Roslyns Passed

I liked this, you have caught the atmosphere really well and the dialogue is good. The depth of some of your descriptions is so good, you have an artistic and creative flair. This is a good read that entertains, flows, has good pace and is lively. The hook is great at the end of the chapter and the mystery and suspense creeps in gently. I sincerely hope this does well as I enjoyed reading it and glad I have backed it for a few days.

Backed,

Lisa

Interesting twist to a paranormal story. Placed Stuck on F/16 on our watchlist last week. Intented to only read a couple of chapters tonight and ended up reading all 13. The camera, Rose, nightmares… wondering how it will end.
CC Brown

Hi Abby,

Nice first chapter. Your Mc has the makings of a wonderful character. I also liked your use of dilaogue, it really helped to set the scene. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

Really good work here. A popular subject drawn out very well. You have an audience waiting for your, good luck. E. Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

This is an engaging paranormal story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Effective descriptions. Your storyline is realistic. A delight to read. Backed.

I just reread this. Good stuff. I can see why I backed it before. Chris really is a great characters, and the dialogue you write is wonderful. It really brings your story to life. :)

I think I have to give this 6 stars right now. :)

I hope you get this published. I think it really would sell well. :)

Best of luck with your writing,

Pete x

Abby,

well-written pitch line which grabbed straightaway.
Nice use of atmosphere, engaging and imaginative. Starred!

Abby, I'd cut the beginning of the book where it feels like author intrusion. I had a writing partner that used to do this. I would start with "I didn't hurry . . ." because starting in with the action makes it flow much better, IMHO, then telling the reader what to think.

Abby Lee,
Roslyns Passed is compelling reading for young adults interested in an imaginative look into the paranormal. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Abby,
I am going to guess you are quite youthful? And no I do not mean that I thought your writing came across as inexperienced, quite the contrary, you carry the story along with finesse. What I meant was your dialogue is spot on, fresh, youthful. I have not yet read far enough along to get the gist of Rosalyn's Passed (Passed? lol guess I will need to read more to get this one:) But, so far, keeping target audience in mind, VERY GOOD> Starred and added to watchlist. Judging by the number of manuscripts you have uploaded I guess one day you may give J. K. Rowling a good run for the money. Hope to see you on the editors desk in the future, lol, just not before Your Cancer Diagnosis Today:)
Good Luck
Debbie P.

interesting take on the ghost theme. Rather a slow start.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

As a teacher of some 35 years experience, I KNOW that your Mrs Stinch is a gross stereotype...sorry but I had to say it! Apart from that I think you write well although I'm not a great fan of American college stories etc.
Cheers
Stewart

I would take the words ‘begin to’ and ‘began to’ out of your pitch. I read the pitch twice, and both times I thought it sounded more definitive without them. (my view only).

I would also have started Chapter One with ..... I’m Chris Bartlett....because you’re absolutely right, I do want the story to start straight away, and I don’t really want to read four paragraphs telling me exactly that. Especially when you the writer knows it, but for some reason has decided to do exactly the opposite. By making me read four paragraphs of nothing!

I liked your dialogue, it’s snappy and to the point. Sometimes if the writer has been frugal with speech qualifiers I have to remind myself who is speaking, but I didn’t here.

For an hour, I (had) managed to forget......For an hour, I managed to forget. (rarely do you need ‘had’ preceding and – ed verb)

I felt I knew Chris very well by the end of loaded Chapter One, and felt grounded in the setting. I would be more than happy to read on. Best wishes.


Wilma1 - Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy it

It took me awhile to get into this, but it did have a plausible sense of humor that caught my reading eye. Best of luck with this book and your continued writing. Backed.
-author of December Gold

A really enjoyable read. Your witty, pacy writing style drew me into the story straight away and there are underlying hints that all is not as it should be.
I'm in two minds as to whether or not I like the prologue - maybe it could be distilled into one or two paragraphs to make it a punchy little intro. It feels a bit drawn out as it is.
But I like this a lot. Backed x

Once you get us to the school setting, you're in your element, and the writing gains fluency and rhythm. If I were polishing this for publication, I would drop the entire prologue in which you engage the reader in a discussion about reading words in general, and I would work in the significant aspects of your chapter one exposition (the opening scene of your main character getting dressed and checking out her hair interspersed with background) later, after the initial scene at the high school. Your dialogue is punchy and revealing, and my advice is to use your skill and reveal background the way you reveal character: through dialogue. You actually have a knack for the ebb and flow of language, the rhythm of dialogue, and you tell a good story. Just don't let anything get in the way of letting the story unfold.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

Did everyone have a Mrs. Stinch for English? I'm glad I'm out of those teenage years. Appears to be a pretty normal setting until paranormal happenings. Simply, this novel is another well written work by you. I wish you the best with it.

I like your quirky beginning. It gives us a real insight into the mindset of Chris.

OK we're into the story proper now. Good description of Chris.

1 thing I did notice is that you used a few semicolons in your 1st paragraphs. I'd avoid using them if there's any other way to punctuate. I think semicolons are so rare in modern prose that they stick out a little.

I also haven't seen anybody use double dashes in the way you do. The meaning is clear, so they do work. But again the punctuation sticks out a little.

"Glancing over, and then fixing..." I'd avoid starting sentences with gerunds where possible. It leads to confused actions. "I glanced over and fixed..." or even just "I fixed my gaze on her..." would be clearer and read better.

OK I'll stop my crit now, since I don't want you thinking I'm nasty. + I do enjoy your writing. It's clear and vivid. And the dialogue feels real. Chris is a strong character that we want to learn more about.

Im happy to back your book, and wish you the best of luck with it. :)

Pete

Like everyone else, I found this an easy and pleasurable read. Backed as easily.
Peter Wild
Double Action

I have read the first chapter, and then some, this is the kind of work that makes one want to read on, it's almost like reading Stephenie Meyer! I'm guessing that Rosalyn is the new girl in school, and that she's, well perhaps not in this world??

I think I already backed this one, I'm writing again, so won't read on, though I would like to.

Good dialog, and shaping up to be a clever story. Wish I had time to read a bit more. Backed.

I'm so sorry, I thought for sure I'd commented on your book but I see that I haven't yet. You really did grab me with that first paragraph of the first chapter. I thought it was good, and I'll be back as I get the chance, to read more.

Interesting premise, and a very nice blend of teen angst and the paranormal, all rolled into one! Very well written, and I can happily say that I'll be backing this with immense pleasure :) All the best!

This is an interesting read - good descriptions and well-drawn characters. I look forward to reading more in due course.
Lizilev

I like this a lot. The narrative hooked me from the first word and your descriptions enabled me to see everything as if I was there. The dialogue moved the story along too. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

You've asked for constructive criticsm, which is great. We can all learn from each other.

I'm not happy with your opening. It doesn't do anything to me that you've listed. You've left out bored. I want a story and this would turn me off. I just read 40 agents pet hates in the first chapter. One was for the character to introduce himself. In the first para: I didn't hurry when I stood from sitting on...not a good opening. I imagined him standing on the bed. You could reword to: I heaved up from the foot of my bed, and slung on jeans and..., movements slow. Descriptions of self are a no-no too.

I'll try to find a place to start. It should begin with action. I think perhaps: Today wasn't anything new, perhaps worse than usual. You can fill in a few tiny details as you go. He can touch his jelled hair and say why he wore it this way etc. Work all the necessary back story through. You'll find most of it isn't needed. At least he speaks to the white blonde. Which is action.

Bear in mind that this is only my opinion. Use what rings true to you and toss what doesn't.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

The introduction has a lovely twist to it that is reminiscent of Vonnegut. You seem to be very comfortable with your words and setting, and this gives your story a nice relaxed pace without it seeming dull in any way. I wish you great success.

Roslyns Passed

Abby Lee

Thought your pitches and chapter one "New Kid" read well. The paranormal has always fascinated me. Chris is a strong character, well drawn, and I like the fresh, energetic, mysterious feel to this. "And then I sa whre, standing in the blackness beside the door. Panicked, I turned the bedside light on: she was gone. And I assured myself that I only imagined it. And, peacefully, I fell back asleep." Good hook at the end of this chapter. (Thought to mention - when I read your title, I repeated it a few times to get a sense of your meaning and wondered whether there was some typo/misused word, whatever - I guess you know best as author.)

Abby where does the title come from, as I have not yet reviewed 100 % of your work, I spent almost 30 seconds after reading an old scripture manuscript and having just read hitchhikers guide a few days later
the Lost Monks of Avalon seemed very appropriate....hence the Avalonian Travellers Guide which is a more factual document that supports the LMOA - The Lost Monks Of Avalon.


www.orbisavalon.com

Andrew David Doyle

Abby,
a great deal of detailed work and well put together, as I am not in any shape or form an accomplished writer as yet my only critiscism is that font changes through certain passages from dialogue to detail..apart from afew minor admon 'hiccups' odd typo it is certainl being back by me...well done. Have you had this proff read and edited yet? I dont think it will require much ....get those potential publishers told...
well done
Andy D

Dear Abby,
Your MC is witty and intelligent. Those qualities come through right from the beginning of your text. This is different - I like it!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Beautiful intro! Happily backed! Great job here. I loved Chris. His manner of self-expression is witty and to-the-point. He reminds me of a cousin I have. Easy read!

Lovely,

CSAndersen

Backed. See my Black Swan comment.
Jerry [paperbat]

The writing is excellent because it is innovative. The word count is generous, especially with more expected to follow. A great feature of the work is the relaxed dialogue and the descriptive prose in regard to characters. Backed. The "cherry pick" feature is not in evidence of being used. Home Page gives the details of usage. Chuck

This is an engaging paranormal story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Effective descriptions. Your storyline is realistic. A delight to read. Backed.

Backing you book based on the pitch. Can you check out "Crazy", my book of fears?

I like the first person narritive here, it works well with this type of novel. Chris is a strong MC, full of teenage angst but there is something more about him. This is well written, dialogue is real enough, suits your story.

Well done - Backed - Clair

Hi Abby, Chris is a very grounded character. I liked his description of where he lives and his experience at school is nicely rendered. There might too much there; I’d say with the Miss Stitch part because that didn’t seem to further the people plot. There were a few typos, Columbus High and “asked” in the next paragraph. “The party you brought to it…” in Kara’s dialogue – I wondered if she was referring to Chris or someone they knew? And a few words, “clouty” and the physics teacher saying “Those are moving answers.” Wasn’t sure what was meant by clouty and moving. Otherwise it’s strongly written and with such a practical personality as Chris, I wished I could have gotten to the paranormal to see how he experiences it. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The only constructive crit I can give you is in the use of the literally. I think you don't need it. In the pitch--he literally sees dead people...would be stronger just he begins to see dead people. And again in the body of the first chapter--we literally lived in the city....literally weakens the sentence.
Hope that is helpful.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

I'm glad you enjoyed it! As for the title, it's supposed to be "Roslys Passed," exactly as it's written. lol! Hopefully, by the end of the book, readers will be able to figure out the multiple meaning of the title.

I'll be adding more very soon; so be sure to check back. And, if you'd be so kind, please spread the word. :)

ROSLYNS PASSED
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Chris; he’s likable and has just enough tricks of magic to be appealing to Harry Potter fans. Your writing style is fresh and clear; easy to read. The title is a little puzzling; should that be “Roslyn’s past” or “Roslyn’s Passed”? Either way, I’m happy to add this to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

ROSLYNS PASSED
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Chris; he’s likable and has just enough tricks of magic to be appealing to Harry Potter fans. Your writing style is fresh and clear; easy to read. The title is a little puzzling; should that be “Roslyn’s past” or “Roslyn’s Passed”? Either way, I’m happy to add this to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 4th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Really good work here. A popular subject drawn out very well. You have an audience waiting for your, good luck. E. Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Interesting twist to a paranormal story. Placed Stuck on F/16 on our watchlist last week. Intented to only read a couple of chapters tonight and ended up reading all 13. The camera, Rose, nightmares… wondering how it will end.
CC Brown

You didn't make the paranormal silly and trite. Young readers will be able to relate to Chris. Annie, at the end of chapter 12, is a bit mysterious. Nicely done.

I enjoyed reading the first chapter very much. It's well written and held my attention. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

This is really compelling stuff - I've read all the way up to chapter 7 and I'm pretty much hooked. Chris' predicament with Rose, although still a mystery to me, is well-played out, and Ayden - there's something fishy about that girl, I'm sure...

I love how real and strong your characters are, and the feelings that Chris has. You have a natural ability to make time pass fluidly. I would say that some of the school parts I skipped - I wanted to get to the meat, and to do that I felt that I didn't have to sit with Chris in his lessons. Maybe cut a few out, and keep in only the very important ones? Or else skimp a little on the details. It really breaks down the flow of your story.

I'm going to carry on reading later on. Great job.

Esme C

Hi Abby,

Nice first chapter. Your Mc has the makings of a wonderful character. I also liked your use of dilaogue, it really helped to set the scene. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

This is quite a ride. I'm enjoying it very much. "'I'm dead,' she said quietly. Her tone was intentional. After all, she was, for all intents and purposes, just a part of my subconscious." Yes, the "nightmares have come to a new level. That's cool." Talking with a dead sister is not normal, but my life as an expat far away from my roots gives me a similar feeling. I hallucinate often about the times and places gone by. I'll come back and read more when I get a little more time. "You look different," I finally said.

Your highly descriptive writing style coupled with your use of the first person narrative makes your finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent, the character development is solid and the dialogue is realistic. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Abby,

Stuck on F/16 - This reads lovely, fresh, mysterious, and Chris is endearing. Curious, how memory cycles and brings associations each year. I wonder about the title. I don't have any suggestions, but the story deserves a brilliantly evocative title. Someone here suggested not to begin a story with a dream - utter rubbish - there are dreams and dreams - and there is writing and writing. Both your imagination and your writing lift you way above the fashion of arbitary rules.

Backed with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is only based on Chapter 1 . I apologise for this because clearly I can't comment on the truly mysterious parts, but I want to comment on what I found so far.
You've created an interesting MC in Chris. His nightmare is confusing and unsettling and we are pulled into the story because something is wrong, but we don't know what.. The date Feb 5th is significant for some reason, but we don't know why yet. Chris is anxious and unsettled and yet his day seems very ordinary. You portray this strange mix very well and it is puzzling to the reader. The old lady on the bus chatting about her family (does this have significance later?) and then his arrival at school...they are everyday events and most teenagers will recognise the routine, so what can be special about this apparently ordinary day.
Chris' friend, Baker, is fun. He came alive for me straight away . i can imagine his face, what he sounds like, everything. The dialogue between the two friends is well done and their interaction tells us a lot about their personalities.. I liked the "dude" use by Baker, it sums up his character very neatly.
In the English lesson, Chris refuses to write on the topic and we know this is unlike him because he is clearly a bright student who is one of the best in the class. So we are left wondering what it was that changed his life?Why is it so terrible he can't even think about it and was it the event that happened on Feb 5th?. You've given us a lot to be curious about.
Then the beautiful new girl arrives in the school and Chris is fascinated. He struggles through the classes, distracted by the new girl and by his dread of the day. The suspense increaes as the end of the day closes in.
Towards the end of chapter 1, Chris is hopeful that he is almost through the day and may be able to be a bit more normal. The reader doesn't know what this means...Chris has appeared quite normal (for a teenager!) except for the strange anxiety about the date.
Then it happens! Right at the end of the chapter, he sees the new girl by the door. He convinces himself it's his imagination...but the reader is hooked by this. Why has he seen her and what does it signify?
An interesting mystery with a lot of suspense and tension that mounts throughout the chapter. This should go down well with young adult readers and I wish you all the best in the search for a publisher..
I am backing this.
Cherry G.
The Girl From IIhaca

Interesting book, well written, flowing, with good characterizations...it has a mixture of mystery and just plain every day life of a teenager that makes for a compelling read, getting more and more gripping as the story unfolds. Good work, and backed!

I liked this, you have caught the atmosphere really well and the dialogue is good. The depth of some of your descriptions is so good, you have an artistic and creative flair. This is a good read that entertains, flows, has good pace and is lively. The hook is great at the end of the chapter and the mystery and suspense creeps in gently. I sincerely hope this does well as I enjoyed reading it and glad I have backed it for a few days.

Backed,

Lisa

Baker is Chris's (the main character AND narrator) best friend. "Dude" is what Baker says after virtually every sentence; he addresses Chris in this way.

CHRIS is the one who doesn't want to write the essay/paper.

Abby,
In your pitch, you write about a boy named Chris Bartlett. I'm confused--who is Baker? and Dude? Because that's who I got a lot of info about in the first chapter. If I made an error, forgive me. I read through a lot of chapters this morning on this site.

Despite my confusion, I really enjoyed the first chapter. It brings back high school memories (especially of teachers that drove me crazy). I think many readers will make the same kinds of connections. It's clear that Baker doesn't want to write about something that changed his life, but how is that connected to Chris? I want to know his story.

I'll keep you on my watchlist and move you to my shelf when I give the other books I have there a chance to move up in rank.
Good Luck,
Lu-Lu :)

Abby,
In your pitch, you write about a boy named Chris Bartlett. I'm confused--who is Baker? and Dude? Because that's who I got a lot of info about in the first chapter. If I made an error, forgive me. I read through a lot of chapters this morning on this site.

Despite my confusion, I really enjoyed the first chapter. It brings back high school memories (especially of teachers that drove me crazy). I think many readers will make the same kinds of connections. It's clear that Baker doesn't want to write about something that changed his life, but how is that connected to Chris? I want to know his story.

I'll keep you on my watchlist and move you to my shelf when I give the other books I have there a chance to move up in rank.
Good Luck,
Lu-Lu :)