THE STORIES OF RHYS - book one "The Great Orme"

Having known the author for some time I have had the privilege of reading all seven books in The Stories of Rhys series. I can tell you that it is a fantastic story and an epic piece of children’s literature. Rhys has to overcome many problems before he finally becomes the dragon he really is, and the story expands dramatically as you go with him on this mystery adventure that is based on real locations in North Wales. Gelert is Rhys’ mentor who helps him to face the black dragon Ieuan who is truly evil, and Rhys is Ieuan’s nemesis. The atmospheric slate mines of Llanberis are the perfect backdrop for this titanic conflict. It is a very human story portrayed by dragons and it is as good a series of children’s books that you will ever read. It will take a very special publisher to take on this extraordinary book series.

Chris,

This is an absolutely delightful book. You capture the reader wonderfully with Rhys, and his mannerisms are perfect for a child of your target audience. The added mystery and appeal of dragons and the larger concept you are constructing only add to the intrigue, and it's sure to keep kids (and their parents) turning the pages.

Chapter one is mostly the take-off point for the story, and you have done a fantastic job of setting the scene and building the characters. When you introduce the mystery of his father in chapter two, I was left with mixed feelings – both excitement at the prospect of a great father figure and dread about what might have become of him. A mighty red dragon much like one adorning the Welsh flag, perhaps? The reality of your setting, Snowdonia and all of that makes this a wonderfully grounded piece. It's rooted in what we know, and that makes it all the more fantastic.

Chapter three brings with it another hook – the mysterious pursuers, captivating and a real page turner. This is exactly the kind of thing that would appeal to a wide audience, including a young male readership, which is a great market to get into.

All in al I found this wonderfully put together, but I did notice the following technical problems recurring throughout. Polishing these up could take it to outstanding levels. I've included some examples below.

Contractions in narrative that's not first person, such as yours, might be frowned upon by a few grammarians. E.g. "He wasn't very old"
Don't forget the commas before direct address, such as "When will I be able to fly [,] mummy?" (I think mummy should also be capitalised in this instance.
You also need to punctuate your dialogue. You will require punctuation marks such as commas or full stops within the spoken words of this piece.

Again, brilliant stuff.

Abi xxx

What a lovely book. I'm from Llandudno so know very well the places being written about. However, the descriptions are so vividly written that I'm sure anyone can quite easily visualise these beautiful places. I have read the book to my son and my daughter, slightly older, has read it herself. They're enthralled by it, and I must admit at the age of 48, I really enjoyed it myself!! It leaves you wanting more, and that in my opinion is the mark of a good book. Good luck Chris, I really hope someone out there realises your talent and unleashes Rhys to the world.

An absolutely wonderful book! I seriously recommend it. It is a great way of introducing the past history of Wales to schoolchildren nowadays. The fact that it is based around actual places makes it even more visual! Not only is this extremely interesting for children but I think that many adults will enjoy reading it! I want to know what happens next!!! I really wish that this book gets to the top because I certainly think it deserves it. Best of Luck!
Shamain Haque :)

This is a delightful story and I can think of a number of youngsters who would love to see it grace their bookshelves. You capture the impatience of youth beautifully, the excitment of Rhys as he tries time and time again to fly and breathe fire. I love the way he scares the sheep, just as a young child might do - "I am the mighty Rhys, the most terrifying dragon that ever lived"
There is an underlying message to the reader about perseverance and The Great Orme is a lovely ancient setting to teach it.
I need to read on to find out what happened to Rhy's father, but in the meantime, backed with pleasure!
Hatts

A lovely tale for children. Great.

A story about Welsh dragons, set in Llandudno ... as a near-neighbour (I'm in Rhyl) how could I resist your pitch?

This is a delightful tale with a narrative voice pitched perfectly for your target audience. I will be reading it to my young nephew (a huge fan of dragons) when he visits during the summer holidays, and I'm sure he's going to love it. I look foward to being able to buy the whole set for him soon :)

Backed withe pleasure

Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

This is a wonderful story that flows very well and keeps the reader involved. Good character development. I think the chapters are a bit long and would probably work better if broken up. Backed with pleasure.

Mary M -- Heartstrings

Once again, why this isn't hitting the wider audience amazes me. Thos is a fantastic idea and one that would definitely appeal. Just look at the recent How to train your dragon.. The fantasy is laced with themes about the human equation- bullies, coming of age, finding the power in yourself to do the right thing, parents sacrificing all for their children and the light in the dark. Brilliant.

You have a wonderful tone for a children's book, and an interesting cast of characters, and a magical setting. Here and there, punctuation issues, usually involving the omission of a comma or needing one. The biggest issue I had with your writing is a common one: too many adverbs! You do not need to explain how someone speaks every time, or tell us what they are doing at the moment of their speaking. Examples:
He would say with an impatient yearning
Rhys added excitedly
His mother would say impatiently
his mother said firmly
she said sleepily
she enquired with a smile on her face
Rhys said disappointedly.

Usually, the way something is said can be inferred from what is said, or by context. Or you can show by action. His mother slamming a drawer while she says something would show firmness. Clean up all of this extraneous stuff and you'll have stronger prose. For the grammar and punctuation stuff, since you've invested so much time and effort, I'd hire an editor to clean this up a bit. Your imagination is wonderful and your voice perfectly suited for the market.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Nice description of the dragon. I wonder if the story would benefit from the dragon being described 'in action', as it were - so there is a hook from the very beginning of the story which would pull the reader more quickly in to the plot.
Lots of emotional reactions and the dragon feels like quite a 'person' (which is good!) though there is some repetition - with frustration and anger... with an angry frown on his face .... Don't get so annoyed ... etc. (this from the last paragraph of page 2)
Hope this helps,
Melanie.

What a delightful tale! This should go over well with all audiences, not just kids. Backed!

Amy
Love Match

This is a wonderful story! It will have a lot of resonance with children- Rhys asking lots of questions, wanting to grow up and fly! In fact, his questions are a clever way of relaying dragon facts to readers. I love the little things- only male dragons can make fire in their beliies, Dragon Pebbles! The fact that one can visit his cave just makes this better! Backed.

Great pitch and wonderful cover page. Very eye catching.
Good luck.
Dawn,
My Friends and Me

This is a charming story for young children, and should appeal widely with its dragons and romantic setting. The punctuation needs cleaning up, but other than that it's marvellous. Best of luck!

Absolutely delightful! You fall in love with Rhys and urge him on in his quest. The beauty of Wales comes across very well - Tourism Wales will love you!. Rhys will put these places on the map for sure. Pitched just right for the age group if my grandsons are anything to go by.
Here's wishing you the very best with this.
Alice
Backed of course!

Lovely, well structured and easy to read!
Millie x
Crown of Thorns

A very clever and likeable piece of writing. You do an excellent job of incorporating Wales and her famous landmarks into the novel. This is a book with plenty of moral value too...which is excellent considered the target audience.
Backing you with pleasure
David
Bailey of the Saints.

This is a truly delightful story. I love the cover, absolutely charming and the opening is just wonderful. I think children would find this captivating, I love the way you describe the dragon, brilliant, this is deservedly backed.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I absolutely love the whole idea of Rhys and his adventures, particularly as I live in Wales. I think children of all ages will want to read this beautifully written story and I'm backing it with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

I read this about a week ago, but forgot to comment. I liked it very much, and feel sure that it would also appeal to much younger children, and even to many adults.
All the best.
RogerThurling

I've just finished the first two pages and I'm totally in love with it already. The ideas are fresh and the story is beautifully written. It has just the right use of language for the age range, not too wordy or winded with long sentences. I'll definitely read more of this as soon as I can :)

Hi Chris,
This is an amazing children's book. Most children love stories about dragons, and this will not be an exception. I skimmed through the first chapter, and saw great potential, I have backed it on the strength of your pitch, and I will read it more thoroughly in the next few days, and leave a further comment.
Congratulations on your work
Helen

Hi Christoper,

Really well written childrens story, Rhys is a lovely character and I`m sure that children everywhere will delight in him. Never been Snowdonia before but I can now imagine what it`s like. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

THE STORIES OF RHYS ...: What a sparkling story, full of drama and action scenes that will amuse and fascinate young readers (or listeners) for many a long night. My own grandchildren have listened to the early chapters and now insist i read them more ... what more can a person say?

backed with joy.

Rev Raven Scott

Hi Chris
This is a beautifully written story that so many kids will love. It's a fantastic setting as well and I am always more attracted to books where I know the location. So few children's books are set within a realistic location so this has the added advantage of also teaching the reader a little bit about that part of Wales. Great stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

What a beautifully written tale, it was a pleasure to read. This will without a doubt appeal to it's target audience. The type of book I can see becoming a classic for children in years to come.
My only critque, if you can call it that, is I would make the chapter's slightly shorter with it being a children's book.
Backed with pleasure :)
Sam (Fallacy)

Orme, love this book. Of course the area is a favorite of mine and in this book of yours you color it all so well. Your characters are well crafted as is your book. It is also an easy read which caters well to someone like me who likes to cuddle up with a book under a blanket. BACKED for sure and if you could take the time to COMMENT and BACK my book if would be very timely for me. BEST OF LUCK
Denise (The Letter)

Great fantasy novel, it's well written and full of imagination. I found myself getting swept away to another world. Children as well as adults will love this. Backed this ages ago!

Missy

A lovely tale for children, The PC is a winner. Backed.

An interesting premise.

Chris,

I'm no expert when it comes to children's books. But yours is so wonderfully well-written, and oozes charm that I'm more than happy to give you my backing. I can see your series of books with accompanying illustrations being a big hit.

Best of luck with your writing.

NA 'A Red Sky in Morning' & 'Tales of Ordinary Sadness'.

this is a great childrens book. you take us in from the start with very good description of your dragon...on wl...
su dan...read SEASONS...

this is a good childrens story. you start with a a good descrition of the dragon, and you make us want to go on with your story...on watchlist for no...
su dan...read SEASONS...

This is wonderful stuff, brilliantly written. My only suggestion would be to shorten the chapters as it's for children - but this is a very minor point!

Best of luck!

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

This is a delightful and fun childrens' story! Well done.

Two quick comments-
You talk about the cave where Rhys lives in the present tense. Everything else is written in past tense, so it's a bit strange to read about the cave as though it is currently happening. Pick one tense and stick with it.

Also, some of your paragraphs are pretty bulky - since this is for kids, try to find places where you can split up the paragraphs to make them shorter.

Best of luck with this! Backed with pleasure.

Heidi Marshall
More

This is interesting, though the opening paragraph is too passive...backed for potential of the writer.

I'm sure I would have loved this when I was young. There is a warmth about the writing whcih would please any child. One poit. The first two sentences jar. Why say someone's young then say they're not very old?Pretty obvious.
The rest of it is good though.Backed.

I like this. I sort of felt like a kid again reading it. It was like story time before getting tucked in back when life was still simple. I could totally see this a children's book. Best of luck with it.

Chris
A great story, although I may not be the target age for the book I found it a pleasure to read. Working in the mines for the past 20 years made the ending of the book even more exiting, but whether you know the area or not I would highly recommend it. My daughter who is probably nearer to age group that the book is aimed at also enjoyed it. The book definitely leaves you wondering what will happen next to Rhys and I very much look forward to reading the rest of the series when they are in print.
Regards Nick

This is a great read - the story is exciting and Rhys is a fantastic character. The book conveys a mystical character and the depiction of the landscape of North Wales is very good. The book is very enjoyable altogether.

this is marvelous - so much fun to read.
I was a child again for a brief time and I was loving every second of it Chris.
Backed no problem, and good luck.
James.

Christopher
I can see children everwhere liking this. My only problem is that I think it's over-written, and needs some tightening. E.g.

"Rhys was a young Welsh dragon. He wasn't very old."

Well, if he was "young", then self-evidently, he wasn't very old.

No need to say "He wasn't very old."

I think "Rhys was a baby dragon." will do fine. Later, you can "show" he is Welsh, as you do, by describing his home.

I think the wordiness takes away from the pleasure of reading the wonderful story. This can be improved.
Frank

A mystical, enchanting, enthralling trip into a reality that exists just beyond our five senses. A children's book destined to become a cclassic---well read.

A mystical, enchanting, enthralling trip into a reality that exists just beyond our five senses. A children's book destined to become a cclassic---well read.

The simple sentence structures and easy to follow descriptions are perfect for the intended audience. Rhys is an endearing character and I think children will relate to him as well as be able to "walk in his shoes" through this book. A great way for a child to escape into a fantasy world.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Chris,

I quiteenjoyed the Stories of Rhys, great idea, characters and backround. It is a delightful story that will delight a youthful crowd.

Barbara, Bryant Cove

I know I backed this already. I think that it is charming and that children of all ages are in love with dragons! I know I am.
Barbara

Chris, I jumped right into chapter 3. Good mix of dialogue and narrative in there. In my opinion, you can do away with some of your "the." For instance, [The next morning, the rain had stopped and sunlight shone into the cave entrance. Seagulls gave their usual...]

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a delighful tale and has everything that is described on the packet. I particularly like that it has a valuable message to the age group it is targeted at. Your descriptive narrative of the characters of Rhys and the mother are memorable. I like the idea that only adult males can breath fire which sort of adds to the likeability of Rhys and the mother. True to your word, I recognised the Great Orme, the lighthouse and the old mineworkings. I think it an excellent Idea to tie the story into Welsh landmarks and just wonder if it would be worth contacting the WelshTourist board to see if they have anything in their budget toward sponsership, or if they could help with marketing. If you already have a copy via POD. I would even send the Prince of Wales a signed copy and see what sort of letter you get back, then possibly add it as a foreword. Seeing as how the dragon is so important to the the Welsh flag, I can't help but gush about the idea.

Already Backed
Declan

What really works for this is how accessible Rhys is. He's thoroughly likeable and plays games like dragon stones which many a child has played a version of. The relationship with his mum is wonderful, and serves as a great contrast to the ominous feel of the black dot in the sky and the enormous footprint by the lighthouse.
All in all, really good!

Enchanting, vivid and a wonderful read. I wonder, though, if the big blocks of text won't putting the young off- just a thought. As to location: absolutely brilliant! But then I have a 'thing' for Wales!

I have backed. So glad I did.

All the best further
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

I love this book and your pitch is spot on. Wonderful writing and great story. Backed

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Seems rather wordy for the age group, but then I don't write for that age group, so I may be entirely wrong. It's a charming premise and I enjoyed the sample. Best wishes!

Hi chris.

As promised I've had a read of the first two chapters and hope you find the following points constructive.

1. Great premise and pitch, I'd day be careful with tenses though as you've mixed past and present
2. It's been said to me many times before (on writing courses) to SHOW not TELL. your two chapters at a wild guess contain only about 10% dialogue, and it's just paragraph after paragraph of descriptive text. It's been said to me that a first reader book for this age should contain at least 60% dialogue to description to help build characters and move the plot on.
3, I'm really excited about the story from your pitch but we start very slowly with a ponderous look at two dragons sitting in a cave, which doesn't promise a lot of excitement. How about starting with a fast paced story about A past conquest by the black dragon, full of action and suspense, bringing the reader in from the start andproviding the context for the rest of the plot.? I'd worry that you're not doing the rest of the book justce by starting slowly
4. Otherwise it flows very nicely, the description is very vivid, and the characters solid. I'm there!

Cheers. Dan