Vanished From Sight

Only to find that I have already read it in Chapter 3?

Loretta, your story concept is excellent. This has the potential of a great thriller. You need to be more inventive and cut down on unnecessary writing.

I wish you all the best in/for this novel.

Regards

Cyrus Tarmaster

Whoa! All of a sudden in Chapter 3 I start of being confused. Which house is Catherine entering? She was already in the house making a phone call and hanging up confused herself in the preceding chapter.

Again as in Chapter 2 a lot of this chapter is unnecessary writing, which needs to be pruned down. The main theme of this chapter is the 'disappearance of Ed & the life insurance he has taken out. Stick to that. When you tend to make the reader read large chunks of text that have really no bearing to the plot, the reader tends to start skipping them and moving on ahead. This is exactly what I did. In Chapter 2 I read all the extra stuff, but here I just started skipping.

Still the first chapter was so terrific that I now move on to Chapter 4

Finished with Chapter 2. Frankly a bit disappointed here, BUT don't get me wrong, it is not the story but the development of it that is disappointing. Also there are some 'easy-to-spot' errors in the script, which need corrections. I will get to that later once I explain what was disappointing. Too many paragraphs/lines/sentences/words have been used up on Catherine's getting up and her need for rest. What it does is, it forces the reader to read unnecessarily, there by deviating his mind from the actual plot. If you can try to rephrase and rewrite the first half of this chapter.

Even then it is still interesting enough to proceed to the 3rd chapter, and so on I go.

The first chapter in this novel is very very good. I am intrigued and definitely engrossed in the narrative to quickly move on to the next chapter. So on I go to it. Suffice to say here that it is definitely a good story plot and if developed properly would make an exciting thrilling read.

This is a very compelling read with the suspense needed and great writing for a winner. Look forward to it in print!
all the best
sue
Fate's Chastening

These are well written characters and an quirky plot. Your cover art is appealing too. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Vanished From Sight

[Thank you for returning my backing. T. ☼☼☼]

This is a great concept. You do a good job of maintaining the tension and pace in chapter one with the attorney running late. Same thing in chapter two with the dilemma of not having told the new boyfriend about the court proceedings. You use the opportunity to give us some back story without it being boring. Then we get the credit card bill. Magnificent. Not only that but it is going to take time for the details to be provided. Plenty of scope for more tension. Good job. Chapter three continues in the same vein. The journal you mention in passing sounds promising and the life insurance policy? Hmmph. If he’s legally dead, then will it benefit him to kill her? (The most logical plot development I can think of. Unless his will leaves the money to someone else…)

You uploaded the end of chapter three twice, I suppose to up the word count. And there are a few minor typos of the word processing variety. Size of the garage = side of the garage, for example.

Good going. I’m backing this and if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return I’d be extremely grateful. Thanks.

Hi Loretta,

This is an interesting concept, but there are a few issues that need attention. There are some missing commas and more seriously, quite a bit of repetition. For example, in chapter one 'the night before' is used twice in quick succession and in chapter two 'a longer sleep' is used twice in the same paragraph.
Also, circumstances doesn't need to be hyphenated.

I hope you will spend some time polishing this as the story itself does have promise.

Ron

I do like the short pitch but the change in POV threw me off in the long pitch. Can you stay with Catherine in both sections or possible introduce Edward sooner? It might work better. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader whether here on this website or in a book shoppe. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

This is a good story. The premise is wonderful: a missing husband, then a funny credit charge - and an odd life insurance policy and a missing friend . . . Gives the whole piece an ominous tone that kept me reading. You have a good character in Catherine. She's iikable and sympathetic because her husband disappeared after only two years of marriage. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This sounds like something I would love to see in a commerical aspect

Love the tacky marble horse in the living room.
Backed.
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

A great premise, Loretta, the vanished husband judged to be dead after seven years. The court case, after so much waiting before the day and on it, is over so quickly. Next day is ordinary until she opens the post to find 'a charge from Edward Anderson' on her credit card! 'Ed had liked speed', an early warning sign: cars, horses, gambling. The large marble horse sounds overwhelming, but not as bad as the life insurance policy. I'm beginning to suspect Ed has new money problems, and his wife is a potential solution. This needs a bit more editing (see below) but the story is a strong one that I'm happy to back.

Possible nits: 'The loud voice interrupted ... The loud voice brought', maybe make the last bit, 'His voice brought'. 'high[-]profile'. 'It was the same dream every night for a year, but now only occasionally,' need to be more like, 'It had been the same dream every night for a year, but now only occasionally' There's a tendency to sometimes repeat ideas, words and phrases; trimming back on these would make for a smoother read. The dialogue would be better with more contractions, e.g. I've, didn't, we'll, hasn't, etc.

This is something new for me to read. I love the pitch. INTERESTING STORY. Backed.
(In return, I'd to invite you to check out Bamboo Promise, if you have the time).

I like the pitch that tells us we are going to get to see two diffrent sides of the same story . I haven't got as far as meeting Edward yet but I'm looking forward to it . "A fault in his character has plunged him into stealing over a million dollars from his employer." So, that's OK then, it's not really his fault, and I'm sure his boss will understand. Good opening chapters, nicely paced as we get to know Catherine.
Backed
Ian Gosling - Lying To God

The possible return from the dead of an unsatisfactory husband. What a termendous hook for a story.
Now i'm left wondering if Edward is as dead as the court says he is, or if Catherine and her five million dollar life insurance is not quite as safe as she thought she was.
Backed

Thanks for your story, Loretta. Hope you'll read mine, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not & my unedited version, Tell Me True Love Stories of He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. Please back my books. Thanks, Susie :)

Loretta, this is a fascinating premise and your pitches are well set out and effective. Perhaps, instead of ‘Returning home from court’ you could be a little more specific – this is after all a court appearance of vital significance to the story – but it’s just a reader’s observation. I like the juxtaposition of the twin strands of your novel in the long pitch. Incidentally, just noticed ‘Catherine as a chance to start over’ should be, ‘Catherine HAS a chance to start over.’
The prologue works very well, in a dramatic sense, and I’ve broken one of my rules – the one about not looking at previous comments before adding my own – when I saw you’d had the benefit of J D Revene’s insight into your book already. I agree with JD, hard not to as he’s such an incisive reviewer, particularly about chapter two. The story sets off strongly, very well paced and well written in a distinctly engaging style that gives the reader a good idea of how Catherine got to where she is now, but the pace slackens in chapter two. We need to know some background, but try and restrict it to essential knowledge, particularly in the early stages, let the story build and really hook the reader.
There’s plenty of intrigue here, you write very well and have a strong grasp on characterization, essential with the Romance strand in particular. I’ve read all you’ve posted to date with pleasure and am happy to back this.
Jared.
Mummy’s Boy.

Loretta,

I'm returning your read of Appetites.

Strong opening, introducing your MC and putting the reader in scene.

A couple of minor observations, during Catherine's wait for the lawyer I felt that the fact he hadn't mentioned any other appointment was perhaps mentioned too often. Then in the last but one paragraph you have a sentence where I wonder if there's a missing word:

He had worked his way up to Vice President of Finance and [was] highly regarded by the staff . . .

Chapter one (by the way, why do you label the first part a prologue: this seems to flow straight on from it) opens well with Catherine's sleep troubled, as one imagines it would be.

Then in the middle there's a single paragraph from Oliver's point-of-view, mainly--it seems--to provide a description of Catherine. I'm not sure this works. If you're going to switch to his viewpoint, I feel you need to do it for longer.

Talking about the credit card you write:

She thought that she had cut up the extra card and put the extra card in the desk drawer.

Is the first supposed to be the main card? There's some repitition in this in any case, you might consider something like:

She thought she had cut up the card and put the extra in the desk drawer.

I'm a little bemused that all she can get is the state that the transaction was made in: here we get full details on the statement--store, location, ect.

Then, in chapter two, for me, the consideration of the houses goes for a tad too long before we get to the life insurance--and that is skipped over.

There's a lot of back story here, and I'm not sure we have enough tension coming in to carry us through it.

The prologue is very strong, the next chapter worked well for me--excluding that brief slip into Oliver's PoV--the third not so much.

But there's potential here and I'm happy to give it a spin on the shelf.

You have an exciting and interesting pitch, and your book takes us right into the heart of the story, with Catherine waiting in court for the judge to pronounce her seven years missing husband legally dead. We can feel the tension as she waits, and when she walks out of court, legally single again, she begins to remember back the seven years, when, 'suddenly,one day, he just disappeared.' It's not until the next morning, when the post brings a credit card bill with a huge balance, and the company reports a charge by Edward Andersen, her husband, that Catherine finds that she is still in the centre of the mystery; and as you take us back through Catherine's memories to the evening when Ed phoned to say he would be late for dinner, and then was never seen or heard of again, we are hooked in, wanting to know what happened. Catherine is a well drawn character, easy to relate to, and we find ourselves sharing her worries. You write in a straight forward, easy to read style. You might want to read through again, and remove some repetitions, such as 'for a longer sleep,' early in Chapter One. But this is a pleasantly written, absorbing book which promises much excitement to come. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

This is an excellent premise and s well written and polished! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room