Witch Princess : Book One of the Vael

Dear Readers, I've had many questions about why there is so much underlining, so I will leave a note for any further inquiries.

I wrote this story in manuscript guidelines. It calls for all italics to be underlines and not italics. So when I uploaded here, I didn't want to take the time and change it all. Too much time and effort.

I've copy and pasted all the helpful notes to my word processing program and have begun the editing process (again *shudder) 3/20 prologue and chap 1 updated. i went ahead and counted the "ly" adverbs minus family, fly, and only, and there are only 987 "ly" adverbs out of 69,366 words. not all that much really.

And keep those specific question/critiques coming. I can always use the input! =D

As for the part names, they come from The Wiccan Rede as written in Green Witchcraft by Ann Moura (Aoumiel).

Bide the Witch's law ye must,
In perfect love, in perfect trust.
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill:
An ye harm none, do what ye will.
What ye send forth comes back to thee,
So ever mind the Rule of Three.
Follow this with mind and heart,
And merry ye meet, and merry ye part.

Wow, you sure can write! I usually dislike prologues but yours is short, sweet, and powerfully written. Your descriptions are some of the best I've read on authonomy. I was hooked. The first chapter took a bit of time to get my attention after a gripping start, but your natural talent for writing held me long enough to get into the story. With that, my only real suggestion is to consider how you begin chapter 1. Otherwise, this is a very solid start.

By the way, the cover for this doesn't do it justice. Great story, good title, dull cover. I'd consider making a new one or finding someone who can help you make a new one.

Mandy,
Wary of Harry Potter imitations, I ventured into "Witch Princess" and found a unique tale that can stand on its own and enthrall the most cynical of readers. Alice is a sympathetic character worth cheering on as she champions the cause of the elves against malevolent forces. You have an eye for the descriptive word and it shows in the way you paint scenes and action to flesh out your plot. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean
.

This is blood and thunder ! Reminiscent of the olde worlde sword and sorcery, expounded by the inimitable Robert E Howard, Lovecraft, et al. And why not ! I believe a full circle has been turned - gone are the cozy tales of English folklore synthesised by those such as Tolkein and Lewis. Back again are the rollicking, bludgeoning tales of high adventure of Hobbs and Martin. I enjoyed this. It brought back memories.

A very enjoyable and entertaining read! The plot, characters, and setting were all enticing. I had a hard time putting it down. Backed and rated with pleasure.

Backed Witch Princess : Book One of the Vael. I found the character of the dark entity (love the name) to be forceful and terrifying. Really set the stage for what was to come. Good job of switching from prologue to first chapter. Totally different feel from the dark side to the light side/ from evil to good. My friends CC Brown authors of Dark Side suggested I check out your book. They know I like fantasy. Hope you will find time to check out their book.
Kat51

Hi,
I backed your book, because I found the raw energy of your work appealing. It needs work, but I think the basics are there. The problem I've found with a lot of Fantasy writers on this site, is the eagerness to bombard adjectives at every conceivable moment, almost as if the fantasy genre requires this. Thus, subtletly is cheerfully tossed out the window. and any balance between 'show' and 'tell' is lost.
Your prologue seems to fall into this trap, and could be whittled down considerably. Also, from whose perspective are the walls shaking ferociously, and who is sickened by the waves of power ?
Tone down the emotion, and let the reader decide.
Alogethor, a story told in traditional style, reminiscent of the early Robert E Howard fantasy books.
Good luck !

Kenny Hill

Gave you a heavy star-rating and you are still on my shelf.

Dear Djinnia,
Read on to chapter two. I think this story has great potential. I'm sure many who enjoy the fantasy world would really enjoy this story. You say you are looking for critques and comments so I have just listed a few that I noticed as reading. They are only suggestions, I am by no means an editor, but you may find some of them useful. With the first paragraph of chapter one, I wonder if it could read something like this instead.

Taren watched the girl with interest through a small gap in the dense lilac bush.
Her cream coloured skin glowed in the warmth of the sun, her copper hair held up in a ponytail, blazing every now and again as the light shone sporadically through the trees. Her silver, teal eyes, seemed happy yet tempered with sadness, and he couldn't help but wonder why. The long white skirt she wore fluttered in the evening breeze, brushing her ankles.

Taren mesmerized by the girl, began to creep away from his hiding place, but discretion pulled him back as he realised just in time what he was doing.

Cheers, and best of luck with your writing Jacoba

This was a really enjoyable read- chapter one really engaged the reader from the start. After Alice and Taren meet the tension between the character's kinda fizzle out and the action scenes aren't enough to continue to carry the story to the end. Pretty well polished- some minor typos I ran across- in Chapter 20- "But (what?) gets me is that girl..." and in Chapter 22, first paragraph "...question Curian s (as?) to where..." Best of Luck to you. Desi

looking to swap reads

Steve kemp

I like the scene much better with sound :) good job!

Wendy
January Black

So I only read the first two small parts so far. My advice, reading all the descriptions of the chamber's ruin, and then of the fey man's near solidification and escape, I'd have to say your description of what he saw was totally inadequate. Give a little detail, just having him say it's been 5000 years made all your detail work in the beginning stop like a road bump. And what about how he feels, seeing what has become of his world? His hatred for his old enemies, even what he feels as he looks for a victim. He states he wants vengeance, but truthfully I don't see or feel for what. Maybe a line or two about what he lost, and how it was to lose it. How he's felt all this time imprissioned. Is he honor bound or blood thursty.

And as for the little snap shot of a fairy spying on a human, I loved the green sparks. Absolutely loved that whole part. But then you lost your POV. I know, not POV. I hate to hear about it myself, but what I saw at the end of that tiny part was the change between third person POV and Omniescent POV...or at least I think that's what it's called. Going from your human's head into the land of an all knowing detached party. A wise woman recently put me to task for doing just the same thing.

Well, that's it for now.

All my best,

Mike

Dear djinnia, I just wanted to offer you my support, to the fine book, that you have created, by captivating, the mood perfectly, [to tame the garden], such attitude. But I am no critic, just a lover of books. And yours tamed me to the point of chapter four, and a half. A fine modern spin, on a tale of more than one meaning. Good luck for the future. Until we meet again. Cicuta, [Carl, Arcane].

Beautifully written, with wonderful descriptions setting the scene to the smallest of details. I love the characters and the intrigue they instantly create on their introduction. This seems like a very interesting story with some very original ideas. I really enjoyed what I read.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Chapter 2 - I'm liking the characters - even the house has character that was so clearly (for a fantasy fan) faerie that it was in and of itself enjoyable.
'but when she did, it is in a forthright manner much like her mother.' - should be 'was' instead of 'is'
Alice doesn't seem to talk like a teenager...'forgo the pleasure' is something (IMO) a teenager would almost never say, even one with that kind of vocabulary, unless there was some quiet sarcasm there that I missed. Unless you intend to develop this as kind of a character quirk... :)

The beginning is very visual...you have put us into the middle of a quake, but I'd like for there to be sound. I'd also like to recommend a few word substitutions:

Paragraph 2, change "fallen" columns to "ruined".
Paragraph 3, change "tentacles" to "tendrils"

Paragraph 4, I think all you need is "how long have I been sleeping." also, last sentence says the seal is too strong to break, but in paragraph 5 he moves away from it? Where is the seal? Is he still trapped behind it? It just confused me a little.

Paragraph 5, consider cutting the the quote to "show me," and then in the following paragraph explain that the mirror shows him all that's happened since his imprisonment.

Last paragraph, consider, "Yes...I can use him."

Thhis short chapter is all I've had time to read so far, but Im keeping you on my WL. This little bit is a perfect hook. I'll back and read more, hopefully comment again. Good luck!

Wendy
January Black

Chapter 14

This is clearly a magical place with even a simple guard able to control a bird by the power of thought, and then the guard can fly. I read on another book a comment that we should avoid starting sentences with too many ‘…ing’ words. I was worried since I do this a lot as do you. Maybe he was just being awkward. Your descriptions are good especially the one about the braided hair.

I did not notice any nits and I enjoyed what I read. I wish you luck with your book and I will back it with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

l shall back this because t is written very well and set out with good style...
read SEASONS...

Exciting beginning to what sounds like an epic book! Your descriptions add to the tone very well. Definitely going to read more. (Though it may take some time)...and backed. :)

I've read through chapter 3 so far, and I am very much enjoying it! Your style is beautiful and often bordering on poetic but never impedes the progress of the story itself. I fully intend to keep reading.

just the sort of book I like!

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

This is very interesting so far. Good writing, nice job with dialogue and character thoughts. Keep up the nice work, and good luck with this. Shelved.

Leigh
If you have time, please consider reading "Lies That Bind" and backing if appropriate. Thanks.

Hi, browsing the site and came across this novel. I only have time to give you one tip and that is to avoid 'embedded dialogue', ie, lines of dialogue each followed by mention of the speaker's expression, body movements, mood/emotion, how loud they've spoken, etc. It has the effect of cluttering up the dialogue and the reader has trouble concentrating on what is being said. The characters may even appear to be having wild mood swings if it carries on for any length of time, and it is something that will trigger an automatic rejection from an agent.
If you check out a few novels you'll see that most authors have short sections of dialogue separated by prose/the pov character's thoughts or interpretation of what's going on, and often with just the occassional s/he said tag so the reader doesn't lose track of who's speaking.
All the best,
NaomiM

Dear Djinna,
Nothing is better than a well done fantasy of faeries. I love them and yours are quite cleverly drawn. I also appreciated the education on Wiccan. Best of luck.
Caroline

WITCH PRINCESS: Book One of the Vael
Mandy Springer

At last. A story with a teen girl who is gentle, sweet and more like a real young lady. There is none of the nonsense of a self-serving, ego driven young person, so frequently depicted in YA stories today. In my opinion, Alice is a true heroine. That alone is refreshing. I have read only four chapters thus far, but I can tell this is a winner.

I intend to go on and read this book and the second one you have posted here as well. The story is that good. I am one who believes the story is of primary consideration. Editing can be done to make any adjustments that occur from free-style writing. It's akin to skating on the surface of an ice pond where the spins and jumps follow in no set routine but just flow from the skaters feel for the music that plays in their soul. That is how I see what you have written. It's lovely and pleasant. I long to be in that enchanted forest.

Congratulations on this achievement. I am backing it gladly as I have no critique to make. Witch Princess stands strong and well crafted.

Thank you most graciously for backing A King in Time. I sincerely hope you had a chance to read enough of it to enjoy what I have hoped to do.

Mary Enck

An intelligent, fascinating fantasy. You skillfully captured my attention, and then my mind. Relatable characters. Authentic dialogue. Accomplished story telling. Artful writing. An inviting read. Backed.

I like the simpleness of the story and the quiet way it draws you into it. You have a pleasant meandering style of writing that is comforting to experience. One thin gI would question is the data dump about the three unsuitable houses. The family didn't choose them, we don' treally need to know why so I'd just delete that paragraph since all it does is clog the flow of the rest of the story. Just a simple sentence stting this was the fourth house because the other three didn't work is all you really need.


I liked it. If i can get the time I'll be back to read more.
S.J.

Just started reading this but I'm hooked already. I will continue to read and comment more, later. Kudos~
~K. McCracken
What the Heart Wants

Mandy. As this is the first book of your series, I felt best to give this a read. I liked the start, but characterisation is key at this point. Ch.5 makes the story come alive more. Skipped to ch 12 .... I am still reading so let you know of other thoughts. However, I really like it, and will give more time to it tomorrow. BACKED.
I know you do not give automatic responses, but I would appreciate any thoughts on my childrens' book called Paperbats. Thanks. Jerry [paperbat]

I agree with the comments that Jenny has made in that your story is engrossing and enjoyable but could just do with a little tightening. I did like the fast pace of the introduction and the fact that you launch straight into the story and the description of your characters. Your pitch really attracted my attention too. Backed
Rachel

Hi Mandy,
I enjoyed reading some of your book. Good characterisation and some excellent description.
Watch out for repetition in chapter 29 -- 'human girl' and 'the traitor'.
'fazed her not the least' is followed by 'her effervescent nature was completely suppressed' -- this sounds like she was pretty fazed.
'became a puppet of her former self' -- do uou mean that she was controlled by her former self (like a puppet)?
'releasing the deep breath she took' -- awkward
Loved the coloured spheres.
'One moment they were then gone' -- typo
'with a slight smile of accomplishment' -- you don't need slightly. Can one smile slightly?
'half horror and half fascination' -- you don't need the 'half' -- horror and fascination is enough.
This has considerable potential. Well done.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

An enchanting story from the get go. I like the way you wet our curious nature right from the start. From what I read, I didn't see anything major to complain about. As with most stories, it never hurts to continue to tighten you work with every rewrite (mostly on the pitch). But other than that, what I see here holds great possibilities. Backed.
Jenny

See, the thing is, you've made me like Imdion and care about Ura, so I don't like the thought of her ending up with Ruxyu, that's why I'm arguing for something else to happen. It's all your fault, you've written them too well.

:o)

KA

Hi ME. A big slab of comment for you, I did all that thinking and writing because I like your book enough to back it, and think you have what it ntakes to write a publishable book. I hope it's not completely indigestible. I'm trying to be honest and helpful with my comments, but sometimes I think I am as sublte as a steam-hammer.

Your book seems very much it's own thing, not at all obviously derivative, but still written in a way which respects the tradition (I feel that way about mine, which means there isn't much to compare it to, which means it can be easy to lose one's way). If you look at the critique that sam241 has given me (in 3 instalments), you can see how much help I have had from sam, never mind the others.

Please feel free to ignore as much of my comments as pleases you. I have tried to think in a way that will compliment what you have already done, but if it all seems wrong to you, then it is all wrong.

I'll put book 2 on my watchlist, it'll be about number 28... What sort of attention do you want me to give it?,

Hi ME. I liked most of it. You write well enough for it to be no problem to read all of it.

But:

I am not too keen on the deus ex machina approach, gods should give characters problems, not solutions, as in Greek tragedy rather than comedy. The solutions should come from the hero, or else how do we know they are a hero? It doesn't matter if they fail, either, as long as they fail gloriously (Hector at Troy, for example). Alice should have a much harder time when she finds she is leaving her family behind - this should tear her in two, especially as she is young and loving and her father has just had a heart operation.

I would also like to see more skulduggery, more treachery, more of an imbroglio, more misunderstandings, more jockeying for position, more Laurence-Olivier-does-Richard-III-type villainy.Some grotesquerie and darkness for Alice to shine against.

I think that Ura could fall for Imdion (as she has kind of loved him since they were kids and her betrothed is a warmongering ass she can now se in his true colours), and that Imdion, although he adopts Alice, might kind of fall for her. Tension, suspicion, nobody wants to think ill of the other, but there is something going on... That would give a couple of interesting love triangles to make life tricky and to help justify some of Alice's deceptions and temper. I'm also not sure that Taren should survive. Mean aren't I? For the victory to be meaningful to the reader, there must be a cost, the greater the cost, the more the victory means. Imdion and Ura can go off to the island, Alice can visit her parents to say goodbye. She has lost her first love. It isn't to say that it will be her only love...

As Bleekness always says when he hits me over the head with his critical hammer - "just one persons opinion."

PS as far as typos go, there weren't too many, but you mistake hoard for horde a couple of times. I didn't do a full on proofread type read, as you said to think about chapter 28. If you want, I can go back and look for all the typos, but it'll be a while...

You haven't backed Blood Sisters, I would have thanked you, and I just checked all the messages between us. Have you looked at it? Please tell me what I do wrong.

I do like what I have read to date. You have crafted a most interesting storyline and your character development of Alice is well done. Your imaginative writing ensures that your fantasy will have a broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Interesting dilemma for holding your plot together. Well done. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Mandy,
Witch Princess: Book One of the Vael is an epic and fantastic account filled with adventure. It appeals to readers of all ages who find escape in the fantasy genre and can imagine the lands created in the author's imagination. Backed with pleasure.

Backed!

Sounds like a great story! The stakes are high and the tone in the pitch good. Love the first three lines. They suck the reader right in to read the rest of the pitch.

If you could take a moment to look at TEMPEST, I'd be very grateful! Don't feel obligated to read if you don't have time though, even a backing would be good!

Dear Mandy,
You certainly have an active imagination, Wtich Princess: Book One of The Vael, is a charming fantasy novel which I'm sure will do well with YA. Your pitch is great, I only found a error in your synopsis and I quote: "Kidnapped into the Vael by Imdion, Alice finds out there is more than just Imdion and the Chae to worry about, there is an evil coming to "tear" the very fabric, I think this should be "tare" the very fabrick.
Have shelved and backed and will definitely return with further comments once I have read.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Certainly an original story, with many intriguing elements. I thought that sometimes you over-described a bit, as in the beginning when you describe her skin, her eyes, the rose bush, etc. I just felt that it stalled the pace a bit and really, was too many details for me to take in all at once. I think to choose one or two vivid details is best. Every object doesn't have to be a certain color, or in a certain condition. Allow the reader to imagine some of it--it's part of the fun of reading! Aside from that, an occasional punctuation or grammar lapse but really, an excellent job. I believed the characters from the beginning, even in the fantastical setting, which says a lot. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Mandy.

Well, you have everything that a young adult will lap up like a cat with the cream! It needs some polishing and you're missing some apostrophes, but generally you have a great first draft. It keep the reader hooked and I thoroughly enjoyed my read.

I wish you the very best with this unique story!

Kind regards,

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Great descriptive earthquake sequence, and of course a real menace is unleashed, the hook that kept me reading. A good premise and plot. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Sorry it took so long to comment after backing. I love anything Fairie. This has real potential. I love your MCs, they're interesting and the story is a good one. Good luck.

Exciting start. It reminds of the saying of Meyer (co-founder of MGM) when he was telling executives what their next film should be: to paraphrase; "What we need for the next story is to open with an earthquake and build to a a climax."

I had quite a few notes but looking down I don't think I had anything not already covered. SUffice to say that you write beautifully and tick all the boxes for an excellent narrative.

AS a father of four and an English teacher I can tell you that my experience shows this would be a hit with the reading young adult scene.

backed.

Reading 28 and 29 as per your request. I'll make suggestions as I read.

Consider this rewording 'When he saw her, his surprise was reflected in his voice'. Then consider whether these two work well so close together: 'she interrupted viciously ... she asked fervently',

I like this a lot, 'Like a tornado, the magic coiled around Imdion and Ura, swirling faster and faster'.

As I don't know what came before, I'm guessing that Alice is acting out of character here as she gathers up the other people in the name of 'Them'. There's some very nice imagery with the glamour and the sparks.

Reworded, 'Listening to her words to Imdion, the traitor's lip curled', you could use 'his' and 'her' a bit more often where it isn't confusing.

'Fear-laced eyes met his', nice. 'She merely became a puppet', yes, that was the impression I got. Another dazzling display of magic on the beach. Imdion: 'I don't need to see it again'. Something awful about to happen? Hm, a large chunk of terraforming, and some teleporting. An island beyond time. Then a skirmish, and they recognise the traitor ... who? Chapter 29 closes with a hook guaranteed to make the reader turn the page (which of course I did) ... backed.

Wow i love this. Its like a cross between star wars and the wizard of oz. Great idea, great concept and would love to read it soon. This is me backing you.
Xenton- W.M.

This is a well-written fantasy. It moves slower than I usually like, but that's just personal preference.

One thing that confuses me is that neither of Alice's parents seem to know she's a Wiccan. It's not something that you're born knowing (or is it?) so how did she learn it without her parents' knowledge?

I like the way Taren grows and shrinks as he moves between the faery and the mortal worlds, and I like the way you've thought about the consequences of that - for instance, when he's six inches high, he can't shift the stone that Alice buried.

Backed merely on the fantasy plot of witches, also it is written very well and easy to read and follow.
Best Wishes

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

I love it. I really do. At first I thought it started out descriptive but without a hook or anything developing I was starting to find my mind wondering and then it got really interesting. The last paragraph promises a plot, action, characters becoming heros ad villians - everything I love in a book / film. I'm excited to read on, although I never read much of online stories because all my novel time gets taken up with book reviewing for sites. Maybe I can make an exception.