The Other woman.

I am immediately struck by the first lines having tense confusion and needing to be repunctuated into formal sentences. Sorry but I have a newspaper man's eye for grammar and its hard to go by. I'd recommend giving the whole thing a polish or a grammar check on the computer and then reposting. I hope this is helpful to you as it's certainly not meant in spite. Feel free to rag on me and my YA fantasy THE WANDERER AND THE HILL. Trying to be genuine, sorry!

Thank you for your comment one of the most helpful. I think the thing is about the whole relationship is that she is sorry for what has happened and wishes others had not been hurt but she cant say she wouldnt do it again as her son would not have been born and she is, with out meaning to be or wanting to be as her heart is full of guilt, SELFISH. Her life is complicated and full of contradictions where this man is concerned. . One day she wishes she had never met him another she will remember the smiles and the good times and be glad of what they had. I do need a lot of help tidying it up grammatically etc, never my strong point.
I think when I said parent's I meant both. They had both been wrong for what they did to there son. Although, selfishly again she would not change it as she loves her son too much to wish him away....isnt life complicated?.... think that is why I am having such difficulty finishing it. Everything contradicts itself and I never know who I feel more sorry for....... in my head it gets so very sad that it it hard to write. But it just highlights the complications of love. I must get on and do the next few chapters.
Thank you for your comment again.

Sorry but not sorry, miserable but unrepentant, 'I would do it again'. Then back to when she met Richard. Smitten, but she's already in a relationship. 'Had he really forgotten about the appointment?' as if, and then there's the note with the rose. 'I had never been one for one night stands', she's pretty mixed up then, and it's handy that she forgot the button. The illicit relationship continues, with feelings intensifying, 'I would walk over hot coals for him' - yes, but with provisos - 'Do we have a relationship?' The text message is a neat bit of blackmail (she is such an unreliable narrator, even to herself).

Abigail sums it up pretty well, 'If I had been told a thousand nuns would be dropped down a cliff to their deaths if I kissed him, I would not have cared'. As it is, it will be his wife and children - followed by her son? - and whoever else stands in the way of her passions. I didn't expect anything quite so psychologically insightful, Kathleen, which is more fool me. Plot and character-wise, you have a brilliant story on your hands. The writing needs a bit more editing (some suggestion below) but shows a great deal of skill and talent ... backed.

Possible Nits: 'But he was hated for his parent's mistake', would that be more accurate as 'But he was shunned for his mother's mistake' or did you mean " parents' " as in plural? To be a bit picky, she calls it a mistake here, but before she said, 'I would do it again', so does she mean mistake or wrongdoing / offence?

'work as a pa [PA] for'. 'Oh good[,] you are [you're] back in the land of the living'. 'I am [I'm] at a loose end'. 'He will [He'll] be leaving' (and in other places where contractions sound more natural). 'and the love there [their] father'. 'with the new rd'?? Do you mean 'road'? If so, use the word. 'I need to get some coffee ... I hated the smell and taste of coffee'.

Sorry but not sorry, miserable but unrepentant, 'I would do it again'. Then back to when she met Richard. Smitten, but she's already in a relationship. 'Had he really forgotten about the appointment?' as if, and then there's the note with the rose. 'I had never been one for one night stands', she's pretty mixed up then, and it's handy that she forgot the button. The illicit relationship continues, with feelings intensifying, 'I would walk over hot coals for him' - yes, but with provisos - 'Do we have a relationship?' The text message is a neat bit of blackmail (she is such an unreliable narrator, even to herself).

Abigail sums it up pretty well, 'If I had been told a thousand nuns would be dropped down a cliff to their deaths if I kissed him, I would not have cared'. As it is, it will be his wife and children - followed by her son? - and whoever else stands in the way of her passions. I didn't expect anything quite so psychologically insightful, Kathleen, which is more fool me. Plot and character-wise, you have a brilliant story on your hands. The writing needs a bit more editing (some suggestion below) but shows a great deal of skill and talent ... backed.

Possible Nits: 'But he was hated for his parent's mistake', would that be more accurate as 'But he was shunned for his mother's mistake' or did you mean " parents' " as in plural? To be a bit picky, she calls it a mistake here, but before she said, 'I would do it again', so does she mean mistake or wrongdoing / offence?

'work as a pa [PA] for'. 'Oh good[,] you are [you're] back in the land of the living'. 'I am [I'm] at a loose end'. 'He will [He'll] be leaving' (and in other places where contractions sound more natural). 'and the love there [their] father'. 'with the new rd'?? Do you mean 'road'? If so, use the word. 'I need to get some coffee ... I hated the smell and taste of coffee'.

Very touching first chapter. Then in 2 the story gets off to a fine paced story. Starting at the end, then showing how we got there can be an effective device. This works for me.

The opening chapter has a pall of sadness hanging over it that made me read on, wondering how Abbey had got to that point. Well done. Great dialogue and characters, and a good fast pace. I don't usually read this genre, but you may have converted me!

"EMBARRESMENT". Should it be "EMBARRASSMENT" or is it deliberately mispelled in the context of the note? What is "rd"?

Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Backed with pleasure

Hi Kathleen

It's a good opening - you put the heroine in a tricky situation and then flashback to explain how she got there. I like that you move through the beginning of the affair quite quickly, so that we get on to the meat of the story. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

I always have a half an hour or more dream, weather it is day dream or different, and my big dream that has been going on for 5 months now. has the same thing as that story. and i normally get my dreams from books i read, films i watch or simpley just real life! and i got that from real life.
But it is completly more complicated than what u have ritten! but i am just 11 years old so who really cares?
most of the books i have ritten are from my dreams. But acctully to correct my self. my dreams are from my imagination and no-where else. Everyone in my family say i am nothing like them and just from that 1 sentense i got a really big dream! but it is to long to say! lol

But any way good book ;)

I like this introductory chapter. Good, first-person voice. Nothing to nitpick there.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Powerful first chapter! I appreciate the use of first person narration here, and I like the MC. Backed with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

Wonderfully observed.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

A well constructed and well written story. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I think this is so well portrayed, the loss, the passion how the diametrically opposite side of the seesaw increases both. Very well structured and told in a very sensuous style. Mmm think I’ll read a bit more before bed!

Hi Kathleen, Well-expressed, like confessional writing in a way. The first chapter is concerned with the result of what follows. The reason Abby gets involved so quickly is crafted nicely to the work. I liked phrases like "as if he dropped a penny and found a pound." There's good flow to the telling. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is good, very good. It reads well, its current and the present and then going back to tell the story of what has happened is an excellent one. You write very well. Backed 100%

Clair
Left Behind

Evocative and involving, with a little polish it will do very well. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

THE OTHER WOMAN
Kathleen,
A nice opening line that worked for me on many levels.
It is clear to me, as a reader, how much you believe in the story you are telling. I have never been in any situation remotely like those you present, but I was able to empathise with Abbey.
With some polishing, this will be a great read.
I am happy to back this, and I wish you luck.
Get cracking with the proofing and editing and go for it!
Kit Matthews (Insight)

Enjoyed this very much...wish there was more of it to read. Would suggest one smal thing, (doesn't everyone), in your long pitch (?) you have the line, "He was married, a father with a mortgage and should have known better. But he knew he wanted her and would never give her up!" To my mind that line could be snappier and might make the reader more inclined to open the cover. Something like, "He had it all, wife, kids and a mortgage, but he wanted more...her. And he wasn't going to give her up."
maybe I am wrong but thought it might help. The story is very good and the main criticism is that I want more!!! Backed and waiting expectedly for more... Raven Scott

Oh I like that I am going to be a theif and pinch it. I am writing as fast as my baby will let me. Getting there and I will put it on when done. Bear in mind again it wont be edited so criticise away.

Enjoyed this very much...wish there was more of it to read. Would suggest one smal thing, (doesn't everyone), in your long pitch (?) you have the line, "He was married, a father with a mortgage and should have known better. But he knew he wanted her and would never give her up!" To my mind that line could be snappier and might make the reader more inclined to open the cover. Something like, "He had it all, wife, kids and a mortgage, but he wanted more...her. And he wasn't going to give her up."
maybe I am wrong but thought it might help. The story is very good and the main criticism is that I want more!!! Backed and waiting expectedly for more... Raven Scott

I like the premuse of this book. I'm sure you know you could use a bit of editing and touching up. But I see lots of great prospects. So keep at it. I'm shelving this.

NMoore
Vicar of Wrynbury

You get across the character's yearning for sympathy, love, understanding and depict her emotional state poignantly. The only thing that struck me was the mention of tears was quite frequent and I remember reading somewhere the more you can suggest the characters state of mind rather than tell us they are crying, the more that experience is felt. However, the line, "Long lashes still moist from being told he would not be seeing Daddy anymore," works.
I wish you all the best.
backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

This is actaully a good story and you bring it to life well. The only thing that I think you need to take another look at is your dialogue. It comes across as a bit formal or cliche. I think you could tighten it up a bit and give this a whole new feel.

Lockjaw

Yes, to answer the author's question, it does hold attention...very much so. The intro. is powerful, and there is an intriguing use of rhetorical questions...'Was it my fault etc.' It draws the reader in very successfully. Backed.

The Other Woman

Sexy,sensual, naughty, yes...it held my attention. BUT i wanted less telling, less words ending with ly, i wanted more of the yearning... more tension... more danger. Am i making sense?

You have a gift for this kind of writing, foridden fruit,the boredom with Simon, god , how many women have been there? You portray discontent excellently.

Polish the words, tighten it up, create tension, build suspense... you succeed in exposing Richard, for what he is, very well, from the very beginning.

I love this... your sex scenes in particular, are well written and candid , i can feel, smell, see them...i hope you're published!

Alison Butler (The Hanging of Margaret Dickson)

THE OTHER WOMAN:

Kathleen,

This is a very sad story, and probably one that will resonate with other readers who have gone through the same trauma as Abigail has. You have put a great deal of emotion into the writing, and emotion is the one thing every romantic novel must have.

You did ask for tips, so I have one or two you might like to look at. The main one is to stick to one tense. You start off in Chapter one in the present tense. You must make sure you stick to this, and don't slip into the past tense.
Dad is used with a capital letter when he is being addressed, i.e. "Come and look at this, Dad." But when you are just referring to him, he is the little boy's dad. And yes, when you tell him he won't be seeing Daddy again, that is with a capital D.
Blonde is used for females. Blond for males.

But in broader terms, I would try to stay with telling us how it happened, and what happened, and of course "showing" us how it happened, rather than asking questions about why it happened. But showing and telling us what happened, just the way it happened, will create the empathy in the reader. The reader can't answer those questions. But you can. And in the telling of it, you will automatically arouse the empathy and sympathy of the reader. I hope this makes sense.

I can sense that with your passion for writing, you will end up with a most readable novel, and that you will have a wide following from chick-lit and romance readers.

Good luck and keep writing. And read it out loud to yourself, which is the best way to edit. Believe me, I've had to do that.

Backed, with pleasure, and wishing you all the best in your path to publication.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Thank you very much for that... I need a note book to remember all these comments!
I think I understand what you are saying and I shall deffinatly look at it. At the moment this is just the first draft as I said and I know there are bits that need to be amended and added etc so it is useful to get ideas, thank you. I am very grateful for all oppinions.
Now to write down my notes on how to amend it. ;-)

Your writing style is good. This story is one that is relatable to your target audience, Keep working, Backed with confidence. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

THE OTHER WOMAN:

Kathleen,

This is a very sad story, and probably one that will resonate with other readers who have gone through the same trauma as Abigail has. You have put a great deal of emotion into the writing, and emotion is the one thing every romantic novel must have.

You did ask for tips, so I have one or two you might like to look at. The main one is to stick to one tense. You start off in Chapter one in the present tense. You must make sure you stick to this, and don't slip into the past tense.
Dad is used with a capital letter when he is being addressed, i.e. "Come and look at this, Dad." But when you are just referring to him, he is the little boy's dad. And yes, when you tell him he won't be seeing Daddy again, that is with a capital D.
Blonde is used for females. Blond for males.

But in broader terms, I would try to stay with telling us how it happened, and what happened, and of course "showing" us how it happened, rather than asking questions about why it happened. But showing and telling us what happened, just the way it happened, will create the empathy in the reader. The reader can't answer those questions. But you can. And in the telling of it, you will automatically arouse the empathy and sympathy of the reader. I hope this makes sense.

I can sense that with your passion for writing, you will end up with a most readable novel, and that you will have a wide following from chick-lit and romance readers.

Good luck and keep writing. And read it out loud to yourself, which is the best way to edit. Believe me, I've had to do that.

Backed, with pleasure, and wishing you all the best in your path to publication.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

The Other Woman-

You asked for tips so I'll do what I can. First, I really liked ch1 even though it switched tenses right near the beginnning, which was a good thing--present is often hard to read and harder to empathize with. I'd change it so it's all past. There are some editing issues, which you'll surely work out as you go through it.

Ch2 was a little harder to stay with, at least for me. There was a great deal of 'telling' which tends to distance the reader from the MC and the story. I know you're trying to cover a lot of ground in as short a time as possible but it might be better to slow it down and explore the feelings a little more. We should get to know your MC so we can better understand who she is before she so much as considers getting into the car with him.

Also work on your pitches. The short one should summarize the main idea of the book and the long one should read like the back cover--just enough to get the reader to open the book. Lastly, keep exclamation points to a minimum. They only belong in dialogie and then very sparingly.

As I said at the onset, I really like the tone you set with ch1. There's a melancholy feel that says a lot about who Abigail is and that needs to carry through the rest of the book. Hope this helps. Good luck. -Barb

Exciting story about forbidden love. Lovers of the genre will find tons of attractions there.
I will back it,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)
PS.
Now, there are writers who ask for tip, but don't really want it. And there are others who make the most of it. If you allow a wee comment, I would say, chapter 2, take a look at the part when Abbey says:
'This was just not like me. I was quiet, demure. Naive even'.
OK, Abbey may have been quiet and demure and really nice girl. But I think you can allow in your prose some questioning of that naivety. After all, Abbey had a boyfriend of five years. And what followed with Richard is not exactly the description of uninformed lady.
I hope this make sense. Cheers.

Ok thanks! I will spend the day condsidering that and how best to explain it. I know what you mean and I am trying to think the best way to fill it. Hmmm! Wish wednesday was not my busy day, I am going to be itching to get to my laptop all day. Thank you.x

Exciting story about forbidden love. Lovers of the genre will find tons of attractions there.
I will back it,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)
PS.
Now, there are writers who ask for tip, but don't really want it. And there are others who make the most of it. If you allow a wee comment, I would say, chapter 2, take a look at the part when Abbey says:
'This was just not like me. I was quiet, demure. Naive even'.
OK, Abbey may have been quiet and demure and really nice girl. But I think you can allow in your prose some questioning of that naivety. After all, Abbey had a boyfriend of five years. And what followed with Richard is not exactly the description of uninformed lady.
I hope this make sense. Cheers.

Ouch. Achingly heart-breaking first chapter with the question, why can't the little boy see his daddy? - which had me reading on to the next chapter, only to realise we're not going to find out for at least a while! Well written and propulsive stuff. Well done.

Kat: I can go with your short pitch. You have the skills to write so I hope you have confidence to finish out the long pitch. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I/m not a reader of romances but I liked this. The dilemma is going to attract a lot of people and you have told your tale credibly. It's current and well written. Backed

Rosalnd
Good for Him

Awesome read. The first word that came to mind was shattered and then destructive. You trust and hope that life will maintain balance then in the blink of and eye it's destroyed. By the one person you cared fror more than life itself caused it and you son't understand. That can never be replaced and then there are the children. You just pray to God you're have all the right answers for something that should have never happened. C W Shelved.

Yes, it does hold the attention very strongly, I like the
characterization and portrayal of emotions.
I certainly back it and wish you luck.
no errors seen, except the yellow pterodactyl...if that's 's how you spell it
mikegilli The Free

Oops!! I didnt know how to spell it and so I highlighted it to come back to. A friend told me how to spell it and i was wrong but I completly forgot to change it.
Have been trying to chapter this etc but for some reason, either my internet or this site I can't!! I have a bit more to put on as well as the changes I have made..... I will keep trying and will correct that.
Thank you. x x

Yes, it does hold the attention very strongly, I like the
characterization and portrayal of emotions.
I certainly back it and wish you luck.
no errors seen, except the yellow pterodactyl...if that's 's how you spell it
mikegilli The Free

A book to get lost in - the drama the love the lies the devotion and betrayal. You have written this very well your dialouge and your first person narative made me feel I was sitting on your shoulder and whitnessing it. Very good girly read beast of luck.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley ( Hope you like it)

I've started to read THE OTHER WOMAN and am enjoying it, so I'm happy to back it whilst I read more

Please would you take a look at NEW BEGINNINGS, and let me know what you think?

Thanks
Gail

Perfect chick lit- you have a gift for writing first person narrative and descriptive prose! So far, I love it but I would have bought this book anyway based on the pitch. Thanks for uploading so much so I can return later for more of this gem! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

You wanted to know if this book keeps the reader's attention, and I can begin by assuring you that it does. Your opening scene, with the tragic ending for Abigail's little boy, cut off from ever seeing his daddy again, is heart-breaking. Then you take us back to when Abbey's relationship with Richard started, and at once you take us right inside Abbey's head, showing us her thoughts and feelings, and we can relate to her straightaway and feel close to her. The start of Abbey's affair with Richard is told vividly and in terms which make us want to read on; and you let us see the guilt Abbey feels from the start, as Richard has to hurry away, and mentions that he has to be on time for his daughter. I think you have the basis for a very successful book here. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I love it, sad at the begining but a very enjoyable read, backed

alison

I've never written about love but I have a feeling, unless it's of the Mills and Boone variety, it's the most difficult thing to do. This is real emotional and emotive writing. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

It seems that you have two choices - either arrange to edit the text for grammar, spelling and so on, and break up into chapters etc.; or, contact those nice people at "The Guinness Book of World Records" to find out how long the longest chapter ever written is - I'm sure 26,000 words must be in contention! ;-)

Very interesting. Wouldn't like to meet that guy in your book as he sounds like a nasty piece of work....

Backed.

Now that sounds like a very interesting concept. It is beyond 26,000 words on my laptop so maybe yes, do you think they would be interested? ;-)

And the charector is a piece of work, he only gets worse, but for some reason she keeps on loving him! I just dont understand it. And I am writing it, but why is it the younger woman always gets blamed for breaking up marriages?? Seems to me sometimes they just get swept along with the romance of an experienced man promising dreams and should be pitied with the wife.
But I am glad you find the book interesting. And hope you will be back to read the rest. x

It seems that you have two choices - either arrange to edit the text for grammar, spelling and so on, and break up into chapters etc.; or, contact those nice people at "The Guinness Book of World Records" to find out how long the longest chapter ever written is - I'm sure 26,000 words must be in contention! ;-)

Very interesting. Wouldn't like to meet that guy in your book as he sounds like a nasty piece of work....

Backed.

Great story, a compelling read actually. As a reader I found myself cheering on your MC and her son. Needs a little editing, like when she bent down for the pen and he did, just say they both bent down at the same time and clashed heads!

Great work

Happily shelved

melxx

Thank you I will go back and look at that. x

Great story, a compelling read actually. As a reader I found myself cheering on your MC and her son. Needs a little editing, like when she bent down for the pen and he did, just say they both bent down at the same time and clashed heads!

Great work

Happily shelved

melxx

Kathleen,

A very sensitive subject very well written, it is engaging, graphic and definitely portrays the positive and negative aspects of an affair. I became hooked when reading this very quickly and am eager to read more.

wow massive chapter -big paragraphs and sometimes too much - break it down and let us breath with you- your writing is spot on and depicts a clarity of scene- great storyline and the ingredients of something special- help I am drowning in superlatives or not....um gather your thoughts Richard.

Best Wishes

Backed

Richard

Thank you for that, I have to get it into chapters but as yet have not got that far. Very much a work in progress and needs a lot doing to it. Ie: thinning down paragraphs etc...... at the moment I am just writing what is in my mind and not stopping but I will go back and edit it and make it easier to read.
Thank you for the comment. Exactly what I need. x

wow massive chapter -big paragraphs and sometimes too much - break it down and let us breath with you- your writing is spot on and depicts a clarity of scene- great storyline and the ingredients of something special- help I am drowning in superlatives or not....um gather your thoughts Richard.

Best Wishes

Backed

Richard

The Other Woman:

Kathleen,

In the first scene, the emotional confusion of a woman who is mother and once a wife is powerfully conveyed in easily readable prose that makes no pretensions and yet which, in its unadorned way, evokes the strength of feelings in a woman torn between her need to keep her five year old boy away from her Ex and Aiden's need for his father.
Having, so far, been fortunate enough not to have experienced this directly, you brought it home to me with the full force of its rawness and I was engaged for that reason.
How ironic that the narrator first met the man who was to tear her life apart when she was PA to a solicitor who was dealing with broken marriages and families torn apart.
Her initial infatuation with Richard is well conveyed and there are hints of the erotic which will eventually be an added appeal in this storyline.
And what a storyline! You have all the ingredients of a powerful romance and yet one which is born out of tragedy en route.
Characterisation is realistic and the dialogue natural and I found your characters the more accessible and believable as a result. I'd be happy to abide with the rest of the story, if only I had more time.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is an intense and emotional start to this book! I love your writing style, it brought me right into the story. I got involved and invested quickly. Your characters are well established and felt very real to me. I think you've got a good thing going with this book. This has some great potential and I'd love to see more chapters when and if you upload them.

Good luck with this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity