Book Jacket

 

rank 4443
word count 13075
date submitted 14.09.2008
date updated 12.07.2009
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy
classification: moderate
complete

The Waters

Robert Sier

A retired war hero finds that he can't escape the conflict that grips his world, even if he flees to the furthest corners.

 

James--known to most in his world as Aurolan--has retired from the Coalition Army. He left many things behind, taking only his magically-restored youth to complement decades of experience.

He has taken solace in the only place he could flee to where he would not be recognized, the town of Fae Lake. He has taken an apprentice, people have treated him well, and he has spent five years trying to unwind. Five years of unwinding leave him as relaxed as a bear trap when his old enemies blunder in. He finds himself back in the position of scout and assassin, without an army to back him up this time.


Welcome to the Shattered World. A land where six races scratch out an existence by fighting among the scraps of five fallen civilizations. Where magic can be in blood, mind, deed, or all at the same time. And where, among the plots that imperil everything they have built, people try to be all that they can.

If you like this, please read my other work on Authonomy, Hero's Chains, which catches up with some of the same characters ten years later.

 
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tags

assassin, aurolan, elves, fantasy, orcs, science fiction, water elementals, waushan

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30 comments

 

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Lexi wrote 1339 days ago

Very smooth, easy prose, taking me into the story. I read the first three chapters with little trouble. This is a good read.

Things that puzzled me; the ‘normal’ names, James and Charles, and a priest called ‘Father’, all of our world; Orcs, as in Tolkien; juggernauts, and chimeras; usually in fantasy you don’t get this, and I wasn’t sure if there was a point to it or not. I’d have liked to be told.

One discordant note – I didn’t like James chuckling over the mutilated body. This put me right off him, so as he is intended to be a sympathetic character you might change it.

If you broke your long pitch into paragraphs, it would be more easily read. And I hope you are going to load a cover – it really helps to attract readers :o)

I’ve put your book on my watchlist for now.

janharper wrote 1345 days ago

Not a genre I would normally read but you write well.

R.P. Delaney wrote 1346 days ago

Great first chapter. It really catches the readers attention! Can't wait to read more!

Famlavan wrote 709 days ago

This is an amazing first chapter, so engaging.
I also like how you give the sense of Mage to Charles, simply but elegantly.
I’m up to waiting for the orks and juggernauts and feel you have a very impressive story developing here.

SusieGulick wrote 716 days ago

Dear Robert, I'm now on you 3rd book. :) You paragraphs & dialogue are nice & tight. :) Lots of intrigue. :) I'm going to see what is happening in 10 years, now in your last book. :) Love, Susie :)

Owen Quinn wrote 717 days ago

Post apocolyptic world after the fall of magic kingdoms. great idea where magic remnants can be found like someone finding a world war 2 grenade in your back garden. The characters are introduced well, each woith their own voice and agenda. the story rattles along layer after layer. Excellent.

yasmin esack wrote 723 days ago

OOOH this very good. Like the character Mycah and the reader is enthralled by her and then you add more with a murder. Wow way to go. Very good writing.

Backing this one

carlashmore wrote 743 days ago

Excellent fantasy writing. From your pitch, I was almost thinking you had fused a range of genres and, thinking about it, why not? Anyway, from the three chapters I read it works very well.
Happy to back
Carl
The Time hunters

JeffCorkern wrote 829 days ago

I read the entire thing.

This is very good, but it goes by too fast. It needs to be slowed down a little. One symptom of that speed is your use of semi-colons. It shows you're trying to write the story too quickly. I would recommend removing all the semi-colons and substituting periods.

There is insufficient back-story. We need to know a great deal more of the milieu, the political structure of the Shattered Land. The first time you mentioned the washuan, you should've explained what they were.

And "orcs." I would recommend changing the name. Tolkien basically owns the word "orcs." The second you say "orc" readers start looking for hobbits and walking trees. You're good enough you can come up with a different name.

I would've backed this, except it's not complete. It's on my watchlist.

whiplash wrote 895 days ago

Cool. Very smoothly written, though I'd like to push your buttons just a little. 95% of your adverbs are of the type that, if you simply delete them, they wouldn't be missed, and in fact that action would only make the statements more powerful. Example: Her aim wavered slightly. Get rid of "slightly," you don't need it. I have an adverb-eating anglerfish on another website that feasts on other members' (and my own) adverbs, and if he were here, he'd gain 5 pounds on this. But everything else is powerful and efficient. For that reason, I'm backing you. Good luck!

LadySilence wrote 1012 days ago

Very well written! You're right that it's much less sci-fi than Hero's Chains, but it explains so much!
Though now I'm wondering why Mycah's secret abilities haven't shown up at all when she's fleeing with Derek. It would seem like /something/ would appear, even briefly, to remind us what she's capable of... otherwise if you bring it back in a later book, people will be wondering "woah, where did that come from?"

Alecia Stone wrote 1041 days ago

Hi Robert,

You have a wonderful opening that pulled me right in. Loved the ending with the discovery of a dead body. Nice hook. When is this story set?

Chap 2 keeps the intrigue going. We find out there’s been a homicide. Love the fast pace, it’s exciting.

Great characterisation and dialogue.

This is very well written and was enjoyable to read. I like your writing style, it’s easy to read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Venusu wrote 1046 days ago

I like the pace here; you write clearly and engagingly, building your world with elements we can relate to from other mythic stories.

You deserve a turn on my shelf at my next rotation!
Aloha
V
Hawaiian Orchid

edquinn wrote 1048 days ago

Hi Robert

A brilliant opening, whereby your subtleness captures the gulf between apprentice and mentor.

The detail that you include in your work, such as the craftmanship in constructing the weapons 'made of material harvested from anciant ruins' encapsulates the era that you have sought.

But you don't just leave it at the weapon design. You then speak of the way in which the MC can penetrate through his enemies 'Normally he might kill a sentry or a patroller just to inspire more fear.'

From this you get a feel of the MC and his presence throughout the story.

Robert, this was a brilliant read and will place it on my shelf.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

soutexmex wrote 1048 days ago

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You are staying on my WL so I can read more later. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Peter Carlyle wrote 1049 days ago

Secret, invisible magic - this is revealled with skill. THis is easy to read, capitivating and the chaper ends of a hook.

Going on my shelf.

Peter.

Sangay Glass wrote 1051 days ago

Wow... I'm rarely drawn into fantasy. Early on I was osi osi. Thought it was great visually, girl wizard and okay, but as soon as the body came into play it blossomed into a brilliant detective story as well. Kudos for the flawless addition! Then we get to the salt plot. This is absolutely a fantastic story that was planned and hole free. Fantasy that will earn a crossover audience!

Minor quips and likes:

Wouldn't Oric be a proper noun and capitalized?

Great visual...the quiver on the lake. It shows they are as one.

Dunno if this common for the genre, but the description of the battle outfit seemed a but long and overdone.

OMG brilliant...salt.

Absolutely shelved for a bit!

Kate, Blue Jeans, and a Single Shot

Ayrich wrote 1052 days ago

The term 'cause of death' seems a bit modern. Perhaps he would ask how he died? or even" Accident or Murder? " Its a minor thing I may not have noticed in another setting.
THe orcs giving the river a sacrifice is very good. A warning of trouble. Typical of orcs to be so stupid in my way of thinking.
Shelved. Good story.

Isabelle Adams wrote 1053 days ago

This deserves to get to the ED. The description is absolutely fanstastic and so vivid that I feel like I'm there. Unlike most books, this is staying on my WL so that I can come back and read more when I have time, because this book is more than good enough. James (it's weird reading a book when you have a character with the same name) becomes real from the very first chapter, with his motivations for his actions being given almost immediately.
Shelved.

scottkenny wrote 1125 days ago

Hi Robert,
I began to read five books this evening, taken at random, but could not progress beyond the first page of any of them. Thankfully yours was sixth and I read the lot posted. It's excellent. Whilst it does have all the usual ingredients of warring fantasy, you do write well enough to allow me to see something different in it. One or two concerns - the James and Charles names might be a conscious effort to far remove yourself from the high fantasy names, but I'm not sure they work. Orcs, I believe should be left to Tolkein (call them something else). Small beer, I know but sometimes enough to put some off. Anyway, I've enjoyed The Waters for what it is - a fast paced, intelligently written, rollicking read and I will shelve it,
Scott.

Edd wrote 1144 days ago

Here are fairly standard fantasy forces arrayed against each other and a man who has tried to escape his past face the inevitability of rediscovery. You can find the same types and structures in westerns and all sorts of other genres, but then that's true of the plots of War and Peace and Lord of the Rings.

You throw in your own water spirits and magic tricks, you make the central characters energetic and believable, then you run the whole thing past us at two hundred miles an hour, so it's easy to read, engaging and hard to "put down".

The writing could be tightened up a bit - when the action slows to a walking pace it can be a bit pedestrian (sorry!), with some repetition and passages which tell us the backstory rather than demonstrating it in action. But it's a romp, and I would definitely read on.

Patricia Winter wrote 1144 days ago

Robert,
I too write of war and its trailing rags. Love the way that you do not specify at least in the first few pages I read today, what war, what Army, what nation , what planet... it doesn't matter.

I am duty bound to a deadline, and have another two books as promised next reads... but "The Waters" is so intriguging I am giong to make a third comittment...Will not take on another book until I have given The Waters a concentrated read that it deserves.
--Patricia

Patricia Winter wrote 1144 days ago

Robert,
I too write of war and its trailing rags. Love the way that you do not specify at least in the first few pages I read today, what war, what Army, what nation , what planet... it doesn't matter.

I am duty bound to a deadline, and have another two books as promised next reads... but "The Waters" is so intriguging I am giong to make a third comittment...Will not take on another book until I have given The Waters a concentrated read that it deserves.
--Patricia

RobertB wrote 1310 days ago

I find the constant use of magic a bit off-putting, but that's just me. You're not really giving me any sense of place; in the first chapter, they're pretending to be out hunting, and you mention trees. what sort; is it thick woodland, an isolated grove, scrubland with a few trees, is it highland or lowland? In the second chater, they lave town, and next moment it's three days later. You've got a prime opportunity there to put in a bit of description, and you miss it. It's got possibilities, but needs editing.

JAK wrote 1320 days ago

Hi, Lexi's just told me to get my own cover, too!
There's a lot to like here because the depth of your understanding of the world is so extraordinary. Sometimes I think you forgot a bit that your reader doesn't know all the extra information you have stored in your mind. Sometimes I needed more explanation . For example ' they're mummified, animated titans' took a bit of accepting. I really loved your writing when it got away from the laying down of the fantasy - chapter five was very immediate and gripping because the situation was so tense and realistic. Much my favourite chapter so far. I also had a worry about the normal names i liked the idea but wanted to know why. I'm sure you know and it's all logical in your mind but PLEASE tell me. Could you do me a favour? i've got my book Sim listed as fantasy because it goes romping into tangential worlds but i'm not sure that it is. You obviously know a great deal about the genre, would you mind having a look and letting me know how you'd classify it. Just a couple of pages of chapter one and two should give you enough information. Cheers jak

Sylvia wrote 1332 days ago

Smoothly written, Robert, and the story quickly draws the reader in with its many unanswered questions. What had James been? Why were Wizard Slayers persecuted? What are the waushani? Etc. The plot promises an exciting struggle up ahead :o)

Of all the characters in the opening 3 chapters, James, the main protagonist, comes across as the strongest: confident and knowledgeable, and something of a spy, with a dry sense of humour: 'catastrophe had left him alone too long'. Though you describe Mycah's appearance, even if only slightly, I get no mental picture of James or Charles (aside from the latter being smallish). It would help to briefly sketch them.

Possible tweaks: Two 'grimaced' in the opening paragraphs. 'doors were open and empty' (Empty doors?) 'headed around camp, heading for home'. 'He'd given her a flare' (Who? Charles or James?)

Derec wrote 1333 days ago

Re: The Waters
by Robert Sier

http://www.authonomy.com/ReadBook.aspx?bookid=1977

Hey, if it works for Star Trek, it might work for you, but that split infinitive in the first paragraph almost stopped me in my tracks - I think "glowing uselessly" sounds much more dynamic than "uselessly glowing" although I don't really like the word "uselessly" anyway, it's such a cumbersome word and it takes so long to say because you have to make sure you get the s's, l's and e's in the right order

You have a good style underlining this but you probably need to develop your skills as a writer a bit more, and you will, it will take a bit of time and effort but what's the rush - get it right, take it one paragraph at a time and think "how could I have written that differently"

boldly go, I say, ito the thrilling and scary world of the writer

Talanic wrote 1339 days ago

Oh - and my long pitch IS in paragraphs, with two return presses between each one. No matter what I do, it appears as a solid block when it shows up!

Talanic wrote 1339 days ago

Thanks, Lexi! There is a point to the normal elements mixed with the fantastic, but working it in without infodumping is something I'm working on. Right now, it doesn't seem that that's the right place to put an explanation, though one does appear in the other stories I've written.

I'm often character-driven, to the point of losing track of other things. I forgot that James was standing over a corpse while talking to Mycah there. I've edited the sentence in question.

Lexi wrote 1339 days ago

Very smooth, easy prose, taking me into the story. I read the first three chapters with little trouble. This is a good read.

Things that puzzled me; the ‘normal’ names, James and Charles, and a priest called ‘Father’, all of our world; Orcs, as in Tolkien; juggernauts, and chimeras; usually in fantasy you don’t get this, and I wasn’t sure if there was a point to it or not. I’d have liked to be told.

One discordant note – I didn’t like James chuckling over the mutilated body. This put me right off him, so as he is intended to be a sympathetic character you might change it.

If you broke your long pitch into paragraphs, it would be more easily read. And I hope you are going to load a cover – it really helps to attract readers :o)

I’ve put your book on my watchlist for now.

janharper wrote 1345 days ago

Not a genre I would normally read but you write well.

janharper wrote 1345 days ago

Not a genre I would normally read but you write well.

R.P. Delaney wrote 1346 days ago

Great first chapter. It really catches the readers attention! Can't wait to read more!

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