Book Jacket

 

rank 972
word count 16336
date submitted 15.03.2010
date updated 29.10.2010
genres: Young Adult, Popular Culture, Harpe...
classification: adult
incomplete

READER MEET AUTHOR

N S Calcutt

I've spent a healthy percentage of my time on Earth masturbating and watching Coronation Street. Not at the same time, obviously.

 

Back in that small bedroom we both began to get undressed in total silence. The only thing that was keeping me from shrieking and exiting by the nearest window was the thought that she was probably even more worried than I was. I avoided looking across at where she was getting changed to avoid her any embarrassment. I climbed tentatively under the duvet and she climbed into bed beside me in a pale blue Minnie Mouse nightie. I must admit, it’s pretty difficult to think passionate thoughts when you’ve got a cartoon mouse in a big pink bow, staring back at you. We’d started kissing and I’d let my hands wander but, to be honest, I was pretty glad when she’d stop me cos I wasn’t exactly too sure what to do if I’d have got to where they were wandering. To tell you the truth, I was happy just lying there kissing, but I felt like she’d think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t try it on with her.
Chapters 1-3 uploaded. Complete..

 
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tags

, autobiography, comedy, death, fiction, love, manchester, real life, school, sex, teenage angst

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124 comments

 

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Beval wrote 533 days ago

What on the surface appears to be a humourous rant at life and all its geneal rubbish, is in fact a deeper and far subtler book. Underneath is an aching sorrow and pain I found very touching. The sadness contrasted against the raw wit is a clever device and makes for a highly readable book, albeit one that stops you in your tracks every now and then as the point is driven home.

Bocri wrote 645 days ago

04 May 2010
12:40
Being brought up in a barber's shop is not the only similarity that our hero has with Kenneth Williams. The at times sharp but never gratuitously cruel humour, the self deprecating asides and the sheer brilliance of transposing the everyday mundane and humdrum into a comedic tale delivered with the skill of a born raconteur is also reminiscent of the sadly departed comedian. It should be noted that imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery - originality of the same high standard is. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Tom B wrote 670 days ago

Brilliant, very funny. I can't think of anything to improve upon. The style of angry from Manchester is perfect.

The stuff in Chapter 1 about lives and stuff is so true.

Going on my shelf.

Burgio wrote 671 days ago

This is a moving story. It takes courage to write this type of book because you expose so much of yourself by doing that. A strength of it is your writing style; it's fresh and clear and makes a reader want to keep reading to see how all of this plays out. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

mikegilli wrote 664 days ago

This is affectionate and engaging,,,and VERY funny.
We identify totally with you.
Shelved with congratulations. No errors found
mikegilli The Free

Jue Shaw wrote 112 days ago

Now this I love!!! Dry, humourous, who gives a f**k attitude, it has it all. I am so surprised that this isn't on the bookshelves already, there is a huge readership for it, IMO. You are indeed a talented writer, in fact the only crit I have is that you used a stylistics LP to shatter in your story. I love the stylistics! Couldn't you have found a broken Cliff album? Anyway, brilliant. Love it.

Mark Kirkbride wrote 113 days ago

Really entertainingly expressed and one can't help nodding in agreement and/or smiling at most of it. Loved the stuff about the croissant, birthdays, the hollowness of New Year - could go on and on. Just one thing, to try and say something useful, don't think you need commas and brackets around 'and I didn't take much notice of it at the time'. Only read chapter one so far but the pay-off line alone is enough to bring one back for more. Worth the wait. :)

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Samiha K wrote 156 days ago

Bravo!

It amazed me to see how good this is.
You are a truely talented author and this is a style I am very fond of... a true picture of life.
Wish I could have read it before. Today's Litterature misses meaningful stories and characters.

Wish you all the Best

Conchobar wrote 227 days ago

I like your style.

KnutsfordtoKnightsbridge wrote 322 days ago

The teaser paragraph isn't enough. I want more of this book. When can I get it?

Pen Power wrote 513 days ago

Marvellous! Love your writing style. Love the situations you describe and your feelings about them - priceless!
Make me laugh a lot.
Backed without any hesitation
Alice

homewriter wrote 526 days ago

Hi NS, This is so funny. I could not resist getting on with the first chapter and I'll be back for more. Hilarious and engaging! Well written into the bargain! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

J.S.Watts wrote 531 days ago

Polished, humorous and at times thoughtful.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

name falied moderation wrote 531 days ago

Dear N.S.

loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Sly80 wrote 532 days ago

It's amazing how, out of the blue, a sudden obscenity can perfectly underline a mood. I hadn't realised until that point, how in danger the croissant pool was of drying up, nor of how much you wanted one. Anyway, I'm not long into this account until I'm sniggering and laughing out loud. (I so too agree about New Years Eve - you have to be in the pub by 6pm and everyone's blind drunk by 9pm.) You're on your own with sudoku, though.

Towards the end of chapter 1, a certain measure of perspective permeates the moaning, preparing for the slightly more sombre beginning to 2. Regrets. 'So you see, I tried to make her happy and I ended up making her feel bad about herself'. I'd maybe try to argue but ... no one's going to dwell on that when they see the end of the chapter - you're friggin' stepmum!!!

Love the plan to hide the hole in the knee, but I doubt it'll work. Yep. Then a diversion to hairdos and pretty girls and almost anything rather than get to the point! Oh ... no wonder ... monopoly money. Then granny and dementia and the funerals and priests, 'at least get a fucking ventriloquist or a comedian'. This moves tangentially to the stepmother's cooking to the dog and back to the sister and the funeral...

I get the feeling you're not really a people sort of person, NS, and maybe have a bit of a temper issue. I suspect you also think outside the box, the room, the house, the planet... I was rather looking forward to the Minnie Mouse incident, but I guess that means I'll have to buy the book ... backed.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 532 days ago

Send me the book and I will sit alone in a corner smirking to myself. This is really very good and it deserves to do very well if we ever find someone who appreciates comedy and publishes it. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Richard Maitland wrote 533 days ago

Oh, I absolutely loved this. Not so much an Adrian ("Just my luck!") Mole for the 21st century, or the rantings of a Roger (Seasonal Suicide Notes) Lewis, as a piece of extremely funny philosophical angst written in that elusive quality -- voice. Anger, frustration, sarcasm, admiration, love, scorn, and, above all, the sense of RAGE --- it's all there, in the writing. And THAT, as the narrator says, is fucking THAT.

My only criticism: the Short Pitch. It does bugger-all for the book and in fact is quite uninviting. But you don't have to go far for a better one -- it's right there, in Chapter 1:

"I've spent a healthy percentage of my time on Earth masturbating and watching Coronation Street. Not at the same time, obviously".

Backed with pleasure.

Beval wrote 533 days ago

What on the surface appears to be a humourous rant at life and all its geneal rubbish, is in fact a deeper and far subtler book. Underneath is an aching sorrow and pain I found very touching. The sadness contrasted against the raw wit is a clever device and makes for a highly readable book, albeit one that stops you in your tracks every now and then as the point is driven home.

beegirl wrote 534 days ago

I am thinking about making your book part of the reference section of my persoanl library. Everytime i feel bad about my life I shall take it out and read a bit. What fun! This should not have a red arrow.
Barbara

Pat Black wrote 535 days ago

Brilliant - you struck an awful lot of nails on the head with this one. I like the way your weariness at the start gives way to blistering cynicism. As a fellow with a birthday at an unfortunate time of your, I also sympathise with your January 6th woes. Hilarious - and somewhat scary - ruminations on the stuff of life and death, and the line that stopped me in my tracks: "To the best of anyone's knowledge, that is fucking that." Great stuff

Pat Black
Snarl

CarolinaAl wrote 552 days ago

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, you provide us an engaging comedic story. Fascinating characters. Rich imagery. Polished writing. Brilliant wit. Backed.

GK Stritch wrote 554 days ago

Dear NS Calcutt,

Hmmm, I could use your short pitch to describe my manuscript, too, Charlie Brown.

Reader Meet Author backed and best wishes.

(I think I remember your name from when I first came to Authonomy in April and didn't know how to work the system, so sorry for the delay.)

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

scorselo wrote 555 days ago

A very humorous read good writing quite enjoyable

Backed
Scorselo

Eveleen wrote 555 days ago

Reader Meet Author
I've read the 1st chapter, it's engaging
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Johanna Kern wrote 572 days ago

Total fun to read!

Total fun life and fiction you've had! It takes a very intelligent mind to be able to examine oneself with such humor and skill. Terrific story -- both amusing and vulnerable - a true pleasure to read.

You are a superb writer!

Backed with great pleasure and a big smile on my face.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Andrew Foley Jones wrote 575 days ago

Splendid comedy
Taking the Michael out of oneself is a real winner
Difficult to carry out, but you do it with some style
well played

Margaret Anthony wrote 576 days ago

Refreshing to read such a candid and amusing tale. Observing one's life at times can be mundane but you've side-stepped that with your approach.
Making such stuff sound funny is a definite talent of which you have plenty of.
I think you rely too heavily on the f-word which started to be tiresome, that apart a well written jaunt down you life-path which is worth backing. Margaret.

Kidd1 wrote 585 days ago

Hilarious...life is stark, but your voice makes situations, mundane or mean, laughable. BAcked.

