Broken

Hi Mandi!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

My goodness you can certainly write dialogue. This is a powerful story which unfortunately is not unique in the world. Your experience has changed your life forever but the fact that you can share it through your writing gives us readers a valuable insight into your trauma. Shelved. Regards. Anne

Mandi,
I saw a comment from you below mine on another book. Your pitch drew me like a magnet. I have experience with hardshiips in general and autism in particular. However, my experiences have been spread over a lifetime. You've been hit hard and still so young. I admire greatly your empathy and see the strength it has given you. This shows in your writing, too. I loved your pitches and bio. Broken is straight from the heart. I love the story line and the voice. You will do well in life. I just know it.
Caroline/ KC Hart
Summer Rose

BROKEN:

Mandi,

I have the utmost admiration for you. You are an amazing young person. Only 21, and you have so much empathy and so much insight into life. So often I see terrible tragedy leading to good things. You have lost and you have gained more than you could imagine. I empathise with you because I almost lost my youngest son to teenage cancer. I wrote and was lucky to have published, a memoir about this traumatic experience (see my profile), an experience which I'm sure made me into a better person, and also triggered my writing pen - something which changed my life.

Your pitch in itself is an emotional pull. Nobody could resist reading your book. It is written from the heart, so you know the whole book will be from the heart. You have taught me a lot.

Your first person narration is riveting. It holds you in your hands, pulling you along, empathising, making you a part of the emotion.

I have nothing but admiration for this book, and I have much pleasure in backing in and wishing you all the success you deserve.

Backed.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Love both the cover and the book, good luck, backed with pleasure. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

BROKEN: Mandi, like MBirch said, this is powerful and needs to be published! In the last decade, we have had 3 school shootings in our community. As you know, no one can prepare you for the grief and outrage that occurs from such senseless tragedies. Thank you for writing this!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Your story has all the ingredients for a deep and moving exploration of loss. You've also created some authentic, 3-d characters to explore this with.

On the down side, it seemed to me to need a bit more pace, especially in the second chapter, where you're building up to Sebastian's shooting. There seems to be a longish spell of wandering round classrooms and explaining the lessons. My suggestion would be to try and make the chapter shorter and sharper.

However, I still think that the story has a lot going for it, and I will be putting it on my shelf.

Paul T.

A credible, sad, wasteful separation between a boy and his twin. Particularly natural dialogue, good description of fight scenes with natural cadence of speech and action; excellent picture of teen on hysterical rip of grief. Well done. Backed previously. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

A very compelling and unique piece of work. Your use of short paragraphs and short, snappy dialogue makes this a perfect read for your intended audience. Excellent use of imagery and character development as well. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You have some very strong characters here and a powerfully written story. Shelved.

Carol

Just read through the first couple of chapters. Very much enjoying it so far! Here are some comments.

-In the first chapter, you said something about disliking Sunday's. You don't need an apostrophe there.
-I think you do an incredible job with the dialogue of all of the kids. It sounds exactly like what kids would say, and I almost feel like they are talking to me instead of me reading their words. Exactly what I love in dialogue.
-The scene with the shooting and then in the hospital was very intense and very well written. Kept me captivated.

Great work! Backed with pleasure.

Heidi
More

I'm with Jim, the cover of this is a compelling piece of work, and then you back it up with strong characters that anyone can relate to. You've made them real, human - and that's a real achievement.

Great beginning, and I've backed you with pleasure.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

The cover did it for me, even though this is not my ususal genre. Quick tidy up and this will be a fine piece of writing. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown
ps thought it might be about plumbers at first! :D

You made my day when I read this. Even if it isn't always what people truly think- hearing it always boosts my spirits... :-)

I can feel your characters. They are very strongly depicted. Good for you. Good work. I hope your dreams come true. I would love to see your books in print and in movie format. Don't ever stop dreaming and never stop believing in yourself. Backed with pleasure
Sincerely, Gordon Kuhn

Broken:

Mandy,

From the beginning, the conversational and candid style of the narrator, his attitudes to his parents, combined with the short paragraphs, seems appropriate to the age of the narrator and in easily readable, fluous prose, makes him accessible to the YA reader, in particular.
In the dialogue between Ryder and his 8 year old sister, after initial irritation, there is a nice moment of brotherly tenderness when, noticing her cry at the prospect of her next school grade, Ryder ultimately tries to console her.
The group in the cinema are well drawn and, again, their personalities tend to be mirrored by their speech and what they have to say to each other.
With the believable and fully fleshed out characters, I cared enough about them, like Ryder and Sebastian enough, at the end of Chapter 1, to want to read on and see how they react to one another as tragedy eventually strikes.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Dear Mandi, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up. Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :)
Love, Susie :)

Dear Mandi, I love that you shared your story. It's probably based on fact. I had nightmares for 24 years after my sister died (in my 2 books listed below). Your book is very well written with feeling. It is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

First of all, I love the cover...it really grabbed my attention.

You have a pretty good story going here and the only issues I could find were technical...punctuation, grammer, etc. For the most part this reads well and with a bit of clean up I think this will do well here.

Lockjaw

Broken

This is a very impressive (and moving) story. I suspect there is a lot of the author in this, the style echoes a sense of truth. Very much enjoyed the structure of the story and the narrative, dialogue balance. However I am still struck of how this resonates with me. – Good luck

Love the kids and the narrator's voice (very teen). Autism is tough to deal with. I have an autistic nephew and my sister works with autistic children. It's like a whole different world for them. Hopefully one day science will find a way to break through. Anyway, that's not about your story, so here goes: Great realistic dialogue and a very realistic feel. I take it from your bio this is all very close to home?
It's a story that needs to be told, and needs to be read.
Shelved.
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences

I can feel your characters. They are very strongly depicted. Good for you. Good work. I hope your dreams come true. I would love to see your books in print and in movie format. Don't ever stop dreaming and never stop believing in yourself. Backed with pleasure
Sincerely, Gordon Kuhn

Hi Mandi, You’ve portrayed the more ordinary conflicts with real dialogue and kids who have loyalties. Ryder’s a strong narrator to follow and I could get involved in the scenes concerning Amanda and the boys having fight marks in school. The shooting was like those I’ve read about – unexpected and in this case, pretty mysterious since the boys don't know Lucas. It’s a good beginning to a tragic event – Shelved Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Nice action, good storyline, editing and re-editing. Hmmm. I knew I had become a writer when one day while cutting my husband's hair and agonizing over strays, I was met with an irritated, "Please stop editing my hair!" Backed.

Catherine (The Golden Thread - pls. do take a look and tell me what you think...)

You’ve picked a great topic here: a school shooting. And added to that the problem of what a twin would feel like if he lost his brother in the shooting. It’s a winning combination. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Mandi, your pitches are excellent, getting straight to the heart of the story, and what a story this is. Sadly, fatal shootings in high schools are not restricted to fiction any more and you’ve given the reader a strong reason to pen your book with the twins, Ryder and Sebastian – one a victim the other a survivor. Survival under these circumstances is a relative term of course and you take the reader into Ryder’s life to explore the devastating effect it has on him.
This is a strong theme for a YA readership and I commend you for it.
There are areas where this reveals itself to be a work in progress, like almost all of your fellow writers on the site you’ll need to edit ruthlessly, but the storyline is strong and you develop the character of Ryder in particularly very well and with great sensitivity.
There’s much promise here, you have a pleasant style well suited to the YA market, write realistic dialogue and keep the story moving well. Backed.
Jared.
Mummy’s Boy.

Mandi,
You have a good story overall. I jotted down some suggestions to consider.
I am no expert so feel free to ignore them.
I find it hard to imagine a high school boy describing his eyes – [huge blue eyes that could remind anybody of a summer sky] It sounds very elegant, but since it is in his voice, he would not likely think or speak of his eyes that way. I say this as the father of a 15 year old boy.

The description of Tatum’s friend – [Her hair was always in the same style as Tatum’s was that day.] What day are you referring to? Maybe it was the same style as Tatum’s was on any given day.

Then you’ll be in high school and you’ll have [any] worse problems.

Tiffany was technically only Tatum, Sebastian, and my half sister. Consider – Tiffany was technically only our half sister. By this time we have been introduced to the 3 sibs and will know who ‘our’ refers to.

Consider using – A little country town with a knew McDonald’s and a main street lined with old-fashioned store fronts. If you go into any small town you are likely to see a main street like that, but inside the stores you can rent DVD’s, or buy the newest iPod.

…go see Freddy vs. Jason with her this weekend. [most times less is more, consider trimming]

I had be staring at him for the past few minutes. [few moments maybe. A few minutes would be an excruciatingly long time to stare at someone.]

MickR - The Nightcrawler

An intense story I would have picked up in a store just based on the pitch. Great writing and some really memorable, relatable characters. I wish you luck with this!

Missy

Fantastic read. Charcters and and diolouge created a realistic voice. Shelved.

Mandi,

The story can be a good one, just need tightening up. I recommend rewriting the first paragraph--characters/narrators with thoughts in their heads, or waking up from a dream, or any cliche-type beginnings tend to categorize books (and writers), perhaps negatively.

Personally I would like to see something happening sooner--and then the story diving into what you currently start the book out with.

I read through chapter 1. What I see--and this is good, is someone who has the will to write (which is by far the number 1 thing you need as a writer), but needs to go through the writing/learning/rewriting process to develop as a writer. Please do not take this in a negative light (I may completely suck at writing but my intentions are good for other writers), because I want you to succeed. Keep at it and don't ever give up--you're on the right path.

Cully

Your pitch tells us of a moving, exciting story with considerable depth. You move quickly from a happy, ordinary family with the twin boys, Ryder and Sebastian, bright, likable boys more interested in skateboarding and potential girl friends than in anything else. Sebastian is interested in Amanda. There's a minor fight after the cinema. Then comes school, and suddenly, out of the blue, Lucas has a gun in his hand and is firing at the twins. And when Ryder recovers consciousness, he's told Sebastian is unlikely to live. You take us by surprise, shock us, and horrify us. Your plot is dramatic, gripping, and only too convincing. You have made Ryder and Sebastian so real to us that we feel devastated, and can empathise with the parents' grief, and Ryder's. But this is only the start of your story. How will Ryder cope with the destruction of his life? You have hooked us in effortlessly and we are compelled to read on. Your writing is excellent, fluent and readable, with authentic sounding dialogue. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Wow. What a storyline.
Backed.
All the best,
Jacquelyn Jaye
Ballroom Madness

Fantastic storyline which you portray really well. I wish you the very best of luck. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

It's sad that so many people can relate to this twin. (Coincidentally, my lead female character is also an identical twin who loses her twin under fatal circumstances) It's telling of what kind of America we live in today, children having access to weaponry. But this is about your book, and you can write very well in this genre. I found nothing to nit pick.

I usually nail people on the pitches but this time you have two good presentations. The pacing is there; the storyline is there so now the SHELVING is there.

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Great energy and pace to this emotional tale.

Needs a little editing in places but then whose dosn't (I'm doing mine at the mo)

I'll leave other people more qualified than me to point the nits out.

All I can say is this is nicely written and flows exceptionally well.

Happily backed.

Melxx

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

I don't know how to thank you- but simply say thank you and I will use your ideas gladly. You seem to know what you're doing and I appreciate your time to help me out.

Your story is fantastic. It's deep and emotion. You build up the brother-sister relationship well before you rip it apart. It's very effective.

The first chapter could use a few foreboding statements that foreshadow the tragedy in the second chapter. Something like, "We didn't know this seemingly innocent scrap would lead to something much more deadly." or "That was the last night Sebastian and I slept under the same roof." This is a technique Stephen King uses to let readers know that something bad is coming, but not telling them exactly what or when. It keeps readers hooked.

A nice touch would be if she was offended that her dad didn’t mention her bloody lip. That speaks loudly of his character.

In order to get this published, you need to clean up the grammar and typos. You should consult a literary style guide and edit carefully. Here's what I found:

This is an incomplete sentence because it lacks a subject: “Both sharing the sandy blonde hair that…” It should start like this: “We both shared sandy blonde hair that…”

You shouldn’t capitalize high school unless it’s part of a name, like Silver Springs High School.

Be careful with misplaced modifiers. In one place you say “…I told her, opening a can.” Who is opening the can? Put the modifier near the subject that’s doing the action and make it clear.

Typo: “I (fell) to the cement and my elbow burned. He got (me) square in the eye…”

I’d prefer if you didn’t use ALL CAPS so much. The more you use it, the less it means. Use it sparingly.

Also, write out four-door GMC truck.

Typo: “Sebastian was madder (than) I had seen…”


Instead of saying “3rd hour” and “4th hour” you should write it out as “third” and “fourth.” And spell out numbers lower than 20.

Typo: “Sebastian, the (bell’s) gonna ring…”

Typo: “Getting shot himself, then falling on you(.)”

Typo: “He shook his head(.)”

You are a talented writer and I'm happy to back this. Just polish it up before you submit it. You want to turn in your very best.

Good luck,

Brian
Mute

Hi Mandi
A great story - very touching. True there is some editing to be done, but you have a powerful story with loads of potential.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Your story is fantastic. It's deep and emotion. You build up the brother-sister relationship well before you rip it apart. It's very effective.

The first chapter could use a few foreboding statements that foreshadow the tragedy in the second chapter. Something like, "We didn't know this seemingly innocent scrap would lead to something much more deadly." or "That was the last night Sebastian and I slept under the same roof." This is a technique Stephen King uses to let readers know that something bad is coming, but not telling them exactly what or when. It keeps readers hooked.

A nice touch would be if she was offended that her dad didn’t mention her bloody lip. That speaks loudly of his character.

In order to get this published, you need to clean up the grammar and typos. You should consult a literary style guide and edit carefully. Here's what I found:

This is an incomplete sentence because it lacks a subject: “Both sharing the sandy blonde hair that…” It should start like this: “We both shared sandy blonde hair that…”

You shouldn’t capitalize high school unless it’s part of a name, like Silver Springs High School.

Be careful with misplaced modifiers. In one place you say “…I told her, opening a can.” Who is opening the can? Put the modifier near the subject that’s doing the action and make it clear.

Typo: “I (fell) to the cement and my elbow burned. He got (me) square in the eye…”

I’d prefer if you didn’t use ALL CAPS so much. The more you use it, the less it means. Use it sparingly.

Also, write out four-door GMC truck.

Typo: “Sebastian was madder (than) I had seen…”


Instead of saying “3rd hour” and “4th hour” you should write it out as “third” and “fourth.” And spell out numbers lower than 20.

Typo: “Sebastian, the (bell’s) gonna ring…”

Typo: “Getting shot himself, then falling on you(.)”

Typo: “He shook his head(.)”

You are a talented writer and I'm happy to back this. Just polish it up before you submit it. You want to turn in your very best.

Good luck,

Brian
Mute

Well written dialogue but a little long winded. Thats what I thought on reading the first chapter. It would only be a small edit to make it all go a little faster. However I am backing it because the story has the potential for going to the top. Take a look at mine Three Stayed Home, different to your but I hope you will like it and perhaps back it. JohnJ

Hi - this is most enjoyable, easy to read and a gripping YA story, told with finish and panache. It needs some editing and I see someone has commented about that. I wondered if he might know the age difference between himself and Tiffany, although it was fair enough to say about 1 and a half years re. the autistic child.
I also thought the description of the girlfriend was a boy'sfantasy, rather than likely to have been real. I don't think their are many girls like that (boys wish there were). Usually boys use names like slag etc. because they can't handle the thought of girls having an equally strong libido. Maybe that was the idea.
Anyway, best of luck with this fine piece of work. BACKED!
Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Shelved.

Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

Oh and go get yourself a cover. Each time you put your comments on someone’s book - it’s a small advertisement for your novel. Yep. It’s a small literal commercial. And each time you get someone to back your book and put your picture on their bookshelf it’s a small visual commercial. You need a cover that is distinctive.

I think this is very good work for someone your age. I'm impressed.

You do have some awkward moments. Sometimes you've written a sentence that reads like dialogue. Well, in dialogue - great. But in narrative it’s too casual and it makes your work seem unpolished.

Here’s what you need to do: hear it aloud. You’re missing hearing your words aloud and editing them. So, here’s what you need to do: print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

Thank you for the advice, I often think about the first paragraph and how I don't like it in this book. My others are better. I likely will change it on this one. Thanks again for the reminder. :-)

Your first paragraph is supposed to sell your book. If I were to pull that off the shelf and the first words I saw were "get lost" I might do so, and leave this behind.

Set the scene, foreshadow the story, do something, but not that.

This is a riveting read! Young adults will devour this! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Your first paragraph is supposed to sell your book. If I were to pull that off the shelf and the first words I saw were "get lost" I might do so, and leave this behind.

Set the scene, foreshadow the story, do something, but not that.

Dear Mandi,
You handle a very delicate and sad situation with sensitivity and really bring the reader in close to the story.

I wish you all the very best with this book. Backed with pleasure.
Take care,
Manolya- Love in No-Man's Land

Hi Mandi. this is incredibly sad, and written in such a way that it reads like non-fiction. i took a look at your profile and now I understand why.

The tragic loss of a twin, the family reaction --the feelings that Ryder experiences ..the anger and loss are all handled extremely well. The dialogue is written as it would be said by a 14 year old boy whose entire life has fallen apart.

Well done, I have backed your book with pleasure and congratulate you on a powerful and provocative reading experience.

Backed.
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under