Silence of the Angels

Dear Noorhan
firstly i must say that this book cover is in the top 5 for sure even higher for me. CONGRATS i could not pass it by. then your short and long pitch screamed read me and do i go on. I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

The prologue has a healthy kick for the reader, dropping them straight into the emotional strain of student relationships, excellently handled.

Your management of the present tense is something that others find difficult and stumble on quite a lot but you have held yourself strongly in place and I see by chapter three that you are making a small artistry of the method. Whilst the Prologue and chapter two are drawing a tight rein in around the central characters, it is in three that tensions really begin to bubble out. Rhys begins to bare his teeth whilst Evan keeps his annoying cool.

The breeze in of the mother is classically done and your equally breezy description of her is a model of the haziness of her character; excellent. It is amuzing that she manages to get in that "cut class" affront in such a seemingly benign way; she is a sublimely dominating and air headed at the same time.

One typo: "She extends her hand and shakes hands with each of the (m) daintily". That word daintily is the prefect choice. .


BACKED

Hi Noorhan,

I just spotted your book and thought it sounded interesting. I'm going to have a good read. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Beautiful start. I can almost hear the haunting music. The boy playing the piano's v odd in appearance, isn't he? Almost otherworldly. I wonder what secrets he holds.

I've a small suggestion here. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in " "U-un peu," I stammer...” we know she's stammering from the dialogue itself. I think just " "U-un peu," I say..." would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Wow this guy has a real effect o her, doesn't he? ...

In the next scene, it looks like she's having a real bad day. Broken alarm. Woke late. No juice etc. She has a Harley, though, so I'm not gonna feel too sorry for her. grrr I'm jealous ;). When she gets to school, Shawn's there. I feel sorry for her a bit now. She's obviously in a real muddle about the guy for some reason. Rhys rescues her, though. I think he's a good guy ;).

Hmm I wonder why Shawn wants to get back together but she doesn't. He must really have hurt her. Oh and it looks like Evan's joining her class. Things keep getting worse for her today, don't they?

I've a tiny suggestion when you get to the art class section. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long. They could make for intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Reading on... Awww I thought it was v sweet when Gabby helped the bird with the broken wing. This girl seems like a really sympathetic person. I also get the feeling there’s been sorrow in her past from the way she reacts. Cleverly implied ;).

Lunch break. I'm enjoying the easy, conversational style of writing you're using, by the way. I think it's great for getting us inside Arianne's head. + it's perfect for your audience. They should love it. Hmmm we get more hints that Shawn really messed her about here. I was glad she told his friend she wouldn’t take him back, Good for her. Ominous words that Shawn will have her 1 way or the other, though. Nasty implication. I hope it's an empty threat.

Uh oh bad chapter ending for her. Looks like she's broken her leg. Will she be OK? I'll have to read on to find out. ;)

Chapter 2: Looks like she's in hospital, drugged up. Her friends are there, but Rhys is really worked up. Evan seems v solicitous , though ;). Good dialogue between her and the boys. Sounds v real. And yup, her leg's broken :(. Oh and the bone burst through the skin. Nasty. She needs surgery.

I almost laughed aloud at her mum calling the boys "little". Her mum really seems like she's got her head in the clouds. I can't believe she just shot in and out on such a short visit. Shocking! Wow I can't believe Arianne went to the reception desk either. She's really tough. No surprise the effort made her black out, though.

Hmmm the next scene with Evan's weird. A hint he's more than human. There's definitely something supernatural about him, I think.

Then the surgery's all over and she goes home. Wow from the surroundings, she must be rich. Lucky sod ;). Their house is even called a manor! Interesting to learn she's a bookworm. I like her a bit more now. ;)

Odd character trait that she eats desert 1st. No reason not to, I guess. It's just unusual. I guess it shows she really has a mind of her own. Unusual for somebody her age. Then there's a message from Shawn. It'd be thoughtful if it weren’t for the fact he only seems out from himself. His persistence is more creepy than flattering, I think.

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "Rhys smirks. "Ari, Ari, Ari, you naughty girl..." I'd write something like " "Ari, Ari, Ari, you naughty girl." Rhys smirks...".

Reading on... Wow Shawn’s really gone overboard with the flowers. Must have cost him a fortune. Evan's little offering seems paltry by comparison, but I bet it's more heartfelt.

I blinked when they go to starbucks and I learned Rhys' friends are into drugs. I didn't know he was the type. And the way he uses girls sounds pretty low too :(.

Uh oh... who's following her on the way home? 4 or 5 boys, maybe gang members. This doesn't look good :(. I'm impressed she keeps her cool so well when it looks like they're thinking about raping her. Just in time, Evan comes to the rescue. The last person she expected. I was amazed when Evan laid hands on her leg and healed it. I knew he was more than he seemed, but I didn't realise he was this special!

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is v believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. Will Ari be able to fend off Shawn? And who/what is Evan really?

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get published. I think kids will love your writing. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Dear Noorhan, you're not active here, but your voice still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

The use of present tense took me a bit of getting used to but, after a while, it was fine. You do dialogue very well and carry the voices of your characters, adding depth to them. Description is well done, enough to anchor the reader without swamping them in detail.

Noorhan,

Excellent work! This is clear, concise with just enough detail to paint the world perfectly for the reader. Your MC reads very authentic, and I'm really enjoying this as I go!

Nice job! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

10 September 2010
The Silence of Angels is couched in excellent, direct descriptive prose. The plot , which could quite easily become complex and possibly convoluted, is adeptly organised so that this does not happen. The blending of the elements of fantasy, romance, youth and conflict is adroit and this is an entertainingly good read. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Dear Noorhan

so pleased to see that my comment is one of your favorites. I am still following your marvelous book as it climbs to the top. CONGRATS so far... if you get the time to comment on my book that would be great. best of luck Noorhan
Denise
The Letter

You are totally fantastic, Noorhan! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Nan, poetic prose. on my shelf.
i see you want real feedback so i'll be direct. just my opinion so pls take with a grain.
i'd follow Patrick Barrett's advice. tighten/clarify.
a publisher/edtior might have to re-read some sentences/phrases.
e.g., "no being could compare the haunting melody" - love the emotion. however, and i'm being VERY picky here, it's not clear if you meant no being could compare -to- the melody, or no being could compare the melody to something else. or both?
best, andy

Has been backed with pleasure.

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

This has potential,especially for the young adult market. Go through carefully and edit slowly, (Humane should be human) for instance. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

I really enjoyed this first chapter. The characters are rich and the dialogue really pulls in the reader. Great Job! I've gladly BACKED it! :P

- Scott

I've read the first five chapters, and feel that this has great promise. I would suggest some editing, to fix some typing/spelling errors and the occasional missing word, and - more importantly - to fix the viewpoint. Your narrative jumps from present to past tense and back again, which I found very distracting.

I have a few nit picks:
- Was the piano that Evan was playing really made of ivory? Or just the keys?
- During the fight in the alley, for Arianne to kick the guy in the solar plexus, she'd have to put all her weight on her broken leg, which seems unlikely to say the least.
- If Arianne's family have a cook and a driver, I'm surprised she was expected to do her own ironing.

These tiny niggles aside, I've really enjoyed reading this story and I feel that this book has huge potential in the YA market.

Backed with pleasure
Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

Hi Norham, I have just read some of your work, your first chapter is enjoyable with great dialogue. From your pitch your book sounds interesting.

All the best with this.

Michelle

Hi Noorhan, great characters and dialogue. That's enough for a backing from me. Good luck with the rest of it.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Dear Norhan, I would love to comment on your book & back it. :) Your pitch & prologue & titles are great hooks for me to read more. I love high school stories because I've been there, done that. :) Love triangels are intriguing & always makes me wonder who will win. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Noorhan, Even with the characters showing up and being encountered between classes, I had no difficulty following because the style is strong and the characters are connected with spare but telling detail. I liked the dialogue when Arienne is telling the jock why she’s through with Shawn. He sounds a little dangerous and that steers the story too. Arienne is a winning character with her motorcycle and her liking for football. Well-written. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Noorhan: both pitches work for this YA genre. I do apologize for the lack of a proper comment but I am leaving for the weekend and it's late here. Let me know if you want a proper comment upon my return and I will read more as soon as I have a chance. For now, enjoy the BACKING. I can use your comment on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Great! I think you're a strong writer and you've created an interesting story full of engaging characters. The first chapter does a nice job of hooking the reader, it intrigued me to read on. I'm really liking this kind of YA right now, it's what I've been reading lately and this is really comparable as far as story. I would have picked this up!

Missy

You have crafted an interesting and complex storyline. I do like your use of the first person narrative voice. This allows you to explore Arianne's, and you do it well, feelings, observations and thoughts. Your story is character rich and your descriptive writing is sure to appeal to the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Noorhan,
You've invited me to look at Silence of the Angels, having read your pitch I found myself mesmerized by your characters. I must confess the demands of the site often make it extremely difficult to read a full manuscript, however having said this if the pitch draws me, I try and do read those that hook me through a synopsis. I have backed your novel because I believe it has great potential. Having dipped into the first chapter I also realized there is a strength in your writing which back your synopsis. It shall be backed and shelved and I will make every effort to read and return with further comments.
Otherwise pat yourself on the back, had I read your synopsis in a bookstore, I would definitely pay for that book.
Most sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

I read all you have on here, and I would love to see more! It's a story that would do well in the Young Adult market. Best of luck with it.

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

I am sure this novel will have a wide appeal for young adults. Something about it reminds me of the Twilight Saga - I mean that as a compliment and I hope it will be as successful.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Silence of the Angels is a bedrock for your average Tomboy, but few could beat Arianne. Riding a Harley in a skirt and enjoying the odd game of football, she's not that squeamish after breaking a leg. She dropped her Barbie doll years ago, probably out of the window where she lived.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I browsed through your book and I got a feeling. I’ll back it and come back for more reading and commentary. Please be patient as there are 27 on my list.
If you don’t hear from me in a few days, and want my view of your word, please remind me.
Thanks for understanding.
Dan

SILENCE OF THE ANGELS
This is a good story. You’ve created a good mix of characters for this: each one a contrast to the others. I thought at first you might have too many characters to follow, but writing this in first person from Arienne’s view fixed that problem. Makes it a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth.

Noorhan,
Silence of the Angels is filled with suspense and has a colorful collection of characters. Backed.

The prologue has a healthy kick for the reader, dropping them straight into the emotional strain of student relationships, excellently handled.

Your management of the present tense is something that others find difficult and stumble on quite a lot but you have held yourself strongly in place and I see by chapter three that you are making a small artistry of the method. Whilst the Prologue and chapter two are drawing a tight rein in around the central characters, it is in three that tensions really begin to bubble out. Rhys begins to bare his teeth whilst Evan keeps his annoying cool.

The breeze in of the mother is classically done and your equally breezy description of her is a model of the haziness of her character; excellent. It is amuzing that she manages to get in that "cut class" affront in such a seemingly benign way; she is a sublimely dominating and air headed at the same time.

One typo: "She extends her hand and shakes hands with each of the (m) daintily". That word daintily is the prefect choice. .


BACKED

Eye catching cover with good pitch that sells the story without spoiling it, very descriptive, I even like the way you describe music, great setting populated by solid characters

Awesome cover and title which means nine out of ten readers would pick it up just based on those two things - then they get to your talented and imaginative writing WOW - this willexcell. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Dear Noorhan
firstly i must say that this book cover is in the top 5 for sure even higher for me. CONGRATS i could not pass it by. then your short and long pitch screamed read me and do i go on. I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

This is not my genre and for that reason I ca only critique your writing and not the content. Sorry if that is unhelpful.

You have vivid descriptions at the beginning, in the prologue, that gives an excellent feel for the characters. Her bubbling emotions and hormonal reactions are dealt with skilfully.

Although the present tense is difficult to hold you are doing well up to the end of part two. Mention of "the incident" creates an intriguing notion for the reader to continue for.

When those boys meet in chapter one the tension and defence mechanisms are written very cleverly.

backed

Absolutely stunning writing. I applaud you. Bravo!

backed

This is a brilliant story that grabs the reader immediately. It is very well written and the story development is well done with rich dialogue. I like the fact that you wrote in the first-person. We are on the journey with Ari. The use of French is appropriate in this case but maybe you can explain what he is saying in the fifth paragraph when you respond, instead of waiting until the sixth, since most people who don't understand French will not know the first sentence in the fourth para. The only thing I would advise is that you remove the prologue and make it Chapter 1 or give it a title since the events are sequential.

the premise is a good one, and your pitch explains enough. the main character is likable and we are on her side...good work...on watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I appreciate your comment. You don't know how much it means to me. Thanks.
I'll give Seasons a read.
Cheers
-N.H.

the premise is a good one, and your pitch explains enough. the main character is likable and we are on her side...good work...on watchlist...
read SEASONS...