Book Jacket

 

rank 2810
word count 25950
date submitted 13.03.2010
date updated 05.11.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Romance, Fantasy...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Violet's Kiss

Ayana

An ex-fey warrior, a master vampire and the Fey Queen. Violet’s life, even as a half-witch, just isn’t meant to be easy.

 

I’ve had enough trouble in my life since I became infamous for being the only witch in existence without a coven. But when Kaiden, one of my only friends and an ex-fey warrior, asks for my help in freeing his sister from the Fey Queen, how can I possibly refuse? Especially when a certain Master Vampire, who wants me as his ally – read own personal witch – offers his services in help to convince me to side with him. Trouble? I don’t even know the meaning of the word. Not yet anyway.



Cover art is done by hitomebore at http://hitomebore.deviantart.com/ and it's used with permission : )

 
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tags

, blood, fantasy, fey, kaiden, lycans, magic, mercenary, power, queen, romance, sex, vampire, vampires, violence, violet, werewolves, witch, witches

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Chapter One

When the phone rings at 2AM in the morning you know it’s never a good thing. I moaned as I dragged myself out of bed to grab the phone, cursing out loud for not having turned off the ringer. Walking across the cold hallway didn’t do anything to improve my mood either. I cursed again for still not having put an extension line into my bedroom as well. I grabbed the phone off the still ringing hook.

‘What?’ I growled.

‘Violet, is that you?’ A woman’s voice was shouting over blaring music.

‘No, it’s the other woman who lives in the apartment.’ I was grumbling into the telephone, still half asleep, not recognising the woman’s voice.

‘Violet?’ Confusion coloured the anonymous voice.

‘Yes, it’s me. Who is it and what the hell do you want?’ Okay, so I get a little cranky when I’m woken up after only a few hours of sleep. Alright, a lot cranky.  

‘It’s Grace.’ She was still shouting over the loud music and I could barely hear her.

I sighed. ‘Grace, I can’t hear you.’

‘Okay, wait a few seconds. Let me find somewhere quiet.’

I waited, resting my back against the wall, eyes closed, as I heard Grace asking people politely to ‘excuse me, please’ and ‘could I get past, thank you’. That was Grace for you. Grace Levana was polite, to say the least. She was one of those people that, even at 26, you couldn’t help but say ‘awww’ at some of the things she did. She was loving, kind and well, I guess, innocent in a way. She was sweet and nice. Yes, that was Grace in a nutshell. Nice. So, I knew that whatever she was calling me for must be important, because nice people do not call their friends at 2AM.

The blaring music quietened until it was in the background and I realised Grace must have left wherever she had been. Her voice came back on the phone.

‘Violet?’ she asked, checking to see whether I was still there or if I had decided to go back to sleep and ignore her. I had to say that the thought had crossed my mind. But she would have just phoned back.

‘Yeah, I’m here. What is it Grace?’

‘I called your mobile but it’s not working.’

‘I know. I switched it off.’ I replied impatiently, grinding my teeth, telling myself not to get angry with her. It wasn’t exactly her fault that I had only slept for a few hours.

‘Oh. Sorry. I know you were sleeping and that I woke you up but it’s…it’s Jess.’ Grace stammered out. I tried not to scream at Grace to get to the point. It was one of those things she got upset about. People screaming at her.

‘What about Jess?’ I was still waking up and was too sleepy to realise what she was saying at that point. If I had, I would have already put the phone down.

‘She…she’s at a club and…and its happened again.’

Now I realised why Grace was being so careful with what she was saying. She was trying not to upset me. Well, she had failed. I was officially pissed off. Or at least more pissed off then I had been before.

‘I don’t care if she’s being attacked by a pack of rogue werewolves. I’m not helping. Not again.’

‘Violet!’ Grace exclaimed in shock. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Don’t I?’

‘Violet, please.’ She said, avoiding the question. ‘I can’t help her on my own. You know that.’

‘Well, maybe she should have thought about that before she got herself into this mess. I can’t run to her aid every time she gets into some sort of trouble. And neither can you.’

She pleaded again. ‘Please, Violet.’

I sighed again, this time out loud, and Grace knew she had me. I couldn’t leave Jess to fend for herself. It just wasn’t in my nature to bail out on a friend, which was what Jess was. Barely. Plus, if I didn’t help then she wouldn’t be the only one in trouble.

‘Fine, where are you guys?’ I sighed.     

‘Thanks so much, I knew you would help. We’re at that new place, Generation.’

‘I’ll be there.’ I said, before putting down the phone and walking back into my bedroom. I pulled my jeans on from where I had left them on the floor and then grabbed a black t-shirt and my gun from the bedside table. I put it into the waistband of my jeans and then chose two of my knives. Strapping one to my hip and one to my forearm, I picked up my jacket and I was ready to go.

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lizjrnm wrote 796 days ago

To be 19 years old and so prolific in writing is amazing! I read the first chapter of this book and you really are talented! Plus you have the rest of your life ahead of you and I have no doubt you will be published soon! Even if it takes ten years you will be Stephen King's age when he first was published and look how amazingly well he has done! Really - you are an excellent writer and mature beyond your years and when I am old I can say I knew her back when she was just starting out! I will come back to read more later but I am backing this from what I have read so far. Also - love your cover art for both books! Good luck!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Cora B wrote 227 days ago

Fun read, however short it is at this point :) Not as exciting as Bright Eyes (yet), but still good.

You have a lot of talent, Ayana. Don't ever stop writing!

Dandoona1999 wrote 284 days ago

Wow, well done! I read through it all so quickly I almost didn't realize it was done. Please continue writing, this has been Backed.
~L

K A Smith wrote 458 days ago

Violet's Kiss

I am sure you have had some good criticism, but there seems to be a lot of it and I can't read it all to make sure I don't repeat stuff that has already been said, so forgive me if you have heard this all before. (I'm assuming my criticism is good here, aren't I? Oh Hubris.)

Well, firstly: I liked it enough to read all that you have posted and to comment on it. Thank you.

Violet is a likeable protagonist in an interesting situation with some acquaintances that seem to bode well for a satisfying plot. The characterisation is clear and has been well thought out, but there is a surfeit of description at times, occasionally (as when looking in the mirror at her hair) when it seems a little inappropriate. Everyone seems to be good looking . . .

The plot does seem to have somewhere to head off to, and a little mystery or three in the offing, plus plenty of scope for complications. Everything seems well set up. Nothing struck a false note.

Pace is generaly good to better, things keep rolling nicely, you start with Violet heading to a face-off in a nightclub and before that is resolved she has a couple of other things to sort out, nicley done, keep the challenges coming thick and fast.

Some of the dialogue needs tightening up, have you tried saying it out loud, or, even better, getting people to read it out for you? (Or recording it and listening back to it).

It needs something to set it apart early on (and throughout) from the other offerings out there, like Anita Blake--which was what this reminded me of more than anything else I could think of (Guilty Pleasures more than Skin Trade). I personally would like it if you were closer to Neil Gaiman--but that's just me.

Don't explain anything you don't absolutely have to, take as much as you can for granted, your readers will come along with you, give them scope for their imaginations to work.


I have pointed out the typos that I have noticed. I haven't done the same for grammar; partly because I was very rarely distracted from the story by the grammar, partly because I am of the opinion that a certain amount of grammatical latitude exists and it is then a matter of taste / style. Nevertheless, you suffer from some of the grammatical issues that burden me. It is worth getting to grips with this--I think the BBC have a good online style guide . . .

Chapter 1:

This is slightly slow to get going, perhaps you could have her getting tooled up and then a sort of flashback to the call?

Chapter 2:

But there was (were) other criteria you needed to get inside.

...living along side (alongside?) them...

I walked passed (past) him and the protests...

the splashes of fl(u)orsecent paint

Chapter 3:

...held more power then (than) it looked like it did...

...to talk things out then (than) just simply make her point...

I was very puzzled by the 15th century bathroom. Garderobes were odd places, you had to be wealthy to have one, mirrors were hugely expensive and were only made larger than tiny (in Europe at any rate) since the 16th century by the glassworkers of Murano.

they would have been more then (than) extraordinary

Chapter 4:

and wash their hands off of her. You don't need the 'off'.

with a gun then (than) the fact that I had one.

not to upset her in anyway. You don't need the 'in', or rephrase to in any case.

Chapter 6:

cerulean coloured blue dress... you don't need 'blue'.

The man holding Jess stopped to look at(?) over as well.

moved from behind me to go and try and (?) Jess.

...and unless you (don't?) want this club to still be standing..

Chapter 7:

Belinda suddenly collapsed both knees--I wasn't too sure that this sentence was the way you meant it to be.

The unconscious effort to hold them in will be gone. As above--I wasn't too sure that this sentence was the way you meant it to be.

I would have thought that the vampires would know that witches went critical if they got drunk . . .

I took a deep breath and the(n) let it out slowly . . .

...and had no other one to speak of--I wasn't too sure that this sentence was the way you meant it to be.

If it was an assassination then call a spade a spade, calling it a fight, then saying well... weakens it--for me anyway.

...when a witch ever left their coven voluntarily--you don't need the 'ever', if you want it, put it before 'witch'.

...that your gun(')s been rigged with magic.

I smiled then. (')Except that's all you guaranteed.

...and I could see her in the review (rear-view / rear view) mirror.

Chapter 8:

The(y) said the reason was to stop...

Chapter 9:

I laid a blanked (blanket) on top of her and checked...

Chapter 10:

The carpet was a shade lighter then (than) the walls...

I felt Kaiden was over-described.

My kitchen was (a?) big

How does she know everybody's height? Does she go around with a questionnaire or a tape measure?

I moved passed (past) him and headed back into...

He would never (otherwise?) have mentioned it (otherwise).

Chapter 11:

I thought Violet should be a little more concerned that Jess had left: her power will still be bound (presumably) and she will still have all the issues to deal with . . .

I like the rationale behind her offering to help Kaiden.

I got mixed messages with the relationship between Kaiden and Violet. I don't know if this is deliberate?

You don't have to but the fact that you will? (Why the question mark?)

bookjacket wrote 522 days ago

I can totally see this as becoming YA lit. Your main character's voice is strong. Great!

-Judith
[Twice Reborn]

gemmat wrote 540 days ago

You've set up a good story here with some interesting characters - so on that note write more please! Backed.

Gemma Thurston
The Leylan Story

DesiS. wrote 551 days ago

Good story- it immediately grabs the readers attention- good flow and an interesting heroine. I ran across some minor things to take a look at. In Chapters 7- 'Whinging' instead of 'whining'. In Chapter 10- "Nicholas is one of those guys who what he wants, he eventually gets."- doesn't make sense. Also some of the chapters are fairly short- for example chapter 9 is only 7 paragraphs- but I am not really sure if that is a huge problems or not- it's just a little unusual. Best of luck to you. Desi.

WHately wrote 625 days ago

Great that you start with action immediately as this lures me in to a genre I don't normally read. You also seem fairly prolific which is a good thing if you're looking to go Pro, which by all accounts you could manage as long as the industry trend stays with you. I'm backing this. Warren (THE WANDERER AND THE HILL et al).

AlexandraBelle wrote 641 days ago

God, I'm in love with this. You're so talented!

Backed x

Roxanne Kade wrote 658 days ago

Hi Ayana. I've added you back to my shelf and will keep you there to show my on going support.
Violet is a brilliant MC. I wish I had as much bravado as she does. She's strong and just wonderful all round. I'm hoping you will post a bit more so I can continue reading.
You are so talented and being so young gives you many more years in this game!! It will be a great pleasure the day I get to pick your book up in a bookstore. It definitely is one I have to add to my collection.
Best of luck.
Roxanne

Craig Ellis wrote 667 days ago

Hi Ayana
You have got talent girl! You have a great writing style and descriptive pattern that I do not see too often on this site. I am a reader and not a writer. My partner Craig Ellis who has a book on this account and site called "The Sun and the Saber". Pls check it out. I will get him to back your book when he comes back from the store. I had to hurry and get on the net while he was away. We have only one computer.

Keep up the good work. Keep writing!
Vi

K.A. Wilson wrote 675 days ago

I enjoyed this just as much as your other book! You have a natural talent for story telling and you have certainly found a fan in me, can't wait to find out what happens to both girls. Backed with pleasure :-)

K.A.Wilson
Hybrid

Diana-Jane wrote 688 days ago

Hey Ayana,

I've got to say that this story-line grabbed me a little more than the other one. I'm 19 years old myself and it's good to see people my age with a passion for writing.
Anyways about the pitch, I like strong characters, I find that they're really good people to build off-of. I have a great fascination for the Fey, Vampire and the in between and would love to further check this story out. Consider this story backed.

Francesco wrote 692 days ago

Another fine work! I think this would work better though if it were toned down a touch and for YAs.
Frank
Sicilian Shadows
If you back or have backed my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

Roxanne Kade wrote 715 days ago

A wonderful and intriguing story. I was hooked from just reading your pitch. The cover art on both your books is so fantastic!!Easily backed and I wish you all the best. Can't wait to read more.

Roxy

alison woodward wrote 715 days ago

wow, i like this more then the other and that was good, a job well done, backed for sure.

alison

Owen Quinn wrote 735 days ago

Great twist on monsters and the combination here works superbly. I love this and would like to see this on celluloid. The pitch hooks you and is to the point without revealing all. The writing is rich and I can see it clearly play in my head. Well done.

drachat wrote 736 days ago

Hi,

I love this book too! I think it's an imaginative take on all the "monsters" we grew up fearing and putting them in a more "human" light.

I'll happily back this too
Denise

scatteredfrost wrote 743 days ago

Hi Aynana,

Violet's Kiss is a good read. Interesting story and it moves well. The conversation is very good. Just a few nit picks...

There is some redundency in your writing. Like "2 AM in the morning" would flow better with "2 AM" or "2 in the morning" you don't need both. "I grabbed the phone off the still ringing hook" is a bit wordy too. "I grabbed the still ringing phone" might be better. A typo in the sentence "more pissed off then I" should be "than."

Backed for your imaginative story line just needs a little editing. This should sell well, the right book at the right time.

Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

klouholmes wrote 746 days ago

Hi Ayana, Good descriptions at the Generation. The need to rescue Jess got me into the story. An enticing start - Shelved – Katherine

Rusty Bernard wrote 757 days ago

Sorry, I do not always have time to comment but if I have backed your book it means that I have read at least two chapters and really like it. OK MM

SusieGulick wrote 760 days ago

Dear Ayana, I love your fiction romance fantasy, because I can escape into another world - the vampire, I think, comes & sucks out my blood every night because I can hardly get up in the morning (my memoir) because of lupus. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap before your story which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm commenting/backing your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to comment/back my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end my illness now/6th abusive marraiage." Thanks, Susie :)

AmyJ09 wrote 783 days ago

Ayana,
Finally got a chance to read your new story "Voliet's Kiss". I have to say that I liked it as much as Savannah's story. It is nice to see such strong woman (even if they are a werewolf and a witch).
I like the way you are pulling us in just enough but keeping us quessing if a realtionship maybe there between Voliet and Nicholas or even something between her and Kaiden. It is clear it could go either way or both.
Hope to see more with both stories.
Amy J
Remember the Night & A Rising Moon: The Promise

Burgio wrote 784 days ago

What an imaginative story! Good characters, good setting, good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

samoana75 wrote 785 days ago

This has a lot of potential. I get the whole Anita Blake vibe and all but you've introduced a new twist with the kind of powers Violet has. There is a lot of information dumping going on in the first few chapters which I think a re-read and edit would iron out. Some of the paras are too long and there is a bit of repetition which can be weeded out. All in all a sound premise and the characters so far are interesting although you do need to be aware that too many characters to soon may be distracting and confusing at times. Will add to watchlist and would hope that you post more soon. cheers!

Eight Rooks wrote 787 days ago

I think you definitely show some promise here; though there's an awful lot of identikit young adult/vampire/werewolf/whatever stories on this site, I did feel this was a few steps above the majority of them and deserved a decent comment. First things first; I'm going to be very blunt here, and probably kind of tactless - to me this is very obviously showing your age and lack of experience. There are any number of rules it feels as if you're plowing straight through without thinking, you make the same kind of mistakes over and over again, and to do a proper critique I'd have to take this apart line by line. (Mostly for grammar, though; the spelling was largely pretty good.) At the same time, I did still enjoy reading this to an extent, and I think you do show a clear grasp of a number of things about writing a lot of the members of this site don't seem to have a clue how to handle, young or old.

I'll try and quickly go through what I would say you ought to focus on, and hope some of it makes sense; be careful about using descriptive language too much, and too literally. You do it for people and you do it for things, and it can make your writing seem as if it's trying too hard. You shouldn't need to be constantly reminding people of all the gothic touches to the club's interior, or how Nicolas' chest is capable of making women on the other side of the room collapse, or how precisely Violet's powers work, etc., etc. Watch for repetition, too - you start off with the 'at 2am in the morning' thing, and it's something you do quite a lot, whether it's repeating the same information twice in a line, or simply pushing the point too often. Sometimes it's better to let the reader fill in the blanks - we don't necessarily need to know what sort of gun Violet's carrying, or how she never leaves the house without one, or the process of handing it over, etc., etc. All too often you drown your good lines with too much information - less of all this would have made the 'but that was okay, it meant he missed the knives' stand out a lot more.

And after all that negativity, you do write some good lines. I think your writing shows a pretty good grasp of how to do setpieces and big events - your dialogue may not be quite up to scratch, but you still seem to have a definite feel for how the back-and-forth of a confrontation works. I was mentally picking out faults all the time I was reading, but I did still keep reading - which is more than a lot of manuscripts on this site manage - and I was getting a real feeling of tension out of the standoff. I think you definitely manage to create a good narrative voice, a real impression of the sort of person your heroine is; you understand how to work wisecracks in - things like 'when you can't even cross your arms any more, it might be time to stop pumping iron' got a genuine laugh out of me - and you do manage to give her some inner life, secrets she hasn't told her friends, that kind of thing. The sense she's a person outside of what's happening in the story in the present moment.

Hopefully some of this made sense, and didn't come off as patronising or any such thing; I generally don't comment on something unless I think the book is worth it, and I'm trying to be constructive and compliment what I thought was good, even when I'm picking out a lot of things I think could be done better. Feel free to let me know if you think any of it was out of line! I hope some of these comments prove useful, but good luck with your writing either way; I definitely think you're talented enough you ought to keep at it.

blueboy wrote 788 days ago

care to swap reads?



ps. Here are a few other books I’ve found with a strong narrative voice. check them out when you have time. Dandelion and Burdock by Lesley Bown, The Spiral Pendant by Jane Holyoake , Vissi D'arte by Joanna Stephen-Ward, The Fiddler's Gun by A. S. Peterson , The Qualities of Wood by Mary Vensel White

Teric Darken wrote 790 days ago

Ayana,

You are quite a good writer! You snagged me with your first sentence: "When the phone rings at 2 am, you know it's never a good thing." Exactly! (Unless, of course, one is expecting a call at that time, or a drunken friend is "paying their respects.") But typically, no, a phone call at that time is never good- especially for the one sleeping! Your opening statement baits the reader, making them wonder: "What is the emergency or what is so dire that a call was placed at 2 am?" Thus, the reader wishes to venture forth with the story!

Grace- a clever name for such a polite lass! You, again, bait the reader with suspense, keeping us curious as to what happened to Jess. The plot also thickens as Violet picks out her knives. Something is about to go down, and curious readers want to know! Of course, curiosity killed the cat...

If I may offer one constructive point with your opening chapter: "When the phone rings at 2 am in the morning..." Delete the "in the morning," as it is redundant to say that after disclosing that it's 2 am. They are the same.

Now, just tell me that the blaring music was The Doobie Brothers and I'll be a happy camper!


Good job, Ayana! Kudos and backed!

Shalom!

Teric Darken
(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-TURN KiLLuR)

kristinnb wrote 795 days ago

This is fantastic. I'm alreadly rooting on Violet and Nicholas. I don't know if that's where you're going with it, but it seems that he likes her, and, well, she won't admit, but she likes him, too.

This is already full of action, mystery, intrigue, excitement, thrills; I LOVE IT! You are seriously a really great author. I just know that you are going to be published. Both of your books are really really good. I would buy them both, and probably every other book that you write. Violet is already the tough, bad-ass chick, that we all love, but is willing to help and protect her friends - even at 2 am in the morning. I would have been just as cranky.

Anyway, let me know when you post an update on either of your books. I want to read them when you do.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

lizjrnm wrote 796 days ago

To be 19 years old and so prolific in writing is amazing! I read the first chapter of this book and you really are talented! Plus you have the rest of your life ahead of you and I have no doubt you will be published soon! Even if it takes ten years you will be Stephen King's age when he first was published and look how amazingly well he has done! Really - you are an excellent writer and mature beyond your years and when I am old I can say I knew her back when she was just starting out! I will come back to read more later but I am backing this from what I have read so far. Also - love your cover art for both books! Good luck!

Liz
The Cheech Room

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