Lady Highwayman

When do I get to read more? I really like your story and can't wait to finish it. My only suggestion is better proof reading to catch some errors.
nancypesto

Your story here is mesmerizing. I'm at chapter 3 and I'm quite enjoying it.
No critiques as of yet.

Dear Sharatola, I loved it. It has the makings of a great story. I love your use of verbs for colour. Minor points: The first voice was Wynne's heaving to release... would be better I think. Did they have heists way back then? Backed with pleasure. You may like mine, The Harpist of Madrid, which I invite you to read. Gordon

Hi Sharatola,

I'd definitely go for the c-section.

It flows well, is lucid and interesting - BACKED - well done.

I’m no expert, ‘When…?’ is in fact, my first book.
I’ve picked up some writing pointers along the road. Not saying applicable to your tale – just passing on – may help? Apologies if they are patronising, not intentional.

All the best with this!
Cheers,
Rob (When…? – an amusing British autobiography)

P.S. Appreciate it greatly if you could find time to feedback on ‘When…?’ And back if you feel applicable.


Generic Advice:

Try not to use ‘seems’ and ‘just’ – beginners speak.
Editors don’t tend to like overlong narratives – mix it up with dialogue – if possible
Watch over describing. It can overpower the plot.
Some say to use adjectives and adverbs sparingly.
When describing, think of all the human senses.
Avoid exposition – don’t explain or tell the reader how to feel.
Attempt to define the genre of your book within the first page.
You need an arc (clear thread) to your story. Meander and you risk losing the reader.
Grab the reader’s attention on the first page. Upbeat, positive and thrilling situations tend to hold attention more than the mundane and depressing.
Don’t try to ‘make stuff up’ - visualise, and then write what you see in your mind.
Cut out the dull stuff – be ruthless.
We’re all different – write what you know, and what you like to read.

Hope this helps – I’m sure there’s loads more, which other folk will hopefully point out to all of us along the way.

Hi Sharatola,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get to you - There are some effective phrases here - eg - ' A month short of fifteen and too poor for a midwife' / 'tide of unwelcome whispers' - both of which are examples of tight, economical writing, but I have a few other comments which i hope will be useful and constructive - I gained so much from constructive criticism here.
Try to avoid cliches - you have quite a number in your opening -eg - 'darkest hour before dawn' (occurs twice) / 'rocked her to the core'
I think also you need to tone down the descriptions - the opening is a little ott. - eg - 'wind shrieking like an angry witch' / 'hand of god demonstrating its wrath' Less is definitely more in description.
Also newborns aren't pretty - more like prunes than rosebuds - that bit was reminiscent of a fairytale. (Sorry.)
Good luck with this,
Margaret

I loved it. Your language and description are rich and completely suffuse you into the scene. Beautiful atmospheric writing! I got all tense at the start! Good luck.

Sara (Knight of Swords)

I think your cover is very good, and the pitch is quite interesting. Some of your punctuation needs fixing, for example the semi colons in "...love of her life Ramon; is drawn by her innocence.; However..." An editor can help you fix those and other errors in punctuation and grammar. Otherwise, this is a strong theme. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Great story and characters, moving along at breakneck speed. Love it!!
Christine Elaine Black
MAXIMUS

Enthralling and rollicking tale. Rosalinda is a resilient, brave waif. The gritty and visceral reality of the eighteen hundreds is the perfect setting for this gutsy, lusty lass. Good on ya, Sharatola!
Best of luck, it's a worthy effort. Backed.
SC
(Viene La Tormenta)

Sharatola, This is a well written perfectly paced book with lots of intrique an well rounded MC's. Rosalinda a product of enviroment is tossed about with hopes of an answered prayer by her mom for a life better then her own.

Her encounter with her unbeknown father and a savior in the highwayman Ramon whose own life left him bitter, sweeps us away on a fast,and unpredictable journey into the unknown.

I think this is a very good story and would love to know when you upload more...Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Interesting read--backed. Best of luck with its future. Remember December Gold in your reading.

You are son fantastic, Sharatola, :) I'm so happy that you backed my 2 books. :) Again, I came to your "comment" page so that it will advance your book. :) I took your book off of my "watchlist" & will now put it back on to hopefully help, too. :) God bless you for taking the time for me. :) Love, Suise :)
p.s. Your picture on your book cover is totally darling - I love it. :) Why can't we dress like that now?. :)

An intriguing story, set in the 18th century of a peasant girl and a highwayman. This is well written and very enjoyable so I am backing it.
Take a look at my book, Three Stayed Home aWW2 adventure and love story. Different to yours but I hope you like it, JohnJ

Dear Sharatola, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up). Could you PLEASE take a moment to "comment/back" my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :) Love, Susie :)

Good stuff!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

LADY Highwayman: I read this awhile ago and thought I had commented. You have a great read here. Your characters from the outset are intriguing and your writing is excellent. Well done.

Heidi
Pearl Edda

This is out of my realm of reading so I really can't comment.
best of luck with it,
a zoomer

Hi S -- I've put you on my shelf but you have to do something with your pitch. I hope this helps--

A sweeping tale of a peasant girl(')s adventures in England in the eighteenth century, surviving and conquering the greatest obstacle of all -- being female.


Rosalinda understands poverty intimately, having grown up a peasant in the wilds of ‘The Lake districts.’ Her mother has diligently protected her from the truth of her shameful conception and the lord who is her true father.

On the crest of adulthood, she is swept from all that she knows and sent to work in her aunt(')s tavern in London. Her life seems to be caught in a downward spiral, and she discovers some of the unpleasant truths about the nature of men.

Ramon is of noble birth but has a dark and secret life. As a highwayman, prowling the highways by night, he has no time for women. But when he is forced to come to Rosalinda's aid, her innocence draws him into her life.

Rosalinda must survive many perils and hardships: living with gypsies, captured by pirates and discovering the sweeping courts of Versailles.

Will she get her chance to trust one man’s love?

This is excellent. I read Chapter One and was enthralled. Great description, solid charging pace. Good job, and thanks for a great read!

Thx for backing Going Out In Style.
I have put your book on my watchlist and will read and comment by Friday.
Thx again,
a zoomer

This is everything you want from a tale set in the eighteenth century, the opening is wonderful, takes you right into the cottage and the birth of the main character. Then to follow an exciting adventure.

Best wishes
Jacqui
Once Upon a Blue Moon

Dear Sharatola, I love romance & historical fiction. Your book cover is darling. Your blurb is good because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

You hooked me with your pitch! You write well but need to be careful of starting too many sentence with "ing" words, and take a looks at your punctuation in the instances you do as well. It's jarring and looks unprofessional. This link might help: http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/10/marks-of-amateur-starting-list.html
The story was engaging and the POV is endearing. Well done.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Your use of the elements in the opening chapter is very dramatic, putting the reader immediately in the eye of the storm. I thought too that you decked out the subsequent story very prettily with well-chosen decriptive images and the language was generally convincing. I would avoid saccharine as too modern, and snowdrops are the first flowers of spring rather than winter. Small niggles which do not detract from a runaway story. You must have gathered many fans.

Well you have outdone them all. Riveting stoRy telling and super writing talent. I say no more. A winner all the way.

A real pleasure to read.

THE LORD OF THE DAWN. BEYOND 2012

Oooo! What a treat! I can never resist a well-written historical romance! Backed! Straussy

Enticing! Really liked it.

You start off with a terrific blurb (need a 's for peasant girl's). I got a little lost in the pitch. Cover is terrific.

Just had a few technical issues--Lots of quotations with single ' marks, and the bold type started taking a toll on my eyes for full reading--especially by Chapter 3.

Things really start moving when Ramon enters in Chapter 5. I would caution you on the word 'little' it shows up quite a bit. Terrific pacing!

kb
The Mischievous Lady Moorecroft

ps
Thanks for the comment you left me about the horses!

the cover of this drew me, and I am glad it did! The way you describe things is fantastic. You get backed by me for sure :)

LADY HIGHWAYMAN:

Sharatola,

A story full of intrigue and conflict, with complex characters and a hint of unrequited love. You hold the readers attention with your vivid descriptions and excellent characterisation, and with prose that is lively and full of energy.

Rosalinda is a main character you can't help loving.

Backed with pleasure,
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

As Richard said, you use descriptions and setting very well to create a tone and mood throughout the story, allowing the reader to make shadowy assumptions about what may lie ahead. Overall, I thought this was a great piece, evocative and intriguing.

Backed.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

Lady Highwayman:

Sharatola,

As the child is born it seems more than coincidence that 'the wind shrieked like an angry witch' while 'Dark and thunderous the storm swept...' and there is a subtle parallel which suggests an ominous fate for the child or the mother.
In some very evocative description of scene and setting we see the mother, herself once born to a humble and hard life, 'please God, bless the baby with a life more fortunate than my own' and though the chapter ends when 'A new day dawned, a beautiful day to welcome new life,' there is still looming that stark contrast as 'the winds dropped the third voice cried out in the darkest hour, a cock's crow heralding dawn.'
In prose of vivid and evocative phrasing to create mood, you leave the chapter on a knife edge, making me want to read to the next,

Her hasty marriage left her with tide of whispers...
sounded a bit odd. Should there be an 'a' in there?

why would an osprey be flying in the dark? not typical behaviour for a diurnal bird. Are the cires of the osprey one of the three voices? If you're including the cock crowing I don't see why not.

When was she gathering eggs and doing the chores? The previous day? The jumping aropund in time wasn't very smoothly done. Seventeen hours was oddly specific.

The young mother's first bit of dialogue appears to be in a completely different voice to her second line of dialogue.

Punctuation around dialogue is full of errors. For example:
"...till mi' dying breathe." She murmured...
should be:
"...till mi dying breath," she murmured...
note: breathe should be breath, mi' and ah' don't require an apostrophe as no letter is being left out.

The highway man stuff reads okay, although your prose tends towards purple a lot of the time. It bogs down the pace and I felt it could do with a little trimmimg, although that's a matter of taste. I would have liked Ramon to have been a little more creative in how he stopped Sidney from shagging her ladyship. He says stop it, the guy stops - felt a bit flat. The sex part was fine, the rest of the scene sort of fizzled out, imo.

I found the writing a bit too over the top at times and felt it got in the way of the story. If you want the child born in dramatic fashion having a storm going on is a bit cliched, I would suggest have her argue with her husband at the same time as giving birth. Or have her start labour and him leave to go tend his flock. Maybe have her follow him to the local tavern and give birth in the bar. My point is have things happen, don't just describe the backdrop in dramatic language.

The same with the stick up. You have the sex, how can that lead to more complications? How can Ramon's sorting things out show us the kind of man he is?

You have various interesting elements of a story but I didn't feel you made the most of them.

Best of luck with it.
regards
mood

You have been gifted, it seems to me, with the ability to tell a story simply and so effectively the reader just has to keep turning the pages. This overrides any small faults; the book has an energy and life of its own.

(I'll back it when I next change my shelf.)

Gorgeous, lyrical writing. I'd buy this book for sure.
backed
Genevieve

The birth of a child of Lord Windermere is described in wonderful detail in the prologue, but unknown to the reader in terms of a father until much later in the plot. The style of expression fits extremely well with the historical fiction genre. The locales are beautifully done along with the scenes within the locales. All in all, this work, in my opinion, ranks with the best writing I have ever read. Backed Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Well researched, saucy, great dialogue and a real page turner.
Love the fact that it focuses on peasant life as opposed to the aristocracy.
Can t wait to read more chapters.
Alison Butler (The Hanging of Margaret Dickson)

Fascinating story. It takes a skilled writer to transition from one time period to another or from one pov to another, yet you accomplish both seamlessly. I assume Ramon is the protagonist and that the baby girl will become his undoing. Ramon seems to be a viable leader in the midst of survival, if Sidney isn't his undoing.

Best of luck on Authonomy ~ Toby

Good depiction of time and place. Rosie makes an engaging protagonist -- and with gypsies, pirates and highwaymen she'll have a lot to keep her busy.

This is a great piece. I love historical fiction, and you've captured the setting and voice very nicely.

Best of luck,
Andrea

I love the cover!
Your work has a great sense of place, language and character. It has a wonderful, distinctive voice. Everything fits beautifully. It needs a really good edit, but anyone can do that. To create a world so vibrant with plot and characters is rare.

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

A great start to your novel. Bravo. I'll put this on my shelf for you. Backed. Dave

This is a beautifully written novel with polished charcters and diolouge. C W

This historical piece fairly throbs with virile action, female physical charms and eighteenth century ambiance. Highwaymen, in reality much despised and feared in olden days, became legendary Robin Hood type characters much later after poems such as The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes caught the public imagination. The writing in this M.S. is colourful and energetic while the plot develops at a canter – just the right pace for a ‘bodice ripper’. The characters are credible and well formed. Small point - It is always risky to attempt to convey believable dialect in text and a degree of editing is necessary e.g. contrast used twice in one sentence. However, this required ‘tweaking’ does not detract from the overall quality of a tale well told.

Lady Highwayman:

I read and backed this Mar 21 and, for whatever reason, forgot to post my comment, but wanted to tell you now, what a delicious read, this was.

Full of colour, vivid images, and likable characters. And even though it needs a bit of editing (doesn’t all our books :) I didn’t stop to note any nits.

I often wonder how young girls who give birth, sometimes alone, know what to do. I’d panic if I had to go it alone, and all my four children are grown. :o.

A most interesting read.

All the best,

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Hi Sharatola, The atmosphere is nicely drawn – liked the wind being like a witch. These inauspicious circumstances for the birth and the tavern job make for a roiling rags to riches. The style involves! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I have to admit the cover and the title drew me in. I made definite plans to read and review this one and I’m glad to say I’ve not been disappointed.

From the off you have us gripped. Rosalinda’s birth is dramatic as the rest of her life promises to be. Your writing style lends itself to the telling of this story making us want to read on. It is clear you have a lot of passion for your writing and your characters.

Thank you for such a lovely read I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Well done.

~ ILA ~

A century earlier but we obviously share a love of the historical underdog.
Your pitch promises a great romp between nobility and the less fortunate and your writing doesn't disappoint. A dramatic prologue sets up your story and you take us into the era with ease. Well crafted characters and a great story line ensures the reader's enjoyment and I'm absorbed as I read on. Backed with pleasure. Margaret.

My first impression was that this was a well written bodice ripper.
And you do write well. I like the structure of your sentences, you're obviously a writer who reads her work outloud to test it on the ear. I dipped through a few chapters and found solid writing in through each. My only problem was actually with the formatting and to echo the thoughts of someone else that the bold font is not easy on the eyes. As for the writing, I backed it with pleasure the other day.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Backed with pleasure! Joss E. Morris (A Bore No More)

What a well written and truly original story you have here.

It flows beautifully with a story that is intriguing, drawing me in immediately.

I couldn't find anything that I could help with here, story is the most important thing to me and you have a great one here.

Jo xx

Spoilt