Grimeon's Pass

YARG review,

Hi Lisa,

there's some nice gothic scene setting at the beginning of this story. I like the hints at supernatural elements – from the story so far and your pitch it sounds quite similar to Helen Cresswell’s Moondial – there was a BBC series of it when I was young. Also a little bit like Tom’s Midnight Garden – two books I really love.

The biggest problem you have is that you switch regularly back and forth between present and past tense. You have to decide on one and stick with it. You sometimes even change within the same sentence – I’ve highlighted some examples below.

You have some very nice description and the dialogue is pretty convincing – though personally I think contractions like I’ll instead of I will are much more natural sounding in speech.
While Laura’s situations intrigues us I found her to be rather hard to like at the moment as she is quite temperamental – one moment being scared of the corpse boy the next feeling flirty around the “young lad” and also we are not really given any reason not to like the step-mum other than that she is not Laura’s Mother.
Here are my close corrections...
which ambleS
exaggeratingly – should be exaggeratedly
They have always been despicable children, and IT seemS as if they always
make her life as miserable as possible, as if it wasn’t ALREADY BAD enough. SHE really didn’t need them to add to the crap she WAS EXPERIENCING.
the brats ask if they – delete f typo
marble-look
As they leave the kitchen, giggles disperse into the hallway and the girls (comma)
her but suppresses it, waits – holds it at bay? Maybe less technical than suppresses
“Take some deep breaths, calm down and tell me EXACTLY what you mean,”
Before David and Siobhan had THE chance to say any more Laura turnED abruptly and walkED out. Seconds later the front door slamMED behind her. You have to decide which tense you want your story in. You flutter between past and present
The SUN’S warmth – apostrophe
Shortly after the dark haired boy puts – you haven’t mentioned hair colour up to this point you have to tell us he has dark hair first
Brief conversation, (comma)
ruined, it’s taken her months to do it and now she HAS to start from scratch, - mixed tenses
she was more upset over THE last picture she had drawn.
“young lad” is a little colloquial for a more or less neutral narrator to say
Laura looked up “Sorry”, she replies and blushes. – another mixed tense sentence – decide if you want the story told in the past or the present – past tense is more typical in literature and also easier to use as a writer as it keeps the chronology clearer.
“Yeah, sort of, must be a girl thing eh!” – really not very p.c. I don’t think you could get away with this in modern fiction unless it was a joke or someone being mean
Thunder storms didn’t scare her . She loved to watch (full stop)
Excuse was as good as any . There would be no more... (full stop)
I’LL be in touch in the next couple – contraction more natural in speech
run across her body AS she looked
CH 1
“That makes TWO of us.”
SPECK on the door
Laura glared at her dad IN the mirror.
Eastham. It was in the middle of the countrySIDE, - makes it clearer – I thought you meant it was in the midlands of the country
The Victorian house looked GIGANTIC/MASSIVE =- you just used huge before
There was something special about this house and she IMMEDIATELY longed to explore (IT?).
barely see, and she looked like she’d just left A salon. (delete the shopping centre bit)
The brats hadn’t changed a lot since the last time SHE’D seen them two years BEFORE.
Hair SCRAPED back into...
They were like female versions of Damien. – no child and many adults won’t know who Damien is out of context
“I hope you like your room, (comma) darling,” – comma before someone’s name / pet name when addressing them
OVERLOOKED
TV, A laptop, hi fi (add a)
“I thought you MIGHT think that, sweetheart.”
If the owner of the fountain had it made after his daughter was born why is the girl in the fountain older? Shouldn’t it be a baby?
It’s not clear so far why she doesn’t like Siobhan. They seem to get on when they’re together. Siobhan seems very friendly and except for the fact Laura complains all the time about her and once calls her stuck up we don’t get any of that ourselves as readers.
A small stream gurgled in its own secret language and the wooden bridge lay across it as if it were protecting it. – this is a nice image but the repetition of IT is jarring and unpoetic.
not TO find any
the stream, she thought, never mind FINDING them ENCHANTING.
Laura listened AND became aware that the
anything. It must have been a cat. – think it would be better to say a fox as foxes do really sound like people crying whereas cats are more recognisable normally

So good work but just have a look at your tenses. I'll give you a nice star rating.

best wishes

Benedict

Chapter 1 (revised) We quickly feel sympathy for Laura and her situation and you move from the domestic to the suspense well too. Shaping up nicely so far. Feels very immediate and sets up the reader for wanting to know more.
Couple of obvious typos: when they are at the table - the brats ask f if they may..

give sarcastic smiles

I spotted a few place where you need some more commas but you can easily tidy these up when you edit :)

great horror for young adults. you have built credibility with your characters and dialogue. good tension, too, and pace.
j
what every woman should know

YARG Review

Really enjoyed this book. It speaks to the heart of many teenagers' situation. The dialogue is realistic and so your readers can readily identify with your characters before the high action begins. When it does, there is good place and tension. It is quite an exciting read and not too samey.

When you get to 1940s, not so secure, understandably. Rather than nit pick, I'll just say go onto one of the myriad internet sites to pick up historical detail so that you get all this section correct. Some of it, you do. Bear in mind transport problems increasing isolation and dependency on neighbours, reducing visits as well as traffic noise. It's good to get the settings exactly right for a time change section.

Altogether, a very promising book which should do well.

Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS (set in the forties!)

YARG Review

I've read all that you have posted up, and really enjoyed it. I love the way it flips between timelines, which really helps the building of tension. The voice is good for the age range, and there's plenty for your readers to relate too. It left me wanting more, which is always a good sign.

On the crit side.
This really needs a good copy editing, as it's got quite a few errors. Nothing too serious, but they will need to be sorted before submission time. Try reading out aloud to yourself, or getting a willing wordy friend to give it a quick once over. The nuclear option would be getting it looked at by one of the online copy editing services, but that would cost.
Some of the references could need looking over too, for example the Damien one (tried running past my 14 year old daughter, and she didn't get it). Someone already mentioned the shilling thing, but the one that had reaching for wikipedia was the hearing aid. Although in common used around the 1930 onwards, just didn't seem right for an old woman living in the middle of the countryside.
On a final note, the two scenes where we meet the entity I felt could do with having another look at. I don't know if rushed is the right word I'm looking for, maybe it's more a question of pacing. Maybe a line of description here and there could do the trick. For example describing the shards of ice skidding across the frozen lake after the monster broke through it.

Good luck with it, and I'd like to add that all the small errors I've mentioned I too am guilty of, hence the reason I spotted them. I look forward to reading the finished draft.

Sam
Dead Letter Drop

GRIMEON’S PASS
This is an exciting beginning for a story: a friend drowning, a scary creature rising up out of the water . . . . I felt really bad for Freddy because he’s the one who started rocking the boat and put Charlie into the water. I think this is just scary enough (but not too scary) you’ll find a young adult audience for this. Two small things: “your useless” should be “you’re useless.” Also, I think the first sentence, “The wooden boat floated on the lake” is flat compared to the rest of the first chapter. Is there something more descriptive to substitute for that? Either way, this is a good read. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

YARG Review!

OK, I read the first two Chapters, and the build-up of suspense is masterful. The prologue set the scene of what to expect without ruining the mystery, and the characters are developing nicely from what I have read.

Bear in mind I'm no expert in writing, or in reviews, but I like this! Rated, and going on my WL :)

Dave
The Chemo Diaries

I read chapters 1 & 2 and skimmed 3-5, and you have the makings of an excellent mystery! The opening is intriguing and full of mystery from the offset. Your characters are well defined and I like the way the story moves between the 2 eras and builds up tension in both.
I really enjoyed what I read and I am sure your intended target group will love this!
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

I read chapters 1, 3 and 4, and not surprisingly found it a little jumbled. It appears that you introduce Laura in the 5th chapter. Your writing is full of tension and excitement, but there is also horror, as you have said in the genre label. You have a good story here, I think. There are still editing issues, but most are grammar or punctuation. I suggest you take care that these are cleaned up before you try submitting.
Well done, to be backed, Marj.
PS: A minor point, Ch 4, 'You don't get thunder and lightning without rain.' You certainly can - dry thunderstorms are the more dangerous type.

Lisa,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative then is your ability to use description to create an ominous sense. The use of methodic, carefully calibrated language, through with surgical precision to describe, so that, as you describe the psychological map of your characters is evoked in the readers mind, not through the definitions/labeling's, but through their body language and behavior....

.....that is what a thriller is all about, and....

......it is what makes you narrative work

Some of my favorites:

'Twisted like arthritic fingers"

"weeds entwined through"

"vision of Charlie, looking transparent"
frame that one

"with that the whir of a neighbor"

"snowflakes tumbled down"

"the oak stood like a dark silhouette"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

You are your best when you describe. It is when you move away from that you get into trouble for,
it reduces the haunting/ominous sense of your narrative

Specifically in 2 directions:

"felt numb" "her heart sunk" "gruesome" "gazed down lovingly"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he used body language to describe...the reader feels

"looked radiant" "loads of light"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

This was gripping and exciting. Horror-type stories aren’t my normal read, so I have little to compare it to, but you certainly got my heart beating!
I think your text could do with some cleaning up in places – some misplaced apostrophes and sentences that need to be chopped in half or stuck together. I picked out a few things -
‘A flash of light caught Charlie’s attention’ – I think it would be better to have a more definite divide between this and the last paragraph, since that has Freddie concerned at Charlie’s disappearance. Perhaps ‘As he sank through the water, a flash of light…’ And then perhaps at the end of that paragraph ‘Charlie swam *back* towards the boat’ to make it clear he’s reversing direction and coming up for air.
‘He had heard plenty of stories off his grandfather’ – I would replace ‘off’ with ‘from’ since it’s the narrator’s voice not the boy’s voice here.
Sometimes I feel like *you* know exactly what’s happening, but it’s not so clear to the reader – for example whether the characters are going down through the water or coming back to the surface again.
Hope this isn’t too incoherent, and I really hope it helps!

Anna
Angelwings

This was gripping and exciting. Horror-type stories aren’t my normal read, so I have little to compare it to, but you certainly got my heart beating!
I think your text could do with some cleaning up in places – some misplaced apostrophes and sentences that need to be chopped in half or stuck together. I picked out a few things -
‘A flash of light caught Charlie’s attention’ – I think it would be better to have a more definite divide between this and the last paragraph, since that has Freddie concerned at Charlie’s disappearance. Perhaps ‘As he sank through the water, a flash of light…’ And then perhaps at the end of that paragraph ‘Charlie swam *back* towards the boat’ to make it clear he’s reversing direction and coming up for air.
‘He had heard plenty of stories off his grandfather’ – I would replace ‘off’ with ‘from’ since it’s the narrator’s voice not the boy’s voice here.
Sometimes I feel like *you* know exactly what’s happening, but it’s not so clear to the reader – for example whether the characters are going down through the water or coming back to the surface again.
Hope this isn’t too incoherent, and I really hope it helps!

Anna
Angelwings

Grimeon's Pass Notes:

Hi Lisa. As requested I am looking at the prologue. All the usual disclaimers as to this being nothing but the opinions (some call them ravings) of a disgruntled cat-herder apply. They are all excessively fallible and almost certainly wrong, unless by chance you agree with any of it, in which case I may have struck lucky. It happened once before.

I definitely prefer a chapter 1 to a prologue, (even if they are otherwise identical) because prologue kinda tells me that the story is trying to wriggle out of the grasp of the author and I'm a little suspicious as to whether they captured it. Aren't I peculiar?

Nicely atmospheric, a good back and forth between Charlie and Freddy, and a feeling of place is established. The menace is well evoked, and is nicely horrid.

Pace seemed spot on: things don't flag, but they don't rush; I am happy to be carried along in (which is better than 'by') your story. Generally, I like the language and the way it is used, this is sufficiently well written that I can think about the story . . . (And other people have looked at those aspects).

I liked the story and still do: it is a fair few months since I had this on my bookshelf, so I am having difficulty in telling if it is hugely different--I've been writing a bit and reading much more--not the fault of your writing at all, but apologies for not remembering better (I remembered the ensuing chapters with greater clarity).


I'm going to be hugely picky, because you seemed to be asking for 'useful' 'critical' feedback. I shall pretend that I am a commisioning editor who wants to publish your work, because they like the overall 'feel' (which I do) but wants to get the best possible book from you. So here goes.

Although it says 'June 1940', I wondered if it might be good to have a marker in the narrative as regards time? Freddy complaining that a squadron of Hurricanes passing over was the reason he hadn't caught anything because it had scared the fish, something about ration cards--whatever, just one little detail could fix this in time and give an anchor for all the mise-en-scene, which your readers can then happily fill in for themselves, at least, I'm easily suckered this way. (Arguments as to whether Spitfires were better than Hurricanes were always a good one between boys at this time and can still catch a little resonance--though it is somewhat of a cliche [but cliches are cliches for good reason--usually]).

He stared at the old oak on top of the mountain . . .This sounded a little odd: they are in a boat on a lake, but he has a good enough view of an oak on top of a mountain that he is reminded of gnarly knuckles? It tells me that it is a very small mountain, which kind of begs the question 'why is it called a mountain?' or the lake is way high up a mountain, which begs the question 'how did they get a boat up there?' (Unless he has a telescope? Nah . . . not in a rowboat.)

A shilling was a lot of money in 1940.

I felt that Charlie should display anger for being dumped in the water (especially as it lost them their supper), or that there should be some rationale which is a bit more substantial than seeing something glittery down there if he doesn't . . . Or that he should laugh when he gets back to the boat, and then tip the boat so that Freddy goes in--whatever, more of a reaction seems called for--they are boys, so will compete prankwise. Even after 10 years.

Stuck like seaweed to his head seemed an inapposite simile when they are in a lake, 'waterweed'?

A bicycle would also be well worth salvaging, I would have thought???

The rusty chain had caught . . . Now I can assume that you mean the bicycle chain here, but I could be wrong, and rusty bike chains get very stiff and aren't likely to wrap around someone's leg, I wasn't sure how else it could have caught him. It is very hard to untangle yourself underwater and all too easy to panic, so I felt this, as I read.

14 years old? Summer? Not well off? Would they be wearing shorts?

Who screamed silently? just a little unclear on this, especially as, as far as I know, they haven't surfaced yet, so the whole screaming thing seemed slightly out of place. Almost inhales a mouthful of water and joins his friend?

Nice reaction of Freddy to Charlie's fate, though I might push it even further, possibly have him vomit, so that when he retches later, when the thing confronts him, there is nothing left to throw up?

. . .pushed himself further into the boat's side (side of the boat if you want to avoid awkward apostrophes?--Also, I thought 'attempted to push himself further into the side of the boat' might work better, as hulls are pretty unyielding.

The '"Silence(!?)" he yelled' seemed out of character with the aura of patience and understated menace thus far.

A fear drenched face didn't quite hit the mark for me, could this be more active? Knotted muscles, jaw clenched until it hurt . . . something like that? Getting sensory stuff in there to inveigle the reader into Freddy's sorry pickle?

The whole sensory thing seemed a little thin, sights, sounds, smells, the feel of a fish (slippery and surprisingly strong when they wriggle in your hand) the breeze on the lake, the way sounds carry over water. Also, there is a very particular feel to being underwater which I didn't quite 'get' here. Perhaps take this with you when you go swimming and try to nail the sensations as soon as you get out of the water? (If you don't like swimming, perhaps watch a good 'oops, they almost drowned' scene--Frodo in the Marshes, The Two Towers? Immerse yourself so you can immerse the reader . . .

Anything which you think I have misunderstood, or just plain got wrong, please don't hesitate to shoot me down. If there is anything which you feel I have expressed so poorly that you don't know what I'm on about, please feel free to take me to task, or ask for clarification. As noted above, I like this already, so please take these comments as reflecting my (lack of) aesthetic judgement rather than as criticism per se.

Again, thank you for giving me something to read which was worth reading and worth thinking about. KA.

Lisa,

You have an interesting story here, a dark tale built around children which is something right up my alley. Though I must say the writing style didn't much appeal to me, perhaps because it is geared toward the YA market?

I did find a few errors in chapter 1I'd like to share.
"Because I'm good at fishing and your useless." Need to change "your" to "you're."
In the first long paragraph. "Boys stared at for a few seconds." Missing "it."
And, the sentence: "Before he had chance a child's skeleton fingers curled around the stem and snatched it away." This just doesn't feel right. Perhaps simply changing "skeleton" to "skeletal" and removing "a child's" for something like "tiny" will do the trick.

Good luck with your novel, Lisa. With some more work it could really turn out to be a must-read for fans of creative horror.

