Deception

Hello Holly, your book is way out of my genre and age group, so I am afraid to say anything other than keep on writing and re-write a lot of this book, taking notice of the comments already made. You have a very good talent and the writers eye for detail etc., so I would encourage you to keep on going, you will get to the big sales when the right time comes with the right book and story.
I had to read some of the comments below to see what others thought of your writing, as I have said, you have a gift and you just need to polish things up and I am certain the big day will come to you eventually.
Norman. The Witches of Hambone series (Fromante)

Holly:
Good dialogue overall. Chapter one could really benefit from some revising, in particular, trimming away some unnecessary stuff. Like some other young writers, you give a brief 'intro' to characters when you introduce them, and this is not always necessary or desirable.

A small nitpick--I found the long relationship of Alena and her boyfriend--since 2nd grade!!!--to be very unbelievable. Alena almost comes across as your wish fulfillment character.

Anyway, I think you definitely have potential, and I say this as a middle school writing teacher who has seen lots of teen writing.

Best of luck!
Mike Vasich
"Loki"

Hi Holly, I've read up to chapter six and found the story a real snapshot of life in a school. If I have a nitpick, it is perhaps the very short sentences, being rather statements. Once speech begins, more in chapter three and beyond your writing settles down. If you think about removing a great many I's, substituting for other words then you will have a fascinating story.
Kelly - Supermodel

Hi Holly,
A very interesting read, a little like a screenplay - sell those film rights. A few typos, like "a pain (sic) of Louis Vuitton pumps," but I lied it very much. Backed with pleasure. Please take a look at Parallel Lives if you get the chances. Good luck.

Backed! Good luck with it,

Amy
Love Match

Holly,

This looks like an interesting piece of work. I admit I found it very hard to relate to Alena in the first chapter, as she comes off as very vapid and fake (very stereotypically high-school prom queen to me), but as the story progresses a stronger character emerges in response to events, so I think you worked it well.

Good luck!
Abi xxx

Hi Holly, You have a way with dialogue and besides that, I could follow and enjoy the current high school slang. I think YA would like this being so reflecting of their social behavior. Alena’s security with her status and Brad give her a leadership role that it seems she’s itching to explore. She has such a steady image that I can see how things could flare up at any change. You’ve set this up well! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Holly, your first chapter is a smooth read. You seem to have an ear for dialogue. Only thing you need to address is your lack of commas in direct address. For instance: "I think it's a great idea (insert comma here) Alena."

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

A boy shows up, winks, disappears; girlfriends are freaked out; so what do we do now?
Mysterious unfolding of not-so-dear terms of friendship in teen hell. Backed earlier. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Lots of interesting twists to guide your story. The characters are well described. Good luck, mariecapri

The character is well-drawn as a teen that is popular on the outside but frustrated on the inside, as evident by her home life. You do a good job hinting that something weird is going on. You could probably add some more foreshadowing about how much it will disrupt her life and change her relationships with her friends.

I also wrote my first novel in the present tense, but several agents told me to change it to past tense. Most novels are in past tense and, generally, only established authors can get away with writing in the present tense. I actually think this would be better in the past tense because then you could talk about how bad things will get as the story goes on. It's hard to do that in the present tense, because the character doesn't know her future.

Typo: “I’ve found the cutest (pair) of Louis Vuitton pumps.”

There are parts in chapter two with too much dialog back to back.

This is a good effort so I will back it.

Brian
Mute

This is really nicely written, your pitch drew me to read it and the premise seems a good one.
Did find a little helpful nit for you.
The house is themed to look like France...

Your descriptions inform the reader perfectly.

Very happy to shelve your book.

Melxx

I enjoyed this a lot, probably would have kept reading if there were more. I think you've written it very well and I love your main character, Alena, she's a strong MC that I will be happy to follow to the end. The descriptions are wonderful and it really drew me in. I think this is something that is marketable, and I for one would want to buy it.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

I can go for the shhort pitch; works for me. The long pitch? Think you can use a bit more exposition to deliver the goods. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

This is a good story. I like the way you begin with Alena having a pretty average day. Makes a good contrast when things start to turn strange. She's a likable main character. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

You are a talented writer! This is so well crafted and intelligent! BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room