Riding the Rails

RIDING THE RAILS
This is a good story. The beginning immediately takes a reader back in time when a copy boy grabs the reporter’s paper from the typewriter; a good reminder things of that kind weren’t always submitted just by pushing a button. You continue with good descriptions: the train, the turned out town . . . I like the way you italisize Henry’s internal thoughts; made me feel I was thinking those things along with him. Overall, a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Back to Chapter One: See last two sentences in the first paragraph in which the word 'article' is repeated. At the least the second one should be substuted by'it'. The whole thing would be smoother if you condensed these two sentences into one.
If you read the rest with this example in mind you will find similar examples. As it is at present the prose is a little ponderous.

Thank you for the imput....I'vve tried uploading edited chapters and really had a terrible
time doing that so I believe that some of this was corrected, but I will check again. Those little
things do count when you're a reader, just stops you in your tracks, so I'll try and check it
out. I'm not sure what parts need pruning. As an author you never want to have to prune anything
but if you can give me a hint, that would help, Thanks again, Susan

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

Hi Susan

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

At the end of Ch 2 I changed the word to 'fled' rather than escape. I think that fits better. Once again I appreciate your comments. Every little bit helps.

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

read the first four chapters, my usual, it reminds me a lot of a black and while hollywood movie, something you might find still playing on some movie channel, starts with the drama, and uses flash back and a boy's story to fill in the picture, gives a glimpse of the depression and the resulting "hobo" culture, really a profound part of american culture, something kind of lost in today's focus, but whose effects still reverberates, the prose moved well - did not bog down in description or strain to fill in details, artful, i am going to back it

Thank you for your review. Few people take the time and I appreciate it.

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Thank you for your very kind comments. I do appreciate that you took the time to leave a note.

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

Thank you for your comments. It would help to know if you found this all the way through or if you saw it only in the first chapter. I appreciate the comments though. They help me understand what editing I need to do.

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Thankyou. You know I had to laugh. I loaded the first chapter a dozen times after a dozen revisions and the site always sent me an error message. I think I forgot about checking for errors and just tried to get the dang thing up so it could be read. I do appreciate the time you took to point out my errors. It is appreciated.

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and support.

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I do hope you have a chance to read more and I hope you continue to enjoy RtR.

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Thank you for your comment.I got the idea after spending three years studying the Rom (Gypsies) and their language. I do hope you find the time to read on but I realizze most of us get to two or three chapters and have to move on. Once again thankyou. Susan

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I will consider your suggestions.

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Thanks. Please fill free to talk about the weaknessaswell as strengths if you should read on.No one can improve if they don't have honest criticism. I think that's why I review chapter by chapter so that the writer knows what I think. I do believe there is a different sound to the writing between 'American' and "British' writing. But I do like the British way of thinking even if I don't understand all the slang.

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

Thankyou, that's very kind and generous of you. I understand about the need to find space.:)

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

Riding the Rails is on my watch list. Laurence (Winchester) Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Good heavens, that was quite the thorough appraisal and much appreciated. I don't know if I have fans or people read the first three paragraphs and comment just so I will read their work. I do think that your comments are very worthy and I will take care to look at and possibly revise. I think the first three chapters (and the ones agents read) are the most importat. You know if you read something a million times you lose perspective and I think I've read my book at least two million.

Once again I believe that you may have caught the essential errors. Thanks so much for commenting and I look forward to reading more of your work. You caught me out laughing a dozen times through 'Tango.." Keep on dancing..... Susan

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Hi Susan,
You've been so hardworking on my book, I thought I should comment on yours. I don't promise to read it all but I'll try for useful writing tips.

Chapter 1.

1. Although not always done, I advocate an arresting first sentence as a hook to draw in the reader: something discordant that makes the reader want an explanation. Example: "Gypsies derailing trains makes for a good story; it beats lucky heather and fortune telling every time."

2. This is a serious point. It is very clear that the p.o.v. (point of view) is Henry's and there is no chance the reader will misunderstand. You find it necessary to expressly attribute to Henry every word he says or thought he has. We want the words and the thoughts, but we don't need the attribution: the reader can do it for himself and you should only clarify the point where there is a risk of ambiguity. The superfluous words are a drag on your prose which could be much crisper. I suspect this will be true throughout and you need to follow through when you next do a general edit.

3. Generally you are pretty good in not including superfluous adjectives and adverbs but there are one or two that could be pruned, especially adverbs. If dialogue is well-written, the reader can generally tell from words and context the tone in which it is spoken.

3. Henry is bland and under-drawn This is surprising when one considers how dominant his p.o.v. is. From reading my stuff you will have realised that I regard characterisation as extremely important, though it depends on the genre. There are three elements in drawing characters: visualisation, characterisation and backstory. (1) Visualisation is necessary for the reader to be able to see the scene. It comprises description, speech and manners. For practical purposes all characters have to be visualised at the earliest opportunity. At the end of this chapter I didn't feel I knew clearly if Henry was old or young, handsome or ugly, world weary or fresh, a bachelor or married, eager or going through motions. There are hints, but not enough. (2) Characterisation tells us what sort of person we are dealing with, and it is done through clothes, speech, appearance etc, much as visualisation , and not necessarily by directly discussing character. Think of my character "Pennyweight" and how much you know of him from his opening remarks, his hairy suit, his weight and his red hair. Description is full of social and psychological signifiers and the reader will interpret them from his own knowledge. You need attend to characterisation only for important characters and it can be paced more slowly than visualisation. Because you indicate so little, Henry comes across as a boring small-town reporter. He shouldn't. If he is and is not the key character, you probably need to start your book from another point or p.o.v. (3) Backstory is the particular history of the character. It need be revealed only in as much and when it is necessary to explain how the character comes to be in the situation or his thoughts or actions. We do not have a backstory for Henry but I did not strongly feel it was missing at this point. On the other hand, when you characterise him more fully, you may want to support the characterisation. For example, if H is world weary, you may want to say he has been with the paper for 30 years (or whatever).

4. As with the beginning, you could probably do with a punchier close to the conversation with Charlie. Example: "If you don't talk, people are going to think you were his accomplice. In this state they hang you for that." Or whatever.

I hope these comments are constructive and repay your kindness in part.

On an unrelated subject. Simply for fun you might like to look into my HOW TO BE A CHARLATAN AND MAKE MILLIONS. I'm not looking for comment or backings; simply to give pleasure.

Jim
DEATH AND THE TANGO IN MADEIRA

Thank you.

Lovely setting, interesting period, lovely plot line. Highly starred and highly recommended. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM also
A FEAST OF TALES under the avatar of Good for Her

Lovely setting, interesting period, lovely plot line. Highly starred and highly recommended. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM also
A FEAST OF TALES under the avatar of Good for Her

Many Thanks for your comment on Undo Redo

I started reading your Opus, and thought I will give you my comments before I forget

What first impressed me is your wonderful sense of place. Historical pieces are in essence science fiction in reverse. That is they live and die by the author's ability to paint a picture of an alternative universe we have never seen. The period language and imagery thus are key.

And this you do very well

Please receive my heartfelt applause

David

Thank you for your comment and backing. It is much appreciated.

Great, great premise. Seems like a period in America's history that few know of. I enjoyed the presentation of the first chapter, mixing an "in-the-works" article with the actual narration.

Great, great premise. Seems like a period in America's history that few know of. I enjoyed the presentation of the first chapter, mixing an "in-the-works" article with the actual narration.

Thank you for leaving a note. Others have commented on the retitious use of names. I'll think that over as it seemsto be mentioned often. I do hope you'll find a moment to read beyond the first chapter or so. Anyway, again, thankyou.

I like your style, brief descriptions leaving plenty to the imagination. You got it so right with the intense August heat when the reporter left the office, it really gave belief to his article regards the fire. I did come across one fault, repetition, the number of times you use a characters name over a number of consequtive sentences, i noted that on quite a few occasions that no name was required at all as the character, espically during speech seemed obvious.

I like your style, brief descriptions leaving plenty to the imagination. You got it so right with the intense August heat when the reporter left the office, it really gave belief to his article regards the fire. I did come across one fault, repetition, the number of times you use a characters name over a number of consequtive sentences, i noted that on quite a few occasions that no name was required at all as the character, espically during speech seemed obvious.

Thank you for your comments. I added your book to my watchlist. As always I am usually short of time. I try and read one book each night. I hope to get to yours soon. Thanks again. Susan

HI SUSAN ' RIDING THE RAILS'

Depression and America in the 30s. this so well researched and well written book is an outstanding read. as i read it the thought crosses my mind . what a great film this story would make, poor charlie the hero and having to become a hobo a nine years of age. as i read the chapters i just had to keep turning the pages i got so engrosseed in it, wil have to read more. everything about it is so authentic and real ,however shocking the shocking the subject matter is, hope we don't ever return to that, it a historical reas that will last
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
please read some of mine and if you like it back star and hopefully comment thanks

Thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to leave a note. What specifically needs to be done about the text. Just a hint would help. Thanks.

I found this by accident, just browsing around. Could be a gem with a lot of work on the text. The story and setting is excellent. Good Luck

I found this by accident, just browsing around. Could be a gem with a lot of work on the text. The story and setting is excellent. Good Luck

A wonderful start to your novel. You've painted the scene incedibly well and raised numerous questions regarding the train wreck, Charlie, and Moses Pulani, and how they are all connected. Henry's narrative is very believable, coming as it does from a reporter's perspective.

One nitpick. You have long stretches where there is only narrative, particularly after the news story Henry has typed. You may want to put in some dialogue to break it up.

Great read! Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Thank you so much for such an insightful review of RtR. It's apparent that you actually read most of it. I do appreciate the heads up on errors and ways to reword something. After awhile the writer just cannot see the 'forest for the trees'. Once again, thank you for your flattering comments.

The cynical reporter has enough humanity to see the complexities of the story and the nature of the boy, 'The son was savvy, the father wasn't'. He can also see the bigger picture, the town like a three-ring circus with twin disasters and a murder to enliven the more mundane misery of everyday life. Back to the narrow focus and 'mama' contrasted with 'my father'. Then we switch to Charlie, learn of his beating aboard the train, and the rescue and subsequent befriending by the apparently notorious Gypsy.

The writing is a delight: 'silent steel behemoths', 'soft pinks and salmon hues in the east', 'the dry, husky whisper of old corn stalks'. And the characters magnetic - a fascinating contrast between the young kid with an instinct for self-preservation and lying, and an independent streak, and the mysterious and charismatic Gypsy - the one following the other like a stray dog. It's been an education so far, for Henry, for Charlie, and for the reader, and it looks like continuing as the story follows the life of a hobo, from trouble into even greater trouble ... backed

Possible nits: 'smelling horse manure ... the smell [reek / odour / stench?] of earth mixed with dirty oil. The smells alone'. 'weight in the kid[']s words'. 'about the boy was the kid's willingness', 'his' would be better than 'the kid's' here. 'further then [than] that'. 'He washed quickly...' I expected him to examine his bruises at this point.

The cynical reporter has enough humanity to see the complexities of the story and the nature of the boy, 'The son was savvy, the father wasn't'. He can also see the bigger picture, the town like a three-ring circus with twin disasters and a murder to enliven the more mundane misery of everyday life. Back to the narrow focus and 'mama' contrasted with 'my father'. Then we switch to Charlie, learn of his beating aboard the train, and the rescue and subsequent befriending by the apparently notorious Gypsy.

The writing is a delight: 'silent steel behemoths', 'soft pinks and salmon hues in the east', 'the dry, husky whisper of old corn stalks'. And the characters magnetic - a fascinating contrast between the young kid with an instinct for self-preservation and lying, and an independent streak, and the mysterious and charismatic Gypsy - the one following the other like a stray dog. It's been an education so far, for Henry, for Charlie, and for the reader, and it looks like continuing as the story follows the life of a hobo, from trouble into even greater trouble ... backed

Possible nits: 'smelling horse manure ... the smell [reek / odour / stench?] of earth mixed with dirty oil. The smells alone'. 'weight in the kid[']s words'. 'about the boy was the kid's willingness', 'his' would be better than 'the kid's' here. 'further then [than] that'. 'He washed quickly...' I expected him to examine his bruises at this point.