I hope you will give mine a read, and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

Dadoo wrote 588 days ago

After reading your first chapter, I'd like to say "Sucks to be you", but it's way too similar to my own experiences in life to say that.:-)

I like your observations, and mildly self depreciating tone.

Your take on the big "con" is bang on. It reminds me of life insurance..."But if you Die, you Win! You get way more money back than what you paid into it."

er... Wait a minute... :-)

Good Job, I needed a laugh today.

No stranger to the P45 wrote 605 days ago

Very good. One of the funniest pieces I've read to date and I wish you all the best. Are you going to upload any more? I particularly enjoyed Chapter 1 and the Life deal. Backed.
Dan W.Griffin
No stranger to the P45

John Connor wrote 606 days ago

As mentioned below, the writing has a very personal, conversational, audio quality about it that put the content across excellently. Which, of course, leads onto the question of whether or not you might think of selling this via podcasting, in order to give it more impact/show potential to an agent or publisher?

Backed with pleasure, and enjoyed for the dry humour as well.

Gail_M wrote 622 days ago

I love the voice in this! It's so natural, so real, and so very true. I love the humour, and the sardonic view of life, the way it's written ... can't find fault, to be honest.

I noted some comments on grammar and tense. The reader(s) clearly don't hear the accent/dialect in the voice, but I do - don't change anything!

I've only read chapter one so far, but I'm backing this now and will come back to read the rest later.

Best wishes
Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

acmlee wrote 624 days ago

Hi NS - Sorry about the delay but I finally got round to checking out the first three chapters of 'Reader Meet Author' as prmoised.
Curious pitch! Must confess the first paragraph sounds almost too self-depricating and almost put me off but the rest made me curious. That aside this looks like good work. The first person narrative works for me (thats how I wrote my effort btw!) with realistic dialogue and a natural pace. Backed with pleasure.
Adrian Lee

Sarah Williams wrote 625 days ago

Hi,

I really enjoyed this. The narrator is very entertaining, which I think is very hard to pull off due to how negative they are. The humour and pathos are well balanced, especially when the mother's death is brought into the story in the second chapter. I thought that the conversational style was perfectly pitched for this type of story. Backed.

sarah

Daniel Manning wrote 627 days ago

Understanding the introduction aspect of Reader meets Author, I think we've already met. Anyone from the British working class could associate themselves with this story down to stingy Dad, and the comphrehensive school that cut a bit rough. The good old days, but as the author clearly illustrates in his bouncy monologue, maybe not so good. The author does'nt give us a rant about how bad those days were either, and thats refreshing. This does,nt come across as a book about working class injustice, but a story about life being unjust, and after the failure of the ice cream con, unjust indeed.

I'm backing Reader meets Author because school might be out, and alas out for good it seems, but thats not to say I can't peer back.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.

S.C. Thompson wrote 627 days ago

So N.S.,
Eyes wide open, you call it like it is. Well done! If I might invilte you to read ch. 8 of my book "Viene La Tormenta", you might find a kindred spirit hailing from the west side of the big pond. I think more people than would like to admit it share your perspective of "advanced civilization". At least my main character, Terry does.
My mother was born on Jan. 8th, and everything you hated about the 6th, was true for her too. It does seem like a rough bit of luck . . .
You really have done a bang-up job on this. And your title is so immediate, it just gets right to the gist of your hilarious and empathic rant. I think there are a lot of prospective readers out there who would identify with your anti-hero.
SC
(Viene La Tormenta)

Andrew Burans wrote 628 days ago

Your first person narrative coupled with your highly descriptive writing style makes your finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. I especially like your humour and observations on life. Your work is well paced, well written and your use of imagerey is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Penny J wrote 631 days ago

Just finished reading it and I must say it is a very good and funny read. I like how you've written in as a 'story' rather than an autobiography.
It made me laugh in places and feel very sorry for you in others.
Keep up the good work.
I'm glad I got to read it.
Penny

eloraine wrote 631 days ago

Really, really good, funny and wonderfully written, good luck. Backed. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

A. Zoomer wrote 631 days ago

TITLE had me backing you immediately.

Feedback on the Pitch-
The sequences? of humiliation keep coming at me to define my life story. it is ending isn't it?? how is embarassment different to humilitation?
total silence? why total.
Not sure I would include"I must admit"."to be honest", pretty, to tell you the truth, just ,cos, with her.
STOP wrong tense
But I love the idea.
A Zoomer
Going Out in Style

Mediocre Writer wrote 632 days ago

A funny, entertaining insight into the downsides of life. It flows well, the language accessible and unpretentious, although I thought the f-word was used a little too often (maybe I'm just being prudish!) All in all, though, a good read.

Iva P. wrote 638 days ago

Quite in the Adrian Mole’s category, Reader Meet Author is an entertaining memoir peppered with astute observations. I read five chapters without an ounce of boredom. The text needs some editing. For starters, I’d delete all “really” and “used to”. Backed yesterday.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Suzanne Adams wrote 638 days ago

Intriguing title and one that no author could pass up! Reader Meets Author is exquisitely both charming and excruciating - the pitch alone had me reading thru' my fingers! I think that you are conveying your Mancunian roots using first person vernacular and I'm not quite sure if publishers go for that? There's a tendency to fall into the trap of repetition. Read aloud as for an audio book. Stuff will become much clearer. When you've brought it more up to speed why not try a local-to-Manchester small press I think you could get lucky!

vanessa musson wrote 640 days ago

My partner's birthday is 6th January, and he feels exactly the same about it as you. Everyone is partied out and skint, and the taking down of Christmas decorations is like a fibre optic attempt at pathetic fallacy.

And he falls asleep during films and swears a lot, also for missing so much of the films.

Very funny and thought-provoking stuff! There is indeed far too narrow a window of freedom to enjoy life, whilst also remaining solvent and continent.

Backed.
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

JMCornwell wrote 644 days ago

Pronoun usage is off. "...he'd start talking to you..." The MC is the one who has a problem with his father's tangents, so it should be ...talking to me...

I was confused about what date the narrator meant. The date should begin the first paragraph and not be above it in order to avoid confusion. The lead is buried. Should be closer to the beginning of the chapter.

"There's loads of coffee shops..." There are loads of coffee shops. The verb should be plural since the subject is plural.

Needs a good edit and proofread.

There is a snarky humor to this that skirts the edge of a real boring whining whinge, an edge that is razor sharp. I feel sorry for the guy right off the bat and can empathize with some of his situation because some have happened to me and I remember what happened. The anger is done well without being too overwhelming and there is a definite wit and sense of humor that makes it all work. This is different from anything out there with just the right blend of anger, humor, wit and whine to make the narrator sympathetic without being a real loser.

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 644 days ago

Funny and very smart, this is the kind of thing all teens think about! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

scatteredfrost wrote 645 days ago

Reader Meet Author is a hoot. You have a very informal style which suits your story.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Bocri wrote 645 days ago

04 May 2010
12:40
Being brought up in a barber's shop is not the only similarity that our hero has with Kenneth Williams. The at times sharp but never gratuitously cruel humour, the self deprecating asides and the sheer brilliance of transposing the everyday mundane and humdrum into a comedic tale delivered with the skill of a born raconteur is also reminiscent of the sadly departed comedian. It should be noted that imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery - originality of the same high standard is. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

S Richard Betterton wrote 645 days ago

You made me go through a range of emotions reading this. From the hilarious and embarrassing situations in the pitch and ch 1, to the really sad and poignant moments with your mum in ch 2. And those bastard neighbours with that LP, and what a nighmare ending to that chapter! Great voice, a great read. Backed.

Fredric Sinclair wrote 646 days ago

Can't resist another misanthropic protagonist. Mine's on the other side of the pond, as they say. Nice job.

lizjrnm wrote 646 days ago

If misery needs company than count me in! This is honest and funny even if sad at times. I love the tongue in cheek manner in whhich you write and you certainly have a gift for the narrative voice. BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Kit Small wrote 646 days ago

Heya,

You write how someone I know talks - and that made it all the more real for me. A thoroughly enjoyable read, funny but not hillarious to the point of slapstick or over the top and trips along rantingly (I know that's not a word) without boring to the point where very little had happened at the end of the first chapter but I wanted to keep going anyway. Good luck!

Kit
Blue Fire

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 646 days ago

This is good writing and a good story. I thought I was in for a little comedy when I read about the bad luck and the coffee shop, but this is much more well rounded. The tone changes as the reade presses on and all of it is engaging. The ice cream scam was my favorite.

Lockjaw

Lj Trafford wrote 647 days ago

I do think you have hit upon the cumdgeony that affects you when you hit your 30s and this is a light, easy read. I did start to find the diversions in the story a bit annoying to be truthful, you'd start one story then divert into taking about something else and then take us back with a 'anyway' or 'as I was saying' type of intro. I think, for me, it would have worked better to have shorter, punchier chapters with each tale self contained.
Also you mention too many times that your memory is not great, tiz true of all of us, we can only pull certain scenes from our minds, certains feelings so I don't think you need to keep emphasising this.
Anyway it is refreshing to read a true life story that is more fixed to the ordinary, the everyday rather than the over the top misery fests. Ordinary lives should be celebrated, commerated, and cringed about too.

Luk7 wrote 647 days ago

Really like the style of this. Compulsive reading. A positive reaction from me is no hotline to mainstream success since a lot of books I love are far from big sellers - but it seems I'm not alone in liking this. Backed. Luk

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