P=LA2 Where P is Pain

Great pitch but an unusual title it didnt really grab me but the story did. As we follow Susan through the trials of her life to the overpowering emotions of both love and betrayl, we are compelled to read on. Just the book for me. Nice balance and great visual writing.
Amelia Gail
A Date in the Diary

Judith I have to congratulate you this is sooo good. I could settle myself in with nothing to eat and a log fire and drown in the pages. My sort of read. I really wish you luck with this but dont think you will need it.

Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley

P=LA2 Where P is pain
The title is difficult to understand (at least to me), but the pitch is interesting and the dialogue is good
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

You get straight into the story, and that is good. William Goldman says, 'enter a scene late, and leave early.' There is much to be said for that philosophy.
This reads well and the synopsis is promissing. My one reservation is the title, it may be awkward asking for it in the book shop.

I like Chapter one very much. Well written, and your synopsis as well drew me in. Nice style and pace.
Backed.

Suz :)

Quick scan through Ch1 Judith - you draw the reader in well. It's all very calm though - maybe a bit of mayhem to spice up the early paras - a bit of taudry sex scene flashback while talking to the married fella on the phone?
Lot's of sight anaylsis - other senses perhaps? What was she wearing - odours in the house.

Don't like stuff like: ' the room was large' - too lazy. Think of something as a comparative or compare something tiny with something big in the room.

What do I know? Just trying to help out, rather than pat on the back - best of luck. Have a look at mine please - be critical too - thanks Rob (When...?)

I haven't read too far, but this seems like the kind of book I love. You have a unique way of inviting the reader to read on. I really enjoyed the first chapter and hope to get back to read more in a day or so. I will keep it on my watchlist for further reading.

There's a quality to this i can't quite put my finger on, but its like tendrils, very gently, but very firmly it pulls you in and keeps you there. I couldn't stop reading, in the end I had to MAKE myself stop and go to the end to find out what happened.
You're a very clever writer, I wish I could do whatever it as you did here.
The writing is smooth and elegant, the characters are many layered and the feel of the time is perfect.

I think my wife can answer the question in your pitch. No doubt, my life has a lot of darkly comic undertones as well. I love two sentences in middle the first chapter. Was it "the haven I had craved" after the disintegrated marriage? Was the confidence of survival a little too optimistic? No doubt, we'll soon find out. Once she moves in, she notices the sounds from the flat of the woman upstairs. At first, Susan is content, but what is the woman like? This book fills me with questions I want to explore. Thanks for uploading the complete text; I can come back and search for the answers once I get a little more time. Backed for now.

You provide us a poignant story with an intelligent, thought provoking plot and fascinating characters. Rich imagery. Clever wit. Polished writing. Lovely prose. Backed.

Your writing is easy to read and I become interested in the MC almost immediately. I was sort of disappointed not to find out more about her in the first chapter; there's a lot about her house, but not much about her or Tony or why they are divorced.

That aside, the writing is excellent and I'm looking forward to reading more! Backed.

you have a strong authorial voice and you back this up with great skill in the structure of the writing. There is a deep sense of humour running throughout that effectively carries your wit.

backed

P=LA2: Jumped out to 15 and found the writing moved well and kept my interest even though I had not read the earlier chapters. Good work. Backed.

there are writings that attracts you no matter how distracted you are by other things around you - and they are the good ones. your book is the one. I like it. backed

shah

Your prose is beautiful and I felt like I was transported into the story by your vivid descriptions. Backed.

Laurelle
One of the WAGS

Dipped into this and have enjoyed the first ch and a bit more. You write in an easy-to-read style and it's nice to take the time to get to know the scene and MC. I will read more when I can, good luck with it, Maggie P.

I backed this several weeks ago and I am returning for a second look. First of all, given what you say in your profile, I am thrilled that this doesn't begin with venting. But:

Your first paragraph should always be the very best you can do. It's your one chance to make a first impression. Your first line isn't even original. It is followed by another banal statement and, it isn't until the end of the second paragraph that we realize you're speaking of a house, not a man.

I would try harder and do better.

FAIR CRITS
I don't have much to say as I think this is very well written and flows at a nice pace. Only comment would be to watch out when using adjectives. Sometimes there seemed to be a few too many. I.e. chapter six, first paragraph. 'startlingly blue' seems over the top.
Apart from that I thought your book was well written and drew me into the story from the first chapter. The dialogue was realistic. The MC likeable. Good luck with your book.
All the best.
Megan

FAIR CRITS
I don't have much to say as I think this is very well written and flows at a nice pace. Only comment would be to watch out when using adjectives. Sometimes there seemed to be a few too many. I.e. chapter six, first paragraph. 'startlingly blue' seems over the top.
Apart from that I thought your book was well written and drew me into the story from the first chapter. The dialogue was realistic. The MC likeable. Good luck with your book.
All the best.
Megan

It's almost dizzying, the see-saw between tension and humour here, and it definitely keeps your reader going. I think I've fallen in love with that house, too, and the intrigue is spot on!

Backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx

I'd backed you for quite a while and I'm only removing you from my shelf temporarily as I have other books I need to back. But you've grabbed me, I'm still reading... You'll be back on the shelf asap. Katie.

I have just thoroughly enjoyed your first three chapters, thank you.

I love the feeling of the book, I love feeling back in the 80's, though I was 2 in 1981, I like feeling immersed in that very different world, as you say, without text messages or mobiles. I will be reading more. It's very well written.

It's similar to my book, similar sort of thing, a girl getting over a heartbreak and finding a new direction in life, though mine is set 30 years later.

I'm backing you because I'll not put this down until I've finished. I have to know what's going on upstairs!!! Best of luck to you. Kind regards, Katie.

P.S I've met Molly Parkin, nice lady!

Ah, Pebble Mill at One...

Anyway, the writing is very good. It started off a litttle slow pace-wise but the prose flowed well and kept me reading. I think you do a good job of drawing teh reader in, setting the scene, dropping little hints about the lady upstairs etc.

i thought darren was a bit creepy at first, the way he followed her home, but since she goes to the pictures with him i guess he isn't a rapist or anything.

eileen's problem's also were nicely handled and overall i think you manage the mystery of what's goint to happen with an assured hand. Happy to back.

Your description of the house (and the pub!) pulled me in. I almost feel as if I've been there! And your characters, obviously Susan uppermost, are very accessible through their dialogue and actions, that you can't help wanting to know where this is going to go. The last scene of ch 1 with Darren is actually quite poignant. There a few cliches that you might want to reword eg. with gay abandon, a roaring fireplace, but apart from that - very enjoyable!

A well crafted and well written story. Your use of imagery is excellent, your character development is solid and I especially like your use of the first person narrative. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi,
After your gentle nudge, i thought i would come and take a look, although i was moving through the list in a set order.

Okay, the first impression of the over-all feel to your work was good, however i find it a little too 'wordy' in places and there is sometimes an over enfasis on the description. This takes away from the story and charictor depiction which for the most, part flows reasonably well. I love the idea behind Terry, he is very well portrayed, and would have liked a little more on him and his quirky ways.

I felt a little mislead by the synopsis as i feel phycological thriller mixed with comedy is a very hard thing to acheive, and can build the reader into expecting something else. I would also rethink the opening chapter as it felt very contrived and didn't represent the rest of the manuscript, as i found the further i read the more realistic the writing became.

I do really like the idea behind the story, and understand that we are all in the editing stages which is why we are on here asking for constructive critisism. I hope this view helps you to continue the polishing process as i belive there is a good book in here.

P=LA2

[R11 & 25 & 42]

I liked the opening. The first line is catchy and it comes as a surprise when we learn it’s a house and not a person. The phone call and Tony’s discomfort in case his wife catches him talking with his ex is a nice was to keep the reader’s attention whilst developing the characters. The exposition is really well done. By the end I feel I really know these people. The description of West Dunlin is magnificent and I really like Susan. Eileen’s story is great, and the two are going to get on like a house on fire, I would think from the opening. The mysterious lady upstairs and her handsome visitor add an air of mystery and looking at the pitch this is going to lead to a great story. Great characters, great narration and a great story to be told.

I’m backing this. And I’d be extremely grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

This is the genre book I love. You write so well and give the reader a wonderful sense of character and place. Those are the pluses. On the minuses, a plodding plot. I wonder if the length of the chapters make the central conflict of any chapter less obvious. The tension gets lost in so many domestic details and descriptions and sometime overly wordy sentences. Still, a pleasant read, and engaging main character.

Julie Farkas
Morning Call

I backed because the title intrigued me. Who has this such of this title? only your book. That makes the readers wonder what is about? When they are curious they will buy your book. The cover of your book intrigued me too.
Do you feel proud of it? Will you be appreciated with my comment without going to the chapters of your book? I think it is awesome. I will take it.

Interesting title. This is a fascinating story.
backed with pleasure
Bamboo Promise

Fair Crits Review of P=LA2:
I read the first three chapters, then cheated and read the last two (you have one more still that is blank, by the way). Your pitch dared me to put this book down, and I must admit that was not easy to do. You have a way of carrying a thread of suspense from one chapter to the next that is very addictive. Anyway, here's my analysis.

Chapter One--I thought the beginning of this chapter was some of the best writing in this book that is filled with fine writing. You begin setting the scene by showing us the mysterious West Dunlin House overlooking the tumultuous Solway Firth. MC Susan speaks with her newly divorced husband Tony over the telephone. We learn from the conversation that she is bright and funny and quite capable of carrying at least a minor grudge that could manifest itself in playful sadism at the least. Susan then describes the other half of her shared quarters. It is inhabited by female footpads and shrouded with lace curtains. A man is seen to visit. He carries a bird cage (significant, I think) out to a silver Audi that Susan seems to find more significant. The hook is well set! You then go on to describe Susan's work and to develop a relationship with Eileen. This is all well and good, but I think I would either start a new chapter here or spread the information out among other chapters as the key element of the introduction is complete and this material drags the first chapter out a bit too much.

Chapter Two--Eileen becomes more important, but mainly this chapter is used to introduce Susan to Terry, the mysterious Audi (or bird cage) man. Very nicely handled except that I felt Susan fell too hard too fast (but then again, I'm an anti-romantic). She said he was "gorgeous" and we could sense his magnetism, but I'd like more specifics--maybe some metaphorical self-analysis of what she was feeling.

Chapter Three--First date. The evening begins with a funny faux pas involving the book Bosom Pals, then Terry takes Susan to his favorite hangout where we meet his shady friend Swede, observe that he tells Susan next to nothing about his personal life and learn that his face hides a strange scar. Very ominous.

Chapters 24 + 25--I'm improvising a bit now because of missing what came between. It sounds as if Terry turned out to be not only a charmer, but also an abuser and womanizer. Susan and another victim, Lindy, had devised a plan to kill him but were preempted by the jealous Celia. At the end all are grieved but relieved. I didn't see this coming, but it works for me. Actually, I'd anticipated Susan getting back together with Tony. Your ending is better, though, if you can deliver the passion and disturbed emotions you describe in the pitch.

All in all, I thought this was an excellent read. The tension was thick throughout and the writing was smooth. I was thrown off for a second by the similarity in the names Tony and Terry, but I always struggle with names. No major changes advised--I think this can stand as it is.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Haven't read much but I'm loving what I've seen so far. It was easy to get into and very interesting. There are some well developed characters that the reader can relate to. This has got some wonderful potential.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Although I have only read the first chapter or so, this book has gotten my interest quickly and easily. I would like to read more and do this book justice before I make any comments, but I have backed this book with pleasure.

L.C. (Northern Escape)

This is an engrossing book, and I've ended up reading far more of it than I originally intended. You are an excellent writer, as I'm sure you know already. You set your scene beautifully, with detailed descriptions and striking imagery. I particularly liked the line about Scotland, 'menacing in the distance, purple and bruised.' Your characters are three dimensional. We quickly get to know Susan, an attractive personality, fond of books, recovering from the damage done to her emotions by her first husband, Tony, but ready to fall for the handsome Terry not much later. As a first person narrator, we easily slip into Susan's skin, and experience everything alongside her, as if we were her; and it's your skill in creating such a consistent character which makes this happen. I've been absorbed in reading this enjoyable book, and only realised how far I'd gone when Terry came back from 'working' in Scotland, and Susan, wanting to believe him, agreed to go round for a meal. You make Terry such a sweet, loving, believable person that's it's no surprise Susan is about to get sucked in again. But for all the serious, hurtful things Susan experiences, you write with a lot of humour, which is a bonus for me. I loved, for example, Susan's teasing phone conversation with Tony, which starts the book off in the light mood you maintain so effectively. A really enjoyable book, written to a fully professional standard. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I'm so glad this has been self published. I will definitely consider buying it!
Your writing is at a professional level and it's so nice to read something with such a light hearted voice, yet intriguing and enjoyable.

Backed with pleasure.
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

Fair Critters review: Judith, I've read chapters 1-3 and I'm impressed by your writing, which is detailed and fluent. I also very much like the psychological thriller element and I think you can really hook the reader in with your descriptions of mysteious footsteps heard upstairs, the uneasiness breaking into new found domestic comfort, the glimpse of a stranger, the note etc. I do think that you need to move the plot a little faster at the outset and prune away some of the detail---we don't need, necessarily, to know the titles of films, books etc., unless they advance the plot. What we do need is sensory impressions---touch, smell, etc., and a cranking up of the mystery. And, forgive me for saying this, but I don't think the telephone conversation at the beginning adds anything. I think it might be better if your protagonist was just remembering the man she'd left.

Do watch out for repetitions---in an early paragraph, for example, you use 'scant' twice in 2 different contexts.

But I do like your writing. Backed with pleasure.

Fair Critters review
This began a little too slowly for my tastes yet, paradoxically, I was drawn in. I guess because I felt that if something eventually did happen, it would be pretty good. This is a very accomplished piece of writing with thoroughly believeable and well drawn characters. I like descriptive passages and you do them very well, giving the reader a great sense of place. I like the 'Hitchcockian' feel of the situation and Terry's creepiness is made clear without giving too much away. His comment on Susan's kitchen is particularly chilling. I'm sure you have a number of surprises lined up. I shall back this because it deserves it.

Hi Judith, Because Susan doesn’t brood on about her ex, her narrator voice is exciting in a quiet way. That she fell in love with house and told her ex that – really good start. The cozy atmosphere of her environs along with the mystery of her neighbor enhanced. I was immersed by that time and much had to do with Susan’s coolness with her acquaintances and her readiness for the unfamiliar “gorgeous’ one. There’s a psychological pull in this! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The narration in this is quite incredible: clever descriptions, lots of intrigue, and above all the accurate psychology of a divorcee in the '80s. The mysteries and the women in this are well balanced against Terry's malevolence; the situations are just this side of believable so that we can still appreciate how, well, insane the whole thing is.

I'm not sure about the title. As a general rule, shorter titles are better; though this one's so different that it might do well on the basis of standing out. You'd have to ask someone in the industry about them.

The long descriptions work because they're interjected with Susan's own thoughts and observations. Occasionally, this isn't the case--for instance, when she's describing everyone at work, the paragraphs take on the nature of a list. You could space some of them out more, or simply alter the structure a little so they don't all start with name + characteristic, etc. There's also a few too many adverbs in certain parts, especially when you're describing actions around a dialogue.

Otherwise, I think this is a great example of the genre that hits the target audience and is the kind of thing any book-lover could curl up with in front a fire. The fire's probably powered by gas now, but the sentiment will be the same!

P=LA2 WHERE P IS PAIN:

Judith,

I was intrigued by your pitch and couldn't wait to read the novel. I love the first person narration, and you do this really well. I also like it that you take us straight into the action, with dialogue and exposition to bring us into the picture without any long explanations. I would cut out "as it was in my case", as this is quite obvious, and this phrase also detracts from the humour. Also it's always good to let the reader jump to his own conclusions, especially when you have so succinctly made it quite clear.

Your writing is a joy to read. Vivid and full of description. Excellent syntax and and therefore a really good flow to your prose. I would just be a bit wary about using the plu-perfect tense, when the straight past tense works just as well, as this distances the reader from the action. (In other words you don't need "had" in most cases, although of course this isn't a hard and fast rule. Sometimes it's necessary).

It's a wonderful story and I wish I had time to read it all. But I will when it's published.

Backed, with great pleasure.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

i would not normaly read a book like this this. but as a change to my normal read, this would be the thing for me...good writing...
su dan[seasons]

Suey Sausage! Such terms of endearment. Backed earlier. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Hi Judith,

Firstly, let me say that this is not something I would normally pick up and read. I feel I've been afforded the chance to peer into a completely different avenue from what I'm used to and I'm glad to be here.

You are a very good writer. Your characters are strong and you allow the reader a real chance to get to know each in different ways. Descriptively, you paint a very detailed picture and invite the viewer to roll along with the story at a savoury pace. I did find the story to be a slow burner and see there to be a style in such things but I did crave more conflict, more often. This, I believe, is more a matter of personal taste than anything. Saying that, I Myself have fallen into the trap of getting lost in my own imaginings and painting out every minute detail of my tale for all those to see and neglected my duty as a storyteller and let the pace of the narrative slow the story down. I guess it's all down to style really. P=la2 begins with a fresh start and recovery from passed heartaches. I like Susan and really want to see her become happy. You have a wonderful way of creating this sinister undertone where I am fearful of falling anvils and bloody shower scenes every time the poor woman does anything. I checked out chapter 10 and I somehow feel safer knowing the cat is with her.

I wish you all the best,

Jonjo

Most enjoyable, cozy read. Backed with best wishes,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

I enjoyed this and particularly admired a heroine who could find time to lay & light a fire on moving day. Backed. Kop - The Lucky Bean Tree.

Thoroughly enjoyed... I wish you the very best of luck. kind regards pinkcoffee

Backed with pleasure! Jocelyn E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Nesting in a new apartment can be cleansing for the soul, until Terry enters the scene. That's when the tension builds and the reader settles in for a good read. Excellent descriptions and a smooth writing style makes this story compelling. Well done.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Dear Judith, I love fiction, romance, comedy, & thriller - what a mix. :) And what an ending! Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Your pitch drew me in Judith, because sometimes I'd love to disappear to some remote windswept shore. Beautifully described and your story flows for an easy read. Good luck, mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)