Book Jacket

 

rank 255
word count 43407
date submitted 31.03.2010
date updated 23.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Comedy, ...
classification: adult
incomplete

The Incredible Layla Moon

James Rainsford

The comic and irreverent story of an amazing child, with remarkable and ultimately, terrifying powers.

 

A black and compelling comedy, telling the outrageous story of Layla Lucrezia Moon, a highly intelligent, manipulative and charismatic child, whose origins are deeply enigmatic and mysterious.

It relates Layla's life story from conception to adulthood and details her many trials and tribulations, as her unusual talents slowly emerge to affect all who surround her.

The book shines a humorous and penetrating light into many profane and sacred arenas, particularly, the worlds of education and religion. It is a zany tale, which satirises the vanities of wealth, privilege and earthly ambition.

Subtitled 'An Entertainment' and definitely written for an adult and mature readership, it aims to divert and delight all those brave enough to enter Layla's dark and demonic world.

This is my second novel and is nearing completion. Further chapters will be added if readers find Layla's story of interest.

If you comment on my book I'll try to reciprocate asap. I'll also back all books I enjoy reading.

I believe that a book is like a mirror. If an ass peers into it, you cannot expect a person of discernment to look out.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

adult erotica, adult humour, amusing, black comedy, black humour, childhood, comedic, comedy fiction, comic, comic fiction, compelling, corruption, cr...

on 92 watchlists

211 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Beginnings

 

The Incredible Layla Moon

 

An Entertainment

by

James Rainsford

 

 

Layla Lucrezia Moon entered the world at precisely 6:00 a.m. on the sixth of June, 1996. Many would later assert that the time and date of her arrival were highly significant, since her birth occurred on the sixth hour of the sixth day of the sixth month.

This fact alone was sufficient to convince the gullible that she was marked for a life of evil from that very moment. They undoubtedly would have been even more certain of her demonic origin had they also known that she had been conceived at exactly 6:00 p.m. in room 666 on the sixth floor of the Hexagon Heights Hotel on Kailua Bay, Hawaii, where Joseph and Mary Moon, her ecstatic parents, had spent their idyllic six-week honeymoon.

Others, less easily influenced by the mystical nonsense in the Book of Revelation of St John the Divine, became reluctantly persuaded of her satanic powers by her subsequent deeds.

However, at the very beginning there was nothing to indicate the scale and nature of the events, which later were to make her so notorious and universally feared.

Her first appearance in the small, yet fabulously well-equipped delivery room of the maternity suite of Saint Vagina’s private birthing clinic was a joyous occasion, filled with optimism, hope, gratitude and the relief which usually accompanies a successful and trouble free birth. Even Ramona De’ath, the senior midwife and Damien Brimstone the consultant gynaecologist on duty that evening agreed that they’d rarely witnessed such a swift and trouble free delivery.

Mary and Joseph Moon, Layla’s ecstatic parents, were excited and delighted at the arrival of their first, and as subsequent events determined, their only child. They were even more pleased by the easy birth and unbelievable beauty of their daughter. For without doubt, Layla was the most perfect baby ever delivered in Saint Vagina’s state-of-the-art maternity suite.

Everyone who saw her in these first few hours remarked upon her perfection. She never cried and appeared to smile when anyone came near. Dr. Brimstone was so impressed by her progress and obvious well being that Mary and Joseph were allowed to take her home the evening of the day following her birth.

Home was a newly constructed modern eight bedroom detached house in an exclusive development of six individually designed dwellings on a wooded hillside high above the deprived South Wales valley town of Abercwmtwerp. The Moons had purchased their impressive house on this new and prestigious development just two months before their wedding and had moved in immediately after their return from honeymoon. Their house, now complete and filled with expensive Scandinavian designer furniture and fittings, stood in four acres of wooded gardens at the head of a beautifully landscaped cul-de-sac called Paradise Pastures. It was in this luxurious and pampered child-centred environment that Layla passed the early years of her very eventful life.

To keep her amused and stimulated there were attractive mobiles suspended above her handmade Dreamland Brazilian mahogany cot. Her bedroom was full of the most expensive soft toys and colourful visual experiences to help develop her perception and imagination. There were mirrors, concealed lighting and subdued music to stimulate or calm her changing moods

Her every need was catered for by her doting mother and by Ingrid Johansson, the attractive blonde eighteen year old Swedish au-pair and English language student, who’d been interviewed and appointed by Joseph to assist Mary in her domestic duties. She also acted as a live-in babysitter to Layla, so he and Mary could continue to enjoy their busy and familiar social life.

This life, which prior to Layla’s arrival had consisted of parties, meals in expensive restaurants, visits to casinos, exclusive nightclubs and foreign holidays in exotic resorts, was funded by Joseph’s business interests in the timber and joinery trade.

Due to the tragic death of his father, Maurice, when he was unfortunately decapitated by a rogue band-saw in one of his own timber yards, Joseph had, at the tender age of eighteen, inherited a very large fortune and total ownership and control of his father’s considerable business empire.

This consisted of a timber importing company, four sawmills in Wales, two in England and Scotland, one in Ireland, a chain of fifty large joinery companies throughout the UK, which, in honour of his birth eighteen years previously, his proud father had renamed ‘Joseph’s Joinery.’  Most profitable of all, was his ownership of thousands upon thousands of acres of prime forest in India, Brazil, Norway and Finland.

By the time he first saw Mary at the poolside of the Pagoda Palace Resort Hotel while holidaying in the Seychelles he was a single, handsome twenty-six year old playboy with a large penis, extensive fortune and expanding business empire.

Mary, who’d been forced to accompany her wealthy Texan parents on their vacation to this Chinese owned exclusive beachfront hotel, was by contrast, just turned sixteen and bored to distraction by their turgid company.

She was instantly smitten by Joseph’s charm and stylish fashion sense. Until her meeting with Joseph she had lived what her parents had falsely imagined was a sheltered and protected existence as a pupil at Saint Teresa’s private Roman Catholic girls’ boarding school, in the secure and monitored grounds of the Convent of Our Lady of the Passion, located within a walled enclosure in an exclusive Fort Worth suburb.

Far from protecting her innocence, Saint Teresa’s was a cauldron of repressed and frustrated sexuality, which found unfortunate expression by actively encouraging the formation of intense lesbian liaisons between pupils and pupils, pupils and staff, and even worse, by turning a blind eye to the many girls regularly and systematically abused by Father Brendan Murphy-O’Malley. A fat, balding, myopic, middle-aged Jesuit Priest who served as spiritual mentor to both the nuns of the convent and the girls of Saint Teresa’s School.

For Father Brendan, his pastoral role within the convent and the school was the perfect appointment. It allowed him to indulge his sexual predilection for uniforms, schoolgirls and religious symbols. A powerful trio of erotic stimulants; providing him with so many opportunities to sin that he spent a large part of each weekend in self mortification and unanswered prayer.

It was in this environment of seething and rampant sexuality that Mary was, at the tender age of fourteen, first introduced to the intimate delights of lesbianism. Her twin tutors were Isabella-Consuela Diaz, a stunning black haired half blood Spanish senior prefect and Sister Maria Magdalene a young red headed and stunningly beautiful Carmelite novice on a years teaching exchange from the Convent of the Sacred Heart in the depths of County Galway.

For Mary, this early initiation into the many and various methods of lesbian gratification ignited an intense sexual fire, which manifested itself in a powerful carnal curiosity and a heightened awareness of her own attractiveness and desirability.

This obvious flowering of her sexual interests quickly made her a very desirable target for the attention of Father Brendan, who, after using his accustomed ploy of blackmail by threatening to expose her lesbian liaisons to her parents, introduced her to his vast and varied repertoire of fantasies and perversions.

By the time therefore, she was sixteen and on holiday with her unsuspecting parents, she was already an accomplished and knowledgeable sexual predator of considerable skill and experience. This, together with her stunning good looks, toned and youthful body and panther like grace, made her totally irresistible to Joseph Moon when he first saw her by the heart shaped pool which graced the fabulous tropical gardens of the Pagoda Palace Resort Hotel.

He initially noticed her lying on a lemon sun-lounger wearing a tiny black satin bikini. His eyes were immediately drawn to a small embroidered golden crucifix which was stretched to an erection inducing tightness across her prominent mound of Venus. Her bronzed lightly oiled skin shimmered with sensuality in the sunshine of this perfect day and with her long natural blonde hair, intense blue eyes, inviting and seductive smile, she was a vision of such rare desirability Joseph knew instantly that, if he could not marry her, he would forever remain single.

Mary’s parents, Chuck and Charlene Sherman were at first a little concerned at the obvious interest which Joseph showed in their beautiful daughter. At first, they considered him far too old and experienced to be a suitable boyfriend for her, because they mistakenly believed her to be their innocent and uncorrupted baby.

However, their initial anxiety quickly evaporated once they had made urgent enquiries. They were reliably informed by Walt Maverick an ex Texas Ranger now running the Maverick Private Dick Detective Agency in downtown Fort Worth that Joseph’s assets and personal wealth exceeded their own by a considerable margin.

Walt was a very reliable P.I. and when he phoned the Shermans in their luxury penthouse suite in the Pagoda Palace with his detailed report on Joseph Moon, they were delighted to learn of his vast business empire and large fortune. Their view of him as a potential suitor for their belovéd daughter changed instantly from one of horror, to one of active approval and encouragement.

In fact, within twenty minutes of receiving Walt’s call they had approached him with an invitation to dine with them and Mary that evening. 

Joseph had been in his usual position at the pool bar when the Shermans issued their invite and he was thrilled beyond belief to be given parental approval to meet their divine daughter. As he smilingly accepted he had a perfect view of Mary reclining by the poolside, sensuously adopting the most tantalising and provocative positions as she oiled her sleek body with expensive sun lotion.

Joseph, who’d spent the three nights since he first saw Mary, in such a state of sexual arousal that he’d been unable to sleep, was now, so hooked by his desire for this teen temptress, he’d decided no matter what the consequences, he just had to have her. 

Imagine therefore his delight, when just as he was struggling to formulate a plan to transform his fantasy into reality, he was provided with this unexpected opportunity.

The invite was for 8.00 p.m. in the internationally renowned Pagoda Palace’s prestigious restaurant The Terrific Pacific Prawn.

This world famous eatery was run by Marcel-Pierre Poulet, a three Michelin starred chef from Scunthorpe, who’d adopted his current nom-de-plume after he’d unexpectedly won a T.V. cooking competition.

His prize was to prepare the main course at a Gatcombe Park garden party hosted by The Princess Royal in honour of Mojobo Hippolado the President of Western Zargonia and attended by her mother The Queen.

He’d felt that his real name of Charlie Chicken lacked the gravitas demanded by such a royal occasion. His ex-wife Beryl, maintained that his subsequent rise to fame owed more to his poncey new name than to his dubious cooking skills.

She was cruelly dismissive of his talent and referred to his two great signature dishes of: Foi-gras with pear and walnut jus nestling on a bed of crushed caramelised swede and crown of Welsh mountain lamb in apple and cherry butter, with smoked Greek olives and black truffles, as ‘Pretentious Pate´’ and ‘Rip off Ribs.’

Fortunately, her contemptuous dismissal of his skills did nothing to depress his confidence, or affect his culinary arrogance, an arrogance which had served to raise the reputation of many mediocre chefs to the status of celebrity prima donnas.

As his fame increased, so too did his prices and popularity and he consoled himself with the knowledge that his ex wife’s food preferences and opinions had been nurtured and developed in her father Percy’s Pie and Chip shop where her taste buds had been destroyed by years of stale steak pies and curried chips.

None of this secret history impacted in the least upon Joseph’s heightened anticipation as he contemplated dining with Chuck, Charlene and their ravishingly desirable daughter.

In fact, any sensual dining pleasure Joseph may have experienced in the slightly kitsch atmosphere of The Terrific Pacific Prawn was totally overwhelmed by the almost unbearable proximity of Mary Sherman.

She’d arrived with her parents dressed in an iridescent cream silk backless top, black pleated mini-skirt, sheer black silk tights and strapless five inch stilettos decorated with pearls and jewel encrusted butterflies. Her long blonde hair cascaded across her flawless shoulders and flowed down her tanned and naked back with the hypnotic motion of a swaying cobra. Her crimson, perfectly manicured finger nails were adorned with tiny diamonds and her sparkling eyes were enhanced with iridescent blue eye-shadow.  

She was a vision of such heart stopping sexuality that Joseph was finding it difficult to breathe. She was blessed with completely unblemished skin, intense azure eyes, dazzlingly white, perfectly even teeth, and exuded female sexual pheromones of such intensity, that Joseph was grateful his obvious and rampant erection was hidden beneath the generous overhang on the Terrific Pacific Prawn’s pristine white linen tablecloth.

Subsequent to their discovery of Joseph’s considerable wealth, Chuck and Charlene were keen to encourage his interest in their only and most treasured child. Any slight initial concern they felt regarding the probable early loss of her virginity, was outweighed by the prospect of welcoming Joseph’s riches into their under developed Texan oil business. Consequently, they made no objection when he asked their permission to take Mary on an island hopping trip the following day in his recently acquired Riva speedboat, which was conveniently moored in the resort’s exclusive marina.

That night, Joseph lay awake. Not due to the delights of Marcel-Pierre Poulet’s expensive cuisine, but in feverish anticipation of the day he was about to spend in the company of the most beautiful and desirable creature he’d ever seen.

Mary too, was restless and relaxed herself with a particularly effective masturbation routine, only recently learned from Sister Maria Magdalene beneath the rough horsehair blanket in her somewhat spartan cell within the Convent of Our Lady of the Passion. 

She quickly achieved a shattering climax imagining how Joseph would enjoy her fellatio technique, which she’d practised and honed to perfection on the pathetic penis of Father Brendan in the dank and curtained privacy of the convent’s confessional. It was a skill she’d not employed, since she’d deep throated Miguel Ramiro-Mendoza, her parent’s part-time Mexican gardener and pool attendant, on the morning prior to her departure for the Seychelles.

Miguel, who was a forty-five year old illegal immigrant with a wife and six children to support, worked for subsistence wages and was terrified that unless he complied with all of Mary’s sexual demands, she would carry out her threat and reveal his illegal status to the immigration department. Her blowjob had been a rare treat, since she usually forced him to gratify her desires in ways which allowed him no opportunity to relieve his own desperate and intense sexual frustration.

Mary, who saw Miguel as no more than a convenient and easily manipulated sex object, was infinitely more interested in the prospect of sex with Joseph, whom she found much more appealing and attractive.

He became even more desirable the following morning when he introduced her to ‘The Spirit of Ecstasy’ his new forty-four foot, twin 800 hp Rivarama speedboat. Mary’s pleasurable reaction to the sight of this sleek and stunningly beautiful craft was matched by Joseph’s enthusiasm for her own fabulous appearance.

When she’d arrived, he’d been sitting on a low bollard beside his boat trying to appear casually nonchalant as he studied her approach down the long run of the marina’s floating pontoon.

She was wearing a white lawn shirt tied high on her right side, a short white and lemon pleated Dior tennis skirt, a pair of lemon coloured calfskin Prada mules and an Armani white and silver scarf draped across her tanned shoulders.

As she came closer, Joseph was aware that he’d never seen such a lithe and graceful girl. Her long legs were tanned and delicately muscular as she moved towards him with all the grace and poise of a thoroughbred mare being taken to stud.

She possessed a confidence in her own sexuality, which despite her tender years was buttressed by her extensive experience. The deadly combination of her apparent innocence twinned with her obvious awareness of the effect she had upon every heterosexual male between puberty and death made her totally irresistible.

By the time she finally stood before him Joseph was so excited by the prospect of being alone with her for the entire day he was momentarily struck dumb and missed his cue when she greeted him in her slow and slightly husky Texan drawl.

‘Hi, Joseph,’ she smiled. ‘Is this your boat? My, my, it is a big one, isn’t it? I just love big ones,’ she continued, sensuously licking her lips and focussing her full attention upon the obvious bulge in the front of his navy-blue Henri Lloyd yachting shorts.

Joseph attempted to moisten his own lips, but it was an ineffective gesture, as his tongue was as dry as a sheet of sandpaper in a microwave.

Before he could disguise his arousal Mary planted her long tanned legs on either side of his right thigh and slowly lowered herself until he experienced the almost unbearable sensation of her silk panties against his warm skin.

She perceptively applied pressure by gripping his leg between the oiled smoothness of her upper thighs and lent forward so he could smell the sweetness of her breath and feel her pert, naked breasts beneath the thin material of her shirt. Extending her small pink tongue and deliberately moistening her lips again, she brought her beautiful mouth to his right ear and whispering suggestively, ‘Are you going to take me for an exciting ride, Joseph?’

Just before he was able to ensnare her in his arms, she swiftly stood and took a couple of steps back, to assess the effect of her actions. She was delighted to see that he was so shaken by her unexpected embrace he was panting like an aroused dog in a hot desert and struggling to regain his poise and composure. Completely aware of his turmoil, she was in total control of her seductive powers and looked forward intensely to the pleasure she would derive from making him a willing and docile slave to her sexual favours.

By the time he’d recovered sufficiently to properly introduce her to the stunning delights of ‘The Spirit of Ecstasy’ she had readopted the irresistible persona of an innocent and naïve convent schoolgirl and flattered him with her comments and expressions of approval, as he pointed out all his boat’s very expensive fixtures and fittings.

Mary was the perfect audience for his demonstration of the Riva’s impressive features and as they left the entrance of the small marina he opened up the throttles to demonstrate the awesome power of the craft’s twin 800hp engines and glanced back, to where she’d spread herself across the curved cream hide luxury of the aft seat.

With her long blonde hair streaming behind her and her even longer legs parted just enough for him to have an entrancing view of her white panties, he felt more fortunate than a tom cat in a creamery.

They were headed for the nearby island of ‘Sainte Anne,’ an unspoiled tropical paradise, with palm fringed pristine white sandy beaches kissed by the gently lapping waves of an azure blue sea.

Earlier that morning, Joseph had arranged for a sumptuous picnic to be brought aboard. His large galley fridge now bulged with Marcel-Pierre Poulet’s finest selection of al-fresco fancies, including, pacific oysters, beluga caviar and Dom Perignon vintage champagne.

He was determined Mary should be as impressed by his good taste and refinement as she was by his conspicuous wealth.

With the Riva’s enormous power and impressive top speed the trip seemed to take no time. Joseph was soon dropping anchor in the calm of a secluded and deserted bay, where the water was so transparent, the sandy bottom was clearly visible some five metres below.

Once the boat was securely anchored and Joseph had silenced her huge engines they both changed for a swim before they ate. Being a gentleman, Joseph showed Mary into the fabulous forward cabin so she could change in private. She was pleased at this, as she did not wish him to experience the pleasure of watching her undress until the moment was of her choosing.

When she emerged Joseph was thrilled to see that she was wearing the black satin bikini with the golden crucifix adorned pants which had so intrigued and excited him when he’d first seen her by the pool.

‘What’s the significance of the cross?’ he asked, as his eyes were irresistibly drawn to where it decorated the gentle swell of her perfect pudendum.

‘Oh that!’ she responded, as she glanced down to acknowledge the object of his gaze. ‘That was embroidered for me by one of my friends at school.’

The friend had in fact been Sister Maria Magdalene her Irish divinity teacher, who’d given her the bikini as an Easter present to celebrate Christ’s crucifixion. Mary first modelled it before their mutual masturbation session using the large cream altar candles, which Maria had stolen from the locked candle cupboard of the convent’s Chapel of the Holy Virgin.

However, before Joseph could pursue the matter further, Mary descended the short ladder to the aft swimming platform and executed a perfect dive to enter the inviting water with scarcely a splash. 

It was much later that afternoon, when Joseph finally had Mary lying next to him on the queen size bed in the Riva’s luxurious forward cabin, that he discovered it was not only her bikini pants which were enhanced with religious symbolism. 

For, to mark Christ’s resurrection she’d allowed Sister Maria to dye her pubic hair red and to cut it into a scarlet cross, which matched in shape and position the one embroidered on her pants. Joseph, who possessed no knowledge of the dark and potential sexual power of the passion of our Lord, was easily persuaded to accept Mary’s account that her pubic art was simply the result of naïve convent schoolgirl enthusiasm.

Still, he did find the cross slightly disconcerting and it strangely heightened the intensity of his desire to imagine beautiful schoolgirls fashioning each other’s pubic hair into symbols of religious faith.

He may have been more seriously disturbed, had he known the real architect of this example of blasphemous art was Father Brendan Murphy-O’Malley, who’d ordered Sister Maria Magdalene to cut and die the pubic hair of all the girls who acted as his sexual acolytes and who’d been initiated by him into the darkness of his profane perversions.

Certainly, Joseph was the fortunate recipient of all the erotic skills and tricks which Mary had acquired as Father Brendan’s favourite pupil and by the time she finally left Joseph’s bed, he was, sexually at least, a much weaker, much wiser and much happier man.

Within six months of this first sexual encounter Mary had left school, Joseph had invested more than sufficient cash into Chuck and Charlene’s oil business to ensure its future success and he’d been fast tracked to salvation by a swift conversion to Roman Catholicism.

In less than a year, they’d enjoyed the most wonderful wedding on the vast sunlit lawn of Chuck and Charlene’s mansion on the outskirts of Fort Worth.

They departed for their honeymoon and the bridal suite of the Hexagon Heights Hotel with great hopes for their future. Not suspecting that the meeting of the egg and sperm which was destined to become Layla Lucrezia Moon would eventually lead to such profound and cataclysmic consequences.

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Lemony Good wrote 484 days ago

Ah, where do I begin.
I started reading this wondering if I was in for a nicely written reprise of 'The Omen'. How wrong I was. Within a few paragraphs I was pulled in by the explicit humour and amazingly realised characterisation. The intentions of these deranged personas, including those of Layla Moon herself, are always humorous; the nod at the corruption of the church is cleverly exaggerated (I hope) to a nicely comedic degree; and Layla, this twisted, demonic, conniving, blonde-haired little deviant somehow has the reader on her side. I started reading this and just kept wanting more and more.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that a reader can relate to Layla - we understand her actions but can't agree with them at all (poor Smokey). But for some reason I'm a little bit on her side. All in all, this book is compelling and entertaining, and overflowing with accomplished wit and intelligence.

Stec wrote 675 days ago

An almost flawless piece of Britsh eccentricty, this is beautifully written and goes off in wonderfully weaved, tangents of comic gold-dust.
The characterisation is beautiful and sheer deparvity of the sex manages to be both erotic and hilarious at the same time--the most difficult feat of all to pull-off.
Layla's victims, be they hideous child trolls or nasty children's party magicians, are a wonderful bunch of grotesques.
In the end though it is the writing here which is so accomplished. The best authonomy books make it all look so very, very easy--the literal equivelants of Sinatra's voice. This is most certainly amongst them and stands as a very accomplished work.

Sheila Belshaw wrote 779 days ago

THE INCREDIBLE LAYLA MOON:

James,

The names you give your characters and the maternity home and all the other establishments are enough to split your sides, and the tears of laughter have to wiped away from your eyes before you can carry on reading. Once dry again you keep scrolling down, entranced by the impeccable syntax and rhythm of your prose.

This roller coaster of a read is breath-taking in its richness of word-power, description, humour and fast moving action. Every sentence is a gem. The comedy and the black humour and the casually thrown in erotic references are mixed in with astute characterisation and exquisite detail of place and setting.

I would like to curl up on a soft sofa with this book and a large slab of chocolate and a bottle of pink champagne, and not move until I finish it.

Backed. Backed. Backed.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Rakhi wrote 733 days ago

This is brilliant. It is one of the most entertaining book I have read here. Your humor and wit shines through and I am in awe at the lack of dialogue and the brilliance of your narration. Even the eroticism wasn't overdone and thankfully indirect. The characters, their names, their deeds had me in stiches. Extremely tongue in cheek, fluid, sharp and original.
I may just read this again. Backed.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

mvw888 wrote 753 days ago

Refreshing and imaginative, unique and yes, a bit naughty...this novel has one huge thing going for it: no, not that---an element of surprise. Because it is constantly surprising, with its peppery prose and moments of humor, with its descriptions and commentary. The backstory of Mary and Joseph (although I think the names are too overt--what about Mary and Joe?) is like a freight train in its pace, details popping up like crazy. But I was firmly seatbelted in and willing to take the ride. Have to give credit when something is this original and well-written. You certainly have a vision and probably the chops to take it to the end. Wonderful.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

jlbwye wrote 61 days ago

The Incredible Layla Moon. Intriguing pitches - dont know if I'm brave enough to enter Layla's dark and demonic world, but am attracted by the entertaining comedy promise, so will give it a go.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits - hope you dont mind.

Love that quirky opening. But some words are better left out, and actually improve the flow by their absence. Try it with 'even' and 'also' in the second paragraph and see what you think. Others to watch out for: so (notorius), unfortunately, very, instantly, falsely, initially, immediately, quickly, just.

Love the names you've conjured up, but you dont need to tell the reader twice that the parents were ecstatic.
Do you really need the adjectives busy and familiar for the parents' social life? You show it well enough afterwards.
Maybe the build-up between Joseph and Mary goes on a tad too long - after all, this is meant to be Layla's story.... But that's only my opinion. What a little termagent she is.

I think I'll leave it at that.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Atieno wrote 65 days ago

This is among the few things I call a good story!Well done and excellent! Definately star rated! I want to buy this and read more than once!
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 69 days ago

Hi James.
Ive read the first half of your uploaded book, I was wondering, when did you encounter my younger sister?
You have made the most outrageous characters come across as so real, remarkarkable!
I don't want to like any of them, yet I can't help liking them.
This story (so far) is humourous, cheeky, jaw dropping and very difficult to put down. It's only time that's stopped me going on to chapter five. As soon as I have more, I'll be straight back. If Layla is this bad at five years old you must have some real treats in store for us.
I can't see a reason that this hasn't already been published. Your writing,editing and story line are all well polished. I found no errors or distractions.
I wish you all the best,
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

marfleet wrote 96 days ago

ComLit forum review (http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/90937/comlit/)
Well this has been a treat! Lovely use of the language and quintessential British humour. No real problems with it at all as it is very polished although there were a few places (most likely brought on by reading online) where some light dialogue would have aided the flow a little. However any such feelings soon disappeared with the next quirky bit of narration. Very highly stared and on “to back” list.
The following are the only things that I found that may need looking at.
Chap 1
- By the time she therefore, she was sixteen and on holidays….|| Therefore, by the time she was sixteen and on holiday with her unsuspecting parents, she was
Chap 2
- in the vain that hope his || the vain hope his
All the best with it - I shall it closely.
Cheers
Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of Time

Diwrite wrote 103 days ago

Different, interesting and written with a confident, pacy style.
But, sadly perhaps, not my cup of tea.

I'll give it a spin on my shelf soon, however, for the quality of writing.

Wishing you lots of luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Sandy Simmonds wrote 111 days ago

Hi James, here are my thoughts on your book:

Chapter 1-Although initially humourous with the funny names and titles, I found the plot jumped around some. Then the story gets juicier and thus easier to follow and begs you to read on!

Chapter 2-I love the part where the baby made the water boil! Hilarious! The cross disappeared in the devil cake! Funny! I could read on and on, this is marvellous stuff! I will rate this a 6 and proudly back it. Well done!

ScottTrimas wrote 115 days ago

What a great idea for a story! I loved how you put comedy in your book! I loved it and I can't wait to read more.
Thanks,
Scott

Aesop wrote 129 days ago

Eloquent, compelling, enterprising—and amusingly risqué. I’m not fond of tales that swamp me on opening with back story upon back story, but you pulled it off here brilliantly. I cracked up at the satire in your prose and in the names of people and places. De’ath and Dr Brimstone, Convent of our Lady of the Passion, to name a few. Your gift for visual imagery is inseparable from your clever talent for humour.

I hoped Chapter Two would move us to *showing*, and instead it was more telling. Same in the following chapters. Even so, I can’t see that hampering this sterling writing from finding a publisher willing to work with you to get the balance right.

That this didn’t make it to the Editor’s Desk ages ago I can only imagine is down to its *adult* content—which is a shame because it’s among the most consummate narrating I’ve read here. For that alone, I’ve backed it.

junetee wrote 148 days ago

Amazing story James!
I was sure I had read it before and as soon as I read the first couple of chapters I knew then I was right. But I had to read it again, and so I read the first three chapters.
.
The Incredible Layla Moon, is well written with brilliant descriptions. This is the kind of humour I can't resist. Mary Moon is a great character herself, and her antics keep the reader engrossed in the story for the first couple of chapters, and just the thought of what is coming next, exites and ushers the reader on.
The humouress similarities eg with names - Mary and Joseph, and the 666, all bring the story alive.
I look forward to reading more about the incredible Layla Moon - by the way it's a great title too.
One very minor mistake I noticed early in chapter one, you spelled convent as covent.
Good luck with this, I think it's great.
6 stars. youre backed.
Junetee(Four Corners)

Hermione wrote 181 days ago

Some great ideas and excellent names, but I think it misses out on 'fast-paced' by having too much description. Personally, I would cut some adjectives and tighten it up a bit, but then perhaps I'm an ass...

PA Davis wrote 186 days ago

James,
I was drawn into the story from the beginning by your use of amusing names, titles, and use of alliteration (Hexagon Heights Hotel in Kailua Bay - I live there and don't know the place). I see and enjoyed the use of humor juxtaposed into this unfolding story and was intrigued Layla's exploits.
I agree with Briercat in that there is so much you have to say, the details begin to cloud the real story. For example: Joseph and Mary (funny) had a daughter Layla. You took us around the barn several times telling us how this happened when most of us understand the biology. I am not saying that their meeting and eventual marriage was not an interesting read, it just was more than I wanted to know. I understand this because I am a recovering over-detailed writer whose greatest criticism has been to back off and let the reader bring some imagination into the experience.
You have a wonderful writing style filled with humor, witticism, and knowledge. For my preference I like to remember what I was told by a publisher several years ago,.."remove everything that does not move the story forward..." And where I don't follow her advice to the letter, I keep it in mind when I start to bloviate.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy

Briercat wrote 200 days ago

Your novel has an intriguing beginning, making me want to read further. Unfortunately, after that I found too much telling and not enough showing. For example, Smokey's funeral is an example of good telling - we get the details and can imagine ourselves there. However, for much of what is posted here, I feel as if I am a great distance away from this story and being told about it at second or third hand. I think it could be much more powerful if you were to think of it as a sensurround movie and describe what we might see and experience on the screen, as well as taste, smell, feel.

rommyo wrote 204 days ago

I like that she has a Swedish nurse like "The Seventh Seal."

I think I might just publish this if I were a publishing person though, without even reading anymore of it. "This is good enough? People might like this. This is good enough. It's likely brilliant."

Unfortunately your last published book is probably less-exposed than this book is--this having been uploaded to "Authonomy." "We sent out 30 press release emails, and 3 periodicals did reviews, and then 4 people bought the book, because the one guy said it was the best book he'd ever read in his history of reviewing books."

Jeryu wrote 206 days ago

This had me laughing from start to end.

KirkH wrote 231 days ago

I have to agree with the comments from Lemony Good. Layla Moon has too many reminiscenses of "The Omen" with a mixture of "Monte Python" humor (or humour) when it comes to spiritual matters. It definately is something for adults only, and only those with a sense of humor (or humour again :-)
Had to back it.
Thanks for writing this James.
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

AlexB1 wrote 245 days ago

I liked this, very funny right from the start. Added to watch list

AlexB1 wrote 245 days ago

hahah love your last quote about a book being a mirror:)

I like the look of this, adding to Watchlist

Jacqueline Benton wrote 262 days ago

I have just finished reading the 8 chapters of your wonderful manuscript and I have to say it is one of the funniest, creative things I have ever read.
I love the synisism and corruption of the catholic church but especially the names. Having relations in Wales I found your place names enchanting. It truly is one of the funniest books I have ever read and will be first in line when the book is published to buy a copy. Sheer Genuis Kind Regards Jacqueline. My book Superfly isn't as funny but you may enjoy the creativity and the characters. Good luck

Mach100 wrote 267 days ago

Hello James,
Ch.1
I don’t like single-sentence paragraphs and sentences that are so long. It takes my breath away and makes for a harder than necessary reading level. Some are six or more lines long!
Some words need hyphens – e.g. half-blood, self-mortification, etc.
Chapter ends in mid-sentence.
Ch.2
Unlikely that the au-pair would prepare the tea for somebody as rich as Joseph. He would have had other servants to maintain such a large house and probably a chef too.
Chapter ends in mid-sentence.
Amusing to a degree but told rather than shown and almost completely lacking in dialogue. It’s acceptable to do injury to humans in a comedy and perhaps being cruel to nasty insects but graphically describing the torture and killing of the cat is both abhorrent and disgusting – that made me stop reading and knocked a couple of stars off your rating. Pity because I thought there was a lot of potential in the story.
I hope you’ll take a look at one or more of my books and comment on it/them too.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

junetee wrote 270 days ago

I have to admit I was blown away by the humour and imagination in this story.
Mary is an amazing character, and I enjoyed reading every moment of her unusual and almost erotic upbringing, which I found bizarre because in such circumstances I would have thought I should be feeling sympathy for her after being abused in such a ghastly way. However this story is not about abuse, and it has been skillfully written away from the grim realities of life and is packed with humour of the most playful kind.
I love the Joseph/Mary idea, and the demonic daughter. I have only read a small amount of the book but would love to know what eventually becomes of Layla Moon. Maybe when I have a little spare time.
This is definitely a book I would buy and one I will back as soon as I get some free space. 6 stars.
Junetee(Four Corners)

1x80 wrote 285 days ago

This is brilliant, I haven't been able to read it all but I can't wait until I can sit down and finish it. I love the characters, I love how their backgrounds were explained so I could understand them better as people. You're a fantastic writer.

katie78 wrote 305 days ago

i;'ve finished your first chapter. your narrative voice is dark and distinct. the combination of sexual titillation, deviance and abuse with catholicism is particularly cringe-worthy. the read is smooth and original. i don't really have any suggestions.
thanks for the read.

Dwayne Kavanagh wrote 309 days ago

Wow have you spent a lot of effort fleshing out this first chapter. I agree with Lemony Good...I too thought this would be more like all the rest of the Satanic works pieces, but nope...the humour is so thickly woven into each sentence and your use visual metaphors was wonderful...I like how you pulled in all the relationships between M & J in Bible!

This is going to raise some hell!

Cheers,
Dwayne

CarolinaAl wrote 312 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A hilarious start. A wonderful ensemble of offbeat characters. Abundant wit. Vivid imagery. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... entered the world at precisely 6.00am on June 6th 1966. '6.00am' should be '6.00 a.m.' or, better yet, 'six a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) Hyphenate 'well equipped.'
3) 'Due to the tragic early death of his father Maurice, ... ' Comma after 'father.'
4) ' ... stunningly beautiful Carmelite novice on a years teaching exchange ... ' Years (plural) should be year's (possessive).
5) ' ... when The Sherman's issued their invite ... ' No need to capitalize 'The.' Also, Sherman's (possessive) should be Shermans (plural).
6) 'Like a waterfall of golden rain' is cliche. Consider writing the same image, but in a fresher way.
7) 'Are you going to take me for an exciting ride Joseph?' Comma after 'ride.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
8) ' ... using the large cream alter candles, ... ' 'Alter' should be 'altar.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

bunderful wrote 325 days ago

A very interesting read. You characters' names are humorous and well-conceived. There is an element of magical realism in here that I really enjoyed and a rollicking comic element to the story. You are a great storyteller, and you descriptions are lush and evocative. Your pitch drew me in and while the story was not what I expected at all it certainly kept me interested and turning pages!

- Bunderful

whoster wrote 326 days ago

Very stylish, and far more importantly - very funny reading. Time constraints stop me reading beyond first chapter, but highly entertaining stuff.

Billie Storm wrote 349 days ago

Very short comment.

Dark, filthy and spinning with brilliance, this Tantric (?) comedy romps through a carnal repertoire redolent of the Marquis de Sade or, softly, Emmanuel. And then dives hilariously into the absurd bathos of the Munsters.
And what names! Young Pillaster, for one. Priapic could've been another. Am amazed at the sexual longevity of your characters, or it endurance?
I was amused by the climax that afforded sister Raffaella that omniscient, and benign view of the universe.
It is erotic, yes, but back-lit by legend, makes the thing utterly wicked.
From the beginning this tale knows where it's headed, with a feast of descriptions.

A couple of things: loads of shes and hes. Names named? Also, chap 2. Mary and Joseph .... 'their' married life could simply be married life, as you offer another 'their'. These are so minor, but I did notice them, so maybe they would nag a bit, later on.
Born to write, because you do it so unselfconsciously. But where to go from here?

Billie

yeah, I heard that: on my shelf for now.

Brian Bandell wrote 359 days ago

This is written in a professional manner with strong characters and colorful prose. There’s a lot of background at the onset. I usually prefer action first, but the background does make for a compelling story.

You have a tendency to position long, run-on sentences one after the other. It’s a little exasperating to read at times. There’s nothing wrong with mixing in a few sentences with more simple structures to give the reader a break. Every paragraph doesn’t have to be a single long sentence.

I like the humor, especially about the nun teaching the girl toe masturbate. I don’t think this rises to the level of erotica, but it’s certainly adult humor. Then it turns into a dark comedy at the end of chapter 2.

I enjoy the premise of your story and the characters. I’m happy to back it.

Brian
Mute

Layla Harding wrote 373 days ago

Found this book on the shelf of another author I like and so very glad I did! Love the name of the MC! Absolutely hilarious - enjoyed every word of it. On my WL and will add to my bookshelf very soon.

Puksu wrote 375 days ago

We really need more clever books with such pizazz. Yours is one such book and deserves more recognition!

Stephanie L. Prater wrote 383 days ago

Loved the dark comedy and wanted it on my shelf! I know this comment lacks meat, but I haven't read far yet....

michel prince wrote 390 days ago

Just started reading and about to cuss out my computer for starting do die on me. I love the comedy and pointing out. Putting on my Bookshelf for sure

Tom Bye wrote 392 days ago

hello James ' The incredible Layla moon

read chunks of this great book some 105 days ago and gave it a six star read
on reading more, nothing has changed my mind in any way, its good very good
one of the better ones on site
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses'

moloney wrote 396 days ago

A bit of The Pearl and The Monk. The Victorian style moves to slow for my taste. With all the word play in place I read a good foundation for rewritting. If you insist on spreading it thick with Mary and Joseph and 666, try and sharpen the humor with a better cutting edge. Indulge in originality.

LeClerc wrote 415 days ago

The Incredible Layla Moon
Critiquing work sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph may well be necessary but it takes the enjoyment out of reading a good story. This is why I do not do it, I do not profess to be a literary critic, however I do comment on books I like and I really like this one.
This is a delightful read. Succinct humour assaults you in every paragraph. First there are the echos of the Magdeline homes and then we are assailed by the beginnings of evil delivered as only children can deliver.
We are all with Layla as she grows and despite her traits we are strangely drawn to her.
Brilliant piece of writing James, please add more soon.
On my WL and soon to be on my shelf.

Phil

Norton Stone wrote 424 days ago

I read the comments before I read the first chapter. I was worried by the high praise. I was right to be worried! Sorry this ones not for me!

writingbear wrote 432 days ago

James,
I backed your fine book, THE INCREDIBLE LAYLA MOON. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS
MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND

Jay Adiyarath wrote 432 days ago

Hi,

The soul of humour is ever so evident in this tightly written social satire. You've kept the paragraphs precociously brief so that one reads on and on without drudgery. The book is a bold essay on how hypocritical human beings are and if one were to do some soul searching, one would realize how shameful human existence has been.
So many social lessons pop up as one reads each chapter and it would be wise to ponder and look into oneself after each episode.
You would want to add the remaining chapters and I shall be glad to read them.
For now I have starred and backed it.
All the best
Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

vista133 wrote 433 days ago

This is delicious. Only read 1 Chapter so far, but hooked already.
Great opening with the 666 references, then the promise of 'subsequent deeds'. Love the names in the hospital, the casual erotic references and of course, Mary and Joseph.
Can't wait to read more, and backed with pleasure.
If you get a chance have a look at What Lies Within
Thanks and good luck
Audrey

brinskie1 wrote 446 days ago

The Incredible Layla Moon - What a great title and an excellent, original, entertaining premise. Overall, well written, although I like to see more dialogue, especially early on and the 666 thing might have been taken too far in the first paragraphs. There is much more to be said for this sometimes humorous and thought provoking novel, but this is supposedly about constructive criticism (from my point of view).

Wordy. The opening is an excellent hook, but I think some sentence reconstruction could add a real punch.
Layla Lucrezia Moon entered the world at six a.m. on the sixth hour of the sixth day of the sixth month in nineteen ninety six. Many came to believe the time and date highly significant. - would be one of many good alternatives. You don't need the repetition and the extra words only get in the way. And even if you do feel your readers are adle-minded, they would definitely get the point by the time they finished the second paragraph,which I happen to think is a little over the top itself - definitely needs some work. Another thing you might want to look at in your next edit is the unnecessary use of 'that' - 'gullible that she', 'known that she', 'agreed that they'd', and so on. (I would press the find button in Word and delete every unnecessary 'that' I could find. Also, watch out for 'however', etc.)
I hope I haven't gone to far with these well intentioned critiques - as I said in the beginning, there is a lot to like here, well worth another polish. I'm giving it four stars as is and hope you will let me know when you've hit it again so I can take another look. Meanwhile, it's on my WL.

G.
(I would like to see your take on 'Einstein's Road Trip', offbeat magical realism/lit fiction. Maybe you could rake me across a couple of coals. Looking forward to your critique.)

1Cooldude wrote 460 days ago

Ditto the other comments

Daniel Delacy wrote 460 days ago

A genuine surprise, beautifully written and compelling to read. In short an absolute delight of a book.

Laurence Howard wrote 471 days ago

Eloquent, imaginative and captivating. Backed with pleasure,
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Lemony Good wrote 484 days ago

I may have commented several times there. Or not at all.

Lemony Good wrote 484 days ago

Ah, where do I begin.
I started reading this wondering if I was in for a nicely written reprise of 'The Omen'. How wrong I was. Within a few paragraphs I was pulled in by the explicit humour and amazingly realised characterisation. The intentions of these deranged personas, including those of Layla Moon herself, are always humorous; the nod at the corruption of the church is cleverly exaggerated (I hope) to a nicely comedic degree; and Layla, this twisted, demonic, conniving, blonde-haired little deviant somehow has the reader on her side. I started reading this and just kept wanting more and more.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that a reader can relate to Layla - we understand her actions but can't agree with them at all (poor Smokey). But for some reason I'm a little bit on her side. All in all, this book is compelling and entertaining, and overflowing with accomplished wit and intelligence.

Lemony Good wrote 484 days ago

Ah, where do I begin.
I started reading this wondering if I was in for a nicely written reprise of 'The Omen'. How wrong I was. Within a few paragraphs I was pulled in by the explicit humour and amazingly realised characterisation. The intentions of these deranged personas, including those of Layla Moon herself, are always humorous; the nod at the corruption of the church is cleverly exaggerated (I hope) to a nicely comedic degree; and Layla, this twisted, demonic, conniving, blonde-haired little deviant somehow has the reader on her side. I started reading this and just kept wanting more and more.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that a reader can relate to Layla - we understand her actions but can't agree with them at all (poor Smokey). But for some reason I'm a little bit on her side. All in all, this book is compelling and entertaining, and overflowing with accomplished wit and intelligence.

Lemony Good wrote 484 days ago

Ah, where do I begin.
I started reading this wondering if I was in for a nicely written reprise of 'The Omen'. How wrong I was. Within a few paragraphs I was pulled in by the explicit humour and amazingly realised characterisation. The intentions of these deranged personas, including those of Layla Moon herself, are always humorous; the nod at the corruption of the church is cleverly exaggerated (I hope) to a nicely comedic degree; and Layla, this twisted, demonic, conniving, blonde-haired little deviant somehow has the reader on her side. I started reading this and just kept wanting more and more.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that a reader can relate to Layla - we understand her actions but can't agree with them at all (poor Smokey). But for some reason I'm a little bit on her side. All in all, this book is compelling and entertaining, and overflowing with accomplished wit and intelligence.

Jen Conroy wrote 487 days ago

Fantastically entertaining read! Intriguing, amusing, addictive and all topped off with a little bit of naughtiness- Brilliant.
Having attended an all girls convent school myself, I found some content hilariously relative (though perhaps not as raunchy! lol).

Nicely done James- I wish you the best with this!

Jen
Fayalite

Good for Her wrote 495 days ago

I enjoyed and admired this book some time ago on my other avatar (GOOD FOR HIM) but I want to back it on this avatar too as I believe it is under-rated.
JRM
A FEAST OF TALES

Wilma1 wrote 497 days ago

This is a brilliantly clever and entertaing read. Told in the once upon a time style its flips from the hilarious castings of Mary and Joseph who have Layla in St Vigina's nursing home. We have the almost 'Carryone Nurse' situation as Bunny is taken in hand by his nurses. You are a very clever writer and I'm drawn to your book as a complete escapism of the made world we live in.

Best of luck
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley