The Men of Dunwich

This genre is difficult to pin down. It's sort of a road story, sort of romance, sort of Burning Man that takes place in East Anglia. Recalling a Lovecraft story called The Dunwich Horror doesn't help my anxiety in figuring it out.

The writing style is completely different from the author's other book, but still well crafted. I haven't a clue where this is going, but the mystery intrigues me and I back it.

This genre is difficult to pin down. It's sort of a road story, sort of romance, sort of Burning Man that takes place in East Anglia. Recalling a Lovecraft story called The Dunwich Horror doesn't help my anxiety in figuring it out.

I haven't a clue where this is going, but the mystery intrigues me and I back it.

Hello Richard. I`ve put this book on my bookshelf. The part I`ve read so far seems inventive. Minor point; maybe some of the punctuation could be tighter. I`d like to ask you some advice: I`ve got my book in a single word doc file; how do I break it up into chapters, each chapter a file? I`m no genius with computers. I know how to select text, but how and where do I put it so it`s available to transfer to this site? All the best, Parmenides Elea.

Just make each chapter a word document and upload from computer.

Ciao Richard

Hello Richard :o) thank you so much for backing "Losing Me." I've just placed, The Men of Dunwich on my watch list and will place it on my backing, asap. My way of doing my backing is that I back a book for 4-8 weeks, by then I would have read parts or all of a book, to be fair to other writers. Cheers, Salwa.

Parts of this read like a cross between that old tv favourite "Tooty Fruity" with the youthful Eddie Coltrane and Emma Thompson, and "The Full Monty".

The problem is that even the most witty style needs discipline, so that the writing appears effortless, although our writer may have spent days and weeks perfecting those throw away lines.

I feel sorry for any MS that gets to this stage and then appears to have been forgotten. A bit more work on the syntax and grammar, and rather less use of the word "literally" (which appears three times in the first ten or so paragraphs) and you may have a book that could endure the rigours of publishing. Please could you look at this again? You have done too much work, just to throw it away.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Made me smirk throughout - always a good thing! Would agree with the POV comments but didn't jar enough for me to notice it until I'd read the other comments... so no big hooey. Great premise for a novel, excellent dialogue, will be reading more in the near future!

It would be better if you stayed with one person's point of view. You surprised me with Teresa fa*ting! made me laugh!

Richard,

The Men of Dunwich starts out in Teresa's point of view, but in the second paragraph jumps to Tam's. I found the opening confusing as a result of the switch, and found myself having to reread when I got to - "Tam's mind drifted off as she --- if you would name Teresa here, instead of she, it would have been clearer. It would be even clearer if you stick to Tam's POV from the get go. That's where, as a reader, I want to be. The first chapter rockets right along, despite the switches back and forth, so it would probably be even more effective if you stick with Tam.

You have some very funny dialogue, and you've done a great job describing the setting in vivid terms. I liked the lines Tam wished to deliver but didn't.

I found Tam appealing, someone worth taking a story journey with!

Ann

I remember backing this a long time ago and revisiting your work has vindicated that decision in my view. You've done a great job in this very challenging of genres and I salute your efforts!
Best wishes
Stewart

thank you so much for your kindness and comment

very best

richard

Chapter One does its job very well. It makes me want to read Chapter Two. Very amusing characters. Your style is lighthearted and whimsical, and it is the phrases you use that provide much of the humor. i.e. "...began her regular afternoon evacuation of her nasal cavaties." It's a gross image, and yet a funny one.

Hi Richard,

You have an appealing style and I like the humour. I also like the way you manage to get us into the world of Ipswich council and the characters are real and easily identifiable.

However for me, I just found it all a bit confusing. The letter in the beginning I found a little long. I did wade through it and it gave me a sense of curiousity. But then we swtich to the boring job. Whilst this is a good mechanism for creating juxtaposition, I found myself swtiching off.

I deliberately don't read others' reviews so that I can make my own mind up but when I'd made my mind up what I was going to say, I glanced at the previous review and read that they were still waiting for the plot to develop by chapter five.

I'm sure in here there is a very interesting and original story but at the moment I feel that the sheer weight of words is slowing it down.

My own genre is action/adventure where everything happens full speed so I'm aware that other slower genres can seem pedantic to me, however, even so I think that a really good edit is needed here. I would suggest thinking hard about what's really necessary then cutting out the rest. You can always build on a character and even description as the story unfolds.

Thanks for that wise words and of course imagine how tedious I find the whole thing!
Have gone for the cut and hopefully will help.

Hi Richard,

You have an appealing style and I like the humour. I also like the way you manage to get us into the world of Ipswich council and the characters are real and easily identifiable.

However for me, I just found it all a bit confusing. The letter in the beginning I found a little long. I did wade through it and it gave me a sense of curiousity. But then we swtich to the boring job. Whilst this is a good mechanism for creating juxtaposition, I found myself swtiching off.

I deliberately don't read others' reviews so that I can make my own mind up but when I'd made my mind up what I was going to say, I glanced at the previous review and read that they were still waiting for the plot to develop by chapter five.

I'm sure in here there is a very interesting and original story but at the moment I feel that the sheer weight of words is slowing it down.

My own genre is action/adventure where everything happens full speed so I'm aware that other slower genres can seem pedantic to me, however, even so I think that a really good edit is needed here. I would suggest thinking hard about what's really necessary then cutting out the rest. You can always build on a character and even description as the story unfolds.

My thoughts as I was reading.
Very odd opening but intriguing made me wonder where this tale is headed.
Next chapter good intro to Tam and Sarah and the wonderfully world of Ipswich council. Yep we’ve all had dead end temping jobs like that. Some good lines but not all of them worked for me I have to say. Though maybe this is deliberate – Tam is trying too hard.
It’s not till the next chapter though that we start to get some of the period details. From reading the first two I wouldn’t know it was set in the seventies. But then we start to get the references to the avocado bathsuite and the Black and White Minstrel show.
Now on chapter five and I am sort of wondering when the story is going to begin, when are we going to link back to that first intriguing chapter. Though Tam is appealing it feels a little to me that you have too much of his longing for Sarah, their jokes etc. It could be cut down a bit and we’d still get the same picture of them.
Reading further we take another jolt into the failure of the band and Tam's depression. Which makes the whole Sarah subplot a bit superflous. I think you could describe the downward spiral Tam is on in much fewer words and that would move us forward plot wise.
You have some good lines, I have smiled several times reading this and Tam is an appealing character but the plot needs to kick in sooner for my tastes.

Men of Dunwich. Your cover looks mysterious, the title appears appropriate, and you certainly create a lot of questions in your pitches.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Is this really a letter? (yet another question!). Would the lady really have written all that, and not waited until she saw the doctor? The information disclosed is interesting, and sets the background for the story, but I cant help feeling it is a little contrived. If you had her explaining what happened face-to-face it might be more authentic... (although I do like the concept of starting with a letter) You could perhaps build up anticipation by her only hinting at dark mysteries in the letter...
But I must read on.
Oh - so this is a kind of Prologue, I suppose.

Ch.2. A complete change of time and place.
I dont think you need the italicised bits in a new paragraph.
What a great idea - the Bunkum game.
It reads as if Tam were suppressing the need to laugh - maybe something like: 'How divine she looked, thought Tam watching Sarah suppress her need to laugh...'
Your Points of View are becoming somewhat confusing, which is why I'm suddenly lost among all those names. Who is thinking what - and who are the characters in the Game. Perhaps if you stuck faithfully with one POV (?Tam's) the story would flow better, and give you more opportunity to show off your great sense of humour.
Editors, by the way, are inclined to frown upon too many exclamation marks, even in dialogue. When you remove them you'll see they werent necessary.

Ch.3. I enjoy the humour of Tam fumbling for the fiver, and the bit about the peanuts and his feet, and her knee brushing his leg. But might this be enhanced if you sought to simplify your surrounding sentences - possibly by trimming out some adjectives and adverbs? (utterly, every, beautifully, gently, just, etc.). The gritty humour embedded in the richness of your style, is funny enough without the extra embellishment.
Sometimes it's not entirely clear who is speaking what. A few 'he saids' and 'she saids' would remedy that.

You certainly know how to leave a tantalising hook at the end of a chapter.

Hope I've helped. There are some gems in your work, which does need judicious editing and re-editing. We all have to do it.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

I very much like the opening - the voice, old-fashioned and formal of Lady Angelica. (There are a few missing commas - usually before Herr Doctor - and a typo with "rest assured", either the "be" or the "rest" is redundant - but those are easily fixed. I also - as a grammar fiend - think it's brilliant to give your characters the job of glorified proofreaders. You might want to think about avoiding the passive so early on in the chapter - they had been assigned the task - I would go for "their task was..." - it's just less cumbersome, while people are still getting into the story. I'm also a bit confused as to the relation between Lady Angelica and these people - but maybe that's deliberate. I do a similar thing in my book and people complain they are confused, but I don't want to make it too easy for them - maybe that's your take too.
My parents live in Suffolk and it's nice to see places like Ipswich and Dunwich on the literary map!

I very much like the opening - the voice, old-fashioned and formal of Lady Angelica. (There are a few missing commas - usually before Herr Doctor - and a typo with "rest assured", either the "be" or the "rest" is redundant - but those are easily fixed. I also - as a grammar fiend - think it's brilliant to give your characters the job of glorified proofreaders. You might want to think about avoiding the passive so early on in the chapter - they had been assigned the task - I would go for "their task was..." - it's just less cumbersome, while people are still getting into the story.
My parents live in Suffolk and it's nice to see places like Ipswich and Dunwich on the literary map!

I read through your first chapter. I love the letter, I can just imagine your MC sitting down and writing it. It had me wondering at the end, who is Lady Angelica? It made me want to turn the page to see what would happen next. I usually read children's books/YA on this site, so I was a little outside of my genre. I wish that I could give you some grammar advice but I try to avoid commenting on the writing mechanics. I am still working on that myself. Although, I did not see anything that made me question your wording, etc. Good luck and I'm giving you high stars for an engaging opening!

Good luck!

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

I love how you start with a letter. I love the voice in it, it stood out as a calm voice which gives me insight on Angelica. It felt like she had written it and that it wasn't part of a story but an actual letter. And you have a short first chapter which is HUGE in getting people to read your book. I know I am turned off by a long read even if I hear that the book is good.

Your writing has a great flow to it which makes it a quick read. You have a talent for making things appear simple but they are not. You have given us so much info in that letter than I feel I almost can write a paper on this girl. 5 stars. Loved it.

K Stritch wrote 179 days ago [send message] [reply]

Dunwich, Mr. Thurston, has a fascinating history, and you, my friend, have done it justice with your marvelous tale.

All best wishes and, I must say, Dunwich Beach is quite captivating.

Best wishes.

have read the first chapter and found it very interesting and im going to read more!

I've just read the first chapter here & though I enjoyed what I read I get the impression that this is not, in fact, Chapter One!

I'm wondering why your book doesn't have a higher rating and hasn't landed more bookshelves. I just go get this website sometimes. It might be about the first few paragraphs that were a little rough, but after that, the story sucked me in. You paint some interesting characters and settings. It's a good read.

Robin West
'Pentacles and Pentecost'

HI Richard!! I'm here to read The Men of Dunwich.
Gee, you have a nice easy style, your work is easy to read, and I like how you throw in small details, working them in to the story (like the blackheads!). Most of your adverbs are used really well, I didn't like "Strangely" though.
Thank you very much for sharing, and I will rate you highly.
I'm glad you enjoyed my book also. If you could put it back on your shelf some time, that would be appreciated! But thanks for leaving it there for the time that you did. Best wishes for your success!
Monicque
The Multiple Choice

Right. So I read a little of this and took a break, came back and found a lot of it missing. So, I read what was still here, assuming you had taken down some chapters. Today you've reloaded it, now half of what I read last night is gone, but all of what I read before is back. This book is haunted. Perhaps by the men of Dunwich!

I've read at this point past what's up now, having read through what was chapter 10 last night, which was your chapter 19, I think. So my comments may not make entire sense to a reader who hasn't had all those chapters available - and as of now, your chapter 8 is the last one up. It was only the second chapter available as of last night.

The disjointed way in which I have read this has led me to confusion, as you can imagine. It makes it difficult to comment regarding the plot. What I think I got from this was that the men of Dunwich are haunting the site, and there is a secret society built around them. Which I thought was sort of intriguing, though by the end of chapter 10 (or 19 as the case may be) I had still not quite grasped it.

I liked Tam a great deal. I was puzzled by his easygoing acceptance of Toby's endless come-ons, even more puzzled that he'd push Toby away and immediately apologize. Most guys I know would have knocked Toby's teeth out pretty early on, but I appreciate a gentler soul in Tam. Tam's relationship with his cousin seemed very hostile at times- I suspect there was something in a chapter I had missed somewhere that explained her better. The landlord was delightfully snarky, I loved hating him.

The sentence structure may need some work, and there were some instances in which the wrong word was being used. ("Loathed" for example, means to have been disgusted by something. When you are reluctant to do something, you are "loath" to do so.) I also found myself confused several times as to dialog, because the action of a character was taking place on lines in which dialog was being spoken by a different character.

As I say, what is here now seems to be a very different book than was there yesterday, and you may have changed a lot of things, so please don't take ANY of this the wrong way; I am not an expert, nothing I say has particular merit.

I certainly appreciate the mood you are trying to set here. I'm sorry I wasn't able to read it properly and get the right feel for it.

Really witty stuff, Richard. Had a read and enjoyed Tam's hankerings for Sarah. And I loved 'irradiated zombies'. Great profile pic, by the way. Reminds me of Mr Benn. Anyway, starred for now...

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Good dialogue, Richard, and an interesting idea. Happy to rate your book 5 stars!
Clive Clapson, "Sugar on Snow: A Boy's Memoir"

Love the plaudits.

You're not going to change that name, are you? I can see you hanging onto the hideous connotations of it until the inkwells of Beano comics run dry. They have?

It tickles me enough to put on the watchlist, and throw the stars on it.
Looks like you've been around here a for a while; have the fortunes of this also alighted and descended as the lift did in those episodes of Are You Being Served?
It is well written, I thought, and lightly reminiscent of Tom Sharpe and others.
Obviously passions should be passion's, if it belonged to it, in the first line.
Why did you choose that name, by the way? I want to tell you what I think, but I'll wait to hear back with an invite first.

Best

Billie

Shame I didn't spot this earlier. Only found the name Snott a bit distracting. What I read seemed very well done and I have no suggestions apart from some light editing of the letter to shorten it or/and deliberate spelling mistakes and corrections to make look like it was typed up on a manual typewriter. Might be something a publisher could do?

i have put your book back on my watchlist... sure would appreciate it if you might do the same..i've tweeked it and resubmitted...

thank you for the backing - like your stuff too - very English (in the same way mine is very Irish) and very funny. I lived for three years in the UK - Islington and worked in the city - and it reads very well.
Will come back and read more when i cook dinner etc for kids!
cheers
Jillian

The Men of Dunwich.
Foreword? Letter dated 1974
I liked the letter addressed to Dr. Snott, (an unfortunate name to be saddled with), as the contents set out what appears to be a story of inconsolable lose, pressaging a story yet to unfold. An image of Peregrine's face frozen in the glass pane was a really good, spooky touch.
Passions - passion's.
Chapter 1 - I liked the wry humour describing Thomas Wolsey Tower and the view from it. A laugh out loud moment, 'like Fry's chocolate cream. Tam was certainly all ears and gagging for a tiny nibble.' Tam's furtive lusting, which a reader will quickly understand, his desires will never culminate in fruition, and Sarah's seeming ignorance of her effect on him, was amusing. Nice verbal sparring between them.
Chapter 2 - Realistic, Tam doesn't click on to Sarah's gently voice rejection, eg: 'will always be a good friend, so kind, so sensitive, a bit like err...you, really, Tam.'
Chapter 3 - Tam's infatuation gets him fired.
Withering on - Whittering on.
Teresa's bumbling wordy attempt to do the deed and negate hostile backlash was amusing, however, I think her farting was rather contrived, but I suppose it gave her a get out card.
Sarah departs. I don't know if she has a role to play further on in the book, but I felt this character was a foil to display and explore sex-starved, day-dreamer, Tam's character that dealt mainly with his ineptitude with the opposite sex and didn't really drive the story, outlined in the pitch, forward. If Sarah has really gone, it might be an idea to see if this aspect of Tam's character could be shown in a more succinct way because, although I like a slow burn, I felt no ignition in the chapters read.
Having said that, the author is undoubtedly clever, with an extremely developed sense for comedic situations, a good and often original turn of phrase and a smooth writing style.

Nanty - Chrys!

Hi Richard,

I had a bit of difficulty getting through the first chapter - perhaps it has been reworked a few times, making the dialogue seem contrived and the writing a little bit forced. I moved on to chapters 5 & 6 to see if I could get a better feel for your writing and I wasn't disappointed. Here the writing flows, the dialogue seems to be a bit more realistic and I get a good sense of the frustration Tam is feeling as well as the amusement the Dr. is unsuccessfully trying to hide. Nicely done.

Hi Richard. Read the opening and chapter one of The Men of Dunwich and loved it. I had no nitpicks, because try as I might, I couldn’t find any. Backed.

Pitch:
The pitch is very well done. Tight and focused, doing its job of enticing the reader in.
Liked the opening rhyme, again providing a draw for the reader.
Chapter 1.
Loved the way this immediately indicates the stupefying nature of Tam’s job: ‘Typing, spelling and miscellaneous errors…
The humour throughout the narrative is spot on: His odour eaters were timed out and about to go critical at any moment.

Richard,

I have had The Men of Dunwich on my watch list for a while now, so I'm glad to finally give it a read. I read the first 3 chapters, then skipped to a random chapter in the middle, just for fun. The humorous tone is unusual in a horror story. It allows the reader to get comfortable, then offers a contrast to the scares when they come.

The letter at the beginning is intriguing because it is detailed, yet the reader has no idea what it is really about. The old-fashioned style offers a clue.

I'm not sure what I think about the omniscient narrator. It's not something we see a lot of these days, which makes it fresh by being old-fashioned. It allows the reader to know more than the characters. However, it also distances the reader from Tam. Sometimes it seemed that the story really wanted to be from his point-of-view, and the other perspectives were interruptions. That said, you handle it pretty well, and it adds to the archly humorous tone.

Meeting Tam near the end of a miserable temp assignment was good: how could things get worse? Clearly, this is a guy ready for a change. Tam and Sarah's banter is amusing and arch. It was sometimes difficult to know which of them was speaking -- they seem to have the same voice much of the time.

I didn't note a lot of obvious nitpicks. What I did see is noted below. One general comment: you need to use more commas to set off interruptions (for example, he wondered) and characters' names when they address each other by name in dialogue. Otherwise, the words kind of pile up and run on without a breath.

Ch 2

Pub food was abhorrence to her. You want either "an abhorrence" or "abhorrent."

'. . . so sensitive a bit like err. The close quote is missing. Also, I recommend a comma after "sensitive." And you should spell the hesitant "uh" sound with only one r: "er". Otherwise, it looks like the verb, err, which gets really crazy when Teresa his on Tam's case about his errors. (As an American, I really do spell it "uh").

Ch 10
(It skips from chapter 9 to chapter 13, so Authonomy chapter 10 is your chapter 13)

. . . plate of fresh muscles . . . I think you wanted "mussels"

Good luck with this!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Deeply amusing start, witty and yet pointed. Loved the bit about the embroidered bag made by little slavies in the East.
I do like this very much. Horror isn't my genre but you cunningly lulled me in with the start. I did love the letter at the start. So I'm going to read more as I go along as I'm keen to know what happens...your pitch is intriguing. This is a original voice, a new way of setting a story, and promises plenty of excitements late on. It defintiely deserves to be published and is very much the genre of the moment. So good luck Richard.

Richard,
You have a unique and humerous writing style which kept me reading to the end of what's posted. Tam is a likeable character and some of the situations that he finds himself in are very funny. Toby is well characterized and there is some rich dialogue between him and Tam. I was drawn to this by your pitch, both short and long pitch are intriguing, but it has left me a little confused, as 21 ch's in, and I've still to meet Grace. Perhaps the opening chapter's before Tam arrives at the caravan (although equally entertaining) could be trimmed, to allow us to get to the bones of the story more quickly. I did enjoy this however and have rated accordingly.
Best wishes
Babs

Stark Silvercoin wrote 131 days ago [send message] [reply]

The Men of Dunwich is surprisingly humorous, especially for a work of horror. I was kind of expecting something along the lines of The Dunwich Horror from H.P. Lovecraft when I started reading. I was almost angry that I was enjoying the witty dialog and little inside jokes that author Richard Thurston has sprinkled throughout his tale. I was happy to see that the horror aspect does eventually happen, and I’m thinking that the easy-going first part was to put readers at ease, only to come at them later on when they don’t expect it. There is a perfect mix of action and dialog. The story moves along well and we really do care for the main character, a must for any horror story that wishes to rise above a slasher mentality. Richard Thurston is a talented writer and I’m surprised I’ve not seen anything from him in bookstores yet, though I have little doubt that I soon will.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

THE MEN OF DUNWICH - “It was as though Oxfam had carried out a midnight raid.”

That line made me stop and laugh and there a lots of other witty lines that make me like Tam, despite his dubious qualities. He wants to be anarchic and deep and tortured, but he’s not really any of those things. Behind his angst is the growing support for Thatcher and the direction he can sense the country will take, leading to his meltdown on set and the catalyst for change (plot hook). The pitch promises a fantastical plot and though I didn’t particularly warm to the letter at the beginning (the writing was very affected) it does need to be there (to keep the hook in mind), and actually reading on, your writing style is rather affected – dare I say it dices on the edge of purple prose (would get rid of some of those exclamations). Where I think this style struggles is in dialogue – they just don’t sound like real people in 1978, more like 1878, (though the rude banter with Sarah is good – everyone has a work buddy they trade insults with).

You see, I can’t decide if you are in charge of your prose and have laboured over every word choice or whether it has come out like this and needs pulling in. When I read lines like the Oxfam one, I think you’re in charge and then at other times it seems a bit loose and indulgent and I think, 1st draft.

I don’t feel able to offer any particular advice, because I think the meandering voice and irrelevancies of scenes (i.e. what does Sarah add to the plot), is intentional and part of what makes this novel different (though I guess the previous para suggests there is a lack of consistency in the quality of the prose). It is not a novel that I would choose to read – Tam is, I think, a great character (and who knows, he may become a hero in the end) but I don’t relate to him and his world view. However I do think lots of readers will find reflections of themselves in his undirected anarchy and empathise with his sense of being unimportant and unable to change anything.
A different kind of read that I certainly enjoyed, even if the story itself is not my thing. Juliet

Dunwich, Mr. Thurston, has a fascinating history, and you, my friend, have done it justice with your marvelous tale.

All best wishes and, I must say, Dunwich Beach is quite captivating.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Dunwich, Mr. Thurston, has a fascinating history, and you, my friend, have done it justice with your marvelous tale.

All best wishes and, I must say, Dunwich Beach is quite captivating.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Dunwich, Mr. Thurston, has a fascinating history, and you, my friend, have done it justice with your marvelous tale.

All best wishes and, I must say, Dunwich Beach is quite captivating.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hi Richard. Read the first three chapters of The Men of Dunwich. Your prose are well written and entertaining. Also the way the characters interact and the dialogue is realistic and often funny. However, I'm not sure if the plot is appealing enough. Certainly in the chapters I read, about Tam working, how he fancies Sarah and him being fired, nothing stood out as being a unique enough tale to make me read more. The reason he loses his job is fairly mundane and fact that he isn't bothered about losing it means we don't really feel sorry for him. In my opinion you need to concentrate on the key events and how you want the reader to feel. Of course, feel free to ignore my comments. I wish you all the best with your story.
Tim
VITALITY

The Men of Dunwich
It's easy to follow the pathos of our lead character, thanks to the author's development and fine dialogue. Not having read the genre, I was initially lured beyond horror, tickled by the wit and drama, only to discover there was so much more of interest in this manuscript. As a Yankee, I'm frequently discovering new words and phases with British writing, so I often stumble, trying to discern the meanings, but the writing is well worth the occasional challenge. I agree on the pace and felt myself wishing it would get on with it. Some pruning - so difficult, I know, when we are happy with all our own words - would heighten his experience and readers' interest. I expect this will go a long way on the site. You have captured a unique individual. (One nitpik, which you may have done on purpose, but way back in the first chapter, Mere Trifle, first paragraph, last sentence, should be "darker misfortunes than we, not "us." Oops, a second technical observation. I wonder why the author has used so many different fonts and sizes of type — done on purpose for some kind of effect? Perhaps simply a writing adventure that would be corrected on future rewrites. In any case, certainly an entertaining read and I will star and back as soon as possible.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Dear Richard, I have read 3 chapters in detail and scanned to ch 8 - and still the story has not begun. A sound tenet of story-telling is that anything which does not further the plot should be cut. That I am afraid makes nearly all the banter, however amusing, difficult to justify. What are you trying to say? That Tam is an aimless young layabout with an identity crisis?

With Sarah, you even say that after the council office era Tam never sees her again except for one incident 20 years later - so what is she doing in the plot? You are in effect cheating your reader with pages and pages of it going nowhere. It would be so much more effective if she were to continue within your plot as a main character, or else that she is given a few brief paragraphs, just enough to reveal Tam's gormlessness before she disappears. If the latter, the scenes should be entirely through Tam's eyes, without going into the heads of the other characters, either Sarah or Teresa. - You do it again with Cab later. Unless Cab is to be given a proper role in the story you need to find some other way of expressing Cab's anxiety about Tam, if possible through Tam's mind - uncomprehending observation of Cab's behaviour, seeing a frown, or hesitation perhaps.

Who is your core reader? Someone who likes comedy? Or horror? Or social realism? You have story lines here which touch on all these, and probably more, but you need to have one major theme, and all others should be subservient to it, if only because editors and agents want to categorise the book. Always remember that it is the financiers who make the final decision to buy a script. If they cannot see how to publicise it, you will fail.

Another catch line for writers is, trust your reader. Often it is enough just to hint at an idea for the reader to understand. Spelling out every situation in detail can undermine patience. The best of a good book is often what is between the lines rather than in the words themselves. Also, when presenting a ms for reading, make sure it is immaculate. Publishers no longer have copy editors to correct them nowadays and they will automatically reject material which is not perfect. - Have a look at your punctuation, especially commas, and at sentence structures.

I do hope you will forgive these criticisms. Your ideas are good but I get the feeling that you enjoy your writing so much that you forget the (self) editor sitting at your shoulder! This reads like a first draft, the one that is most fun. It is only when that is down on paper that the hard work begins. (Join the club!) I have to admit that when I started
reading I expected a historical novel, based on the Men of Dunwich historical events, because of the title you chose. That may have led to my disappointment, but it might be a misapprehension in other readers too. Is there any way you could adjust the title to indicate something other than pure history? A well chosen adjective for the 'men' might make it clear.

May I wish you well with the book. It has potential and I shall keep an eye open for it in the future.

Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

Hello namesake,

You were so kind as to back 'Mademoiselle' and I've stopped by to give 'Men of Dunwich' a look. So far I like what I see, have added it to my Watchlist and will be coming back for more.

There are some issues I would like to address, but I find the format of authonomy makes it a bit difficult to do so properly. If you would be interested perhaps I could furnish you with an email address and invite you to send me a single chapter for closer analysis?

Gratefully, and with very best wishes,
Richard
Mademoiselle from Armentieres

Hi Richard,

I am no expert and I can only go on my instinctive response. I enjoyed your story because it is filled with personality--which I love. It is theatrical and I found it to be dry. I found that the font was a little too small. I have heard that it's not cool to use too many adverbs ... I don't know, but maybe something worth looking into. I think that sometimes you can afford to simplify some sentences, to make it easier on the reader.

5 stars.

Bec.(Find Mark)

As you invited me so politely to come and look, I did. Unfortunately, I think you have too many unnecessary words which, for me, get in the way of the narrative.

Hi - I just finished reading the first three chapters. I was thinking of some original critique that you may not have heard already - so here it is (and sorry if you've heard it already). Your story has a wonderful rhythm to it. Yes, the characters are gripping and everyone can relate on some level, but there's just such an easy flow to your words. Great work.

Richard,

I just finished reading through chapter 2. I found the banter between Tam and Sarah rather entertaining considering they're complete opposites. You have created two very complex characters quite quickly. I must say I found the work very challenging to read, partly because I'm American I suspect, but mostly due to the style you are wielding. You use a long narrative separated by an often equally long dialogue. May I suggest blending it together, mix it up a bit. I say this because I found it more telling and lecturing than I care for in a writing style. A number of POV shifts also led to some disjointment for me. Who is Virgil? Who slipped into Lady Penelope - Sarah? The jumble of names introduced caused me some pain to ferret out. Perhaps this is a successful writing style I am not familiar with, or the work may be out of my league literarily. I did notice a lack of comma usage. Was this intentional? You have a masterful talent for generating intriguing characters and I wish you the best.

Ryan Holmes
Age of Resurgence