The Second Shadow

Hi,

I have read the prologue and the first chapter of your book. Below, I have noted some corrections you might want to consider. But in general, I want to say that you have a lot of great things going for this story. You voice is clear, and the story moves along at a swift pace. Your descriptions of the magical objects are very good; it's easy to visualize the orbs and the essence of magic and all that. Chapter one is stronger than the prologue. On one hand, the text is cleaner and more polished, and the ideas seem more coherent and are better expressed.

Most of the corrections listed come from the prologue:

'all that lie...' should probably be, 'all that lay below.'

'Their fists...' it's implied you're talking about people but I think you should name it. The previous sentence speaks in the general ('all that lay') and now you are moving to the specific (people). For the simplicity of the read, I would suggest clarifying that so your reader doesn't have to.

You might also consider capitalizing 'darkness' since you are referring to it an an entity. Just a suggestion. I have no idea if that's right, but it will help to distinguish it from 'regular' darkness.

'without encountering' might sound better as, 'without engaging'

'the darkness sees...' It seems like you jump into the present tense here. There are also some spelling errors: 'the eye of darkness see(s) and know(s) all things (delete 'of').

'crimson hair shined...' should be, 'shone'.

'their eyes shown of tire...' I'm not sure what you mean by this.

The other thing I wondered about, is who is the main character? The 'savior' seemed like it at first, but then I wondered if you were going to have a villain as your MC? If it's someone else, I wondered why they weren't introduced in the first chapter. Anyway, I haven't read on yet, and possibly that question will be answered in chapter 2, but I thought I'd raise the point anyway.

Over all, very nice job. Based on chapter one, I can see you have put a lot of work into it and I really hope it continues to move up in the ranks.

Dyane
The Purple Morrow
The Eagle's Gift

I read your synopsis and it looks like something I'd really like to read. I was wondering if you'd want to swap reads if you have any time. I understand if you are busy, just putting it out there.

Thanks,
Sara, War of the Wastelands

The Second Shadow.
by J. Nathan.

I've read your book in the past and like it very much.
It's better now with the many alterations. Although It was good then.
It's enough to tell me that you are a skillful writer, you write with excellent description and flow.
There are quite a few fantasy thrillers on the site, yours has a very good storyline with a lot of intrigue.
You seem to know your early history too, character names fit in well with the era, nicely done!!
Pleased to give 'The Second Shadow' a high star rating and will shelve again. On my W/L.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone..

Greetings!
I've read the first two chapters of this story so far, and I have to say, you have quite some talent writing. The only thing I think I want to comment on is that you don't get into deeper povs until later in each character's section -- this made it hard for me to really dig deep with the characters. You have a great use of vocabulary, so I think if you identify who is talking and get deeper with their points of view, this will turn good writing into really great writing.

I am going to back this book because it has such great potential. Good job with it.

Mr Nathan, you are a fine story-teller. I am in love with your 'Prologue'.
I would; however, make some small (but vital) changes. I can most easily tell you what I mean by showing you how I might re-write a paragraph of yours:
(From the beginning of Chaper 1) ' "Favour has chosen us at last," roared the stout, grey-haired man at the head of a long table. His worn face was stern, and yet sincere. The score of men within the dining hall sat in a sombre silence.' [I would leave off the final sentence here. For the lack of vigor in the men is implied by "a sombre silence" and needs little more explanation]
I do hope I have helped in some way. And again, I admire your story! (If at all possible; I would indeed love to receieve a copy of the full manuscript).

Sincerely,
Bradley Harris

You have an amazing skill. The way you show the reader instead of telling keeps me eager to read more.
There are a few little editing mistakes but nothing that deterred me from the story.

One of the best books I've read on this site so far. Can't wait to get the time to read more.

Seth

I don't know what to say. I am blown away. I know a good story when I read it. And your writing is impeccable. This definitely calls for a rearrangement to my bookshelf. It wasn't just the writing, which was beautiful, it was also the exceptional creativity. The blood-like tornado? Incredible mental images. What I way to start a massacre. This was awesome!

Rebecca
~Askival

Good story here! Few editing mistakes. I'm placing you on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

Written well and love how in the first Chapter all hope is instantly removed from your world. It's a wonderful change. I will read more later, but for now I have rated it and have it on my watchlist and will give you backing off and on!

I've read the first chapter, am watchlisting so I can come back to it tomorrow. There's some good imagery here, I can't wait til I can sit down and read more. 6 stars.

I've read the first chapter, am watchlisting so I can come back to it tomorrow. There's some good imagery here, I can't wait til I can sit down and read more. 6 stars.

I think this has a lot of potential and I'm watchlisting it to come back to it again in a while. Having read the first chapter an intriguing story is being set up and you've got a great sense of the more formal dialogue of this type of fantasy novel with arrogance and subservience in the same person done well. I've added some specific notes below but my main criticism would be that it's a bit over the top, especially in the places for the Anarchist Chronicle sections. I think starting your prologue with that - from personal preference - could put people off. I know that if I thought the whole book was like that I wouldn't pick it up.

'All that lie below' should that be lay below?
'The darkness knew its task...' I suggest using full stops instead of commas in that sentence which makes it a couple of short, sharp sentences instead of one that runs on. From a personal preference, that would give a greater intensity to it.
'now smelt of death...' I'd leave out now - it's an introduction to the scene not a follow on from where we knew it didn't smell of death. I'd also suggest maybe a more descriptive form - putrid / metallic or smelt of oval and blood mixed with sweat
'for no army retreated...' neither army or is it more than 2 armies?
'slumped down...' gives the impression of slow whereas the line before 'its quickly devoid' - confused me as a reader.
'Their eyes shown of tire...' It's an awkward sentence structure and it stopped me to reread it a few times.
How is a smile forced and warm?
'menacing grin that dripped with delight..' I'd leave it at menacing grin - most grins are delight or mischief.

All these comments come from personal preference of course but I hope you find some of it useful.

Imelda
A Jumble of Emotions

This looks my sort of thing. I have watchlisted it and will take a look.

Reading through the first chapter, I often felt a lot of the descriptors were unnecessarily forced. I.E. "his worn face stern yet sincere", "with a forced yet warm smile", "wore a menacing grin that dripped with delight". All good descriptors, but there were just SO many of them that they seemed to lose their strength.

This is beautifully overwritten =)

It's very nice, wonderfully realised, excellently characterized and with loads of smashing dialogue. Far too much smashing dialogue, but it's very good nonetheless. The speeches are excellent, but it's very important to come to the point quickly in the opening chapter of a novel.

Your ability to describe what is going on in the story in the "showing and not telling" style is enviable. I loved the first chapter, well done. At times I found the book to be a little wordy(Although, I am guilty of this myself), but in general it is well written. I am not an expert on grammar, so I won't comment on that either. I will definitely be back for more!

Best,

Ashley

Hello Sdpsc :},

I just read over your first chapter, and I like it. Besides being an epic adventure, it offers so much more in detailed symbolism. I thought it was interesting how the evil, black robed wizards had to combine their powers to defeat the good king. This to me represents that the dark magic has to struggle against and deceive the greater good to win, portraying a message of hope.

As for suggestions I couldn’t think of any at this late hour, but I’ll keep an eye out in the following chapters.

Kind regards,

David Joyce

Nathan,
Solid story. You've created a thorough world for your narrative, and you have an ear for dialogue. Plus, you have a good flare for peaking interest without having to data dump ('two drops should suffice'). My only initial peace of advice would be in the first chapter, after the Anarchist bit, you have a fairly long speech that while well written, slowed down the pace. I appreciate the need to communicate how badly the war is going, but since your focus is on Graffryd, maybe just start off from his point of view, and have him listening in on certain parts of the speech. Other than that I'll keep reading. Do good,
Miller~ Advent of Light. The Awakening

Interesting, straightforward clean, crisp writing. I do have a question you mention clocks at the beginning of the second chapter were clocks invented during this time? Starred and backed. Lisa

Examination of forces of evil can always be applied to our own sociopolitical landscape. Strap awaiting the scenes into a trilogy is itself a metaphor-analogy of the very production of the fiction which persists within the multimedia landscape itself. The dark Lords of power are the tantalising and very very exclusive domains of those who control the fiscal centres of this earth, the data stares perhaps and so the mythology of fantasy once again presents itself as a conduit for the underlying, frightening aspects of our own real world. Will the wizards achieve their kobold Dominion of power, or perhaps will this story with its imaginative prose and executed pace give us a nice intro into the world of heroes that will defeat the hegemony that it's pervasive. I am enticed by these boards the I mean the all awards of darkness which at the same time below and this is not a very nature of evil they should be benevolent in it superficial static? Excellent

Hi J,

Had a chance to check out the first couple chapters of your book. Great stuff.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm indifferent about the effectiveness of starting the story off immediately with a speech. I understand that you want to establish Graffyrd's role in this, as well as his traitorism, but in those first several paragraphs there's little to no hook. Speeches work well when there is context already established, but they don't work well in establishing context. I think you risk losing the reader early, which is unfortunate because the action in that first chapter is very, very good. Your description of the attacks is well done.

Anyway, just some early thoughts. Oh, and when the soldiers eat the lizard soup...you say they took their spoons and dug into lizard meat? Is the meat soupy, or am I missing something?

Also, I hate soliciting for reviews, but if you have the chance, I'd love to know your thoughts on my story-in-progress, providing you find the pitch interesting.

Anyway, good stuff. I'll try to read more later on when I get the opportunity.
Phil

Thx for back up my book again, hope u'll like my story, also when I see u more the kind of fantasy writer!
I looked into ur story, and my first thought of course (guess like almost everybody) another poor LotR copy, but I must say I'm totally positive suprised!
I'll read a bit more of it and will see where the (adventure) story brings me ;)
cu

I really enjoyed reding this and feel it is going along at a cracking pace. The character of Cymor is a fantastic invention of a magical creature and his 'voice' is well crafted. As a sidekick to Jothan, their relationship is well written and the dislike of sphere travelling is a neat way of ensuring the travelling stays restricted so that more adventures can be had that are unanticipated.
I have a couple of critiques:
Ch 5 - little edit - You now of the wizards orb - should be 'know'
Ch 6 - using 'government' - I think your story naturally embraces archaic language so maybe stick to royalty being the government and don't use this word
Archaic language versus modernisms - The King's dialogue suffers a little when he and the guards use "Okay" and "alright". You worked hard to establish an archaic linguistic flow and these little modernisms detract from it. Well done for the use of 'prairie" from 1180. Suits the time period.
Ch7 - on a conventions of fantasy level - I found calling Lord Arien a Lord, when she is a Lady slightly confusing.
Don't think it works though having read the final two chapters here I can see that you might have been trying to disguise her origins from the reader in Ch 1.
I'm going to say what I think about the final two chapters. I think you should bin them. At that point in the story, I was anticipating the visit to the fortune teller again back in the city, and perhaps an encounter with the Prince, in order to learn more about Cymor, Jothan and their backgrounds. The knowledge that Arien was present in chapter one felt like a back fill. Sort of like, "guess what I left out of Chapter 1?" This disrupted the flow. At first I was thoroughly confused that Cymor was captured after they had just escaped. Then the series of montage, out of sequence back filled flashbacks gave me information about Cymor that I had hoped to discover via the visit to the fortune teller, and I think Arien's background, rumours of her, could have been revealed this way, keeping the plot linear. Now I am left with no guidance as to where the story will go now, and inadequate explanation of what made Arien such a strong wizard (even though she is female).
Perhaps the mysterious helper who helped Jothan and Cymor escape via the hole in the castle wall could be written about instead, as a way of explaining Arien's background and presence that night?
It really was a shame as up to this point, the story is fantastic and flows with a cracking pace and style that made me feel like this is shaping up to be a great book. It still can be, perhaps just let the characters get on with the adventure, and start to let the audience know more of the secrets as they learn them. Don't backfill, because now we know more than Cymor and Jothan do about the past. And the secret to the success of this book seems to be the skilfull unveiling of the mystery of the past, and the accidental luck our hero's have defeating it in the present. ie The invisible forest dwellers - more of this type of thing!
Overall if I hadn't read the last two I would give this a top rating - publish now!

Wow! I don't normally read in this genre (I usually do the silver screen version, don't judge me ;) ). This is incredible--not to gush. By the end of the first chapter, my heart was pounding and you'd provided plenty of mysteries for the reader to solve and reason to care. It's on my bookshelf. I look forward to reading the rest. Thanks. Nick

Wow! I don't normally read in this genre (I usually do the silver screen version, don't judge me ;) ). This is incredible--not to gush. By the end of the first chapter, my heart was pounding and you'd provided plenty of mysteries for the reader to solve and reason to care. I look forward to reading the rest. Thanks. Nick

An excellently written story. With a historical setting - well done!
Your characters are well described and your dialogue was very good.
Couldn't see any obvios edits.
I enjoyed what I read. 5 stars
June tee (Four Corners)

Magic is a dominant element in stories. Your plot is good and you chose an interesting setting. I enjoyed what I read so far. brilliant writing skills and story telling. good luck. fully rated

daniela

I can really see this story being made into a movie. I rate it highly.

David

J,
I checked out your book today and I found it intriguing, so I backed it. If you could take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing, your help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you,

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

Good to see you haven't used your cherry picking! Respect.

Seems like just the sort of story I like, the first chapter has a great hook with just the right amount of dialogue. Backed. Good luck, M from The Cripple and the Staff.

great great read, i just dipped in, and found it difficult to drag myself from it, very warm feel to it, great use of language . . 5 stars!
Daisy

Definately a thriller . I plan on returning.
Always J

Great imagination comes across in the writing. This story is intriguing with many elements. That said, I agree with some of the other comments about paragraphs being awkward and difficult to follow. You have a great voice that you've developed in a lot of the dialog and descriptions, but sometimes it seems to change. The word use and syntax is not always consistent.

You've made your imagination come to life!

Mark
'From the Edge, Rising'

This is really good J.

I hope you don't mind, but I wish to tell you somethng about your work, because overall, I really liked it.

I found that in some paragraphs, there were some slightly awkwardly worded sentences that were distracting. Besides these awkard sentences, the flow and the story and the pacing, also the description and the dislog are done very well. So, I wanted to highlight to you what is just my opinion.

As an example, I realise that the very first bit is a quote from a book that sounds awesome, (ha, the anarchist chronicles, that's wonderful). But if you changed that quote to be something similar to the following, then it would flow better:
I saw it rush by, as though loosed from a hunter's bow. It came close, sent by it's Maker, the one who kept me alive and aware. I knew I needed it. I could not let it pass, so I reached, flinging power from my fingers. I captured the xxxxx and it became mine. The sin of the Dissenter will mean doom for the fate of men.

Or somethng similiar. You should really name what "IT" was too, I believe.

I really liked the ring, and all through the middle of the first chapter is really good.

As another example, further down, you could have,
The man sat in the chair of sleek black marble, in the dim light. Under his blood red robe, a twisted smile graced his wrinkled face. (or wizened face?) In his hand was a small black rock, cicled by a thin green line. He gritted his teeth, glaring at the rock.
(See how that "shows" us that he hates the rock, without us "telling" that to the reader?)

I hope my comments have helped. I have rated your work highly, because it is an interesting tale - I love fantasy books filled with magic!! Best wishes for your success. Monicque.

Well written and love Gyrffford character. He's a fascinating villain. Enjoyed the fantasy/supernatural elements. Highly recommend.
Dina of The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

I haven't (unfortuantely) had any time to read more of your book, which is a shame because what I have read I've really enjoyed. So I shall rate you six stars now and come back to read more later.

Luciana
Burning Angel

Great scene setting. Power "voice", especially in the dialogue. Some of the descriptions are a little off-putting -- "their eyes shone of tire" conveyed your meaning, but it was unwieldy. I understand why you did it, but I don't think it works. There are a few others like that. I find when I'm writing dialect, it's best to easy up slightly in the narrative. Often I find what doesn't work by reading it aloud.

One thing that glared for me was the first paragraph of Chapter 2 being entirely in passive voice. I find passive voice to be a nice break from subject verb object, which gets a little boring if used too much, but you should never lead with it, especially in a book that features action, as yours does. I'd consider rewriting the paragraph to give the chapter a more lively start.

This had an awful lot of good stuff packed into the first chapter; court intrigue, plotting, double-crossing and, finally, violence. The idea of having dragon for tea was another zinger! And the dialogue rang true - a more difficult prospect than it sounds for this kind of book.

P

Hi,

I think this is a stinmulating and exciting venture into Fantasy, with all the ingredients of a traditional style of story in this genre. I have however made some comments, which are totally subjective you understand, and can be treated like piss in the wind, if you will.
Their eyes shown of tire - does that make sense ?
'The King replaced his crown', sounds better I think than ' the King said, replacing the crown upon his head'
' Conference' - sounds like a meeting of accountants.
'Cruel grin', and then later, ' menacing grin'. This man has a repertoire of grins.
' Somewhat wrinkled face'. 'Wrinkled face' sounds better.
His eyes were infused........this is a complex infusion, to be illustrated in the eyes. Perhaps toned down a little?
'Dressed in black and wearing a dull red robe' - is he dressed in black or red ?

I enjoyed this read.A bit more editing, tighter narrative, but it will do well, I'm sure

Hi,

I have backed this story sometime in the distant past but will do so again under the new system.

Ron

One major tell of good fantasy is the manner in which each character is both named and then portrayed. In "The Second Shadow" Nathan has provided excellence in both areas. A great plus are the characterizations such as Lord Hamrin's stormy voice. . .great descriptor, indeed!

Earning a place on my shelf and the well-deserved stars, I am looking forward to The Second Shadow appearing in bookstores!

Justis Call
Snow Bound
Prestidigitations

Quite an enjoyable read. I was particularly taken with the character Cymor, and his difficulties coming to term with his existence as a former assassin. Sort of an inverse Glyche situation (obscure reference, pay it no mind). The idea of an invisible race raises interesting questions as well.

I would very much be interested in reading more; send a friend request, if you're still willing. Either way, your work deserves my backing.

Nathan.
Thanks for backing my book! I thought I'd check out your book in return and I am really impressed.
It's exciting and fast paced with just enough description to feel like I'm there without getting caught up in the details! Also, the fact that you didn't feel the need to fill your masterpiece with vulgar dialogue, was refreshing. I like how you started each chapter with a quote--reminds me of one of my favorite authors. I am confident in your skills as a writer and will certainly be backing your book. I am excited to read this to the end. Again, thanks for backing my book. I'm a newbie at this so if you have any pointers or suggestions I'm all ears!

-Dahlia

J Nathan,

I backed your book today. If you can back either of my two novels DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, I would be very happy. Thank you! Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi,
This is very well written. Vivid descriptions and high action. Just the elements needed for a great fantasy novel. It shows that you have polished this, I wasn't jarred out of the story by any of the writing.
I'm sure many fantasy enthusiasts will lap this up.
Well done,
Starred and watchlished,
Cheers Jacoba

Ooh six stars. This is right up my alley. Great visuals. Already hooked. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Wonderful world building. Chapter One has me intrigued. It takes me a while to warm up to fantasy as LOTR tortured me. But this could be a good one. I'll keep reading.

One thing I do love is internal struggles of my hero. It makes them root for them. So I'm hoping this comes up.

Cracking stuff - a good rolicking read. Six stars.

Best wishes,
Kenny Hill

hey, can't wait to read your book---love the synopsis.