Book Jacket

 

rank 389
word count 123645
date submitted 16.03.2010
date updated 04.11.2010
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Historic...
classification: moderate
complete

The Girl from Ithaca: Book One in the Sister Trilogy

Cherry Gregory

Neomene of Ithaca, younger sister of Odysseus, reveals what Homer never knew: a woman's view of the Trojan War.

 

A Spartan war ship sails into Ithaca and two men arrive to demand the fulfilment of an oath. When her brother Odysseus joins the Greek alliance against Troy, fourteen year old Neomene is thrust into a world she knows little about. Very quickly she learns that the causes of the war are not what they seem, and people who call themselves allies are sometimes more dangerous than the enemy.
Amid the secrecy and plots, Neomene befriends the women who are forced to survive alongside warriors such as Achilles, Ajax and Agamemnon. But as the war drags on and many heroes die, she'll need to face dangers vastly different from the battles on the Trojan Plain.

Readers not familiar with the tales of Troy will find it 's a lively and thought provoking story in its own right, and also an exciting introduction to Mycenaean culture, the Greek myths and the characters and events of the Trojan War. For those who already know Homer's version, read on to discover the heroes as you've never seen them before.

It all starts on the island of Ithaca...

 
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, achilles, agamemnon, ancient greece, ancient history, battles, bronze age, brother, family, first-person, friendship, goddess athena, gods, hector, ...

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Chapter One: Across the Sea

 

Ithaca, 1200 BC

 

The ship sailed towards our island, closing in like a dark stain on the blue of the sea. I narrowed my eyes and focused on the sail. Slowly the lion’s head emerged through the shimmering heat. I knew then that they were coming, coming for Odysseus and all the men of Ithaca.

For a moment I stood paralysed, staring at the proud symbol of King Menelaus of Sparta, until gulls screeched in alarm and I jumped from the ridge and scrambled through a clump of rushes. Lysander was the fastest runner in Ithaca; he’d be able to reach the palace in time to alert Odysseus. I plunged through the coarse grass and closed in on the circle of pine trees, urgently shouting his name.

I gasped for breath and then cursed myself. How could I forget? Lysander was with his father, moving their sheep to the other side of the island and wouldn’t be back before dusk. It seemed the gods had left me to warn my brother.

The cool air under the trees helped me think more clearly. I wasn’t as strong or as fast as the men, but I’d often beaten the boys in their games. The sheep track lay ahead of me, looping down to the road, taking its time like the ghosts of animals whose feet once etched its path. It was too slow that way. I veered off the track and ran to the more direct route along the spine of rocks.

At first I made good progress, but gathering speed, my foot slipped on the loose scree, sending stones skittering down the slope. They rattled and bounced over the side of the ravine, the clatter of their downward journey echoing around the rocks. My heart raced as I grabbed onto a boulder and pulled myself to it.

When I dared look round, a shape flickered at the corner of my eye, a shadow crept across the rock.  An eagle hovered above me, its large wings covering the sun as it swept round in a circle and then drifted down to the lowlands. I took a deep breath. It might have been the great god Zeus in disguise, observing the lives of mortals as he soared above us, mocking our earth-bound legs.  Selecting a more gradual descent along the outcrop, I laughed at myself. Zeus had better things to do than watch a fourteen year old girl from Ithaca.

  At last I reached the road and stared into the distance, following its path as it left the rocky terrain. It cut through the grasslands and up the hill, pointing to the town’s hiding place as it nestled out of sight. Without thinking, I set off, keeping my pace steady like Odysseus had taught me. My sandals pounded the earth in a steady rhythm; my legs seemed to move on their own. I raced downhill for a long stretch, seeing no one except boys with goats and sheep, their pipe music drifting through the air like wisps of smoke.

Then climbing uphill, I ran past a scattering of wooden huts where animals and families lived together. A dog barked. Two young girls peered out from an open doorway. Old men stopped talking and stared. At the crest of the road, I found the town spread before me, a tapestry of grey, blue and reddish brown thread. There was a clutter of men and women, carts and animals, all on their way to the market. I chased after them, closing in at every stride. It felt easy at first, but just as I caught the nearest of the market-goers, my legs became as heavy as my brother’s sword. My lungs burnt like they were scorched by fire. There wasn’t time to slow down. I clenched my fists and passed two ox carts, then dodged round the weaver’s son leading his tired donkey with its heavy load. Closer to town, Lysander’s uncle carried a sack of wool on his shoulders, singing as he always did and calling out to me, as if it was an ordinary day.

More small huts sprang up on either side of the road. Dust stang my eyes but I ran on, the houses becoming a blur until I reached the outskirts of town. In front of the carpenters’ houses, a group of children squatted by the roadside, playing a game of stones. A dark haired boy looked up and left the others to run with me, his naked body glistening in the sunlight.

The boy’s company lightened my legs and we picked up speed, forcing ourselves on through the stench from the tanners’ workshops. He took the lead and raced along a row of mud brick houses. I snatched a breath. The skilled tradesmen lived in these bigger homes and it meant we were near the centre of town.  

“The market, I can hear it,” the boy shouted.

There was only a low murmur of voices at first, but as I followed him down a dip in the road, it grew into a babble of noise: the sound of men and women, mules and donkeys, even pipes and the rattle of metal and wood, all competing for attention in the chaos of the market ahead. The boy ran along a curve in the road and then stopped, his way suddenly blocked by a thick wedge of people.

He turned to me. “What now?”

It looked as if half of Ithaca was crushed into the confined space of the courtyard, herded together like sheep in the pen of a careless shepherd.

“You go home, I can get to the palace from here,” I gasped. “But tell me your name.”

“Nessus, youngest son of Remus, the ship builder.” He gave a quick bow of his head and turned to jog back. After a few strides, he glanced over his shoulder. “Lady Neomene, one day I’ll be the fastest runner in Ithaca. I’ll race for you.”

  I smiled and waved to him before forcing my way into the gaggle of chattering women and busy slaves.

Traders shouted as they boasted about the taste of their apples or the sharpness of their axeheads and ploughs. People jostled and laughed. I ignored them all and squeezed through a small gap in the crowd. Then finding a barrier of stalls ahead, I dipped under one and crawled to the other side. The fair-haired daughter of one of the palace officials stared down at me, open-mouthed.

“Neomene, Neomene, what are you doing? You haven’t got Lysander under there, have you? You know how furious your mother will be.” Finding I was alone, her face brightened. “Come and see the fine cloth from Pylos. They’ve some wonderful colours. You’ll love the red.”  

“Not today, I must go home,” I cried, not looking back at her but diving into the sea of people and pushing through to the other side of the courtyard.

Once clear of the market, I paused for a moment and studied the steep incline to the palace. It wasn’t far now. I’d raced up the hill many times when I’d stayed in the town too long and feared my mother would discover me missing. I aimed for the potter’s hut half-way up the hill and counted each workshop and house as I ran.

The potter grinned when I touched the wheel. It was what all Ithacan children did when they needed good fortune; no doubt he’d done the same when he was a child. I wiped the sweat from my eyes and took another deep breath. The tops of Father’s trees beckoned me onwards, calling from the other side of the palace fence. I took off again, forcing my heavy legs to make one final effort. Skirting along the base of the wall, I ran to the wooden gateway where a stocky guard jumped to attention. I nodded my head and hurried along the path to the entrance.

“What is it, girl? Have the Spartans come?” It was Euryclea, my old nurse, sitting under the trees with my ten year old sister.

“Yes, the ship,” I gasped, running past.

Without waiting for Euryclea’s reaction, I raced up the steps and pushed through the heavy doors into the hall. My feet clattered on the stone stairs two at a time, my heart still pounding and my chest tight. At the top I saw my brother walking quickly towards me.

“Odysseus, it’s the ship! Menelaus is here.”

My brother put his finger to his lips and then caught my arm, helping me into Penelope’s private chamber.

“Quietly, no need to alarm everyone. Now, are you sure? Did you see the lion’s head?” He closed the door behind us and led me to a chair.

“Yes, yes, I waited until I saw it. Just as you said.”

I leant forward, hands on my knees, struggling for breath and willing my legs to stop shaking.  Penelope moved nearby, settling her son in his crib and then placing her arm around me. I looked into her face and noticed a momentary glimmer of fear before she drew herself up and smiled.

“You must have run all the way. Odysseus, fetch your sister a drink. She needs water before we do anything else.”

Reassured by Penelope’s calm voice, I took the cup and listened to her instructions. “Use my wash bowl to freshen up. Then I’ll help you prepare for Menelaus.”

I gulped down the water and watched dark-haired Penelope extract two items from her clothes chest. She held a coarse woollen tunic against my brother, smiling as she did so.

“What do you think, husband?” she said.

Osysseus kissed her forehead. “Perfect, that’s perfect, exactly what I need.” He unclipped the gold brooch on his carefully woven tunic and Penelope helped him slip into the woollen one. He adjusted it on his shoulders and rotated his arms. His smile faded as he scratched his chest and then his back. “Are you sure it’s clean? It feels like the previous owner left a few friends behind.”

“It’s newly spun this season, though my young attendants enjoyed pulling it out of shape for you. Now stop scratching and you’ll get used to it,” Penelope laughed.

I washed quickly and smiled as my sister-in-law tied a leather strap around Odysseus’waist.

“This will keep it in place,” she said.

Odysseus scratched his neck. “In place? It hasn’t got a place. It’s like a meal sack.”

Penelope took a step back and inclined her head as she looked at him, her eyes shining. “Yes, I see what you mean. It doesn’t show off that broad chest of yours and it gives the impression of a paunch.” She patted Odysseus’ stomach. “Fortunately, your sister’s attire is much more refined.”

Penelope handed me one of her own robes and nodded at her dressing table. “Try the amber brooch. It will complement this yellow robe nicely.”

I touched the orange fire of the stone. Mother claimed amber was a guard against evil spirits and it looked so warm and alive, I almost believed it. I pulled off my tunic and Penelope wrapped the smooth cloth around me.

There were footsteps outside the door, but it was only Euryclea bustling in, out of breath and dragging my young sister with her.

My brother took Euryclea’s hand and pointed to his tunic. “Just look what my dear wife is making me wear. All I need now is a mule to yoke with an ox.”

Euryclea stared at him and frowned, her brown eyes narrowing in suspicion. She was a slave, Odysseus was her king, but she had once been his nurse and sometimes the authority of a nurse overrode the power of a king. “What are you thinking? This isn’t the time for one of your jokes. King Menelaus will be here at the harbour and you will have to go...”  

Odysseus held up a hand. “No, no, I’m being serious. Menelaus must go from here believing I am mad; this tunic is part of the act.”

The old nurse glanced at Penelope and was only satisfied when she nodded her head. “It’s true, Euryclea. We want Menelaus to think Odysseus has lost his mind and cannot join the alliance against Troy. Menelaus of Sparta may do what his brother Agamemnon tells him to, but the women of Ithaca do not want their men to die because of King Agamemnon and his lust for Trojan gold and women.”

  My brother smiled at his wife. “You and Neomene know the story, but if Menelaus wants to see me, I’ll be on the North Beach sowing salt. I’m sure you can look distraught enough.”

“And so can I,” Euryclea said, holding onto his arm and shaking it. “I’ve spent more than twenty five years caring for you and watching you grow from a baby to a boy and then to a prince and king. I will weep for you and show King Menelaus how I despair. See how unhappy I am to even think of such a thing.” She tugged at her greying hair. Real tears glistened in her eyes and then slid down her face.

My sister glanced at me from the other side of the room and I looked away quickly, biting my lip. Odysseus led Euryclea to the door. “I don’t want you upsetting yourself, so I’ve another important task for you. Mother is nervous and might give everything away. Find an excuse to stay with her and make sure she stays in her room.”

Nodding solemnly, Euryclea beckoned to my sister. “Come Ctimene, I need your help. We’ll find the latest oils and fragrances from the mainland and see which you and your mother prefer.”

Ctimene hesitated and then stood her ground, looking at Odysseus with sad eyes.  I grimaced, knowing what was coming next. Keeping the sad eyes on Odysseus, she spoke in the irritating voice she reserved especially for him and Father.

“But I want to meet King Menelaus,” she whined, twisted her hair around her fingers. “I’ll walk down to the harbour with Neomene and the guards. I will tell him to go away and leave us alone.You know he’ll take more notice of me.”

Odysseus’ lips twitched but finally he managed a frown. “When you’re Neomene’s age, you will meet many princes and kings, but for now you must obey Euryclea and look after Mother. Go now. I order it.”

My sister sighed. Then she shot an angry look at me as Euryclea pulled her from the chamber.

Odysseus blew out his cheeks. “That’s Mother, Euryclea and Ctimene dealt with.” He watched Penelope pin the amber brooch onto my robe. “And you look the part, Neomene. I’d not realised you’d grown so tall.”

Penelope tied my hair in a braid with her quick, nimble fingers. “You’ve not been looking, my husband. See how pretty she is, all ready to greet the king of Sparta.” She smiled at me, filling me with confidence. “Don’t look so anxious now, you have nothing to fear from Menelaus. He will listen to what you have to say.”

Odysseus took my arm. “The guards at the gate know what’s expected and they’ll escort you down to the harbour. I’ll need time to prepare myself, so delay Menelaus as much as possible.” He lowered his voice as he opened the door. “And may the goddess Athena use her wisdom to guide you in the art of persuasion and deception.”

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jrapilliard wrote 242 days ago

Dear Cherry, I have just backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John.

bigmouth wrote 244 days ago

I am a few chapters in and enjoying this. I am a big fan of the Odyssey and Iliad and always intrigued by stories that attempt to revisit those tales.

I like the angle you have taken, Odysseus' sister as narrator and am intrigued to see which parts of the 'known' story you choose to include.

I came across a few anachronisms - would someone 'jog' back in ancient Greece? - and it took me a while to get comfortable with the fact that characters are essentially speaking in a fairly modern style, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying the book.

The writing style is simple and easy to read but perhaps lacks a visceral quality that I think it might need. I am seeing what is going on through the narrator's eyes but I am not feeling it, smelling it, sensing it. It could do with more muscle, more sinew, being a bit more gritty.

That being said, a very good read thus far.

Tom Bye wrote 247 days ago

Hello Cherry--
The girl from ithaca- book one--------

i backed this book some 333 days ago now and came back in to read chunks more.
at that time i said that it was a most satisfying read and deserved to go to the top.
i certainly deserves a higher place at this stage.
the prose and dialogue capture the era in Greece to a tee. as for the literary writing, this is first class.
i give it my six star rating now.
tom bye
book
from hugs to kisses'

strachan gordon wrote 326 days ago

Very,very good,i always think its very brave to tackle the Classical era,because the standard of historical fiction is so high - Robery Graves,Mary Renault,Gore Vidal(Julian is my favourite classical fiction novel).To choose Ithaca as a setting is always captivating and ,of course,you couldn't really have a better hero than Odyssyeus - the problem being that everybody has their conception of what he was like.On my Watchlist,would you be so kind as to have a look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' about Pirates in the 17th century,thankyou so much,Strachan Gordon

PCreturned wrote 373 days ago

Hi again Cherry,

I've popped over to have another peek at your book. I'm busily rereading some of my favourite works on authonomy to see what I think the 2nd time round.

hang on while I have a peek. cue muzak...

*tingty ting ting tingty ting*

OK I've now peeked. I think it's safe to say I still like The Girl from Ithaca a lot. :)

The book's a great twist on the Homeric texts, showing us the long-overlooked female side of events. You also doa great job of getting us into the mindset of the ancient Greeks by releasing telling bits of information, little by little. I also like the way you introduce Ithaca via Nemone's dash to tell the news of the approaching ship. V clever. ;)

Best of all, Nemone makes a great character: strong, clever and interesting. I can see readers really rooting for her as they follow her adventures. :)

Since the starring system didn't even exist when I last read this, I'm giving you as many stars as possible right now. I really hope you manage to get this published. I really can see it selling well. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Nigel Fields wrote 385 days ago

Cherry,
Chapter two rachets up the tension, though with subtlety. Beginning with Neomene's trusted escorts who could be counted on not to 'repeat the lies.' Her laugh sounding high pitched and nervous to her ears while the guards didn't seem to notice. Then the interchange between Neomene and Palamedes had enough imperfection (her disastrous speech) to make it perfect for credibility and continued sympathy. Good last paragragh for this scene, cloak flapping around Palamedes' bony legs and all.
Very nice.
John B Campbell

Nigel Fields wrote 387 days ago

Hi Cherry,
Not sure yet if I'm a Stampman's Orphan yet or not, but I wanted to begin commenting on your book. Chapter one is well-polished. More importantly, it's fabulous. Here's why: You establish what's at hand, as well as the setting and our initial characters, especially our Lady Neomene, as smoothly as the dark stain flowing upon the blue of the sea. That opening line is a winner, too. You've woven in plenty of natural tension, along with filial warmth to get us hooked. I thoroughly enjoyed this and have no nits so far. I'm afraid I need to read in fits and starts oftentimes. I'll try to comment on the next two chapters soon. Highly starred.
Best,
John B Campbell
(Walk to Paradise Garden)

KGleeson wrote 395 days ago

This continues to be a very capably written novel that creates wonderful tension in many scenes. It's solid work for a mainstream novel with just enough descriptions that don't overburden the storyline and full character development. The pace is just about right. The journey in chapter 4 does slow it down a bit with some exposition through dialogue but not enough that I would consider tightening it up (this might be aggravated by reading online instead of in a book). Chapter 5 redeems itself as the pace quickens and the tension mounts. Great chapter. One little nit is that you might consider using dashes instead of elipses when you have a person break off in mid sentence. The dash infers and interruption whereas elipses indicate tailing off. Well done and I'll keep reading. Kristin

Jay Adiyarath wrote 401 days ago

Hi Cherry,

You have an epic on hand and I cant help believing it. I wonder why an agent hasn't already summoned the book for publishing and I daresay made into a movie as well.
I cannot do more but to shower stars on it and place it on my bookshelf.
All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

KGleeson wrote 401 days ago

I've read the first few chapters of your book and thought you had a wonderful opening. You give the reader a real sense of urgency in her running and to feel the energy expenditure. I really love the premise and think it's great to have the women's point of view of this very male tale. I think you made a great choice in selecting his sister. You've also captured the esssence of the backstory well and give a real sense of place with your descriptions. Just a few little minor corrections: in chapter one, it should be "dust stung my eyes" and the lungs burned (I presume they were still burning since she continued to run). Also in chapter 2 I thought you would want to know that you accidently omitted the word "has" in " looks like Thad gone and lost them again." These are all minor points to what are well written opening chapters. I will definitely read on. Kristin, Selkie Dreams

Francene Stanley wrote 404 days ago

On reading the changes in Chapter 1, I find it much improved on what was an already masterful first chapter. I could visualize the long run as Neomene made her way through the town. You've set the scene wonderfully and shown the urgency of the situation and how her brother plans to wriggle out of sailing away to leave his country.

Why does the boy shout about the market? I think you need a few words to explain his immediate response.
Echo elert: "... stay with her and make sure she stays in her room. "//I'd swap the second with 'remains'.

This story will grip the reader's imagination with a new twist on the romantic tale.

rhine wrote 406 days ago

chapter one. very good grammar, and smooth flowing.
nits:
twenty-five
woollen -> woolen
opinions:
you repeat the lions on the sail too often.
burning fire in the lungs was trite

I suggest Tad William's Otherworld series, he dedicates a virtual world to Troy and the main characters are trapped in it. Ditto for Dan Simmon's Olympos. Both find new twists.
Scott Rhine (Jezebel's Ladder)

nuknuk wrote 407 days ago

Your pitch drew me in and i'm glad it did. It was a great read and I hope it goes far.
Leslie
"Love has no borders"


Ron Mitchell wrote 433 days ago

You have a good storyline with interesting dialogue. I saw the picture of this drama as it unfolded before me. There is great promise in this book. I wish you all the luck to get this published. Please remember December Gold in your reading. Thanks.

FeSladen wrote 440 days ago

Hi Cherry,
I have just read through the first few chapters of your novel Girl From Ithaca. Here are my thoughts...

You have some lovely descriptions embedded in the text. Some of my favourites were:
The town spread before me, a tapestry of grey, blue and reddish brown thread
My lungs burnt like they were scorched by fire

Paragraphs 8 and 9 in chapter 1 give something that a lot of novels set in the period lack(or fail at): a sense of a lived-in world. The dog barking, the old men of the town chatting together, the men/women/carts/animals on their way to the market, poeple carrying, singing etc. It all sounds really basic, but it's those sorts of things that build up the landscape and soundscape of a good story. Throughout your writing, you create settings perfectly.

Your dialogue works well with the style of your writing, as well as the perceived assumptions we have of Ancient Greek dialect and formality. It's not overly-formal, but just formal enough to fit the period.

Near the end of chapter 2, you've created a very moving moment when Penelope kneels down beside her husband. Simply done, but effective.

Only a couple of things niggled at me as I read...

It's very clichéd in a novel based on the Ancient Greeks, to have the appearance of an eagle soaring overhead and link it the possibility of it being Zeus. I've read it in quite a few other books where characters look up and say, "Ah, that must be Zeus". It's just my opinion, but I think your book can succeed without it.

As beautiful as the first chapter is, I do feel that it is a little bit longwinded. I got halfway through and realised she was still running! Maybe have another read through and consider condensing it down slightly. I don't know, I think that the length seems to take away the urgency of the scene.

Otherwise, it's a great start to what I think will be a brilliant novel. I am happily backing this with the intention of finishing it soon.

All the best
Fe
'This Salted Earth'

Andrew Keeton wrote 441 days ago

I just finished the Odyssey and the Aenied and I must say that I wasn't drawn to those books at first but eventually came around. This book was the same way, you are a very talented writer and this is a wonderful book, good job.

Dedalus wrote 495 days ago

I usually detest anything thats based on the classics from Antiquity, but I mmust admit that this was a rather lively and entertaining read. I don't know if I was supposed to find this rather humourous, but I did - mostly through the dialogue, e.g. Odysseus saying "I'm being serious". I won't lie, your characters certainly don't resemble much of the ancient author's which is mainly felt through dialogue and the different narrative techniques, but you have presented an interesting story that would also double as a bit of an educator in the heroes of Ancient Greece.

Regards,
Joe

Topkela wrote 503 days ago

I see you're making progress.

CMTStibbe wrote 510 days ago

Greek mythology is a firm favorite of mine. After reading your pitch, I was well and truly hooked. The powerful characters bring this story vibrantly to life. You have cleverly evoked the time. A deep understanding of the culture, and the art of the period is consistent and well described. I think this story is more compelling than many I have read on the subject. Well written and many starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Marita A. Hansen wrote 515 days ago

Chapter 3: Another very clean and polished chapter. The only thing I could find to get rid of (and I feel embarrassed mentioning it because it’s so minor) is: I nodded my head. *I’d take out “my head.” It goes without saying what she’s nodding. That’s it! Everything else ran smoothly. I liked the mention of Helen and Clytemnestra. Penelope is very right in saying that Clytemnestra is unlucky to marry Agamemnon, but then again you could turn that around from Agamemnon’s point of view and say he’s the unlucky one :) After all she did kill him. But then again, what he did with Cassandra...

In relation to Neomene: I was wondering how things would progress with telling her story, since she’s not the one going off to war. I think it’s a good idea having Neomene going to Mycenae. It pushes the story forward, and opens up all sorts of possibility, especially since she is now of marrying age. It’s quite funny how in different periods of times age is regarded in a different light. Now 14 is just a kid, back then a girl of this age is a potential wife.

Anyway, I'll stop here for now. Merry Christmas – Marita.

Elizabeth.NYC wrote 517 days ago

I was intrigued by your pitch since I'm a perpetual student of Greek myth (my first book is about god Dionysus in a contemporary story). I found your narrative style ideal for this type of book - there's a great sense of history and culture here. I believe history is always alive and significant, but it takes a good reader to bring its value to a reader. In my opinion, you are accomplishing this. Your narrative shows an excellent mastery of the genre, and what I really enjoyed was that you chose to write the story in first person. It works. I look forward to following Neomene in her adventure. I'm happy to back this.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

RebeccaT wrote 520 days ago

Rather a lot of words to describe a girls journey from the coast to the palace shedding info dumps on the way.

You overdescribe the event, it gets boring after a while, say it and have done with it.

This genre is old hat.

Older than vampire stories.

History novels are better disguised as a romance.

Romance sells.

Your story sounds interesting. I suggest you tighten it up - a lot.

Best of luck - with your romantic novel.

CarolinaAl wrote 520 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start to what is surely an exciting adventure. Interesting main character. Vivid, atmospheric descriptions. Realistic dialogue. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'I knew they were coming, coming for Odysseus and all the men of Ithaca' hooked me.
2) ' ... urgently shouting his name.' Technically, the pronoun 'his' refers to Odysseus. Is this what you intended?
3) ' ... it grew into a babble of noise.' Is 'of noise' implied in the word 'babble.'
4) "Now stop scratching and you'll get used to it," Penelope laughed. Period after 'it.' You can't laugh dialogue, so 'Penelope laughed' isn't a dialogue tag (tells who said something).
5) "But I want to meet King Menelaus," she whined, twisted her hair around her fingers. 'Twisted' should be 'twisting.'
6) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible read by Harper Collins at the end of this month. Would you consider reading the first chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a spectacular day.

Happy holidays.

Al

Cecily Macintyre wrote 526 days ago

You start with a great plot of course but this is very much your own book because of the character of (and because it is narrated from the viewpoint of) Neomene. N is brave and feisty, she is stuck in a man's world but retains her femaleness without being girly or cutesy.

The story is for the most part linear and I think that that works very well and it ties this retelling back to the classic Greek tales. There is a real momentum from chapter to chapter which is good.

There is a cast of hundreds. I think that the number of characters is deftly handled but of course there are times when the reader is going to struggle to remember who eg. Phoebus is and where his alliances lie. I don't this is a big problem (indeed it's an asset when it comes to giving the story scale). I suspect that the more you read the less aware you become of this but in a published version maybe you could have some sort of 'map' which showed the islands/ centres and listed the main Trojans (Kings, family members etc), Ithacans, Cretans etc. to refer back to.

One of the pleasures of your writing is how minor characters are drawn. For example in ch. 7 the escort leader with his clean nails and perfume, 'Despite his tight lipped expression and austere voice, this man cared more about his appearance than most Greek men did." or the ghastly Calches who cannot chant. in Ch. 8 you've got Thadeus and his goats (Odysseus wanted to send them as a secret weapon to sap the morale of the Trojans).

There are some lovely turns of phrase and you bring things alive. So, for example, in Ch. 10 Agamemnon s not ready with his tactics, 'It was almost as if the palace cook had waited till the guests sat down at the tables before she'd told the huntsman to hunt down a stag.'

At the beginning there were a couple of 'twinkling eyes' type descriptions - I'm not keen on those although it's a personal thing and anyway there weren't many.

I've mentioned to you before that I think this would be great for the teenage market. This is in no way a reflection on the sophistication of the writing but because Neomene is such a great teenage heroine - classically cool.

I've read more chapters now than when I first commented and I feel the same - there's nothing that isn't appropriate for teenagers. My daughter has read some too and would buy this book (she also loved the cover!). This isn't to say that adults won't enjoy it too.

This has been on my bookshelf and it will be back on my bookshelf.

This very well edited. The transitions from chapter to chapter are great - the story moves on at each point. There are tiny things I noticed (eg. a couple of typos) but you don't need these type of things pointed out, they'll come out on a final read through.

Marita A. Hansen wrote 530 days ago

Chapter 2: A very good chapter, well-paced, and interesting. You drew everything well, from Neomene's deceit, Palamede's horrid character, Menelau's more noble character, and Odysseus and Penelope's anguish at what he has to do, and what was almost done to their son. The history and significance of Paris and Helen's story is also nicely interweaved into this chapter. I have absolutely no suggestion for change here. It worked very well. I will comment further when I read chapter 3. All the best, Marita.

Margaret Woodward wrote 533 days ago

I am starring this highly and will put it on my shelf in a day or two because
a) it is so delightfully written
b) it is a great new perspective on an old story and may bring in the female reader as well as the male
c) although I have not read it all and am sure some of the later scenes will be challenging, I think this is also certainly good enough to entice young adults into the classics and possibly older children.
d) the 'ancient story/fairy tale' whiff is a wonderful ingredient in a re-telling which is otherwise direct, humane and full of mature emotions and characters.
e) I've always rather liked Menelaus. I am glad you made him have the grace to feel ashamed of his horrible side-kick!

You aim for the adult market but we sometimes underestimate what kids can cope with. This is also a market where a lot of buying is done, often of more expensive, well produced copies. Kids know how much they can take and will set aside something, not necessarily permanently, which is either beyond them or is currently too emotive. Later they often go back to books which have caught them sufficiently and I think this would. I am an advocate of good books for young people and some of the best writing in the world is either aimed at them or inadvertantly lands before them. This, I feel, sure, is just such a book. It deserves to flourish.

Margaret

Marita A. Hansen wrote 538 days ago

This is a really good first chapter, with a new take on Odysseus and the Trojan War from a female's perspective. I liked Neomene. Thus far, you've portrayed her as a strong and likeable character. Your settings are also very well portrayed, giving the reader an excellent picture, eg. the ship, the ridge, the market, as well as the people she passes by. After the long run (could slightly be shortened), I liked it even more when Odysseus was introduced. He was always one of my favourites when I was a kid, and you've continued this trend by making him a very likeable character. I was amused at his intentions on trying to fool Menelaus into believing that he'd lost his mind so he didn't have to go to Troy. But unfortunately for Odysseus, I know he doesn't have a choice. However, this is really good character building stuff, and quite entertaining.

I noticed two typos:
1) fourteen year old should be fourteen-year-old.
2) Osysseus kissed her forehead. "Perfect, that's perfect..." An extra "s" got in there: Odysseus

All up, a very good start. You will be introducing a whole new generation into this great tale through your fresh approach. I will read chapter 2 another day when I get some more time. All the best, Marita.

andyqw wrote 539 days ago

I don't usually leave comments, the interpretation of others' work being a peculiar weakness of mine, but I thought I'd leave a wee note to say how much I enjoyed your first few chapters; Greek mythology as written from the perspective of the women involved was an idea I first came across in "Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man" by Joseph Heller. This hasn't disappointed, and I'll catch up with the remaining chapters the first opportunity I get. Good luck.

andyqw wrote 539 days ago

I don't usually leave comments, the interpretation of others' work being a peculiar weakness of mine, but I thought I'd leave a wee note to say how much I enjoyed your first few chapters; Greek mythology as written from the perspective of the women involved was an idea I first came across in "Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man" by Joseph Heller. This hasn't disappointed, and I'll catch up with the remaining chapters the first opportunity I get. Good luck.

Margaret Woodward wrote 539 days ago

Dear Cherry,

Not before time! I look forward to reading this. I have WLed it and may shelve it. Will definitely get back to you when I have read it.

Margaret Woodward: The Devil's Bairn

Wussygirl wrote 540 days ago

Chapter 18...and more lovely writing, Cherry. Now I know why you are so good at fight scenes - you do them so well! And even here, where the 'fight' is reported, rather than actual, we really do feel the vicarious thrill of battle!

Also, the minute attention to detail - even noting the clay tablets which were rudimentary forms of writing - continues to impress. I really feel like I'm in ancient Greece. The humour too...a very fine thread of humour runs through the text like a gently bubbling brook...

My notes (for what they're worth):

line 1. A full stop after 'dawn'?

para 4. 'It's probably because he IS a Trojan' (itals for 'is')

We jumped as three blasts of horn (cut 'the')

hyphen alert: '...with a story-teler or a shepherd - at least I've got something to say..'

next para. 'Oh, I almost forgot' (insert 'I')

Perhaps she's finding it hard work (finding..demanding...two many ings)

Aeneas? THE Aeneas? Oh, this is exciting!

I close my eyes and see A (not 'the') mad woman

Hyphen alert: My eyes stayed on Antilochus until Apollo charged into the camp - like an overexcited child....

Same para: more emphasis needed - Achilles! Achilles! Achilles! (suggest itals here too)

their armour 'changling'? Clattering? Clinking? Clanging? Bing-boinging?

Big Ajax? Sounds like a detergent. 'big Ajax' better?

'Just think yourself lucky/fortunate' (not 'fortune')

3rd para from end. 'Memnon', explained Odysseus. 'Nearly as strong as Ajax.'

last para. 'I'll join those men,' Odysseus smiled. 'And if you've finished here...'

Phew, that's it, Cherry. Sorry I'm so slow.

Wussygirl wrote 544 days ago

Chapter 17. ..And Neomene demonstrates that she can be every bit as devious as her calculating brother - buying time for Io by beguiling the bullish Agamemnon. We also learn a LOT about ancient medicine, courtesy of the meticulous Machaon. Nicely done, Cherry - particularly liked the quip about healing being 'easy work' cos anybody who dies isn't around to complain!

A very few suggests:

line one: not sure about the spider 'within' its web thing. Either change within to 'in' (less of a mouthful) or use a shorter simile, say 'like a lion cornering its prey.'

not sure about 'bloody' as in 'I just want to know where the bloody man is, that's all.' How about 'cursed'?

'dammed' rumours should be 'damned' or (maybe less slangy) ' unholy'

Agamemnon stated....making for Nicodamus'S tent

'Odysseus'S sister, come here!'

His face turned dark red. The following sentence should continue on into the one after (ie. no para break).

I HAD (not having) a horrible feelng AND gave the dog one more prod.

Elissa nodded...'means there's another man FREE (not freed) to go the fighting.

Machaon touched the blade very lightly. He licked the blood he'D (not he's) drawn from his finger.

*These are only suggestions, Cherry - take or leave as you wish.

Andi x

Susanna.K.James wrote 546 days ago

Like so many others on here I loved your first few chapters, Cherry. You have real style and an amazing ability to transport the reader back in time to that sun-drenched island - I could feel the heat and was quickly immersed in the bustle of an ancient Greek market.

Knowing as I do that Aristotle famously pronounced that : "women are lower than slaves." I do have a few reservations about women of that time being allowed to rule Greek countries and Royal Princesses being allowed to run unchaperoned around the countryside, however, I quickly found, that if I suspended my disbelief I thoroughly enjoyed it. If you ever have trouble finding a publisher, I would suggest that you make Neomene into Penelope's hand maiden (the well brought up daughter of some impoverished warrior who has fallen on hard times perhaps?) And I would have Queen Penelope meeting the boat in the harbour and Palamedes being equally rude and sexist towards her. Naturally, Neomene would accompany her mistress.

(The scene with the fuss about about the tunic irritated slightly and I think it could cut as it slows down the narrative.)

Overall, I think that you have real talent and the basis for a hugely popular novel. I have no trouble giving this a high star rating and will place it on my shelf as soon as I have a spot. Good Luck.

jsosniak wrote 549 days ago

As I said before, you are very talented. I absolutely love this premise. I do know a little about the face that could launch a thousand ships and you tell it wonderfully through Neomene's eyes. I like her very much. She is curious and playful but very brave at only 14. I also enjoyed the language. It seems right for the setting but also easy to read. I put things down after just a few sentences when I have to concentrate too much. Lazy, I know, but it's my reality. Your writing is smooth. I also like how you build the anticipation - Noemene running to the palace, wondering how she will act with Menelaus, wondering how Odysseus will do with his crazy act, etc... It kept me reading. I felt sorry for Noemene when Palamedes gave her a hard time when she was faking that she actually knew of him. You put humor into this scene nicely. I found two nit-pics in the chapters I read: chapter one - Osysseus (Odysseus) kissed her forehead... / Chapter two - A second man pushed...raven black hair."Where's the rogue Odysseus?" (No space between hair."Where's)

Your writing is so flawless that I didn't find any in chapter three. I intend to come back to your book for my own enjoyment. I love historical fiction. I'm shelving this because I truly believe it is publishable. It's a unique perspective too. I wish you luck and I hope you will share your road to publishing with me. Thanks again for your help with mine too. ;)

Jennifer Sosniak
The Legend of the White Buffalo

Wussygirl wrote 549 days ago

Chapter 16. More fine descriptive writing, Cherry, as the death of Palamedes takes us by shock and Odysseus 'distracts' yet again with an exciting chariot race. This chapter reads like a dream and gives us a fascinating insider look at the 'thinking' of Ancient Greeks, young and old. Neomene is a wonderful lst person narrator, and I have become one with her world.

A few suggests:

para 1. delete 'the' from 'spying on the Amazons'

para 3. 'ended up IN (not into) an untidy heap. Also, try 'checking for signs of life' not 'checking for breathing.' bending and breathing in one sentence?

4. 'falling back I AND forced myself'. Delete the 'and'

Odysseus: 'It's done now,' he said. 'His pyre is lit and the ceremony over.'

CUT 'Odysseus added' after 'stone him as a traitor.'

,why not Palamedes. Change to .Why not Palamedes?'

about Agamemon: '...and HE looks about to speak.'

Hyphen alert: 'I suppose we'd better keep a look out (not look-out) for Agamemnon'

'That sounds like a pleasant job, all THOSE (not the) nice fleeces'

'lanolin' - did ancient Greeks know this word?

last sentence: sounds a little awkward. Try: But she had no chance to move.
'Woman, stay where you are!' Agamemnon called out. 'I want a word with both of you!'

Hope this helps, Cherry - and thanks again for all YOUR help.

Andi x

brinskie1 wrote 551 days ago

The Girl from Ithaca - An excellent first chapter. I'm shelving now and will return with comments after reading more if I see anything I think might be helpful to mention. I like this story line and the pace and - well what's not to like here? Both narration and dialogue are practically flawless, although I think your descriptions are right on without the need to inform us that someone 'gasped' when they spoke. I don't think you really need it, especially more than once. And you might consider doing away with your use of 'then' when moving things along on at least a couple of occasions. These things really stand out when the writing is of such high caliber.

G
Einstein's Road Trip [ I would really like to see your take on Einstein, an offbeat lit. fiction with a touch of mystical realism, if your time allows. Thanks. ]

StarSeeker wrote 553 days ago

I found this to be a delightful story to read. You bring such a fresh approach --and found I related well to Neomene.
It has been so long since I read or studied any Greek mythology...but this was a nice and approachable.
Sue

Wussygirl wrote 557 days ago

Chap 15:

LOVED this 'Amazonian Interlude', Cherry. What a fab insight into not just these fabled women's lives, but also into how they must have been viewed by by other Greek women of those times as well - as vividly 'imagined' by Neomene. Very nicely done, and yet another interesting departure from machismo Homer. I can really see this whole book doing well with the girl teen set - should be required reading in schools!

Well-edited too - hardly any suggests from my end.

But....

para 1. 'along the whole length of THE coast'?

para 2. Too much dialogue in one chunk. Break up? Suggest 'announced Odysseus' after 'lower city', and then 'He was speaking at the war council inside of our hut,' after 'very unhappy.'

para 3. 'asked Agamemnon' after 'troops'. Again, to break up dialogue.

para 5. 'waiting for COMMENT' ? (not inspiration). Nestor is about to offer 'encouragement' anyway!

para 7. 'them', not 'the Amazons' again.

I looked at Elissa - but I (not 'I'd') didn't want to cross into Trojan land..

But Elissa stood up, 'ready to begin the search' (too many 'the Amazons' again)

She took one last glance at the formidable female fighters, (not the Amazons again!)

Io:'Apollo probably DID that on purpose'? Unless Io is Mae West (Apollo 'done her wrong', lol!)

last line. you don't need, IMHO, "d'ya think". Reads much better without it.

Hope this helps, Cherry, and I'll get onto 17 tomorrow. Are there any more Amazons in it?

Doc wrote 559 days ago

Hi Cherry! I've only read two chapters, but I think this is wonderful. I love historical novels, especially the story of Troy. A couple of typos:

1. 'Looks like Thaddeus (has) lost...'
2. 'His sickness is (a) great loss...'
3. Where you stutter/pause 'I'm, I'm Neomene...' I would use 'I'm... I'm Neomene...' to indicate such.

Good luck with it. Tim

ScottStrosahl wrote 561 days ago

Stampman Review:
So, I’ve read the first three chapters, and I think you have a great story that just needs a bit of polishing. Overall, I think it's enjoyable and a pretty easy read that makes you want to keep going. I definitely feel like I care about the characters, which is not always the case with books on this site.

I've e-mailed my more specific comments to keep it shorter on the site here.

Backed and enjoyed.

- Scott

Wussygirl wrote 564 days ago

A perilous place to be, a 14-year old girl in the midst of thousands of lustful soldiers deprived of their wives. But the spirited Neomene prevails again...

Enjoyed chap 14, Cherry. You're painting the scene with masterly brushstrokes, the tension of "waiting" now building up in the Greek army to palpable levels.

Very CLEAN too - hardly any typos.

para 3. suggest "she HAD (not 'she'd') a talent for..." and "Now I needn't worry" (not need 'to'))

Patroclus: "Your brother's playing dice" sentence is missing a 'said' at the end (i.e. 'he said')

The dice. First Neomen 'wasn't sure how Odysseus did it' (cheated) and then, later, she calls the dice 'loaded'. How does she now know?

How old IS Odysseus anyway? He comes across as being an old sea-hand, with a long-standing reputation for cheating and cunning, yet Neomene is treating him as only slighter more old than she is: ' You're turning into mother.' What IS the age difference between them (bearing in mind that I might have missed it, having read chaps 1 to 3, then 9 on).

Last, who is 'trapped' by the Greek army later on. First Neomene says 'It looked as though WE (*the Greeks) were trapped already', and then, only a para later, that 'Perhaps PARIS wished he was not trapped within the walls of Troy.' Did I miss something again?

Good luck with your editing, Cherry - not that you need much! - and I think I owe you another chap? Can't remember, since yesterday was lost to Frank's sleep clinic (he's only sleeping 3 hours a day now - explains a lot!) and I'm bushed too.

P.S. I read somewhere that you also have health problems? I'm so sorry

Andi

matt.thomas wrote 565 days ago

Very cool idea. I'm liking it so far. On the shelf.

HPHarling wrote 566 days ago

I think this is an ambitious subject which you have tackled with confidence. I get a real impression that you have a strong belief in your characters. I have read the first Chapter and dipped into other parts. For me the opening has a little too much extraneous detail which takes away from the urgency of the action- although I appreciate that you want the reader to know these things. I would be inclined to reserve some of the details for longer descriptive passages interspersed with the action as the novel progresses- just a thought.
I think it has the potential to be very successful and have therefore put it on my bookshelf with pleasure. HP

Andrew Stevens wrote 567 days ago

A polished, pacey read. Good stuff. On my shelf and best of luck. A

Ceeds wrote 567 days ago

So sorry - meant to rate this a four star but the mouse slipped or something. will have another go!

Ceeds wrote 567 days ago

Ooh, it looks like Odysseus is going to be up to his tricks again! What fun this looks to be - have only read chpt 1 so far but as an old classicist (Greek and Latin) this is right up my street. I was recomended by Wussygirl and how right she was. Straight on my BS. Good luck. Ceeds
JOE'S NAN

monstermom wrote 568 days ago

Hi Cherry, I just found your story today for the first time and I must say that I was very excited to find a read about ancient Ithaca, Odysseus and a new take on the Homer idea. I have to say a few comments that I hope you find helpful.

First, I found myself wanting to fast forward after Neomene ran up the hill, she showed excitement, urgency but then once finding Odysseus everything seems to slow, the whole speed of the moment chills.

Second, even though I found that I was following along knowing where Neomene is, what she is doing and how she is going about it I felt it was a bit wordy. Just after she crests the hill, slips on rocks the details of passing though the town, passing the sheep, the boys and the market are great, I felt that I wanted to speed to the conversations and miss the details. Whether they are necessary or not I felt I was passing it, they are not an integral part of the story, build the moment up to what is important.

I found that from here " At last I reached the road and stared into the distance, following its path as it left the rocky terrain" (I liked the part with the little boy but felt it didn't keep the story flowing) It feels good that she moves through the town to the palace to Odysseus.

I hope you appreciate this as light criticism as a fan of the story and the idea. I will keep reading on and I look forward to giving more to you that is positive in time.

Rionach Kerrians

klouholmes wrote 568 days ago

Hi Cherry, I began reading again at Chap 5. You've really brought these legendary characters to life while portraying the peril for Iphegenia and Odysseus' sister. It's exciting and that's also because the details and atmosphere fit. Happy to have shelved it again - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

fh wrote 569 days ago

THE GIRL FROM ITHACA - Stampmans Orphans
I have visited the island of Ithaca and the first thing that struck me was how small it was. Indeed it is only when we delve into history, that we realise that almost all the ancient kingdoms and armies were comprised of comparative small numbers than those of today, and this we have to keep in perspective.
I first read this a few weeks ago and thought I'd come back and have a reread. I am glad that I still enjoyed this immensely. Have you done any recent editing as I'm sure you have pared down some of the narrative parts?
The golden isle of Ithaca. You have certainly done your research; meticulous in detail, and I really felt like I was there with the ox and goats, and in the market place with the vegetable sellers. Sights and smells - good, lots of local flavour that only adds to the deep texture of a novel.
At the arrival of King Menalaus there is a feeling of excitement, fear and apprehension in Neomene's family, all stemming from Odysseus' so far, failure to join Memalus. Will he fulfill his pledge?
Cherry, this is a brilliant way of portraying Homer's masterpiece. By bringing in a young girl as the first person we see it all through her eyes and get a different slant on things - she is an innocent fourteen year old unversed in warfare and the workings of a people that revel in intrigue and sinister undercover work.
The book opens well and the pace flowed, bringing in the excellently portrayed characters. This is full of vividness, great descriptions that I could almost grasp in my hands, a real flavour of the times.
When I first read this I couldn't get to grasp with all the characters - second time around and it feels just right.
I think you have handled this subject admirably and with confidence.
I confirmwhat I said before, which was all in all; a superb re-work of Homer's tale. Well written, good pace, excellent characters and totally believable descriptions. What more can a reader wish for?
All the best with this.
Faith
The Assassins Village

James Stoddard wrote 569 days ago

Cherry,

I've had the chance to read the first two chapters of your novel. You write very well--lean prose with just the right amount of description. I do have a couple of suggestions, however. Diving right into it, (and this is just my impression from a single reading) I liked the initial excitement and the way you use Neomene's run to describe the environment. I got the impression of great danger. But when she reached Odysseus, for a few paragraphs I thought I had been 'tricked,' that there wasn't that much danger, since they start talking about what outfits to wear, etc. I think an early line from one of the characters saying something about: what we do next determines the fate of our people," or some such will cover this and keep the tension up.

In chapter 2, I like what you're doing as far as creating a lot of reader sympathy for Neomene; a young girl up against two kings, and I think you do a good job with Palamedes--his tricking the trickster is very good. However, I think the discussion between Palamedes and Menelaus is a bit too 'pointed.' Remember that Menelaus is a king and is only going to be so differential--he apologizes and explains and tells Palamedes to be understanding a few too many times. Plus, he needs those ships of Odysseus, I assume. I think you can cut down on his and Palamedes dialogue a bit, where they argue back and forth. To put it another way, Menelaus may not like Palamedes, but they've arrived together as envoys, and as kings and princes there is a certain diplomatic decorum--a face Menelaus would want to project to the Ithacans. He can still show sympathy toward Neomene, just give him a little more authority and manliness.

Not a major hurdle; I'm just talking about making Menelaus a little less apologetic--remember that your readers will get a quick handle on both characters with only a few lines of dialogue.

The other thing that worried me was when Menelaus picks up Odysseus's son the first time. Touching the heir to the throne in a threatening way tends to get people, regardless of their status, killed. If I were a palace guard and someone touched the king's son, I would impale them to the wall and ask questions later, knowing my king would justify my actions. At least have the guards react. By the same token, there should be a soldier or two about (if there isn't; I may be remembering poorly) when the group goes to meet Odysseus, especially since Palamene has made a threatening move concerning the king's son.

Hope you find this useful. It is, of course, just one person's opinion. I will keep reading. Since I'm a slow reader and you're the first book I've put on my shelf, you're guaranteed to be on there for quite a while.

James Stoddard