The Glass Wing

I'm such a huge fan of this novel! I've just completed all nine chapters and am "dying" to find out more!!!! I'm surely going to dream about Samuel tonight (LOL)! I immediately attached myself to Jena and her feelings for her brother, Nate...her desparation for trying to figure out his secrets and trying to understand the peculiar happenings in her own life now make this to be an intriuging and emotion-filled book. I'm sure that psychologist has something evil to do with this. The trust noone...come on!!! Her connection to Samuel is so raw that it just seeps off the page to the reader. I was very disappointed to be left hanging!!! Let me know if you decide to put up more and I will be on it!! Good luck - April

It is after two in the morning and I have read all nine chapters and am soooo upset that you have not uploaded more. You have taken me into Jena's world, with her love for Samuel (my son's name...) and I love his description, their interaction - intense and beautiful...and now that I know Nate is alive, I need to know what is going to happen to him. I wonder if he is going to be an angel, that their father was taken, too...to become something else...But WHY would the protector of mankind try to kill them, unless he was demonic, like he came out in her drawing...SOOOO many unanswered questions. I loved the garden, reminded me of What Dreams May Come...the you don't scare me line was close to Twilight line, though. Jena does remind me a lot of the Bella character...And like her, I've read that one a million times and can practically quote it. Camaro (spelling...) - that was the only line that I didn't understand...if Nate got that his first year of high school and he had the accident at 16, that is an old freshman, usually freshman are 14...but that is stupid that I even brought that up and disregard...I am in love with this story - and if you upload more please email me because I can't wait to read the rest. I wish you much success with this!!!!! Sincerely, Jen

Great concept and it is flowing well. I'm going to read on and provide a more thorough review shortly.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

You had me from the get go, pulling me into the story. I got a little confused tho, when you start the paragraph "Braxton". Who is "she"? Also, twice close together you described the main character holding onto a pole. Both sentences ended with "handrail I held" and "pole I held". It didn't sound right, ending both sentences like that.

I really liked the way you opened the story, and set it up. Great job! Good luck with this book!

Sincerely, D. S. Hale

A few grammatical errors here and there and usually I have a hard time overlooking them, NOT IN THIS CASE. I am putting this one on the bookself!!! This is a FANTASTIC story! The dialogue was believable and your descriptions were spot on. The way you described how sleep deprived she was in the beginning was perfect. I often feel that way with two kids and a full time job. You perfectly described the way I feel most of the time! And the description of th dream was surreal. Beautiful and well done!

I think the pitches are ok, and I read the first three and a half chapters before getting distracted by some stuff on Netflix.

Im sure I backed this before but it appears you have polished it to near perfection. Im now starring and backing again, it's that good! Liz

Your first chapter has a nice strong hook and I have found this to be an enjoyable read. I love the tight structure and the tension you used in the first chapter with the child yelling "Ate..Ate...Ate" at her. This makes me wonder what that was all about.
I will put your book on my watchlist and will visit again to read more of this tale.

I have not read all of this work. Only scanning it has already given me the sense of it. It seems to me that this is a deepa nd dark tale, full of human emotion. When it is complete I will be sure to want to read it.

Michael J McKeown

Okay here goes, I've read the first chapter and half of the second and find the writing to be tight, concise and pleasurable to read. I did however pick up just one typo. I glanced back from the crowed as it forced me to walk, to see the woman with the baby. I think you meant crowd, also would it not be better to put forced me towards the woman with the baby. Why does she want to see her? I don't mean to be pedantic and over all this is a good read, if not a little slow, you could try to increase the pace slightly. The first indication you get that something strange is going on is the disabled boy's reaction to her, then things quieten down until half way through chapter 2 in the art class.I'll return to chapter 2 hopefully some time tomorrow.

Leah, I read your first chapter and I will be back for more. I think you have a great voice here, a really nice way with dialogue, and almost poetic knack. I was so busy reading I didn't notice any blemishes worthy of comment except:

- I really don't like your pitch/prologue. That might put me in a minority of one but there we are. The short pitch is fine. The long pitch/prologue is a turn off.

- I think the very last line of your first chapter is a mistake. It's a cliche and it actually reads a little clumsily

- at some point you need to spend a little time working on your commas, I think.

All very minor points.

Thanks for sharing.

I usually read the first few chapters but your book held my attention so much that I had to keep going. Great story and well written. Maybe have someone read over your manuscript though who is good at spotting punctuation as there are quite a few commas and stops missing. I find after reading my own manuscript I can't see the wood for the trees and can no longer spot obvious mistakes, so maybe you are the same?!

I backed your book earlier today and will give it a good star rating - maybe you could have a read of mine?

All the best with the ranking! Rosemarie (Herscope)

Well written. Good pitch. I would personally revisit the beginning in italics. It feels formal so the 'we're' is out of place. The beginning sounds a little like a voice over, makes me think the book would work well as a script. Ever thought of developing a movie??
I really like your MC's voice. I only read chapter one so far, but I like the way you leave it mysteriously so that I'm tempted to read on. I can see how Spellbound was dying to find out more. Your story is eerie in a good way, and I feel the pitch could reflect that more, but all around great job. I can really see this on shelves. Great marketing potential.

Leah

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

First, an apology for, you have been on my WL for ages. Is just that there is another book cover that looks like yours, so I got confused.

Done.

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however lies on your use of description to build an ominous sense; concrete, methodically build, words selected with surgical precision, as if sculpting marble, the result, a message is sent to the reader....

..... the writer knows what she's doing

Then the psychological map of your central character's; the ebbs and flows as she goes about reconciling the fear with with the concern, the wishes with the pauses....

......and she does her grace shows.

The use of italics is a huge plus in this narrative because of what you do with it...

.....you use it to add urgency.

Finally, the dialogue also works: no too punchy, or lingo filled, a balance between one liners and natural language

Some of my favorites:

"his eyes were crisp....."
this description has a liminal quality...it reacts upon being read

"that night, sleep came easily - deeply"
marvelously minimalist.....haiku-like

"I didn't have the heart to stop...."
This is your personal best so far
why?
Because here you make a marvelous use of the mind's eye, not by separating it from the rest of the narrative, but on the contrary by weaving it inside, much the way a Jump Cut does it on cinema.
You should do this more often

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would consider reducing the spacing between paragraph. You are building tension in your narrative;
why would you want to give the reader then a spatial pause?

"a little nervous" "mad frenzy" "laughed half-heartedly"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describes...the reader feels

"lavender and perfume"
????? isn't lavender an aroma that goes into a perfume?
I mean...I am not a lavender expert....lol....nor do I intend to call the lavender police....lol

"heavy eyes" "anxious minutes" "bad songs" "black glossy (2) shoulders" "sudden mention" "cool fingers"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

The Glass Wing.
I really liked the the pitch, which drew me into the book.
Prologue.
This appear to be a reiteration of the pitch and much as I like the concept, I don't feel it is needed as the foundation for the story that follows had already been laid down.
Chapter 1- "As I look out of the window now,' (I don't think 'now' is needed as it adds nothing and maked the sentence awkward.
Spooky episode on the tram works really well - a figment of Jena's fatigued mind or something more sinister? The passage where Jena see's her father and brother as they were some years ago together conveys a hint of her confusion when the 'vision' disappears was well-written.
Nice hook at the end of the chapter.
I'm not sure if it is necessary to follow Jena on her way home once her mother collects her from the airport. Obviously it establishes, she and her mother are very close, but it does make the chapter rather a long one for the targeted audience who, I imagine, will be eager to get to the meat of the story as soon as possible. A few sentences are rather awkward, but these can be picked up and smoothed out during the next edit.
Chapter 2 - 'a seemingly happy child could gaze in horror, as Nate did. Our dad sat pleasantly content' etc. Our dad, contentedly reading his paper, seemed oblivious - might work better.
I don't think you don't need, 'Natural blonde hair.' I know you're making the point it isn't bleached, but it was a bit jarring. Possibly insert 'natural' before blonde in the preceding sentence.
A lovely description of Mrs. Leechman.
Loved the scary picture Jena subconsciously paints.
The breaks - (brakes)
Once again, a good hook at the end of the chapter.
Some odd sentences both with consume in them.
'The pain thinner that had consumed by head' etc. Perhaps, the smell of paint thinner that had assaulted my nostrils and made me dizzy.
'The stream consumed my sinuses' etc. Perhaps, the steam soothed my sinuses.
Chapters read are a slow burn, which I am not sure young adults will appreciate despite the intriguing visions and smells that appear to trigger them. The tone of the prose has an underlying sadness that is appropriate for a girl whose father is dead and who, for one reason or another, seems to have lost touch with her brother. In the main, the prose is fluid with some lovely descriptions. Dialogue is realistic. Jena's character, is interesting because although she has friends she seems very much alone. A little work to tighten the prose and pace, together with editing and polishing needed, in my opinion, to make this more enjoyable than it is at present.

Nanty - Chrys!

This is one incredible book! I started reading it with my teenage daughter beside me and by the time I finished the first chapter, she had taken over my laptop to read further and made me get on the desktop! What a amazing story. I gave it a 6star rating and backed it because this is a story that I would read over and over!
Darlene G.
Eternal - Beginnings

Wonderful story, I very much enjoyed it and will be backing it as soon as I have space on my shelf. I loved how much Jena cares about her brother, it reminded me of how much I care for my brother and worry about him when we are apart. Keep up the good work.

Terri
Magical Journeys: The Dark Realm

Interesting story. Try taking out the word "that". In most cases, you'll find it's not needed at all.

Rated and backed.

Cat
"Lies & Love"

A strong distinctive premise, nicely pitched for the YA market.

A bit of an edit would be in order as there are a splattering of typos and clunky phrasing. The prologue for example would benefit from a see to. For example, it might read better as:

“The beautiful beings pillaged the small race, doing as they pleased, killing men and (ravishing or raping?) women. This enraged God, who stated from now on all angels would only be pure, all humans would be mortal and their souls judged for their actions (seems a bit tough on the humans if they were the victims as stated here?).

He created death in the form of a dark angel, whom he ordered to destroy all of the unfaithful angels and any remains of human life still left. He marked humans with a blood red speck and slaughtered them all, but a few survived. Over time their marks faded; making them undetectable. Their story vanished with them.”

That’s only my take on the prologue. I’m sure you’ll have a better one.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

HI Leah ...

This is one of the more unusual books encountered here, but at the same time very entertaining. You have a strong plot developing, but I would really like to read more to see where it is going. Jena is a strong believable character and there is good interaction with other. Dialogue is strong and realistic.

I would recommend a good proof read as there are some missing words. The only other suggestion is the ellipsis. It should be: 'word ... word' with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it should be: 'word ...' with a space before only and should not be used with other punctuation: 'word ....' If using 'MS word', holding down 'Alt Gr' and the full stop (period) creates a perfect ellipsis.

I apologise for my pickiness. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan.

I like the premise...average teenage girl, daughter of a struggling but devoted single mom, is suddenly bombarded by all sorts of strangeness. She finds out her brother had hallucinations. Her father as well. And now the beings that took her family from her are coming for her.

This is a beautiful start. And the angels give you so much to play with, particularly that you’re removing them from their idyllic portraits and giving them dark sides. Samael=Samuel. That’s really exciting. 

This is what’s working for you. But there are some things that are holding your story back. I’ll send those thoughts in your messages. 

Happily backed, because I think this has great potential.

Leah -

The Glass Wing - The rhythm of the writing creates a subtle tension, aided by the crisp interactions Jena has with her mother and friends, let alone the gorgeous Samuel. Lots of mystery is planted, too, all of which makes this story a engaging page-turner.

Backed (probably before) Pia

Hi Leah,

I’ve gone through the first 3 chapters of your book. Your writing style is poetic, usually very descriptive, tri-dimensional, colorful, and right to the point. Perhaps I’m too mature to discern and evaluate the perspective of a teenager. Your pitch creates expectation and intrigue. The story however moves slow as I was expecting more action. I'm sure my daughters will be fascinated with the story.

Backed.

David Placeres
Sunless Shadows

I love the premise of this novel. (Actually- my debut novel which is coming out in 2011 is about a girl who meets her Guardian Angel- so I REALLY like it). I like your straightforward writing style- but at times, it is a little too much so. Some of is a little bit too much to the point, I would personally like to see more padding in the paragraphs, making them flow more smoothly.

Other than this one little nit-pick, I love it. You have a unique voice with a creative, entertaining storyline.

Backed by me!
Cori
"Princess"

PS
If you get a chance, I would love to hear any input (or backing!) that you might wish to offer about my novel, Princess. :)

An intriguing myth opens proceedings. The Jena arrives home to a fond mother who has missed her even after only 4 days. It seems that there is some trouble brewing with the brother, but everything else is pretty normal. There are hints, such as to the brother's car, for a start, the neglected house. Is there a significance to her gums bleeding when she brushes her teeth? Seems her father is long dead, though his memory is anything but. The painting lesson is interesting, 'You're finding your inner self'. She's having hallucinations, but the brother's problems seem real enough. Why did he leave the phone, and who is ringing?

It's a slow burn, Leah, with the tension gradually rising and the clues building up. The two main hooks come with the vision of her father and then the phone call at the end of chapter 2. Jena is a complicated character, more-so than seems usual in YA, in that hints suggest a disability or vulnerability that is never spelt out. The plot sounds extremely promising, especially the idea of a guardian angel turning out to be Death. I saw you asking for feedback, so I've a load of very picky suggestions below. Overall, I think you could perhaps trim the first 2 chapters a bit more, to speed things up, but The Glass Wing is a strong and original supernatural romance with a striking title ... backed.

Possible nits: to introduce a bit more sentence variation early on: 'Tall and thin, with glossy black shoulder-length hair, she had a tattoo on her wrist that read: live'.

I can see what you're doing with the car, and it almost works, but it needs a few more words, e.g. "Aunt Nan, she's great," I said as we entered the car park', 'if the car door handle', 'Minutes after we set off, a small buzzing', "What's that frown for." Her eyes were back on the road as she made a right', should about cover it.

'My light complexion was like hers', sounds a bit random here. 'My pencil led [lead] then snapped'. 'nice person, one that [who] would help'. 'The paint thinner that had consumed my head...' don't understand that sentence. 'she laid her face in her lap', in the driving seat? Plus, you have to show the car setting off. 'back into line ... a back off look ... not coming back'.

This is a very good story; very creative. The first two sentences really sucked me in-BIG TIME. I'm sure it will do well. For a YA fantasy, I almost wonder if the first scene on the plane was just a little too 'normal'. One may read it and wonder if the story will pick up more excitement... True, great things are sure to come, but a reader will decide early if (s)he will proceed on. "What's up with this girl? She's just on a plane..." That's harsh, but so many readers are really impatient; will it be worth their time to continue? (And I should talk; I spent too much time in my works explaining everything early...I know it is bad but...) Thing is: I am wondering if you could insert just a little more foreboding on the plane. Can you hint at something, without giving anything away, about the nightmare? Interject just a bit of uncertainty? Let the reader know ..."hay, just wait and see what happens..." You do that beautifully in the "Before Time" but then it sags (in the excitement department).
Just a couple nits:
You have "you were having nightmare" (a nightmare?).
Technical, but: you have the plane crew buckling the seat belts for the next passengers. I've never seen them buckle them beforehand. I'd have her observe that the seat belts were neatly arranged for the next passengers...
Best luck; a great book.
"We pulled up the driveway." (I've never heard it said that way...We pulled into the driveway?)

Only read your recently added prologue, after seeing yr forum post; I suggest you do some editing here -
First sentence structure is clumsy, how about, 'We are told that in the beginning God created the heavens, the earth, and then man. On the 7th day he rested. Rarely told is what happened on the 8th day, when the angels came.' This could not be a prophecy, since it refers to the past, not the future.
'Speck' has a 'k' at the end. 'Escaped BY making a pact'
Yeah nit-picky, but this has to be perfect, standing as the first thing anyone reads.

Being one who has had dreams and visions since I was young, your pitch attracted me, making want to know more. You write with great maturity and your MC is very engaging, as is the concept of your story. I am happy to back, even if you don't want to look at my story. As it has been in print for three years it is too late to change anyhow. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hard to read this book and not back it. Great work.

Jason
Gateway to the World of Light and Shadow

Dear Leah,
This is a wonderful concept with the universal theme of free will versus fate. Your beautiful cover art is quite eyecatching. Nicely done!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

Good writing
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)
Hope you'll read mine

Question: why does her mother stand out? Okay, she's tall, thin with shoulder length hair,but so are a lot of women. There has to be something else about her that makes her stand out. Does she have only one arm? two noses? Extreme examples I know, but hopefully you get what I mean?

That little niggle aside, I've enjoyed reading the first chapter and am looking forward to getting home so i can crack on with the rest. You write characters that are easy to get to know and that's always the first thing I look for in a new book. So, if the rest is as good as the first chapter, I'm in for a good read. Now, is the wine cooling?
Backed.
Mick
Flirty Something

Loved the writing style - and backed this one. But I have a natural antipathy for prologues and forwards unless they really are required as a plot device. Not sure you need it.

Hi Leah,

I LOVE the title and cover and your pitch drew me in, but once I started reading your first chapter I got a little distracted somewhere towards the end and wanted a bit more action at the start. Another comment would be to perhaps remove some of Jena's "ums" when she is talking to the hostess. People certainly do use ums and ahs in speech in real life, but I'd recommend using them sparingly in writing. They can add realism, but too many detract from the dialogue.

I struggled a little to believe her mum's reaction (gripping her hair after only four days), but then I guess if her brother is missing then it makes more sense. I also couldn't imagine anyone describing a teenage girl as a "ghostly beauty", but on the whole there is a lot of good here and the concept seems very interesting and original so I've popped you on my watchlist.

Cheers
Karin

HELLO LEAH 'THE GLASS WING'
your cover caught my eye, well selected '
just read the first chapter and find it moving along a nice easy pace, and easy to read .
it will do very well with the young readers i have no doubt and rightly so,
backed
TOM BYE 'FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
glance at mine if you can spare time, back, thanks

I backed this before, but just now got around to commenting. Had to reread it just to see if my impression was still the same. Excellent first chapter. Nothing for me to nitpick. I love the way you end with such a startling vision. The smell bringing her back to the kitchen, ignoring the honking horn. Then her father and Nate dissappearing and leaving the reader wondering what the hell is happening. Great start and good luck on the publishing front.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

I think you have some very clever, creative ideas and that some of this is very promising. A little too much overdramatic teen angst for me, but still pretty good.

Good luck with it,
the Bobster

Well, after five chapters I had a lot to say but they all beat me to it! I have got to get out ahead of these readers.

These few observations are what I have left.

First person narrative is not something I mess with. It's a brave writer who does because it is filled with flaws to find all too easily but you have surmounted them extremely well.

Two nits: you keep trying to find words other than said to describe speech but I read a piece by Martin Amis (I think) where he said that it is unnecessary; the reaer tends to gloss over the parts in between dialogue.

Also, quick Typo in para 5, "If I had ever thought Pallid had nothing to offer, the youth of today..." the comma is out of place.

Overall, an excellent read and I underline everything positive I have read below.
Good luck. Cheers. Oh and BACKED.

Hey Leah. I just finished reading the first chapter of your novel and found it to be an interesting concept for a story. I thought your dialogue was well written and it really pushes the story forward. However I did find some of the writing confusing at times. At one point you have Jena brushing her teeth, and then I thought she was done and heading downstairs to go to school, but then in the very next paragraph she is back to brushing her teeth.

I also found it hard to determine exactly how long she had been away from home. It feels as if she's been gone for a really long time but then it seems as if she has only been gone a few days or so.

When you mention her mother in the airport and say she always stands out in a crowd, I'd have to say I was expecting a reason why other than her being tall and thin as a lot of people are tall and thin. People stand out in a crowd because of their flamboyant clothes, makeup or personality but not because they are tall and thin - this would have been a good opportunity to describe what her mother looked like to give the reader a feel for her.

I also have to question what teenager would pick up The Scarlet Letter to read by choice. Sure, I know Bela read some classic novel, but most teenagers I know would never dream of picking up that particular book to read - I know the intent is to make Jena seem highly intelligent, but i just don't buy that all teenage literary characters nowadays are so into the classics that they would forgo texting friends to tell them they are home or if they really wanted to read to choose books like Twilight, HP or any number of other really good YA stories.

I really thought you left the chapter to end at a good point, and i was interested to find out what Jena's vision meant. I hope you have great success with your novel. bambers;)

Leah, I really like your story. I read the first three chapters. Good idea. Good characters, with a strong relationship made stronger since their father isn't there. Visions, dreams & strange feelings kept me turning the page. By the way, I didn't understand "He journals of a troubled past ..." in the long pitch & thought it was a typo. I really enjoyed reading this & it's a pleasure backing it. Tim (Vitality)

I'm such a huge fan of this novel! I've just completed all nine chapters and am "dying" to find out more!!!! I'm surely going to dream about Samuel tonight (LOL)! I immediately attached myself to Jena and her feelings for her brother, Nate...her desparation for trying to figure out his secrets and trying to understand the peculiar happenings in her own life now make this to be an intriuging and emotion-filled book. I'm sure that psychologist has something evil to do with this. The trust noone...come on!!! Her connection to Samuel is so raw that it just seeps off the page to the reader. I was very disappointed to be left hanging!!! Let me know if you decide to put up more and I will be on it!! Good luck - April

Leah, just through the first chapter and am really enjoying Jena's easy insight into life, especially her view on AK. You write with a understated ease - nothing forced, easy and smooth and your mysterious clues make me want to go on when I get the chance. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

Love your story. You have a recent thread asking if it 'works.' I can tell you it works. It had my attention from the start, and only became better.
Good things: The use of headings is a quick and easy way of telling the reader what's what, (specifically what time it is, in Ch1.) I think it's good, a few purists might disagree. * You have an occasional particularly neat turn of phrase, but unfortunately, I forgot to note an example.
Not good things: *There are quite a lot of errors in spelling, which I'll detail in a separate message. Also in Ch 3, 'Jena' is suddenly 'Jenner.' * There is a slight over-abundance of commas to separate phrases that don't need to be separated. * Occasionally there is an awkward phrasing, such as Ch 1, 'the compliments sounded un-meaningful to me' There has to be a more straightforward way of putting that.
These are all minor things that can be easily corrected, but the story is very good, and your writing is mostly easy and natural. Backed with pleasure. Marj.

Leah,

I'm returning your read, thank you for your support.

First up, I like this. There's a gothic sort of feel and the way you create a menacing, dark, dream like environment in the first chapter, despite there being no obvious threat and little action even, is great.

That said, there were a few places I felt thing could be tightened. I'll give a few examples, for your consideration:

--sometimes things seemed slightly out of order, for example in the pitch, the second half of the first para could be re-ordered:

When the dreams and vision he warned of begin to happen to her, she understands why.

Here we have cause then effect (and I pruned a few words).

--and there are a few places I feel you could prune words to tighten things, for example, I love the opening italic passage, but would be tempted to make one tweak

After that second has passed, those following are signficant only by the action first chosen.

--or, in the '7:20am' passage, where 'repeated' might replace 'continued to repeat';

--then in the body there are a few times you tell us things that you also show us, somtetimes before the showing, which I don't think you need to do: the showing works, have confidence in your writing! Examples:

* She seemed nervous . . .
* She quickly brushed her face to hide tears [of relief]
* Her persistently hopeful questions . . .
* I frowned apprehensively.

Having said all that, I should say I'm no expert and there's always a danger that I'm just suggesting to you how I would write it.

As I said at the beginning, this worked for me in terms of the atmopshere it produced.

I took a quick look at chapter two as well, and the slightly distant, slightly unreal feel continues here. The thing that grabbed me about this chapter was strong dialogue.

Again, I feel this chapter could be pared back, but it does nicely up the tension--and I love that closing line: a great hook.

Backed

To be honest, came across you the forum and liked your attitude re backing the Donkey Derby, or not, as the case may be. I've dipped out of it, and am concentrating on honing my baby for a publisher by gaining feedback from experienced folk like yourself.

From a Ch1 read I think your dialogue is great and encomposses feelings so well - a real art.
The only thing that stopped me was the comment in the first para about empty seats - no other passengers - seemed a liittle forced, or simply could be better??

Much appreciated if you can have a scan through my Ch1 and offer some thoughts.

Cheers Rob (When...?)

It only takes a second to determine most things, and reading a book is just like that, so I continue to read as you have persuaded me with that first second.

You have a very nice descriptive style and the voice of the character comes across clearly.

I noticed the paragraph that starts “Did you have fun?” when her mother greets her is repeated twice. I presume this is a mistake or is it reality being twisted?

Good cliff-hanger on Chapter 1 that makes us want to read on, always good.

Writing these comments as reading and was expecting something of a fantasy nature to happen at the start of 2 after that cliff-hanger, but if take a while to get there. So for me it seems a bit slow on the everyday parts before we get to the fantastic.

Wish you good luck with the book

Stephen

Hi Leah,

I very much enjoyed your book, it has a real ghostly feel about it. I also like the relationship you have built up between Jena and her mother.
I have to say wasn’t sure about the first two paragraphs, they are beautifully written, but I felt the book would best start with the line – ‘“Miss,” her hand, vigorously shook my shoulder.’ That’s just my opinion though feel free to ignore me!
Also there are few missed place comma’s here and there that I picked up on but nothing we’re all not guilty of.
Happy to back!
Sam (Fallacy)

It is after two in the morning and I have read all nine chapters and am soooo upset that you have not uploaded more. You have taken me into Jena's world, with her love for Samuel (my son's name...) and I love his description, their interaction - intense and beautiful...and now that I know Nate is alive, I need to know what is going to happen to him. I wonder if he is going to be an angel, that their father was taken, too...to become something else...But WHY would the protector of mankind try to kill them, unless he was demonic, like he came out in her drawing...SOOOO many unanswered questions. I loved the garden, reminded me of What Dreams May Come...the you don't scare me line was close to Twilight line, though. Jena does remind me a lot of the Bella character...And like her, I've read that one a million times and can practically quote it. Camaro (spelling...) - that was the only line that I didn't understand...if Nate got that his first year of high school and he had the accident at 16, that is an old freshman, usually freshman are 14...but that is stupid that I even brought that up and disregard...I am in love with this story - and if you upload more please email me because I can't wait to read the rest. I wish you much success with this!!!!! Sincerely, Jen

you are cool. this book is something unique - i'm reading it and i'm like, oh that's right. or thats how she should feel. and i can really relate to jena.
there's suspense right when you start cuase you get curious whats happening to nate and what's going to happen..if he's going to die etc. i've only read a few chapters but i'm backing this and coming back to finish and add more comment tommorrow. definitely.

Hi Leah,

I chatted with you in the forum thread, and reviewed your profile. A swap read would be nice, as I would appreciate some feedback on my main character Armani. Especially, since your characters seem very solid.
I will be adding your story to my ‘bookshelves’ list, as I liked it. I would be happy to do a chapter for chapter swap with you, if you would like too. Please let me know, and thanks again for chatting with me in the forum.

I liked the quote at the start of Chapter One. It had a nice flow to it.

My eyes still a blur, my mind still a blur. - perhaps, find a word alteration for second blur in the sentence.
Example: My eyes still a blur, my mind still cloudy. - when a word is repeated, it tends to take the impact away from the meaning/use of it.

…nestled in a unique forest of pines… nice wording in this sentence.

This read really smoothly. I did not really find much to comment on. But, I have to tell you I really liked the way your characters dialogue moves with ease. Not to mention the fact, that they seem really solid.

a little slow getting there for me but when it did I really enjoyed it .I iked the reltionships she has with her mother and the dialouge you create is excellent. I am hoping she will find love and hapiness at the end of her search. I'm not a huge fantasy fan but I enjoyed this. I wish you luck with it. PS I loved your cover.Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

tight coming of age story mixed with first love and seeing the world through darker eyes against a supernatural backdrop. The writing moves freely , Jena's character a well rounded one and there is real emotion in the writing when we learn of her brother's troubles. He appears to have a mental illness that noone realised but from the pitch, we know it is something much worse. Her interaction with the brothers is also natural with good dialogue as the mystery unfolds further. very good indeed.