Bokassa's Last Apostle

I've read 14 chapters, and find the whole thing entirely original – unique characters caught up in a meticulously detailed plot. You take the reader inside a circle of friends that's charged with layers of fluctuating dynamics, each new person changing the formula (can Everton trust too-good-to-be-true Abdi?) Kash, Edouard and Ricci each have their own histories as well – you've packed the story with fascinating backstory, which makes it that much more complete. Also, you've handled the sex scenes well (eg: Everton and Abdi in the shower); not an easy feat, but your restraint pays. In the early chapters, you tend to describe things (emotions) rather than letting the characters show them through their actions, but as the story gains steam, so does your writing. I'm a bit distracted by a painful back right now, so had to put the story down for awhile, but hope to finish it soon – a great read, and gladly backed.

Thank you for this, Herder. Forgive me for copying your message into a comment, but this absolutely made my day when I got it and I wanted to cherry pick it.

I love it!!! Our hero is on his back, naked, near a bend in a road. "Christ, I'm screwed. And not the way I wanted, either. That's a fanstastic line...This is a great story, told well....Backed, with pleasure.

One of the most interesting and capturing opening on this site, hands down. And the character's voices were fantastic! This is excellent.
xBeccaX
Death before the Cherry Blossoms

I read an earlier version of this some months ago, on YouWriteon, and I'm amazed and extremely impressed at how radically you've improved it. You've cut your opening scene, so that now it really grips us and pulls us in. The Hampstead Heath bit is far less obtrusive, and gives us just enough to be really interesting and to bring in Everton's future friends and helpers, Kash and, particularly, Edouard, in an light, amusing bit of conversation. You move on quickly to the focus of your main plot, the diamond ring and money left by Everton's father, and Everton's plan to find it by becoming 'Bokassa's Last Apostle.' Your humour is more obvious. Everton leaping down the alley, the woman looking out of the window and screaming and Everton covering himself with his hands - this is very funny. You have a book now which ought to appeal much more to the mainstream public. You have an intriguing plot, well written, and some great and attractive characters.
I would make one suggestion, which is that you don't introduce Everton's appearance to Kash and Edouard in a minor clause. Take a new sentence. Instead of 'He stopped in mid-sentence as a naked mixed-race man came running down the path...' make it, 'He stopped in mid-sentence.' New para. 'A naked mixed-race man etc.' The impact is just that bit greater. Only a suggestion, ignore it by all means. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Sometimes I write as I read so please bear with me if I mention something that is answered two sentences later.

C1

Good start. I immediately want to know who the person looking in the box is.

It makes me want to read on, and I do

Great intro to Everton also, again, I want to read on which is good as you’ve hooked the reader in.

So, we know Everton’s been robbed, but we don’t know who by , and why. I’m thinking from the reference to his dick getting the better of him that he went off with someone but it was a set up to rob him.

I like that we very quickly get to realise that Everton is gay. And the writing is also slightly amusing at this point, even though the poor guy was robbed, you lighten it up... only to then hit the reader with sadness when Everton starts to cry. Nice touch.

Haahhhaaa!! See the first thing I thought of when reading his name was Everton the football team because I’m originally from Liverpool, and I see you’ve worked that in nicely with the hand clapping. I knew right away what was happening, but a non-Brit wouldn’t know.

You move to the point of view of Kash and Edouard manning their stall. When you say, He stopped in mid-sentance as Everton Jones came running down the path... the reader thinks that Kash and Edouard know him, because you use Everton’s name. They see ‘Everton’ running... not a young black man with his afro swinging.. etc. You go on to say that Everton didn’t know them, so this jars with the reader.

You need to change that bit.. but then you go on and have Everton introduce himself, that’s fine.

Good end to C1.

C2
I like the way you write the dialogue. I also like the pov switches and the accents you use. I know some people hate it, but I like it and I think you do it well.

Haa.. I like Kasha! Not much to say on C2 though.. it all flows along very well and engages me as reader to want to know more. The mystery continues.

C3
I like the neat description at the start of C3.

I like all of chapter three. Sorry...there’s nothing I can say to improve it... I’m reading c4, because this is a really catchy and engaging read.

C4
Good start, as I’m already used to with this. I did get confused about the ring though. When it first falls out of the envelope they recoginse it as a diamond.. but then they say...

‘what’s the rest made out of?’ and the answer is a ‘black’ diamond. Now I have no visual on the ring. By ‘the rest’ I assumed the band of the ring. Is the band black? A bit better description of the ring is needed for the reader to get a visual on this.

Ohhh I like the message from his dad.

The reference to the diamond being ‘right in the middle’ jarred with me. In the middle of what?

Ok... I really want to read more because I think this is a fantastic story. This is one I really would like to come back to when I have more time.

Great stuff. I love the characters.

Lorri

great opening. great dialogue. great narrative

great opening. great dialogue. great narrative

A very nice reading which could be termed as highly remarkable and deserves 6 stars. Will put it on my book shelf soon.

Interesting reading, but not my style. I don't see anything wrong with your grammar or style. You write well, just not my style of reading material. Good luck with this!

D. S. Hale

I've only just started the book, but was intrigued by the the name of the former ruthless African dictator, Bokassa, in the title. The innocent mistake the protaganist makes which leads to a series of events that leave Everton traumatised are easy to relate to. We've all done stupid things that we had to pay for later on. This makes it easy for the reader to empathise with him. My curiosity is piqued to find out the connection between Bokassa and the events in the alley way. The writing is clear and the book seems to flow naturally. I'm giving it high stars now and watchlisting it as my shelf is full at the moment. Great job.
Bob

I'm usually into Sci-Fi, but I saw you have gay characters too so I wanted to read your story. Your book blurb also looked interesting. Therefore, since I had a bit of time before work I read the first chapter. And I liked what I read. Everton is a nice character, and his situation is amusing when he runs naked through the park (though, not so much for him:) The calling out prior from the Everton fans was a nice touch. I also like Kash and Edouard too, their banter putting a smile on my face. Anyway, I'm going to find a space on my shelf for your book. Ciao, Harlen.

Eye-catching cover. Curiosity-rousing short pitch. Intriguing long pitch that most definitely makes me want to take a look at this book.

Love the opening paragraph. A lesser author would have called this 'Prologue' and used a fancy font or some such rubbish. You don't. You get straight into the story. I'm hooked. I might have put Everton's thoughts in italics, but it's a minor point. I like the touches of humour (Oh my God, I've been robbed by a label queen!) Completely absorbing and fast-paced. I only intended to read chapter one, but I have to read on... Great hook at the end of chapter two. Have to read on, yet again. Chapter three ups the intrigue, and is again highly readable. If I had this book as a paperback in my hands, this is the point where I'd turn off the computer and go curl up on a sofa to read the rest, ignoring everything else I have to do today. And that's entirely how it should be.

Yep, I like this. It's on my watchlist. The way you handle the narrative is intriguing. It's definitely something a bit different and very interesting.

Was anxious to read more when I got home tonight. Love the short chapters and the punchy dialogue. I read on your profile you would be taking some chapters down shortly, so I hope to read more before you do. Great as always my only 1 snag in 7 and 8 was --MacDonalds which in the US would be McDonalds, but I'm not sure how that is from country to country.
Best
Bill

Back as promised to read more. 4-6 were quite entertaining. Interesting I have a gri-gri of sorts in my book only I'd never heard of that term and mine's meant to be worn around the neck,not cock adjacent. The term thong threw me at first as I thought your were describing assless leather underwear, but I figured it out after a bit.
Off to the gym for now but I'm enjoying this and will read on in hopes they make it back to the sauna.
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

I like the idea behind the story. I can just see how family tensions could play into this and complicate the plot in exciting and new ways. There is suspense and it is a true thriller in every sense of the word! I am giving you many stars for the originality and high level of publishability that I see in this piece. I look forward to reading more.

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

Title: Interesting.

Cover: I like it

Short Pitch: I find questions in short pitches over done and often they sound better without them: Everton Jones wants to discover how his father stole Emperor Bokassa’s diamonds and, more importantly, where he hid them.
I don’t think you need the last part, but that’s just my humblest opinion.

Long Pitch: I like it, but the second paragraph is all one sentence, and it’s really long! But that’s about it, it is hooking and engaging.

Chapter One:

I am finding the first person present thoughts mixed in with the third person past narrative a bit jarring. Perhaps italicize the thoughts?

You have so much internal dialogue, why not write this in first person. Or, you know you could put his thoughts in third as well:

Thank god for the bend, at least he couldn’t be seen from the road. But he didn’t know anyone in London. What the hell was he going to do? What was he thinking of? Luck, the address of the hotel was in his jeans. He didn’t know where it was.

I don’t know. Without anything indicating the thoughts it is hard to jump back and forth. I’ve never seen this much internal first person thoughts in a third person manuscript.

Not saying I didn’t like the first chapter. I did. I think your MC has an engaging voice.

Either I’d love to see this written as completely first person, or have the thoughts set apart from the usual narrative and italicized.

Is this personal preference to me?

I don’t think so. It’s hard to follow as is and I kept thinking the slippage wasn’t intentional, which I am sure it was.

A great start too. Naked and not sure what is going on.

Chapter Two:

Really like Kash and Eduard. Their conversation and the way they act are comfortable for me, the dialogue in the opening feels real, actually it does all the way throughout the second chapter.

Starting to get a feel of Everton in this chapter, a better one. Virtually no internal thoughts/monologue in this chapter, which is very different from the first. And so, I would say just italicize his thoughts in the first chapter so the reader isn’t lost.

Chapter Three:

Strange.

This chapter is good but it makes the opening of chapter one clear that it wasn’t Everton’s thoughts, and so I am thrown off. Was it the solicitor rifling through the box? Huh. Confused., a bit.

Though I think this chapter is good. One thing you really have going for you is dialogue and pacing. This is motoring along at a good klik and it is keeping me engaged.

Thought it was funny that Everton thought five thousand pounds was a fortune.

Chapter Four:

The mystery is starting in this. We see the ring and the necklace. The weird little note left by his father, who I suspect isn’t really dead. It doesn’t sound like it, to me that is. But maybe I am just reading into the narrative a bit
too much.

Wanted to make a note, I think you do a great job of balancing the story. You don’t overdue it on the narrative or the description of things. I really enjoy that sparser story writing. Lets the reader use a bit of their imagination, but still offers up enough to not have us out right thinking.

I really like Kash. He’s an interesting character.

I think it’s unusual that he trusts these guys, mostly Kash, so quickly. Mostly because, i certainly wouldn’t. Which makes me think Everton is a tad on the naive side. But that said, still a good character.

Not much to say in regards to the writing. It is clean for the most part though I did see some punctuation which was off, but that is so minor I feel silly even mentioning it.

Good Luck with this. I enjoyed what I read!

T.L Tyson – The Reign of Billie Blackwater

Unfortunately I had to stop after three, have to meet friends for drinks. I'm enjoying it so far. The UK phrasing was a bit tough for me in a couple of places but not too bad. One line early on that you might want to re-read --- "Everton dragged himself away from the light and gathered his arms around him." The phrasing seems a bit off, it may just be a UK/US thing. Anxious to see what's in the envelope,
Back later
BS
HAKTAW HEART

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A well-developed, sympathetic main character. Vivid visuals. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening paragraph. I'm hooked.
2) 'Nice choice matey boy, whoever you are.' Comma after 'choice.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where someone is addressed, but their name or title isn't offset with commas.
3) 'An' yeh can save the "Madame" for Ricqui an' the rest of yer Girlfriends.' No need to capitalize 'Girlfriends.' There is another instance in this chapter where 'Girlfriends' is capitalized when it should be lowercase.
4) 'Both his hands were wrapped firmly around his manhood.' 'Manhood' is purple prose and shouldn't be used in conventional modern writing. Write what Everton would call it. If you don't want to be explicit, then have Everton's hand cover his 'groin.'
5) When Kash offers Everton the gym kit, I'd like to get into Everton's mind and see his emotional reaction to the kind offer.
6) Good end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that paragraph?

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

i found it really disorienting that there's no distinction between the narrator's voice and the thoughts of the mc. have you considered telling it all in first person? putting thoughts in italics? it's just my opinion, but it seems like you're not going for the distance that 3rd person attempts anyway.

i'm not sure why there's a scene break before "regret overtook everton..." it doesn't seem to shift pov or time. you do a good job building the tension in this scene. as the footsteps get closer, i feel the fear.

the scene that begins "on hamstead and heath", i didn't get enough visual description to picture and understand what's going on. and the dialogue here doesn't quite sound right. 'pleased to meet you'- as he's naked? and the polite offer to take him in? "yes. thank you. you saved my life." this dialogue seems rushed and unrealistic. it might work better if you slow the scene down and include more descriptive details and narration.

i hope this helps. good luck.

Bokassa's Last Apostle

An original idea. I liked the short pitch. The beginning of the long pitch worked but I think there's too much detail from half way down to the end. I do get the gist of what the story line is meant to be but I felt I had to read it twice to really get it and then felt inundated with an explanation as to the plot's development.

The first thing that I notice is that this is a third person narration but you don't segregate Everton's internal thoughts (say by italics) so it almost reads like a third person/first person mishmash.

The first chapter is hilarious. Very embarrassing for Everton to have his clothes pinched off him. I guess I'm wondering why Kash and Edouard are so willing to help him.

Chapter two has them getting to know one another. In this chapter, at first I didn't understand why Everton questioned Kashta's being a black Muslim, coz of course in Africa many Muslims are black then I realized its coz he's from the States and I guess it is more rare to find blacks who practice Islam.

I like the dialogue and notice that the chapters I read are dialogue heavy. It may be that it branches into narrative mode later in the book (or not). I do wish you'd do a little more in describing the characters as they go about with their dialogue. Like, rubbing a nose, shuffling feet, stretching arms ... that sort of thing. I feel it helps to enrich the dialogue, especially if the book is going to be as dialogue heavy as in the first two chapters.
I did enjoy what I read. Highly starred for now.
Best of luck with this!
Kari
Black Tea

Hi,

I just spotted your book and realised I'd never read it before. So here I am to rectify that. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1:

Dramatic start. I find myself wondering what on Earth's going on at once. And who's this Everton? I have to read on and find out. ;)

Ah... poor Everton. Looks like his night didn’t exactly turn out the way he hoped. Looks like he may have just lost more than his clothes, though. That solicitor’s letter was important.

I almost laughed aloud at the momentary misunderstanding with the football fan calling his name and the flight down the alley. Again, I feel sorry for the poor sod, but the image of him legging it, bollock naked, is just too funny. ;)

Phew he’s soon rescued by a couple of interesting characters on Hampstead heath, though. He’s soon clothed and off to a place to stay. :)

Chapter 2:

From the conversation at the start of this chapter, it looks like Everton might have to worry about the sex-crazed Edouard. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Sounds like Everton’s had a bit of a tragic family past :(. Again, I feel sorry for him. And there’s plenty of mystery with his dad. Interesting…

Wow Kash is loaded, isn’t he? As a struggling, impoverished author I’m jealous. Grrr. :(. I laughed at the way he got out from under the thumb of his dad, though. Clever move. ;)

Chapter 3:

Hmmm the mystery of the father deepens here. He really is a puzzle, isn’t he? I blinked when I learned his son didn’t even know the dad’s 1st name.

There are a lot of hinting details that get me on the edge of my seat. Then… at last we get to the letter to Everton. Ah but we still don’t get to see what’s in it. And by the end of the scene, we don’t know if the dad’s alive or dead. Is he in hiding for some reason?

At the end of the chapter, there’s a mysterious share certificate. Why do I get the feeling that the strangeness is just starting here?

Chapter 4:

Finally, I get to see what’s in the envelope. A strange ring, a necklace and an intriguing note that hints at danger. I almost laughed aloud at the “stay away from women” warning. That bit lightened the mood nicely.

By the end of the chapter, it looks like the pair are off to try and find the father. Erm… and they’re going to a gay sauna to try and get some info from a male prostitute. You never see this stuff on TV detective shows for some reason. ;)

OK I think I better stop commenting in this way before this comment gets far too long. I’ll try and sum up now and then I’ll shut up. :)

I actually enjoyed what I read quite a bit. I thought your story was a lot of fun, and you manage to hook the reader at the end of each section, making them want to read on. Your short scenes and chapters really up the pace. And the dialogue’s great, bouncing from character to character in a lively and enjoyable way. :)

For me, it’s the mystery of the father that forms the heart of this book, though. I think that’s what will keep your readers reading on far too late into the night to unravel your story. Cleverly and teasingly written. ;)

I’m very happy to give this 6 stars. Great news you’re getting published. I wish you the best of luck selling as many copies as humanly possible. :)

Pete

I like the dialogue-driven nature of this story; it keeps it moving. I could image the scenes without getting bogged down in detail. And Kash is such a vibrant character, I found myself more interested in him than Everton. At the risk of sounding crude: chapter 23 is a total turn on.

There's evidence of a lot of work in this novel and taking it as a whole, it is likely to hit it's target market. However, sometimes it doesn't quite convince. For instant, in 12, he is just too casual about realising it is his father and goes straight on to discuss diamonds and money. This dialogue needs some work to convince. Lots of good action and I am baking it. Lara
Good for Him

Interesting first paragraph, grabs your attention. Meeting Everton Jones naked and beaten is always an intriguing way to introduce your MC, plus he has a sarcastic sense of humor that I love.

Kash and Edouard are interesting and engaging characters that have non-traditional quirks which you express beautifully.

Throughout the text the dialogue is nicely paced, humorous and believable. Wonderful book and a pleasure to have on my bookshelf!

Jaen Wirefly
-Glimmers

I was so happy to dig into this one. Read through chapter 10 in one sitting.
First, I love the cover. I know that's neither here no there, but I had to mention it.
The opening pulls you right into the story. Being screwed and not the way he wanted...that was funny as hell and I once he bumped into Ed and Kash...it just got funnier. I really enjoyed each character and the dialogue was real and entertaining.
I liked that there isn't a lot (actually there is absolutely nil) backstory dragging the narrative down. The story just takes off and runs. It's well paced and keeps your attention. The cultural aspects and multi-lingual dialogue were well done--and again they made the characters more real.
I'm a very straight girl...and the shower scene was hot. Bravo.

I'm not sure where you are with this or if you are planning anymore re-writes but if so, I will mention that there were times that I completely lost sense of where we were. It is very dialogue heavy, which is the kind of story I prefer and also how I write myself, but a sentence or two here and there describing the scenery wouldn't hurt. Some smells sounds and tactile description could take this to the next level. The best scene was by far the shower scene as far as providing vivid imagery and that's why it was so effective.

Did I mention I really like Everton? He's a true ingenue without being annoying. He's adorable.

I had commented and backed this book almost a year ago and came back to it because the cover caught my eye in the weekly top 5 - WOW - you have made some major editing changes and have polished this to near perfection. I had thought the writing and story line were already excellent but now if I were a publisher Id be dialing you right now! Shelved for a second time with the new Authonomy regime. This deserves exposure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

It's an interesting story. I love the concept, but there are a few things I just found jarring while reading.

The small bit in the beginning always refers to the character as "he". I figure you left the name out on purpose, but still try and give the character some sort of title so the reader can identify the character and keep him in mind.

Also, you shift from narrative to Everton's internal thoughts and back again within the same paragraph. It's just confusing. But overall this is a great idea and I hope the best for it.

Just thought I'd drop a line thanking you, not only for your backing, but also for your in-depth analysis of my work. It is greatly appreciated. I'll work on tightening things further when next I edit.

Bokassa's Last Apostle, of which from your pitch I was expecting something Forsythe-esque, is nicely nothing like Forsythe. Have star-rated for now, and will return when I can give your book a reading similar to the one you graciously gave mine. From the other comments I've read, it looks to be a rewarding read.

Again, thankyou for your feedback. It is greatly apprecaited.

PJ Wilfred
A Trucker's Tale

Sounds great... on my W/L until a shelf opens up! Looking forward to reading :)

Rachel

Like the start of this enough to back it. will come back to read more
Nick
The Stone of Madness

Chapter 3: The lawyer is definitely holding money back here. There's supposed to be a whole lot more (250,000 pounds possibly? From memory? It was a while since I've read it on YWO so I've probably gotten that number wrong, but I do know it was a lot.) Despite the changes I still remember this scene, but what I'm looking forward to is past chapter 3 as it's unchartered territory for me. I want to know how Everton gets along, as he is a likeable character. Plus, I hope he ends up with Kash. -Marita.

I enjoyed chapter 2. Don't think this has been changed much here. Good dialogue, flowed well, likeable characters. I remember Kash converting to being a muslim to spite his father. I don't recall the Egyptian dogs surrounding his bed though. But I thought this was a nice touch. Brought up a good picture, along with Everton's linen pants :) Chapter 3 another day.

Well, this has changed quite a bit since I reviewed it on youwriteon. From memory, you've taken out when Everton was attacked, and the scene prior to that where the young guy hits on him (I think it was in the men's room?) Also, you've changed the POV in the park scene. It doesn't matter because I like both versions. Everton is still a likeable fella, and is lucky he ran into Kash and Edouard. I also liked the dialogue used. Although I wouldn't have a clue about the different ways of talking in Britain (being a Kiwi), it seemed natural. Plus, I'd rather read dialogue that reflects speech patterns and not perfect English.

The guy calling out the soccer team's name was a nice touch.

Anyway, it's past midnight so I better stop here. Will comment more after the next chapter. All the best - Marita. P.S. Didn't spot anything that needed fixing.

Hi there. I browsed through your book and have enjoyed it enough to back it. My days are hectic and don’t have lots if time. If you would like a specific comment, send me a request and I’ll do my best.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

Hi Toussaint!

Chris D asked me to consider this book, and I'm glad he did. Everton is a really humerous guy. I love his 'screwed in the wrong way' comment, which I took as a three-fold pun, lol. I'd have to echo what Chris said about losing pov, but otherwise this is fantastic and on my shelf :)

Hi Toussaint!

Happy New Year!

Yeah, I read this on Youwriteon, or maybe on here, ages ago. Or was it on writing.com? I’m really not sure, but I have read it somewhere, lol.

Overall, very good writing. Everton is an interesting character, and there’s a good hook in the opening paragraph and with Everton’s mysterious dad and the solicitor.

I want to back this, but I’ve got shelf space issues right now. I will back it when I can make some space, but in the meantime I’m going to ask some friends if they’ll back your book and help you in that way. You deserve some support.

I think you need a few more tags between the dialogue so that we know what the characters are doing as they’re speaking. Also, you need to work on your hooks. Perhaps most importantly, you need to make more use of the senses to draw the reader in. Does the alleyway he’s mugged in stink of urine? Do the clothes Kash gives Everton to put on smell of stale sweat because he’s obviously used them earlier in the day at the sports club? What does the breakfast feel, smell and taste like? Draw your reader in.

The first paragraph is a wonderful hook. However, one sentence within that paragraph detracts from the others – ‘Why didn’t I know about this?’ All the following sentences imply the pov character doesn’t know who owned the box or whom the envelope is addressed to, so why should he know about this. I’m sure there’s an excellent reason, but the contrast broke me out of the story and prevented this paragraph from hooking as it should.

A second thought about the paragraph is that the initial line would be better as a whisper or simply a said rather than a thought. Dialogue draws the reader in better, so an opening like this might hook a little more:-

“There must be a fortune in here!” he said. He picked a bundle of hundred dollar biils out of the bank box and whistled. “Who said money doesn’t smell good? Thank you, matey, whoever you are. Pity you never came back for this.” He rummaged around inside the box and his hands hit upon a large, padded envelope. “Everton?” he read. “Who the hell is he?”

But, that’s only my opinion. :)

Why the asterisks between ‘I’ve lost everything’ and ‘Regret overtook?’

The pov shift from Everton to Kash is new, I think, and works very well. However, if I were you I’d establish Kash’s in the first paragraph. At the moment it could be him or Edouard. Eg.

On Hampstead Heath, Kash was manning a stall together with his friend Edouard. -> this makes it clearer that this is Kash’s pov and not Edouard’s.

Well, you’re on Hampstead Heath, honey. -> commas needed.

Some guy WHO RAN into some guy from work...

When Everton tells Kash he’s supposed to see a solicitor on Monday, I think we need some reaction to this fact from Kash...a negative reaction. If someone says this to you, you’re immediately going to wonder if he’s in trouble with the police :)

Well, whenever you begin a sentence in dialogue with ‘well’ you need a comma after it, ‘well, if you see what I mean.’

‘Well, alright. I can’t deny that...’ -> deny what?

After a while, dialogue takes over the action completely and we’ve no idea what the three characters are doing. Poor Edouard is left completely out of it, lol. Also, we lose Kash’s pov because it’s all dialogue and we’re getting no internal reactions from him, such as his thoughts before he invites Everton back to his home.

You end the first chapter with resolution. Can’t you end it with a question instead, so there’s more incentive for the reader to read on? For example, Kash could debate with Edouard whether or not they should invite Everton home. Even better, Kash could have internal thoughts about whether to invite Everton home. Since we’re in Kash’s pov, he might show us in pov that he fancies Everton, or that he’s concerned Everton might think this.

At the beginning of chapter two, I’ve absolutely no idea whose pov we’re in, lol. Dialogue takes over completely. You’ve got smelly food on the table, but don’t mention the smell, the taste or the touch of the sticky pain-au-chocolat...make use of the senses to draw the reader into the story.

Good character development with Kash when he says he’ll refuse to take anything later, lol.

Do the French really say, ‘oh, la la?’ lol. It looks a tad cliché.

You use the word haji in Kash’s name. If he hasn’t been to Mecca during the month of hajj, he shouldn’t have this in his name.

If you ended the second chapter with Everton asking the question about Kash coming to the solicitor, but don’t answer it, then there’ll be much more of a hook.

I hope my comment helps you with your edits.

All the best,

Chris :-)

Holy dialogue Batman! Wow, I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before. The story is incredibly vivid and engaging with minimal authorial voice. The characters do all the talking and come across as unique and larger than life yet convincing as they do so. I wanted to get the first three chapters in to repay you for your detailed comments but I was 9 chapters in without even realising it The pace here is pretty incredible. Sometimes I wasn't clear on who was speaking but it doesn't matter one iota as the plot keeps you reading on - 'no tme to find out who said that - gotta find out what happens next'.

I've only been on here a week and am a bit overwhelmed with trying to read all the stuff I'm interested in and people have asked me to so I might take a while to get further with this but I will definitely be itching to get back to it. I signed up here to get some idea of whether I had any talent rather than to get myself up the charts so getting your backing and then on top of that finding out that it comes from someone who writes with such quality has been an incredible boost for me. Best of luck with this!

Cheers,

Ross

I think I backed this some time agon. I like the storyline a great deal, and found it to be a compelling, and intriguing story. It is quite an original tale which appeals to me. Stars and a backing for sure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

good read

These people are an interesting bunch. They come over as real and the dialogue is entertaining. There is an underlying humour. With all the nakedness it would be good as a film. Five Stars.

A well crafted, intelligent novel, with lots of suspense and intrigue. Good narrative and engaging characters make this a must read. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Dear Toussaint,

This is really exciting and entertaining. A masterly written piece, with opening very fantastic, and a well written dialogue, characters, no punct error, or plot, all done perfectly. Fast moving thriller, gripping, intrigueing and captivating. A blend hard to find. Goodluck.

Poor Everton! I love the way you've started this book, with an unfolding mystery, and an MC who is, as you said, screwed. The narrative and dialogue are well done, and the story has a nice fast pace. I have already backed this fine bit of writing!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

An interesting story line. Well told and paced [well from the chapters I have read ch.1, 3, 7]. One point maybe that does the reader know the backgound story of 'The Emporor' Bokassa that well. !!! Best wishes, BACKED.

I would appreciate if you could take a look at my childrens' book ;Paperbats

Jerry [paperbat]

This is brilliant - I love it! I've laughed out loud several times and I've only read a couple of chapters. I'll definitely be reading more. The characters are great and the story has me hooked.

Anne
Closeted Courage

"Why didn't I know about this" hooked me. Everton is sympathetic and well developed. Your descriptions are vivid. For example, your description of Kash's bedroom. You could deepen your narrative by occassionally using a similie or metaphor. Otherwise, you use your narrative masterfully to reveal thoughts, feelings and motives. Your conversations flow naturally and advance your story. No wasted words here. Your pacing kept me riveted.

Nit:
'Nice choice matey boy, whoever you are.' Comma after 'choice.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem.

This is an engaging thriller. Backed.

Hi toussaint,
This is an exciting, fast moving thriller, with a likeable, believable main character. It is also very different, which I'm sure is what publishers are looking for.
Best wishes,
Scott.

I really would have liked to read more, but I'm a bit short in time these days.
However, what I read, I liked. A lot. I loved the tantalizing little introduction (format-wise I think it deserves it's own page -- but that's just me). I also liked how we're thrown into the action. Loved the dialogue. You handle it well, it flows naturally and it gives insight in the kind of persons the characters are.
Backed it and hopefully I will be able to return to it.

Definitely interesting, though I find the amount of dialogue to be a bit hard to handle. There are no real breaks in between, describing scenes, settings or emotions. Even still, the characters and the plot are interesting.
Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"

I am happy that he is saved, in the end. Well, if a book can make you sad, happy or terrified that is a good book. in your book there are these elements of a good book. well done. backed

shah

Like Lorri, I'm a scouser from Liverpool so I understood the hand clapping in chapt 1 and my husband is an avid Everton FC fan!
The writing is very fresh, exciting, gripping and fast paced. A great novel. A talented writer and best of luck!
Alison Butler

Toussaint

This wasn't quite what I'd expected - it's faster paced and more amusing than your pitch suggests. It reminded me quite a lot of early Armistead Maupin in both style and tone: the lightness of tone, the reliance on dialogue to propel the narration forward, even the convoluted and slightly Hardy Boys-like mystery (or maybe Nancy Drew might be a better comparison in the gay arena...). I know it's an easy and obvious comparison but the similarities seem to be there, all the same.

Small nits: I wasn't sure about not differentiating Everton’s thought processes from the rest of the rest of the text, though I did become more accustomed to this as the story progressed.

And in the sauna scene, isn’t the fact that the police immediately know that Barthelemy is subject to an extradition warrant a bit pat? Though I suspect there’s a possible plot twist that lies further on than I’ve read to date (chapter 8).

I enjoyed this a great deal, certainly enough to read more of the book when I’ve time – and there’s not many books on this site that make me want to do that.

Peter

Now that's quite some predicament to wake up to. Questions arriving at a fast rate re who found the money, and where and how, and what happened to Everton. The latter gets answered fairly soon as the full extent of his current plight gradually dawns. The football fan was an amusing if tense moment. Kash and Edouard to the rescue ... they're more trusting and generous than many would be, but then they are on a charitable mission in the first place.

Kash turns out to be quite exotic, in a rebellious sort of way, converting from rather than to. On to the run-down Mr Stevens, 'I'll have to start from the beginning'. He's not making a very good fist of it, 'You brought me all this way over £20?' £5,000 it turns out ... not to be sniffed at, but there's more... I'm guessing Stevens is the guy at the start of chapter 1. The envelope and the ring of Africa, and the odd message. Helpful interpretation by Kash, 'Maybe he knew you'd turn out to be a fairy'.

A thriller with real thrills, baffling mysteries and plenty of laughs, based around the gay scene in London. Everton is the quiet, almost shy sort, while Kash is street-wise and gregarious. Edouard gives a dash of French sophistication, and James Stevens more than a sprinkle of shabby solicitor. It clear from the plot that things are going to get even more complex, outrageous and dangerous. A highly entertaining read with crisp and lively writing ... backed.

Possible nits: Early on, some of the narration (past tense) and Everton's thoughts (present tense) get a bit entangled, e.g. 'And not the way I wanted ... the look he'd given him ... Oh well, they warned me'. Possible solution in this case: 'And not the way HE wanted either ... forced itself into EVERTON'S mind. THE curly black hair, those green eyes...'

Consider the following possible rewording to avoid ambiguity, 'running down the path, obviously terrified, his big afro swinging about'. 'Make yourself to home', hm, is that a typo or a new way of saying it? 'James replied', how / why did Mr Stevens suddenly switch to being James? 'A single diamond set in the middle', the narrator is letting us know more than Everton ... best to keep it uncertain and let Ev and Kash speculate.

Aside from these few niggles, it's a remarkably well put-together novel that I hope can reach a wide audience.

If a book has a character that catches a reader's interest from page one and keeps that interest for chapter after chapter, the author must be doing something right. Well, this did! i was intrigued about Everton and his lairy roller coaster ride through London, his new friends and the hunt for the diamonds. .
Enormous fun and backed without hesitation.