December Gold

Sorry it's taken me so long to take a look. I'm pretty backed up on read requests.
You've done a good job with story telling, and documenting an important slice of history. You're at your best with the anecdotes that you share.
You might want to reconsider the phrase "embraced her lips" in the last paragraph of chapter 1 -- that doesn't sound right to me, unless he's hugging her lips with his arms.
Best of luck with this!
Tod Schneider
I'm in a VERY different genre, but of course take a look if you'd like:
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

A very well written story with good hooks to keep the reader interested. I liked the going back and forth between the story lines and the characters are well built. The history is not so far back that it isn't remember and it brings to light how one life and lifetime bleeds and feeds into another.

December Gold is close to my heart. A load of aspects are identical to personal experience.

Beautifully written. Not my kind of book, Ronald, but I know it would appeal to many who have served in the forces, and their families. I've rated it five stars.

Great start, good flow, good pace and writing style. It made me emotional about Alaya and her parents, but it portrayed a selflessness of our soldiers. I will return very soon for more.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

This is a well written book.
I would have liked to read chapter 1, but it didn't come up.
Anyways, I like your story a lot. It has an originality to it. I haven't read any book like this one. I like they way you develop it and leave a tension always in the air.
The names are really great. I enjoy new names.
Good work.
Best wishes with it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I really enjoyed reading this - I like the use of cliff-hangers/small mysteries at the end of the chapters that made me want to keep reading on (e.g wondering what was in the pouch at the end of chapter one - I was intrigued by that).
The MS is well-written but I noticed a touch of repitition here and there and maybe a few overlong sentences. Apart from that, the story flowed beautifully. Great job!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

This is a most enjoyable book and I was hooked to the story from the beginning. I read seven chapters and had to stop myself. What a page turner!
The story flows so well, and although you revert back in time, and then back again, you do it well.
A great story with a strong backbone.
Highly starred
Junetee(Four Corners)

A fine, stirring piece of work, Ronald, told rather than written, like a fireside story, so that we miss all the marks of a novel, such as clear, controlled punctuation, well-indicated changes of mood, subtly introduced history of this war, planned preparation for climaxes, and general management of the whole.The highly dramatic plunge into the midst of the conflict might have benefited from reference back to Pearl Harbour, and the Burmese and Malayan invasions by Japan, etc.

Your statement "that carried our troops to victory in 1945". In Luzon, yes, but what about the fatal campaigns in Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and finally the atomic bomb?
With more accuracy, as so fully detailed by other authonomists, your book would have significant promise.
I'm putting it on my W/L in the expectation of that.
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

A fine, stirring piece of work, Ronald, told rather than written, like a fireside story, so that we miss all the marks of a novel, such as clear, controlled punctuation, well-indicated changes of mood, subtly introduced history of this war, planned preparation for climaxes, and general management of the whole.The highly dramatic plunge into the midst of the conflict might have benefited from reference back to Pearl Harbour, and the Burmese and Malayan invasions by Japan, etc.

Your statement "that carried our troops to victory in 1945". In Luzon, yes, but what about the fatal campaigns in Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and finally the atomic bomb?
With more accuracy, as so fully detailed by other authonomists, your book would have significant promise.
I'm putting it on my W/L in the expectation of that.
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

The characters and settings that you displayed were authentic and real. It almost felt as if I were part of the world that you bring to the reader .. I was comfortable with the style of writing, and found it very hard to stop reading. Excellent read. Backed with pleasure!!!

Hi Ronald,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth (and feel free to ignore whatever you disagree with).
Prologue
Brilliant imagery and smooth sentence structures. However, a lack of commas in key places make some parts a more tedious read than they need to be. For instance, “The dignitaries lined up in their traditional place for ceremonies such as this seemed excited about the events unfolding,” ought to have a comma after “dignitaries” and “this.” Otherwise, it sounds like they’re in the act of lining up, instead of you describing them already lined up. Just something to think about. There are other examples like this. I know some don’t think this is a big deal, and it really isn’t a huge deal, but strategic and proper uses of punctuation help an author control how the reader interprets what he or she is reading.
“older, white-haired gentleman” you can drop older, as white-haired implies older.
Strong dialogue.
The pros: Strong language paints a vivid picture. Wonderful flow and a knack for storytelling. Strong dialogue makes for great characterization.
The cons: Wordiness at times (some things could be condensed, consolidated or whittled down). Punctuation—I’m not a complete grammar hawk, but when a lack of or misused punctuation disrupts or hides the wonderful writing that’s there, it’s something worth noting.
Ultimately, I don’t think this reads like a final, polished draft. However, I love your writing style and your method of storytelling. This is strong stuff. Highly starred and I’ll gladly give it a spot on my shelf when space becomes available.
Best of luck. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine when you get the chance. It’s a completely different style and genre, but it’s always great to get feedback from a gifted writer.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi, Ron–this is an unforgivably late return review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea. (I’m down to just a handful now.)

You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum, comma-wise. I am mentally adding them in, as surely as you subtracted them when reading my manuscript. But your meaning is coming across just fine. It’s a stylistic matter.

What we have in common is that our dads fought in the War. My dad served in the Royal Navy as a Naval Commando—a very small bunch, from what I can tell. He arrived at Normandy the day after the big day. And my mom is German. So I have an affinity for any and all stories about the war, but a bit of a blind side when it comes to the Pacific Theater.

The opening scene or prologue , I think, tells us too much about your MC’s (or your) personal beliefs. I think it would be stronger were you to show us the sights he sees and then let him drift into the personal remembrance of the key events of the story. After you’re published, you’ll have many opportunities to share your essay about the Memorial.

“The beach was lined with palm trees as he came within site of the landing.” Should be sight.

This opening paragraph, in which a young soldier dies rather abruptly, doesn’t have the power and strength it should. One way to improve it is to kill all the verbs of being. Another is to show us what Jacob is seeing as he sees it: Jacob admired the palm trees as the island came into view. For a moment, the pretty island seemed like a vacation spot, and he gave an excited wave to his friend Billy from training camp. Then a mortar ripped into Billy’s LCM, and his friend disappeared from view. To Jacob it looked like….”

I thought I had read every type of scenario possible for the various beach landings, but this is a new one for me. Tank crushes man, asks GI to save baby.

I’ve noticed a number of commenters gave you feedback about wordiness. Here’s an example: “Enrique became obsessive about leading his family…” You can say instead, “Enrique obsessed about leading his family…” “A plan of how to find his gold became a priority.” You can say, “He wrote down how to go about it.”

Enrique’s story is another very powerful story rendered in less than powerful language. Part of the issue is the pacing. We learn about Enrique’s fate n Ch1, and then get a lot of backstory in Ch2. I think Enrique’s backstory would make an excellent beginning. Then give us the American side for a bit, then back to Enrique. You could create amazing suspense, get the reader to cry when the wife dies. Contrast the death of Enrique’s wife with the death of Billy so the reader has to think of those who love Billy.

I hope there is a continuing market for stories such as these. I can’t get enough of them.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I really like this story. It is told with great passion and detail. I like your characters. You made me care. You are definitely a talented writer. You've written an interesting and easy to read piece of literature. Great job. Lacy

Dear Ronald,

You need to shorten a few sentences and avoid repetition. That will take the wordiness away from your narrative and make for easier reading. That’s by far my only criticism. There are a few other small glitches. But they are mostly editing issues, nothing that a careful read-aloud can’t correct.

Now, with that out of the way, here’s what I think of the story. The prologue was beautifully descriptive. Different people reacting differently in the same situation, yet believing in the same spirit and dream. Jacob advising his children against glorifying war carried such an important message. Great opening.

I really liked the way the scene shifted to January 1945. Very visual; for better effect, you can put in a separate chapter. Mentioning the full form of LCM (Landing Craft, Mechanised) once will also be helpful for some readers. The intense narrative made the action, come alive. The plot elements came in hard and fast, and made for a thoroughly captivating read.

I had to stop for paucity of time, but will certainly read the rest of this remarkable story later. The narrative reads like a movie screenplay, replete with quickly shifting POVs. Some of it may need to be sorted out, but like I said before, no big deal. You'll be hearing more from me. Meanwhile, 5 bright stars to 'December Gold'.

Best regards,
AGC

Ronald,

I have read the first three chapters of December Gold. This has the makings of an engrossing historical adventure story wrapped around a family drama. Hidden gold, family secrets, war stories -- lots of potential there!

I have some suggestions regarding organization that might make it hang together better. The 21st century prologue works as an introduction -- it's the end of the story, and the characters have learned things that the reader is about to find out. It would be helpful to know a little about who Rollie is and why he's there earlier than we do. I didn't have a sense of what kind of person he was or how old he was or what his interest was in the memorial. We do finally learn that his father was in the war, so that's good. You might try condensing his memories of the stories his father told about the war; it starts to feel redundant.

Although it is not labeled as such, I believe the January 1945 section is meant to be Chapter 1. Then is Chapter 2, you essentially go back and tell the same story from Enrique's point of view. Would it be possible to mesh these two sections, so the reader is given a bit of Jacob's experience and a bit of Enrique's, alternating between them until their stories intersect? That way what happens on the beach wouldn't be told twice and would have greater punch when it happens. Also, I think the reader would know Jacob better and have greater sympathy for him when he rescues the baby if there has been more lead-up to that key scene. It would also feel more natural to go back in time for the next chapter and fill in his story more.

Particularly in action scenes, consider splitting up or tightening long sentences to convey a more active sense of things. Use strong verbs to show the action, rather than telling about it. For example: Rollie noticed the man was wiping tears from his eyes which caused tears to form in his own eyes. Try something like: As the man wiped tears from his eyes, Rollie blinked back a tear of his own.

I noted a few specific edits for correction:

Prologue:
In dialogue, separate each speakers' lines into a new paragraph.

The sentence beginning "His father was a mystery . . ." does not need to be in quotes.

Why are Rollie and Laurel given their full names and titles in the middle of the prologue? It would make more sense to do this when they are first introduced. What are they doctors of? I assume it's important.

Is it significant that Laurel calls him James and he calls himself Rollie?

Chapter 1

. . . came within site . . . you want "sight"

stanch should be staunch

As the boat lurched upward that is when he saw the baby. Cut "that is when"

. . . he demanding . . . you want demanded

The lieutenant's point of view does not add much; I'd advise staying with Jacob's.

There's a stray quotation mark after dead man's identity? And it isn't a question, so replace the question mark with a period.

Chapter 2
Early on, establish where Enrique is and why. You might detail the smelting process while he is reflecting on things, to add a touch of authenticity.

There is no need to put quotes around lines that are not dialogue. For example: There was no doubt, he believed, Yamashita's soldiers would not leave anyone alive in the compound.

In the scene with Enrique and Tokutomi, the pronouns are not always clear. "He" could be either of them.

Tokutomi speaks a line that is partly dialogue, partly exposition: "When Japan loses the war, which he and many others . . ." Clear this up.

He erroneously told the Prince his need . . . This makes it sound like he told the Prince in error or by mistake, when what I think you mean is that he deliberately misled the Prince in order to get what he wanted.

crane like devise should be crane-like device. (How is it not just a crane?)

Is the sheet steel or iron? You go back and forth.

If it took a crane to get it into position, how was Enrique able to move it by himself after building his vault?

more tedious that it actually was . . . You want "than"

. . . his time and usefulness . . . was at hand and presumably at an end. Cut "at hand and"

Chapter 3
"It was like a rite of passage?" Jacob said. Who is he talking to, and why is it a question?

"It would cost him about $1200. . ." Cut "him"

simplistic beauty I don't think you really mean simplistic. Simple or unaffected would make more sense.

"I don't know how much more of my father's drinking I can take?" is not a question.

Switching to Johnny's point of view is jarring and doesn't add much. Would it be possible to keep it in Jacob's POV? He would overhear the phone calls, and then his father appears, a changed man, and explains what happened.

You have wrangled a large cast of characters and a complicated story here, and I wish you well with it.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Chapter one was riveting. The writing is smooth, clear and crisp. I didn't find any errors, spelling or otherwise. You did a great job editing your manuscript! I am giving you 6 stars and putting you in my WL to read further. Great job!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I just read the first two chapters. This story is full of vibrant imagery and has a historical feel that draws you right in. This is not my usual cup of tea, but I think you have done a great job with it. Thanks for the read. High stars on this one.

Ron,

I read through chapter six and found myself totally captivated by your story. A long time ago I had read through chapter two, so I merely skimmed the the first two just to reacquaint myself with the plot. It all came back to me quickly.

The beginning of your book definitely grabs the reader with Rollie’s remembrance of his father and the tragedy of Enrique’s lost hopes and the ultimate death of him and his wife. It is all so gripping and very moving.

Chapter three introduces John, Jacob, and their life that is marked with it’s own strain of sad memories and difficulties. Then Japan bombs Pearl Harbor. A day that truly does live in infamy.

You wrote “A chill of patriotism and excitement ran up the spine of seventeen years old Jacob as he listened with eyes and ears glued to the radio.” A chill went up my spine too. The words of President Roosevelt are very stirring. It brings back the horrific memories of Sept 11. and made me proud and thankful to be an American.

You do a wonderful job chronicling the events of Dec 7, 1941 and afterwards. I really enjoyed seeing those days through the eyes of Jacob - too young to fight and not even sure he wanted to. Life was going good finally.

Ron, I know I’ve told you this before, but I was imagining my dad as I read about Jacob. My dad was 18 too when he was drafted. He told me when he arrived in New York Harbor and saw the battered destroyer that was to be his base of operation for the next two years, he thought he was never going to make it home. But he did! And oh, the stories he had… December Gold also resonates with me too in that I grew up right by Fort Custer or Camp Custer. My dad and I used to ride our motorcycles around the old barracks, peeking inside in hopes of finding some long lost treasure. Now it’s used by the National guard - a handful of fighter jets… pretty cool.

Anyway, although I thought Jacob’s war experience was really very intriguing and interesting, I did feel the plot slows a bit. You do sprinkle this time with a continuing unsettledness in Jacob’s mind that he is meant for more - that he is feeling someone else’s pain. This serves to keep the tension until Jacob comes to rescue the baby. I loved that you allow the reader to really live the war through the thoughts of Jacob, a character that you have made the reader to care about so much.

By the end of chapter six, you bring the reader full circle to the tragic demise of Enrique and his family. And we see that Enrique’s gold becomes President Truman’s great mystery to solve.

I peeked a little a chapter seven and it looks like the search for gold is what spurs the plot on. I can tell there is more intrigue and mystery in store!

Ron, I am so impressed with your writing and your story. It is smooth, easy to read and captures the imagination and heart of your reader. I wish I had another six stars to give you. I do have a warm spot on my shelf though….

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

DECEMBER GOLD
This is an intriguing story. I used to work at a veteran’s hospital and loved to listen to stories of WWII so I felt right at home reading this. The story of the hidden gold is interesting; I’m betting people will read this and take off for Manila to try and find that cave of gold. I like the way you include back story detail when you introduce your characters; fleshes them out nicely and makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Great story! I loved everything you wrote and I can't wait to read more later on.

Wow, what a great story! I'm about to start Chapter 3 and I was just wondering what an LCM is??

Oh my goodness, what a page turner! I just finished chapter 1 and I can't wait to read the rest!

Hi Ron,
I see you have lots of comments, so I will try to focus on some other things. You have a good story, I think. It would help if you could create even more empathy by trying to get into the characters’ points of view a little more, showing us by their actions what they think, rather than simply telling us. (Show don’t tell). The prologue and chapters could be tightened considerably, which would up the pace, and excitement for the reader. At the moment, you also use lots of adverbs and adjectives. Could cut down this and use stronger verbs and nouns.
Congratulations on the story, though. It is a great piece of work. Here are some other minor comments:
Short Pitch: I think there is too much going on here. We need a short, snappy sentence or question that hooks the reader. What is the big What If here? What are the stakes?
Long Pitch: Overall a good pitch, but a couple of minor fix-ups. Who is Rollie? Is he Professor Marclay? You mention “this young baby” in the second para. What young baby? You mention a Japanese Christian in the third para as a vital character. But where is he in the first or second paras?
Prologue: I think the prologue would be better if it were just the story about finding the baby. “defending our country…” “carried our troops to victory…” Are you intending to try and publish outside the US?
With dialogue, it would help distinguish the speakers to have different people on new lines.
“Retelling his experience…as his easel.” One is painting, the other is speaking.
LCM?
“Rollie was consoled by what he now knew about the secret kept hidden.” Maybe this could be worded more clearly? Obviously the secret was no longer hidden.
There are a few too many “excited” and “excitedly”. Maybe try to change some of them.
Would Jacob call a baby a “kid”? He “yelled out loudly” – yelling suggests loud.
“naked as the day she was born” – cliché
Ch 1: Should talalog be tagalog?
You put a great deal of backstory in Ch1, which slows down the action considerably.
“Time had certainly passed since then, he fervently thought.” Not sure how you think fervently?
It is certainly difficult to understand how Enrique could feel joy at working for the Japanese after what he witnessed.

Ron,

December Gold is a page turner for sure! You have developed your plot so that it makes it nearly impossible for the reader to put it down. You have made me care about Jacob, John, Susan. Aunt Flo and Uncle Ed, and of course baby Alaya. What suspense you have created. What will happen to Alaya and Jacob? How will he ever discover the map in the locket and will he be able to decipher it? I was quite captivated by the whole story and want to read more, but it is late… Ron, the title you have chosen for your book is perfect and you have a wonderful long pitch. I was excited to read the reference to the destroyer in chapter one. My dad was on the U.S.S. Patterson in the South Pacific in the later part of WWII.

There were a couple things I noticed while I was reading that you might want to give some attention to. In the prologue (I think) the sentence starting: “there are so many memories present in this place that (it) would…

For us civilians, may tell us just once what a LCM is.

Chapter one, third paragraph, the sentence starting “As he squatted…“ is kind of complicated.

In the end of chapter two, the point of view shifts back and forth from Enrique to Jacob. This probably should stay consistent.

Finally, in chapter three when you shift to Johnny’s point of view, separate this with some space or asterisks. I noticed a little shifting back and forth from Jacobs and Johnny’s point of view too.

I can tell this is going to prove to be a very exciting book, Ron. Good job and many blessings. Six stars and a backing soon to come.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

If you love Historical Fiction, you will love this! You get the detail aspect of story telling! Seriously, not sure why I waited long to read it!

Hi Ron,

I found December Gold to be a fascinating read, since my father served in the US Navy Pacific Theater during World War II. He spent much of his service stationed in the Philippines, mostly around Luzon.

Your attention to detail and historical accuracy make December Gold a pleasure to read. Your fictional storyline and characters are believable and intertwine successfully with the historical timeline. Well done.

From the editorial perspective, some of your sentences are very long. For the sake of flow and ease of reading, consider shortening some of them.

I am sending many stars your way and will shelve December Gold when I have room on my shelf. Good luck!

Deb

Really well written with a great style. You paint your story on a wide canvas. I wish I has time to read more. Bearing in mind how important the first line and first paragraph are, my best chance at a positive contribution is to comment on this.. in the Prologue. I think it would be even better if you got Rollie into the first line in a manner which immediately tells us we are seeing this through his eyes: confirmation of 'showing' rather than 'telling'. So the changes would firstly result in: 'Rollie watches as a faint mist rost from the Washington Mall to cast a mystical spell...' This then also immediately identifies the protagonist. This change requires the following minor amendment to the 3rd sentence: 'What seemed most impressive to Rollie,' and 'seemed' also engages a bit more emotionally. I hope you think this helps. I have backed this.
I look forward to your comments on 'Reality Check'. Many thanks. Ian Kingsley.

Hello Ronald Lee Mitchell,

As a fan of epic stories I really do like the concept of it. You have clearly done a large amount of research, which results in an enthralling plot. Although like any book on Authonomy, I do see some possible ways in which it could be improved even more :}.

In the prologue you give the reader an impressive but appropriate amount of back story. However, for this section I would suggest to describe some things more in detail. For example, what does Washington Mall look like? I think I’ve been there once, but to a reader who hasn’t seen it the impact isn’t as great. On a similar note, what does Rollie and his father look like? I think if we could see a generational resemblance, the memories about his father would give the reader a greater shock. In addition, what does a LCM look like and what is it? Perhaps if you included a glossary of military terms or somehow included them within the narrative, it would clear thing s up a bit. The result of this change can only be positive :}, because once a person starts learning about the history of a world they will always desire more information. And of course, you, the author are that source which gives you the chance to pull people into your plot more and more.

My other suggestion would be to tighten up some of your sentences. I admit, I’m not an expert at this, but I have learned a few things while being on this website. One example I noticed was: He looked at his task at hand smelting confiscated gold into gold ingots for the Japanese Imperial army.

Off the bat, I can’t really visualize this since I have never smelted metals before :}.

I hope this helps!

Kind regards,

David Joyce

The Emerald Throne

Chapters 10-12: The hard work that you evidently underwent in research pays off well in this stretch (as it does elsewhere, I'm sure). These chapters move along nicely. In 10, I might suggest (the slightest nit) that you consider omitting the adverb 'selfishly'. "She has more time for her patients than for me," Rollie uttered. To include it is to 'tell' us, which is unnecessary since you so very well 'show' us. Very nice work.
John

- December Gold -

(Based on the prologue and chapters 1-3)

December Gold is an extremely ambitious project. Although I have read only a relatively small share of the content, it’s clear that the novel is epic in scale and encompasses a host of themes, plotlines and characters.
For me, the most intriguing aspect was the historical setting and focus on issues of politics and race among Malays, Filipinos and the Japanese. I began taking an interest in this period a few years ago after reading The Blue Afternoon by William Boyd, which deals with the era in which the Philippines were under US administration. So it was engaging for me personally as the reader to see these issues explored here and there were certainly some interesting observations and factoids here.

I enjoyed the prologue and thought it a well thought-out way of adding an almost cinematic perspective to the way the story is about to unfold. The discussion of Jacob’s reluctance to talk about the war or to portray himself as a hero is both a delicate piece of characterisation, letting the reader know that the man about to enter the scene is humble, and a clue as to what is to come.

A typo here: “very somber and stanch”. Should be ‘staunch’.

Later on, the cinematic telling of the story continues with the US amphibious invasion and the emotional entrance, and exit, of Enrique. This scene is action-packed and I liked the working in of the rumour about McArthur.

In chapter two we learn more of Enrique and slowly begin to guess that this is the man who made such a dramatic entrance in chapter 1. The neat brining back of the story to the previous point was very clever and helped ratchet up the emotion as you know what is to come and begin to feel for Enrique. I did have the feeling here that the background could have been made a little leaner, cutting the word count down a little to let the reader progress through the story a little faster. But that’s just my opinion. I started really noting the narrative style in this chapter, quite simple and almost fable/fairytale like at some stages. It was a little strange for me at first but once I got used to it, it helped my reading flow.

Chapter 3 introduces us to Jacob’s father and the reader begins to feel the depth of the story in the background we have on Jacob. I liked that Jacob’s father was a drunkard due to a weak will and didn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. It gave a sense of defeat by his demons rather than the usual one-sided, villainous drunk that you often meet in fiction. I think I would have liked a little more on this struggle, and the father’s battles and losses with addictions though. I also wondered whether a bit more on his religious revelation might aid the story more. What he felt and how it came to him etc. This is a general wondering though, not something I’m even 100% sold on myself so I’m just putting it out there.

There were a few technical issues I picked up on in the reading which I thought could do with being addressed. One example is that there does appear to be quite a few instances of repetition in the prose. For example, in chapter 2 ‘image’ appears twice in one sentence, as does ‘spirit’. And in chapter 3, the opening paragraph, a relatively short one, contains: drink, drunk, drinking, drank and drank. This can be a little jarring as it can take the reader out of their flow. It’s certainly not an indicator of bad writing though – Nikolai Gogol is famous for his repetition.

Another issue was with the way the character’s thoughts and emotions are sometimes expressed. This is often done through speaking out loud, e.g., “Why does life have to be so hard?” he cried out (chapter 2). This can have the effect of making the reader see things as a little melodramatic and preventing them from having the full impact of the emotion. I’d wager it would be more effective to let either let the character think these thoughts to themselves of to relate them as the omniscient narrator. So in this instance either:

Why does life have to be so hard? thought Enrique.

Or:

Enrique wondered why life had to be so hard.

The last point I noted is that exclamation marks do seem to make a fair few appearances. I should admit from the off that this is a personal pet hate of mine so I’m probably biased in this but I usually dislike exclamation marks because they either give me an impression of melodrama or make me think my emotions are being dictated, i.e., rather than letting me feel the story in my own way, the author is telling me where to get excited, upset etc. So it feels like a bit of authorial incursion to me. Again, this is just my personal taste though and may not be the same for others.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and, as I say, I found it to be epic in scope and full of depth and excitement at various stages. In reading, I wondered whether the author would be interested in Steve Hawgood’s Hing Dai on the site as the book takes place during the same historical period, in similar geographical locations and is also an epic. Steve is also excellent at giving feedback and would perhaps take an interest in December Gold too.

I hope my remarks have been of some use. As a writer I am a novice so I make no claims to being right in anything I’ve said. I just go by gut feeling and try to give my honest opinions.

All the best with the book.

Ross

Ronald Lee Mitchell – December Gold: Enjoyed what I read. You’re a natural storyteller. I like the touch of your different fonts. Looks good. My father fought in WWII in the Pacific. He was in the Air Corps. Lots of stories, some quite scary. Amazing he lived to raise nine children. He died in 2004. My husband wishes he had been able to gather many more stories from him before he had a stroke in 1993 and lost most of those memories. Thanks for sharing your hard work! Star rated!
Ellise ~The Governess~

Dear Ron,

The tragedy that is war is portrayed in your book in the manner it should - this is no tear-jerker but a vivid account of what war can do to you, how man takes on the garb of an animal during atrocities committed on helpless victims. It has happened in the past, it is happening even today.
Enriques tale will be remembered for a long time to come, not for the graphic scenes alone but for the story of a person's attitude to life, whatever the season.

My only suggestion would be to make the text tighter, the rest is fine.

i have starred it highly and placed it on my WL, until i can shelve it when a slot opens up.

All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Ron, I have looked over the first chapter and there is enough there to keep me reading. I'm not in any way religious but thankfully I have never experienced war so I don't know how I would react so I will not comment on the 'christian' side of the book which I confess I normally do not look for in a genre.
There is a depth of knowledge of the Enrique character that suggest there may be truth to this story and the juxtaposition of Jacob saving the baby is enigmatic and also hooks the reader.
As for editing there are a few inner thoughts of Enrique that have apostrophes round them that I think need working but apart from that the writing is accomplished.
Worth persevering with as a reader. Starred, regards, Mark

Dear Ron,
I felt the nostalgia as you described the honouring of war veterans in chapter one. After that, the attrocities of war were well portrayed and felt realistic in all their horror. The story of Enrique was valiant but tender, especially when he met the love of his life Kayusha.I felt the pain, filtered through your words, as he witnessed his wife shot and his baby taken away, as he died.
I haven't read much of Jacob's life, but i'm certain there are still many unread treasures to discover.

The only thing i can suggest is that perhaps the chapters could be a bit shorter.
All in all, this is such an endearing and well told story, and i can't wait to get back to it. I will award it six stars, and give it some shelf space as soon as time allows.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

I've just had a quick look at your novel, Ronald and I can see that it shows great promise. You have what appears to be a very promising and sensitively drawn story here. I would recommend that that you shorten your Prologue and just include the scenes in the Washington Mall within it. The action on the beach in January 1945 needs to be in a chapter of its own. I think that the beach section would also benefit from more description especially about the horrific sights, sounds and smells of this battle field. We also need to sense the fear and the adrenaline heightened sharpness of your main character more.

Anyway, the best of luck with your novel. I will scatter some stars liberally.

Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

A strong story that deserves to be heard. There are many highlights for the reader. The prologue leaves us wanting to know more.The descriptions are clear and give the mind's eye something to lace the the story around. The setting developed, the characters are then given flesh. The plot is strong and unfolds.

It's just getting it down and keeping the reader. Long sentences can lose the reader like a speech with too much information and no breaks. Short sentences or phrases can be used to evoke emotion besides giving the mind a stop point. For example: Enrique prepared himself to be a martyr. Like the man before him.
Style may be the issue here, and lots of famous writers (Thoreau for one) were masters of l-o-n-g sentences. If this is your voice, then study how they crafted their work.
Also in the prologue the point of view is third person Jacob telling the story, but the word "our" in "dying for our country" breaks that, and that little word switches to first person. Pretend you are third person Jacob, "he", and show me only what he thinks, feels, can see, hear and say. When the POV is maintained, phrases are acceptable because it's like hearing that person think. Don't be afraid to break a few rules. :)

Some writers have all the mechanics and no substance. Happily that's not the case here. I only have the writer's mantra to offer. "Write. Edit. Polish. Repeat."

December Gold is a good story and would make a nice addition to studies on WWII for students and those interested in this time period. *****rated

Best Wishes!
Dee Farrell

December Gold
Historic Fiction/fact based, 3rd person, multiple

Ch 2, An orphan of WWII is saved by American forces. Chapter 1 had an error so I was unable to start at the start. However, I did find Chapter 2 compelling.

150K + words is a huge novel. Most publishers will not consider a novel of this size by an unknown author. In reading the 2nd chapter, I found several instances where the MS could easily be streamlined without any loss of meaning or content. Redundancies where the same word is used, and reused in the same paragraph (gold belt, for example) could be carved out. This, I think would improve the pacing also.

POV, the author shows a tendancy toward shifting into Omnicient POV on occasion, which was quite jarring and unneccesary. Most of the time when leaving the MC's POV, the pace slows and too much information is told rather than shown. Also, by giving the information in this manner, it eliminates the drama and suspense. IMO, by staying in the MC's POV until the death, the reader would be more engaged in the story.

Mechanics, there were a number of missing commas. For the most part, it is a well written piece with good grammar and sound mechanics.

The power of this story will carry it far. I think with some judicious editing, it will be a novel that is widely read. The plot is really very good and the setting is very dynamic.
I will hold on my WL until a space opens on my shelf.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Ron,
I read chapters 1 (great font for the prologue), 3, 4 and 15. Your premise, characters and pace are marvelous, the writing is well done grammatically (for the most part; we all could use a professional tweak here and there).
I was wondering, however, about the distance you utilize. After my read, I then scanned down to see what the other folks had to say. And, I agree with Pia. First, that this work is deserving of the effort (as it shows so much thoughtful attention already), and that reevaluating the structure and viewpoint might be a good thing. This hit me when I read chapter three where there's so much telling. Now, some genres work well with this approach. My gut feeling is that your work could be even more powerful were you to explain less and demonstrate or dramatize more. I know that can seem disheartening at this stage, but if it weren't so good, I wouldn't offer the suggestion. But, of course, you are the artist of this work, and just look at how far it's risen in the ranks. Excellent. I can happily justify 5 stars for you.
Best,
John B Campbell

An excellent book in many ways. Lots of detail and involvement and makes a good read.
Chris

A very finished book. I congratulate your professionalism. It's sometimes a little 'distant' which does reduce engagement with the characters somewhat. e.g. when Laurel has a phone call about a child with a fever, it would be better written as a piece of dialogue, more telling regarding Laurel's personality and way of working.

Otherwise, the range of this novel and attention to the lifestyle of each character is excellent. High stars.
JRM
GOOD FOR HIM young boy in ww2 novel
A FEAST OF TALES whacky

This reads as a very authentic piece of writing, and the settings are very well described. There is a good lead in to the story, but I thought some of your sentences are a bit too long. Try saying them out loud to yourself and you'll see what I mean. Otherwise this is a fine piece of work and I love the title. Good luck
Anthony

DECEMBER GOLD

Dear Ronald,
I believe I wrote a comment for December Gold some time back. I loved the book then and reading through a few chapters I still think this is a tremendous book. Your characterisation is amazing - they jump off the page at you and overall you write well.
You've gone to a lot of trouble getting the fine detail into your book, and there is a gold thread running throughout the story bringing in family values such as loyalty and family honour - but above all love.

Maybe a bit of time in another edit would be beneficial -I know my book needs more and this goes for about 95% of books on here!
Happy to back this and I've given you high marks. Good luck
Faith
THE CROSSING

I just read the prologue and first chapter of December Gold. I enjoy the settings and the subject matter. The scenes feel authentic and thereby provide the story with instant credibility. For me, the sentences themselves require further edits. In some instances the sentences are simply too long for my taste. In other instances, the sentences are weak from a structural standpoint.

For example, the first sentence of the prologue is too long and the second sentence is infirm.

You write, "A faint mist rose from the Washington Mall casting a mystical spell upon soldiers and families as the dedication ceremony was about to get underway honoring World War II veterans and those veterans who died defending our country. Even the dignitaries lined up in their traditional place for ceremonies such as this seemed excited about the events unfolding."

You could edit as follows: "A faint mist rose from the Washington Mall, casting a mystical spell upon the proud soldiers who assembled there. They had gathered, along with their families, to dedicate a World War II memorial. Even the dignitaries who attended countless ceremonies each year seemed excited by the unfolding events. Rollie's heart swelled as he observed how many veterans, like himself, had brought their children and grandchildren."

To me, my proposed edit keeps what I view as the most essential parts of your first couple of lines, but cuts a lot of fat. That said, I recognize that you and I may have different tastes and perhaps some of the word choices I omitted have special importance for you. Notwithstanding, if you use my edit as an example, rather than a substitute, I think that you can tinker with your original draft to strike a nice balance between maintaining what's important to you and writing tighter sentences. This work has great potential. Keep up the good work.

Ronald -

December Gold - Lovely title. Your pitch promises mystery, drama and healing. The narrative deserves more work re: polishing to do honour to the gripping tale and to draw the reader closer in. One way to achieve this is to have an experienced writer at you elbow and work through only one chapter together. You'll learn a few tricks and can then apply them right through. Totally worth it. The story is all there, with wonderful historical details. I came back to rate this for good potential, Pia

Very good lead in to your story! I love it, it gets you emotional all before you even start telling the story. (Read through 6) I did think the last sentence in the 6th paragraph of the prologue was kind of out of place. (May just be me.) Anyway, 6 stars! Will back next week!

I read Chapter 23. I'm intrigued by the Japanese character, but your writing does need some polishing to flow better and reduce confusion.
For example..
These are words Tony found the diaries of the missionary, Paul Kinley. …..What exactly are you trying to say in this sentence?
He had taken on an American Christian Name and (omit this middle section)”Forever buried his given name..”
Could be less redundant about declaring the owner of the diary.
Through the years the family had prospered turning to the western….(Sentence needs some punctuation. You also might want to think about rephrasing it to be clearer.)
From records found he learned that Tokutomi… From records found, he learned that…(you also say records a lot, could you be more specific. Are you looking at newspapers, college credits, interviews, notes on applications for advancement, military assignment details?)
Since he had learned the language of the Chinese…..Since he spoke Chinese… or he was used exclusively as a translator so he must have know Chinese as well.

Being half filipino with relatives in Manila, I was intrigued when I saw your pitch and first chapter! I've not read anything that includes filipino history before so I am rather fascinated by it :-) Just one thing, I think you mean 'Tagalog' not 'Talalog'- unless there is a slang term I have never heard! Although, Tagalog is the dialect so I'm not sure it is used in the context of a people group ('the Talalog people of Manila' sounded odd)- you could be right though, I presume you've done your research!

Very well done. I believe this to be a great story that many veterans and family members can connect with. I made a few comments as you requested. See below. Backed with pleasure.

“Thinking back…from an experience he had in the war” This sentence is awkward. Also, after ‘thinking back’ you need to set off this introductory phrase with a comma.

“he said out loud” This is redundant. Unless you have instances where ‘said’ does not mean spoke aloud, then you don’t need to specify that it is ‘out loud’. This is inferred by the reader.

“suddenly grew ominously quiet” Too many adverbs here and some used elsewhere. The ly sound creates a repetitive flow in the sentence that is disturbing to readers at times. To find them, do a word search for ‘ly ’. Be sure to include the space at the end so it finds adverbs ending in ly and not words that include ly. Adverbs can be used effectively, so long as they aren’t used in close proximity to one another and not overused. However, the opposite can be said about this rule in poetry where you are looking for rhyme and rhythm in compact lines. I realize this isn’t poetry, but just wanted to make the distinction in case you also wrote poetry.

Hope this helps.
Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Very well done. I believe this to be a great story that many veterans and family members can connect with. I made a few comments as you requested. See below. Backed with pleasure.

“Thinking back…from an experience he had in the war” This sentence is awkward. Also, after ‘thinking back’ you need to set off this introductory phrase with a comma.

“he said out loud” This is redundant. Unless you have instances where ‘said’ does not mean spoke aloud, then you don’t need to specify that it is ‘out loud’. This is inferred by the reader.

“suddenly grew ominously quiet” Too many adverbs here and some used elsewhere. The ly sound creates a repetitive flow in the sentence that is disturbing to readers at times. To find them, do a word search for ‘ly ’. Be sure to include the space at the end so it finds adverbs ending in ly and not words that include ly. Adverbs can be used effectively, so long as they aren’t used in close proximity to one another and not overused. However, the opposite can be said about this rule in poetry where you are looking for rhyme and rhythm in compact lines. I realize this isn’t poetry, but just wanted to make the distinction in case you also wrote poetry.

Hope this helps.
Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn