Book Jacket

 

rank 1284
word count 11405
date submitted 29.03.2010
date updated 30.08.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Reining In

Dawn Judd

If you're a vampire living in today's world, how do you keep your identity hidden? Quite simply, you create the Network.

 

Khalida is a five thousand year old vampire. As technology and national security become more prominent, it becomes harder and harder for her to hide her secret from the world. In order to remain undetected by humans, she creates a network of people whose only job is to hide her identity.

But these aren't just any group of people. They are the best of the best, brought to her by chance; tied to her by a bond stronger than any she's ever known before. Being discovered by the human world isn't Khalida's only concern, however. She has made enemies in the vampire world.

When she makes a mistake that exposes her to those who want to take revenge on her, she is tossed into a whirlwind of death and destruction. She has to find out who is killing the humans who have become her family, and save those who remain.

Khalida has spent her entire life trying to protect the people she loves, but ultimately, she will have to decide between the ghosts of her past and the people who have put their lives on the line for her. Her decision may haunt her for the rest of her life.

 
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tags

family, love, revenge, vampires

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maxie wrote 698 days ago

Hi,

Please post more. I am now officially addicted and need to know what happens to Khalida (great name.)
This is fresh, innovative and fun, I thoroughly enjoyed reading what you`ve posted so far...Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Bradan)

Famlavan wrote 773 days ago

Reining In

This is different! I like this; it makes such a change from the normal take on vampires. Also you have developed a great character in Khalida and she pushes the storyline along very well.
You have a very good narrative style and have created very plausible dialogue; this is a very good piece of work. – Good luck

John OBrien wrote 769 days ago

This book is different enough to stand out from the abundance of other tales on this site concering the bloodsucking undead. The relationship with raymond is actually quite touching. The action is satisfying, the pitch and concept original (so far as i'm aware) and i'm happy to give this my backing.
John O'Brien - Other Face

Bocri wrote 775 days ago

I have never read Twilight, which I assume is a leading work, peopled by vampires. This is not surprising, as I was not particularly enamoured of the genre, but now feel this may be my loss.
Reining In succeeds, in my humble opinion, on many levels and proves that genre does not preclude excellent writing. The plot is imaginative and, by the creation and deft development of character, is peopled with a believable cast. The pace is variable and smoothly changes gear as the story progresses. While unique and original are much hackneyed words on Authonomy I will settle for innovative, imaginative and distinctive. Backed. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Andrew Burans wrote 765 days ago

A most novel approach to the Vampire genre. You have created a sympathetic character in Khalida, no easy feat, and pulled it off - well done. Your use of imagery and character development is strong and the dialogue is tight. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

mskea wrote 607 days ago

Hi Dawn,

sorry to have taken so long to get back to you, but as promised some feedback.
Positives first - your opener strikes exactly the right tone - use of phrases such as 'true to my nature' and 'Not once in 5000 years' immediately show us mc is not 'normal' giving us all the background info we need at that stage. So I'm interested and wanting to read on. However as the first ch progressed a few issues arose for me, mostly minor - 'very best friend' has a juvenile tone - which doesn't seem very appropriate for a 5000year old.
I questioned how Raymond at age 5 realised that Khalida was a vampire - the speed of travel wouldn't tell a child that. I think we need to see what it was that gave the secret away.
85 years seemed a very long time for an already dead log to survive - thats just a thought as I don't actually know if thats possible or not. - but it did pull me out of the story, because I questioned it. difficulty is that if you need readers to suspend disbelief (as you obviously do here) you don't want to strike a wrong chord on something simple.
Another comment, not a criticism, because it could just be me, but I thought the mc was male until I got to the 'maternal instinct' bit - probably because my limited knowledge of the legend of vampires implied male - likely that those for whom this genre is usual fare won't have this problem.
I did find the dialogue a bit stilted - especially between two people who'd known each other for this long.
But I guess the one main issue I had was with tone - Khalida seems too nice and untroubled - I'd expect there to be much more tension and difficulty in her life and for that to come over clearly.. eg 'My life was one big adventure...' That seems to me too easy, if you understand what I mean.
However i have to say that I don't normally read books about vampires, so I'm probably not the best person to comment. I do hope though that something I've said will be useful to you - good luck with this,

Margaret

The Nomad wrote 627 days ago

The whole vampire genre pretty much passed me by to be honest, nothing against it though. I found this an entertaining read, from what there is. I am backing it, just from what has been put up. Definately seems to be one to follow.

The Nomad
THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

Esrevinu wrote 628 days ago

Dawn, I loved your writing style and your intelligent descriptions. The pitch is perfect for this awesome story. It is obvious a lot of work went into the book--the carefully chosen words, and awesome dialogue work very well.
I loved it. Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

AnneWright wrote 631 days ago

Lovely voice and nice story - I like it!

Just a suggestion. You want that first paragraph to really sparkle. I'd work on it because there are multiple words that you repeat and, though repeating a word near a previous use isn't always a no-no, so many reused words can come across as lazy writing. I'd just replace a few of the repeats with an alternative, or edit so you don't need some of them.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Pat Black wrote 637 days ago

An excellent, cliche-busting start. It's bold to have your vamp stand in full daylight - and more than that, to have him as a heroic figure, saving Raymond from drowning. And you also cover the character's true nature - he is, as he tells us, very dangerous. Intriguing start, and a neat new take on the genre.

Pat Black
Snarl

minx2minx wrote 639 days ago

Wow...one I was going to get my husband to read as not my normal choice but, wow, this is a great read and I'd like to read more.
Hope you post more soon and get to the Eds desk because that's where this belongs.
Backed with utmost pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

slh68 wrote 644 days ago

A great story, well written, I can`t wait to read some more. Backed

Sarah Louise

name falied moderation wrote 645 days ago

Dear Dawn
dont know how i missed this book, well have it now.
Your short pitch took me to your long pitch which is very well crafted and promises an interesting original read. I I am amazed as I see the books on this site, with the minds, and the talent which produce writtings with such skill. How characters can be depicted to vividly using words as colors, and at how a story can be told and it depicts a movie on the mind. I do wish to congratsulate you on your book. I have not read all your writing but I do wish to back this book so it may asssit you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, comment which is important to me, and back my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Chipper10 wrote 646 days ago

great name for your main charcher Khalida. Backed.

I invite you to read or comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

SusieGulick wrote 646 days ago

Dear Dawn, I love your last lines of chapter 4 that we need to enjoy people while we have them because everyone is going to get old & die - that really sums up life. :) Great write. :) I've backed your book. :) I got so excited when I saw that you had backed my memoir book, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." Hope you'll take a moment to back my other memoir book, "Tell Me True Love Stories." :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

homewriter wrote 649 days ago

A truly fantastic start! It is so different and well written! I agree with Maxi. More please! Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

klouholmes wrote 653 days ago

Hi Dawn, Khallie is a likable vampire from the start, especially in her long history and what she can tell Raymond. Her POV is contemplative and she seems to veer away from her condition. It’s smooth and fascinating writing. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Cherokeeknight wrote 653 days ago

Evening Dawn, an enjoyable story but peppered with to many repetitive words. And overflowing with the need to be avoided (ly)words, Other than that good job. Backed

Nick
Invasion From Within

Clare Hill wrote 655 days ago

I must admit I did think 'not another vampire story!' but this is good. Needs a bit of edit - I'd cut the first para, as it's not serving much purpose or working as a hook. Slightly reword the second para and it would make a really good hook to draw in the reader. Watch for repetition - 'truly' is used too much. Have vampires had their day (or night?) I'm not sure.

Lisa Scullard wrote 656 days ago

Hi Dawn,

I think this is more 'Underworld' than 'Twilight', but there's not enough posted on here to say for certain... you could try Double Dragon eBooks submissions online. Audiences are gobbling up vampire tales (excuse the pun!) and your writing itself is fine; so long as you fix anything that people have said looks too much like what's already in the market, after taking a good look at it yourself and reading the comparative works of those authors they mention - just to make sure - it'll find a place.

Best wishes, Lisa (Death And The City) - sorry for the wait! :)

Anthony Brady wrote 658 days ago

REINING IN by Dawn Judd.

Not another vampire saga surely? Yes: but as good as the best combining very good writing with an apt flair for dialogue and scene setting. Your distinctive limpid writing style Dawn, sits easily within the 4 Chapters posted and promises something special and much more than the usual run-of-the mill offerings of this genre. This is a most attractive work in progress. In Khalida you have created a principal character who reveals depth of feeling and plausible inner reflective emotions. I should wish to know when more of your book is posted. Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.



name falied moderation wrote 658 days ago

Dear Dawn
well what a book cover. and your long pitch is so well crafted it made promises to me, and of course once i started reading your book i realised you kept those promises. CONGRATS on a really good read. however i have commented and backed your book, however cannot find the backing so will do it again, because it is WORTH IT
if you have already backed my book thank you so much, if not would you find the time, if not that is OK also
the VERY best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Ferdi wrote 659 days ago

Nice story telling - Backed

Ferdi
A Bed of Thorns

eurodan49 wrote 659 days ago

Not my genre but it's well written and deserves the backing
Dan

Johanna Kern wrote 678 days ago

Khalida is a very likeable character, she feels real, and even though dangerous -- her humanity, and sensitivity makes the reader truly care for her.

This is a really great study of how one would feel when living a vampire life -- which makes this fine work stand out in its genre.

Dawn, you are an excellent storyteller - and although the book still needs some editorial work - this site is exactly for that. And - the language can be polished, but to know how to tell a story well - that is a gift. And you have it in spades.

Backed with true pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Kidd1 wrote 686 days ago

Roller coaster ride of thrills told in a chilling edgy voice. Backed.

I hope you will give mine a read, and back it if you like it.
Best,
Robert
Golden Conspiracy

KW wrote 690 days ago

Simply, one of the best vampire stories I have read on this site. I like the way that Khallie lives with the humans. I wish you would upload a little more of the story onto this site. I'd like to see what happens once Marlene enters the picture. Backed for now.

RonParker wrote 692 days ago

Hi Dawn,

I'm not a fan of vampire stories but this one is so different from the usual ones that I quite liked it.

There are a few errors, such a a missing full stop. a 'to' which should be a 'too, 'pack which should be 'back and breath which should be breathe.

All these are easy to correct and once that is done I think you have a submissable story here.

Ron

SammySutton wrote 692 days ago

Dear Dawn,
I just read som of chapter 1, I find it interesting as a longtime vampire fan. I am not terribly experienced with in fiction I am more familiar with non-fiction, recently writing King Solomon's '13' I can say I had a blast I loved it but it is all new to me, therefore I cannot feel comfortable yet as a technique crtique that feels unfair. However, I found what I read in a portion of chapter 1 compelling and riveting as a reader I always find the value in the story. As a writer I am fascinated with the concept of writing from the first person, how fun, I would like to do that someday. I can see there are pitfalls with this but you seem to hadle it beatifully.
Good Luck!
I will back.
Thank you for backing King Solomon's '13'
Sammy Sutton
King Solmon's '13'

January wrote 693 days ago

Great premise backed by a wonderful first chapter.
Backed, January

maxie wrote 698 days ago

Hi,

Please post more. I am now officially addicted and need to know what happens to Khalida (great name.)
This is fresh, innovative and fun, I thoroughly enjoyed reading what you`ve posted so far...Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Bradan)

mvw888 wrote 699 days ago

I haven't read Twilight so I can't speak to that worry...in fact, I've never read a vampire novel. So maybe I'm a good one to ask about yours, maybe not! I found myself lulled into this story by the humanness of your characters, so much so that when the growling and biting began, I was a little jolted. I think this is a good thing. I'm not a big other-worldly, fantasy, etc. type reader and when I do dip into one, it's usually because I can actually relate to the characters in some way. And you do a good job with that here. I like your pitch, with the idea of "the Network"...I'm intrigued with that and how these vampires are going to make their way. Good job.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

EltopiaAuthor wrote 704 days ago

"Reining In"

Dawn Judd has created an interesting alternate reality, one in which some beings can live for hundreds of years with almost super human powers. She also make us care about the vampire, as if it were a person, and brings together the two worlds, human and fiend in a kind of interface that is bound to lead to conflicts and tension. Good first chapter. I will back this one in a few seconds..

Rusty Bernard wrote 709 days ago

Hi there,

I have backed your work because I loved the pitch enjoyed the intro and read on.

How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Take it easy and enjoy everything.

MM

Kristen Stone wrote 709 days ago

Hi Dawn. I guess you are American. It seems that when it comes to fantasy novels Americans write about vampires and the English write about elves, dwarves and related species. I don't really care what the characters are as long as the story is gripping and I think you have a winner here although I would like to know what happens later.
As with an earlier comment I would say you need to carefully edit this. There are some words missing, if you are anything like me you type so fast some words seem to get away and no matter how many times you read the text you don't notice their absence. I agree you need to watch the contractions. Fine in speech but not so good in narrative. I know it is difficult not to use them. You also need to check on your grammar. I can't say exactly where as I didn't take notes while reading (maybe I should) but you seem to use 'that' when you should be using 'who' and there was a point when you should have used 'whom' but I can't remember where.
Having said all that I liked the story and back it with pleasure.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man
The Penhaligan File

Karen Eisenbrey wrote 731 days ago

Dawn,

You've made a nice twist on the vampire genre with "Reining In." I like that Khalida is an ancient, powerful, dangerous vampire, and yet is very human in some ways and wants to do right by people. I'm also quite taken with the idea of an immortal who becomes intimately involved in the life of a mortal, so that he is like her child, her brother, her father, her grandfather . . . (There is similar element in The Pearl Edda on this site. I highly recommend it). Her grief upon Raymond's death seems real, and has the added twist that because she is immortal, she has no hope of seeing him again. I wonder, if she is 5000 years old, has this happened before, or was he the only person she really got close to? Does she go through this every time she loses a friend? That would be quite a curse. Or maybe her Network is new enough that she hasn't lost any of them . . . yet.

I have a couple of general nitpicks. In chapter 1, you use the word "truly" a lot, including twice in the first paragraph. You don't need both of them. I don't think you need either of them, and would, in fact, cut all of them. It's not a strong word and only adds extra fuss to the sentence. You also use "would've" and related contractions a lot. It's not incorrect, but to me, it looks odd in narration (but not in dialogue). There's nothing really wrong with it, but you might consider whether it is sometimes better to spell out both words.

Now for specifics:

Ch 1

". . . distraction, something about the sound . . ." Make two sentences of this, with a period after distraction.

In the paragraph where she recalls meeting Raymond again, do you need all the "woulds"? It seems much smoother just to use past tense: "When we once again met, he remembered me. Of course, I looked exactly as he remembered me."

"It wasn't until we had drove . . ." You want "driven".

"One of the men had broke in the window. . ." You want "broken".

Ch 2

EMT's doesn't need the apostrophe because it's a simple plural: EMTs.

". . . without being to conspicuous . . ." You want "too".

"This is important Khalida" Insert a comma after "important" and a period after "Khalida."

". . . flying past me as sat . . ." Insert "I" after "as".

Good luck with this!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Anna Rossi wrote 739 days ago

Vampires give me the creeps - it's all that sucking! But you managed to suck me in with your excellent prose and rapid pace. Khalida is a fascinating character and it's easy to like her and wish to know more about her.
Backed with good luck and a few shivers.
Anna (Black Damask)

SRFire wrote 741 days ago

I remember reading this before. Great vampire fantasy with interesting characters. Backed with pleasure, Sana x

Cait wrote 741 days ago

Reining In:

I don’t normally read fantasy/vampire books but when I do, I’m always fascinated with the vivid imaginations its authors have.

I’ve only had time to read the first entertaining chapter, but a few little things jumped out at me as I went through it. Now, as I don’t write fantasy, I may be way off with the few following suggestions, so I won’t mind if you disagree. ;)

First, I’d suggest cutting down on ‘truly’ as you used it a fair bit?

- As I stood in the window… suggest - As I stood by the window, close to the window, at the window? – ‘in’ the window doesn’t sound right, to me anyway.

The person I was going to meet – Try, The person I planned to meet - as ‘was’ is used about six times in this paragraph?

I had met him when he was (a child)…/I had met him when he was about five or six? Not sure if you need ‘had’ met him?

You have likable characters in Raymond and Klalida, and good dialogue as well. Your target audience will really like this.

All the best, and will back this soon.

Cait ~ Muckers ~

Caroline Hartman wrote 745 days ago

Dear Dawn,
Reigning In only resembles Twilight in that they both have vampire characters. Now, Dawn, do you believe in coincidence? I was uncannily surprised by the names you picked for your characters in Reigning In. My characters in Summer Rose don't show up early in the book. In chapter 19 Ray comes into play, not a big part,but he's a doctor. Then Mac is a baby, Darling is the last name of a child that is abducted. Lillian is the mother of Summer Rose. Just thought I'd mention these things. One or two may be coincidence, but Ray, Lillian, Darling, Mac (not particularly popular names)----great minds on the same creative track? Good luck? I'll keep watch and back.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

stevew wrote 748 days ago

A thrilling read... BACKED!

Steven Wardell
The Ultimate/The Authors Cut

Author apart from the rest wrote 748 days ago

Dawn,

I am a vampire fanatic! You had me at hello with your writing!!!

Thetinman wrote 748 days ago

Dawn, I enjoyed the read even though I usually stay away from the Vampire genre. I can see why this has climbed up the charts. I'll be sending you some info in private, but in the whole, well done.
Backed.
Paul (www.pauldaytonscifi.com)
We've Seen the Enemy

Cherry G. wrote 749 days ago

This is a slightly different take on the vampire story...a vampire who prefers the company of humans and actively protects them! A nice twist to what (IMO) is becoming an overworked subject,
The rescue of Raymond revealed a lot about Khalida. She had maternal feelings for the boy and she loved his laughter,. She risked going into human territory to save him and he thought of her as an angel. It is clear there is a trusting and deep relationship between them. This all reveals Khalida as a warm and likeable character. It is easy for the reader to care for her and want to know what happens to her.
You pace the story well. For example. you end Chapter 1 on a cliffhangar. Has Raymond been shot?
THere are just a few nitpics:
In the very first paragraph, you repear "truly" at least three times. Is this intended.? You also use "day" and "today" a lot in the first and second paragraph. It may be better to vary this .
Have a cafeful look over your dialogue. Occasionally, the punctuation isn't quite right (though mainly it is, so I realise they are typos.)
Perhaps you could reduce the number of adverbs you tag on the end of "he said" etc? It feels repetitive and doesn't add much to the story. Eg in Chapter 1: "What is that?" he asked, suspiciously." I feel you don't need suspiciously and it is neater writing without it.
These are just suggestions. It's an imaginative story and you've conjured up an interesting main character. I will BACK this tomorrow, when I rearrange my bookshelf.
Good luck with "Reining In."
Cherry G.
THe Girl From Ithaca

CarolinaAl wrote 752 days ago

Khalida is likable. You've fleshed her out well. For example, 'the sound of his laughter brought out a maternal instinct.' Your descriptions are vivid. I like how you work little descriptive details into your narrative such as mentioning the scar above Khalida's eye. Your dialogue is fresh and relevant. Your pacing held my interest.

Nit:
You repeat 'truly' in your first two sentences. If this isn't intentional, revise one.

This is an engaging, well-crafted vampire tale. Backed.

eloraine wrote 754 days ago

I hear the same thing, another vampire book? But this is good and everyone that lovs vampires is always lookig for something new to read and likes to read everythng, great job. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one, I hope you will take a look.

Paul T. wrote 755 days ago

With all the Vampire stuff around just now, you need to have a very distinctive and original voice to stand out. With that in mind, you've done a good job in creating Khalida, and her friendship with Raymond. The Network is also a good idea, and offers a lot of possibilities for plot development - though I didn't like the way you introduced it, all in one paragraph of information. I think it would work better if you drip-fed that into the story over the first chapter or two.
There is a good sense of mystery developing over who Raymond's killers were and what they were hiding. Also over Khalida herself, and what skeletons she might have in her 5000 year old cupboard!
On my shelf.
Paul T.

Francesco wrote 757 days ago

Vampires...again...BUT this is very readable!!!!!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

scatteredfrost wrote 757 days ago

Hi Dawn,
Reining In is a nice twist on the vampire saga. It reads well but I think you might stand a better chance of grabbing readers if you opened with your chapter 2. You could weave in the info from chapter one along the way. The cruel fact about today's reader is you've got to grab them right away. Open with the blood on the floor is the advise I've heard. Just a thought, I see you've already published this so maybe you don't want to hear this.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Ron Mitchell wrote 758 days ago

Off hand I do not usually read this type of book, but would agree that your writing style is very smooth and easy to read. You make clear of the intentions of Khalida in this plot. I'm not really a fan of a character in the personal pronoun setting (i.e., the use of I, me, etc.). That is personal preference on my part. You have a good start in this genre. Best of luck in your future writing. Backed. I appreciate your support of December Gold.

Billy Young wrote 759 days ago

A good concept and a good story. I would have like more conversation between the characters but I always think that. As a vampire book goes its is different from many that I have read which you do need. Backed.

Dawn Judd wrote 759 days ago

Jane,

Good eye. It is something that she starts to wonder about the more she thinks about it, and yes, it does come out later in the book.


My only puzzlement came with the men attacking Raymond. You've made it very clear that the existence of vampires is kept hugely secret yet they seem to accept that Khallie is a vampire almost immediately. Maybe there is some reason for this (I suspect there is) but surely it would strike Khallie as strange? Jane

mongoose wrote 759 days ago

This is hugely professional, very nicely done indeed. I usually make notes as I read but there is very little on my pad, which means I just read and enjoyed. My only puzzlement came with the men attacking Raymond. You've made it very clear that the existence of vampires is kept hugely secret yet they seem to accept that Khallie is a vampire almost immediately. Maybe there is some reason for this (I suspect there is) but surely it would strike Khallie as strange?
Great writing though - lovely pace and great mix of dialogue and description.
Backed (though I have a feeling I've already backed it - just hadn't got around to commenting). Jane

Imogen Rose wrote 761 days ago

Dawn,

I am reading on, further (on the Kindle, have not received the paper back yet). Absolutely loving the story. You mentioned two concerns....
Similarity to Twilight in the first chapter... I don't see that at all.
The name Jake... I would not be overly concerned with this.

One point...
Chapter 3: Para starting "So who is that young girl..." It was not immediately clear who was saying that, I went up and re read it and understood that it was the older lady. No biggie and it does not in any way detract from the engaging narrative.

I am loving the story and can't wait to find out what happens next. Imogen

A. Zoomer wrote 761 days ago

I like the straight ahead writing.
Nice story telling.
Backed.
A Zoomer
Going Out In Style

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