The Kingdom of Urartu

Hi Andrew!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

I just couldn't stop with Chapter 2. So here's a few comments on the remainder.

Chapter 3
"cool sensation" I don't think so. flowing blood is warm. Although just a nick wouldn't make much of al "flow" of blood running in "stream". If it did, it would be serious and could not safely be ignored!
"quick flick of his lamp"; you mean flicker.
"dirt floor of the Holy of Holies"; Huh? before it was boards!
"feel the sensation in is toes before his brain could..." It is the brain that registers the feeling in the toes. You mean "feel the sensation in his toes. But before he had time to react, the ground gave way."
"Grant breastroke" doesn't sound right to me. Even "breast-stroked" doesn't sound very good. Maybe "swam the breatstroke"?
"produced enough ambient noise"; ambient refers to the background. It would never be used of the noise made by a person. Try "made enough noise"
It seems to me that the dust covered gold statue of the angel would have been spotted by the excavators and taken before this, if they've been here long enough to build an elevator! Even if they didn't move it, they would have dusted it off! But maybe I haven't read far enough.
Israeli police would probably not start shooting in a busy public street, especially when they have no positive identification of a criminal.
Why would Grant be free in the Christain quarter? Don't the Israeli police go there?
Chapter 4
I am utterly astounded that the Israeli police couldn't notice an ancient artifact. They are trained for that, as artifact smuggling is a big thing over there. I don't think that is realistic.They would carefully inspect every speck of dust in that pack!

Overall, it could be a great story, but some things strain credulity. However, I love the subject (as you can see from my books), and am eager to read the rest. This is one of the few books on Authology that I have read from beginning to end, and wished I had more. I wasn't really reading to edit - I was enjoying myself. I only mentioned the more glaring things I caught. I hope they can help you. Please, get this work cleaned up and published, so I can finish!

God bless you and yours, and God bless your writing.
PAL!

Just went through the first two chapters. Here are a few comments that may help you.
"The cell was again darkened. Sevastian's eyes ached as they adjusted to the changes."
"The weary prisoner gritted his teeth..."
Para beginning: "Within a few minutes, he had gathered...." Please break into two sentences.
"Grant turned full..." do you mean "Grant turned around..." ?
"Surrounding and illuminating the hole..." You imply that all this light and sound was totally surprising to Grant. Surely he must have seen or heard something as he came down the passageway?! Certainly he would have heard the generator? And your bright light surrounding the hole surely would have been seen from the passageway?
"Dispelled any caution..." Give me a break! That is totally unrealistic. He now knew for certain someone was inside - he smelled the coffee! Now discovering it is the temple, he would have been doubly cautious! He has too much to loose to allow himself to be discovered.
Chapter 2 description of the battle in the Holy of Holies. You imply a rather large room with a wooden floor. The actual Holy of Holies was a rather small room (no more than 12 x 12 feet) and had a stone floor. If it had had a wood floor, it would not have survived.
The guard's hand grenade is unrealistic. No one would permit something as destructive as a hand grenade in something as priceless and irreplaceable as the old Temple.
The entrance that Grant made in the wall into the darkened passageway should not have led into the Holy of Holies. The only entrance to the Holy of Holies was through the Most Holy Place. Perhaps that is where this battle should take place?
Hope my suggestions help. You've got a fine beginning here, but it needs some polishing. I recommend you visualize in your own mind the scene you are describing, each step of the way. Then you will spot some of the inconsistencies such as the unrealistic entrance into the Holy of Holies.
God's blessings on your work!
PAL!

Great begining. You've obviously done a great deal of research and it shows. Shelved, with pleasure.

Carol

The scene in the Russian cell is gritty, well researched and creates a sense of immediacy - to the extent that the reader feels exposed to the same sinister forces and possibility of torture as does your MC.
Your detail also dovetails with historical fact, lending authenticity and plausibility to the unfolding storyline.
As Sevastian - at gunpoint - yields to tears and we see that our hero can cry, the story takes on depth.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Well I must say I like it. Great idea, a familiar concept with some unique twists and an exciting story overall. One possible thought, make it longer. As a novel at 70,000 this is on the very short end forcing the reader to connect much faster with the characters and story then they might be ready for. All good stuff but you might add some depth/detail. I believe if memory serves fiction novels are required to be like 80,000 words anyway so at 70K I think any publisher would expect you to flush things out a little more anyway. Just a thought, like it overall though

I like this one so far. No criticism so far. If you really want me to, I can probably nitpick. Overall, excellent.

This was like a film to me. Other people have already compared it to films such as national treasure, and your powerful descriptions make it more so in my mind. This is skillfully done and thrilling throughout.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx
Relic

BACKED with immense pleasaure!

Excellent! An action-packed thriller with a mix of Indiana Jones-like excitement. Also made me think of National Treasure and the Da Vinci Code, and having such big names linked to your work can only mean one thing--success. Good luck!

I invite you to check out my thriller Children of the Fog or my romantic suspense Lancelot's Lady

Cheryl Kaye Tardif

It is always gratifying to read flawlessly woven fiction embroidered with fact. An exciting premise, promising skulduggery and action, is the basis for a well written account, that skilfully suspends the reader's disbelief. The Kingdom of Urartu provides an engrossing read. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

THE KINGDOM of Urartu: Excellent! Raiders of the Lost Ark, National Treasure, and Kingdom of Urartu! From the prologue on, this is a gripping read. I look forward to seeing where it goes from here. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Dear Andrew, I love your story - why isn't it done so what I can see what happens next? (my edited version is not done yet, either, so don't feel badly.) Your blurb, as is your prologue, is good because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Could this the beginning of a series of Indiana Grant!?? Gripping from the start! The gripping scene in Petrograd created the mystery and the tension was maintained with Grant's subterranean adventure beneath Temple Mount. Brilliantly conceived and researched. What an imagination! This is a book I would buy without hesitation. It is right up my street! I feel sure that this will definately be a great seller. I hope so. You thoroughly deserve it. You write well, the characterisation is handled with distinction and the dialogue is masterly. Great stuff! If only Steven Spielberg was an authonomy adict, eh! Backed 200 percent!
Best wishes,
Laurence
The Cross of Goa

I was hooked on this story from the first word. It's well written with wonderful dialogue and clearly defined characters. Backed.

Carol

I was really drawn to this as archaeology was mentioned as was Noah's Ark! The opening is perfect, full of tension and you describe everything so well. Everything that he would have been able to hear, brilliant. Excelent writing and descriptions. Backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Superb set up to your first chapter. I am in awe of your research to carry out this project. Sits well in its genre. Would suggest you look at the times you have used sentences with 'was' in, this word is a killer to an active voice, which you need at all times to keep the tension flowing. Here are a couple of examples.

Trotsky pronounced his judgement. Shock momentarily shivered through Sevastian.

Sevastian held back no longer. Tears streamed down his face. His mind didn't register fear at the imminence of his own death, but a sorrow he would not see his daughter again. He looked past the revolver and glared into Trotsky's fiery eyes.

For the rest of the day the echo of the revolver bounced off the walls.

Backed - Please take a look at, An Unbreakable Bond, thanks, Mary

Great story and very well-written. I wish I could finish the entire manuscript but time, unfortunately, does not allow. I am backing gladly.

Denise

Loved the prologue. The story quickly gained pace. I loved the hunchback. Russell is a likable character and easy to relate to. The 'Temple Mount' was very well described. It would make a great movie!

Good writing, good story! I think the thing that really comes through here is your research. This comes across as though you know the subjects/settings well and if you are faking it, then you do an amazing job. That sense of competency helps to make this come alive.

Lockjaw

This is an exciting, fascinating book, with a fast moving plot which carries us quickly along and keeps us reading. Grant is an interesting, well drawn character, and you describe his exploration of the Temple Mount, and finding the remains of the Temple, in striking, dramatic detail and with gripping action. 'Grant would have kneeled to the floor to examine the preserved bone fragments if at that exact moment two massive human arms had not wrapped around his throat and lifted his body into the air,' is a gripping hook at one climax, and 'the column collapsed in a rain of sod, sealing Grant inside,' is an even more dramatic end to Chapter Two. You have a book which promises to be very successful. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

THE KINGDOM OF URATRU: Thrilling, fast-paced, none-stop, this is one helluva adventure. I find the plot intriguing, the premise fascinating (I've always wondered what secrets lie under the Dome of the Rock) and the setup with the mysterious warehousing and soon-to-be-stolen artifacts smacks of Indiana Jones. Your writing is crisp and no-nonsense, which suits the pace and genre, and last but not least, damn you create one helluva hook, in the beginning. ;-)

I do wonder if the writing is not a touch dry in spots, and maybe a few very small, sparsely-worded personalizing touches might not help. Just a few details to let us know if Grant is afraid or enraged or awed, such as whether his breathing is harsh or his heart rate up, or if he can taste or smell the after affects of the grenade. (Which, btw, I'd think should render him almost deaf and very shell-shocked immediately after, in such close quarters.)

But that may be a stylistic choice, and I would not want you to introduce too much verbiage and slow the story's rollicking pace. Definitely has potential and possibilities, and so I am pleased to back. :-)
Cheers ~

G. M. Atwater
Nobody's Knight

Andrew

The Kingdom of Uartro - Grant must possess nerves of steel, his clever ploy to slip into the belly of the most famous mount on earth to find proof of Solomon's temple is written with nailbiting suspense. And what a premise. Backed, of course.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

The Kingdom of Urartu,

Andrew,

It should be self-evident to any but the brain dead that your pitch and synopsis are both thought provoking and intriguing; bound to generate not just tension but, I imagine, a very satisfying denouement.
Sevastian's cell and his captors have all the austerity one would expect, while you establish the authority of your subject by injecting well researched detail without lecturing.
Typo: 'Trotsky voice...' = 'Trotsky [ 's ] voice...'
The incarceration is perhaps at its most sobering when Trotsky mentions his [Sevatian's] family and, fearing the worst, Sevastian eyes 'puff and moisten, but he did not shed a tear.'
trotsky sound the more sinister because he appears to be ingratiating himself, albeit with a subordinate in rank, which suggests that T is trying to 'loosen up' Sevastian for some kind of manipulation or control over the captive.
As we see towards the end of the Chapter, verbal or psychological manipulation is too slow for Trotsky's taste and the moments of agony/poignancy when Sevastan thinks of not seeing his daughter again before the pistol shot are very well done.
It's clear that you are clear; about your characters, plot and message.

Backed
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

WOW, what an absolutely thrilling read that was, I loved everything about this, the characters, the premise and especially the flawless writing.

This is so polished I could see my own reflection in it!!

Happily shelved

Melxx

This is an interesting idea with solid writing to back it up - and I'm backing it up now by putting it on my shelf! Best of luck with this.

Would really appreciate a return read if you can spare a moment.

M J
Requiem

This has all the promise to be the most fantastic adventure. It is just obviously a great story and a million times better written that Dan Brown. I'm a sucker for contemporary thrillers that use ancient relics (I know it's a different genre, but so does my 'Time Hunters' series). Anyway, your writing is fluid, accessible, imeccably researched and intelligent. As you can imagine, I would buy this in a heartbeat.
Great stuff.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Andrew, your prologue and first chapter are a good read. Nothing to nitpick in these two sections.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hi Andrew,
Nice one, mate. Burgio is spot on. This is imaginative and original work. Enough said. Backed!
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A wonderful premise and plot. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is awesome, I have to tell you. I love books like this (Cussler, Rolins) and yours really stands up as something differetn. I love the history and mythology you've added into this, it's made for a great page turner. Your characters are strong, especially Russell, I'm ready to follow him on this adventure. Great job and best of luck to you.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

It is obvious you have spent much time, energy, research and passion on this futuristic novel. This is well crafted and intelligent. BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

This is a very solid thriller. The premise is orginal and the writing is fast paced and filled with tension. The prologue revealed that you are a polished writer, but so often I discover that the writing falls apart as the chapters begin. This is definitely not the case here. Your characters feel real to me, the dialogue is authentic, and the POV is spot on. I quickly found myself reading for the enjoyment of your story rather than as a critic. This is a winner. Stick with it because there are agents watching this site. I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

ok, this is good. i like your voice a narrative style. the narration flows well, however it is a little on the dry side. you may want to go ito a little morendepth and develop your character a little more. this wil make the reader invest themselves and care mkore aboutn what happens to Grant. i have not read enough to comment on plot structure, but based on the pitch and the first chapter i will back you because i think this desrves to be read. Please read some of my book, The Age of Rhinestone, when you have time and let me know what you think. Feedback is always welcome. Cheers, and goodluck with your manuscript. blueboy

In an attempt to update the content of the book, I inadvertently removed the book from your bookshelves! I apologize, and ask that if you do indeed like my story please back it! Here's some of the changes I've made:

- A couple of edits, as well as better "chapter" breaks. There's not really chapters, but I wanted to make it an easier read.

- I've included the next scene in the novel. It reveals more about Grant and introduces one of the other pivotal characters in the book.

Thanks again for reading! :)

Well written and the promise of a good story. I haven't backed this book, because there is so little to judge on, just 2 chapters, 11,000 words. A couple of very minor points, lips don't 'droop in a frown,' and the word 'feculance.' Any word that I have to look up is not a word that most people will know. Perhaps it's better not to interrupt the writing with an unfamiliar word. Good luck with your novel. It contains a great deal of promise. Marj.

Christian and I did not see Thriller, but definitely is one... I have been able to determine Grant is a wealthy man who wants to prove his intellect not his belief.. was intrigued by descrip of asst.. his nose was a stub...read all on site.. may I ask more please.. Best wishes Cookie "Being"

WOW! That first chapter/prologue was a killer! Using sound to introduce the action and carry it on was very effective, as sight is usually the first sense we use at the beginning of a book. Then with sight you also used smell and the feel of the sting of the gloves on Sevatian's cheek.

This isn't my usual genre, and not just before bedtime, but I probably will read the second chapter when I can.

Thank you for being a part of this site.

Sherilyn Kay