With All Your Eyes

Hi A.
This sentence ruins your pitch:

'The same powers, although, without as much power'.

Miss it out -- we'll find out the amount of power they have in the story. It's not necessary in the pitch (IMO)

Your story telling, by the way, is quite superb.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Love the line about being a mega witch with a capital B.

Nicely done. Though I'm not your reader, if you keep it up, you'll sure get published some day.

TSC
Moonbeam Highway

This is nicely put together book, not my genre but I can still appreciate its sentiment. You have given this a nice twist with the Weather. You have good imagery and strength in your charachters. The long pitch was excellent.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

PS Hope you can spend a moment or two reading mine Sx

Cool mystery.
But who IS Damien?
This felt easy to read and interesting
If only I had such powers!
Backed with best wishes......mikegilli The Free

Don't usually get on with first person narrative but you handled it exceptionally well.

Super imagination and Ashley has all the right attributes to be a successful witch!! I think not that I know any.LOL

Very nicely written, plot developement has a nice pace and structure.

Happily shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

With all your eyes

Witch with a capital B, got that right!!
A great-convoluted plot so, so very well told.
Your writing style is perfect for your target audience and your MC you created very, very impressively. – Good luck

Yes, I like this, even though I'm not the target audience. Minor nitpick ... it's feigned and not feinted early in Ch 1

You do teen speak very well and your MC, Ashley, is an engaging character with a wry outlook on life. Your premise is a good one and sure to prove popular. You need an edit, some of your line spacing is erratic - probably an upload issue - but easy to fix. Spotted a few other errors eg. feinted, should be feigned? again , this is easily fixed. All good wishes, Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Excellent turns of phrase in With All Your Eyes - 2 real best friends and 12 fake ones! he he.. The voice of the main character Ashley really comes alive - Backed with pleasure!

WITH ALL YOUR EYES:

Arianna Lucke,

What a unique and imaginative premise. And a complex plot that is full of intrigue and conflict and all the other ingredients that make up a good, page-turning story.

I love the first person narration, and you do this very well. There's an immediacy to your writing that brings the reader right into the story.

An excellent opening paragraph. But watch out for repetition of words. You use "my" seven times in this paragraph and with your writing ability you could easily find another word or re-phrase the sentences.

Good luck with this.

Backed with pleasure,
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

WITH ALL YOUR EYES:

Arianna Lucke,

What a unique and imaginative premise. And a complex plot that is full of intrigue and conflict and all the other ingredients that make up a good, page-turning story.

I love the first person narration, and you do this very well. There's an immediacy to your writing that brings the reader right into the story.

An excellent opening paragraph. But watch out for repetition of words. You use "my" seven times in this paragraph and with your writing ability you could easily find another word or re-phrase the sentences.

Good luck with this.

Backed with pleasure,
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

WITH ALL YOUR EYES:

Arianna Lucke,

What a unique and imaginative premise. And a complex plot that is full of intrigue and conflict and all the other ingredients that make up a good, page-turning story.

I love the first person narration, and you do this very well. There's an immediacy to your writing that brings the reader right into the story.

An excellent opening paragraph. But watch out for repetition of words. You use "my" seven times in this paragraph and with your writing ability you could easily find another word or re-phrase the sentences.

Good luck with this.

Backed with pleasure,
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Hi, Good story, but it needs some work. I don't know how you can trip over daisies BTW. Try not to overdo it and you should do well. All the best with it. Gerry

well written and intersting story
on my WL
backed
anba
L.O.V.E

Such an interesting idea, manipulating weather! The pitch sold me and I was happy to find that the writing inside was great. You've created some very memorable characters and they will be fun to follow through this book. You've put a lot of effort in to this and it shows. The prose reads easy and you've got an eye for detail that makes it all come alive. Best of luck with this, I'd love to read more when or if you post it!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Hello Arianna. This is a lovely story that all young witch readers will love. The mention of controlling the weather in your pitch prompted me to have a read. Lots of fun characters. Ashley is easy to both love and hate. Best of luck with it! mariecapri

Dear , I love fiction, romance & fantasy mix because anything can happen. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs (you may want to cut the longer one in 2 or more for an easier read, since I get lost in the middle) & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

the first three chapters are well done. I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into this. Keep up the good work. Great description and plot.

This has a quite brilliant use of first person. It flowed so seemlessly and with a register and syntax that is perfect for your target audience. I thoroughly enjoyed it and feel this story deserves to be out there
Carl
The Time Hunters

Arianna, I enjoyed your first chapter. Great narrative voice. Nothing to nitpick in that chapter.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

'manipulate weather' I would drop in the short pitch. Break up the long pitch into smaller paragraphs. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

very descriptive and written with true flair and style. loved the manipulative witch which draws me to read further and further.
backed with pleasure
Andy and Vesna
When Spirits Break Free

Excellent story telling - vivid descriptive prose and down to earth characters. BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

What an imaginative story. I think a lot of young adults will relate to Ashley and the way she likes to control her world. Will gain you a wide audience. It's a well done story. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed with pleasure! Joss E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Well, only read the first, but you have set up your Witch well and truly. I'm not sure if Witches are meant to be liked or not, but I am not in love with yours. She is manipulative, self centred and quite the little bitch. In other words you are very talented at creating characters, well done. You also have a voice so suited to your work and the YA's you pitch this at. they will be totally on your level.

Sometimes, you confuse with the construction on your sentences. The very first one had me reading it over and over to get the gist, so perhaps you can look at editing a few of these, but all in all this shows great promise, good luck with it. Backed.

I would be very grateful if you gave my book a read and a backing, if you think it deserves it, thank you, Best wishes, Mary.

Very nice. This has a graphic novel feel to it as do most of the well written fantasy and sci fi books on the site.

Good Luck
Natalie