My Road to Redemption: Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon

I'm impressed with your writing style, the chapters are well written and I felt like I was there with you the entire time, I will gladly back this book when I have room on my shelf.
-Charmain

You have a very personal voice that gets right in there with the reader--the way you tell your story so simply and honestly really sets it apart. Good job. The humor and the emotion make it so easy for me to equate with the story. Like I said before, it's so easy to imagine me being in that place instead. You do a good job. Keep up the good work.

--Shieldmaiden

Your write with a realism that is easy to step right into, and makes you feel how easy it would be if the character was you instead. It's all very well written. (By the way, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to you. I had to consult my list ;) ). Good job, and keep up the good work. I loved how you gave the CC almost an identity. Very intriguing for the reader. (At least for me).

--Shieldmaiden

Denise - Backed with pleasure.

Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

An incredible story, having written a true life story involving the criminal justice system I can completely understand your frustrations and desperation. I realise Denise is guilty and is therefore punished however the admission of guilt and the extenuating circumstances which led to the situation allow the reader to empathise with her and see she is not simply to be labelled 'a common criminal'. This deserves to be published and I will be backing it as soon as I have shelve space.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

Road to Redemption is an intimate, well-paced and deeply human memoir. I felt immediately vested in Denise, intrigued by her story, and hoping for the best for her. From the first chapter I felt the tension and chaos of her life and the desire to know the outcome is a great hook for readers. People love autobiographies because there's something in another's life to which we can relate. I find that true in Road to Redemption. I also appreciate the fine wording in this story, such as "spontaneity was wiped out of my life."
I will return to read on, but I believe this story deserves to be rated with high stars. Your chances at ultimately publishing this story are very good.
Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Writing from an autobiographical standpoint can have its obvious pitfalls (unless it's ghost written), mainly being the writer's urge to spew their story onto the page ad verbatim, which can often read linear & tiresome.
Road to Redemption avoids all that admirably. It could well be a piece of fiction in that in some places it reminded me of John Grisham's 'The Rainmaker' , especially the passages that involved Carlo & his dodgy associates.
IMO the first chapter is bang on. It sets the pace & the tension, and the flashbacks add to that intensity while cleverly giving the reader an insight as to what has gone down.
Naivety & vulnerability, the desperate feeling of want, all these character traits shine to the fore, but what really hits home is the open honesty born of stupidity & the subsequent reliance on faith to pull her through the ordeal.
A compelling read.
Denise, I remain intrigued as to how it all eventually pans/panned out for you.

Derryl Flynn (Scrapyard Blues)

I read ch 6 and was drawn to your voice. And horrified by your debt. Sometimes the system can be just that--an inhumane system. I think you keep the story compelling by being vulnerable, honest and real.

Find more in your messages.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. In saying that I could feel your pain in the words you wrote, but I also saw your honesty, frustration, and the will to make things right. Best of luck. Thanks for your support of December Gold.

Denise,

I have had The Road to Redemption on my list of promised reads since the middle of July, but have only just reached it. Apologies for the delay, but my list has grown and grown, and I've had trouble keeping up!!

I'm now trying to get through as many as possible, which means I'm not able to read as much as I would normally, nor can I comment as much as I usually do. However, here goes.

I have enjoyed the few chapters I have read. I wasn't sure about the alternating packages of 'action' and 'reflection' in the first chapter, but it works, and I like the way that, despite the seriousness of the storyline, you introduce a fair amount of humour.

There was only one technical pint that I noticed, and I'm not sure about this one.

You write,

"You have a 740 credit score" . . .

This paragraph contains dialogue from both parties. Is this "allowed" in publishing circles?

That apart, I like this. Backed with pleasure

Neil.

This is a rollicking read and your raw, gutsy style of writing is all the more absorbing because of the autobiographical aspect. Your example of the half cooked dinner really brings home the limitations of house arrest and you paint a horribly vivid picture of what it was like working for Carlo...a salutary lesson to us all not to fall in with the wrong crowd!

All the best with this.
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

I think I have commented before but I came back to read more. I love the immediacy of this writing it really draws the reader in and the pages turn without effort, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Very informative. I always wondered what house arrest was like. You brought me in completely. Can only read a chapter at a time due to my real life responsibilities and even then I have to skim a bit but it is certainly enough time to recognize a good story. Backed you for a few days. Just took it down to give somebody else some light only to put you back up every time I get the chance.

Appreciatively,

"We...are...very...sorry...for...taking...things..." HIlarious. Great story, especially for those us with kids who are looking for ways to make our point in the most ordinary of situations. This is a very engaging book. You are refreshingly honest about the situations, in your life, and your sense of humor gives some lightness to a serious life story. Your book appears to be doing well on this site, and deservedly so.

This is quite the interesting read. Of course the non-fiction aspect of it lends more than a bit of "reality," but it is the no-nonsense prose, unvarnished and nearly honest to a fault, that truly gives your story its wallop. Nice work.

You mention in opening that this is not meant to be the beginning, that the chapters are presented in order of closest to completion, but I found this a great beginning to your story. I think rearranging the chronology of real life events allows you to have a creative control over the story that an honest linear, point a to point z, telling often lacks. That and you've done a great job opening with the "this is where I am," allowing you to jump back once that is in place to tell the long, harrowing details of what led your, dare I say, downfall.

I really liked your style here. Thanks for sharing. All the best with this and, of course, easily backed.

Eric

Denise -

My Road to Redemption - What in fascinating story. I was caught up in the breathless race to hear the verdict afte 2. 5 years of waiting. Admittingly, I skipped the first paragraph. It talks fo parking, heat, stairs, two people that are not introduced and a span of 3 years ... Maybe revise this first paragraph or do without it, since it seems disjointed and does no credit to your otherwise accomplished writing. Best success.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is definitely an interesting read! I agree with the comment that this reads like a thriller. Your descriptions flow nicely and made me want to continue. Quality writing - backed!

Hi Denise,

Like the first part, but stories always need to be in the right order chap 1, 2 etc. so the reader follows the flow of the story. You have some great descriptions, but the lines are a bit short and sharp in some cases, add a few commas and cut a few full stops here and there. The back story is good, but needs to flow in the story not stand out. I've been a victim of the same thing, and editors have told me to not put it in where it disrupts the flow. Over all though, you've got a good style. Keep at it and good look.

Regards

Sar

I agree on the opening: it's perfect. And I like the way you integrate the italics (the bit about the FBI caught my attention).
Good luck with it.

Backed,
Dagura
'Rising Seas'

I like the opening. I would not change it. The strappy heels and the suggestion we have a person here who is always in a hurry, always running late. Hints at a complicated life. Maybe 6 months of house arrest will be a welcome respite. The narrative carries the reader along. As with all writing, it just needs some tightening. Maybe the first two italic bits don't need to be revealed yet. We are already wondering why you are in such a pickle. Keep us wondering for a while. I'm putting this on watchlist while I figure out what book I will get rid of to make room. This is a cruel world!

This is a fascinating story especially as it's non-fiction. It reads like a thriller. There are a few editting errors that have been pointed out so I won't stress them as every book needs a good re-write now and them. I like the way you write and wish you well with this. K.J>

I'm putting this on my watchlist. It has lots of promise. My biggest piece of advice is to shorten several portions. I also recommend starting this right at the inciting incident. Here's what I'd write as your beginning. Notice how I flushed all the background and backstory. I also shortened the talk that went back and forth and got rid of about half the internal narrative:
The judge turned to me. “Miss Rachat, do you understand the charges?”


“Yes, your honor.”
***
The bit about the 740 score is good. It lets us know the nature of the crime.
***
“Was your guilty plea made without coercion?”
“Yes, your honor, it was.” What option did I have?
My lawyer, Mr. Abraham, nudged me lightly. I stood up. My left leg shook from where I’d broken a heel, running like hell to get here on time. Was I sweating? Did I still pant? Would being like this cause the judge to dislike me and make matters worse? I tapped my heel and hoped I wouldn’t fall flat on my face.
“Thank you, your honor …

Hi Denise, back as requested. I'll point to certain things as I read.

Screeching into the parking place (,) I jammed the car into park and made a beeline for the car.
Sweat made its way down my back (better more simplified, yes).
Beth and Marie, who'd come with me for support, weren't holding up much better.
I can't believe (that) three years have passed. (Cut the "thats" whenever possible. They bog a sentence down.
How I wish I could turn back the hands of time . . . (this should stand on it's own, not closely enough related to the FBI raiding the office. . . . and do thing differently(,)but I have to be dreaming. Dreaming won't help me now (more powerful end, yes?)
My lungs burned and legs ached, as I ganced at my watch: 10am and already 80 . . . (trimming sentences is a must.) I raced on, twisted my foot, my strappy flew, and I hobbled to retrieve it. When I looked up, I saw the crazy line at the metal detector . . . (Italic here, possibly, if it's a thought > Great, I'm going to be late . . . )

I hope this helps and gives you an idea of how to improve the read. I just spend 12 hours editing Huntington and still find ways to correct and improve it. . . . ugh, it's never ending. lol

Keep plugging at it.

Suz

Denise,
Thank you for backing Eve.
You have a very interesting story. It is very brave of you to tell it.
You are doing a good job of "showing" instead of "telling." The only suggestion I would make is to start this first chapter with "Don't worry, it will all be over in a little bit." She would respond by - A nervous laugh sputtered out of me. I agreed that it would. My life. Over and gone. Done.-
It is the same words, just rearrainged.
The first chapter is hugely important as that is when the reader decides if they plan to read the rest. But it is the first sentence that makes the first impression. Grab any book of the shelf and read that first sentence and you will see what I mean.
You have good words, just shuffle them. I think it will make a greater impact.
Blessings,
Sharon Van Orman
Eve, an Eden's Exiles novel

A very touching and thought provoking work, and I admire your bravery and strength in telling such a personal story. I know you say the chapters are in no particular order, but I like the way the story moves backwards at times and then forwards, kind of effect then cause, rather than cause and effect! I really felt your dilemmas and the fear and humiliation of the situations you found yourself in.
I am sure this will develop into a great book, keep up the good work and best of luck.
Rachael
(Dreamscape)

drops of sweat (snaking) their way?
I'll never make it! (Could it stand alone and give the reader a break?)
Really! (Italics might serve better here, in place of the caps.)
Again,possible break: I bit back the nasty comment sitting on my tongue . . .
My heart raced. (Could it stand alone?)
Now my lungs burned, my chest hurt, the sides of my blouse had come loose.
Fixing my blouse, I spotted my attorney . . .

Sorry to start with the editing, but I try and do it as I read and the above hit me straight off.
Before I would self publish, I would keep editing until it's highly polished work.
Super effort and keep at it.
Excellent plot going on here and this could be a wonderful book.

I hope this was helpful.

Best of luck,
Suz

Excellent start, you want to know straight away why the narrator is running, but you have this great sense of forboding. So an atmospheric start and then the low-sown on what it is like to be in this situation. I like the touch of wry .humour when she is fitted with the device and says that it was a fashion accessory because black goes with everything. The book manages to achieve what a lot of biographies fail to, in that you are rooting for he author - you are on her side. A good read then and lots to commend. Presumably an editor will address the typos and stylistic lapses. Backed Jaye Hill

Nice introduction and professionally written. Hooked right away in the courtroom. The biggest suggestions I have are to reduce the physical size of some of the paragraphs. Density is a physical thing to the reader. They come upon a long paragraph and pause before wading into it. The second observation is how incredibly better the court drama is compared to the narrative approach that follows for a couple pages. I suggest keeping the story moving forward in a scene and not taking us to places. For example, I had to go to West Palm Beach to meet my probation officer, Kyle ... This is the sort of thing that can go unsaid. One simply puts the POV into the space with Kyle and we assume she had to go there and somehow got there. Thus, keep in contact, at all times, with progressive, active plot. Dialogue and show over narrative of all forms, unless there is a huge need for narrative form. It's more a matter of trimming than anything else because the story content is here. Lots of it isn't needed and lots of the meat is encumbered. Thus you take the buns off and toss them away. You pull out the lettuce and pickles and cheese. What you have left is a nice chopped steak and all you need is to whip out the steak sauce and put the napkin in your collar.

Hope that helps a bit. Good stuff though. I hope to see more of it.

the title is so attractive to me and this life-changing testimony is what we need in this crooked, evil world. Keep it up!
Wildy

Hi Denise,
You have a brave and interesting story to tell and you do so in a very engaging manner. It's a little hard to follow though because of the ordering of your chapters. The reaction to your sentencing seems to shift rather from one section to another. I very much liked your use of internal dialogue to let us know what you are thinking and feeling.
Lucy

Your sad and terrifying life experiences make this a touching and compelling read. You are very brave in setting it all down and confronting the bad scenes you had to face all over again. But then, your courage shines through in the first chapters I read. Your writing draws the reader in immediately - I was instantly hooked and will be back to read more.
Already backed, and would do so again with pleasure.
Anna (Black Damask)

Your writing skills are descriptive. The dialogue really shows us what your feeling. ex. ...First, I want to apologize...Well done!!

A good biography is alway good to read. Your very truthful. I like your writing skills.

This is a very interesting read. Something different in the true life category! You have great command of the language, which kept my eyes hopping along the page. Thank God I didn't have to pause every ten seconds and try to figure out what was wrong with the sentence I just read (a common occurrence on this site). Another thing you do very well is stay in the proper POV. This seems easy to do, especially in first person non-fiction, but all POV takes practice; amateurs always screw it up. Punctuation is good, grammar is good.

I'd use italics for the internal thoughts, though. This does two things: It makes it easier to separate the MC's thoughts from her actions, and it provides a quasi-dialogue in the paragraphs that lack true dialogue. Overall, very well done, entertaining and educational. Backed.

J. Moore
Vigilante

The following three people have given you excellent advice: IAN-S, Emma Morgan and Pip Toodle. I would follow it were I you. I shelve your book with pleasure and will follow its growth.

Bob

Hi Denise,
Yesterday you asked me to have a read of your work and give my opinions. so here we go...
I think you have a good story here and the writing is to a good standard. But you should try
to focus on the pacing of the writing. When I read chapter one I was instantly struck by the
contrast in pace. The intitial paragragh is a little too rushed in comparison to what follows it.
The opening chapter is what should grab the reader (publisher). This is only my opinion
but I would recommend that you should re-write the opening paragraph. There's no need
to rush through it so much, it's an important scene. Explore the emotions of the scene a
little bit more.
This is only an opinion, not a criticism. I like what I read.

I wish you success.

Ian.

This isn’t written like a memoir so much as a first-person thriller, Denise, which is a great stylistic choice. Too many memoirs are slow and take forever to start their central story; yours opens like an episode of a procedural show and is all the more engaging for it. I would recommend a snappier title, maybe – ‘Cop’s Kid To Convict’, say – but you have nailed the tone and that’s the hardest part. Well done to you, and KC Hart too :)

Great opening. I was thinking you should hold out awhile before revealing the charges to heighten the reader's intrigue, but I don't know. That's just a thought. Good story from what I've read so far. Is it true?

Enjoyable. I funny word to use when reading a story that tells the tale of life crumbling all around you..but none the less. There is fun not to whiny way about the righting that i enjoy. The story is mesmorizing because its just the average sheila making a dumb mistake and getting nailed for it. Backed.
Frits Haverkamp
The Devil's Maw---thanks for backing the Maw as well.

This is an important true story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Vivid descriptions. Intense narrative. Crisp dialogue. Spot on wit. An intriguing read. Backed.

Hi darlin,
Yes, I will back your book, because the public needs to learn more about our legal system. I think your story is a great example of how nonviolent offenders should be treated and sadly, are not in many states. The only problem is people don't realize the degrees of the world "felon" and there is the rub, you are not a mass murderer, but yet much of the legal process is geared to the worst offenders. Please know that I respect and understand your journey and I think it is important to share with America.
RW

I usually steer clear of Biographies, for the reasons suggested in my 'Bio': they're either misery memoirs that seem to compete with one another for who had the worst life, or celebrity bios, who gloat about how big they've made and how you never can.
But this...this I can definitely read. For starters, it's a STORY. You can actually sit down and read it and get into it. And it's not bleak or overtly miserable: true, this is serious stuff, but you play it out with some deliciously dry humour and wry observations which plays off against the harder-hitting stuff excellently. Great job, and the absolute best of luck with it.

PeeJay

This is an interesting insight into the mind of a convicted first time felon. The story has me intrigued, and I will continue to read. Well done, backed.

You describe the emotions involved in all this extremely well. this book would challenge many people about to get caught up in crime. backed.

very intriguing description of an ordinary person's encounters with the criminal legal system.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

I too am a cop's daughter - my mom is a policewoman. Good luck with your book. You have a story that some one can learn from.

I am already on chapter 5 - knowing that we connect on some things made me very interested in your manuscript. The verse from book of Romans is so true. We both know that now. Anyway so far so good. Your delivery is to the point.

This is outstanding! The reader can see, hear, and feel what you're going through. The flow is very smooth, and the punctuation and syntax are perfect. Congratulations! I wish you all of God's blessings on htis finely crafted work. BACKED!

Once I got through the first paragraph I breezed through the first chapter. Opening lines and paragraphs are crucial to stories as many readers decide then and there if a book is worth reading. Unfortunately I couldn't sink my teeth into your reader's catch, but after the opening I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. The main character has a lot of spunk and her narrative is easy to read and light hearted - despite her difficult situation. I did catch some typos, but nothing an editor won't fix. All in all, nice work!

Danielle Gin
An Angel in New York

Denise
Wow! This is so real. Whether it's from your mind or history, it's great writing. I only had time to read the first chapter but hopefully my notes will be useful (bear in mind they're just my opinions):

* We (aren't) going to make it - your thinking should be in present tense.
* Up above a fly buzzed - this is an example of how you use small, irrelevant details that make it real. Excellent.
* Wasting the court(')s time
* A chair scrapped - should be scraped
* End of first section: I wasn't convinced she'd be sucker punched by this. surely home detention was the least of her worries. Perhaps she could convince herself earlier that she'll get off - Then I'd feel her shock.
* ...late for work[there's a gap here before the period].
* a radius of 90 feet. Much too big. Pi R squared give the area of a circle, so the leash (radius) would be a little under 17 feet to give about 900 sq feet
* 30 yards on a football field - the problem with this is it's not an area. 30 yards by 1 foot would be 900 sq feet.
* GPS - I don't think you need to explain this in parenthesis
* Cinderella moment - why would she expect it to be? I'd remove this reference.
* The last line after the daydream "sadly it never came to fruition." I don't think the word "fruition" works - it somehow weakens the line. How about: "That was my dream. But the reality would be very different."

Great stuff. This has the hallmark of success. Work at it and make it happen!

BW
Murray (Suspicion)