Book Jacket

 

rank 3634
word count 10018
date submitted 29.03.2010
date updated 31.12.2010
genres: Fiction, Christian
classification: universal
incomplete

The Pure Abscess

Desiree Kanengoni

Incensed and numb, she sold her body in exchange for food rations for her family’s survival. Gradually, the emotional abscess, dulled and flattened emotions.

 

She walked down the footpath that meandered to the once bubbling springs of water, now shallow and muddy, way beyond the hills. Drops of dew formed on the dry grass along the footpath. She gracefully strode on, bare feet. The skin on her feet hard and cracked from the loyalty of transporting her to places, kicked the dry wet grass, leaving a cooling and moistening sensation from the dew. The moisture gently caressed and removed the dust from the feet as they carried her emaciated frame through the hills and valleys of the north western countryside of Zimbabwe.

The sky was a blue carpet decorated with different shapes of white clouds floating aimlessly. At the far end of the horizon, a tinge of orange rays, punctuated by the yellow and violet reflections of the African sun, was the trailblazer to the end of the day. She took in with pain the fields as far as her eye could see. Thick forests and stretches of rich green fields in her memory, replaced by dry brown patchy land stripped bare of its vegetation stirred yet deeper heart ache. Skinny cattle, dragged hoofs desperately in search for fodder from the gold wilted grass.

 
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tags

many christians ask the question why ? when their lives a re blighted with storms, sarudzai did not ask but simply walked on.

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23 comments

 

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pureshi wrote 446 days ago

this makes good reading, I felt myself transported to the time, place and feelings without too much effort. keep on writing.
pesh

CarolinaAl wrote 519 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start to what seems to be a captivating story. An interesting, sympathetic main character. Good, atmospheric descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'And it was ....' When you use ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Not more. Not less. Using more or less dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with so many dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) "Yes, I'm sorry Saru, how have you been?" Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
3) "You ... you look well", she continued. Comma goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases of this type of problem.
4) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Happy writing.

Al

mutsawashe wrote 543 days ago

Amazing, i'm actually not a big reader myself but i think this is amazing.
I love that when i was reading, i felt like i was in the book, just about feeling what sarudzai felt in her feet when she was walking and hearing them sing on their way to school.
I think the reality of this story is sad but it's wonderful that youv'e told the story of many women going through the same experience, in a way that'll make people think with more of open mind than they do when they see these types of stories in todays media.
Blew me away, wonderful writing.
Mutsa, 18 years of age, from london.
best wishes

karenrosario wrote 548 days ago

This looks like emotional and intelligent writing, with a lot of thought and research. I particularly liked the start of chapter 2 and felt it really set the scene. Just one note, the dialogue at the start of chapter 1 doesn't seem to match up, I think. At the moment it looks like Saru says 'I've been well, I hope you've been well too' and the next line of dialogue 'You... you look well' sounds like its the man speaking. I think you just need to delete the space between those two lines. But grammar isn't my strongest thing so maybe check with someone else!

JennyWren wrote 552 days ago

Desiree - If I am to be honest I will say that I was turned off by the title. But that is just my personal preference – so take it for what it is worth. I found the pitch interesting and it's set in Zimbabwe, so I read your book. I think you write with passion and purpose. You have shared some interesting experiences making the story unusual. It is obvious you have written from your heart and know what you are speaking about. You have accurately woven a picture of how life sometimes goes – not always perfect. If this is your very first story, I commend you. Well done. I wish you the very best on this site.
Jennifer Braun

deekays wrote 553 days ago

Dear Desiree,

Wow! What a wonderful piece of work here! Great opening and pace. Breathtaking, entertaining, compelling and captivating read. It animated some feelings about the drought happenings in Africa. You weave and garnish words like an inventor, very skillful. Anyway, your word usage is excellently incomparable. Description superb. Wish characters could speak better than your telling, nevertheless well written. Few typos, no grammer error. Worthy of sitting on many shelves. Wish you all the best. Backed. Remember to back my book.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (The 419 Code)



Thankyou Elijah for your encouraging words. Consider yours backed!

Elijah Enyereibe Iwuji wrote 553 days ago

Dear Desiree,

Wow! What a wonderful piece of work here! Great opening and pace. Breathtaking, entertaining, compelling and captivating read. It animated some feelings about the drought happenings in Africa. You weave and garnish words like an inventor, very skillful. Anyway, your word usage is excellently incomparable. Description superb. Wish characters could speak better than your telling, nevertheless well written. Few typos, no grammer error. Worthy of sitting on many shelves. Wish you all the best. Backed. Remember to back my book.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (The 419 Code)

Tom Bye wrote 553 days ago

hi desiree your book will not move from my watchlist to b shelf
and then disappears from both after a while, try to back and it says already backed'
sorry i had to write but it wont let me into your book. suggest you chick with authonomy
tom bye from hugs to kisses will try again later
from your pitch i am sure that your book will be a very interesting read

Alice T wrote 554 days ago

Few typos but overall written well. I always enjoy books about Africa.
Well done
Alice.

Senor Rikardo wrote 554 days ago

My daughter has said I must broaden my horizons and read different types of books other than horror and Clive Cussler types. So here I am, reading about life in Africa. A place I have never been to but I have a son in Cape Town so maybe one day.
This seems to be be written well, if a little difficult in places for me to understand. I shall persevere.
Al

Natalie Jones wrote 554 days ago

Checked out the first two chapters and each read well. My only suggestion is to watch the tags at the end of your dialogue. In some places, it's a continuous, "he said," "she said," "she grumbled," type of situation from one line to the next. Some of those can be safely omitted and the reader will still know who is speaking, especially when there are only two people in the scene.

Thank you very much, Desiree, for taking the time to comment on Death and Destiny. Best of luck to you.

Natalie

SusieGulick wrote 555 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Desiree! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to make sure I had ******-rated your book & I had :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 4 smaller ones since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) - every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me. :) I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year, so I'm trying to keep on & to cross the finish line of the editor's desk. :)

deekays wrote 555 days ago

I found the book, so far, gritty and realistic. Certainly in my experience of certain African countries it does ring true. Keep on editing, especially the cliches. No problem with some, but you have mixed them up a little. Good luck.



Thank you for your constructive feedback Charlie!

SusieGulick wrote 555 days ago

Dear Desiree, I love that way you take me with you on Kedu's trek & my heart went out to her :) - mine has been a hard one, too, but there's always hope. :) Your tight paragraph & dialogue move me right through chapter 7 & I was hoping for a happy ending & it sure was with, "Let's kneel & pray." :) I also like the, "go jump into the nearest lake" :) - haven't heard that in ages. :) I have now read, commented on, & put your book, to back when space open on my watchlist. :) Thank your for ****** 'ing my memoirs book & I just looked to see if I ****** 'd yours & I had. :) Love, Susie p.s. every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please put my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 12 from the editor's desk & need to be in the top 5 by the end of November :) - I had a mini-stroke last Wednesday with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & 4 smaller ones since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) - every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me. :) I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year, so I'm trying to keep on & to cross the finish line of the editor's desk. :)

Cheerful Charlie wrote 555 days ago

I found the book, so far, gritty and realistic. Certainly in my experience of certain African countries it does ring true. Keep on editing, especially the cliches. No problem with some, but you have mixed them up a little. Good luck.

kudzi wrote 555 days ago

Interesting mix of your medical phraseology in a literature context with some moral teachings!! I guess writing has always been your passion! Very thought provoking, how do we retain the christian values in a depraved and corrupt environment?

kudzi wrote 555 days ago

Interesting mix of your medical phraseology in a literature context with some moral teachings!! I guess writing has always been your passion! Very thought provoking, how do we retain the christian values in a depraved and corrupt environment?

deekays wrote 555 days ago

Hi Suzie, thank you for backing my book. I have backed and rated yours too. Will comment once I have a read.

SusieGulick wrote 555 days ago

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 13 hours later :)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 556 days ago

Beautifully written with sparse prose and evocative phrasing. This is a real gem hidden away amongst the rest. I can only comment as a reader but this will keep me turning pages until I have finished everything you have submitted, well done. You will be on my shelf as soon as a space is available. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Burgio wrote 779 days ago

I like stories that take me away from my everyday world and transport me to a new and different place. This one did that well by transporting me to Zambabwe. A strength of the story is your ability to make your main character so strong in the face of all of the things that happen to her. Also your descriptions of the landscape and Africa's beauty. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

soutexmex wrote 785 days ago

I see that you are on many shelves but no one has bothered to truly comment you, so that honor will be mine, being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

COOKIE GAWAIN wrote 785 days ago

Desiree I was so happy when I found Pure Abscess. It took me to a land I have never been to. Your writing allowed me live and breathe the culture.. Best wishes Cookie

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