Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 60843
date submitted 18.03.2010
date updated 31.12.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller
classification: moderate
complete

The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Andrew L. Burans

The book centres around a successful businessman who has been sucked into the world of international espionage, political intrigue and his fight for survival.

 

The main character is a man who leads a double life. Publicly, he is a successful and charismatic Beverly Hills businessman and his other world is that of an agent for a highly secretive U.S government agency. The story starts in the present day when an assassination team is sent to take him out and then utter mayhem ensues.

The primary thrust of the novel goes back 30 years to the beginning – to when he was coerced into his double life. The story explores his growth, fears, personality changes and the learning of skills as he is forced to adapt to his new life in order to survive. The hero is pitted against corrupt businessmen and Russian and Chinese agents. As he grows the body count mounts. He is sophisticated, has a number of personality faults and uses his brain power as much as his learned physical skills to stay one step ahead.

The book is international in scope and takes the reader to L.A., Chicago, Toronto, Montreal and Zurich. The novel is character rich, has a number of sub-plots with numerous twists and turns leading to an exciting and unpredictable finish.

 
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action, character rich, complex, fiction, informative, political intrigue, sophisticated, thriller, worldly

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Prologue

 

They came after me at midnight.   The lights had been turned off in my remote cabin in the woods around eleven and I was sitting in the over-stuffed easy chair in the corner, away from the window, sipping my Black Russian, smoking and generally letting my thoughts wander pondering the dichotomy that is my life.  A number of windows were open and the night sounds of the forest were soothing to the soul as were the gently lapping waves from the river in the distance

 

Then it changed.  The forest grew silent, scarily so except for a couple of crickets sounding the alarm by increasing the pitch and frequency of their legs being rubbed together.  Nature has its own alarm system.  To me it was like a bomb going off.  The synapses in my brain started firing on all cylinders.

 

They were waiting for me to go to bed and fall asleep and now believed I had done so. I would then be an easy target.  Otherwise, they would probably not have approached just yet. My experience told me that they had been there for hours having previously scouted the territory and watching my movements.

 

It would have been suicide for me to confront them in the cabin.  My best chance for survival was outside, the cover of darkness and my intimate knowledge of the terrain being my allies. I had no idea as to how many of them were out there.  But I knew they were there, stealthfully approaching and coming to kill me.  My basic human instinct of survival took over and my extensive training came to the forefront.

 

My Bowie Knife was still strapped to my belt, the fishing had been good and the pan fried speckled trout had been delicious. I quietly opened the drawer of the end table to my left.  I removed the loaded Glock, turned the safety off and shoved it behind my belt at the small of my back.  Extra ammunition was shoved into a pocket in my jeans. 

 

Ironically, it is a good thing that one tends to wear darker clothing in hideaways such as this.  I would be harder to spot.  Crouching down I made my way over to the fireplace and gathered the cooler burnt embers, away from the small pieces of still burning wood, and blackened my face and hands.  I had to blend into the darkness of the night. I had to turn every variable I could into my favour.

 

Fortunately the cabin is built on two foot stilts to allow easy access to the plumbing and electrical systems running underneath.  After the typical cold, hard winters this makes it easier to fix or replace the cracked plumbing pipes and any damage done by animals gnawing on the electrical wiring.  On my belly, I slithered to the trap door, located in the back storage room, carefully avoiding all windows and unceremoniously lowered myself to the ground beneath.  If the intruders saw or heard me I was dead.  Not a pleasant thought.

 

I made no sound as I hit the ground due to the fact that everything underneath the cabin is damp and decaying.   My edifice is built in the lowest part of the valley and is always wet. I didn’t even want to think about the various and sundry slimy creatures that would quickly start crawling over my body.  The mosquitoes would start feasting soon and were already buzzing around my face. The aroma of rotting and mildewy vegetation filled the air, enveloped my senses and I stifled a cough.  There were no discernable changes from in front of the cabin reassuring me that my movements had not been detected.

 

My heart was in my throat.  One never adjusts easily to being hunted. I steadied my breathing as best as I could, taking my time to allow my eyes to adjust to the enveloping darkness.  Nothing else still seemed out of the ordinary but every fiber in my body told me they were there.  All my senses were on high alert and in overdrive. 

 

It was not time for me to die.  I hadn’t pissed off enough people yet and there was still some unfinished business to attend to.  Whoever they were I wasn’t going to let them win this game tonight.  They were on my territory, they believed they had the advantage but I knew I could out think them and I was not about to let anybody come into my house and win.  The stakes were too high.

 

The barely audible sound of a pine cone being stepped on quietly emanated from my immediate right.  A shadow, briefly danced straight ahead of me as an open area was quickly covered.  I now knew that there were at least two of them and they were slowly approaching the cabin and they were taking their time.  They still had thirty yards to cover.  I processed the information and held my position. 

 

Patience is a virtue, stay still, wait and let the hand play out are lessons from my past and I still did not move.  Sweat was pouring into my eyes, my breathing was growing more rapid and the palms of my hands were damp.  I wiped my hands on my pants legs but did not dare touch my face.  I prayed that the black soot still covered most of my exposed extremities.  The odds were at least two against one and I needed every advantage I could get.  I wasn’t thrilled with the odds.

 

I am blessed with tremendous night vision and as I scanned the immediate vicinity, there he was, to my left, forty yards away, hunkered down with his back resting against a towering pine tree and not moving a muscle.  He was a mere shadow changing the topography of the well known landscape.  I was now certain there were three adversaries for me to take out. I didn’t like it one bit but there was nothing I could do about it.

 

A team of three assassins, well trained, with malicious intent and now my quarry.  They must really want me this time was the thought running through my head. I knew they were highly trained and very good, as many of the others had been.  But for them, sadly they would not be good enough.  As best as I could, I calculated all of the variables and decided upon my plan of attack.

 

I decided to go after the one against the tree first.  He was alone and furthest from the cabin.  I guessed that his role in the planned assassination was to provide cover fire if things went wrong.  He had chosen his position well, deep in the shadows enveloped by the large trunk of the pine covering his back with an unobstructed view of the front of my structure.  I would only be able to attack from the side; usually never a good strategy to undertake.

 

My intense martial arts training, starting early in my life and continuing on, instigated and insisted upon by my father, kicked in and I quickly and silently made my way to a superior position behind and to the left of my target.  The darkness, shadows and uneven terrain were my best friends and I used them covertly and wisely. In only this respect was I glad that I was on my home turf.  After all, I was all alone with no one to rely on for help.

 

He was easily six feet two inches tall and weighed at least two hundred and twenty pounds. He was well built and cradled an M16 rifle in his arms and there was a holstered 357 magnum pistol strapped to his side along with a Navy Seal killing knife sheathed in his boot.  He was dressed entirely in black with body armour covering his chest and crotch, camouflage paint obscured his face and hands and he was wearing night vision goggles.  By his continence, he was confident in his abilities and I instinctively knew he had seen action before, a man to be reckoned with.  All of his attention was focused on the front of the cabin, a fatal mistake for him but a big break for me.

 

The goggles worked to my advantage since they do completely negate peripheral vision and I managed to get to within three feet of him without being seen.  Still sweating profusely, crouching, muscles tightly coiled, the Bowie knife already loosely held in my right hand I sprang at the killer.  My left hand clamped over his mouth and with all the strength I could muster I yanked his head back exposing his neck.   Simultaneously, in one practiced motion the Bowie Knife slashed across his exposed flesh nearly decapitating him.  Air bubbles gurgled in his throat as his life force spewed five feet into the air from the severed arteries.  Dark red blood, like a surging crimson tide evaporated into the darkness and sticky droplets of his blood clung to the surrounding foliage.

 

The struggle was as brief as it was violent.   One does not give up one’s life easily.  I then gently, silently lowered the now lifeless body to the ground and sheathed the knife. Thankfully, my attack had produced not a sound. I was covered in blood and my breathing now even more pronounced than ever.  I knew I had to calm down and steady my nerves.

 

My mind was racing.  What was my next plan of attack helping to insure my survival? Or should I just fade away into the bush and make my escape?  Not an easy decision to make.  I decided to end it tonight. I had never liked running away from a fight.

 

The other two attackers were ahead of me but still in close proximity, slowly advancing on the cabin.  The night goggles were the key.  Night vision goggles use any and all available light and magnify it so the wearer can see in the dark.  I made the assumption that all three were wearing them.   I prayed I was right.  If I wasn’t my chances for survival were slim to none.  I had no other back-up plan.  I set my strategy in motion.

 

Using the same techniques as before I quickly made my way to the back of the cabin again.   I knew I had the time.  My would-be assailants were moving much more slowly than I was.   They were planning on a slow, stealthy approach hopefully utilizing the element of surprise to their fullest advantage. 

 

I found the hidden power switch and turned it to the on position.  The gentle hum of the generator told me I had five seconds to get to the front side of the cabin before the system engaged.  This was the moment of truth and I had to be ready.   The Glock was in my right hand and I prepared myself.

 

The sudden blaze of six powerful flood lights instantly transformed the surrounding area from night into day.   The two killers were spread fifteen feet apart just starting to ascend the front steps of the veranda.  In all ways, body size, clothing and armaments, they were carbon copies of the man I had just killed; professionals intent on doing their jobs.  The element of surprise worked to my advantage and my assumption had been correct.

 

Screams of intense pain immediately rang from their throats as they both simultaneously ripped at their night vision goggles and dropped their weapons as fifty thousand candle watts of light seared into their pupils and burned their retinas.  They were instantly blinded and helpless.

 

At this point everything turned into slow motion for me.  Many professional athletes experience the same phenomenon.  Exploding from my position of cover I sighted my targets, aiming for head shots and fired off four rounds in rapid succession – two each.  All four bullets found their marks.  They both lifted off of their feet like marionettes being pulled on invisible strings. They were blown backward and then lay still on the ground illuminated by the bright lights.    

 

I went over and checked their bodies to confirm what I already knew.  The full load, hollow point, metal jacketed bullets had done their jobs blowing away most of the back of their skullsTheir faces had been obliterated. Large pools of blood were soaking into the soil beneath.  Not a pretty sight for the faint of heart.  I felt nothing.  I consciously made the effort to steady my breathing and to relax.

 

I went back into the cabin and removed the night telescoped thirty-odd-six rifle from the gun rack.  All of my weapons are meticulously maintained and always loaded. I can never afford for a gun to jam.   There probably was a fourth one out there staying with the vehicle they came in and he would probably not approach.

 

With most of the area bathed in bright lights another attack would be foolish and he had in all likelihood fled by now.   However, one cannot be too careful so I left the lights in the interior of the cabin off as I headed to the bathroom to clean up.  I would pour another drink shortly

 

Rapidly I discarded the blood soaked clothes and threw them into the bathtub.   I then washed off the blood and the black soot and put on clean clothes.  The next stop was the kitchen where I retrieved a glass tumbler from a shelf, opened the freezer door of the refrigerator and filled my glass with ice.  I topped off the tumbler with vodka, added a touch of Kahlua, took a long swallow and headed back to my favorite over-stuffed chair.  

 

With my cigarette already lit I reached for the satellite phone, since cell phone reception in this area is practically non existent and dialed the number that is etched into my brain, a number I had called too many times before.  

 

As always, it was answered on the first ring.   The voices have changed over the years but not the same mechanical yes.   Not even a hello. I kept it brief as I had been first instructed to do many years ago.   “Three attackers, all dead” I said.  Click went the other end of the phone.   I have never known whom or where I am calling. I just know that the number is answered twenty-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. 

 

I had given up a long time ago trying to figure the mystery out.  I had a theory though as to why they kept me at arms length.  If anything ever went terribly wrong on one of my assignments they had total deniability and would plead ignorance about my activities.  I was all alone.  They knew where I was.  They always knew where I was. My life was not my own. I settled back in my chair with my drink and cigarettes and waited for their arrival.

 

Once again my mind was wandering and I was reminiscing as to why the outdoor lights were here in the first place.   A few years back a major family gathering was held with numerous family members and close friends coming and going over a five day period.  The flood lights, four on the roof of the cabin and two in the trees, along with the extra generator, had been installed so the on-going party could continue well into each night.  Frankly, I had been too lazy to have them removed and also because of the expense had just left them in place.  A great party had now also turned into a personal lifesaver.   This quirk of fate had in this instance worked to my advantage.

 

Age is an awful thing at times.  A number of years ago I was diagnosed with high blood pressure – two hundred and forty over one hundred and thirty.  Now two little pink pills and three hundred and twenty-five mg of aspirin per day keep me as right as rain.  I hoped my medication was doing its job tonight.

 

Within ninety minutes, the distinctive sound of helicopter blades beating through the night sky was audible in the distance.  I turned the lights on in the cabin and went out onto the front porch and waited for their arrival.   I watched and listened as the sound of the approaching craft grew louder and louder.  

 

Soon it was in sight, flying night lights on, pontoon landing gear equipped and finally the copter made a perfect landing in the water at the edge of the dock.   The engine was turned off and the noise levels started to subside. It was difficult to see everything clearly since I had to look through the glare of the flood lights and then into the darkness beyond, backlit by the moon.

 

Three males exited the craft ducking down under the slowing helicopter blades.   The pilot tied off the mooring lines, staying put, with the other two cautiously entering the field of light.   They then stopped insuring I got a good look at them before continuing their slow approach.  They both had on Dallas Cowboy Ball Caps and one was carrying a large bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka.  The recognition signals, tried and true, never having failed over all the years, were either the wearing of Dallas Cowboy paraphernalia or a bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka clearly displayed. 

 

They were taking no chances tonight.  Both recognition signals clearly on display.  Am I getting that bad now they are making doubly sure before approaching me was a flittering thought.   However, as a gift, a bottle of my favorite vodka is always appreciated and enjoyed.   I started to relax a little bit.

 

For the record, I am a fanatical Dallas Cowboy football fan.  I bleed blue and silver. My heritage is Russian but I was born in North America to very recent immigrant parents.   I speak the language and grew up drinking vodka.  At Sunday dinners there was always a bottle on the table. You poured a shot, drank it down, took a bite of a dill pickle and then had another shot.  This was supposed to get your digestive juices going.

 

As the approaching pair was half-way through the circle of light I noticed the pilot had disappeared from view.   “Shit, I’m getting sloppy in my old age,” I muttered under my breath

 

Instinctively, slowly and unobtrusively as possible I started to reach for the Glock that was once again at the small of my back when the distinctive sounds of two sniper’s rifles cracked from the darkness. The faces of the two approaching men dissolved into a mass of blood, bone and sinew right in front of me.  Probably mercury tipped bullets was an unconscious thought. Large caliber bullets had entered the back of their heads and had come out the front.  They were blown forward by the impact and they lay dead sprawled face first in the dirt highlighted by the flood lights.

 

With full adrenaline pumping and the instinct for survival hitting my nervous system I found myself, on the deck, rolling to my left, gun extended, accomplishing the feat before the bodies of the two unfortunate souls hit the ground.  Lying prone I made myself as small of a target as possible as I desperately tried to find the shooters and return fire.   From the darkness a bullhorn boomed, “Red Dog, Red Dog, Red Dog!”  “Please Sir, Red Dog!” 

 

Words from thirty years ago, my first recognition code which has not been used in over twenty years.  It is difficult to think clearly as your heart is pounding through your chestI tried to clear my head and think as my eyes continued to scour the darkness beyond the illuminated area.  I quickly reasoned that if I was the intended victim they could have easily taken me out first rather than shooting the other two players in this deadly game.  I had to make my decision now.  There were nervous trigger fingers out there and I was clearly exposed.

 

Red Dog had been my choice for the recognition signal.   It came from my university days when I worked for a large brewery in the summers.  I drove a fork lift truck in the warehouse. Workers yelled out Red Dog when a foreman was approaching giving you time to hide the bottle of beer you were drinking and to extinguish the cigarette you were not supposed to be smoking.  Ten to twelve beers during a shift was not unusual and many long term employees had more than twenty.  You could easily tell which ones by the size of their protruding stomachs.

 

I made my choice and cautiously stood up being careful not to make any sudden moves, with my gun at my side tightly held in my hand with its safety still off, and stared out at the unseen voice.  

 

“May we approach, sir,” came the response to my actions.  I nodded yes but I was uncertain as to what was really happening and tried to prepare myself for any eventuality.  They held the upper hand and had already demonstrated they were expert marksmen and prepared to kill.

 

Six of them cautiously stepped out into the fringes of the light and then held their positions.   They were all dressed for night combat, heavily armed and their guns were trained on me.  They were in a semi-circle, fanned out, twenty yards between each of them, real pros taking no chances.  It was impossible for me to take them all and they knew it.  I was out of choices and now totally committed to my present course of action.   I knew if I showed any hostile intent what-so-ever they would shoot me without hesitation.  I stood still not moving a muscle.

 

The one with the bullhorn was in the centre of the formation and slowly approached to within ten feet, stopped and said, “Sir, I have been instructed by the boss to offer you his sincerest apologies for the unfortunate set of events that have occurred this evening.  There was a leak and corrective action has been effectively taken.  Would you please holster your gun and may I come join you in the cabin for a de-briefing?”

 

I nodded yes and did as I was asked. Slowly I placed the glock at the small of my back, turned and opened the door. I entered the cabin followed by the young man.  Wet work had occurred in other parts of the world this evening, was a fleeting thought. Seemingly out of nowhere, three non-descript vans entered the area, people exited wearing hazmat type apparel and the process of sanitizing the area began.  The armed men fanned out, formed a perimeter around the property and secured the area.

 

I went straight to the kitchen and poured another drink, out of habit I lit a cigarette immediately without offering either to my new guest.   Experience had taught me that he would refuse both.  Sitting down at the kitchen table, the gun extricated and clearly placed in view, I motioned to the young agent to join me.   He lay his weapon down beside mine, pulled out a chair and sat down.  He let me enjoy a few sips of my beverage before getting down to business. As is usually the case there was no small talk.

 

Turning his tape recorder on the young agent asked, “Starting from the beginning tell me what happened?”  

 

“I had turned the lights off in the cabin around eleven and I was in the corner enjoying my cocktail and a cigarette when the night sounds of the forest changed.  Nature’s alarm system let me know that people were out there.   The agent looked at me in bewilderment.

 

I explained, “Many years ago I was on safari in South Africa at a private game reserve called Sabi Sabi. It’s on the edge of Krueger National Park. We were driven around in open air range rovers, no doors, no windows, closer than I ever fathomed one could get to wild animals; lions, leopards, hippos, elephants and many other species too numerous to mention.  On the first day I asked the ranger as to why we could get so close to the animals without spooking them? 

 

His answer and following demonstration were a revelation to me.   “The animals are so use to the vehicles; they do not associate people with them.   That’s why, for our guests’ safety, we don’t allow you to stand up or leave the vehicle except on my instructions.   Here, let me demonstrate.”

 

Pulling up to a grove of trees, he stopped and got out of the mover and took a number of steps into the bush.   In an instant the sounds of the wilderness noticeably changed and a few certain birds began singing the tunes of alarm.   He turned, came back to the Land Rover, got back in and soon everything was back to normal.

 

He turned to our group and said, “Nature has its own alarm system when the norms change.”   A lesson learned, well remembered and put to good use tonight was my thought. 

 

I then recounted the balance of the evening’s events.   The young man’s face and countenance remained stoic.   Not another comment just the recording of my rendition of the evening’s occurrences.   Unless I was with the “boss” all of the debriefings over the years had followed this same pattern.

 

As I concluded a knock came at the door and another well-built, serious young man entered the cabin carrying a case of my favorite vodka with his rifle slung over his shoulder.   He placed it on the kitchen table and said, “With the boss’ compliments and he wanted me to say how very sorry he is for any inconvenience this situation may have caused you.” 

 

He then just turned and left.   I was incredulous; I had never received a case before!  The leak must have been very personal to the “boss.”

 

 

Organizing my thoughts I then asked my interrogator, “How long were you here before the helicopter landed and what the hell just happened?” 

 

We found and permanently stopped the leak six hours ago, we’re confident nothing will have to change, it was a one time thing and then we deployed.  We arrived approximately an hour before the helicopter landed, sir. As a one mile radius of your location was reconnoitered the get-away vehicle was located, the appropriate remedial action was taken with the driver and then we approached, sweeping the area to within a quarter of a mile of your cabin. At that point we were not quite sure a second killing team was on its way and so we maintained our positions and waited. When we heard the helicopter approaching we took up positions where we could best protect you. The rest you know”.

 

“And the helicopter pilot?”

 

“He will not be flying again, sir.”

 

“Do you always have to call me sir?”  

 

He just looked at me not blinking, said nothing, a fully grown young man but to me just a kid.   I’m lucky to have a full head of hair, extremely thick, salt and pepper but mostly grey now. One of the few vestiges of vanity that I have.. I’ve never really gotten use to being called sir.

 

With no more questions left to ask he abruptly left the table, pocketed his recording equipment, secured his weapons, went outside and I followed.   The last of the bodies had been loaded into the vans and the helicopter was lifting off.   He got into the last van and drove off without saying another word.   I would probably never see him again. From experience, I knew the morning’s sunshine would not reveal any clue as to what had transpired this evening.  The cleaners were very good at their jobs.

 

I went back into the cabin, turned off the floodlights with the indoor switch, freshened my drink liberally, grabbed my smokes, went outside and sat down on the front steps of the veranda.  I sat, drank, smoked and waited for the fast approaching dawn sky to cast its first faint light in the distant horizon.  My favorite time of day at this locale and I finally started to relax a little. But just a little, my nerves were still on edge and my rifle was at my side and my glock nestled in the small of my back.

 

My initial thoughts were on the events of this evening contemplating why violent death has no emotional impact or takes no toll on me what-so-ever and never has.  It’s like an empty void.  My instinct for survival is strong but that’s about it when it comes to overpowering emotions.  Some things do touch me, I do believe in community and giving back, there are people I do care about and love but guilt, angst, worry, etc. are not found in any fiber of my body.  Psychologically, I guess, I have a very different make-up than most people.  Probably one of the main reasons as to why I have survived for so long in this double life I have been forced to live.

 

But my thoughts, as often times happen, started drifting back even further, to thirty years ago.   To when my life was more peaceful, to when there was no killing and I was a different person.  To the birth of when all of this madness began.   A life that is impossible for me to leave.  Back to the beginning, back to Los Angeles, everything always seems to center around L.A.

 

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RichardBard wrote 285 days ago

Hi Andrew!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Charles Thompson wrote 300 days ago

When are you going to post the review of this book?

ZeeRose wrote 372 days ago

Wow no wonder this book made it to the editor's desk at some point. (I'm new here so I'm not sure exactly when that happened) The tension is very good and despite a case of infodumping (putting too much information into one setting) it still flows quite nicely. I'm backing this! ^_^

- Zee, 'Skinbane'

Janet Hutcheon wrote 482 days ago

Renu25 has it about right I think. An ambitious project and lots of promising parts but it felt more than 61K words. Needs editing badly as there is a lot of detail which is unnecessary and holds up the action. (We don't need to know what the character ate down to the kind of sauce on his meat) But if I were a man I would have enjoyed it immensely.

kgrl77 wrote 507 days ago

Way to go!

Smokem wrote 508 days ago

Congrats Andy, I look forward to hearing all about your review. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday!!!!!

EMDelaney wrote 508 days ago

C-grats Andrew. Way to go!

morewords wrote 511 days ago

An unbelieveable story very well written. Gripping and thrilling. Who would not back this book, it is ecellent. Edward

name falied moderation wrote 517 days ago

congrats Andrew on #1 you are the only one on my shelf still....glad to see you soing so well, deserved

Denise
The Letter

renu25 wrote 519 days ago

Hi,
Congratulations on making it to the ED.

I've only read the first chapter so far and have jotted down a few comments that you may find useful if you are editing this before the HC review. Haven't read the prologue as it wouldn't load (probably my browser) but was wondering if you really needed a prologue anyway.

The opening didn't draw me in and I was looking for something stronger like : "I was on my way to a new job and a new life in Beverley Hills, yet I may not have boarded the plane that was taking me there, if I'd known a dangerous and lonely journey lay ahead. Life and fate …."

Then perhaps talk about Paul. I'm not sure why it is necessary to bring Lorne in at this stage.

There is too much information on the first page / chapter. It's best to drip feed the info and give only a few critical facts so as not to hold up the narrative.

I'd cut back heavily on the exposition (giving the reader information about characters and backstory rather than letting them see it in action or dialogue). eg show me Lorne and the narrator socialising in a bar, in speech. Show me characters in a Mercedes and Ferraris. Don't give me a long list of expensive cars. How does Lorne take care of the narrator?

I'd suggest cutting back on lots of description about characters. It's not necessary.

The story may be partly about business, but I'd use informal rather than formal words like recompense. Readers are put off by offiicial talk.

Hard to tell with formatting but I assume that the paragraph starting, "I walked down the corridor to Paul's office," is not indented as it has moved on in time.

Although there is a lot of exposition and description, you also draw the reader in with phrases like : "Here was a man I could learn a great deal from, he thought enough of me…"

There is very little dialogue and it's this that brings characters to life.

Hope this helps.

RebeccaT wrote 520 days ago

This hasn't changed much since I read it over eighteen months ago.

In fact I have read better stuff in a boy's comic in the fifty's.

It needs a hell of a lot of work done on syntax and tense not to mention punctuation and description before it can be offered to an agent.

Mike Kavanagh wrote 522 days ago

Hi Andrew,

I've enjoyed reading your first chapter; you create tension straight away and have a strong hook that makes me want to read on. You have a good descriptive style which you enhance with your knowledge of the weapons and tools in your character's arsenal.

The only suggestion that I would make is to find a good copy-editor to go through the work. There are a few areas where your choice of vocabulary seems unusual and also a couple of grammatical errors. Here are a couple of examples:

In the fourth paragraph, the word 'stealthfully' should be 'stealthily'.

In the eighth paragraph you say 'various and sundry'. These words mean the same, so I would suggest using the more common expression 'all and sundry' or just use one word, e.g. "I didn't even want to think about the various slimy creatures..."

In the tenth paragraph, 'out think' should be hyphenated, i.e. 'out-think'.

These are just a few of the instances where I felt the language detracted from the story. However what is much more important is that you have an extremely compelling narrative which is why I have given you this high star rating.

All the best,
MK

name falied moderation wrote 522 days ago

Oh and five stars

name falied moderation wrote 522 days ago

Dear Andrew
I have no idea what happened I did back your book, and have just so again now. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. I am so pleased to see your book way up there, deserved for sure. I have been on the site x2 in the last months, so did not realise you were next in line. I will keep your book on my shelf for as long as it takes, just remind me if it comes down.
Have a wonderful Christmas Andrew

Denise
The Letter

Noizchild wrote 524 days ago

You beautifully take us into the protagonist's head. Coupled with the good sensory details of coming under attack and you have us sucked inside for us to want more. I think I will come back to read more into it. Good job.

Sue Harries wrote 524 days ago

brilliantly written! I have highly rated it, will add to bookshelf as soon as possible, good luck. Sue Harries ''It's a Dogs Life''

nchowell wrote 525 days ago

Thanks for re-visiting me with the new star system in place. I also gave you a 6 star rating. It deserves nothing less.

Natasha
"Dani the Earth Angel"

Justis Call wrote 525 days ago

Once again, this is a great book. It tells the story with depth and with sensitivity, a difficult task indeed. Not typical of the "secret agent" suspense of decades past, The Reluctant Warrior tosses the reader into the throes of the action as if experiencing it in real life. Very well done!

Thought I would get you back up on my shelf.....hope the boost only adds to your success!

Good luck,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Lenore wrote 525 days ago

The Reluctant Warrior
Obviously, with your ratings, you don't need me to tell you that you have a fine idea here. Truthfully, I'm a pushover for a mystery thriller, especially international. I do like this, but I know I would like it even better with a well-edited prologue, not only shortened, but more staccato dialogue, with just enough description to verify what I already know - that this hero knows his business. I will star now and get you to the shelf as soon as I am able.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

celticwriter wrote 528 days ago

Hey, Andrew! Thank you and many warm blessings your way. You're good work is re backed :-)

Sincerely,
jim

Bill Carrigan wrote 528 days ago

Greetings Andrew, Having backed "The Reluctant Warrior" some months ago, I needed only to brush up on the first chapter to recall how well it reads, and I'll gladly re-back it tonight. I hope you'll give "The Doctor of Summitville" another look. Best of luck, Bill

Old Bob wrote 528 days ago

Andrew, you have a great story in RELUCTANT WORRIER but, if your prologue is going to be among the 10,000 words submitted to the editors' desk, I'd like to bring some of my thoughts to your attention.

- gently lapping waves tend to conjure pictures of the ocean or a lake (to me). When I think of a river, I see it flowing and hear "ripples gently lapping rocks along the bank..."

- Crickets don't increase their sound when someone comes around; they fall silent - "their thunderous silence was like a bomb going of..."

- consecutive use of the word "envelope" is distracting - "...enveloped my senses and I stifled a cough..." and "allowed my eyes to adjust to the enveloping darkness..." Try to find another word for one of them.

- They must really want me this time was the thought running through my head. Use italics to set apart the thought from the rest of the sentence.

- You use the word "envelope" too many times. Once again - "...deep in the shadows enveloped by the large trunk..." Diversify your thoughts, man.

- "back of their skulls..." should be "backs of their skulls (plural agreement).

Listen, I'm not an expert editor and I don't mean these remarks to be critical; just helpful. My review is just cursory but after working so hard to reach the top five, don't let some editor knock you out of contention on these technicalities. It's probably time to get a technical person to take a close look at your first chapters (before the end of the month) so you can make changes if necessary.

Best of luck to you.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

casey watson wrote 530 days ago

Hi Andrew you are back on my watchlist and starred. I will read more of your book and comment then, thank you, Casey x

therock81 wrote 530 days ago

I have returned your rating because I like your book. You are also on my watchlist. Thanks again for your support.

Steve Reeder wrote 530 days ago

Andrew, just read the prologue - way too long - I believe a prologue should be a hint of whats to come, or a short bit setting the sence so to say, otherwise it almost becomes the first chapter. I'll be reading more when I can. I'm putting the book on my watchlist. for the moment. In the mean time, perhaps you could have a look at Adrenalin Rush for me?
Actually, I'm going to read the next two chapters now.

Steve

Margaret Woodward wrote 531 days ago

Dear Andrew, I have read, skimmed and dipped all through The Reluctant Warrior and find the plot just great - far to good to let any flaws ground it.

My main anxiety is about the prologue which has 'too many words'. This is what the readers and any editor or agent will see first and this is what they will judge you on. Your first chapter is very different in character and much easier to read.

First, a prologue should be short. Secondly, this is a scene of violent action. There is no room for comments on taste in booze or cigarettes, nor for an outline of the hero's martial history. A word to hint is capabiliry is quite enough to tell the reader. Every word which is not totally relevant to the progress of the action, this particular action, slows down the pace and, more seriously, deflates the tension.

This book is for a man's man. I came across it when I first joined the site, hesitated over it for a moment then discarded it because of the beginning before returning to it more seriously now. Why? I think it was the wordiness of that first scene. I enjoy Andy McNab and, more cerebrally, Gerald Seymour. He was a bbc foreign correspondent and his first novels bore all the hallmarks of journalistic style, to their detriment. You have come from the world of business - and it shows in your urge to put every possible point down on paper, to prevent the buck landing on you or your firm, presumably.

You have all the skills, no doubt about that, but you now need to adapt them to this kind of writing. Much of a novel's life is in what is not said, what lies between the lines. Trust your readers. They do not need everything spelled out. A hint of the martial arts background is enough to create trust in your hero's ability - but it would be so much more tense if you also gave him a touch of real fear. You use sight and sound very well, but what about touch and feel, smell and taste to indicate (not spell out) the physical effects of adrenalin etc? Perhaps you could smell one of the antagonists. And there you can describe the nature of the smell because it is relevant.

I admire the writing style of Ian Rankin. To teach himself to write he took a story, cut it in half without removing any content, then cut it again before seeing if anything ought to go back in. Shocking! But this is what editing is all about, catching the nub of the scene and getting rid of the mud of words through which not only the characters have to struggle but also the reader. Why not try this with your first few paragraphs. Then read aloud first one version and then the other? How do they differ? What is the effect of each?

I have my eye on your 67K word count. That is short - and may become shorter if you go down this road. But it is an opportunity to bring in other colours, especially your hero's personal relationships beyond his action scenes. At the moment he is too gung-ho for any except your narrow target market, many of whom may not be that interested in reading rather than doing.

How can you broaden your readership? You could have him question himself more - or have others question him, especially those who have been hurt along the way. (You would have to go at least some way into those hurts.) How much has he damaged those close to him in his life? How does he feel about it? Does his attitudes change during the course of the book. The element of change is important withing a personality and brings him to life. So far your story is very much plot driven, and developing the characters would give tremendous colour and depth to the book.

As, who are these anyway? You say very little about them, but they will be the ones, over and above Dr John, to whom he will return if and when he vanquishes his enemies. The element of doubt is an important element for the reader in maintaining tension, so don't in any way foretell the future elements of the plot. Or do you intend that the violence of his way of life blunts his sensibilities? Is he becoming almost an anti-hero, no longer questioning the death he dishes out, albeit in kill or be killed situations? It can be done, but that approach has to be handled very carefully if the reader is not to be alienated - which would be a shame. You have a great plot, full of interesting twists and turns and quite a few fascinating perspectives.

I hope you get your editorial crit from H/C and that it will lead to great things for you and your warrior. - Please forgive me rabbiting on. It's because I think this has great potential.

Margaret

celticwriter wrote 531 days ago

Hi Andrew, will be happy to place your work on my shelf again, will place on WL for now. I do humbly ask, however, since so many have promised me in the past, and haven't come through, my new policy is: if you ask first, shelf first, and I'll be happy to return. :-)

blessings,
jim

Walden Carrington wrote 531 days ago

Andrew,
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning is enticing reading for the thriller genre. The reader is kept in a state of suspense as the enthralling plot is unraveled. Backed with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

mr.shelley wrote 531 days ago

Andrew, you've spammed me again. One of the unfortunate consequences of this 'grubby habit' (as my good friend Louise G puts it), is that you clearly don't have the time or inclination to study the results of your efforts.

I don't like putting up negative comments, only helpful ones, but you keep asking. So here it is... I didn't back your book before, because - despite some very attractive components - I didn't feel it was ready for professional scrutiny. I told you that, in my comment and you have ignored every point. In case you missed it, I'll publish it again:

"Andrew, you wrote me today and asked if I would go to your book. You said it wasn't spam, though I had the same one the day before and also saw it on some friends' messages. But I went all the same. I'm afraid I didn't get far.

Your short pitch kicks off by telling us that your book 'centres around...' This is a physical and linguistic impossibility. You can centre ON something or you can distribute some things AROUND something. Think about it...

You open well, with a great dramatic sentence. It breaks a few rules. That's OK, but your first job must surely be to tell us or hint at who 'they' are. Instead, you bang on about stuff that the reader has no interest in whatsover, like an over-stuffed easy chair. Then your narrator ponders the dichotomy that is his/her life without telling us about the two extremes that make up that dichotomy nor why they're worth pondering on. Unless you've come up with a brilliant new philosophical construct, I wouldn't 'ponder' in your 1st para.

Your second para sets a scene. A forest. Some crickets. Noisy crickets. Your narrator steps aside to tell us how they make this noise. You're on a hiding to nothing. If, as a reader, I already knew that, I resent being told. If I didn't know that, I'm looking out for the relevance of your explanation. But you don't provide it.

You describe this piece as a 'thriller'. It wasn't thrilling for me. I need naked poetry to thrill me. Please don't continue this rush to the ED. I don't think you're ready for it. You have much work to do."

Pete

klouholmes wrote 531 days ago

Hi Andrew, I read at Chap 7 this time. And liked again how the narrative voice subtly garners suspense and reveals characters like Dr. John. The setting descriptions are nice but while I read this interesting dialogue, I wanted to know more about the physical presence of the two. Maybe just observations that would make them more visible in the setting. Good luck this month! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Marie DuGar Bell wrote 531 days ago

I've backed you to support your ranking. I will read later and know that I am in for an excellent read. Thanks for sharing your creativity with us. Sincerely. Marie - 'Sun Shine and Rain'

Wye wrote 532 days ago

No need to re comment the ranking says it all. Good luck Andrew I hope HC like it as much as we do.
Amelia
A date in The Diary

Valerie T wrote 532 days ago

An excellent opening chapter! It brings up a lot of questions the reader looks forward to having answered. I read some of the earlier comments,and while I agree that some editing is needed for the punctuation etc.(especially commas) I think that what is important at this point is that you have the beginning of what appears to be a great story! I look forward to reading more of your book and will comment again when I have. It is on my Watchlist and I have given it very high stars.

CarlosRedivivus wrote 535 days ago

I liked this, although I thought many of Avenyll's comments were on target. I also tend to draft in the past tense, with passive, low-energy verbs, often qualified by adverbs. It is something I have to fight. I think it is a consequence of writing reports, legal memos and business correspondence for a lifetime. Edit, edit, edit--striking out all words ending in 'ly' -- all verb constructions including the word 'had', etc. This is a thriller. It is visual (it would make a great movie) but I thought it was thrilling in spite of the language, not because of it. What it needs is verbs that smack the reader in the teeth, verbs as good as your 'visuals'. And a little less concern about 'process'--stage directing the characters from place to place (I also do this in draft--'he crossed the room quietly, his wool slippers noiseless, put his hand on the door-knob, turned it to the left, pulled the door open slowly and peered cautiously around the jam, first to the left then to the right, blah blah blah...' No, no no. The reader can be trusted to understand all that--just get him out of the room as fast as possible, like the cuts in a fast paced movie--inside in one frame, outside in the next. Best wishes--I think you have something good going.

John Adamson wrote 536 days ago

I read the comment from Aevanyl below, who read your book her way, I read the same book. But, read this as one of the best books on the site, if one can crit like this, there book should be so great it would have been published. In ALL GOOD BOOKS IT IS THE STORY if you have that as this book as it can be polished and edited.

Aevanyll wrote 536 days ago

Hello.
A bit of advice? The first chapter is the 'make it or break it', after the summary. And yours is packed with action, with a decent pace. Both good things. You also have a strong voice; distinct and descriptive. The main character tells his story well, even if not succinctly. But the sentence structure is clumsy, and at times grammatically incorrect. This is worst and most prevalent in the first chapter but reappears throughout the whole book. It makes the narrative seem choppy and often jars the reader out of the flow of the book. Which is simply TERRIBLE. I understand it would be a great undertaking, but I believe this manuscript could benefit from a complete re-edit. The words do not necessarily need to be changed, just rearranged. And I would suggest vigorous spell-checks.

The plot line is very well thought out, and meticulously contrived. It knows where it is going and it gets there. However, if his father was a simple fisherman, why would he insist his son take fifteen years of lethal martial arts? That one plot hole leaves a gaping inconsistency for me. Also, the fact that he is a second generation Russian is something that is mentioned once - when it isn't relevant to the plot yet - and forgotten until it allows him to hear the plans for his death. This makes it seem as though it is something that was only added for that reason.

This is in the thriller genre, but there is little to no suspense, no build up. And from the very first chapter, we don't have the chance to wonder anything, because the main character tells us before we can. I understand that he is a reflective soul, but one CAN combine the two elements.

Also, you seem to have focused on plot above all else. Where is the main character's interaction with his wife? Doesn't he call her? Think about her? The same goes for other characters. Lorne, for one, you mention heavily in the beginning, and then once or twice afterward. You mention in your summary that this is character rich, but aside from character overload in the first two chapters, they fade to the background.

In chapter one, you repeat the word 'odd' an excessive amount of times. In the second chapter, you seem obsessed with Beverly Hills. The main character waffles on about it nonstop. The woman he met while playing pool - also in chapter two- is complete fan service. One, it is irrelevant to the plot, two, you may lose a number of female readers over it.

When the time line switches out, you begin by doing your best to ensure your readers don't forget it. This is a good thing, and you do it well. However, some authors seem to forget that they are in another time frame, and midway through the book, you seem to as well. It isn't necessarily something that needs to be changed, just something I am remarking on.

Now, this may be just me, but after all of the grueling business talk in chapter two, it, and mention of his 'revolutionary' plan just vanish. You should probably either take it out, or make sure it DOESN'T fade away inconsequentially.

All in all, this seems decidedly male-oriented. Given the genre, that might seem natural, but remember that girls like a good intrigue, too.

Aevanyll

Newtown wrote 536 days ago

The writing is very evocative and I felt sucked in from the first line. A good read for anyone.

Debdee wrote 536 days ago

Andrew - read,backed and rated with pleasure. No critiquing or nit picking - thoroughly enjoyed your work. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Debdee

Debdee wrote 536 days ago

Andrew - read,backed and rated with pleasure. No critiquing or nit picking - thoroughly enjoyed your work. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Debdee

B A Morton wrote 536 days ago

I love a good thriller, and your first chapter was pitched perfectly for ensnaring the reader. Great stuff. Starred and on my W/L I hope that you retain your position till the end of the month.
Babs

SE Champenby wrote 538 days ago

Room for improvement. I would have written this differently. Stamp out the cliches.

hikey wrote 538 days ago

' The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning '

You have set an extremely high precedent for other writers of this genre to follow.The novel is huge in scope, piled high with plot twists upon twists, a fast pace that holds the reader captive.

An ingenious storyteller with a convincing imagination.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'


SusieGulick wrote 538 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Andrew!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 7 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

Fifi Bergere wrote 539 days ago

I really enjoyed the opening of your novel. I could picture it. It's fast paced, dramatic, well researched and compelling but one thing that puzzled me was how come the assassins didn't see him drop from the cabin trap door?

Also I didn't need to be told that he was rubbing soot in to "blend in with the darkness" I already got that even though I'm a soft southern girly. I also know that he's all alone without backup so don't need to be told that either.

Also, would a guy who is being hunted nurse a black russian? Would he have another drink afterwards and smoke (when he already has high blood pressure)? His nerves may be jangling, he may long for a drink but dare he risk the dulling of his senses when he has to be so alert all of the time?

J.S.Watts wrote 539 days ago

A dramatic opening. I am not a natural thriller reader, but from what I know of the genre this has all the makings of a fast paced and exciting read.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

marie78537 wrote 539 days ago

.The Reluctant Warrior. Recommed by C.C. Brown, Author of Dark Side. Read it liked it and backed it. Hope you will be able to shelve their book.
marie78537

ClaireLouise wrote 539 days ago

Excellent thriller-will read more when I can tonight. Well done, Claire

Partyallthetime24/7 wrote 540 days ago

amazing work i truly loved it!!!!!! <3

Rosemary Peel wrote 540 days ago

Pace, tension, all that is required in a thriller. This is an excellent book that I have read and liked previously and am very happy to do so again. I'm sure it will soon find itself not only to the Ed's desk but also on bookshelves.

abipenfold wrote 541 days ago

andrew,
sorry it took so long and i am so pleased i have finally found time to read this masterpiece.
wow!!! when i read the first paragraph i thought i had gotten myself into an amazing read, and reading on you have maintained that expection, your talent is amazing and i truly hope this goes all the way. i love the tense narrations and characters - and everything else basically.
backed with pleasure
abi