Stonebringer

I've read up to chapter 14 & I must say I like your story so far, but there are a few points on the writing style that need addressing.

Firstly, your language, flow and presentation of conversations desperately needs revising! You can use 'don't, can't' etc in conversation, it makes it more realistic. You often have separate paragraphs when it's the same person continuing the speech. You miss speech marks at the beginning of sentences & you often don't clarify who is speaking or give any other clues as to what is happening as a character is talking; conversation is more than just words!
Secondly, you often say the same thing twice which can be annoying for the reader. For instance there is one passage were you mention MC's experience of the vastness of a room/cavern, but you say the same thing twice in successive sentences even though you use different words it's still noticeable.
I think you could pull this off but it needs a lot of work doing to it, though the nub of the story is good & well thought out. Never be afraid to rewrite!
I will try to read the rest when I get a chance.
All the best.
Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

The POV works well and, somehow, is both first and third person, no mean feat. Description is good and dialogue is wonderful, really evocative of the characters. This is a very good story, it just needs a bit more promotion for some really excellent feedback. :)
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Your book is a rich, fantasy saga. I did see little mistakes here and there, but NO WHERE bad enough to mention needing an editor in your short pitch. Good grief, man, why don't you just shoot yourself in your foot!
You want an agent or publisher to notice your work? Well, that is not the way to do it. The short pitch should be the best possible hook you can manage and in no way should suggest to the reader that they will have to endure the distraction of poor grammar and punctuation. Fix it pronto puppy, because whether you know it or not, it is severely hampering your forward progress.
Dawn De Remer

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Tom,

Sorry it took so long to get back to this. Just finished up to chapter two and the read keeps me moving forward, as a good writer/story should. You style is fluid, and your use of 1st person POV works well in the two chapters I have read so far. Doing 1st person well is not an easy feat to perform my friend. Even the way you use dialect works well and dialect is not easy to pull off in the written word. Excellant posting ...

One complaint, you start chapter 2 with backstory/history about the town, when I wanted to know more about the town in chapter one. Also, just a suggestion, don't double space between paragraphs, the additional spacing sort of got annoying during the read, but that has nothing to do with your wonderful story or your writing.

And because of your writing, this is a book that I will bookshelf and hopefully get back to reading more sooner than later.

Nick Anthony

Thanks Nick!

Tom,

Your blurb stumbles a little but the second paragraph was enough to draw me in to want to read more when I get a chance. Goes on my watchlist...

Nick Anthony

Tom,

Your blurb stumbles a little but the second paragraph was enough to draw me in to want to read more when I get a chance. Goes on my watchlist...

Nick Anthony

Hi, finally managed to have a little look at this. I enjoyed the first chapter. A few notes:

I liked the description of the Steeps of Hel at the beginning.

Liked the connection between the two boys.

Scrabbling? Was a little confused about his. At first i took it to mean that she barely made a living, then i began to wonder if their was some magical connotation.

I thought you might be able to trim the old woman's narration a bit, especially since her dialect doesn't make for the smoothest reading.

I liked the last two sentences. Very effective.

If you had time to take a look at 'Witch Child', that would be great.

Thanks for that suggestion Fandelion. Been wondering if that was enough of a hook. The real hook is in the second chapter, but I imagine that's too long to wait these days.

Tom

Hey Tom,

Had this watchlisted for a while now - finally got to chapter 1.

I love Bula's speech/accent. Very well done. Dunno how you managed to get it so consistent throughout the chapter. Would have been a lot of work. You could possibly tighten the chapter up up a tad, but otherwise it's good.

My only possible crit for chapter 1 (and it's probably more my curiosity than anything else) is that I'm not sure why you began the story this way. You've set up the boy's situation well, Bula's too, but otherwise I've got no idea what the story's about or even who's important. The boy would most likely be important, and the POV character, but I'm not even sure Bula's a major character yet. I'd expect that by the end of chapter 1 I'd have a fairly good idea both of what I might be in for. I don't. I'm sure when I get to chapter 2 that'll all begin to reveal itself. Just curious why you did it this way. The only hook you've left us is curiosity about the boy's origins, and I'm not sure that's enough to draw the reader on. As we're in someone else's POV, I'd have expected you to filter what's going on through their emotions/thoughts/understanding, but there's next to nothing in that regard.

That's just my opinion. I'm assuming at this stage you've got a good reason for it. I hope to get to chapter 2 soon.
Cheers,
Chris

Watchlisting...

Well I have to admit, your pitch didn't entice me in. It seems horribly cliched with princes, orphans, wizards and kingdoms. And I wasn't going to read further. But the comments you're getting intrigued me so I read the first few chapters of this and was pleasantly surprised.

Your characterisation and dialogue are superb. Bula is alive on the page - fabulous. And the story so far fortunately doesn't live up to the pitch as it seems fresh and original.

So please - do yourself a favour and make your pitch worthy of the novel! Have some confidence and be proud of your work - you don't need an editor. This is a great read!

Hey Tom,

Had this watchlisted for a while now - finally got to chapter 1.

I love Bula's speech/accent. Very well done. Dunno how you managed to get it so consistent throughout the chapter. Would have been a lot of work. You could possibly tighten the chapter up up a tad, but otherwise it's good.

My only possible crit for chapter 1 (and it's probably more my curiosity than anything else) is that I'm not sure why you began the story this way. You've set up the boy's situation well, Bula's too, but otherwise I've got no idea what the story's about or even who's important. The boy would most likely be important, and the POV character, but I'm not even sure Bula's a major character yet. I'd expect that by the end of chapter 1 I'd have a fairly good idea both of what I might be in for. I don't. I'm sure when I get to chapter 2 that'll all begin to reveal itself. Just curious why you did it this way. The only hook you've left us is curiosity about the boy's origins, and I'm not sure that's enough to draw the reader on. As we're in someone else's POV, I'd have expected you to filter what's going on through their emotions/thoughts/understanding, but there's next to nothing in that regard.

That's just my opinion. I'm assuming at this stage you've got a good reason for it. I hope to get to chapter 2 soon.
Cheers,
Chris

Dear Tom, thanks for your kind comments on BB. T is sort of described right at the beginning, but not too much. I tend to steer away form describing characters so that readers can make their own minds up. Thanks for shelving, too. R

Hi Tom,
Sim is no better than Stonebringer; in fact your style and theme makes yours a much more important ms. To get yours moving I can only suggest two things- work on the pitch. Nice short paragraphs, a few questions and chuck out the adjectives- don't tell people you need an editor- that's like a double glazing salesman telling people that his windows leak.
Second thing- get reading. Start with the second page of the top talent spotters and read and make comments on any of their books which you honestly like. Also systemmatically read and comment on all fantasy ranked lower than yours. remember that you can move books on and off your shelf as often as you like- the vote still counts so shelve the good ones and tell them you've done it.People will reciprocate and Stonebringer will move. You read ten- 6 of them will read you. Four of them will back it. This all sounds horribly cynical and it is BUT publishing is a ruthless business- God knows why we all want it so much.
I know lots of people advocate using the forums to get known but I think they're a dead loss- like the kind of party where i spend a dutiful hour getting pissed in the kitchen and then make an excuse and leave. Fantasy isn't as bad but YA is awful!
Hope this helps, yours MacchiavelliJak

Dear Tom, I don't think this needs an editor. OKay, you're a little overwordy in places, and your narrative loses itself (but only a little) in the chapter where they go swimming. Other than that, I think this is a really good book, and it gets darker as it goes along (have read 5 chapters). Your paragraphs are all the right length, just short enough to make sure the reader's attention doesn't drift. Your punctuation is up to scratch.

I repeat, this is a good book,. which is why I'm shelving it. I actually wanted to read it all, but I've got so much to read I haven't the time.

R

Cheers! I'm still dead honoured that you put Sim in your 'fantasy that doesn't suck' category! Do you go phases of believing that you just can't do it? i certainly do. I've now worked out that people's ratings son't suffer if you drop them from the bookshelf so I'm going to bounce one of them to give a place to Stonebringer because, as you know, I've always liked it and it deserves more recognition. jak

Hi Tom, thanks for your comments on Sim - in defence of the appalling family (and they are utterly indefensible) the lad must be a complete little turd to live with. Still, they are out of it after the first few pages ( apart from a brief guest appearance in the second half) Glad you liked the swearing and the names- enormous fun to write.

This is an awesome book! tom's prose is spectacular ... a little overdone at times, but still spectacular. And he's a great storyteller. It's rare to fins a great storyteller who also understands the beauty of prose. Editing is certainly needed, but MAN! this is a great piece to work with!

You're welcome Robb, though I should be the one thanking you, since now I know who I want to be when I grow up – to become Grindstaffian.

Wild? Are you insane? Me, wild? Oh okay, I know I shoot from the hip, but I couldn't help myself. You touched my heart with your prose. Utterly natural, brilliantly at ease. I'm shocked you've had that many rejections. That's really weird. Somebody in the publishing business is dumb as a stump.

I dashed off to my comment box as soon as the tall girl turned into a fan, then had to go back and finish that chapter, since I couldn't help myself. So yes, it took me two chapters to decide you're a genius. You sport the golden mark of professionalism, and to me it stands out here like a very unsore thumb. So I guess that would be not swollen but supremely up.

Tom, thanks so much for the read and the review. Your compliments blow me away. I'll have to get out my 25 rejection letters to re-read just to bring me back to earth. Seriously, thanks. May I ask how far you read before jumping to those wild conclusions?

Personally I think this story is a diamond just needing to be polished...

Thanks Jon! Gotta agree about the adverbs, except I would call it crunchy and slimy eggshell, alas. Somebody stop me before I over-describe again!

I love the language in this book. Tom is a wordsmith.

It doesn't bother me at all to get feedback in a comment. Quite the opposite, in fact: I think anything less is uncivilized.

You're right about the first chapter. It's a prologue, in fact, just not labeled that way. I'm going to change that when I put up a few more chapters. Glad you dig, thanks for checking it out and being straight up with your thoughts. Respect.

Hey, neat story, Tom. It's got the fantasy tropes, but reads fresh. I dig the casual use of terms unique to the world and story. They're just there, justification and explanation need not apply, the reader will catch on. The narrating character has a solid voice, though there's a fair bit of narration that could stand to be trimmed. Bula's tale is so broken up it's hard to follow. I imagine it working much better as a soliloquy after a brief introduction of scene, the narrator and child locking eyes. Lots of adverbs, too. They're like bits of eggshell in an otherwise tasty omelette.

Thirty chapters! I'm interested to see whether they're all as interesting.