Hi Lisa, looks like you've made great improvements from before- well done! Karen

You have a talent for keeping the readers in suspense, each chapter ended with me wanting to know what would happen next. There were a few minor mistakes but nothing that wouldn't be easy to fix. I hope you keep writing this because it's good.

Charmain

Hi. I saw your forum thread and remembered reading your prologue before. Reading it now as chapter one, and continuing on reading up till chapter five, I can see that this new way works perfectly. I think you have a great story, full of powerful dialogue, which is well written. I really liked chapter two also; It's almost as though you have adopted a different style with which to tell the current day chapters. Was this intentional? If so it's a clever idea, and if not, this seems to be the case. Anyway, not much to crit here (and I really must read further - need to know what the inky monster wants Ivan to do!) so good luck with your work in progress, and wow! by the way, finding time to write with all those kids! You're doing a great job. I would love it if you had the time to give me some feedback on my book. I'm paticularly keen on what people think of a) the dialogue, b) the shifting POV and c) a fight scene in chap 8 - is it realistic? Hope you can fit me in and if you like it enough, sqeeze me onto your shelf for a few days. All the best anyway. Julie xxx

Let me clarify what I mean about the style of chapter 1 being more suited to the 9-11 market. Take some time to consider a few things which form the structure of younger writing. Character name choice for example: Freddy and Charlie are happy sounding names which evoke impish qualities. One feels from the off that jolly japes are ahead. Imagine the appeal of those happy sounding names to a youngster. Like Janet and John or Jack and Jill, Freddy and Charlie fit the bill. Now imagine your target YA reader. As Young Adult we are looking at 13 to 18. So let’s take the average of 15 and imagine the fifteen year-old scanning your blurb about Freddy and Charlie. This prospective buyer will probably assume the book is for a younger audience and replace it on the shelf. Your character names therefore must be carefully chosen to appeal to your target reader.
Next up is depth of scene. Now you’re going to hate me for this, but your fresh new zinging shiny chapter 1 has had too close a shave. In your brilliant endeavour to do justice to my advice regarding brevity you have turned YA to youngster. Hence the importance of me pointing this out. You must recognize the need for depth of scene where YA is concerned. Look at the current best-sellers for YA. The majority feature vampires and lust and they hold pov via short passages of introspection which conveys the tangible essence YA reader so wants. Supplier fills demand I’m afraid. Now for God’s sake do not, I repeat NOT hire a vampire. Step away from the cliché! What I’m saying is you must ask yourself if this story is suited to YA needs? Are there elements of lust? If yes, then you must grow parts of chapter 1, change character names, deepen the pov via occasional introspection. If, on the other hand, you discover the essence/elements of the story more suited to the younger market, then you’re off to a flying start. One way or the other, this new stage you have arrived at is about recognizing style requirements and adjusting your writing to suit.
I hope I’m making some sense. Do feel free to shout if I’m not, or if I can help with anything at all.

I saw your thread and thought I'd take a look at the prologue/new chapter 1. I remember how it was before and I much prefer this way. You cut to the chase and get the reader very involved right away. Even if I didn't already know it's a great story, I'd absolutely want to read on after that. You progress the chapter nicely and the events unfold with a natural feeling. Dialogue reads natually too. I think you'll hook a lot more readers with this!

Missy

Hi Lisa,
Well, I’m impressed. You have certainly taken my critique on board and the result is quite outstanding. No more messing about! The story is clear on the page, easy to follow, and why? Because you have cut away all those superfluous words and got straight to the point. (Though do look at the repetition of grinned and cut at least one of them.)
I have one major point for you to consider and that is your intended teen market (presuming your tags are correct). For me, (based on the new style of chapter 1) the writing is more suited to the 9-11 group. That may be your intention, if so, well done! If not, then you need to look at your style, ie., word/observation choice in order to appeal to the older teen reader.
Overall though, for me, your writing has taken a massive leap of clarity. A cloud has certainly been lifted. Well done!

Very engaging. This is a gripping story that holds my interest. I like the way you create tension in your writing. I have backed your story. Please check out "Just Out of Sight". I hope to have your backing soon.
Best wishes for your success,
Craig (Bandof1)

This went from good, to very good, to great as I kept reading along.

Hi Lisa

Here are my comments.

General comments : -
1. I like the story.
2. I like you’re your ability as a wordsmith, and your use of similes.
3. Instead of using internal speech attributes, think about using italics for the internal speech and no attributes.

Some detailed comments : -
Prologue
There is a good opening with plenty of action.
Some trivial changes to think about : -
1. ‘The oak stood on top of the hill, its branches twisted like old arthritic fingers; its bark a deeper shade than any Freddie had seen before.” Suggest changing to something like, “On top of the hill the oak’s branches twisted like old arthritic fingers, its’ bark a deeper shade than Freddie had ever seen before.”
2. “…who did it belong too?” change to “who did it belong to?
3. “He’d heard stories off…” change to “He’d heard stories from…”
4. “He was as limp” change to “He was limp.”
5. “…around Charlie’s spirit; who tried to scream, but made no sound” Change to “…around Charlie’s spirit as it tried to scream, but couldn’t.”
6. “The magic attached his soul as green fluid crept through his veins.” Not sure who both of the “his” belong to. Perhaps use their names. In the same paragraph you use “he” and “his” a few times that it is not obvious who you refer to.
7. “…melting in the water like it was acid.” The “it” in this sentence refers to the melting flesh. Might be better to say “…melting as if the water was acid.”

Ch 1
An interesting introduction to Laura and her thoughts.
Some more trivial changes to think about : -
1. “Laura stood at the top of the stairs, her arms folded, staring at the suitcases that were lined up neatly in the hallway.” Suggest changing to something like, “Staring at the suitcases lined up neatly in the hallway, Laura stood at the top of the stairs, arms folded.”
2. “…strawberry blonde hair, which cascaded…” change to “…strawberry blonde hair, cascading…”
3. “…because of the look in Harmony’s eyes; they looked almost black.” Change to “…because of the shade of Harmony’s eyes; they seemed almost black.”

Starred and backed. Hope this helps. Look forward to you comments of my novel Gold Demon.
Best regards
George

Hey Lisa

I've read up to chapter four and I think you've got a really good story here. The first chapter you have the two boys Freddie and Charlie and the key that get's grabbed by the skeleton hand and then Charlie dies. Killed by this black inky thing, and I think this is a brilliant 1st chapter. It's interesting and intriging and I was left wondering how is this going to affect Freddie when he grows up? Why did it not take his life also? I also loved the way that it didn't just kill him but it took away his very soul.

In the second chapter you introduce us to Laura and she comes across to me a very strong minded young teen, instantly likable and easily identifiable. Straight away I emphathised with her family situation.

But chapter three is where you really start to push the momentum of the story with the introduction of Ivor, Iris, Molly and Arnold. You create a very believable bond between brother and sister Molly and Lial, as well as a belivable reason for as to why Arnold makes the mistake of trying to get home and not staying the night with Mrs Hettle. Although I think this sentence should be corrected

"There's only one another way to get back," said Mrs Hettle

should be

"There's only one other way to get back," said Mrs Hettle

Chapter 4
It get's even better. The kids have gone to the lake near that creepy tree and i'm thinking oh no what's going to happen, and sure enough that manevolant inky man/monster appears. Of course I'vors going to do what ever it takes to save his children and that's an awsome ending to the chapter. I also loved the action scene where they slip on the ice and get seperated, I could easily visualise the whole thing.

Nit picking now, I think some of your sentences could be rewritten to be a little bit sharper. for example "Daylight became duller and shadows began to appear. Could be "Daylight receded and shadows began to appear."

The changing of one word can make all the difference in a sentence to make it sound snappier and to the point. Although that's just my opinion.

In overal this is a very interesting imaginative story, one in which I would happily read further because it really drives the reader to want to know what's going to happen next. You have a compelling villian and I want to know his plans for the children and for Ivor.

The plot developments of this story is the best thing about it, you have good chracterisation and a good ability to create compelling visual imagery. I'm looking forward to reading more.

All my best

Deloris Collins
Dark Souls

Great character interaction and gripping story!

Please to reback this book it has a very scary start I have a fear of being grabbed from under the water. I think this will do well in its genre and I wish you luck with your climb to the top
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

Yep. Got to agree with Johnny on the forum. Prologue is too long, IMO. This is YA stuff - you need to grab your readers quickly as you are competing with MSN, facebook and a million and 1 other things. I liked chapter 1 - you've captured Laura perfectly, but your teenage readres may never get that far.

Hi Lisa,
Finished reading chapter nine.
I feel sorry for Laura, you've evoked her feelings of despair and loneliness nicely in this chapter. Now I'm left wondering about the evil in the lake and what's happened to the children. Are you posting more or leaving us all hanging /wondering...?
Have included the grammar edits I noticed. Some are only suggestions. Hope its helpful. Cheers Jacoba.
Will back next month when I take off some of the books waiting for the editors desk.

Chapter 9
The picture on the news had showed her picture ( repeated word, perhaps say photograph)

...and a few freckles across her nose, plus a huge smile. ( need to put in 'a' used plus to avoid too many ands.)

It's not exactly the 'norm'to think about those things.

...was a selfish act to get back at me and Siobhan. (had a instead of and)

"Do you honestly think I wanted to be here with you lot?"she screamed."I'd rather die...( I'd leave out No, I didn't, to make it flow better.)

..as the last word fell from her lips she broke into uncontrollable sobs while running past her dad and Sam as she fled... ( rearranged sentence, and changed and to as)

What gave him the right to leave her like he did? (gave instead of give)

she felt like she was drifting between two states of consciousness. Awake one moment and falling asleep the next.( Just a suggestion, I didn't quite get this sentence.)

two years he made her suffer for not wanting her. ( for instead of of)

You might want to get rid of a few 'felts out of the last paragraph.

Hi Lisa. Gone through chapter one and below are my thoughts, which I hope are of use to you. Re your question regarding the prologue, I do think it’s a little long and it does need tightening up a bit. Prologues don’t seem that popular these days, so you might want to think about making it chapter one.
Chapter 1
Wordiness: “Are you ready Laura?” her mum called up the stairs. “Oh there you are,” she said, (looking up)… I don’t think you need the bracketed words.
Wordiness: “No you can’t, they’re going on their honeymoon (in the early hours of the morning)” The bracketed words aren’t needed. The fact they’re going on their honeymoon explains why Laura can’t go with them.
Over formality & syntax: “… (Do you) hear me? The (decision is made and you are) going whether you like it or not.” Her mum’s voice had that edge to it that Laura (only knew too well)… In natural speech people use as few words as possible. For example: “…D’you hear me? The decision’s been made and you’re going whether you like it or not. Syntax: Her mum’s voice had that edge to it that Laura knew only too well.
Typo: …sod (hers) …sod her.
…hidden underneath natural curls of strawberry (blond) hair. Blond without an e is male, blonde with is female.
…but she couldn’t see them (properly) through tear filled eyes. I don’t think you need the bracketed word for two reasons. 1st it’s an adverb, 2nd it interrupts the flow of the narrative.
“Oh my (god) it’s huge.” Bracketed word should have a capital G.
Wordiness: Looking back out of the window for the child, she felt disappointed she had gone. You have two “shes”, which is a little jarring, and the sentence is generally clunky. Suggest something like: Laura looked out the window again and was disappointed to see girl had gone.
Her heart sank to her shoes at the welcoming committee. Her heart sank to her shoes at the sight of the welcoming committee.
The Victorian house (looked huge)… You’ve already stated how huge it is, with Laura’s dialogue. Suggest just: The Victorian house was a more pleasing sight than the three waiting females.
Repetition of “house.” The Victorian (house)… There was something special about this (house)… Suggest replacing the last with “place.”
Repetition: After a commentary on every (room) they came to the last (room) in the house… “I hope you like your (room) darling… The 1st room is fine, but then the rest reads a little like a list. Suggest: After a commentary on every room in the house, they came to the attic. “I hope you like it, darling…”
Typo… (over looked) the most amazing garden. Bracketed word is one word as in: overlooked.
Laura breathed in the sweet aroma of lavender, one of her mother’s favourite (shrubs). I’m not sure lavender grows on shrubs. If you haven’t already, suggest you check this out.
Syntax: “I thought you (may) think that…” Bracketed word should be “might.”
Missing word: …After reading an Enid Blyton book and was disappointed not (to) find any. Missing the bracketed word.

Dear Lisa,
A compelling couple of chapters, I only have chapter nine to go. I like the introduction of Sam, adds that extra bit of interest to the story and gives Laura someone to rely on and trust. The unvailing of the mystery was done well through Laura finding the newspaper articles. I like the way Laura did the investigating herself, and how no one in the village wants to talk about the child disappearances. Creates a more eerie atmosphere in your story. A good ending to chapter 8, you lead the reader in wanting more.
Once again I've listed the sentences, or typos that need attention. Hope its helpful. Send me a message if you need clarification.
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter 7
quotation mark at the end of the sentence not needed. The grandmother threw a look of disgust at Sam.
...the internet later and see what the search engines came up with. (avoid using would in two consecutive sentences)
...followed a few minutes silence. (two full stops)
The night had quickly turned cold and dark.

Chapter 8
The ususal kind of thing saying what a beautiful tranquil place it was. A great weekend getaway.

For a moment she thought she saw the hideous face again. ( saw not seen)

The door to the attic room creaked as it opened slowly. Laura stared at the door,rooted to the spot. She tried to reason with herself that it was all in her mind.

..and find out from him nan (from instead of off)

The storm seemed to have cleared. ( I would leave out the air.)

She opened her laptop (took out up)

..Freddy Thomas with his murder. He is due in court on July 5th to be sentenced. ( wouldn't he undergo a trial first before sentencing, as you've only said he'd been charged with the murder??)

..but his story of a monster in the lake killing ( instead of killed, wrong tense)

...and she felt comfortable around him. ( you left out felt)

Dear Lisa,

Hi, Billy McBride here. I love ghost stories, they are hard to find. One that I like in particular is Henry James' The Way they Came. I have written much also about ghosts in combonation with faries and Angels in a land called Headbuttressia, it is spoken about in my book here called The Trouble with Being a B'nayvoovah (Chapter two). I enjoyed being spooked by your tale. Well, take care of yourself.

Have a Nice Evening,

Billy McBride

Love this, it's a gripper. A few things I wanted- firstly you have two good stories which at some point will come together but you start with the 1940's one then it kind of gets left behind while we get loads of the 2008 story. I would alternate each chapter with each story to keep tempting the reader and making them want to read on. Also I would like to know the ages of laura and the 'brats' so I can understand the relationship a bit more. I would like to read more of this as and when you post it.

Hi Lisa. Just read your prologue and outlined a few thoughts, which I hope are of use to you. Your powers of description are great – I really felt as if I was there with the two boys. There’re a few problems with punctuation and layout, but on the whole this holds promise. You state in the pitch that the two boys live in the 1940s but this isn’t indicated in the prologue. I think you need to find a way to do this.
I’ll read some more chapters and get back to you.
Prologue.
Nitpick: Freddy laughed and waited for Charlie to (appear). Think this should be “reappear.”
Adverb: …he said, gripping (tightly) to Freddy’s arm. You don’t need the bracketed word. 1st, it’s an adverb, always try to find viable alternatives to them, 2nd, the word “gripping” indicates the tightness of Charlie’s hold.
… (he) said, gripping... “What was it?” (he asked)… With the use of “he” here, it’s not clear who is who. Suggest: … he said gripping… “What was it?” Freddy asked.
Particularity: They looked at each other and (jumped). Jumped where? In the air, on each other? Suggest: They looked at each other and then jumped into the water, sending ripples across its surface – something along those lines.
Syntax: Charlie swam ahead looked back at Freddy. As Charlie swam ahead, he looked back at Freddy.
…a rusty bike by the side of it(.) The frame bent and twisted… This should be one sentence: …a rusty bike by the side of it, the frame bent and twisted…
Wordiness: Freddy stared at it (for several seconds). I don’t think you need the bracketed words.
Repetition: What (could) it be for? If the rubies were real, it (could) be… Suggest replacing the 1st “could” with: What was it for?
Wordiness: Charlie beckoned him (with his hand)… Don’t need the bracketed words, what else would he beckon with? You don’t need to describe your characters’ every move. It slows down the narrative. Your descriptions are so good, they evoke an instant picture in the reader’s mind.
Syntax: He’d heard stories (off) his Grandfather… His Grandfather had told him stories…
Wordiness: There were no such things as ghosts (that he was sure of). You don’t need the bracketed words, the sentence flows better without them.
…who did it belong (too)? The bracketed word should be “to.”
Wordiness: Freddy gestured impatiently (with his hand). Again, what else would he gesture with? Since it’s obvious, you don’t need to actually state it, just: Freddy gestured impatiently.
Syntax: They only had a minute underwater before they began to have breathing difficulties. They’d already been underwater too long, they’d soon be running out of air – something along those lines.
(Hesitant) he cursed under his breath… Don’t need the bracketed word.
Particularity: He held (him) around his waist… He held his friend around his waist…
Syntax: He was (as) limp. As limp as what? Suggest just: He was limp.

I really enjoyed these nine chapters. I am wanting to know what the heck happened to Arnold and his family, my heart breaks for them. I really like Laura and very interested in finding out what happens with her.

I overall, love this story and in fact read it to my husband who has almost no attention span and he was very intrigued by your storyline and writing skills.

I do suggest having a second read through, there are some grammerical errors. I also noticed that sentence structure was different for you there than it is here. That takes some getting used to.

I really enjoyed it and can't wait to read more when you have it up or publish it into a book. I have put it on my bookshelf and given it 6 stars

Thank you

Marie

I read the prologue and then chapter 3. You do a great job of building suspense. There are a few places where I felt details were missing, such as when Arnold and Molly were grabbed by the creature. I'm not clear on exactly what happened there and I don't get enough shock in Ivor's reaction to seeing the creature. Isn't the lake notorious? Shouldn't Ivor be stricken with fear by the lake itself?

I found some grammatical points to address.

Incomplete sentence: Charlie swam ahead looked back at Freddy.

No comma needed: He pointed downward, Freddy nodded and followed.

Remove “was”: He was as limp.

Replace “don’t” with “done”: In his younger days he could have don’t this without…”

Typo: Arnold wrapped his scarf around his mouth AND nose…

Possessive: This eyes sting with the wind’s bitterness,

Overall, this is an effective story. Well done and backed.

Brian

Lisa,
Read on to chapter six, going well so far, I like the interactions with the sisters and Laura, they really aren't very nice at all!! It would be a difficult situation to be in I'd imagine. I noticed a couple of typos, nothing major. Cheers Jacoba. Will try and read more tomorrow.

Chapter five
There were three of them seated at the table. Dad at the top, Siobhan to the left of him and Laura on the opposite side to her step mother with a vacant seat between her and her father.
(sentence seemed a bit disjointed, this is just a suggestion.)

Chapter 6
She'd had that feeling last night while crouching on the stairs, although it was more likely to be her inner emotions, rather than the house.( used felt twice, and changed had had)

It's not my problem you haven't got one. ( had gone instead of got)

She muttered the same question as she had then. Could they,really? (fullstop instead of comma)

How could a cat's meow sound like a child crying? (left out a)

This is a strong genre supported by authors the likes of Anne Rice and Stephen King. You make it clear where your interests lay. I look forward to reading your story. While mine is in a different genre, it is born from the loss of family and friends. Please share your thoughts with me on "Just Out of Sight". I'll get back to you as well.
Craig (Bandof1)

The imagery completely changes in the second chapter and itis incredibly readable. You have created an effectively sympathetic character in Laura so the reader immediately cares what happens to her. The chapter is a mix of beautiful images of ideal country living, and a sense of foreboding. I like that Laura comes from a broken marriage as this adds depth to her character and the story.

What an opening chapter. The imagery immediately transports the reader to the scene. And the description of poor Charlie's flesh stripping away- nightmarish.

Hello, a very sad situation, one that parents should readily identify with.

A nit/suggestion for you, seeing as you asked for one:

When you use the expression that something happened a few years "ago," the implication is that the story is happening almost as you write.

I usually prefer to say, "A few years back," or "a few years earlier" rather than a few years ago, unless it is actually a few years ago as of the time I am writing.

Another one: "The storm was two days early ... he replied. You don't need to say "he replied," because it is obvious from the context who is saying what there.

I think your premise is good, you have set up a situation that is pregnant with possibilities, and created characters that a reader can care about. You might want to include more of the emotional content, because the language sounds almost stylized, which I don't think you want here.

Best wishes to you.

Dear Lisa,
I saw that you enjoyed Trance like me, and thought I'd give your book a look. I've read on to chapter five, and I'm enjoying it so far. I really like the two shifts in time, to bring the mystery of your story together. You have a very good grasp of descriptive language and I felt immersed in your scenes, particularly when Arnie is trying to save Molly. I like the way you end the chapters, especially this last one with the creature asking Ivor to do something for him. You just know that can't be good. The statue in the garden obviously has something to do with your plot and the haunting feel of the mansion Laura finds herself in. All in all I will be back to read more. You asked for editing comments from chapter three onwards, so I've just listed the few that I saw. Just suggestions and a couple of typos. Hope it helps. I will watchlist and star rate. Cheers Jacoba

Chapter three
"There's only one other way to get back!" ( other instead of another)

"Yes. I'll try and catch them up," he said nodding his head, his tone laced with panic.(repeated he said)

Chapter four
All the kids had been told to stay away from there, it wasn't safe. The stories told by the villagers were each as unpleasant as the last. (Missed away, broke into two sentences.)

...but that extra something that hid behind her eyes had gone. ( hid instead of hide)

It was liked the glowing embers in a fire slowly burning out.

He looked straight at Arnold, his brow creased and his face looked almost as scary as the coming storm.

Maybe if they'd taken the same route home as they came, they'd be back sitting in front of the coal fire by now.

"Get on my back Molly and I'll carry you some of the way." (repeated word 'far' in the next sentence.)

I've read two chapters now. This is a very suspenseful book, edgy, and the characters are realistic for their ages--I love the dialogue between the characters. The interaction between the mom and children are much like the interaction between myself and my three kids! Wonderful book!

Suspenseful and imaginative. Most readers will find something in this to like, no matter their age. I'm not going to comment on grammar issues because I have them myself. You could tighten the MS up, and I'm sure you will when your editing through. Most people know who Damien is, and I thought it was a good description! This is definitely one to watch. Best of luck, starred!

Dear Lisa, You must be a saint to be able to sit and write such wonderful words with so many children around. But if you are anything like me, its they who inspire me. I was reading through your book to see of it was suitable for my three eldest children, but soon I found myself fantasizing about Ivor and the children's emotional upheaval that was wonderfully spun with undertones of sentiment, which was strangely so relevant to me. It must be the Welsh in you. You were able to unlock an innovative story with your elucidatory idioms that were inspirational and original. A real contemporary creepy that is so needed among today's collection of cliche genre's. Good luck and best wishes with your book. And please look out for my future support. Take care, Cicuta. [ Carl, Arcane ].

This is a really good start for a story, starting right in the thick of things with the fishing incident and the hint of adventure building until the creature appears. There were tiny editing things here and there, but I'm guessing you'll weed these out and I see you've had advice in other comments. Nothing major that I could see. One thing I felt was lacking was a little bit of insight into Freddy and Charlie--who they are, how they are related. Of course, we know that they're young, that they're friend sharing a summer day. But I'd like at least a couple of character traits to feel a little more invested in them before the action starts. Maybe a bit more about their relationship--is one reticent, one bold? Do they get along all the time or disagree occasionally? I'm sure you develop this as it goes along. It's hard when you read just a bit of something; maybe my requirements aren't what they'd be if I was going to read the whole thing. But this was my feeling. Otherwise, a great pace and wonderful descriptive writing. Really enjoyed it.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Grimeon's Pass.
Prologue: A tense beginning. An idyllic setting where the horse-play and competitive spirit often found between boys and young adolescent males is well observed and realistically described. Also some very good visual descriptions, for example: 'Black hair squired in the water like eels.'
Nitpicks:
'As he peered over the side of the boat' etc. This pulled me out of the read as no mention of a boat had been mentioned previously so I thought they'd be fishing from land.
'Charlie swam ahead looked back at Freddy.' This sentence is awkward. I know what the author means to convey so perhaps is could read - Charlie swam ahead, turning now and then to look back at Freddy.
'A deep fear' etc - Would suggest you drop the 'A' punchier without it.
'Tried to reason with his mind.' Readers know both boys are under the water and can't speak so any reasoning or rationalising would have to be done with the mind.
'He held him' etc. Perhaps - He took hold of Charlie's waist.
'He was as limp.' Losing the 'as' would make the sentence tighter.
'Around Charlie's spirit' etc. Perhaps - Its mouth opened as if to scream but no sound came out - might read better.
'Red pillar-box red eyes.' Repetition perhaps lose a 'red'.
'Silence! he yelled.' Personally, I'd cut this as I think it takes away from the creepy dialogue/promise that comes next.
Chapter 1: Dialogue between Laura and her mother is very realistic as is Laura's opinion of adult behaviour. This continues with her father and the author conveys how disgruntled and resentful Laura is.
'They were like female versions of Damien.' I think you're referring to the character, supposedly the devil's son made flesh, from the film The Omen. Not sure if YA's will get this reference but once again you've portrayed Laura's animosity towards her step-mother and step-sisters very realistically.
'The child wore similar, but only around her waist.' To me, this seemed like the statue of the child was naked from the waist down, which I am not sure was intended. A spooky end to this chapter will keep readers turning pages.
Fluid writing with good descriptions and characterisations, realistic dialogue, well directed pace and a plot line, that not entirely original, is a variation young adults will enjoy.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi there. I browsed through your book and have enjoyed it enough to back it. My days are hectic and don’t have lots if time. If you would like a specific comment, send me a request and I’ll do my best.
Could you please take a look at mine?
Dan

I only read chapters 3 & 4. There's a great premise here, Lisa. I like the development of the story and the pace in which it's set. Cracking interaction by the characters and enlivened by excellent dialogue. You have created a sense of the surroundings with some good phrasing and wonderful word use.

The POV shifts in each chapter don't cause any stumbles so they're working for you and I can empathise with each character through what they're thinking. Well done!

Even though this is YA and not my genre I'll come back to see how this pans out. You've got your target audience firmly in your sight here, Lisa. Good luck with it!

Andrew

Prologues usually bore me but this one captured my imagination. I assumed the day would end in one or both of the boys drowning but the true horrors of what lay in store were deceitfully chilling!
I think there is some tidying that could be done here, but it is a good start.

Some thoughts which came to mind:
1. I don't think 'Willows' should be capitalised but I am not 100% sure!
2. 'Almost a minute later he emerged from the water'- was Charlie submerged for almost a minute? If so, wasn't Freddy even a little anxious? If it's something they do a lot, perhaps make this clear.
3. 'Charlie swam ahead looked back at Freddy'- there seems to be a word missing.
4. Again with, 'Before he had chance'.
5. 'Heard stories off his grandfather'- I'd suggest 'stories FROM his grandfather'.
6. 'Charlie in the dead man's float position' sounded a little odd to me.

Reading on to chapter 2, there is a fresh new tone and pace with the intoduction of Laura whose life and interests are a million miles away from the boys in the prologue. Great seamless shift creating curiosity as to how their lives will connect. I got confused over the line 'They were like female versions of Damien'- who is Damien? The only one I could think of was the one from Only Fools and Horses but surely that's a tenuous link??

Best wishes
Karen

I enjoyed this book. It is suspenseful, and I'm dying to find out more. What is the monster in the lake? What did the father promise it? What does all of this have to do with Laura? Chapter 8 ends on quite a cliff hanger. Does her father believe her now? Well done. I hope to have this in my library someday.

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy