The Unfathomers or The Strange Days of Sherman Nixon

In terms of editing, there are some clear-cut "you could simplify this" sentences. Whether you want to is another question. I remember there being some oblique (literally) Orwellian impulse in me to simplify prose, during the endless editing in my last novel. I'm inclined to believe if I have any success, it's specifically those editing skills...scanning and reworking sentences hundreds of times, that'll be most useful. While there's some truth to people being able to pick up pens at 40 and write something brilliantly, I don't think the discipline comes naturally to people, hence the profusion of insipidity, and the rareness of great material. There's no conspiracy against talent, there's a natural, organic aversion to slush, because it's really, really awful.

I think you have to make the determination, you know, "what does this sentence DO here?" If it's verbose and amusing and fun, if that's its function, well maybe leave it. My perspective was sometimes I'm conveying information fast, otherwise it's art, otherwise it's gone entirely.

I read many Bertrand Russell and George Orwell essays from the 30s (despite being American), and they're very self-conscious about always conveying things as plainly as possible. I don't know how it works for fiction (Orwell's novels were arguably artless, too), but something of that seeped into my writing brain.

I read up to the train scene in chapter 2. That particular scene read perhaps slightly too intensely-described for what it was. There are paragraphs here and there where maybe language doesn't dazzle, and the linguistic dexterity feels more hollow exercise than totally excellent. Not big problems, though, basically editing minutia, or even an actual editor's problem. It's pretty far along, though.

You probably could kill Mr. God-narrator. This sounds like what a stupid MFA-type might suggest, but I don't know if it's doing enough, for what it is, to justify its existence. I'm not trying to make it boring...but I just don't see what its purpose is, and its initial impression on me, as I said, was mostly negative, while your "scene prose" is immediately strong.

I'm not sure where the novel is going--there could be "problems" there, insofar as the material not maintaining interest, but I don't know. I think it's quite strong already, but then depending on your hopes and dreams, you have the "market" (look around this site), which is a scary thing. This might be publishable now, but would it detonate on arrival to shelves? I'm trying to think like a literary agent...I might ask to see this, but then I'd want to know it wasn't going to be just you improvising with language, maybe the plot sputtering, or never quite coming-into-being.

Although I don't think the "genre" this's in does much with sentiment or character/plot-arcs releasing power...it's jokes, wit, rhetorical virtuosity, cleverness, misanthropy and thought...in the narrator's words or the characters'.

My impression from reading 1,000 words of this:

Write another book. You seem close to that Will Self, Martin Amis kind of "godlike" hateful, misanthropic narration, but it's somewhat lacking in pitch-perfection.

Some of the sentences feel more opaque than virtuosic (virtuosity must exceed opacity by 2X). I might ditch the very first bit, with the actual self-identifying godlike narrator, too--it rubbed me the wrong way, probably because it reminded me of my younger self, and there's nobody I hate more. Barring myself now.

If you want to use that device, just do it without introduction? The cretin misidentifying the postman as a soldier's ghost could be funny, but being funny in an arch-British hateful way is a real tightrope proposition.

Evaluating 1,000 words of something is always idiotic, though. I really believe that. This could be brilliant. But then publisher selection and even the public's buying of books must be pretty idiotic. No question this site is idiotic.

But were this brilliant in the main...in terms of me publishing this, had I been competent in life, and thence a bona fide literary professional scanning slush, I'd see too many "amateur artifacts" in the opening that'd throw me off. I think most slush-scanning operations in publishing boil down to "scanning for amateur artifacts," but what I'm calling "amateur artifacts" might, in fact, be a bold new style. Hence my worthless claim to objectivity and subjectivity here. I've certainly spent more time writing this than reading your book, which is insulting in itself.

An intelligent, captivating story. Colorful, complex characters. Realistic banter. Excellent sense of place. Thought provoking narrative. Inventive plot. Brilliant wit. Surefooted, accomplished writing. An impressive read. Backed.

hullo again Gareth. another look at another book. great story. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I liked your pitch so I backed your book - perhaps you could have a look at my books - goodluck!

I really like your use of God throughout your story. Brilliantly done - it is unique and refreshing offering deep insights laced with sarcasim and dry whit. This alone makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Great read! After a number of good to so-so books, it's nice to come across a real gem.

Lockjaw

Hi Gareth

I like the contrast between the over-engineered prose of Sherman's inner thoughts and the uber-crassness of the reality around him. I'm not entirely convinced by the God interpolations and wonder if you would lose anything by dropping them. Overall, this is an ambitious impressive piece of work. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

This book just shines with intelligence and talent!

I love the opening, your introduction of God, and then Sherman. This is certainly one of the most original works on this site!

My complements on your sharp, sharp mind, superb writing skills, and huge talent.

Wow!

Backed with utmost pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

BACKED. I am off for the night but I am building my shelf for comments tomorrow. Cheers.

This work is very descriptive and uses an obviously extensive vocabulary to bring across points. I have to applaud a writer with such skill. I myself have a very limited vocabulary so my writing is very basic and would be unable to bring these words together. Does it work? I have to say yes because it sounds right and flows. I did finish the first story and enjoyed it, although I admit I needed to revert to my dictionary to look up a few words.
Backed for the obvious writing skills.
Plagarma

This is an unusual start and, to be frank, I'd have to read a lot more to make any comment of value. So, since I can't at the moment, I'll just back it for now and see how it goes.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

there's quite a lot which is funny even though it's bitty. I am not sure where it's going and whether the comment on the author is going to be repeated at intervals. That's quite amusing and certainly different but of course takes the focus of the development of characters and action.

In ix I think you've omitted 'why' in the sentence 'tolerated by her friends'

Backed

Lara
Good for Him

Hi Gareth
Your writing is superbly eloquent yet down to earth and gritty at the same time. I loved Sherman and found him greatly compelling. Great stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This is highly original, shining with intelligence and curiously addictive.

It's not often I find prose that has me reaching for the dictionary quite as often as this but with the exception of "augerance" in section III (which I'm not sure actually exists - did you mean augUr), I have to admit that most of your more obscure word choices fit the mood and context remarkably well.

I'm not sure what it is, upon reaching one's 4th decade that makes characters like Sherman (inspired by rhyming slang by any chance?) seem so fascinating but they do and you capture this familiar misanthropic middle-aged grumpiness very well.

I shall be back for more instalments of this as time permits.

Simon, CONNECTED

I've been dipping into this over the last week or so and have to say I enjoy your writing a lot. It's exuberant and over-the-top but really huge fun. At first I did feel your hyperbole leached into overwriting but then, as I went on, I realised it was just part of your style and doubtless tongue-in-cheek. Have to like a book with an MC called Sherman - we know one, named after the tank. Have to love a book where God (or whatever) butts in every so often. Backed.

The Unfathomers or the Strange Days of Sherman Nixon. Hi Gareth, An immediatetly engaging pitch that drew me towards your novel like the force of a magnet. Such an easy style. Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

A strong pitch and a taut and well written first chapter. This is on my bookshelf for a further reading. Congratulations on super work!

Paul

Hi Gareth,
Having read your pitch, I can see that your work is of the highest order. I have backed your book on the strength of your pitch. When time permits, I will return to post a further comment.
I wish you all the success in the world
Helen

Hi Gareth,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

I like your style - 'History allied itself with common sense.' And looking at the comment below... I really like 'embark upon the pestering...' - what is language for if not to play with it?

Hi gareth -- just a quickie,

"Bewildered, he returns home only to embark upon the pestering and sinister visits of a strange man called Frank, who at first claims to be his Uncle."

He doesn't embark upon pestering! He is visited by the old man. Wrong use of the word embark (to go on board a ship, or to start).

Hope that's helpful,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

The prose is a mixture of poetry and hyperbole. Could you not replace such words as'perambulations' with something simpler? no doubting your talent though. brilliant. backed. lynn

Hi gareth,
thanks for backing my book.
I enjoyed yours as much as the first snow on my tongue.
a canadian zoomer

The Unfathomers or The Strange Days of Sherman Nixon
Gareth Davis

These are unusual short/long pitches - by this I mean an unusual story - unique it seems, and I've backed it for its originality firstly, and secondly, I thought the storytelling witty and funny which planted more than many smiles on my face. Sherman is simply a memorable character and while I didn't have time to read your full upload, I certainly plan to read more as time permits. Thanks for sharing this and I hope to see this in the bookshops one day - soon. All the best in finding a publisher Gareth.
Zan

Dear Gareth, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up. Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :)
Love, Susie :)

Dear Gareth, I just read your other book. I'm commenting/backing both. :) Good dialogue/paragraphing. :)
Please back my 2 books. :) Thanks, Susie :)

beautiful portrayal and effortless style which is so hard to find
Backed
Andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

THE UNFATHOMERS:

Gareth,

An intriguing premise, and a pitch that promises plenty of drama. I like the short paragraphs. And your dialogue is excellent. Crisp and very realistic, with just the right touch of dialect which makes it jump off the page. But I found that this excellent dialogue didn't quite match the voice of the narrator, which tends to be rather old-fashioned sounding, and in a few places a bit over-written. You are a very good writer, but you could be just as lyrical with fewer words. This applies particularly to chapter one. In subsequent chapters the writing is more relaxed and easier to read. Reading it aloud to yourself would soon point out to you where the rhythm of your prose is impeded.

This novel has great potential, and I have great pleasure in backing it, and wishing you the success you deserve.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Didnt know what to expect and then read a bit more and still didnt know. Still dont but have to find out. Well done, your stream of conscious flow has me caught. Backed
Michheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

Your portrayals of Sherman and his neighbor sells this book. You have captured the dialogue perfectly and the story lives up to its premise. I really enjoyed this most well written tale. Some idea of place and time (I think) might add a little insightful touch.

backed three days ago

The Lord of the Dawn

In Sherman Nixon you have a finely honed character. He is just the sort of curmudgeon which I love to see piqued
The style of your writing is perfect for the nature of the story. You do well to show his inner rage and the aching bladder was a nice touch to perfectly show that his inner stress is venting itself anyway it can.
Excellent character study, Backed.
David
Bailey of the Saints

I backed this book due to the writers imagination and writing style. Its an interesting read. I am about 5 chaps thru and enjoying the humor.

Hi Gareth, The style resounds and Sherman’s issues with Lisa and Frank somehow don’t meld with his mood. This is amusing and Sherman’s POV has language and ideas that tend away from his irritants. I enjoyed the flow of his thought and wondered at the effect of the zero on his future. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is an enjoyable read. Like the accent in dialogue. You have some pretty long paragraphs you might think about breaking into smaller ones. That doesn't change the story any but "white space" gives the impression a story will be an easy, not an intensive read. And this is an easy read. So promote that. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Unique premis. there is a lot going on here and the reader is skilfully entertained. I'm sure this will do well for you I wish you luck with it.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Gareth, a most entertaining and unusual story with far more going on than appears apparent at first glance. The pitches are certainly intriguing, although I wonder if your second usage of 'misanthropy' has the effect of diminishing its effectiveness.
You have a clear ability to write realistic and believable dialogue and also develop your characters with assurance. My only caveat would be with the length of some paragraphs - bordering on excessive and hampering the natural flow of the narrative for a reader. Easily remedied.
This is high quality writing, involving a skilful examination of alcoholism and philosophy inside an apparently simplistic framework, very clever and very intriguing. Backed.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Dear Gareth Davis,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I like how the apartment-complex gossip believes the postman is a ghost, on account of him not being jolly. Sherman’s isolation and uninspired living conditions at age forty create sympathy. The insinuating that Lisa is his misses gives him heroic strength to oust the interloper, who mysteriously appeared in his bathroom. Dirty laundry housed in a wholesale mayo tub is revolting, creating a great deal of sympathy. I laughed at “ride her like an Indian elephant”. A good description of the gnomish Uncle Frank. I chuckled at “The man had been a scoundrel, but the ghost improved with age”. I like your association of “steady lunacy” throughout the month. Good characterization for his lover. I loved “she’d never several guesses as to the national currency”. Haunted paint is a fun idea.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more gripping by ending each section with a nudge or reminder why the reader should continue reading. Currently, you end each section on a high or resonate note. However, hooks would better serve to keep the reader turning pages.

This matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed, and best wishes.

Such a unique premise and quite an incrdeible imagination with a gift for putting it into words! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This is different from the others books I have read. When my husband says " Good" it must very good book. I am happy to back your book. A look at Bamboo Promise would be greatly appreciated.

Great character building and your writing flows very well, I don't read much literary fiction but didn't feel bogged down by this at all.

Happily shelved

Melxx

Happy to back this.

- Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

This was very different. Sometimes I have a hard time following something that is labeled literary fiction but I really enjoyed reading this. The narrative voice is great, very unique. All in all I found it very interesting. Not sure if I am the best commenter on this kind of book but what I did read was good.

Missy

There seems to be an affected nature to the writing -- makes me feel like I'm reading Dostoevsky, yet I know I'm not, which then makes me wonder whether this style is intentional or not. If this was in the first person, I might think it was, and that it was the quirky, convoluted voice of the narrator -- but since it's in the third person, it comes off sounding old-fashioned and clunky, and I'm left wondering why I have to work so hard to understand what you are saying. That's a problem, as a reader.

I think it would help if you cut up your paragraph blocks and did some re-writes to clarify some of your language -- either that or make the language style part of a more present narrative voice liked to a specific characters thoughts. -- and then give us a reason why he thinks this way. I think you have potential, though, if you've made me write this much! Good luck!

I read the protracted first chapter. Good writing. I can see it is literary, but you may wanna scale down the longer paragraphs - kills the pacing and interest for those of us with A.D.D. But I do love your pitches, both of them. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

This is a very original, unusual book. Your characters are all idiosyncratic and amusing, and you draw them in the sort of detail which brings them vividly to life. Sherman, in particular, is a very realistic character, an individual who we feel we know well because you write from his point of view, and we hear his thoughts as well as his speech. Lisa and Frank we see through his eyes, but you have given each of them a voice which is immediately real. This is a very entertaining book, and your style, deliberately elaborate and satirical, is nevertheless very readable. You give us some fine descriptions; and Lisa's idea that the postman is a ghost, and that there are dead souls in the tin of paint she's bought, are both original and hilarious. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Backed with pleasure! Joss Morris (A Bore No More)

Your control of the language is phenomenal.

Backing

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes