Bluebird

Amazing connection between the two, well three. I love the way you grasped the teenage heart and the reincarnated "Bear". The Native American maiden's ghost--I could feel her pain, but could experience the joy and fun of Christine's first love and to be honest I hope her only love. I would love to read more of the story. I love reading a story I can feel. It brings it that much more closer to my heart. Thank you for telling me about it! Best of luck!

~Bethanie

- Bluebird -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I didn't expect to enjoy this as much as I did. The YA genre is one I've never really read, even when I was a YA myself, so I was a bit unsure coming ito it but all doubts were dispelled immediately in the frist chapter. The characterisation, both of Christine and the teacher is very sharp and focused, there is just the right amount of tension and the background and exposition in worked in well, without being overbearing.

As nitpicks on the first chapter, I'd note that hair and eyes are described as 'dark' a few times and maybe the adjectives in general, particularly for physical descriptions, could be a wee bit more lively. During Christine's dance, we hear that she 'fell to the floor'. That confused me as I thought she'd gotten it wrong and lost her balance, thereby falling. Perhaps a different verb would help aoid any confusion. Lastly, we here that her hiccups 'seem to have subsided.' The word 'seem' is in the present tense when the rest is in the past.

Chapter two I thought very lever indeed. The voice is learly distinct from that of the first chapter and it sets up an excellent atmosphere. This paranormal aspect of the story, the wanderinig spirit and her observations, I found excellent.

There were typos in there:
- Christine' long limbs
-Christing exists her school building

The third chapter seemed to capture very well the teenage mentality and the general hormonal crossfire thereof, as well as setting up the relationship between the two main characters.

All in all I was very impressed. Really, it's very good indeed.

All the best with it,

Ross

- Bluebird -

(chapters 4-12)

Very pleased to have finally returned to this.

As I mentioned in a previous comment, I'm far from an expert in YA novels so I can't give any in-depth criticism but I did thoroughly enjoy reading the remainder of what's posted here.

I recall being impressed by how distinct the narrative voices for the Christine and Bluebird chapters were and that is even more the case as the novel progresses. In each chapter, it's clear from the very first sentence, no matter how short it may be, which viewpoint we are dealing with. This is obviously achieved by the switch from third to third person but in addition to that, the writing style is also cleverly altered when we come to Bluebird so the tone and feel of the chapters are completely different. The omission of contractions and the more poetic imagery, I think, go a long way to making this the case.

Up to where I had previously read, the sections dealing with Bluebird (or was there only one to that stage?) were largely mood setting, I think. What is impressive from here on is how her own story progresses, intertwining the plot with Christine's story.

I didn't really take notes as I ot a bit wrapped up in the story but a few nits:

- I think it's in chapter 8 where Bluebird says 'I haven't told you this.' i'd rather see 'have not' in there as it would better suit the rest of her speech, i.e., without contractions.

- chapter four, I think, has mention of 'this sensual world'. 'Sensual' somehow feels like the wrong word.

- In one of the chapters, Christine is described as 'part-indian'. Should 'Indian' not be capitalised?

Minor nits, of course. I was, again, very impressed.

All the best,

Ross

Revising my previous comment in the wake of your revisions of Bluebird's narrative - well done! I had a much better feel for her both as a First Nations woman and as a sympathetic character undergoing severe temptation. Only one point, and it's quite minor - the possibility that the name Running Bear will induce giggles among less mature readers (which sometimes includes me, I have to admit).

Giulietta,
Bluebird has such a mysterious quality to it. I could picture Christine while she danced and answered her teacher's questions in front of the class. Then the perspective changes to an Indian ancestor of hers. The element of suspense creeps in as the reader is left to wonder what role this Indian ancestor will have in the story. Native Americans are rare and precious in modern-day society and I could see in the synopsis that Christine will come to know one named Rick who will draw out qualities in her which are beneath the surface. All this will happen while the ghost of Bluebird watches from outside of Christine's awareness. The narrative style of this story is very unique and it's one I wish I had more time to read as I'm very curious about where the story is going from here. I already like Christine and want to know more about her. I enjoyed my visit to this unusual account and am pleased to give it the full six stars for the original and intriguing storyline.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi,
I like YA romance so came to have a read. I read all you've posted. I was enthralled with the shifting perspectives from the ghost to Christine. I must admit I became more enamoured with Bluebird andBear's story than with Chrisitne. But it sure made for an interesting mix. You wrote good parrallels between the two, combining the two threads of the stories nicely. You have an almost poetic way with words, and the prose flowed very smoothly.
All in all I enjoyed this read, very well done.
Cheers Jacoba

Firstly, let me apologise for any delay--'Bluebird' has just been added to my website in the 'Romance' section. It's an elegant love story, Giulietta, and those able pitches are what hooked me to open your manuscript.

Here are my impressions and feedback from reading the start of this novel: Because of the age of the protagonist/s, both the girl and the ghost, and the romantic thread that travels through the centuries to bind them, I think you should narrow the genres you list to simply 'romance' and 'young adult.' This will help dopes like me to determine at first blush what this story is really about and who the target audience is. It's about that these days, pigeon-holing your product, and, if you confine the book's classification in this way, I believe it will serve to guide more readers to your wonderful work and, ultimately, a publisher as well.

*Hope you don't mind my saying this.

CHEERS to you and best of luck with 'Bluebird'--
E.R.

Amazing connection between the two, well three. I love the way you grasped the teenage heart and the reincarnated "Bear". The Native American maiden's ghost--I could feel her pain, but could experience the joy and fun of Christine's first love and to be honest I hope her only love. I would love to read more of the story. I love reading a story I can feel. It brings it that much more closer to my heart. Thank you for telling me about it! Best of luck!

~Bethanie

- Bluebird -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I didn't expect to enjoy this as much as I did. The YA genre is one I've never really read, even when I was a YA myself, so I was a bit unsure coming ito it but all doubts were dispelled immediately in the frist chapter. The characterisation, both of Christine and the teacher is very sharp and focused, there is just the right amount of tension and the background and exposition in worked in well, without being overbearing.

As nitpicks on the first chapter, I'd note that hair and eyes are described as 'dark' a few times and maybe the adjectives in general, particularly for physical descriptions, could be a wee bit more lively. During Christine's dance, we hear that she 'fell to the floor'. That confused me as I thought she'd gotten it wrong and lost her balance, thereby falling. Perhaps a different verb would help aoid any confusion. Lastly, we here that her hiccups 'seem to have subsided.' The word 'seem' is in the present tense when the rest is in the past.

Chapter two I thought very lever indeed. The voice is learly distinct from that of the first chapter and it sets up an excellent atmosphere. This paranormal aspect of the story, the wanderinig spirit and her observations, I found excellent.

There were typos in there:
- Christine' long limbs
-Christing exists her school building

The third chapter seemed to capture very well the teenage mentality and the general hormonal crossfire thereof, as well as setting up the relationship between the two main characters.

All in all I was very impressed. Really, it's very good indeed.

All the best with it,

Ross

Giulieta,
Lovers in a previous life, a premise with instant appeal, and you work it very well. "Bluebird" has all the elements of a great romance, an ill-fated love affair from the distant past, reincarnated lovers given a second chance, a ghost hovering about seeking closure. The switching POV from Christine to ghost took a bit of getting used to at first, but it held true and blended in smoothly afterwards. Thank you for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

great active first chapter. you create a sympathetic main character and a relatable scene full of palpable tension, realistic dialogue and vivid physical descriptions.
thanks for the read.

Great first chapter! You give us the vivid detail of dancing and you put on on Christine's side straight away. So many teens feel different, out of place somehow so we empathise with this in her, and teens will, I think, be excited about reading about someone who seems to understand them. You have some lovely phrases, too - I love the image of feet "whispering across" the stage... perfect... that's exactly what the shuffling sounds like. (Though I wondered if you wanted "whispered" again in the next paragraph?) "Her dark eyes limitless"...

Nit: not sure about a voice not inviting comfort. I was wondering if "evoke" might be better here?

I like the voice in chapter two, too... I wonder if you should wait a few paragraphs before you introduce Running Bear, because I'm already trying to get my head around what is happening in this chapter which is so different from the first, and introducing a new character risks making it too confusing... but maybe that's just me!

Good stuff.

You did a great job of capturing the feeling of walking out onto stage in front of a huge audience. I was right there with Christine. Good work. If I were to change anything about the opening, I would consider adding a bit more internalization so we can see into Christine's head as she prepares to introduce herself. I also thought you did a great job characterizing her passion for and dependence on dancing early on. It helped shape her character moving forward. I also liked the teacher. Though you mention that she doesn't smile much, she certainly seemed to care about Christine as she pushed her to share about herself while also allowing her to complete her dance.

The writing is stellar. Your sentences flow smoothly, and the opening was a quick, enjoyable read.

I also like that you hinted at the plot at the very end while simultaneously giving us a solid hook. In fact, I turned right to chapter 2 and kept reading because I was intrigued to find out who or what the movement in the back of the theatre was.

While I enjoyed the first chapter more than the second, I did like the hint of the paranormal in the second chapter. It's definitely intriguing.

My only real suggestion is to comb through this and trim any unnecessary adverbs or adjectives that don't add to your story. Your writing is strong enough without them.

Minor typos: "the hiccups seemed to have subsided." "sixteen-year-old self." It is hyphenated when it's an adjective. Is there something wrong with the sentence that starts, "Christine exists her school building...?"

This is a solid start. You're a talented writer and I love how much of a connection you've built with Christine early on. I think a lot of teens will be able to relate to her. Good work!

Star rated too! :) I'll be back!

Wow! This is absolutely beautiful Giulietta! Read your first chapter so far. I can see Christine's graceful beauty and her gorgeous dark hair. Also the stern, caustic look of her teacher. I see her kind and caring friend watching on. I like the shadow in the dark at the end, the reader needing to read further in anticipation. Very nice! Great job. I'd like to read more and finish. The font is perfect except for the boldness which is hard on the eyes. Your pitch sucked me in first. So good job overall!

Thanks for the great read so far! All my best! ;)
Ellise
~The Governess~

THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR COMMENTS SO FAR!
I have done a rewrite, and hope that Bluebird now has a stronger voice that is more fitting of her past life as a hunter-gatherer.
I look forward to hearing what the community thinks on this newest version!

Bluebird is written in a pleasant and readable style, and the premise is one that could appeal to the YA paranormal romance audience. The scene where Bluebird watches the grains of sand wash away is very effective. What held me back (bear in mind this is only one reader's opinion!) was that I couldn't get a feel for Bluebird as a First Nations woman. I'm sure you've done considerable research, but to me she seemed more like a 20th century suburban white girl, with her casual mention of 'Cupid's arrow', her slut-shaming of her rival, her isolation from her age-mates. She didn't seem like someone who lived in a tribal hunter-gatherer culture. This may not be an issue for an agent or publisher, but obviously I can only review from my own point of view. Best of luck with this.

Hi Giulletta,

Though this isn't the kind of story I would usually read, I liked what I've had time to read. It isn't the first to be told from the viewpoint of a ghost or to use this theme, but it it is nicely written and it comes across as fresh.

One inconsistency in the first chapter. Your character says the name 'suited her adult form', but we later find she died at sixteen, so she never actually reached adulthood.

Also, in the second chapter you use both spellings of the word blond. Correctly used it should be blonde for female, blond for male. Recently the tow spellinings have become interchangable but you do need to be consistent.

Ron

Dear Giulleta,

I started to read your Opus and I thought I would give you my two cents worth.

By the way, that is a lovely name.

The first thing that impress me here is the juxtaposition between the dream quality of the writing and the subject matter. Here we have the fable like voice of Bluebird narrating gruesome stuff (i.e. "bloody scenes I wish to forget"), all of which creates a first chapter that reads like a Dali painting;

that is, like a piece of surrealism.

There is a soft landing of the voice in the following chapters yet it maintains some of that dreamy quality:

"Cristine imagined that they were the wings of......."

All of this makes the emotional map of her voice the jewel of this novel;

the carousel like ebbs and flows, the ever sliding stiletto walk to paint her inner struggle and the use of poetic moments to establish her grace.

Some of my favorites:

"ice crystals pierced...."

"energy crackles through...."

"twirled right into him"

"betraying a racing heart"

"turn to shivreled prunes"

A minor/minoirest/minormost point:

My suggestion would be to separate a bit further the two voices (Bluebird and Cristina). Why not use language to inform the reader that even though these two voices inhabit the same body, they belong to different epochs?

Specifically why not keep more of the dream-like quality of the first chapter for Bluebird while Cristina's voice remains thoroughly modern?

Hope it helps

Overall wonderful, 6 stars

david

Hi,Giulietta, Thank you for continuing to support my book, I do appreciate it very much.

"Bluebird" is very well writen. Your excellent description compels the reader to carry on.
The first chapter sets the pace for an emotional story.
It's all important to get the first chapter right. It makes the difference between whether a book fails or succeeds.
I think yours will do well in the marketplace. Well done!!
I certainly star rate your book and wish you well with it.

regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

Dear Giulietta, your vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

Hi Giulietta,
I’ve already backed your book and now at last some comments.
I haven’t had much exposure to YA fiction (even as a YA), but judging from the stuff in the shops, your book strikes me as an intelligent and compelling piece of YA fiction, drawing on Native American experience and spirituality. I like your use of simple language that is not dumbed-down or patronising. I am drawn to Bluebird and Christine and their respective and intertwined stories.
Lovely work and nice take on reincarnation for YA.
Cheers,
Wadim – Perfect Human Creations

Yes, Giulietta – beautiful name – sixteen is so young. I love your sweet Bluebird, lovely and gentle and romantic, but what’s this? Revenge for a broken heart? And who is this mean Mrs. Merrell? Ah, but to dance like a swan! All the young Odettas with their hearts set on their Prince Siegfried’s will float away on this fluffy cloud.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Very accomplished and descriptive almost poetical writing. It reads easily and has a good pace that drew me straight into the story.
Jane

Good read, and interesting use of Amerindian folklore

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

I enjoyed your style of writing. And as a kid, i was a Pocohontas fan... SO you hooked me! Wish you had posted the lot! Angi

Such clean writing, Giulietta, scarcely an adjective or adverb to disturb the clarity of one's vision. An original story swiftly unfolds,
Backed,
David Grant

I always loved to watch the native Americans ride. I loved the old western films. Of course this is not Cowboys and Indians, but it makes a change to see a book written where the protagonists are native Americans. Your style is quite literary. The book comes to life with the classroom scene, expertly done in chapter two. Good luck with this.

All the best. No more comments on your work. It is really very impressive.

BAcked,
S. Vinay kumar,
the ark and the aroma of peril

Thanks for the compliment. Your book has a great premise and intrigues me too. I love a good love story and yours seems like it's going somewhere great!

- Scott

Beautifully written and I love the concept. Well done. Backed with pleasure. I hope you will check out The Temple Dancer. Eunice.

Your writing is smooth and well appointed. I enjoed the way you manipulate your characters in such subtle fashion but those manipulations have tremendous impact on the read; a very skillful use of language and style.

BACKED

I enjoyed reading the six chapters I've read so far. I love how they flow. One can really lose themselves in the novel and the romance. It usually isnt my sort of read, but I would by lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. It is definitely backed.

Hi Giulietta

This is an extremely accomplished piece of work, achingly romantic and so poetic. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Giuletta, What a beautifully rich novel. Heritage, young love, family and such wonderful images. I love the short chapters perfect for the genre and the pace.

Your characters are engaging and we find ourselves emotionally invested with that moving opening. I love the premise and read all of what you posted Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Great narrative. You have a keen ability to paint a picture with words.

Backed!
Mike

Giuletta
Very nice story for young ladies. I am guessing your target audience is young adults/adolescent girls and this would be a winner for all of them. THe feelings and insecurities of the young hero come thru nicely. Good Luck.

R/S

This is a wonderful example of YA writing that has the most original premise. I could not find fault with the three chapters I read and would like to wish you all the best with it.
Carl
The Time Hunters

You have crafted a most unique and quite compelling love story - unrequeted love over a few centuries. Your openning chapter with Bluebird recounting her death and waiting for Running Bear's spirit is touching and sets up the balance of your story beautifully. Your use of imagery is excellent, the dialogue is well written and your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Giulietta,

Great opening paragraph. And the short first chapter grabs the attention.

Second chapter 'switches' viewpoint and we meet Christine another short chapter, but here there's dialogue and a little action.

Little to offer by way of constructive criticism. Two things you might consider:

--the paragraphing of dialogue to ensure that each paragraph contains only the actions and words of one character (for example the second paragraph of chapter two I'd break after the first sentence); and

--in your short pitch I'd be tempted to make the question a stateme (Centuries later they meet again) as if the answer to the question is 'no' the pitch isn't really relevant to the question . . .

However, that's a minor point. Your writing is crisp and the story moves with a good pace. Backed.

You have a good opening scene and your story progresses quickly. Well done. I backed it.

What a beautiful story. So well told with exquisitly drawn characters. It reminds me a bit of Victoria Hislop's 'The Return' which I read recently, even though your plot is so completely different! Backed with pleasure. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

My goodness Giulietta, what a beautiful setting and theme for a book! I love it, it is so different to to many books on here, and refreshing to come across something so unique. I like your writing style too:)
Backed with pleasure and all the very best with you book.

Love Manolya- Bitter Honey & ove in No-Man's Land

I really get immersed in well-written stories like this. I love the mystery and spiritualism of this book. The characters are well-drawn, the dialogue believable.
Eric Wilder - Prairie Sunset

Christine's perspective from the spirit world is an incredible draw. I could feel her disembodiment as she describes her circumstances, and the love she has for Running Bear, even in old age. It is truly a love that transcends death. This is a wonderful story. Backed with pleasure.

Craig

I love stories that mix things up. You have a lot going here for a romance. I really like the reincarnation theme and your decision to focus on cross-cultural elements and the situation of the Other. Introverted Christine and the ghost of Bluebird is a fascinating way to begin. "Maybe she sensed me. She shuddered just as I moved past her." Bear is back and so Bluebird wants to get Christine involved so that she can "kiss those young lips." When I get a little more time, I'll be back to read more. This is an interesting take on romance. Backed for now.

I love stories of reincarnation. Wonderfully written and strong characters. Backed!

Donna Burgess (Darklands)

A strange piece, backed for novelty. Some parts are lyrical, some very human and not what we might expect of a reincarnated being.

Lara
Good for Him

This has a most beautiful storyline. I loved Bluebird's voice in chapter 1 and I thought you captured her essence very well. The only thing I was confused about was that since you date chap.1 - 1763, then how come she knows about Christine already. Maybe not dating it, but simply telling in her narrative voice may work better as she travels through years being a ghost.
Christine is nicely portrayed in all her insecurities and I loved the contrast established between the two girls. Your writing is beautiful and I found it refreshing.
Backed.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Giulietta,

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece! Although reincarnation feels to many Westerners like a fantasy tale - there are millions of people in the world, who not only believe it - they do live according to the idea that as Soul's journey has not started and is not ending with their present life.

The heartfelt depth of your study, the characters which are magically bond with each other (and not just merely the lovers), your perception of Love and sensitivity to human growth - are stunning!

A very valuable - and yet entertaining read.

My highest complements.
And backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Beautifully told and draws the reader in from the start. I loved this concept and I definitely want to read more.

Melissa of
Melissa + Amanda
Burns Like the Sun

Dear Giulietta --

Bluebird is a lovely piece of literary fiction, blending the lives of Bluebird and Christine with a finely paced narrative that unfolds from two directions with equal strength. We like the varying POV; it adds depth to both girls' experience (although Bluebird is hard to think of as a girl, for her voice is so much more confident than Christine's, despite their similar age range in Bluebird's original life). Indeed, Bluebird's voice is incredibly distinct and haunting -- really beautiful.

Our suggestion thus far: take care with shifting POV; for example, in chapter 2, when we're shifted out of Christine's experience to Mrs. Merrell scanning C's "long, straight jet hair" etc. This felt jarring, as we were deeply sympathizing with C's dilemma.

This is, however, a small thing in comparison with the immense quality of this story, both mechanically and thematically. We thank you so much for supporting The Long Black Veil and bringing us here to read Bluebird. BACKED. -- Delhui