hannah's voice

I’m going to read a few chapters, with comments and at the end give a general feel.
Ch 1. The things which impresses me the most, of the bat, are your structure and compactness of your sentences. The narration is brief, focused from your MC’s character (much like internal dialogue). Your dialogue’s sharp and to the point. These two advance the story at a great pace.
Ch 2 upholds the standards you’ve set in the beginning; nothing to add to that. On the overall critical side…is the story advanced by this chapter? Granted, reader learns a little more about MC but not much else.
Ch 3 is just a continuation of 2, at same speed.
I’m wondering how important these school days are to the story. A reader might put it down but as a writer I’m curious if anything’s going to happen…soon.
Ch 4, though well written still doesn’t do much for me as a reader. I’m wondering if I didn’t grab, by mistake, a book about the daily routine of a young girl. Okay, and her decision to shut up.
Ch 5. So, another chapter to confirm that she won’t talk. The only thing that keeps it alive is her observations (internal dialogue).
Ch 6. Yes, I read this one too. Don’t know what to say.
The “correctness” of your writing is impressive. I read your blurb and was expecting something to happen much faster. In today’s overcrowded market readers demand fast pace. Regardless of genre, they expect tension on every page…helps them turn those pages. I think you’re taking too much time to get the reader involved. You’ve lost me.
If the writing wasn’t so darn good you would have lost me long time ago.
I would be interested to know when do things start happening?
I’m backing this writing on the sole merit of its wordsmithing, which is close to perfection.

I want to back your book but your arrow is read and I don't see any books on your shelf. I got burned this week by backing several books with red arrows. Give me a reason to back, other than your good writing. It's not enough, unfortunately, if backing you makes me lose my ranking.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Robb: this book has been on this site for a bit but I just came across it. As you know, I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch: can you name the little girl's name? Makes it more compelling, a level of detail that makes us feel empathy. For the long pitch, guess I can live with it but at least break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with a succinct question to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Robb, I love how you share this story - it must have really happened - my sister didn't tell anyone until she was 11 - it's in my memoir that I'll name below. Thanks for sharing what abuse does to kids. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

HANNAH’S VOICE
This is an engaging story. You’ve created a wonderfully complex character in Hannah. I like the way she tells this in first person. It really lets a reader get inside her head and understand, after everything that happens to her, why she stops talking. It’s easy to see, too, why people read more into her silence than necessary and by so doing, make her life worse and worse. Not a happy book, but it is thought provoking. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a very impressive pitch. The way that different people/groups react to Hannah is just perfect for drama. Your prose was very good too. who would have thought that one word 'Pancakes' would finally shut up everyone around her. There is something magnetic, mesmerising even, about your work. It's both enigmatic and should it be published Hannah could be one of those great literary creations.
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
The Time Hunters

I totally like it and feel bad for Hannah. I think this is gonna be really good! Stacie

Looking for a read and came across this book and liked the pitch. This is truly remarkable; the background tension and edginess is palpable and Hannah is a wonderfully rounded character. You build-up images very well and the dialogue - particularly important in this story - is realistic and well handled. The only thing I can think to 'criticise' would be to omit the 'chick lit' tag: I'm not a fan and I certainly wouldn't class this as such and, to me, does your book no favours. Good luck with this stunning book, Carolyn.

wow.. Just having read the first chapter, I can tell this is going to be an incredible novel. You speak in a child's voice so honoustly, without sounding patronising as many others have done. I'm a transplant here in the South, some 30 years now, but I have known mother's like this, and seen the abuse that "good" hardcore Christian upbringing can cause.
it's not pretty. You've nailed it delicately, but surely.

Backed.

Lisa~
Brewer House

You're way out of my league. I can't leave anything constructive here for you, just praise. You have a great turn of phrase that I enjoy immensely. eg "Satan put the dust in his lungs and make him go to sleep." A great allusion to what comes later in the piece.

Strong start and would like to read more. Is Carry Me Away available anywhere yet?

Tim H
Hellbound

I love the way that you start with the point she speaks, and the line "I just chose not to talk for a moment in time." makes the reader want to find out the how, why and where of your characters decision. Fantastic. I wish you the very best of luck with it. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

First person is difficult to do but you seem to have done it beautifully. I love how you put Hanna brakes her silence at the beginning and then goes back to the beginning with her Momma who seems to have dementia. Such a hard life. There could be more description. What does Hanna look like? Her hair color? Her Momma? The color of the room, where are the toys, book shelf?

Hi Robb,

This is very clean writing and it reads very well. No stumbles, no confusion, nothing to suggest at all. I'm envious.

Madison Woods - Retribution

Great characterization and clear, smooth prose. Compelling enough to keep the reader concerned about Hannah's fate.

Hannah's Voice

Hi Robb,

This is accomplished stuff, an intriguing and humane beginning, fluctuating between her silence and her interactions, you depict all of that well. The convolutions tighten in chapter 2 and you keep it rolling, a wonderful warm honey-voiced narrative, like a John Irving book, many characters left to interact with each other in a myriad ways. The decision to become mute is interesting, elective and enigmatic, as much about keeping control as going deeper inside herself.

Best wishes and good luck with this excellent piece of work

Andrew W.
(Sanctuary's Loss)

I was already teetering on the brink of insanity by the end of the first chapter.

But I mean that in a good way :)

This is an interesting premise, the opening lines are great. I get a real sense of conviction from your MC.

Robb,
Whoa, I am hooked and I have only read through chapter two. I plan to read on, but I wanted to go ahead and shelve you first. Hannah is a prodigy it seems. She reminds me of a boy I met once, he unnerved me, he was about six and spoke to me as an adult. She has incredible insight while still maintaining the innocence of a child. This is really well written, I can't even complain about grammar or tempo, kudos to you. I am on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happens to her when the policeman and her mother arrive. I have knots in my stomach. Also, you're description of the surroundings bring the reader into the room with her, into her head. I wish to see you make the ED desk and to read the crit. I'll let you know when I've read more.

Cheers,
Nietsa

What an effortless read. The way you write and the ease with which you tell the story is magical. You and the reader are right inside the heads of the characters, it's believable, atmospheric, peppered with flashes of wit and with a plot I need to read to the end.
Whilst original, it's after the style of Torey Heydon, a great favourite of mine. You are right up there with her and this goes on my shelf with pleasure. Margaret.
Candles in the Garden &
The Spirit of the Butterfly.

This is a truly engaging story. Hannah is delightful. Although I've only read a partial, I'm hooked, plus I know that you're going to deal with some important issues.

Keep in mind that I'm biased in favour of stories where the author has something important to stay, but you're backed.

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

Hi Robb,

I loved the premise. It’s intriguing and will convince anyone to read the book.

Great opening; it pulled me in right away.

Mumma didn’t want to the devil hiding in the dust under the bed – beautiful line.

I loved the innocence in the narrative voice; it’s very authentic and I felt connected to Hannah and sympathised with her. She felt very real. The only thing was that I only felt a young Hannah in the dialogue but in the narrative itself it felt like an older voice, maybe a fifteen year old. Loved the humour; so sweet. Hannah’s mother reminds me of my mother when I was growing up; always concerned and the constant nagging to brush one’s teeth. This brought back some wonderful old memories.

Chap 2 is so moving. Poor Madison.

“Yes(,) sir.” You forgot the comma with direct address.

As the story develops, it seems Hannah is transforming from a somewhat innocent child to slightly malicious. This is interesting.

Wonderful vivid descriptions and great pacing. The characterisation and dialogue felt natural and believable. This is a compelling read and if I saw it in a bookstore I would buy it. Only read the first 5 chapters but am very intrigued. Sounds like some kind of devil has crawled into Hannah's soul.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I've only read two chapters already but it's good - I am intrigued by Hannah and you've got into the characters straight away - I'm going to have to read more later!

Robb,

You asked for some quick comments a while back.
Pitch: mostly works, but I feel it's a bit hollow in the middle, where we should be given some reason as to why she stops speaking. As it; it sounds intriguing, but doesn't *quite* fully make sense to me. If you tell use why (I've read the first three chapters, and I think she stops speaking because people refuse to believe her), you can use this as device to hang the rest of the pitch on. That backbone is missing, so that's why I said hollow in the middle.
Chapters: I know you can write. There are a number of really nice images. I loved the bickering between the kids at bible study. I loved how you showed the mother's OCD. Occasionally, I feel you slip a bit out of the POV of a young child and the observations are a tad too mature. 'The police had nothing on me' is one such example. It steps back from the child and views a situation as a whole, and I find that a tad uncovincing for a child's POV.
Do you need chapter 1? I'm asking this because based on chapter 1, I wouldn't be interested in reading this, but if you started with chapter 2, I would. The scenes in the chapter don't seem to follow one another in a logical way (or at least I'm having trouble figuring it out), and I'm not really sure what they are meant to signify. I'd start with chapter 2, because it has more coherence, more tension and feels more like a child's POV.

Dear Robb,
Brilliant opening, both micro and macro in its import.

Wonderful, H's theory on her inability to tell a lie. And then the callback at the end of Ch 1, her mouth being too clean. Fabulous!
Wonderful imagery; she can't have her Daddy's teeth, the Devil in his lungs, Mother's glasses bumping on the top of H's head.
Don't think you need "softly" in "flop softly" – the sweater gives us that.
You do love the devil and the glasses! (Used glasses twice in close proximity with Mom and Elizabeth. And then again with the principal -- just noting.)
Love the quick sketches of character description: Hannah smaller than the vacuum, Mrs. V's navy blue padded shoulder, Michael's sleeping problems.

A lingering concern: the 6-yr-old Hannah is so mature, so smart – can we believe that she's only six with thoughts so advanced? Though the spelling contest gives us a clue about her intelligence, it's one thing to spell Jehoshaphat, and another to understand the complex idea that being Hannah is "somebody" enough.

Loved Mrs. V's obvious sadistic tendencies toward her students.
"she so hoped everyone would notice" this sounds like teenspeak, which seems waaaay out of place for your beautiful prose. Also, the phrase, "perhaps he wanted to talk some SHIT with me" seems very, um, hip and/or street, for countrygirl Hannah.
Funny: H taking Mrs. V literally and having to wash under her fingernails. Now that makes her young.
Funny: that H feels she should be polite to Brother Ronnie.
Here's a nitpick: the word "bushy" is being used to describe both Mrs. V's eyebrows as well as Br. Ronnie's knuckles.
Momma's doing the dance to shake the devil off is just chilling.

Stunning what you're doing with the concept of religious fanaticism. It's sly and gentle – and extremely powerful.
As I've said to only one other writer on this site: I'm slack-jawed with wonder which frankly, does nothing for my looks. If I could, I'd shelve it twice.

The first thing we think of is to drive out the demons. DAmn. If I didnt actually know people like that I would be amused but I really hate those guys.
I really feel for Hanna, Ihad to confess I wondered if she hadnt pushed Maddie and just forgot. Like ehs did with the word shirt. and expression of anger.
Great book, heart wrenching.

Hey Robb,

It's very rare here that I come across something that makes me read on for several chapters.
I love Hannah's voice. You have so many little quirks in there that make her come alive. I love how she spells out words throughout the chapters. I loved the whole religion thing but it reminded me of 'Carrie'...not sure if you want that but I'll bet you'll get it a lot.

Couple of nits.

The line ‘maybe Maddie was already dead’ and then the follow up to the funeral went quick. I wanted to see more there. Although at the same time it really made me question later whether or not she had actually pushed the girl.

I’m kinda questioning why they’d bring in a policeman so quickly if they hadn’t managed to get hold of her mother first. I’m not sure that would actually happen in real life. I know you tried explaining it later but it still sounded wrong to me.

Mom said she never had to go back to the school but she’s there a few paragraphs later without explanation?

My Mom does that. Even as an adult she’ll ask me six or seven times if I’ve done something. It must be a parental thing.

I Do like the way you draw us in to share the young girl's thoughts. RJW

I'm still digesting what I read - it's so beautiful, provocative, compelling, unique, believable. What a gem. Great writing, I believe, is all in the details: the pancakes (as well as the "goddamn pancakes"), the teeth, the chalk on the blackboard, the fingers in the blood, the spelling bee prizes, the glasses hanging from Hannah's mother's neck. I am really impressed, as well as a bit envious, of this book. I know that if I read more, it will only get better and better. On my shelf.

Where's the rest?! I think I enjoyed this even more than 'Carry Me Away' but you haven't continued either! You have woven an excellent tapestry of characters here and I am impatient to see how the story unfolds. This is one of my favourite things I've read here... easily top three.

I don't see why this book has a red arrow, Robb. I've read two chapters. This is a complete story, so I have no edit suggestions. Why would I?

I'll put this on my shelf. Hopefully, my backing will start it moving upwards.

best
anne

Hi Robb, greetings from Chapel Hill! You're describing the North Carolina beside me, all around me, a few years ago, maybe still today... Have you read Sunday's Child? Not the US, but something very similar in the tone, mood, situation - but Anne's is semi-autobiographical - I'm impressed at how well you carry off this character and voice, I wonder what your inspiration was.

No structural or stylistic flaws for me, I just read the first couple of chapters straight through, getting uncomfortable remembering being 7 and 8 in school... Well written, thorough, evocative.

Only two things to pick at: one tiny: you have 'sewing' for 'sowing' at the end of ch 3.

The other, I don't know, but here it is: if someone hasn't spoken for 12 years, you might like to consider what state their voice will be in. Unless she has been humming, singing, talking to herself or something, her voice will be very, very strange.

I knew a yogi who took a vow of silence for 25 years. Apparently when he had completed his vow, it took him a year or so to regain near-normal speech. Initially it was so squeaky-scratchy and soft that what was audible was incomprehensible. He used to talk with babies and small children for practice. He's dead now, but it was Baba Hari Dass who was living in California. I guess the muscles atrophy, as though you were in a cast all that time. It might be more extreme for Hannah because of the changes that her body and voice should have been working through in those years. Or it might be mitigated by her youth, I don't know. Of course, I have no way of knowing if you'd address it later.

Forgive the rambling. Wonderful book! Backed, of course!

Robin

Oh, wow. You've written a great story here. You've set up the conflict in the first paragraph. And though from that point on, it's sort of back story, it's not, it's the story. It moves us forward and forward until we find out why Hannah stops talking. I had wondered how you would make it really believable as I started in on the first chapter, but it's actually more believable because of the small little insights we get into Hannah's personality and her mother's OCD behavior. In the middle of Hannah's explanation of why she doesn't feel the need to answer the same question over and over, you tell us exactly what we need to know about the mother. "It wasn't that the fear of hell my mother preached incessently...." Brilliant. You've told us about the mother without "telling us" about the mother. It's perfectly streamlined into Hannah's point of view.

Just a couple of super nit-picky things I noticed. Super trivial stuff, but.... So you know I'm really reading and not just sucking up.

Just after Michael is asked to wake up and before they go to the gym there should be a break. When she spells pants, pance, there are a few words missing. "I know you know how to spell.." I think it should read.

I would like to say more, but this comment thing won't let me navigate around it the way I want to. I'm puting you on my bookshelf right now and I'll keep reading, though heaven knows I need to be working on something else. But I need to take a break from my own seemingly pointless endeavors to publish. It's refreshing to read someone who's got a chance. Great work! I feel honored to be reading it.

This is spectacular. I've only read two chapters so far but I feel like this is a glimpse into the mother's insanity/mental illness. But told through the eyes of a child.

Holly

This is a fantastic story, I was hooked from the first paragraph. You can hear the child's voice so clearly, and her observations are truly the guiless observations of an eight year old. I love it. I'm shelving you! Keep up the good work! Straussy

Maybe because I have a Hannah, or maybe because I can so vividly see this one, from the opening (or second line) of her dialogue you captured me and made me feel her. Thank you

Ok, I really like this. It's not my usual thing by any means, but I found myself caught up by it. I really like Hannah, she has a real quality about her that is very appealing.

There were little things that I really liked, like Hannah imagining the other little girl - Elizabeth - as a demon or devil - was very clever.

I can't see anything at all wrong with the writing, it was very smooth and easy to read.

The only comment I would make is Hannah's voice. It may be intentional, but she sounds so very mature. I'd like to see a little bit more of the child in those early scenes.

On my shelf though.

Robb! Unbelievable. Alfred Hitchcock, The Bad Seed with much more intensity and twists. Each scene introduces new dilemma's. You masterfully derive sympathy for the protagonist in the first chapter, justify her rebellion in the second chapter and then allow us to question her sanity in the thrid. Brilliant. Shelved. Janet Marie

Superb. Great story and your writing gives Hannah a voice that resonates with every reader. Shelved.

Wowee! This a blinding good blurb if I say so myself!!! *adds to watchlist*

You already know I like this. I still have more to read but I love the internal monologues, thought processes and the characters. Hannah commands the reader's sympathy within minutes - her mother is truly scary; she could be so much worse but still, an easily annoyed mother does not a happy child make. I will be able to offer more useful and comprehensive feedback once I've finished reading this :) She had a spell on my shelf months and months ago but is back up there today, for advertising, if not for a vote that counts.

Robb,

In your blurb, you said “One word could put an end to the chaos.” So I chuckled when the first word I saw in Chapter 1 was “Pancakes.” No if that’s not a word to bring about world peace, then I don’t know what would! LOL!

Again, you offer us an endearing portrait of a troubled little girl, saddled with a loony-tunes for a mother (and an inherently evil teacher!). Her precociousness is just precious. It just boggles my mind the gift you have, as a man, capturing the heart and spirit of a little girl. So many shining moments here, like Hannah correcting the substitute teacher’s misspelling on her spelling test. I cracked up in several places, like the dialogue in chapter 3 where the kids debated what happened to Jonah in the whale. Hysterical! Blending humor with a sense of wistfulness and longing and innocence was superbly crafted.

Loved these phrases (out of numerous wonderful phrases!):

“quiet…wrapped around my shoulders like a quilt.”

“strained the air through her gills.”

“voice reminded me of a cheese grater as she scraped over her words.”

A heart-tugging evocative story that’s sure to capture the HC editors’ attention, hopefully soon! Your book is shelved.

Great stuff! I feel like I'm inside of Hannah's head. And you are able to pull off a non-linear story - going out of sequence so smoothly is not an easy task. Love the little references to the Bible / Jesus and the guilt that goes with it. Love the spelling test and Hannah's innocent ways. I love it - shelved. Now I just have to make space.

Robb,
You have done it again. Your writing is professional. You are a storyteller. You get it just right. I've mentioned to a few other people on the site that when I am reading their books, I feel like I am reading a published book, not a work in progress, or a work that is being promoted to be published.
Hannah's voice is excellent, in little ways and big.
On my shelf.

Hey Robb,
I've just read the first four chapters of your book. This is a beautiful story, I love hannah she's so sweet and intelligent, i love how she thinks. I also love the way she deal's with the loss of her father and friend, that they were sleeping with jesus and the angel's. I can't wait to read more.
Melissa xx

This is a real lesson in understated prose and voice. You handle a young child's voice so well, I am a little in awe. What is really striking here is how calm the writing is, while allowing us to see the cacophpny of madness building up around her. Show not tell: this is what they're talking about.

I would be very curious to see where you take this story. Do you plan to post more?

Robb

I love the language. There is not a word I would change. Great openner and good close to chapter 1. Well done!

I can't believe this is sliding in the rankings. That must change. You have my backing. Up on the shelf you go!

Whilst mine is a thriller from a female perspective, I suspect you can add value on that side. I look forward to your comments.

BW

ChrisX
I DARE YOU (4586)

The dialogue is so real. The theme is unusual and fascinating. It's on my WL.

Good luck, Joanna

Wow. Just, wow. I love Hannah, she's so much like me when I was little. Truthfully, I normally don't like stories with so much religious context, but this one has me absolutely hooked. It's a beautifully crafted story that doesn't try to preach your eyeballs out like so many I've had to endure. Well done.

What the heck just happened? I sat down to read the first couple of chapters, and before I know it, nine chapters and a short story have gone by! The few comments I have are -


Chapter One

Oh my god, she's breaking my heart! My youngest isn't much older (she's eight) and I just want to reach into my computer and grab Hannah and hold her tight.

Chapter Two

"If you won the spelling quiz, why would you need an eraser?" I can so hear my youngest saying this - you've done a terrific job of capturing the voice Hannah would use.

Chapter Three

"Did the Bible make a mistake?" I want to adopt this precocious child right this second!

Rest of the chapters - sorry, I was far too caught up in the story to make notes. You have an amazing gift for capturing not only Hannah's voice, but every other character's as well. I got pulled into this world, and it is with great reluctance that I find I've come to the end of what's here. And please, please, please don't tell Carrie, but at the moment - I think I love Hannah just a tiny smidge more...

See you on the Ed Desk again very soon!

~Traci

I really like this first chapter. Good clean and publishable I'd say. I'll shelve it and come back for some more later.