The Adventures of Pappy Jack

There's a lot of fun and excitement in this, but I'm puzzled what market you intend it for? You say children 8-12, which makes it middle-grade, but the story is told far more often from Pappy Jack or Harold's viewpoint than from Little Jack's. Little Jack doesn't seem to do very much or develop - he seems like more of a prize that the adults are competing for. Which is not to say the book has no market, but that it reads much more like a fable directed at adults, about reconnecting with family and finding what's important in life. There are some sweet moments, like Connie's tenderness with Harold, that speak far more to an adult reader, and perhaps you should aim the book specifically at adults. Just my opinion, but I do read a fair amount of children's books.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, yes I loved this. not read it all but will at some point. The pitch was riveting, just riveting. I am over the moon, yes. Not normally this wow. Anyway, this book is not just for the younger but for us oldies also. Wonderful characters that are still in my head and want to play some more. You have all the components of a best seller in your genre. CONGRATS...BACKED for sure.......If you would review 'The Letter' and give your 'comments' and 'backing', I would appreciate it. and BEST of luck.

Denise
The Letter

Fantastic work. This is children's fantasy at its best. You don't lose the target reader with long words, but nor do you exclude other older readers with its simplicity. It's the kind of thing I'd buy, despite being well outside the target age :D Best of luck, and I look forward to more from Pappy Jack.
Abi xxx

Keep writing what makes you happy, Ashes, and you will go far! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

The writing is exceptionally suited for the age range you were reaching for, it's not overly detailed and lets a child's mind roam in their own imagination. I find Pappy Jack an incredible character that any child would adore. I think you've reached what you were looking for in this book and congratulate you for it. This has been shelved.

Josh (Shadow Man)

To all who've made it this far: thanks a bunch!

Many people have commented on my lack of scene, descriptions, things directors wish to know. However, I wrote this exactly how it is on purpose with a premeditated intention of leaving off the crisp detail. Why, you'd ask me, why?

Because although I wrote that there is a door to the kitchen, a stove and a light, I went no further.
So what did your brain do? Did it go 'that's it; I don't know if I need to admire this character's taste in home decorating or be of the opinion SOME people have no imagination or taste. I can't finish this, I can't.'
No. This story moves on dialog, people's actions, expression, emotion. 'This kitchen it's all happening in, so vague I see a ghost of my own kitchen rather than the one the author tells me to see.' If this was your thoughts then DING, DING, DING! You've just experienced reading as a totally different medium separate from TV and it's vividness that allows the imagination to put in it's notice for an extended holiday since it's not like the work will be piling up nor will it be missed much.
But back to the story and that ghost of a kitchen resembling yours: I want to give only just enough for the reader to begin to weave the story's world in patterns like theirs. I want kids to see it happening in their very kitchen, their town, perhaps even their family.
Ah, but I'm an odd duck, aren't I? Possibly abrasive too. So sorry, comes from spending the bulk of my time alone in my head. Promise I'll schedule some time out of my head to learn how to talk and behave amongst others.
Anyway, I know it's something new, my style, but since I've been complimented despite it(unless you've all been doing nothing but fluffing what I'll one day realize is an unsalvageable lumpy pillow) it works.

Oh, this is the only critique I'll hotly dispute; the rest undoubtedly quite correct.

Ashes2jewels

Hi Ashes2Jewels,

Pappy Jack's adventures are off to a fine start, showing strong characters, lively action, and a colossal imagination. Without reading more than you've posted here, I have to back it for originality and talented story telling. I can't let you go, though, without a bit of nit-picking.

--Expand your hyphens to indicate dashes (--), or insert real 1-em dashes (Insert, then Symbols if you're using Microsoft Windows).
--Capitalize Dad, Mom, etc., when addressing them. Use lower-case when only referring to them, as in [look up at his dad].
--Your first chapter is pretty long. I suggest you break it into two or three chapters at points where the reader will feel compelled to go on--"cliffhangers."
--Go back and fill in a bit of scenery, body language, and other information that a film director would need. I've heard writers call this "layering."

One other thing. I'm delighted that you backed "Annabella and Other Stories," but since the book is listed third on the site, it doesn't stand much chance of ever reaching the big desk. So I hope you'll look at "The Doctor of Summitville" and back it if you really like it.

Thanks again, and good luck with Pappy Jack. --Bill

Original and charming. it think this book works well.
I'd title it Pappy.
Good luck with this book.
A Zoomer
Going Out in style

Fun story for kids. I like Pappy Jack's character, very finely drawn. Can't find anything to criticize as I'm not used to childrens lit. Seems polished enough to me. Backed and all the best,
Darren (House of Reptiles)

Hi Ashes, thanks for your sound criticism. I'm sure you're right I'm just a bit hesitant about using colons, but there's always time for yet another edit, right? Hope your book does well it deserves it, and childrens books have got to be among the hardest to write, I don't know if I'm brave enough to try even though I've had three of my own, children that is. :) Terri Douglas.

Hello Ashes, thanks for your comments, if you get the time please let me know what the typo's are as i thought I'd checked and checked again about a zillion times.
Read your Pappy Jack, I love the idea, I didn't realise at first this was a childrens book and that being the case I personally feel you should expand the characters a bit more, some paragraphs at the begining were a little disjointed, but that's only my opinion, and what do I know. Overall I liked it a lot and will back it as soon as I get the hang of how this site works. Sorry still getting my head round it. Terri Douglas.

A charming, finely crafted, well written and entertaining read. Your excellent use of imagery coupled with the use of short paragraphs for the most part makes this a perfect book for your target audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

It is easy to see how this could appeal to your target audience. Almost like the invisible friend concept that most children have in their early years. I have nothing to add to previous comments. No doubt like me you will read and re-read your own writing until exhaustion sets in, just to make sure you can't make it any better.
Cheers

Malcolm

"Why are you all the time talking about suspenders?" Why indeed! Only a belt man would ask that question. Nicely done. I'll read more when I get a little time. Shelved for now.

That's not clear is it? No Little Jack was half awake and thus too tired to think a simple flip of a switch might help him. Gotta fix that cause if you missed it, little children will too.

Most unusual. Have added you to my book list. Can't wait to read more.

My eight year old loved little Jack's story.

Backed.

Intriguing and original. Backed

A grandfather who turns up from the dead! Wonderful.
And he's not an egg cooking zombie, so that's pretty good.
I like the fun in this.

You know suspenders, the things that clip onto pants, cross over the back and go over the shoulders to clip on the top of pants in front. Don't know what braces are, is it an English thing? Mind dropping a note to tell me about them?

Ashes2jewels

Hello Ash. This is an intriguing concept and a fun story. The relationship between Jack and Pappy Jack is well built. Just a little query, do you mean braces or suspenders? Wish you the best of luck with this! mariecapri

Hi Ashes2Jewels, I liked this premise and enjoyed Pappy Jack’s appearance. The dialogue about Pappy having said there were no zombies – good! His adventures and then his trying to rescue the toy elephant from the lioness at the zoo – just the sort of eccentric adult that delights children. Loved his refusing to get old. Although a few lines of dialogue went past me, most of it was entertaining and the parents being bamboozled was too. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is why I came to Authonomy. As a children's writer I wanted to find great quality work within my genre and to see how other writers approach the age group I want to target. 'Pappy Jack Chronicles' is just terrific fun and I just love the character of Pappy Jack. Your dialogue is sharp, amusing and perfectly accessible for the young reader. I certainly hope you add more of this story as I would be keen to keep reading. If, and I don't know why, I do have a slight issue it's with the title. It's not a big thing but 'Pappy Jack Chronicles' seems rather clunky to me. 'The Chroncicles of Pappy Jack' has a much more appealing ring to it for me. Of course, that is my humble opinion and very, very minor. It does not in anyway detract from the quality of your work which I love.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Hi,
Like what you have here. It sometimes seems a bit forced and compacted. Let the stories flow. Pappy Jack is an excellent character and should be allowed out to play!
More of Harold too he can't be as stuffy as he comes across in these 3 not with Pappy Jack for a Dad!
Good sense of dialogue. More description of Harolds house and also more of Connie.
These put a smile on my face :)
Thanks for that
Diane

Dear Ashes2Jewels, I love fantasy & comedy. :) May God give you wisdom to finish it. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Adorable! Each and every character is enchanting, The yound readers and all those young at heart will be fascinated with this story, the characters and the way you spin this tale. I coundn't stop smiling throughout. Backed with pleasure.
Rakhi (Sir William...

Hi, Ashes -

Granted, I'm several decades older than your target audience, but I found your book irresistible.

More than happy to back Pappy Jack.

Best of luck here, and I would love to see what you think of my book.

Thanks.

- Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

How can anyone not love this? It's charming, funny, and a delight to read. More important, it sends a positive message. Very well done. I'm proud to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Cool zappy zany and zippy...jack's adventures
cheered up my day.
No nits spotted...Shelved
mikegili The Free

This is great, a funny, colourful original book which children in its target age range, and most grown ups, will absolutely love. Pappy Jack is a marvellous hero, and the rest of your cast of characters, Little Jack, Harold and Connie, are also lively and vivid and likable. I loved Pappy Jack in the lion's - or rather lioness's - cage, throwing kitty treats to distract her attention, and then saying 'I,' which the elephant mistook for 'Hi!' and began to trumpet, attracting Shesheba's attention. Pappy Jack kindly buying Shesheba the pink elephant is a lovely touch. Your writing is so funny that it's hard to notice anything else about it, but it's also smooth and professional, and your stories have plots which are full of action and adventure; as well as excellent descriptions which bring your settings to life. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

My niece loved this, she caught me reading it and snatched the computer off me, that's gotta be a first.

When I asked her to comment on it she just said 'WICKED', so I guess you'll have to be satisfied with that.

No, really it's a great adventure story for the little uns and if my niece is anything to go by it will certainly keep them interested. She read all you have posted.

Happily shelved

Melxx

Hi -- I think children will enjoy this. It's an original and delightful set of stories.

Your pitch is very confused, with repetition and change of tense from past to present, so so I've tried to help --

Meet the family Trihn. There's Connie, the mom who rules the kitchen with an iron spoon and thinks her family should only eat healthy. Then there's Harold. Harold is, well, the only thing to be said about him is that he is the dad of the house and a belt wearer who sneaks a twinkie now and then. Next in line is Little Jack. At eight years old he's always on the hunt for forbidden junk food. Life in the Trihn house, as you can see, is normal old boring.

Until Harold's long lost father Pappy Jack comes back. To Pappy, every day is an adventure. Harold wants him gone but Little Jack wants to keep him. Can Pappy Jack keep his adventures in control so he can stay?

Come and find out but remember: grab hold of your suspenders or you just might lose your pants.

I hope this is useful. Please ignore if you wish.

Best wishes, Barry

Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I like stories for children that portray older adults in a positive light. Here, Pappy Jack is certainly that. He may not have the best manners in the world but he's fun to be around and that's a great hidden message for children. Your dialogue is great. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is so clever and a real treat for any age group - you have a real gift for dialogue that is down to earth and realistic. BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

What a good premise for a story. Children will love reading this

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Love all of this, story, style, fresh and entertaining, backed Maggie P

With my grandson called Little Jack you get my vote for that! These stories show great potential for their intended audience. Illustrations? I'll try them out on the grandkids at the weekend, they are used to being my guinea pigs. Regards, Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

A really fun idea, with good characters. The writing itself? It might be helpful to sketch in a scene, eg. let the reader know who's there. eg first scene/kitchen, your dialogue isn't tied to a particular person, so, 'Ahh!" is this the old man or Jack? Then, 'Mom!" this is obviously Jack but - where's the mother? Did she enter the room behind Jack or step out of the corner? 'A hand ...' obvious his dad is (now?) in the room too, how, I don't know.
Also useful: go through and check POV. You shift from a general Little Jack's POV to ..omni (eg 'The poor boy...'). If you're in Jack's POV it would be 'Jack ...'
'That was from back.... last he saw of her' (this is Pappy's POV not the boy's).
Later you go into the elephant's POV (Unfortunately the elephant thought he saw 'hi'...) so I'd go carefully through the whole chapter & sort that issue out.
I had one question though I'm not American: isn't Pappy a bit too Popeye? ie rather old fashioned? I could be wrong.
Also, for children's, I think your chapters are too long. I'd definitely break them up. With editing, this story will shine. All the best for it. Backed.