A Dream to Share

Sherilyn, You've hooked me. I want to read on and on. I think the first few paragraphs could have some unnecessary words pruned out to get the story moving along faster. Paragraph 2 could read:
Scholastic probation. House confinement. Social annihilation if her grades didn't improve by midterm.
Eliminate all unneeded words. Trust the intelligence of your readers.
I'm adding A Dream to Share to my bookshelf and giving it a bunch of stars.
Best wishes.

A Dream to Share -- Sherilyn Kay -- Chapter 1: You are quick and to the point with your intro. I see what you mean. It must have been a trial to read my work! ;) I like your characters. Within this introduction, we can already tell that Connie is a spoiled, pretty sorority girl, someone used to getting her way. Seems nice enough though. And Douglas is driven to the point that a pretty girl will not deter him from his goals. He’s a gentleman though, and I like that. Good job so far!

I love that Douglas was inspired to create something special from his time with Connie, his feelings toward her. Thus, the title, I think. Very good. I think Connie is growing on me.

Connie is right. Douglas is different than the average college boy. There is something to be said for such a man, so dedicated to goals and studies, kindnesses and gentlemanly ways.

Very sweet how they meet up after spring break and determine to be together. I like this read. Sweet and simple. Direct. You know what you are getting. Great job, Sherilyn!

Ellise ;)
~ The Governess ~

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. An engaging main character. Good descriptions. Not much tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'She glanced at the note ... ' I'm left wondering how Connie reacted emotionally as she read the note. As written, she has no emotional reaction. Is that what you intended to convey? I realize you write in the next paragraph 'now motivated to achieve,' but that statement is 'telling' rather than 'showing.'
2) ' ... intending to improve her grades-tomorrow .... ' I can't figure out how to get an em-dash in this comment section, so I used a dash in my quote. Here's my comment. Use an em-dash for interrupted thought. Use an ellipsis ( ... ) for hesitant thought. I'm confused by the way the em-dash and ellipsis are used in this sentence. Incidently, there is another use of this dual construction in this chapter.
3) ' ... she inhaled the promise of spring ... ' I'm not sure what 'the promise of spring' is. Is it a warmth in the air? Is it an aroma? Is it both? It's a beautiful phrase, but it's so ambiguous that my mind can't fix on it. Consider being more specific.
4) ' ... infused him with unfamiliar pleasure' is telling. How did Douglas' pleasure manifest? Consider describing his pleasure so realistically the reader will experience it along with him. When you do this, the reader will drawn deeper into the scene.
5) ' ... and exquisite perfume wafted toward him.' When you mention scent, try to characterize it. Is her perfume spicy? Floral? Musky? Citrusy? Does it smell of vanilla? Roses? When you characterize aroma the reader is plunged deeper into your story.
6) 'Hegathered up his books and steered her out ... ' Insert a space between 'he' and 'gathered.'
7) 'Douglas drew her into his arms, and she surrendered to the consuming joy of his exquisitely sweet kiss.' I would like to have more emotional description of this kiss. First kisses are extremely important in the Romance genre. Consider describing the 'exquisitely sweet' kiss so vividly the reader will experience it along with Connie. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

Sherilyn,

I just finished reading your uploaded chapters which read with an informative ease. While I don't believe in love-at-first-sight [or write about it], I did find the way Douglas and Connie became acquainted rather genuine, though there was the implied of secrets on both their parts. The descriptive passages were a little short but enough to set the stage. Transitions changed a little starkly, though the chapter break did work. What finally lost me was the deep infusion of religion. I found Douglas' sudden loss of focus, etc. in stark contradiction to his beginning strong beliefs and plans for his life's path. This drastic descent into religion is not my thing, personally or in a modern literature setting. Now, if it were set in the 12th or 13th C, when religion was such an integral part of everyday life, I would have no problem with it. I would suggest you add a "Christian Literature" or "Religious" tag to your work, but that's just my opinion.

I wish you luck with your work.

Chrysta Mane
Heart's Desire

Sherilyn,
I love the unexpected way that Connie and Douglas meet back in 1973. A reference to the withdrawal of American troops from Vietnam makes it quite believable and helps to establish the historical setting. I love how they will put their faith in Jesus Christ to build a solid foundation for their lives. A Dream to Share has very positive messages and your writing style creates scenes which are easily imagined.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

What a great book! A love story with enough male viewpoint to keep me turning pages. The life challenges are realistic, and the descriptions of the characters and locations paint wonderful pictures. It is not preachy but the plan of salvation is clearly explained in simple language in chapters 6 and 9. Keep up the good work, I'm waiting for more.

A nice old-fashioned beginning. But this is romance with a purpose, and the author delivers the package effortlessly. The characters thrive against a well developed setting. The plot becomes three dimensional as the reader is pulled into the emotions of Douglas and Connie. A well structured story unfolds...

Well done. 6 stars.
Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Wow. Chapters 17 and 18 are phenomenal. I entered a kind of deafness as I read, feeling the anxiety and pain and then--drat! We must wait for another upload!!! Brava, brava. Gripping with very realistic inner turmoil. And I liked: tenacious throes clawed at him until the sedation took effect. Then he floated . .
Please, Puhleeeease let me know when you upload more. Thank you.
Best,
John B Campbell

Sherilyn,
This is an entertaining read. You successfully capture the Seventies and recreate that lost world. I like the way there's enough conflcit here to keep the reader hooked, making them want to read on.
Very best wishes for this work and for your future writing.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Hi Sherilyn, reviewing your work again, happily rebacking.

Blessings!
Jim

Dear Sherilyn

I have placed yours on my WL. Feel like reciprocating? David

Hi Sherilyn,
Chapter 7: Whoa, fifty thou in the 70s!
I enjoyed this segment. "Since I had my haircut, I can't afford to take you out." Well-done interchanges, on both light and heavy topics. You continue to keep a living atmosphere going, whatever the backdrop.
Very nice.
JBC

Hi Sherilyn, This was very convincing of the 70s, a treat to go back there and to another view of the times. I thought you handled the alternating perspectives well and especially the scene Connie's parents. At first, the sentence, "I was so preoccupied..." seemed a little stilted. Maybe it could be said with his jolt. Also I noticed the repetition of sentence beginnings, "She..." in the first chapters and in Chap 4, paragraph 5, the two sentences starting with "With." But with some smoothing out, this is an engaging story. Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Sherily,
Happily re backing.
:-)
jim

Sherilyn,
Chapter 5
Avacado draperies. Yep, the 70s. I liked the roommate interchange. On the Saturday morning when we switch to the POV of Douglas, I think we need one of the pronouns changed to better orient us, even though it is anticipated. And maybe some of the references to the nation's fuel shortage crisis could be generalized. Since it's been established, something like the current state of things might suffice in some places to avoid too much reitition--since our mind's naturally generalize as we muse. But those are simply nits. I enjoy feeling comfortable in a book (its wholesomeness). I always value a noble spirit. I read a book by literary agent Donald Maass that despite the downward spiral of morals today, people still wish for the MC to be noble and forgiving. I guess, they wish to identify with what they'd like to be.
Nice job. I'll pop back again.
JBC

Sherilyn,
First chapter: An exceptionally pleasant boy-meets-girl segment. It's both wholesome and real--very nicely described natural attraction with immediate underlying tension due to their different outlooks. There might be one too many references to her lashes (just one). I will read more and comment more. Very eloquent writing. Found no nits whatever. Thus, I can start by offering 5 stars. And I'm pretty sure further reading will move me to bump that up. Thank you for your patience. I wish we had more books like this here.
Regards,
JBCampbell

Sherilyn,
Your prose is beautiful to read. It is smooth flowing with well chosen words. Your dialogue works well, moves the story on, as well as builds the characteristics of Connie and Douglas. Well done.

BACKED

I wonder if you could take some time to look at God of the Cocoa. I would love to know what you think.

Thanks, and best of luck. Keep writing, You're brilliant.

Marilyn

Smooth enjoyable read. The descriptions are well done and easy to visualize, along with the words you use to describe the characters and their dialogue. Marvelous. The pace is one of the better I've seen on this site. You show you are an experienced, well-defined writer. Good luck!
Joel Juedes

I'm still reading your novel. It is well written. It's a wonderful book to read on a Sunday afternoon. Thank you for sharing.

Well it is not often that I come across something so obviously heartfelt and yet written so well. Usually one precludes the other. You have the skill to carry this and the personal faith to have your own feelings strongly behind. Excellent.

BACKED

Hi Sherilyn, Douglas winning Connie over Blakely is suavely told and evokes all that frat and ambitious lifestyle. The dialogue is telling and the scenes show the barriers over which Douglas gets the girl. I liked how the financial optimism of the time is wound into this. The synopsis' emphasis on the harder times is certainly a pull into the book. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Finally back for that read! I have read the first chapter and I think you have picked an interesting time-period and probably one that is not always chosen for these sorts of books. I am a Christian and as a girl I read alot of romances. I do think--and I hope you were wanting honesty--that your opening paragraphs need more zing. This is where the reader is grabbed. I think that many who are flipping through a book and the opening is the sky, trees and building--then about the girl's academics--they might not go any farther to find those wonderful characters that you are developing. This is just a thought for you to consider--maybe making Connie have something happen to her--or her to do something stupid or or or....you see what I am saying and you will know if this is right for your story.
Well done.
Barbara

I really like what I have read so far. You have crafted a most interesting storyline and your character development of Connie and Douglas is well done. Your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very nice, Sherilyn. :-) Love the genre, the premise, the everything.

many blessings!
jim
jack & charmian london

You provide us a Christian romance story with an intelligent plot rooted in reality and fascinating characters. Your imagery is exceptional. Your dialogue sparkles. Your writing is polished. Backed.

It's extremely romantic, with the ball and Connie in her pink dress. You capture the self-dramatising of youth, even to Tchaikovsky playing in Douglas' mind. To Connie it seems the worst thing in life is that she might not see this stranger again. Yet we know from your pitch there'll be misfortunes.
Excellent dialogue, believable characters and a lovely ambience. backed. Lynn

A great spiritual commentary. Good dialogue and an easy flowing writing style. Backed!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Sherilyn
Just wanted to say I finished what I could read till you put up the rest. Great book Sherilyn. I have already commented and backed your book. BEST OF LUCK

Denise
The Letter

Dear Sherilyn, I re-read chapters 1-5 again & the only thing I'd change is to cut the longer paragraphs in two. Otherwise, you have nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. I feel this way about 17-20 also. God is the answer. :)
Love, Susie :) p.s. I've given you a lot of time & I've told my story the way I'd just be talking to you - everyone talks differently - hope you'll back my 2 memoir books - written from my heart with Jesus' help for sure. :) Thanks. :)

oops backed again

Dear Sheryilyn
Just a thank you, I have finished the read , thought he book is not finished. I have commented before, and taken the time to back but the backing i cannot see, so I am doing it again.
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

Great story, great values weaved into it!
One of the things that impressed me was how it all felt aligned in time and place. Because of the difference in character it makes the story real and believable. You feel to have a great story developing here!

Very intricately planned with appropriate conflicts between material life and spiritual dedication. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

A residing yes
Helen

Hi Sherilyn. Part of my purpose on Authonomy is to back Christian writing that I think has merit. To that end I’ve read parts of your "A Dream to Share" and backed it. I think it would do very well targeted at a teen or YA market. The writing is straightforward, and I didn't seek any technical weaknesses. "Coke" should be capitalized, though.
My other purpose here, of course, is to support my own book, so I invite you to take a look at “The Job: Based on a True Story (I mean, it’s bound to have happened somewhere)”, a parable of suffering and struggle told through humor.
Thanks,
Craig Davis
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=19440

This is so wonderfully image rich. Your descriptions are flowing and lyrical, truly beautiful. I have to agree with Carl below, though, long sentences used sparingly can be a good thing, but it's best to mix up the sentence style as best you can to prevent readers becoming lost in the middle of a long block or falling into a subconcious rhythm and not really reading what's been put in place.

That aside, I stand by my first thought: beautiful wirting, engaging premise, and definitely a lot of talent.

Backed.
Abi xxx

I really like this story and there is an important message behind it, but i do think it needs an edit. Some of your sentences are just far too long. For instance, look at the opening sentence. It's 31 words in length with just one comma. The fact is, you write beautifully and there are lovely descriptions here (exhilaration in her veins like champagne.Nice!) but I don't want your style to impact negatively on the story. It's a really good story, with bags of potential but I would seriously consider that edit to simply some of your sentences. Obviously, this is just my humble opinion, but I hope you might consider it.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Beautifully written and the plot run smoothly at a good pace giving the reader time to draw upon the theme. The characaters are very well portrayed and with depth that the reader begins to feel so much a part of the great story.

Admirable
backed for sure

Dear Sherilyn, I love your phrase, "seek God's will & obey it" - that's where it's at in life - we're created for His purpose & plan & pleasure. :) Hope you write more books lifting up Jesus as the Way." Than you. :) God says, "Job well done, good & faithful servant, enter into the way of the Lord." Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

Enchanting read. Backed with best wishes, M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

This is a really good read, like paula says us Brits are nosey and like to see how you Americans live.
The prose is cofident and easy to absorb.
Very happy to shelve such fine writing.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

A fascinating look at American lifestyles for us Brits and very well written. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Hey Ms. Kay. I do like your short pitch and your Christian-based idea. But I think you can edit down your long pitch into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a good story. I think it covers well the difficulty that can arise when young couples plan their lives too rigidly: first an educaiton, then a good job, than a house, then kids . . . and the problems that arise when outside influences interfere with those plans. You have good characters in both Douglas and Connie. They're both likable altho different. I think you'll find a wide audience for this book as many young adults recognize themselve in either Douglas or Connie. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Sherilyn! I like the aura of the seventies that I'm picking up. It has a great feel. I had a guy, that I met in 1979, with blue eyes and dark hair... he went off to college. He was smart, serious, and very black and white in his attitudes. I think Douglas is like that too. I like the implication of hidden passions inside of him. Connie is bubbly, and has a short attention span. She is young. She sees something in Douglas, a drive that she lacks that attracts her. I think bringing these two together is a complicated challenge, and yet I see the possibilities in this first chapter. A few things; one, the first paragraph was all right, but the sentence in paragraph three 'she had drifted in aimless academia for two years; now, motivated to achieve...' This sentence stopped my flow. I need something more here, at least a 'academia for two years; but now she realized that she had to get motivated...'
Also, when he bumped into her, the moment of impact when they first meet. That sentence too needs a little more. A boy bumping into the girl can have a lot more fun infused. This is physical contact. This is two strangers, startled into noticing each other. Give me more. Other than that, there were a few entertaining sentences that I liked as well, like...'Oh, Horrors, you must have crashed at first sight.' Good one. Thanks and good luck!

Hello Sherilyn, Thank you for letting me review your writing. I've only read the first chapter but I'm having a little bit of trouble with your characterization. I think you are trying to make Constance seem as you describe in your jacket "an irresistible free spirit", however the thoughts she has make her seem shallow. Then you present your hero as more mature yet he is immediately smitten with her appearance alone? The way they meet in the cliched "bump into each other as the library" unfortunately reinforces the lack of depth and meaning. The ideas of the characters (free spirit with a more structured hero) is great but unfortunately its not translating well in the first chapter. Some ideas to improve may be to have them meet at a sorority charity fundraiser so you could still show her fun side but also give her a little more likeability to the reader? That would also make his attraction more believable. Definitely keep writing though, I like the premise.

I think you have nice prose that moves the plot. I think you have a readable style.

Some of your words choices are anachronistic. They don't create atmosphere as much as define the author's age.

I think you struggle with parallelism.

I think you vacillate in your verb tenses.

I think your dialogue is hollow and affected. It advances your plot and does not enhance your characterizations.

I think you need to hear your words in the mouths of the characters. You have to put the words in your narrator’s and characters’ mouth and see if they fit. Do they slip and slide and slather out like spit on a blouse?

Hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.



Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

Sherilyn, I think I mentioned before that Romance fiction is not my genre, but I couldn't help but be impressed by your writing! You've done a great job and you are very descriptive. Well written. Backed! :)

I am impressed with this work. There was a certain eloquence to the 70's. While some kids were running hippy wild in the streets, hopped up on drugs there were also innocent young people in universities trying to cling to the Christian American values their parents instilled in them. Pepperdine University had just been built in California, Harding Universitity was going strong. Young men and women were more open than their parents, but they also had a special kind of dream big innocence. You've captured this era very nicely, making the setting subtle but realisitic. Your two MC's are well done, and your writing craft is very good. I think some people may pick at you about your dialogue being stiff, but I was alive during that time and young people were either stiff or hippy free and easy. There was quite a social devide.
I know you are a Christian woman, but I would advise against making that point in your pitch. The reason being that it suggests that your writing has a decisive Christian bent to it and some people looking for a good romance might pass your work by, believing that it has Bible thumping as a theme, when in fact, your book is strong on morality, but is a cut above where romances tend to be, almost literary fiction. I think all people would benefit by it, not just those looking for a good Christian read.
Best of wishes...Kudos on a job well done.
Dawn De Remer ( Golden Moon)

I am impressed with this work. There was a certain eloquence to the 70's. While some kids were running hippy wild in the streets, hopped up on drugs there were also innocent young people in universities trying to cling to the Christian American values their parents instilled in them. Pepperdine University had just been built in California, Harding Universitity was going strong. Young men and women were more open than their parents, but they also had a special kind of dream big innocence. You've captured this era very nicely, making the setting subtle but realisitic. Your two MC's are well done, and your writing craft is very good. I think some people may pick at you about your dialogue being stiff, but I was alive during that time and young people were either stiff or hippy free and easy. There was quite a social devide.
I know you are a Christian woman, but I would advise against making that point in your pitch. The reason being that it suggests that your writing has a decisive Christian bent to it and some people looking for a good romance might pass your work by, believing that it has Bible thumping as a theme, when in fact, your book is strong on morality, but is a cut above where romances tend to be, almost literary fiction. I think all people would benefit by it, not just those looking for a good Christian read.
Best of wishes...Kudos on a job well done.
Dawn De Remer ( Golden Moon)