyway, I know it's a working title, but I quite like it. Simple easy and relevant to the story.

This is well written and the story is great.

A little nitpick right at the beginning. The sentences beginning "His eyes adjusting to the darkness....." I'd simply drop the His at the start. It reads just as well and is a touch tighter that way. A minor thing I know.

Best of luck with it

Tim H
Hellbound

Alchemist, it's so beautiful, like an illuminated manuscript. You give us what we expect from the title, strange symbols and mystery. The dialogue is naturalistic but right for the setting. The prose, too, is not over-written, but precise and apt. Magical.Shelved. Lynn
P.S. Good cover

I think students at my school would love reading this! Happy to back!

Check out Curse of the Golden Fly when you get time.

Camille

I spotted your book when I checked out the YA readers group. I'm upto chapter 6 on this so far and have to say I'm loving it. You have a beautifully woven story of future and past. This richly descriptive story has really captivated my imagination. I feel completely compelled to keep reading as I try to merge the past and the future by joining the dots. Its a fascinating story that follows the life young curious boy who over hundreds of years develops into tyranical God like entity. In just a couple of chapters I feel a real empathy towards Kier. This is really very well written. I didn't spot any typos.
Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Cracking opening which sets the tone for a fabulous adventure. Kept a look out for nitpicks to help you out but honestly I haven't found any so far! Backed for being the sort of YA book that lots of OA (old adults) would read and love as well.

M&J
GRAEMOR

Quite intrigued by the premise. Found your work well written, with good characterization, fluid plot and a clear style, for me anyway. Not of the mind to look for typos, so didn’t. On the whole I really enjoyed this and thought it deserved backing.
It’s a novel every fantasy geek will love.

BACKED

A nice read. I have only just started to read it but will certainly be back for more. A much neglected era and topic.

This is my kind of book! In my opinion your first chapter is perfect, I loved the tone and characters, I was effortlessly transported back in time.

I like chapter 2 but it didn’t feel like I had gone into the future? The tone still evoked a feeling of the past for me.

Chapter 3 – I was excited to be in the past again!

I think you mean which instead of with in this sentence:
“He picked up a book of prayer copied by an unknown monk, with contained faults inside.”

Happy to shelve.

Melissa

'...when he stumbled on a loose rock and lost his footing.'

Maybe this is what they call telling instead of showing? I'm not sure, I struggle with it myself, but this particular sentence feels like it could relate more to what Kier thinks and feels about it. I probably make no sense and I can't tell you what to do about it, or even if you should, but I thought I would highlight it anyway. Good luck.

Andrew

I find your writing very good technically, and flows very nicely. It has a slightly mystical feel to it that sets the plot off well, giving it an impression of being from another time. I did find though that, on occasion, the story felt a little numb and anodyne. I think particularly action scenes, where perhaps the way you told the movements seemed a little too formal and list like. It wasn't a horrible experience, and it may just be my mood, but I shall give you an example. On the next comment cos my stupid work computer wont let me copy my own comment.

Anything to do with alchemy draws me right in and I loved your first chapter - one of my favourite time periods. Part of me rather hungered for you to stay there - I could feel and breathe it and was loathe to leave. But I can understand why your narrative wants you to push through time.
I'm afraid I can't offer any really helpful crit or advice on how to place the chapters. But I love your writing and think you're very skilled so I can certainly offer my backing.
Jane
(Walker)

Love this topic and can't wait to read it! I dabble in alchemy myself, so this subject matter intrigues me. On my watchlist and I will read it as soon as I can and then leave you a comment. Can't wait!

I enjoy works of this nature and as a History teacher love the past coming to life in novels. Well done, backed!

The Alchemist
Stuck with your chapter 1 and 2.....

The is beautifully written, I admire your descriptive eloquence.....It's very pictorial.....This helps the reader build a clear definition of each characters profile really quickly....

This genre isn't really my take, so maybe I'm out of line here.....But I didn't really cotton on to a cliff-hanger of anykind....It's a lovelly read, but agents usually ask for the first 3 chapters....That's about the size of your window of opportunity to get them hooked........I think this is great, I can tell by your pitch, that lots and lots is to come....But I think you need to bring some of the 'great bits' forward......(my view only).

Best of luck with this....shelved.

I've read your first three chapters. I particularly enjoyed the first and third chapters and wonder why you've split them. The second chapter is interesting but I don't see a definite connection or contrast to the first. How do the two sit in relation to each other? I will read the rest of your work because I find your ideas interesting so far. The structure is a little unclear at the moment. You're staying on my shelf for now.

Quenntis
Tales Tell Tales
Dancing with mini-shorts

Great story. Backed C.P

Engaging premise, unique style. The parallels are interesting to me, though some have found them confusing. Your MC is an easily likeable character, and I think the scene with the angel will hook readers. WL.

Your book's been on my watchlist for quite some time because of the YA group. Sorry time off delayed the read. Nicolas is a great protagonist. From the typical adolescent sibling angst to his talent as an artist, he is believable. YA students will identify with him. It's odd to hear a father suggest that reading is a bad thing, but perfect for the period and rank. Something tells me Nicolas will ignore it anyway.

The transition between chapter one & two is difficult, but that might well be an age thing. YA readers, that transition easily between text messaging while playing games and listening to tunes might well adapt faster than 'mature' readers, like me.

The pace seemed slowed by the short paragraphs, but that's personal preference. I'm grateful I had an opportunity to read this. Something tells me it will move up the charts quickly. Shelved.

I find very little to fault with this as far as the writing goes. There are a few repetitions. I’m not sure you need to have both Jean and the father snoring. And then, “Yet last night...” you use “yet” twice in that sentence.

The second chapter has a lot of passive voice in it. Beware of your was’s and were’s, became’s and that sort of thing.

I think at the moment what your story is lacking is a hook. I’m not sure which I would start with, the present or the past. I think it’s often easier to grab readers in the present, but your title and premise certainly give the impression that the past dominates. As far as the date, you might put the AG up front and then parenthesize the AD so that the reader has a reference. The hook. As I was saying, your book sort of starts off with a no action sequence. I mean, yeah, he’s sneaking out of bed, but for what? It doesn’t seem to have a purpose but to show us he has an affinity for the Arthurian legends and perhaps for books in general. And that he is going to be an illuminator, or scribe or whatever, but we learn this from his father. You might start there, with the interview, but give me a reason to read on. What is his quest? What is he looking for? How quickly can you set up some conflict, even if it’s not THE conflict? And it has to be one that makes us sit up and say, “Hey, I’ve got to see where this is going!” I’m not sure that the first paragraph in the beginning of the first chapter is a dream, but as the second chapter starts off as a dream, it too seems repetitive.

I hope some of this is helpful and in no way discouraging. Best to you! Val-Rae

The Alchemist's Apprentice...

A great premise, a really engaging MC, and a compelling story, despite the difficult technique you're using to tell it. It worked for me.

Do get rid of your adverbs (agents dislike them, with reason), and watch out for misplaced modifiers (see if you can find one in your opening paragraph...think "the man shot the elephant in his pyjamas"...you should see some of these beasties in mine...I think I've caught them all, however.)

This is sure to be a winner.

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (woud love your honest feedback now that I'm sooo close to the Editor's Desk. I want the novel to be the best it can be before it gets there.)

The Alchemist's Apprentice
the alchemist

This is the start of a really good fantasy. Not too sure about the alternate chapters, but I am sure you will sort that out. I read all the chapters and you seem to have a wonderful grasp of the 13th centaury. I assume that the other setting is in our future.
Only problem I had, was that you may be labouring too much on historical detail.
There were a few other nits, but I am sure you will pick them up as you edit.

If the fire had gone out, how can he light the twig?

Chapter 2.
Is he going to hit him with the whole tree? I am not being flippant, it would be clearer if you wrote, broken tree branch. – mind you, it is a dream. The change of time line is confusing when you mention 13th centaury Madonna. But hey, this is fantasy.

Chapter 3.
He slowed down and breathed a sign of relief. – did you mean sigh.

Happy to shelve,
D. Franklin Thomas – Troodo.
The Rose of Gildvadane.

THIS was the book I was looking for!
I've just backed 'never date your boss' but hey, what the heck.
This is much more my thing too. Nice one!
Just one chapter in and yes! Liking this. Backed and I'm reading on...
David
Green Ore

Hello The Alchemist,

For a start, I have to applaud you for taking on such an era and for the depth of your imagination.t is marvelous. It is written in an engaging and expressive manner that I find appealing . Your descriptions are rich, the characters are intuitively observed and the smooth flow of the story made it a compelling read. With a little bit of polishing, this full brilliance of this story will be glaring for all see. I like its potential. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Let me see...number two on my YA reading group list, ah, it's the alchemist herself!

Love the story as described in the pitch. Sounds very ambitious. I'm a big fan of stories about immortals because there's an inherent pathos in the idea: a soul who sees the rise and fall of civilisations, etc. (Note: nasty typo in the pitch - "...a 13-year-old orphan who is been initiated into the secrets of the elixir.")

The jump from chapter 1 to chapter 2 in Anno Goviz 230 isn't working for me at the moment. Not necessarily because it's a bad idea (running the stories from the future and past in parallel), but because, as the reader I have no idea that this is what is happening. I think it could be a really effective device in the storytelling, but only if it is made explicit - the reader is made fully aware somehow, as they move into chapter 2, that they are now in Nicolas's future, a future where he is a completely transformed character from the one we have been introduced to. That is an exciting idea that creates tension, why not exploit it? It would take some creative thinking to come up with an economical way of conveying it.

But...as I say, I haven't read that far, so I'm very much going off my very first impression.

Not convinced that Nicolas' father should be so wary of the dangers of reading. It just doesn't make sense (yet?). It felt to me like it was more important to you to show Nicols' father repressing him than maintain the integrity of his character. Can't he repress Nicolas without being such a contradiction: a master craftsman of bookmaking who believes books are dangerous and treachorous things?

I hope I'm not sounding too critical. I love the whole idea, think it could be really epic, ambitious and moving. Your writing is very good, the dialogue and description very effective.

My main concern is that you might ease the reader into the story too slowly. Some writers have genuinely big and wonderful ideas but keep putting them off to the next chapter, and then the next. Before you know it, all of the really juicy stuff has been pushed into the middle act, or even the last act.

Maybe you could do an excitement graph - plot the high points of excitement in your story and see if they are evenly distributed or if they don't kick in until a late chapter?

Hope some or any of this is helpful.

I like chapter 2 better in its forward year. I love the story and the father son relationship in chapter one is very well done. Shelved.

A highly polished and confident novel with an involving plot, great characters and quality dialogue. I was impressed with the different time zones and how well they hung together. Sometimes you can get involved in one strand of a story, and not so with another, but both these strands worked very well. This has obvious appeal to young adults with strong, interesting lead characters. Shelved.

The word Terrorist seems anachronistic. Other than tha I think this is a good story.
I will give it a turn on my shelf.

Hi, I'm part of the YA reading group.

I enjoyed your fist chapter and can't add anything different than what has already been said regarding edits/etc.

I like the tone and feel of the story so far, hope to read more when you decide where you are going to take it.

Best of luck,
Janet

I enjoyed reading this and will shelve it soon. I have only 2 things to point out: first, in the medieval parts, be sure to use speech that would have been used then (no contractions or slang, etc.). Also, I wonder if the flow of the story would improve if all of Nicholas' story was told and then fast forward to the AG years. My mind might just be tired, but I found it difficult to switch thoughts between the two time periods.

I found this book fascinating and certainly different. I thought Nicolas was particularly believable.- shelved.

There are places where your writing goes a little passive with an excess of was and were's. The beginning of ch2 and some of ch 3 could do with little tweaks here and there. For example (early para ch2) "The sun was shining and birds were flying in and out of the......." Might read better as, 'The sun shone and birds flew in and out of the...' But in the end this is a matter of choice.

Hope that helps

John

There are books I struggle to pay attention to, and there are books where every word jumps off the page and I see and I hear and I follow-effortlessly. You have accomplished the latter. Well done. I'll be back to read more. Shelved. Val-Rae

I like your opening line in the short prologue. Very interesting as well. You set up the story nicely with the boy sneaking down to read and then getting in trouble. The pacing is good. Your sense of description to get the feeling of the time period is very good. Your characters are interesting and believable.

Chapter 2. As far as the time it is up to you to keep it chronological to now. Maybe put the year of our new lord, and the new date. Might accomplish both. Good descriptions throughout. Your places, actions and thoughts are well played out and move fluidly. You also have the right mix of dialogue. I didn't feel the narrative dominated. I like the action at the end, keeps me reading more.

On the shelf! Good Job!

You have a great sense of period and atmosphere in the medieval sections, which leave the futuristic sections with a lot to live up to and they are in danger of falling short. Be careful to create a world that is as real to the reader as the medieval one. A great sense of adventure and Nicolas is an endearing, likeable character. Shelved for the medieval sections, but I'm keeping an open mind as to how the futuristic parts of the book will develop. An enjoyable read.

I like the idea of this book,
Its really cool, and you have a good way in telling the story

Good luck,
Kimmy

I've just added your book to my bookshelf. Good luck!
Erin Yes

Oooh, this is good. Why have I net read this before. I remember seeing the cover. Well, I committed to reading a slew off the YA list so here I am. Better late than never.
I like the feel of it. Nicholas reminds me of Garion in David Eddings books.
Interesting flip-flop between Nicholas, and then Kier and Korah. And then you do it again. Not sure I like it but I am ok with it right now.
Then back to Nicholas again. I like this. It is well written and has pulled me along for several chapters.
Don’t like the red arrow though, I will give it a deserved nudge.
Shelved.

~*~Gina
(Feeling Perfection)

Nicholas gathered up the hem of his nightshirt. He listened.
From the bed bedside him he could hear his brother Jean breathing steadily. Asleep.
He slipped a foot onto the cold floor and eased himself from under the covers.
The chest was a black shape in the dark. He waited for his eyes to adjust.
The lid of the chest creaked and he froze. Jean continued his ponderous breathing.
Nicholas reached into the bedding in the chest and groped around until he found the candle.
Got it!
He trod as silently as he could towards the door. A floorboard creaked and Jean coughed.
Nicholas waited, his heart like a drum. He wiped his sweaty palm on his night shirt.
Jean slept on.

There…I’ve removed all those annoying sub-clauses you insist on putting in and just got into Nicholas’s head. What do you think? I'm sure you can do better than my effort.

A very minor nit-pick, the chests or coffers of this age were almost hollowed out logs with iron banding therefore the lid would have been very heavy for a thirteen year old boy. Would it be more authentic to struggle with both hands and rest the lid against the wall to free his hands? Apart from that probably irrelevant thought, this is a masterly tale. Not my genre and I didnt expect to warm to it. Very well written and on my shelf. Patrick Barrett, (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I have to say that over all this is a story that shows a lot of promise and I can tell that it is one you are passionate about telling. You can write. You are great with dialogue and you have interesting characters.

Here are my notes as I was reading the first chapter. I hope that they help. I would like to come back when you've done some editing as I think with a bit of spit n' polish this'll be really compelling. Please take what I have written below with a grain of salt. If it makes sense and you think I have a point...great. If it doesn't, ignore my suggestions. In the end this is your story and you are the ultimate say so.

Best of luck to you.
Rachel May

Chapter 1

“He knelt and lifted the lid, supporting it with one hand while he searched among the bedding for the candle he had stolen and hidden inside a blanket.” Revise to: “He knelt and lifted the lid with one hand, searching among the bedding for the stolen candle he’d hidden inside the blanket.” Or something like that. I think this sentence is really long and I encourage you to find a way to break it up. There’s a lot of info in that one sentence. Play with the wording a bit and it’ll sparkle more.

I like the bit about feeling his way to his father’s workshop.

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of your sentences although grammatically correct seem to slow the narrative down. What helps me with pacing may not work for you, but here’s what I do. And it may help.

1) Print out your first chapter. Take a pen or pencil and at the start of every sentence draw a straight line through each word, it’ll be a continuous line through each sentence. From one beginning word of the sentence to the last word. Then start a new line with the next sentence. By doing this you will be able to clearly see where all your sentences are the same length and it will also clearly show you where the narrative may need a little massaging. Right now your images are really evocative and you can write. That much is obvious. It’s just that I found myself wanting to skim. And if this is geared towards young adults they need snappier narrative to keep their attention spans. At least, in my humble opinion---whatever that’s worth.

In another part of chapter 1 you say that a letter is illuminated. Now me, knowing about illuminated manuscripts I know what you are referring to. I wonder though at the young adult reader? So I question whether or not it would be wise to describe what the art looks like for the illuminated letter. Unless you meant that the letter on the page was actually glowing. See how this is a little confusing?

Also, (. . . ) Let’s talk about these lovely dots. Lovely dots in a manuscript means that words have been deleted. What you seem to be using the dots for is a pause. Like the character is thinking. For this to be truly effective and for me not to think that you’ve deleted words, I’d use an emm dash. By using an emm dash you’ll pull out the words –– consider it –– giving them more weight in the readers mind.

Your use of dialogue is great at helping me to get into the story and to understand the characters. So well done there.

I will admit, this is not my usual read, however I found your writing to flow very well and nothing stood out to me. I felt the atmosphere and I liked the references to the small details such as crumbs and candles etc. You are clearly a talented writer.

I am sure this will appeal to readeers of this genre and I wish you all the very best of luck.

Kat

That's really good. I'm short of time, so have only read the first two chapters. I wondered if swapping the order might give you more of a dynamic start. If you're going to run them in parallel, that would give you a bigger bang at the beginning.

Beyond that, I particularly like the atmosphere and detail in the French chapter. That seemed to be lacking a bit in the second one - Kier's world seemed less detailed to me so, even though I found it more intriguing, it seemed to have less depth; it was less convincingly real. I wasn't sure whether to picture some Stargate-type semi-Pharonic scene (I think the names put those images in my head), something more Victorian-gothic or something very much more modern. I guess that with less of an easily identifiable/referenced historical setting some description to ground the action in would help.

I was surprised how consistent the dialogue was between the two worlds. Either set of characters could have had either sets of conversations. I wondered if some careful tinkering with the language structures or even some carefully judged colloquialisms in one set would help further define the differences between the two worlds.

But overall, nice pace, nice feel - particularly in the French section - and a really intriguing premise. WL for now and I'll read more when I have time.

I like your synopsis and think it could be a very interesting book. However, I had trouble with the changes between time periods from chapter to chapter. Is there some way you could signal that, with a transition at the start of the first time change - a line or two that basically says, And now we are going to another time and place? Perhaps a line from the mysterious manuscript? Others have suggested you spend more time with Nicolas before going to Kier. That could also work.

As far as writing, I have only a few things to say. Usually the writing is clear and straightforward but almost sounds like someone is reciting it as rote. The writing is very careful, as if treading on eggshells. Be more brave! Show more emotion, loosen up here and there and give the reader more detail. You often end dialogue with "said Anne," and "remarked so and so," etc. This makes the scene more passive. It will come across with more punch if you write, "Anne said," and "Goviz explained." By the way, who is Anne? Is she a servant or a family member? The sentence that includes "Kier was left alone" is an example of one of many passages that are too passive. Inject emotion by saying something like: All the counselors left the crypt. Kier trembled, alone with only a single candle. . .

I wish you luck with this story. You're on my watchlist.

Reporting in for the YA group. I’ve read through the first four chapters and I find the story quite interesting. I thought it would bug me how you ping back and forth between the past and present, but looking ahead a bit, it seems you’re consistent with it. I have to admit liking Kier’s tale better so far, but I’ve read so little, it’s hard to form a concrete opinion. I’ve got nothing to offer editing-wise. Clearly, this is a MS that’s had some work put into it.

Well done. ~Steve

I like the general story line, but there are some issues with the text that I found rather distracting.

Feels like the details of what's happening in the story overshadow the story itself in the first chapter. Try folding the details into the story line, as opposed to handing out descriptive text gratuitously.

In your description of the angels, you wrote that the angel spoke harmoniously. What was the angel harmonizing with? Were there other angels?

It seemed that at the beginning the angel gave the book to Nicholas, then later in chapter one, his brother tells him his father is giving the book back to the prior?

Nicholas' father telling him to consider becoming a scribe, the then telling him that too much thinking will be his ruination, confused me? And what do the letters MA mean? (Master Apprentice?)

I think I agree with Tim's comment about not starting the second story line so soon.

This is a good story to develop. I know what you mean in your bio about never being satisfied with you text. My wife often gets that "are you still writing" look on her face, when she knows I've finished writting the text. Keep at it though, you have an imaginative mind.

tyler

You develop both worlds equally well. I appreciate the tenderness the alchemist has for books, and his ability to create worlds within them. I also appreciated the suspense surrounding Kier. Switching from gentle to thrilling was effective. I placed you on my shelf and wish you success. Janet Marie

I'm part of the YA group.
I really liked your story. The opening part was good, really draws you in and I guess kinda sets you up for the rest of it (only got to chapter one.) I liked the description and stuff, there were a few words that were unfamiliar to me, different time period and all, but I do like the different time period thing, I like learning about that stuff when I read. It will be interesting to see how the story progresses. Good luck with this.

Oni