Watch Over My Life

Engrossing read. The pacing is fantastic. Your dialogue is believable never forced. The best chic lit I have read in a while.

Athena
The Raven and the Wolf

Watch Over my Life

Impressively clever dialogue driven piece of great writing!!!
You develop a great sense of tension between Jessica and Jake; this is chick-lit genre writing at its very, very best. I think how you have structured this, and with your writing style this has just moved to the top of my massively growing appreciation of this genre. - Good luck

WATCH OVER MY LIFE:

Laura-Ashley,

You have cleverly set up a perfect conflict which is the driving force of this beautifully written chick-lit romance. Your two main characters, Jessica and Jake, both have their strengths and both have their flaws, characteristics which are essential for creating tension and anticipation in a romance. Great dialogue and smooth flowing prose, emotion and passionate love, are all elements that make this a must-read for all chick-lit romance fans.

Backed with great pleasure,
Sheila (Pinpoint)




In the last paragraph of the pitch you left out the word "be".

This is so well written from the pitch through the first four chapters but I want more!!! Edgy and spot on dioalogue make this such a smotth enjoyable read - I'd buy this - my kind of book! BACKED with pleasure

Liz
The Cheech Room

It's very romantic, in fact the beginning is like a fantasy - I mean someone fantasizing, not sci-fi. And it's written in a straightforward, no-nonsense style though there's a smooth flow to it. The dialogue especially is natural and contemporary, which is probably the most important thing in a commercial book. Please don't take that amiss. You haven't set out to write a work of literature, have you? I think this could be very popular. Backed. Lynn

RCG review:

Short pitch: I like it. It’s what drew me in.

Long pitch: This is good too although I think you may give too much away. Not convinced we need to know she’s dying … hints at this are enough and more importantly make us want to read to find out what is so wrong with Jess.

Plot: Hints at an explosive story … and one I want to get to the end of.

Pacing: Great pace to this story. It moves along wonderfully but not too fast and that’s good because it allows the reader to catch their breath.

Spelling/grammar: Definitely needs an edit. There are a few misused words, missing words, typos etc … I would have to read it again to actually point them out to you. Have to confess I was enjoying the story so much, I didn’t take any notes (my bad) but if you want a detailed edit on this … let me know. Although, many of the errors I saw have already been mentioned below.

Dialogue: Excellent, actually. Nothing to criticise here at all. Well executed, realistic … particularly like the banter between Jess and Jake … The chapters toward the end, C10 comes to mind … very powerful in places. Dialogue tags? A different matter .. she said, he said are usually enough. Maybe a change up now and then but simpler to keep to she said, he said etc ... that way the reader is not bounced out of the story by over-descriptive tags ... jmho :)

Voice/Style: I think this is where you shine. Even though the MS needs a really good edit, to bring out the essence of your story and get rid of excess wordage, the VOICE absolutely kept me reading … well done.

Characterization: Very believable characters. You have created characters your reader can identify with, have compassion for and empathise greatly with … can’t ask for more.

Overall, Laura- Ashley … you have a potentially great story here, once you have made your final edit.

Genre style a little confusing ... Certainly chick-lit and better than most I’ve read. Lit-fic …? Not really but that can be changed easily. Definitely romance and done very well ... loved the sex scenes ... Also have to say how funny this is in places ... especially the scene in the meeting-room - Lord, men, eh? Anywhere, anytime, anyplace ... LOL.

Really enjoyed my Sunday afternoon read. Thanks :)

Highly starred for its great potential.

Lynn

1) Pitch The tense seems to change so it doesn't flow, though the content grips me as an avid chick lit reader. Young successful book editor...this sentence doesn't make sense.
2) Plot. I found it hard to get gripped in Chapter one, I wonder if careful editing could make this chapter tighter. the humour and fun emerges in later chapters.
3) Pacing. I think this is a proper Mills and Boon style romance, not lit fic or chick lit. The pace is fine for me as a reader.
4)spelling good, nothing jumps out.
5) Dialogue need tightening up - she explained, Sharon continued, jessica answered. Jessica grunted, rolling her eyes. Just rolled her eyes would do. Although the grammar of the dialogue is correct, I am distracted by your variations of 'said'. The dialogue itself should have be gripped, not the words around it if you see what I mean!
6) Voice/Style Some clunky lines - the young receptionist, named Sophie, sang through the phone. The description of Sophie's eyes in Chap 2 is excessive. also in chapter two it could do with being set out in longer paragraphs.
7) Characterization The friends relationship is quickly established, and the history with Jake too. From the pitch I would be keen to know what goes wrong for Jessica.
On refection, the steamy bits probably too much for mills and boon, ha!
Best of luck with this, it has huge potential! let me know when you upload more.

Jo

The writing here is enjoyable and quick and easy to digest. So much so that I read everything posted as I wanted to find out more about Jessica’s illness and where the story was going there. Was sorry we never got to see that far. Was surprised one of the labelled genres isn’t ‘Romance’ since the thirteen posted chapters surrounds a girl-boy relationship. The label of ‘Chick Lit’ AND ‘Lit Fic’ was confusing. The latter doesn’t serves the story in any way.

Main critique: Jessica and Jake, despite both being successful professionals, behaved and interacted on a level that felt teenagerish or early twenty-something. I didn’t see the maturity of adult professionals in them—or in any aspect of the story, in fact. I’ve read a good few examples on this site of young writers trying to portray adult professionals in main characters evidently beyond their scope. Problems with verb tenses throughout the story need addressing.

Critique aside, you have a straightforward and engaging writing style that gives this story great potential once you decide whether it’s for YA or adults and tailor your characters to suit. I really enjoyed your writing and I hope that came across in the fact that I read all your chapters.

Watch Over My Life RCG Review
1) Pitch: I really loved the pitch. I was interested right away and it made me want to read the book, so great job!
2) Plot: I like the storyline presented in the pitch, but was unable to see how that played out in the actual story as I stopped at the end of chapter 7.
3) Pacing: I thought that flow of the work was good; didn’t seem too rushed or too slow.
4) Spelling/Grammar: In Chapter 1 you wrote “made her want to rip his close off” instead of “clothes off.” In Chapter 2/“once upon time” instead of “upon a time.” Also Chapter 2, “cool air over the moister.” Think that should be “moisture.” Chapter 2/As her “bother” would say? Chapter 2/gazed at her so “intensity.” Maybe “intently?” Chapter 2/She knew she was his “pray.” Should be “prey.”
5) Dialogue: I thought you had a good balance of dialogue with narrative and I felt it all flowed and seemed perfectly authentic to the circumstances.
6) Voice/Style: You seem to have a great spirit that comes out in your writing. I found myself smiling at Jessica’s inner thoughts on more than one occasion, like “christened the whole house with your hotness.”
7) Characterization: I like your indirect or implicit characterization style and I thought Jake, Jessica and Sharon were well-developed.
Overall, it was easy to read and I enjoyed it.

This is a really good read. I started in the middle. I like your characters and their type of relationship. totally wondering where it will end up. I have a feeling it will be a heartbreaking tear jerker.

It's very well written. No mistakes (in case you were wondering) :)

-Aliah
Her Demise

Love the cover and the short pitch. Not too sure about the long pitch though. I must say once i started to read the book I was surprised how well it was written. iwas on Chapter 3 without any hesitation and ejoyed everything about it. I especially like the last line in Ch 1. My only suggestion there is perhaps put that line in italics He has my underwear. Well done Highly starred and hope to come back for more!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Wham bam and we are in there with the 'hot male flesh' and the love/hate thing! Highly starred and I will be back for more. Hot, pacy and a pleasure to read - Frances K

Laura,
Love, love this. Get us right into the story and excited about the next line. Great opening and closing hooks for chapter one.
Only caught one typo, 'rip his close off,' should be 'rip his clothes off.'
I've promised everyone on this site to exchange reads but will definitely be back to read more.
Good luck on your writing.
Janet

If I was asked to classify this, I'd say chick-lit. There's a lot of fun, sex, relationship and best friend banter in this. According to the tags a tragedy will occur in this story so that may change the feel of the story.

One thing I've had to work on is the contractions and how not using them can make the writing sound formal, so I now tend to notice I will, instead of I'll, I have instead of I've, You are instead of You're etc. Introducing contractions can loosen the writing and make it (especially dialogue) sound more natural.

You have developed a strong chick lit feel. I like that Jess is always thinking about her one night stand but that when he calls her to his office she proves she isn't subservient, great chick lit touch with the way she teases him, denying the underwear is hers. From the information in the pitch I'd be interested to read on and see what (other then the work environment) cause trouble for these two and what part of Jessica's past comes back to cause problems.

Sorry no time to read at the moe, but have given you a return backing in appreciation of you backing mine, much love x

Loved this. Wish I could buy it - need to know what happens in the end.

Dismal grammatically. Excellent and popular premise. Easy flow to your writing, and you obviously enjoy it. Which means you need to dig deeper, raise your own bar, as it were. I understand there is something called a 25 line test and I believe as it is, it would fail. The beginning is a cliche and when one reads on, it annoys me be because you could obviously do better. You have talent. Dont fob it off.

Dear Laura-Ashley

I came across your piece much by accident, and put it on my list of reads. First impressions? What you have uploaded here is good. Your characterisations are lively and well drawn, your plot feels realistic and your ideas flow easily.

I think you could do more with your long pitch: tighten it up and watch your tenses. Think about what most excites you in your story and put that in. And there is room to tighten up your ms, for repetition and to clear up an excess of internal dialogue...but that is only editing, and we all have to do it. I hope you keep writing, because your likeable prose, refreshing and uncomplicated, is a welcome addition on Authonomy.

All the best, Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

I have read all you have posted and enjoyed the basic story. It is as old as time...the attraction to the boys that pick on you. I like how Jessica is insecure in her feelings, still reflecting on the childhood date that went awry. I like the personality of Jessica and the description...she definately grew into a beautiful woman that Jake can't resist. The scene of her brother in the office for the surprise visit was priceless. I can imagine the horror that Jessica felt being put in that predicament. There are some spelling mistakes "prey" instead of pray, and 'discomfort' and not 'discomforted'...and several times I feel the insecurities are a little to repeated. But all in all it is a great story just needing a few tweaks here and there-a good editing.

The long pitch should be a little less confusing, and more to the point, the short pitch drew me into giving it a read.

Good luck...
Wendy

Engrossing read. The pacing is fantastic. Your dialogue is believable never forced. The best chic lit I have read in a while.

Athena
The Raven and the Wolf

i'll be back to read your chapters later, but i like to play with people's pitches. i thought your short pitch did a good job to pique my interest but your long pitch seemed a little too long and repetitive and contains several cliches. it doesn't give me a clear idea what the story is about. i'm putting my comments in caps.

Even when Jessica Connors was a child she despised Jake Willams. She hated everything about his womanizer ways. HE WAS A WOMANIZER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD?

So was she feeling okay, because she just had a one night stand with him? DO YOU MEAN WHY WAS SHE FEELING OK AFTER HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND?

That one night stand leads to [many surprises.]- THIS IS SO VAGUE I'M NOT SURE YOU SHOULD INCLUDE IT UNLESS YOU PLAN TO EXPLAIN WHAT THESE SURPRISES ARE.

She never stops hating him until his [charming ways] -A LITTLE TOO MUCH LIKE WOMANIZER WAYS become [too much for her to handle]- VAGUE having her [weak at the knees]- CLICHE until she realizes she is giving him [something she couldn't believe he always wanted ]- UNSURE WHAT YOU MEAN one of those things being her heart.

Her life becomes [everything she has ever dreamed of.]- CLICHE

But [dreams don't last forever]- CLICHE, do they? [Someone wakes you up] eventually.

And when [someone wakes Jessica up] she is greeted by a past that is determined to haunt her, resulting in her being forced to reveal something she had firmly planned on keeping to herself.- THIS LINE IS REALLY CONVOLUTED

But [Jessica doesn't want to wake up from her dream-filled life,] THIS IS THE 3RD REPETITION OF THIS METAPHOR AND I DON'T THINK I GET IT and she can be pretty damn stubborn. She hides the most devEstATing secret, because she refuses to shatter the dream of the one man she cannot live without - even if it means sacrificing hers.- THIS LAST LINE CONFUSES ME THE MOST. I DON'T SEE HOW IT CONNECTS TO THE REST.

try this: (or don't. it's just my opinion)

Jessica Connors has always hated Jake Willams. He's a shallow, arrogant womanizer and she finds him despicable. Even after they have a one night stand.

But then something changes and he begins to seem charming and even lovable. Without meaning to, she falls in love and ends up getting everything she never knew she wanted.

When a secret from Jessica's past comes back to haunt her, she is forced to choose between shattering the dreams of the man she loves or sacrificing her own.

..............i dunno. you have a better idea what your story is about. i hope that was helpful and not just annoying.

Not my usual read but clever dialogue kept me hooked :)

Very well written. I have rated and plan on coming back for more
Red

Your interaction between the characters is engaging. I like the concept of this well written story. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A compellingly dramatic romance. Plausible characters. Excellent character development. Great blend of dialogue and narrative. Awesome plot. Impressive writing. A riveting read. Backed.

Dear Laura-Ashley --

While pretty much everyone we know has done the walk of shame at some point, we don't know anyone who'se had to do it at their office. :) You have a terrific start to your story. Jessica's confusion is palpable, and made worse when Jake calls her up to his office to retrieve her things. You provide some nice back story in chapter 2, defining the old relationship between Jess and Jake without pulling us out of the action. The scene in Jake's office is very amusing and believable, although we worried for Jess playing such a dangerous game -- and that, of course, kept us reading. Chapter 3 offers a look at Jess's current lifestyle, which we thought moved along quite well.

Our only suggestion at this point: take care with clarity in descriptions. For example, in chapter 2: "There was a mysterious look about Jessica's eyes, with her features in general, and somehow it caused people to want to get to know her." We didn't really get a sense of Jessica from that -- do they want to know her for her beauty? For the mysterious little smile always playing about her lips, for the tip-tilted corners of her (color) eyes that always made her look as if she's laughing to herself? This is, of course, simply food for thought.

We're enjoying Watch Over My Life for the relationship dynmaics and for Jessica especially -- we like her self-confidence. Thank you for supporting The Long Black Veil and bringing us over to read you story. BACKED. -- Delhui

Dear Laura,

And congrats on an amazing book cover which is the first thing to attract your potential reader. Your pitch both short and long really prompted me to read your work and I am so glad I did as it did not disappoint. So well crafted with characters that just popped into my head and did not want to leave.

BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine so I may improve my skill, and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Dear Laura, I love your touching romance - you put me right their with your heroine. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

feel sad for jake. i was hoping that jess will still be alive. but this is very well-written. hope to see your new work
soon

WATCH OVER MY LIFE: Cic-li often gets put down as a genre. This boo shows that when it is written well it can hold its own in any field. Jessica is a great character. He impefections and faults amke her human and believable. Many romances end up with perfect people i an imperfect world. Your book has a core of rea;ity running through it that makes the whole thing believable.
The dialogue is natural and flows from the lips of the characters. The inner conflicts of your MC work well. This is a witty piece of writing. Good luck

Rev Raven Scott (Love is a colour too & Coming ready or not)

Wonderful, E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles bookone

Error in your pitch "she can pretty stubborn" - should there be a "be" in there?

That aside, this is a wonderfully engaging piece of work, witty and vivacious. The structure and writing style are sound, and my only recommendations would be an edit for grammatical errors, such as missing commas before direct address "Good morning [,] Jennifer."

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

The Ying and Yang of a person's internal conflict - you have written it beautifully. Your story is finely crafted, well paced and the dialogue is tight and highly realistic. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb - especially that of Jessica. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Great piece of craft!!! Lovely.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

This book wil really make you think!

Believable dialogue, well written and I love that last line in chapter one! Ha!! Backed

this story is well written. kinda feel sad that jess has to leave jake. but i really hope jess will wake up.....

Wow, this is a very emotional but very well told story. Simply captivating. Pregnant after a one-night stand, then finding out she has cervical cancer. "Christ, what is it with you people and thinking that I am jealous? I'm not jealous, he just annoys the hell out of me." Uh-huh. Nice writing with a lot of realistic dialogue to carry it along. It's well told but a little sad knowing that she's going to die in the end. I'll come back to this when I get a little more time. Shelved for now.

Hi Laura-Ashley, I hate chick-lit as a rule but I enjoyed reading your story, and so I have backed you. For a start, it's well written and makes for a smooth and easy read. Your characters are likable and strong and your dialogue is realistic and convincing. I'd never pick it from the bookshelf but I felt my time was well-spent.
Well done,
Best wishes, Barry
Little krisna and the Bihar Boys

Nice - I love stories that revisit a haunting past.

This is a truly beautiful story. I had a feeling it would be after just reading the first three chapters. So, I backed it before even finishing it. But, I just finished it today and I have to say, it really is a beautiful story! I actually cried! I completely fell in love with Jake and Jessica. I loved the ending but, I can't help but wish it had been on a happer note. Then again, that would change the story. The only thing I can say is that I wish the story had been longer. I would like to know more about both of the main characters. Have a few more scenes of them together. Maybe a scene where Jake had a reason to be jealous over her. I don't know... I just cared so much about them that I felt like I didn't want the story to end. I will be keeping you on my shelf.

Very, Very well done.

Tina

This is a v v good read, dilogue is real, vibrant and i Have to say I skipped to the end chapters to read them instead of the beginning and they are powerful. The conflict work well but so does a happy ending !

backed 100%
Clair
Left Behind

Watch Over my Life

Impressively clever dialogue driven piece of great writing!!!
You develop a great sense of tension between Jessica and Jake; this is chick-lit genre writing at its very, very best. I think how you have structured this, and with your writing style this has just moved to the top of my massively growing appreciation of this genre. - Good luck

Hi Laura, There’s comedy here along with the relationship that was meant to be stopped, I think. At first, I wondered how she could be working with a man from her childhood but then, I wondered what drew him to her workplace. Jake does sound like a cad, perhaps making use of her at work so that breaking the rules in the office could resolve things. Jessica is anxious with Sharon but she’s pretty playful with Jake. Sounds like a steamy love-hate. I liked how the dialogue brings out the characters. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Great storyline which you portray fabulously... I wish you the very best of luck. kind regards pinkcoffee

This is a wonderful story careful crafted with polished charcters and diolouge. C W Shelved.

Haha a great first chapter, i really enjoyed this. I like the witty undertones and her voice is very believable. I think readers will relate to her!

Needs a little editing, the main thing that sttod out to me was dialogue: when you have speech there is never a full stop unless it is the end of the complete sentence and the dialogue tags don't have capital letters.

For example:
"You're sick, Jake." She spat.

should be

"You're sick, Jake," she spat.

Hope this helps!

Backed, best of luck x

I think you have a great plot and I like how it reads. I think the pitch could be a little more concise, but otherwise is a promising work.

Misa Rush
Family Pieces

gripping pitch. well writtenXX
adding to my WL to read later
abi
The small Print

You've got a great chick-lit read here. Your breezy style of writing sets up the awful situation she finds herself in with aplomb. Your lovers in conflict at the get go makes me want to keep reading to see if the fall in love, or not.

Found a little typo: 18th para: hdh instead of had.

Good luck!

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

WATCH OVER MY LIFE:

Laura-Ashley,

You have cleverly set up a perfect conflict which is the driving force of this beautifully written chick-lit romance. Your two main characters, Jessica and Jake, both have their strengths and both have their flaws, characteristics which are essential for creating tension and anticipation in a romance. Great dialogue and smooth flowing prose, emotion and passionate love, are all elements that make this a must-read for all chick-lit romance fans.

Backed with great pleasure,
Sheila (Pinpoint)




In the last paragraph of the pitch you left out the word "be".

HE has her cell phone and her underwear. Well, she'd better retrieve them.
Previously backed -- one copy-editing note, be careful about verb tense changes in mid-sentence. If you use the past pluperfect, e.g. had done, as opposed to did, then you need to watch the sequence of tenses. If you use the grammar check on the Word program, it should pick up most of these niggling errors.
Great sense of humor, interesting characters, plug ahead!
Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

I like this. It is easy to read and flows smoothly with a likeable MC. I enjoyed the humour in it and I will look forward to reading some more when I have time. I am more than happy to back it and I hope it does well for you.

Best Wishes

Anna
Always the Bridesmaid

This is a brilliant story, romance and comedy mixed beautifully to give us an exciting, gripping, entertaining story. 'Sweetheart...Those aren't mine,' is a line I'll remember and laugh about for a long time. Jessica is a feisty, smart, and very likable heroine, and her experience with Jake is excellent. As you move your story on, we can see a romantic plot developing here which anyone who likes romance will love. Jake is an attractive, exciting hero, and a great foil to Jessica. The sparks fly between them and hook us in to read more. Your writing is good, clear and fast moving. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I like your story. Not exactly what I was expecting. Very well written. If I had one complaint, it's your opening line.

I bet I've read 100 intro-line on Authonomy alone that start with
"(Generic Female Main Character) sat (generic place) twirling, stroking, twiddling, looking through, with her long/stringy/ringlet/ auburn-raven-snow white-fiery hair. Or her hair blowing in the breeze... etc.

It's a good intro, but very overused.
Small nit-pick, but many would agree that your opening line can hook, or lose a reader right away.

Shelved!
Dan
Demons and Other Inconveniences.