The Greater and the Lesser Lights

Great pitches and a tremendous and original start. I am sure to return for more, even though I don't often search out this genre. Backed Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

I LOVE your pitches . . . I want to read MORE and will when I get some time (working on a new project:) In the meantime - BACKED! Blessings - Kat

Pure poetry. An eloquent first person narrative. The world is dark and brooding, rich in description. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Jen
Just wanted to let you know done, yes finished the read. Great work, and though I have commented and backed your book before just wanted to take the extra time to say so CONGRATS.
Denise
The Letter

Writing in the voice of a young child comes with its own set of challenges, and you have hit the mark superbly with this, lending the whole thing an extra level of eerie emotion. I was immediately engaged and interested, pulled into your dark world enriched with historical detail. Others have suggested a few improvements, so I will leave it at the simple fact that I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters of this, and I plan to be back for more.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx
Relic

I have spent a few days thinking about the development of the supporting characters because it is the same critique I gave myself months ago. At that time, the supporting characters were nothing more than shades. They never spoke, and had no character at all. The idea was that, since Azura is the narrator, and she cares nothing about these people, she would not take the time to know them, much less share that information in her narrative. Also, I wanted to convey her strangeness and solitude as a young child.

I acknowledge that the description of Azura's family is shallow. I hope characterization of supporting cast is deeper later in the book. That is how I tried to show the development of her character.

Hi Jen,

I'm not much for vampire books - but this one caught my attention primarily because your narrative starts with the voice of a child, which is very difficult to achieve. The imagery is good with a great gothic feel. although the supporting characters could use a little more diversity. Apart from being cautious and perhaps even fearful of the child one is hardly distinguishable from the next. Development of your "supporting characters" will also help to show development of your MC.

Well written, and certainly worth taking the time to read. Backed.

Jenny
Remember Newvember

Hi Jen,

I'm not much for vampire books - but this one caught my attention primarily because your narrative starts with the voice of a child, which is very difficult to achieve. The imagery is good with a great gothic feel. although the supporting characters could use a little more diversity. Apart from being cautious and perhaps even fearful of the child one is hardly distinguishable from the next. Development of your "supporting characters" will also help to show development of your MC.

Well written, and certainly worth taking the time to read. Backed.

Jenny
Remember Newvember

From the pitch, I was a little scared this may be just another Twilight-esque book, written on the back of their success, but this is so much more. It almost reminds me of 'Wuthering Heights'; it has that kind of feel to it. It's like a classic, but a classic which is easy and pleasant to read. Lovely prose with great descriptions and enough suspense to keep the reader interested.
Good luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

THE GREATER AND THE LESSER 6/17/2010

I had a bit of trouble understanding the pitch. Almost too much information that requires explanation. Chapter 1 - second paragraph, if it is sunset, we know it is going to be dark. Not necessary to tell us. I'm also confused by the falling beam. What is that all about? The questions posed by the MC seem a little awkward and slow down the story. They make the reader stop to figure out what they have to do with it. At this point it is not clear to me exactly what's going on with the MC. I assume she is different than most folks, but there is little evidence of that until late in the chapter. If she is different, I would like to know up front what it's all about.

When the scene changes, some kind of break is needed. It saves the reader from unexpected reorientation.

I like the imagery in the story. Descriptions bring the reader into the scene.

Chapter 2 - Much of the prose can be condensed into more meaningful sentences, moving the story along. For example, traveling to the wharf:

Our lengthy walk took us through meandering streets to the wharf, where my grandfather's flute, the "Papillon," lay at anchor. I remained quiet behind my grandfather, and watched through the hot autumn glare as the army of sailors prepared the ship for the voyage.

Short, concise, descriptive, and nothing important was lost.

I realize you have have several comments about the sentences and phrases. All of it might sound good, however, much of it is a bit wordy and redundant. The thoughts repeat, first in a question, then an answer that we already know. It slows down a good story and adds many unnecessary words.

This is an absolutely fascinating story. I don't usually get into the vampire thing, but I admit this story is arresting. In the later chapters, the pacing is good and the story deviates from the standard vampire convention. I think with some judicious editing and cutting, you will have a real gem. Good luck with it.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

THE GREATER AND THE LESSER 6/17/2010

I had a bit of trouble understanding the pitch. Almost too much information that requires explanation. Chapter 1 - second paragraph, if it is sunset, we know it is going to be dark. Not necessary to tell us. I'm also confused by the falling beam. What is that all about? The questions posed by the MC seem a little awkward and slow down the story. They make the reader stop to figure out what they have to do with it. At this point it is not clear to me exactly what's going on with the MC. I assume she is different than most folks, but there is little evidence of that until late in the chapter. If she is different, I would like to know up front what it's all about.

When the scene changes, some kind of break is needed. It saves the reader from unexpected reorientation.

I like the imagery in the story. Descriptions bring the reader into the scene.

Chapter 2 - Much of the prose can be condensed into more meaningful sentences, moving the story along. For example, traveling to the wharf:

Our lengthy walk took us through meandering streets to the wharf, where my grandfather's flute, the "Papillon," lay at anchor. I remained quiet behind my grandfather, and watched through the hot autumn glare as the army of sailors prepared the ship for the voyage.

Short, concise, descriptive, and nothing important was lost.

I realize you have have several comments about the sentences and phrases. All of it might sound good, however, much of it is a bit wordy and redundant. The thoughts repeat, first in a question, then an answer that we already know. It slows down a good story and adds many unnecessary words.

This is an absolutely fascinating story. I don't usually get into the vampire thing, but I admit this story is arresting. In the later chapters, the pacing is good and the story deviates from the standard vampire convention. I think with some judicious editing and cutting, you will have a real gem. Good luck with it.

Marc - Where's The Ivy

You know, I absolutely hated the "Twilight" book - even although it became the best selling series it did. This book of yours is so far beyond anything of this genre I have ever read, and I've read them all from Salem's Lot to Dracula and beyond.

I loved how it built early on to the handling of the teacher and her demise. So understated and menacing at the same time. I want to print this out so's I can read it wherever I am. Not many books have me feel that I am "in" them, but this one does. "Azura" - I like her, I am afraid of her and I want to get to know her.

Very well done indeed!

Think your style is perfect for this book!
Just when I thought I wasn’t going to have my daily dose of vampires and I came across yours (and glad I am too!).
I get a feel of a well-structured book there is a balance I have engaged with in other books of this genre.
Just past pickling cucumbers and get a sense there is a brilliant story developing here. – Good luck!

I loved the gothic feel to this. You take time to build up a looming sense of dread that is most enjoyable. One to read by the fireside on a stormy winter's evening, I think, when the wind rattles the latches and things go bump in the night. Best wishes, Harriet

Melancholic and quieter than most of the vampire tales I've read on this site BUT this still ranks with the best of them.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book.

A pleasure to read, haunting and poignant prose. Great plot. and characters, best wishes
Alison Butler

Hi Jen,
haunting has been a word much used by your commentators and I see why. You have a very poetic and melancholic style.
I felt that your short pitch is intriguing and adds a tangible air of the macabre.
BACKED.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

A very engaging entre and the haunting, searching voice engenders the perfect sense of being and existential questioning that leads to higher life.

Good atmospheric prose is right on for this dark tale. The last sentence of C1 is a beaut. Backed.

Interesting vampie tale with a twist. The writing is very natural sitting easily with the reader. There is a creepy atmosphere in the writing which sits at the back of your mind almost like storm clouds on the horizon. Well done.

Unique and unusual writing, strange and disturbing, but also poetic. Backed - Luk

THE GREATER and the Lesser Lights: Your first chapter is beautifully written. I look forward to when I can sit and savor more of this. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I've nipped over here for some light relief from work and wasn't quite sure what to expect from your book - but it's great. Love the haunting, melancholy ambiance and the ambiguity of your character. What is bad, what is good? I love that uncertainty, the grey areas....it's something I look at in my own work a lot. I keep a pad by me when I read books here but it's stayed pretty empty. Yeah, there's the odd missing comma or tiny grammar glitch but nothing worth making a fuss about. I love what you're doing and it's the kind of book I'd certainly buy. Sorry I haven't read more than the first two chapters - I struggle reading on screen - but I'm very happy to back you with it.

This is very intriguing. I like the way you start this with the little girl not know what she looked like to what happened to her parents, the way she starts to explore and notice that she is different from everyone else, how her grandparents hid her from the world, and how they won't tell her very much about her parents. I liked the line, "God was a mother bird, while my father was a peacock and a scoundrel." I'm enjoying this so far and am glad you uploaded the complete text. I can come back and read more when I get a little time. Backed for now.

The Greater and the Lesser Lights
Jen Messaros

Jen,
I read your pitches and first chapter. I found the Memories of Childhood interesting. There were some nice sentences/segments which I really enjoyed. "Where was the top of the sky? The stars shone down from an impossible height...." "Where are my parents?" "Your parents are both dead." Not the answer a child wants to hear. "I fled. God was not my father. I had no desire to communicate with him." An unusual vampire tale and Azura easily grows on one. A forceful novel so far and I was happy to have given this a spin on my bookshelf. All the best in getting it published Jen.
Zan

A very haunting and self-exploratory beginning to your novel with a definate twist to the vampire genre. Your use of short paragraphs coupled with your highly descriptive writing style makes this finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. Your work is well paced, well written and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Jen, I love happy endings - yous makes me tearful because I never had a happy ending as you'll see in my memoir. Hope you'll write more books. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

This is a cut above other vampire stories I've read. The writing is excellent. It is stark, yet rich, and with some really memorable lines (French was the language of hatred) and powerful scenes (Miss Persecution beating her head against the wall) and Azura is a very strong and intriguing main character. All in all, great!

I've read the first two chapters and really liked them. Poor Azura. I like your descriptions of wandering through the night. You make it sound very beautiful. And I really liked the part where Azura refuses to understand French. I think it's a very natural reaction and works well in the story to highlight her isolation. I didn't see Miss Persecution's fate coming at all. I hope I get a chance to read more of this. I'd like to see where you're going with it.

What a unique and different story! I have to say I'm not big on vampire stories, but I do like the psychological drama and inner reflection. Nice job! BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Wow, loved it, I loved the short pitch, good luck. Backed E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Thank you very much for your analysis, I appreciate the attention to detail. I put my events in that order purposely, in order to intrigue. Did her mother die first? I don't want to spoil it for you, just in case you (or anyone else who reads this) are curious enough to read on. Thanks again, Jen

Your character is a bit philosophical and it appeals well for literary fiction, in my opinion. Strong word choices, each one seems carefully selected. You don't fall into the trap of droning on about one thing, keeping a nice pace.

one small suggestion. If you reword your short pitch, you can give a better sense of continuity.

In the year 1764, my mother died and I was born.

She was born first, then her mother died, correct? I realize you are saying both happened in that year, but reader (at least English readers) read from left to right. they process thoughts from left to right. We take in ideas as they are presented, left to right.

So, the continuity is more clear if you say "In th year 1764, I was born and my mother died."

Also, this puts emphasis on the word died. But maybe that's why you had it reversed too. Another option might be.

I was born in the year 1764, the same year my mother died.
or
In 1764 I was born. Mo mother died that same year.

IDK, play around with it. Just throwing that idea out there for you to consider.

Good luck with this. Already backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Your character is a bit philosophical and it appeals well for literary fiction, in my opinion. Strong word choices, each one seems carefully selected. You don't fall into the trap of droning on about one thing, keeping a nice pace.

one small suggestion. If you reword your short pitch, you can give a better sense of continuity.

In the year 1764, my mother died and I was born.

She was born first, then her mother died, correct? I realize you are saying both happened in that year, but reader (at least English readers) read from left to right. they process thoughts from left to right. We take in ideas as they are presented, left to right.

So, the continuity is more clear if you say "In th year 1764, I was born and my mother died."

Also, this puts emphasis on the word died. But maybe that's why you had it reversed too. Another option might be.

I was born in the year 1764, the same year my mother died.
or
In 1764 I was born. Mo mother died that same year.

IDK, play around with it. Just throwing that idea out there for you to consider.

Good luck with this. Already backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Not sure if i already backed this or not?
So thought I should do it again just incase.
David
Bailey of the Saints

I only read chapter one, but this is beautifully written, almost poetry. I never thought I would bond with a little lonely ghost, but I did. I am delighted to back this book so full of imagery.
BADD

This is some beautifully written prose with a true lyrical quality. Very easy to read, it is also profound in its ideas and descriptions. Your story is a most interesting one and I enjoyed your pitch. However, even this didn;t prepare me for the excellence of the book itself. I am delighted to support this.
Carl
The Time hunters.

Your writing is beautiful, poectic sounding even. You write like a pro. This story is unique and cery imaginitive. I haven't read as much as I want to, yet, but I do plan on realing more. Beautiful story.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Jen, I think that your book is very interesting and unique, the lines drawn between the daughter and father and his inability to nurture her humanity is a powerful component to this story. You made some wonderful language choices and you have a great imagination.
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I have to say this took me by surprise a little. It's very well written and you've got an excellent narrative voice. It felt like a polished work. I love your main character, she's engaging and relatable, which can be hard in this genre, especially a vampire book for me. It was easy to read and flows very nicely. I don't have anything negative to say about this. You've worked hard on this, I can tell. Best of luck with it! Oh, LOVE the name Azura!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

nicely written backed
anba
L.O.V.E

Superbly written, you have a great imagination and your story telling voice is second to none. You drew me in from your pitch when you said 'my mother died and I was born'.

A wonderful read that I'm sure is going to be appreciated by a wider audience than Authonomy.

Happily shelved

Melxx

This is a remarkable piece of work. Your writing has a sombre tenor that is perfect for the genre', and a literary quality that is truly engaging. With lines like, “The moon was a chip in the sky, the stars tiny shards of what had damaged it”, the reader is emersed into Azura's troubled world. The last line of Chapter One was perfect... If you're a reader and you've started out by scanning these comments, do yourself a favor and read the book. It's excellent. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Man, no complaints here. You mastered both the pitches. Congrats! Being Authonomy's #1 commentator, trust me, I see planty on a daily basis that just outright suck. But yours don't. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Melancholy, plangent prose, perfect for the subject matter. You've rescued the vampire story from Authonomy. Backed. Lynn

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Chapter 1 to 3, 30 to end. What a haunting tale you have woven here, full of sadness but with the promise of hope. You create the historical setting with a light hand but it is your characterisation that pulls this above the ordinary. No obvious typos etc but will return later to read more.Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown