A Child From Afar

A Child from Afar
Hi Nicole, Sorry to be so long getting back to you – I’ve been busy doing re-writing some of the chapters on Hens. You have the makings of a lovely fantasy here, which will definitely appeal to your target audience. Intriguing plot and mixed with some quirky humour and Alan is a great character. Well done.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Hello, I am writing to you as someone who has been kind enough to support the Firelord’s Crown in the recent past. Now I need your help once more. I have been on site for nearly 2 years and worked my way up through reading and commenting on books. I have always been uncomfortable with ‘spamming’ and tit-for-tat backings but I do feel able to ask if you could please support Firelord by shelving it for a while over the next month. Under the new system I cannot offer you anything but an immediate * star rating and the promise of whatever support you feel you need; a second reading or comment etc. if you do not feel able to put Firelord back on your shelf, please could you still *rate it for me?
Many, many thanks!
Regards,
Jim Darcy
The Firelord’s Crown

You sent me to ch 13-14. Reads well. Dialogue is smooth: built the characters, propelled the plot. Images and setting were interesting and the world itself begged to be explored. My daughter went back to the beginning and is reading it now. A good sign.

I'll say more in your messages.

Nicole,
Alan's adventures in A Child From Afar are sure to delight your young readers. Backed with pleasure.

You've imagined a magical plot but the readability of the book is in the very real character of Alan. this should do well. Backed. Lynn

Dear Nicole, I love the intrigue of what will happen to Alan next. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

What a beautifully written fantasy this is. Full of imaginative ideas and in Alan you just have such a wonderful MC that you can't fail to be charmed. I notice a previous reviewer mention a certain Mr Potter. I can't see this. Sure, when dealing with magical worlds there are bound to be comparisons but this has an originality all of its own. Excellent work for a target audience I myself am trying to attract.
Carl
The Time Hunters

I loved this, but here's a trick I learnt early on from authonomy. If you take out your protagonist's name and use 'he' - we become closer to his point of view. "He was mesmerized by what could possibly be in the trunk".
Also try and keep it in either the present or the past. Past tense is commonly used - so you would have alot of verbs ending in -ed and was's. "Alan was home alone. His favourite hobby was exploring his house... Alan usually explored the attic, but today was special..."
If you need any hints/tips etc about authonomy etc then I would be glad to help.
I think this is a wonderfully story and all kids will be sure to lap this up when you have polished it a bit more.

Given all the Harry Potter enthusiasts left without their magic fix, I think this book would fill the gap for them. There certainly is a readership out there for this well written, convoluted plotted book.
Best of luck getting a speedy trip to success and a nice seat on the money wagon.
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

Your first sentence seems to have a minor typo, do you mean ' for those who do not know'? Otherwise this reads well and you have an engaging MC in Alan, who younger readers will quickly relate to. Builds up well, has plenty of mystery so should find favour with your target audience. Good luck with this. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

This is a good book Nicole, well written and you have put it together very well.
It holds the reader to it with excellent description throughout - well done.
Keep going with your writing as you have a gift.
SHELVED.

Thank you for backing my book "The Secrets Of The Forest".

Regards,

Neville.

Besides the good detailed edit you need - What a wonderful story! I love the more magical aspect to this than others I have read who concentrate on the 'dark side'. You have massive competition here though, I'm sure it would do well, even against that famous wizard we all know...er what was his name again?...Oh yes Harry Potter!

This site is not just about getting published, it's a community of writers who can help each other. Keep going!

BACKED FOR POTENTIAL!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

It's a good start, keep the faith. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one.

Watch out for the italics, underline, bold thing. It's often not necessary. Your write dialogue well as far as content is concerned. Definitely a lot of humor in this story. I loved the sleep for 30 minutes scene. The prose needs some work but the bantar was well done overall.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Nicole I have to agree with Camille's comments, you simply cannot present a book with errors in spelling and grammar and ounctuation. Also at what readership you are aiming this story? I will have another look if you do a few necessary alterations/corrections. Just let me know when it is ready. Best wishes and don't lose heart whatever you do. Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

Hmmm work on your pitch and when you do I'll come back and take a look. You start almost every sentence with "He" or "His" I don't think this is at all effective. There are also spelling errors. If you don't have a good strong pitch no one will want to read your book. When it's changed and updated let me know and I'll be happy to take a look at your book. (: Good luck.
CamilleClasse
Life (As Told By Camille)

Stick with it.
Backed.
a zoomer.

impressive that you've written so much. to be honest, i don't think your writing is quite ready to be published, which is what this site is about. But you have a fine imagination and i would encourage you to keep writing, and keep reading. writing well is a craft and takes time to learn - but there's nothing like practice and you will see your writing improve. Always a good idea - look at your favourite novels and see how they write descriptions or dialogue. You've got the basics down well.

But definitely keep writing.

Some good advice below. But, I think you did an excellent job. YOu have a gift, and you use it very well. I have a ten year old daughter and she thinks you are great. When you write, you learn to edit, edit, edit, etc. Take advice, and become a power listener. Backed because my daughter and I think you are great.

Take a look at my novel, and read a chapter or two, and if you like it, back it.

Best,
Robert and Mikayla(who is mentioned in my acknowledgement with love)
Golden Conspiracy

Nicole - so I think it's great that you have written a book. I wish I had written one when i was your age. I tried but never got serious until i was in my twenties.

Now with your book, there is a way to improve this to make it a killer story. Take a look at your story sometime and I think you'll notice that a lot of the sentences are the same length. In any story there should be variation.

So for example take a look at this paragraph:

"Finally it was noon and his father came home and they went out to get a pie. His mother doesn’t like sweets so they got an apple crumble pie with pink icing. When Alan got home he put the pink icing on to say, “'Congrats on your new job.'"

You could change that paragraph to say something like, “At noon his father picked him up to grab an apple crumble pie which he knew his mom would love. At the house Alan used the pink icing and painstakingly wrote in his large lettering, “Congrats on your new job.”

Best of luck to you and keep it up.

And remember, change up your sentences because the pace flowing and the reader interested.

Solrac "That It Was"

Hi Nicole, The outset with the present tense drew me in and with Alan’s finding the attic chest. The explanations about demons seemed a little premature in the story so I was relieved to get back into the action in Chapter 2. With the challenge to Alex about his family and the dialogue there. The writing has good pace and the premise is enticing. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Interesting premise for a story. Lisa

I'm shelving this in anticipation that this book will continue to rise in the rankings and that you will make use of your editing opportunities here. Some have already noticed grammatical issues. One very helpful online resource for these is Purdue University's Online Writing Lab, or OWL, found at http://owl.english.purdue.edu/ (just paste into your browser). It covers most of the issues, from mechanics to teaching English as a second language. One item to look at immediately is whether you want to tell the story in present tense or past tense. You appear undecided on this matter.

You have an appealing MC and a promising plot; the problems are mainly in the details.

Bill

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This book has a terrific premise and wonderful potential. Stick with it! I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Hello – I like to comment as if I was reading your book in a shop or library, just making notes as I go along. I hope this is Ok for you, it works for me and it is fun

Lost Treasures

Hello, I saw this on the Pitch Me page, your title interested me and your pitches drew me in.

My very first thought is that you have listed this as Young Adult but certainly the first few paragrpahs read a bit on the young side. The tone and vocabulary seem more suited to children. I will read on and see how we go.

I have noticed one or two grammatical glitches but I see that this is newly posted and so assume that you are still editing and will pick these up as you go along. I think that your dialogue is a bit wooden “What if she does not have the job” I would have thought that a youngster would be more likely to say “What if she doesn’t get the job” or maybe “What if it doesn’t work out.” I have found that it really does help to read out the conversations aloud, I know this means that your family think you’ve lost your marbles but you’re a writer your supposed to be a bit nutty – right?

OK. I think that you have quite a bit of work to do here, the grammar needs a good old looking at and you need to loosen up the dialogue and the prose generally. I think that it is great you have got this far and this site is a wonderful place to get free help with your work. I do wish you the best of luck with this and maybe later on I’ll pop back and see how you’re getting along with it. When you think that it is in a more ready state I would be very happy to have a look with a view to backing. – Cheers – Diane

This has the makings of a great book, Nicole, and you show a lot of potential as a writer.
When I was 10, I began writing a book that I'm still writing (on and off) now! And I'm 21! Your writing will grow and improve over time as long as you keep practicing. Remember to never give up on your dreams!
Good luck for the future! I have backed your book and hope you will be encouraged to continue.

For someone so young this is a great read, needs a little editing but then who's doesn't, I'm still doing mine daily. You have a great imagination that much is obvious.

The only advice I can give is look at other books in your genre and see what tips you can pick up from them, Jane Alexander's Walker is a fabulous example and it made it all the way to the Ed's desk.

Very best of luck with it.

Melxx

Nicole - you have a real talent for writing and a wonderful imagination! I wish I had written this when I was just a kid!!! Well done and BACKED with pleasure! I have no doubt you will be published some day soon!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I see that you are on many shelves but no one has bothered to comment you, so that honor will be mine, being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator