Crescent Heart

I read all the chapters you have posted here. They were quick and easy to read. I have some notes I'd like to share with you to improve your work - please feel free to ignore them if you are happy with your writing as it is.

1. Ash, Johna, and Amalia. I'd like there to be more of a love triangle here. At the moment I sense everything is fine between the 3 - Johna knows Amalia is Ash's true love and is willing to marry him anyway. Find some way to up the tension between the three. Put limits on their powers somehow. The story flows smoothly and doesn't leave room for me to be anxious about the outcome.

2. Prelude. You start with a prelude and thus the next 5 chapters are a kind of review of something that's already happened. Why not ditch the prelude and then introduce Ash as reminiscing later? I feel the prelude doesn't add enough to the tension or romance of your work to warrant being included.

3. I'd like their powers to be revealed gradually as little surprises that keep intriguing me. At the moment I feel you are imparting information to me without advancing the plot of your work. Find ways to show the reader their powers in action and let us discover gradually how powerful they are. I think this will heighten the interest and tighten the story, adding more layers of complexity and intrigue. I'd like to be uncertain of how things are going to turn out from the beginning - this will make me sympathise more with Ash and his curse of immortality.

Q

PS As I said before - these are just some general notes - only my opinion as a reader and writer - and I wish you well with your work here on authonomy and of course out there... all the best!

This is a great tale, and I enjoyed reading it immensely. I love a good supernatural mystery, and this one ticks all the right boxes. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

An unusual premise, that could develop into an interesting story. However, I found myself skimming as I read on, distracted by some awkward phrasing. That's probably fixable in revision, for the most part. While the formal language is generally appropriate for the characters, it slides perhaps too often into stiffness or stiltedness. If you haven't been reading aloud already, you might want to read the dialogue out loud, perhaps with a partner, and revise where you stumble or where it sounds unnatural. Just my opinion, of course, but I had the impression you were trying a little too hard to sound impressive or old-fashioned, for instance using 'questioned' (which means to doubt) where 'asked' would be more accurate and less distracting.

Hi,

I lived in Salem as a child and have recently started a Middle Reader introducing Salem in the time of the witch trails. I borrowed the Corey's. Here, I see you use Tituba. If I recall in my research, she had actually gotten caught up in the hysteria of the time.
Nicely done here. I only have time for the first chapter, but I enjoyed the read.

Suz

You have created an enchanting world and I found myself reading past where I'd intended to. I like the idea of the spell which brings your true love back and i'm intrigued to know if it's Amalia or Johna? The prologue is also works well. I think your dialogue doesn't always sounds like it belongs to the era, like 'No problem' is a bit more modern sounding?

Leila
Life Is Not A Love Song

An interesting take on reincarnation and witchcraft

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Hi there - intriguing start, and the Salem Witch trials give us a great opportunity to explore lots of topics relevant to today's society: fear and suspicion of outsiders, women's rights, all manner of things. The ending to your prologue is a real kicker. Excellent stuff.

P

HI NJ,

I finally got a chance to read what you have posted. I wish I could say more on how much I loved this, but since I'm strapped for time, I'm just going to say that I have no objection to backing your work. Nicely done.

Tracy

If it were possible for me to back this book TWICE, I would DO IT! Love the story line, love your writing style and love your wordings ("Beloved") -- I use the same term in "Embraced". Maybe you would enjoy reading a bit of it if you have the time! Great work and I look forward to reading more in the future:) Kat

Ash, the spirit-man surely loves Johna, and the love will probably go on forever if it is true. His enforced love affair with Amalia in the witches world is another thing . I have read two chapters of this book and I feel hooked and want to read the whole book if only to find our how the love dichotomy will play out. A very fascinating story.

Backed with pleasure.

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)

Fondness for human girls have made it a little more difficult for me as well. Those human girls can be such a pain, but it can't be helped when "she was one of the most gorgeous creatures on earth. The premise of your book is intriguing. I'll read more when I get a little more time. Backed for now.

Great premise! And such a skillful writing.
NJ - you are a great storyteller, and i complement you on your book from the bottom of my heart.

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Hi NJ - firstly, thank you for backing LONDON.
Secondly, enjoying your own work, and backing. :-)

blessings,
Jim

I love the premise of this story. It's one to curl up by the fireplace in the wintertime with...OK I believe I will!!! Good luck I think this one will go far. I'd love a copy by next winter : )
BD Nelson, (Scorned)
author of Abigail's Cries & The Autobiography: An Eternal Rite of Passage.

NJ, this is terrific! I love the opening & any mention of the Salem witch trials has me intrigued. Your writing is effective--it put me inside your character's head. And the idea of living "forever" is cool--to see so much history through the eyes of one character. Backed with pleasure and looking forward to reading more.

Cheers,
Donna (Darklands)

Crescent Heart
NJ
Very nice plot. Original, very well written. I like the mysticism alot.
Good Luck!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

You have an interesting world and you evoke it well in places. I thought 'roast pig' was particularly effective.
I liked your use of dialogue to make the scene come alive, though I would have liked some pointers in between as to who was talking and maybe a little of their body language.
Keep up the good work!
M

I really like the way Ash ages very slowly, can’t say I’ve come across that idea before in a book. You have some strong MC’s in a very original plot.
Well done!
Sam (Fallacy)

Great plot idea. Writing is good too, though I think in places it could be a bit engaging - kind of loose interest, especially as Ash whines about his fate. Also, I think a change of words like 'bellowed' and 'yelled', as I do not think they would really suit the actions of one in this time.
Great idea though, and a lovely romance - I was hooked from the pitch! Prelude is great, really draws the attention, though I was positive it was a woman speaking!
Great work, good luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

ps However, I want to say that whereas 1 was good, competently written, 2 had me really hooked and I was totally in the scene. Admired as well as backed. Hope this double comment helps you. x
Rosalind
Good for Him

Well done, backed. Sorry time today prevents a proper review. Lara, Good For Him

Love, twist, fate- all timeless themes. Good dynamics between characters, dialogue. Beware of: long sentences (35 words), ing words (makes passive sentences), ly words, the use of it, that, repetitive (plan used 2x in same paragraph), word choice (eyes darted, really eyes can do that?), he ended, pointing - he pointed.

Better use of white space. Separate narrative from speech. Less narrative, gestures during speech unless clearly defined and necessary.

Thank you, Dawn
Blood War -vampires aren't just for teenagers

Hi N J,

An age-old premise with a new and interesting twist.

I like it, but there are quite a few errors.

In your prelude, the gender of the narrator isn't clear. Even when the name is eventually given at the end the reader can't be sure as Ash is a genderless name. It's always difficult in first person, but you need to find a way to show the character's name and gender earlier on. I know it's in your pitch but that won't be part of the book.

In the first paragraph yo have a 'the' missing out of 'from the slope'.

Later, you have a 'and' missing after 'judge and jury'.

In the paragraph starting 'My great grandfather' it ends with 'gave birth to my mother'. That would make him his grandfather - not his great grandfather.

In chapter one, you have a thorough, which should be through, a motion which should be motioned and you have a paragraph starting 'the young woman. The paragraph before this introduces three women of which none are referred to as 'young'.

Also, how was she able to distinguish Ash from his brother before any introductions were made?

All these things are easily modified and I think with work the book will do well so I will shelf it on that basis.

Ron

Very compelling, pulled me right in. "the only one who was guilty" is a great hook. Good luck!

Wei (Kunlun)

vivid and imaginative- two adjectives immediately came to my mind when I read a part of the story. Best of luck, backed - Siddharth Bajpai
"Sunshine Days"

To string the historical facts covering four to five hundred years into a couple of generations is a good way to write a historical facts. Readers tire easilly and creating three charcters to tell the entire tale will help them. I know that you'll defend writing in the first person, But from a readers perspective, unless the whole five hundred years is covered by one-which it is not in this story- there shall be a shift in the POV. Readers struggle with that,
Good luck,

I really like the span of time in this story and the history mentioned. It really keeps my attention. I like Amalia a lot. She's got a mysterious air about her. Backed.

Hi there! There's definitely a big fantasy genre here so this book will do well... The only beef I have is that spell check doesn't compare to real editing. In you 'about me' page, which I realize isn't part of the book, there are some misused words: sense for since, aloud for allowed. But you have imagination in spades and I can see this being really popular. In fact, it already is! Good job and keep uploading chapters!
M.V. Munoz
Pride, Prejudice and Cheese Grits

Good story. Your descriptions are beautiful and the plot interesting. Loved the beginning.

Not really my genre but judging by how many fantasy novels there are on authonomy it's obviously very popular and I should think that Crescent Heart, by the way it is climbing, is going to find success. I like the title a lot and the pitch is intriguing.
Chap5 para3 - emerged! Leapt off the page - don't think it works, at least not without some description.

No comment.
BK

Oh my goodness, hanging is one of those things that makes me feel ill and my skin crawl - a great way to start, then! Immediately draws you in. I think the prelude works really well. It's nice and short, lets you know what kind of book you're dealing with, and adds something a little more unusual and original at the end to make you want to begin the book in ernest. Good stuff!

CRESCENT Heart: Ooohh, I like this! You have set the intrigue and the scene well! Ash is debonair, Johna is intriguing, but so far I really like Amalia. There seems to be a lot more to her than first thought. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Hello, I have backed your book.

Thanks!

Original story. Compelling and vivid. One thing - I would make the pitch a little more delicious by not mentioning too much about the main plot. Cut it down so that it is easy to read and feel. Other than this the story itself is praise worthy. After a little edit this is going to be a real winner. Backed with pleasure.
- Milan
(Flicker)

Hi NJ,
You have a wonderful story here, but in parts it is not an easy read. I hope you don't mind some constructive criticism?
There are words which have been left out of sentences - and yes, I can work out what they should be but it breaks the flow of the story.
It seems strange that Ash doesn't already know about the Book and his destiny - after all he's had 19 years of living with the birthmark; surely he would have asked/someone would have told him? Especially since his betrothal to Amalia is pivotal to him fulfilling his warlock status.
Sometimes it really helps me to read my work aloud, or bounce it off a friend.
I will watchlist this and check back on it in a few days.
All the best.
Marion Phoenix

I will most certainly read more and will watchlist your book.

Dearest NJ,

This book is wonderfully written and you bring the reader in almost immediately. The premise is interesting and I truly enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for the wonderful book,

K.D. Burton

The Crown of Bellalyse

Dear NJ,

I have finished all that you have up. I like the wrong-word-in -the-spell gimmick which you bring up in the long pitch. I wish, however, that you were into that part of the story by the end of Chapter 6. It seems to take a long time to get to the main idea of the story.

Granted, you have to create the setting, which changes frequently, and you have to set up the characters and where they are at this point in the plot. But you are using a great many words to do this, and the general effect is to slow things down.

Sometimes things get a bit confusing. For example, when everyone goes to the dock to meet the new members of the family. It isn't clear which woman you are talking about when you say, "The young woman looked up . . ." You have mentioned several women, but haven't used a few words to differentiate them. And then is the blonde man Lilith? Not clear.

Some poor word choices are used as in Chapter 2. "She started to suppurate as I freed her from my grip." I believe you were trying to say that she started to cry; but "suppurate" means oozing or exuding pus. Not something you want to say in a love scene.

In Chapter 3 you say "Later, Amalia and I toddled to her room . . ." "toddled" doesn't fit the situation here; it's either too childish or too drunken.

Chapter 4 Do you "board" a horse as in "get on the horse"? Boarding a horse involves paying for its food and shelter. You board a train, plane or bus and maybe a carriage. You "mount" a horse.

Chapter 5 After the wedding, in the garden: "Then the music started and everyone emerged dancing." The word "emerged" means to come out of. Where were the dancers "coming out of" to "emerge"? I thought they were already in the garden.

Small amount of guests should be a "small number of guests".

These are only a few of the words I saw that need to be revised. Find a friend who is skilled in English and ask for some help editing this.

The idea is great, but you are dragging the time-frame and that makes for bored readers who say, "When is this going to happen? or "When is that going to happen?" Good grief! It's been a year of marriage and the union has not yet been consummated!

I can see possibilities for this book if you get yourself some editing help.

Ancient Reader

I enjoyed the idea of a man discovering mysteries about his family and his destiny. I think it's wonderful. And you can't go wrong mentioning Roanoke, VA. (I'm not very far from there!)

I like adventure and some fantasy because the possibilities with these genres are almost unlimited. What an awesome movie this would make!

Susan

You write an intriguing story. The power that oginiated in Tituba and passed on to Ash elevates your fantasy romance a level of intense emotion normally impossible to achieve when writing about mere ordinary mortals. The easy narrative keeps the story flowing well. There could be more hooks and less telling. There is a danger of overwriting. But your dialogue and charactarisation is excellent and believable and I like your style of writing. There is a huge market out there for this genre and I wish you the very best of luck with your charming book. Backed.
Laurence
The Cross of Goa

Happy to back you.

My only nits have to do with your pitches. I think your short pitch would have more impact and hook your prospective readers if it were tweaked as follows:

Betrothed to one woman and committed to another, Mr. Ash Brookston discovers he possesses a great power all in one day.

Your full pitch needs to be split into 2 or 3 paragraphs and summarize the plot, the plot, and the plot. Anything that doesn’t move the plot along should be deep-sixed. I'd also eliminate all of the quotation marks in the full pitch and avoid repeating what you've already told readers in your short pitch.

Rodney

You have a good story going here, compelling. Tighten up the wording, eliminate some duplication and away you go! Backed.

Hi NJ,

You have a very friendly and inviting prose, it speaks from a story teller's mindset. Ash has hard choices to make in his dilemma. Both Amalia and Johna seem to be good marriage material, but of course he has his heart set on Johna. The spell which he will speak is suppose to make everything right for him, but of course how can things ever be set right when he plays one girl's love for him versus another? It's complicated - but beautifully told.

Shelved.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

Finally, a piece of historical fiction about the Salem Witch Trials that doesn't waste time weeping for all the innocent "witches." I love the line about the MC's ancestor being the only one on the gallows who was, in fact, guilty. A great set-up backed with excellent writing. Nice work, good luck.

D.E. LaRiviere (AKA Milo Saint) Six of One

wow love it, its so easy to get in to but not so easy to stop reading, its well written and enjoyable, backed with pleasure

alison ( who wants to diet anyway? and legal lies)

This is an unusually fascinating premise. I enjoyed your unique ideas such as note paper that returns itself to the sender for a reply! This is backed with pleasure. MDEyler

You have skillfully captured the mysteries of the supernatural, the magic of civility and the enchantment and anguish of love,. Very well done. Backed.

Miles A. Robinson
Song for My Father/Loud Lucy Ludlow

A great start to a tale of the young (or not so young!) Ash, as he discovers his destiny. Like the opening chapter with its reference to the Salem witch trials - backed and good luck... Donna x

This is very promising and has an intriguing plot. I'm sure that it will polish up really well and benefit from some fuller narrative.

Best of luck and shelved.

Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

NJ,

I found myself lost in this book. The complete beauty of it is tangible. Backed.

Gabe