Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 24514
date submitted 05.03.2010
date updated 10.08.2010
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Relic

A.B. Knight

Everyone knows the rule: stay inside the Wall, but to sixteen-year-old Tisha Tremayne, the city of Relic isn't a sanctuary. It's a prison.

 

Tisha does not believe the Realm Riders' stories about the monsters that lurk beyond the city. Every day she looks at the steep, towering wall that surrounds the city of Relic, and she swears she will find out what lies on the other side.

She never stopped to think that she might see too much.

When her father is taken by inhuman attackers, Tisha realises the worlds beyond the Wall are more dangerous than anyone imagined. With the help of the Realm Riders, including her best friend Cayle and the charismatic Falco, she sets out to unravel the mysteries surrounding Relic and return her father to her side.
 
Complete manuscript approx. 96,000 words. First five chapters uploaded to Authonomy.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

action, adventure, battles, demons, dragons, evil, fantasy, good, heroine, knights, magic, realms, relic, swords, teen, young adult

on 429 watchlists

843 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Chapter One

Tisha splashed through the puddles that dappled Relic's streets. She could feel the cobbles through the thin soles of her boots, and water drenched the hem of her maid's uniform. With a hiss, she lifted the skirt until it almost reached her knees and raced onwards. She was never late to meet her father, not if she could help it.

'Hey, watch it!’

Tisha looked up at the innkeeper's cry, skidding to a halt as a barrel bounced across the road. She smothered a smile as she watched two young men chase after the runaway ale. It was always chaos at the end of the night shift, and every morning Tisha raced through the crowd as she headed towards the Wall.

With a brief wave to the innkeeper, she broke into a sprint once more, laughing as his exasperated curse reached her ears. The air smelled of mist and horses, and men shouted when Tisha wove between the wagons, barely avoiding the back of someone’s swiping hand as she charged past.

Ahead of her, the long line of the Wall loomed like a mountain range. The gargantuan barrier encircled the city, locking it in a prison of unyielding stone. No one knew how old it was, or who had built it. The Wall had always been there – always. Even the earliest maps of the city, so old they were kept behind glass, showed the thick, smooth line that kept Relic safe from whatever lay on the other side.

Tisha thought it was ugly. Black slabs of rock made up the steep, inner face, and the only two gates were carved from wood so old it had turned as dark as the stone around it. Sixteen towers, each manned by Watchers, punctuated its length. The whole thing was too high to climb, and anyone who tried to get through or over without a permit would find themselves with an arrow in their back.

Everyone knew the rule: Stay inside the Wall.

Most people treated it with suspicion and fear, saying it protected them from the world beyond, but how did they know? No one was allowed through the gates except the Realm Riders, and the rumours those chosen few brought back with them were all the same: desolation, destruction and, lurking in the mountains and on the plains, monsters that could tear a man in two.

Tisha rolled her eyes, dragging in a ragged breath of exasperation. As if they would say anything else! Realm Riders were Relic's foragers, explorers and adventurers. They would never admit the world outside was anything but dangerous. Where would be the glory in that? Worse, everyone believed their stories – everyone except Tisha.

Years ago, she had listened to her mother's tales about the land beyond Relic. Those soft words of dark forests and lush grass-land were a far cry from the doom-laden rumours on the streets. Perhaps her mother had been telling Tisha what she wanted to hear, but it was those stories that ignited her determination. Tisha had promised herself that one day she would find out the truth about what lay on the other side of the Wall.

Crossing the street, Tisha turned the corner into a narrow courtyard and slowed to a walk. The guards in the twelfth tower were twitchy at the best of times, and someone running towards them would result in shouting and confusion. Besides, she did not want her father to give her that disappointed look for causing trouble with his friends again.

She tugged the white cap off her head and shoved it into her pocket, scowling in annoyance as her finger poked through a hole. Her father was always teasing her about that: sixteen and still unable to sew, but she had better things to do with her time.

Tisha's braid was coming out of its pins, but she ignored the brown tendrils tickling her cheeks as she lifted her hand to her face. Her fingertips brushed against the sleek material of the patch covering her eye, and she scratched absently where it bit into her cheek. The stupid thing always itched, no matter what side of her face she wore it, but life was easier if Tisha kept one eye hidden. Her father might not care, but the other Watchers would, and so would almost everyone else who saw what was hidden beneath the black fabric.

Superstitious idiots.

Her boots scuffed against the cracked cobbles as she ambled towards the tower. Normally, the courtyard was bustling at the end of the shift, but today it was silent. The armourer’s anvil stood by the glowing forge, but there was no sign of any Watchers, not even her father.

A thrill of excitement ran down Tisha’s spine as she stared at the tower, noticing the door stood ajar. Since her mother's death, she had redoubled her efforts to see beyond the Wall, and this opportunity looked like a gift from the gods.

Tisha hesitated. It had not been more than a week since one of the Watchers had caught her lying on her belly and trying to peer through a low crack in the Wall's stonework. Her father had been furious, and the memory of his cool words was enough to make her think twice. Yet how could she let go of this chance? As long as she was not caught, then her father need never know what she had done.

Squaring her shoulders, Tisha glanced around, checking the coast was clear before she inched towards the door. The hinges shrieked out a warning as she pushed it aside, and she froze on the threshold, breath held as she waited for someone to yell at her.

Inside, the tower was almost pitch-black. The only noise was the steady gutter and crackle of the Everflame in its bracket on the wall. Creating a brazier that could not be extinguished by accident was pretty basic magecraft, but the sight of it set Tisha’s teeth on edge. The fire burned an eerie green, and Tisha’s mouth twisted in distaste at the smell of magic in the air.

Edging forward, she stared around, taking in the strange surroundings. The tower was made from the same black stone as the Wall, and it seemed to suck the feeble light out of the air. The shadows were as thick as shrouds, and Tisha bit back a curse as she stubbed her toe on what felt like a flight of steps.

After a moment, she began to climb, trying to stay quiet as she stumbled and tripped in the gloom. The darkness was growing thicker, pressing down on her eye and clawing at her skin. Her breath rasped between her lips, and sickness clenched at her stomach.

Tisha sank to her knees, not caring that the edges of the stairs bit into her body as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to the cold stone. The air felt as if it were crushing her, and she shivered fitfully as she tried not to panic. If she retreated, she would probably trip and fall in the dark, but the thought of advancing higher made her heart clench.

Magic,’ Tisha spat to herself, knowing this experience must be a spell to keep out intruders. 'Bloody magic!’ Gritting her teeth, Tisha reached out, scraping her fingers along the edge of one step, then the next. If she had to crawl, then so be it, but she would not give up when she was so close!

Finally, she felt a plateau, and an emerald light pricked at her eyes. Another Everflame winked at her, and she let out a groan of relief. Her body was slicked with sweat, sticking her dress to her back as her hair clung to her face and neck, but she had made it.

The sound of nearby laughter made Tisha lurch to her feet. She swayed and reached out a hand to stop herself from falling flat on her face. A closed door dented the wall a few strides ahead of her. Bright, amber light streamed out from around its edge, and she could hear the familiar voices of her father and the other Watchers.

Sucking in a deep breath, Tisha crept past and eased the Everflame out of its bracket. The green glow burned brighter at her touch, and she held it as far away from her body as she could. She did not know how much further she would have to go, but she was not about to make the same mistake twice. This time she would take the light with her.

Turning the tight corner of the tower, she squared her shoulders as she was faced with another set of stairs twisting up and out of sight. Tisha came to a halt and gave them a calculating glare before taking two steps back and breaking into a run. The flame in her hand streamed like a banner, but it did not die as she raced upwards.

The ascent seemed to go on forever, and all the while she could feel the shadows snapping at her heels. More than once she almost tripped, and the echo of her boots thundered in her ears. She would bet anything the Watchers had heard her by now, but she had a head start. She only needed a few seconds, enough for one peek, that was all.

Her breath caught as the top came into view. There, in the wall opposite her, was a pair of closed shutters. They were unremarkable, but Tisha’s imagination burst with possibilities. She looked neither left nor right along the narrow hallway as she closed the distance, reaching out to grasp the handle as her heart pounded in her throat.

Oh no you don’t.’

A hand shot out from her right, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back. Tisha jumped, dropping the Everflame and whirling around to face the stranger. She had been so distracted that she had not noticed him standing in the gloom, and now she snarled in anger at his interference.

Let go of me!’ Tisha ordered, leaning her weight back as she tried to pull out of his grip.

No. You shouldn’t be here, and you definitely shouldn’t be looking out there.’ He jerked his head towards the window, and Tisha’s heart stuttered in disappointment. She had been so close!

She scowled at him, casting a meaningful look up and down as she took in his appearance. Dark hair kept falling into his hazel eyes and stubble shadowed his jaw. He was closer to eighteen than Tisha, and judging from the faint scar on his cheek, he had put his years to use as a fighter.

Dropping her gaze to his clothes, she smirked. ‘You’re not a Watcher. No armour. You’re not even wearing a sword! You’ve got no more right to be here than I have!’

Going to tell on me?’ he asked, stepping further into the light with one eyebrow lifted in a dare. His grin flashed white in the dark as she continued to scowl at him, weighing her options. ‘Thought not. Now, will you come quietly, or would you prefer to make a scene?’

Tisha smothered a smile of her own. He thought she was some meek thing that would obey without question, and she was happy to let him hang on to that impression. Letting her shoulders slump in defeat, she ducked her head and stepped forward, all modesty and obedience.

The stranger relaxed, and in a split second, she lashed out with her booted foot, catching him in the knee. It was hard enough to make the joint give, and Tisha yanked her wrist free as she darted away, confident he would be down long enough for her to escape.

Before she had gone more than three steps, strong arms wrapped around her waist, hauling her back. Tisha squeaked in shock as she was thrown over the young man's shoulder like a sack of flour. The air left her chest in a rush, and she gasped in a breath as humiliation washed over her.

Let me go!’ Tisha yelled, whacking his back with her fists and trying to kick him in the stomach. All she got for her efforts was a warning jolt, and the stone floor swayed as her captor began to walk down the steps. ‘My dad will kill you,’ she promised, smacking her palm into the small of his back and hearing a satisfying grunt of pain. ‘He’ll cut you into little bits unless I get the chance first you – you – ’

My name's Falco,' he offered, ignoring her spluttering, 'and I would love to see you try and do me any harm. You don’t look strong enough to hold up a sword, let alone use one.’ They stopped at the door that Tisha had passed a few minutes before, and a rich laugh escaped his throat as she hissed rude words behind his back. ‘Your tongue’s sharp enough, though. Didn’t your father teach you better than that?’

I certainly did.’

Tisha froze at the sound of her father’s voice. The close walls of the tower made his words deeper and more ominous than usual. She knew without looking that his beard would be bristling, and his shaggy eyebrows would be drawn down over his bright blue eyes. ‘Dad, I can explain…’

I’m sure you can,’ he replied, ‘and it would probably make an interesting bedtime story, but right now I want the truth.’ He sounded weary, and Tisha bit her lip. Arguments like this had passed between them so many times over the years, and she knew it would not end well.

'She's all yours.' The boy hefted her down to the floor with a grunt, and Tisha shot him a poisonous glare as he stepped back, leaning against the wall to watch the show. That grin flashed across his face again, and Tisha barely resisted the urge to punch him in the nose.

'I wanted to see,' she said at last. 'The door was open, and I thought I could take a look at the other side.' She clenched her jaw, folding her arms and glaring at the scuffed toes of her boots. 'I'd have been back before you even realised if it wasn't for him.'

'Tisha, how can you be so shameless?' It would have been better if he had shouted, but her father kept his voice low, and disappointment turned his words to lead. 'You know you are not allowed in here.'

'Neither is he,' Tisha retorted, waving a hand at Falco. 'He's not a Watcher, but no one's yelling at him!'

'Realm Riders can go where they please. Kitchen maids cannot.' Her father stepped forward, stooping so he was on her level as he placed a hand on her shoulder. 'You should be grateful it was Sergeant Falco who found you, rather than someone less forgiving.' He shook his head. 'I thought you knew better than this.'

Tisha shoved her hands in her pockets. She wanted this to be over. She wanted to be away from the staring eyes of the Watchers and the laughing gaze of the Realm Rider, who stood there smirking at her suffering. Her fingers tightened into fists, and she bowed her head, trying to sound repentant as she whispered, 'I'm sorry, Dad.'

'No you're not. You're sorry you got caught.' He took a step forward, his armour clanking as he grasped her chin, lifting her head up and reaching out to tug the eyepatch free. He always did that during an argument, as if he thought he could read the truth better from both eyes, rather than just one, and Tisha screwed up her face as she heard the other Watchers scramble to get out of her line of sight.

'Curse it, Mattias, don't do that!' one of the Watchers snapped, shielding his face with his hand as Tisha glanced his way. 'You know it makes folk uncomfortable.'

'Grow up, Giles,' her father said, pocketing the patch.

'Yeah, Giles,' Tisha muttered, scowling at the cringing man. A half-smothered laugh from the Realm Rider reached her ears, but she ignored it. He would stop laughing once he saw what the patch had hidden.

'That's enough, young lady,' her father growled. 'This game of yours has got to stop. Every night I look out there and see the world with my own eyes, Tisha. I swear to you nothing good lies beyond these stones. How many times do I have to tell you that before you'll believe me?'

'It's not that! I just think –'

Tisha stopped as a strange sound like the steady tolling of a massive bell began to resonate through the air. It shimmered over the walls and the stone beneath her feet trembled in response. The air thickened with the overpowering stench of magic, and Tisha recoiled in disgust, holding her nose as she tried to step away. 'What's happening?'

The Watchers stared at her in bafflement, but the distant shriek of a trumpet cut off their questions. They looked at one another as the frantic note repeated itself over again, and it was not until someone shouted up from the stairs that they leapt into action.

'We're under attack. Up top, now!'

'What?' Giles exclaimed, jumping to his feet as the other Watchers lunged for their swords and shields. 'That can't be right! What's ?' The rest of his sentence was lost in the chaos as more soldiers rushed past, calling out panicked orders.

'Tisha, go home!' Her father shouted, jabbing his finger down the stairs and shoving her in that direction. 'Get out of the tower and away from the Wall; do I make myself clear?'

'Wait, what's going on? Who's attacking us?' Tisha yelled, her voice lifting in panic as her father darted out of sight with the other Watchers and the Realm Rider in tow. 'Dad?'

Something smashed into the rock overhead, making the whole Wall shake. Tisha went sprawling, scraping her palms on the floor and knocking the breath from her lungs. Dust and rubble rattled down from the ceiling, and she rolled on her back to see cracks zigzagging over the dark surface.

People yelled in confusion as they grappled with whatever they found at the Wall's summit. Distant alarms rang out across the city, and Tisha's throat tightened with terror. She had never heard of anything trying to attack Relic before. Citizens were told of the dangers out there, but everyone said the Wall kept threats at bay. The Watchers were a precaution against an attack that never came, and their job was more to keep people in than to fight off invaders.

Now it sounded like war had broken out up on the battlements. There were cries of pain, and Tisha thought of her father trying to fight. He was all she had left. What if something happened to him?

A gasp escaped her lips as the Wall shook again, and she curled her bloody hands into fists as she tried to gather up her courage. Every instinct in her body screamed at her to run home and hide, but she could not stand the thought of sitting there alone to wait for news. She had done that once before, and her patience and fear had brought nothing but pain. This time, she had to help.

Tisha pushed herself to her feet and darted towards the room where the Watchers had been sitting. She needed a weapon; fighting with her bare hands would get her nowhere. A sword lay by the fire. Its blade was nicked and battered, but it was better than nothing. Scooping it up, Tisha cursed as her muscles shook from the strain. She had seen her father lift weapons like this as if they were toothpicks, but the solid weight threatened to pull her arm from its socket.

Letting it fall to the floor, she hunted around for something else, rummaging through paper and overturning chairs in her haste. After what felt like hours, she found a dagger, still long enough to cause serious harm but light enough for her to use.

Tisha hefted it in her right hand, swallowing nervously before she scurried towards the door. She had no time to find armour or a shield. All she could do was square her shoulders before launching herself on the long charge towards the top of the tower.

Magic swirled around her like invisible oil, slicking her skin with its touch. Maybe the Watchers were using spells, or perhaps they were coming out of the Wall itself, but either way, the power dragged at Tisha like an anchor tied around her waist, slowing her down. By the time she got to the top her legs were burning, but she did not have time to stop. The door to the battlements stood ajar, and Tisha heaved it aside before rushing through, ducking as a rusty blade swung at her head. Her boots caught on the uneven stone, and she stumbled back, staring in horror at the man who had attacked her.

Tisha's hair covered one side of her face, but she could still see enough of him to know he was dangerous. His helmet encased his head and was carved with writhing lines where a face should be. His armour was black, and the dim morning light flashed like fire across its surface as he hefted his sword again, bringing it above his head to cleave her in two. The soldier did not speak; he lashed out as if she were nothing more than a bug to be crushed.

With a great roar, something dove between them, gleaming weapon raised to parry the blow. Her father's face was a picture of fury, eyes wide and bearded cheeks flushed. His boots scuffed on the rock as he was almost driven to his knees, but he held his own, throwing his weight forward and breaking the deadlock.

In a flurry of strikes, her father drove the attacker back, pushing him towards the edge of the Wall. With one last heave, he whacked the invader's chest with the flat of his sword, sending him staggering between the teeth of the crenelations and out into empty air, where he vanished. Tisha blinked, and her father swore, spitting a string of baffled words that he would normally never say within her earshot.

Another wave of soldiers emerged from the mist, as if they were marching along a road rather than stepping out of nothingness. Tisha stumbled back as her father pushed her out of the way, and she stood, paralysed with fear as the Watchers lunged forward to try and drive off the assault.

'Where are they coming from?' Giles demanded, slashing frantically as the nearest one reached for him. 'Armies don't appear out of thin air!'

'Watch out!' The Realm Rider's dark hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat, and a bleeding gash sliced across his cheek as he darted forward. His fingers cut through the air, and a harsh, rough word leapt from his lips.

'Die.'

Two of the soldiers dropped in an instant, helpless to do anything but obey, but three more strode forward to take their place. Booted feet trod on the bodies as if they were meaningless, and Tisha stared as the soldiers continued to attack, indifferent to the fate of their comrades.

'Get to the stairs and down into the city, Tisha,' her father ordered. 'You'll be safe there.'

'No!' Tisha's voice was a cracked whisper, but she held her ground. 'I'm not leaving you!'

He did not answer, and Tisha cringed as another creature smaller this time, but still human in shape lunged forward with an axe in each hand. Her father blocked and parried, hacked and tore, but it seemed to ignore his efforts; he was losing ground and running out of time.

Without thinking, Tisha darted forward and swung the dagger upwards. The blow was clumsy and weak. It struck the chest plate, and the blade slid away with a trail of sparks, leaving nothing but a shallow scrape in its wake. Someone grabbed her before her victim could retaliate. Fingers bit into her arm with bruising force as she was dragged away from a blow that would have split her head open, and Tisha staggered back as she stared at the fight.

A sharp wind howled in from the world beyond the Wall, tearing at her with invisible hands. Tisha's skirt slapped around her legs, and her hair was shoved back from her face. Instantly, the world exploded into a myriad of colours, and she reeled back in shock, clutching a hand over her right eye as her left streamed in pain.

Blinking, she let her hand fall back to her side as she stared in disbelief. It was as if a veil had been lifted. Where there had once been the grey blanket of morning mist, the air was now crowded with glimmering shapes.

They looked like shards of broken glass, dappled in glossy shades of slate grey and red. Some were the size of her hand, but others were as big as houses, and as she watched, a few straggling creatures stepped through the gleaming surfaces and onto the Wall.

'There!' she cried out, pointing as two fragments collided in a starburst of colour. 'They're coming out of those!'

'No time for your games, girl,' Giles snapped, grunting in pain as he inched his way towards her father. 'There's nothing there! These things must be mage work, conjured up to give us a hard time.'

'What are you talking about?' she yelled, flinching as several of the black armoured things turned and looked towards her, impassive but listening all the same. 'Are you blind? They're everywhere!'

A deep roar, like the stirring of some ancient monster, filled the air, and the stones beneath her feet rolled and flexed in response to the call. Gold lines flickered like lightning across the Wall's smooth surface, drawing crazy cobwebbed patterns and pooling beneath the feet of the Dark Soldiers. They shrieked and wailed, dropping their weapons and clawing at themselves, but they could do nothing to break free from the magic tearing at their bodies. Most died, but one or two backed away, retreating back into the glassy doorways from which they had emerged.

The squeal of metal cut through the air, and Tisha spun around, staring in horror at her father. One of the creatures had stabbed its fingers into his armour, hooking them under the metal skin like claws. It hung on tight as her father struggled to escape from its clutches, ignoring Giles' attempts to hack through its arms. With each grating, stumbling step it took, it dragged Tisha's father closer to the edge of the Wall.

'Get off him!' she screamed, her voice cracking as she rushed forward, but it was too late. Time slowed down as, with one last haul, the creature stepped back out into thin air, pulling her father with it like a rag doll.

Tisha's outstretched fingertips brushed smooth armour, but there was nothing to grip, and she heard her father's gasp of horror as he plunged over into the waiting glassy sheen. It rippled as he slipped through, bulging gruesomely as it stole him from her sight.

The shards faded away, losing colour and definition until Tisha was staring into space. After the din of the fight, the battlements were eerie and quiet; every breath she took sounded like a waterfall in her ears. Her body shook as she tangled her fingers in her hair, trying to see any glistening remnants of the strange gateways. All that greeted her was an empty grey world, and she choked in a tight sound as she realised her father was gone.

Numbly, she stepped forward, standing on the edge and staring down at the ground. The toes of her boots hung over the drop, and she leaned out further, trying to see anything on the earth below. 'I have to get him back,' she said, her voice wobbling as the first panicked sob filled her throat. 'I don't have anyone else. I have to get him back!'

Two of the Watchers grabbed her arms, holding her back. 'Easy, lass,' one murmured, his voice thick with pity. 'There's nothing you can do. He's gone now. No one could survive that fall.'

'No, you don't understand!' she cried, struggling against their grip. 'He didn't hit the ground. Let me go! I have to get out there and find him!' Every twist of her body tightened their hold, and her chest heaved with uncontrollable sobs. 'Please, let me go!'

The Watchers pulled her back, and someone stepped in front of her. Tisha looked up at Falco with brimming eyes, her mouth trembling around a snarl as he reached out for her with tentative hands. 'I'm sorry, but you're going to hurt yourself if you keep this up.' His fingertips brushed her brow, and his next word was a deep, quiet command. 'Sleep.'

A lush scent filled her nose, and the edges of her vision started to blur and darken. Tisha tried to say she was not tired, but her tongue could not form the words. Her eyelids felt too heavy to lift, and the high thrum of panic seeped away, leaving her warm and relaxed.

The last thing she heard before the shadows claimed her was Falco's gentle voice.

'Follow me. I know where we can keep her safe.'

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
HarperCollins Wrote

You’ve got a great, fun premise here and a lot of edge-of-your-seat thrills in Relic and I had a great time reading your novel. There’s a lot of things that work really well here – I think Tisha is an interesting and engaging character, I think the high-stakes are quite compelling, and I like the various jobs within the world and the way we hear about them and see them through Tisha’s eyes.

I do feel like there’s room for improvement here, in order to help this stand out for teens and draw in readers. I would encourage you to work more on building the world – both inside and outside the wall. I wanted a clearer picture of what Tisha’s world inside the wall looks like, how it feels, what the other people are like. It’s great that you throw us right into the action, but it left me feeling a little removed from the world itself. I’d also love more details about the Realm Riders’ home/training castle. I wanted to feel like I could picture their surroundings, and really understand how different it was from Tisha’s old home, and I feel like you can do a lot more to really bring that to life. I’d also love to know more about the rules of the world – how many people can and do use magic? How often are people plucked from obscurity to become Realm Riders? Who is in charge and how are they chosen? Do the people realize that they are constantly in danger of running out of food and comfort? As you go through and work on the manuscript, I’d encourage you to concentrate on bringing Tisha’s surroundings to life – the world of your novel needs to feel like a character in the story.

I was also a little confused about some aspects of our main character. Let’s start with Falco. When he’s introduced he feels much older than Tisha; I kept thinking of him as an adult (almost equating him with Tisha’s dad!), and I feel like it would be more interesting if he felt younger throughout, more on Tisha’s level. I was also a little thrown off by Cayle. When we first hear about him, we hear that he spent the first few months that he was with the Realm Riders pining for Tisha. But then when she sees him, there isn’t even a hint of romantic tension. I wish that there could be more chemistry there, more appeal – we need to see something, especially in Cayle. Maybe a hint of desire in his eyes, or even some hinting, half-finished sentences?

I was also confused about why Tisha wasn’t considered “magical” even when they realized that she could see the breaches and she could smell magic. We’re told very clearly that those abilities are both quite unique, but yet she’s referred to as just a regular human with no magical ability. I wonder whether that can be reconciled?

Lastly, I would encourage you to pay careful attention to your dialogue and language. Most of your novel feels very classic, as if this is happening in a parallel, past world, but there are a few moments (like when Tisha says “Sucks to be me”) which feel undeniably modern and a little out of the blue.

I think you have a great start here and I would strongly encourage you to keep working on the manuscript.

A Knight wrote 629 days ago

Reply to HC Review:

It is great to finally have some concrete feedback and areas of improvement from someone within the publishing industry. I shall bear these thoughts in mind as I continue to improve both Relic and work on other projects. Thank you for taking the time to read this section of Relic, and for your active encouragement to both improve and continue with this work.

All the best,
A.B. Knight

bageek wrote 677 days ago

This is ... amazing, and I haven't even read it all yet.
I've pretty much followed your stories ever since you joined FF.Net, since your first one, "Honest", and from then on, you've been one of the best writers I've ever come across - that includes fan fiction and books that are already published. I've been following your stories for years and it's just the way you do things that hasn't got me bored (wow, sounds kind of stalker-ish). I don't know what it is, but you *got* it.
You have this thing for words that other writers just lack; you know when to give the readers just that little bit more to keep them going.
The introduction was perfect. You know exactly what to do to spark curiosity - for example, our first encounter with "the Wall" in one of the initial paragraphs. The Wall is purposely presented with a capital W. Why has it got a capital? Is that particular wall special in some way? Then, after we read on and discover the purpose of the wall, we're presented with the rule. Why is the rule in place? Is it really that dangerous on the outside?
Your descriptions are well worded, and the scenery is described to the point of closing your eyes and being there. It's full of drama, and the action flows to make you sit on the edge of your seat. There are bits of humour in there as well, just little giggles to make sure the story isn't *too* suspenseful.
But most important of all, it's believable.
Most novels have characters that go through no development whatsoever - the MC is described fully at the beginning and soon the reader expects something of them, and is never surprised. Also, other novels with fantasy cities or worlds are sometimes just too much for the author to handle. However, you've given us a bit of insight to each character at the beginning, slowly adding to their personalities while the story progresses, eventually turning them into sophisticated people with their own quirks, flaws, strengths, goals, ideas, problems and mannerisms.
Also, for Tisha, tiny little things like not knowing how to do things - for example, sew or ride a horse - make her even more real. She's an average girl, just a maid, and she only knows how to do things that are within the criteria of her job and everyday life. It annoys me when novels have these average people that know how to do tasks that, in reality, average people would never know how to do, unless they were *meant* to or purposely *taught* to (in most cases they weren't).
And the city - oh gosh. I *died* of happiness when you made magic so believable. I *love it* how you made Tisha with a disgusted, somewhat hated outlook on magic. It makes it so much more realistic. Most people hate what there's too much of, and this goes to show that magic is so commonplace in Relic, some people are *sick* of it. In some fantasy novels, some of the characters have a "Wow, magic!" sort of attitude - which makes it boring for me. Other people love the whole idea of the wow-ish factor in novels, but personally, it's not for me. There are only a few novels which does this attitude well.
Also, more ranting about the city. Tisha mentions "Realm Riders" and "Watchers" casually, yet again without a "Wow!" attitude. Makes it all the more believable. I love it.
I really wish I had time to read the rest of it right now, but I will as soon as I can. So far, I'm up to when Falco apologizes to Tisha, when everyone is riding the horses.
This is awesome, it really, really is. I'm getting all my friends to try and get you to the well-deserved top (: . I just want to give you a big, big hug for your work.

Hope you make it!
Lots of love.
:)

Kaychristina wrote 723 days ago

A literary fantasy for all, Abi. You've created a very real world within one of dark, magical happenings, and a heroine in Tisha all teenage girls will want to be. Those girls, and older women, it has to be said, will fantasise about being grabbed, heaved over a shoulder and ultimately saved by the divine Falco - a knight of a Realm Rider if ever there was one.

You've created this world, building up very quickly through what first appears a real, perhaps medaeval one, into another that is, by all realms of the imagination, a distinct possibility... By Tisha's astonishment when she first sees outside this monster of a Wall, so we are astonished with her, believing what she sees and sharing that astonishment.

And I can smell the franchise... as will HC, I hope! All I can offer is a backing, and wish you great success.

Kay xx ("Annacara")

Cherry G. wrote 775 days ago

This is good!
An exciting start that skillfully introduces Tisha as the MC without slowing the action, and also alerts the reader to the wonderfully named Realm Riders, Watchers and the Wall. Tisha's eye patch is mentioned but as yet, the reader doesn't know what has to be hidden. All very mysterious!
It promises a lot and it soon delivers. Climbing up the steps , with the green light of the everflame lighting her way, she's stopped from peering over the Wall by the charismatic Sargeant Falco. The remainder of the chapter is action packed as magical monsters attack from over the Wall.
There are four main hooks that keep the reader engrossed at the end of Chapter 1. What is the threat from outside the wall and can Tisha's father be rescued? Why can Tisha see things the others can't and what is the magic that Falco appears to use on her?
The next chapters continue with the same high quality writing and the danger to Tisha mounts as she is forced to become a Realm Rider and endure the training. And Tisha's interest in Falco grows..
This is well written with a powerful and likeable heroine in Tisha plus many more believable characters. You've conjured up a magical world which feels very real. Impressive.
I think this could be very popular with teenage girls. (And others...I enjoyed it) I can see it as a film and with spinoffs such as games and T.shirts etc.
Hope this does as well as it deserves to do.
I will back RELIC tonight.
Cherry G.
Sister: One Woman's Journey through thre Trojan War

RobRow wrote 775 days ago

Abi:

I think you've got something here. Relic is a very engaging story, and quite interesting--even to a reader like me, who rarely samples this genre. But the reality you create is very believable, your characters are well drawn, and the writing style is exceptionally strong. I believe all of these elements give you more than a decent chance at publication, and I'm happy to lend my support. Backed with pleasure.

By the way, I caught just one error in Ch. 1, a missing word at the end of this sentence: “Black slabs of rock made up the steep, inner face, and the only two gates were carved from wood so old it had turned as dark as the stone around its.”

All the best,
Rob

Famlavan wrote 43 days ago

Hey Abi - How's it going - Published yet (if not I'm surprised) - If you get chance can you have a look at a kids book I've put up - Catch you soon - Ian

Geneva Wilkins wrote 55 days ago

Very well written, my daughter who read most of it says you need to upload more chapters :)

XIII wrote 67 days ago

I came across your book today and enjoy it. Good luck with your goals for it, so far, I'm still reading and enjoying it.

A.C. Wilson wrote 130 days ago

I've really enjoyed this book so far. I would LOVE to read more and find out what happens next.
Tisha is a highly amusing character in her stubborness and her insistance on doing what she feels is right, or best, no matter the costs. That can be a very good, or a very bad trait in a person, as she is quickly beginning to learn.
Falco, though, is my favorite so far. Amused by her, friendly, but with his own ulterior motives for everything. He didn't lie to her, nor was he completely honest. One day he's going to end up telling her about his sister, but she may accidently let it slip that she knows about his sister first.
I found this to be such a compelling story that I stayed up well past the time I should have been in bed, as I have things to do tomorrow.
A very compelling story. Keep up the good work.

Simon R. Willis wrote 184 days ago

Excellent start! Would love to read more. As a fantasy writer myself I'm always on the look out for a new world to see. I thought yours could have had more detail in the first 2 chapters - just small things like describing the surroundings, the smells, the peoples, what they wear etc etc. Great start though, keep it up!

ccb1 wrote 582 days ago

The editor’s desk, was it worth? Was your book reviewed by HarperCollins? Did you receive a book publishing offer, or have other publishing houses expressed and interest in you book? We have found the comments and suggestions from the other authors on Authonomy helpful in revising our book, but were just curious as to the benefits of landing at the top.
CC Brown
Dark Side

BenGalley wrote 608 days ago

Congratulations on a great and intriguing novel! As a fantasy writer myself I love to enter other people's worlds and yours is very imaginative. I love the Realm Riders and your use of magic as well, and the cover is great! Nothing like a spot of complete heterochromia in your lead character to inspire a bit of interest :) Truly looking forward to read the rest.

Kindest regards,

Ben Galley (formerly of Winchester)
The Written

Amy Smith wrote 623 days ago
RonParker wrote 624 days ago

Hi A.B,

I see you've managed to get to the top without needing my help. Cogratualtions and good luck with whatever happens next - hopefully, publication at some stage.

It's easy to see why your story made it to the desk. It's great.

Ron

A Knight wrote 629 days ago

Reply to HC Review:

It is great to finally have some concrete feedback and areas of improvement from someone within the publishing industry. I shall bear these thoughts in mind as I continue to improve both Relic and work on other projects. Thank you for taking the time to read this section of Relic, and for your active encouragement to both improve and continue with this work.

All the best,
A.B. Knight

Bonofied1 wrote 630 days ago

Wow. I just finished what you have posted here and I am wishing I could find out what happens!

Bonofied1 wrote 630 days ago

I haven't even completed this yet, but my goodness WHAT A GREAT STORY! I am already picturing a full length motion picture to portray this story! AWESOME! This should definitely be published...and I would be one of the first to purchase!

Cheryl A. Thompson
'Whispers From My Heart'

michaelshortland wrote 630 days ago

OK but rather predictable fabtasy story.

CG Fewston wrote 655 days ago

Unique.

crazy mama wrote 655 days ago

CONGRATULATION AND WELL WISHES FOR CONTINUED SUCCESS!

M.R.HYDE wrote 657 days ago

Congratulations! I'm so glad it got to the top!

Tom Bye wrote 659 days ago

hi a b ; RELIC'
CONGRATULATIONS .
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

philip john wrote 659 days ago

Well done, Abi! You made it!

Best wishes Philip John

MonicaEmme wrote 659 days ago

I'm so excited for you! Please, please, please tell us, or at least me when it is published I really would like to read the rest. (I recruited friends, fans, and crit partners to come back your book also during last months rounds but alas it wasn't enough.) Glad you made it this time around though!

Alonwi Carrovella wrote 659 days ago

CONGRATS ON MAKING THE EDITOR'S DESK ABI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ra Ra Radek wrote 660 days ago

Especially enjoyed the visual imagery of this – the original eloquent similes (“like invisible oil, slicking her skin with its touch” for example). A cracking story written with tremendous flair and exciting vitality.

Amberly wrote 660 days ago

Hi Abi

Just finished the first five chapters - you have got to get this this published because i have got to finish reading it!

I am so hoping for a romance between tisha and falco!

Absolutely addicted and unable to sleep now!

Amberly

Amberly wrote 660 days ago

Hi Abi,

i know you've had a heap of comments and that it's already infront of an editor but i just noticed that halfway down chapter 3 you have falco letting Tisha go twice - a typo?

Cheers

Amberly

fh wrote 660 days ago

Congratulations!

Faith
The AssassinsVillage

celticwriter wrote 660 days ago

Hi AB. Have returned to your novel. Still enjoying your story telling. And just in case it didn't register first time, I'm backing again.

blessings,
jim

Roland Mann wrote 661 days ago

Reminiscent of HUNGER GAMES...and that's a GOOD thing! I like what you're doing.

Keri Kern wrote 661 days ago

I backed your book a while ago but I enjoyed it so much I am backing you again so you stay in the top 5. Good luck!
Keri Kern

Leo Sebastian wrote 662 days ago

The way you use magic in the beginning as something you feel rather than ye old wizards shooting fireballs was fantastic. It creates the feel of "this is different" and makes you want more.

Good luck in the editor's desk and thanks for the backsies ;)

Amberly wrote 662 days ago

Hi Abi

So far just great - amazing intro!

You've a lot of comments so you proabably already know this - sorry about that.

chapter 1, "taking two steps back and breaking into a run" i thought she was running away - because she just took 2 steps back? a bit confusing.

I can't wait to read the rest.

Great job

Amberly

LeClerc wrote 662 days ago

I have back this before and I think it deserves another go.

Phil
Danny Murphy

dondyke wrote 662 days ago

I love adventures... this one looks to me like fresh palm wine too strong to ignore. The title of a story is like the nail, the plot is the hammer, you are hitting the hammer on the nail.... N.D.W.DIKE aka dondyke.

tomkepler wrote 663 days ago

Added your book back to my shelf, hoping to help you for these last days of the month. Good luck!
PS: I have a second book uploaded, Love Ya Like a Sister.

heaven-sa wrote 663 days ago

Unreservedly backed. I've read chapter 1 and I would LOVE to read the whole book. Brilliant!!!

korvet wrote 663 days ago

Excellent opening action and chapter structure, keeps you reading. Great narrative flow, propels the reader along matched with detailed character and scene descriptions allows you to see the action, like a movie playing in your head. I had to be asked to look at this, I won't need to be asked to read All OF IT. RJ. Kain The Chronos Gambit.

Rachel Bull wrote 664 days ago

Hi, I have only read the first two chapters but am already hooked! Your story is fast paced and throws the reader into the action immediately, I loved it. Good luck
Rachel

Eunice Attwood wrote 664 days ago

I have backed your book again but thought I had done so already. Sorry about that.
Eunice

R.A. Baker wrote 664 days ago

This not your typical fantasy. I appreciate the considerable time and effort you must have spent creating your own mythology from scratch. Watchers, Realm Riders, the Wall--all great concepts and well executed.. This book is highly ranked a good reason: it's an excellent read!

Best wishes and success,

R.A. Baker

T. L. Bartush wrote 665 days ago

You don't need comments now, (THE ED IS LOOMING!) you need backing (sorry about the outburst) so thank you for backing Bleak House Bleak Shed. I'm happy to reciprocate.

T. L. Bartush

Nursing Around wrote 665 days ago

absolutely brilliant.
Bryn

Nursing Around wrote 665 days ago

if i continue to read i'm going to be angry that the whole manuscript isn't here. This is damned brilliant. The best work I've read here, and as good as any fantasy I've read on the market. If the editors don't agree to publish you, it's their loss as I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you hit the big time.
Bryn

AoiKazeToMidoriAme wrote 665 days ago

Wow, I really got immersed into the story by the end of the 5th chapter. I think at times though, the conversation seems a touch too modern youth ish, but, it is a young adult book, so maybe thats a good thing. It's been a while since I've been a teen, and fantasy dialogue can be difficult that way. But, really, absolutely fantastic story. I really want to write more successfully myself, and I am playing with teh plot for my own fantasy novel right now. Since high school I've not really written, but what I have churned out has been FF. I went through some rough times at 18 right as I was coming into my own in the craft, and in the 6 years since haven't been able to write work I've been comfortable with. Anyway, I really like this. I'm not sure how this site works, but I assume it is a still unpublished manuscript. I think its already great, and after a little bit of some editing can be fantastic. Although I'm an adult who started reading adult literature before he reached high school, I think perhaps today young adult fiction and especially fantasy remains my favorite genre. There is something so powerful about coming of age and the honor of fantasy protagonists and paragons that is so powerful. I think you've got a fantastic and rather adroitly flawed character here in this novel, with the perfect cast to help her out around her. I really strongly wish you luck, and I hope this story makes it. I'll buy a copy when it does, cause it will. It deserves it.

Roxanne Kade wrote 666 days ago

Well first off I have to say congrats on being on the ED! Only a few days to go. You deserve your spot as you are a highly talented and accomplished writer.
The very first time I logged on to this site, your book was one of the first to grab my attention. Your cover is beautiful and promises something more than just the normal fantasy fiction novel. Your pitch really draws a person in and you just can't help but want to read more.
Best of luck. I'm going to add you back to my shelf to show my support as I really believe you deserve to be published.
Roxanne
Therian

nsllee wrote 666 days ago

Hi Abi

I'm not surprised this is on the Ed's Desk. Great pitch, great idea, great opening chapter, full of tantalising ideas and questions to keep you reading. I love the idea of the massive ancient wall. Falco's sexy. I can't work out why Tisha has to keep one of her eyes covered, but it doesn't matter which one. My only hesitation is that Tisha annoys me. I guess I'm getting a bit fed-up of feisty heroines who don't care about their looks. But the rest is so good I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and read on, to see if she grows on me. Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Dom-inatez wrote 666 days ago

This is a fab book I would love to read the rest of it, you are very talented. Book backed Happily.
Dom-Inatez

rachaelfiona wrote 666 days ago

I thought this was a truly engaging read. Tisha is thoroughly three dimentional and I found I genuinely cared what happened to her. The world of Relic and the outside of the wall makes for a great setting for such a story. I am only disappointed I didn't get to find out what happens next!

fletcherkovich wrote 667 days ago

A.B. Knight-

SUPERB.
This is a one of a kind book in this site. The story is well polished and the language is just so magical. I love it.

Michael Oakes wrote 667 days ago

Excellent. Reminds me of The City of Ember. There’s the whole mystery aspect of what’s outside the city, and also a young girl character that immediately engages the reader. Very well written.

Bonzo147 wrote 669 days ago

This is very impressive...a real page turner....there's only one way for it to go and that's up...well done...backed with pleasure.
ASC
Violet Hiccup

Zimbo wrote 669 days ago

This is a great story from the start. Quite engrossing and makes a reader want to go on reading to see what happens next. From the determination of Tisha to get out of the confines of Relic, the meeting with Falco and the discovery of her eyes, is quite good. All magic and mystery.
Good luck.

memphisgirl wrote 670 days ago

Wish I was this good when I was twenty-something. I have visions of receiving a writing award as an eighty-year-old. Life is such a learning curve! So glad you contacted me and happy not to miss this. Your imagery lands hard, just the kind of brutal use of language I love, and your active verbs smack the reader around. That's the experience. That's what it takes. Kudos, blessings. Great!

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now