Book Jacket

 

rank 710
word count 15123
date submitted 07.04.2010
date updated 02.11.2010
genres: Romance, Non-fiction, Biography, Ha...
classification: moderate
incomplete

My Road to Redemption: Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon

Denise Rachat

Bad choices and desperation bought me six months of house arrest. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

When I first met Carlo I knew he was no good. I was desperate and didn't care. The previous three months of planning my escape from 9 to 5 doldrums skidded to an abrupt halt and I was out of a job.

So what do you do when the devil himself hands you a weekly paycheck? Do you take it and work while looking for new employment or do you leave and figure a way to feed your fifteen year old son? What do you think you would do? Seems like an easy choice but when forced to make a life-altering decision it isn't always so simple.

This is my story of how I went from the proverbial cop's daughter to a convicted felon and how I'm making my way back on the road to redemption.

 
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The chapters uploaded are not in order… just the most complete.

 

Broward County Federal Courthouse, Ft. Lauderdale, FL        September 25, 2009

    Screeching into the parking space I jammed the car into park and made a beeline for the stairs.  The intense heat and humidity was stifling.  Drops of sweat made their way down my backFrom the looks of it, Lori and Marie were not holding up any better.  They came with me for support.  I couldn’t have made it through the previous three years without them.  

*******

I can’t believe that three years have passed since that fateful Thursday afternoon when the FBI raided the office.  Seemed like a lifetime ago; how I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently.  I have to stop daydreaming; it won’t help me now.

******

My lungs already burned and the back of my legs ached. I glanced at my watch; ten o’clock in the morning and already 80⁰.  I ran as if my life depended on it.  My foot twisted and my strappy heel flew.   I hobbled over to it, reached down and slipped it back on.  When I looked up, I saw the line forming at the metal detector.  Great, I was going to be late. My friends motioned for me to continue, knowing I was in a hurry.  The jurors in line chatted with the guards.  The juror in front of me, and the one holding me up, was casually opening a Tupperware container and offering cookies to the security guards.  IncredibleDidn’t they understand I couldn’t be late? 

*****

Let me clarify, I was not looking forward to this appointment.  Truth be told, this juror was aiding in my procrastination.  This was the culmination of 2 ½ years of waiting; waiting and wondering what was to be my destiny.  I knew the deal; I was being convicted of bank fraud.  It was done; signed, sealed and delivered.  I’ve already worked my deal with the District Attorney.  It didn’t make the sentencing any easier.

*****

I bit back the nasty comment sitting on my tongue, forced a smile and tried to slow my heaving shoulders.  Before the Food Network flunkey went into the chute, I scooped up my shoes, pulled off my bracelets, watch and earrings, dumped everything on the conveyor belt, stepped into the metal detector and prayed it wouldn’t go off; my heart nearly exploded out of my chest.  I looked to the guard, saw his nod, grabbed my stuff and hopped along, slipping on my heels, almost falling in the process I raced to the staircase and sprinted up.  Now, my lungs really burned and the damp sides of my blouse came loose; I looked a mess.

    I spotted my attorney sitting just outside the courtroom and he looked up from his papers just as I rounded the corner.  I wiped my sweaty hands on the side of my dark slacks. His small dark eyes locked on mine.  He took my hand, squeezed it, and said, “Don’t worry; this will all be over in a little bit.”

    My life as I know it, I thought was over. A nervous laugh sputtered out of me.

     We walked inside the courtroom just as the judge entered from a side door, and stood there until he sat down.  No formalities, no time to slip into courtroom mode, no time to catch my breath.

    The judge read the sentencing guidelines to me and asked the District Attorney some basic questions and his recommendation on sentencing.

    The District Attorney responded confirming his agreement and recommended home confinement in lieu of jail time.

    The Judge turned to me and said, “Miss Rachat, do you understand the charges against you?” 

    ***

    “You have a 740 credit score!”  Carlo exclaimed excitedly while running into my office.  “Yes, I do.”  I replied, a bit smug.  “How would you like to make $2000.00?”  Now that’s a stupid question I thought; of course I’d like to make $2000.00.  Actually, I need that money so desperately, I thought, as I actually sat there and contemplated his offer.  All I have to do is sign my name on a boat loan?   Sounds easy.

    ***

I answered, “Yes, Your Honor.”  

     “Miss Rachat, was your guilty plea made without coercion and with full knowledge of the charges against you?” inquired the judge. 

    “Yes, Your Honor, it was.” 

     The judge then asked, “Are you in agreement?”

    My inner voice whispered, what am I going to say, no? I couldn’t back out now. 

    Mr. Abraham nudged me lightly.

    I stood up.  My left leg shook. I heard a muffled cough behind me, and up above a fly buzzed.  I still couldn’t believe this was happening. Be brave, the voice in my head whispered.  Put one foot in front of the other; the walk to the podium seemed to take forever.  I heard the tap of my heels and hoped I wouldn’t fall flat on my face. Courage came from some place. I put one hand on the podium, cleared my throat and looked up to the Judge, looking him in the eyes like my father taught me. My father…the policeman.  With all my heart I prayed the right words would come out.

    “Thank you, Your Honor.  First, I want to apologize for wasting the courts time today, one more person that is on your schedule as a result of my poor decisions.”  I continued, “Second, I do not stand before you to offer excuses for my behavior.  I allowed myself to be in a position to make choices that brought me here today.” A loud breath rushed out of me.  “At the time I thought I had no way out of a bad situation.  Over the past three years, I’ve learned there is always a lawful way out of a bad situation.  I was just a bit dense, and I can assure you that you will never see me in a courtroom again.” 

    That was a promise.  I thanked him and went back to my seat.   A chair scraped.  Joe, my friend from church and a public defender for the county, stood and spoke on my behalf.  His words were kind. I heard him assure the judge that my behavior was definitely a direct result of circumstance and completely out of character for me.  

    The whole process took about fifteen minutes. Three years of wondering and waiting, three years with my stomach in a knot, three years of purgatory over in fifteen minutes; kind of like Thanksgiving dinner. 

    The judge looked at me and said, “Denise Rachat, you have been charged with felony bank fraud and are hereby sentenced to six-months of home detention with two and a half years of probation.  Once the sentence has been fulfilled….” 

    Whoa!  The power of the judge’s words hit me…and hard.  Even though I knew the outcome walking into the courtroom, his words took my breath away. Although jail time was not in my future, I imagined the resounding “clank” of a jail cell closing around my life as I knew it.  

 

 

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Phil 4:11

New Beginnings

    Friday, October 2, 2009, played like a movie, over and over in my head, the culmination of two and a half years of waiting and wondering what my fate would be.  I checked my watch.  8:00 AM.  Why didn’t I make the appointment earlier, that way I wouldn’t worry about being late for work?  Can’t change it now.

At 8:02 the doorbell rang. I blew out a breath, releasing a little of the fear that had been three years in the making.  I stood up.  Time to get this over with.

As I walked toward the door, I looked down at my hand.  It trembled. I grabbed it with my other trembling hand.  I looked at my front door and wished there was a peephole, but it didn’t have one.  My stomach knotted, and as I turned the knob and swung open the door, there before me stood my jailer for the next six months.  Mr. Simpson, my probation officer, stood about six feet tall with slicked back black hair that fell below his ears.  Later, I noticed he wore a well-worn green button-down shirt and jeans, but the first thing I noticed was that he did not smile…at all. He looked like one of those Secret Service Agents in movies or on television, guarding the President.   His gaze darted around my condo, no doubt searching for drug paraphernalia or weapons.  Come on, do you think I would just leave them out in the open?

    I’m kidding.

He heaved the big black box that I assumed held my monitoring device on the kitchen table with a thud.  I stared at it. Why did they box it in black? Would it hurt?  Would it shock me if I stepped out of line?  I vaguely remember something about it zapping someone’s leg, maybe Martha Stewart.  Questions swirled around my head, but a sane voice told me to focus.  In fifteen minutes you will be late for work.  I could not afford to be late, and I’m not talking about money.  I had to work. Work was my salvation and not just to get out of the house; it was a requirement.  I had to be gainfully employed or else I could have gone to jail. Yeah, that was not going to happen.

 

He asked where this monstrosity would be housed for the next six months, so I figured next to my bed on my nightstand would work. Who's going to go in there but family?

 

    Sadly, no one.

 

He handed me a stack of papers to read over.  I sat down at the table and read my new “laws” and the terms of my sentence, basically what I could and could not do for the next six months.  I noted rather quickly that the “could not” do section was much longer than the “could” do section.  I read over what was expected of me. Yup, lost most of my civil rights…got it. I wouldn’t need to vote anyway. 

I could go to work, church, shopping two hours a week and then home, absolutely nothing else.  I told myself it wouldn’t be such a hardship.  I’m a homebody anyway.  Yeah, another voice said, it is one thing if the rules were self-imposed and an entirely different ballgame when someone else does the imposing.  

My apartment was small, only about 900 square feet.  Imagine being stuck in your home with only 900 square feet to roam from the monitor; thirty yards on a football field.  Homebody took on a whole new meaning. Most dogs have a longer leash.

If I behaved well during the first three months, did all the coulds and none of the could nots, I would be granted a weekend furlough for the remainder of my time. I would have four hours a week to do what I wanted. I began counting down the days before the damn thing was hooked up.

I watched Mr. Simpson hook up the system, which he connected to the telephone and tested it to make sure it worked. He still had not smiled.  I waited, checked my watch every two minutes, anxious for the digital voice confirmation to say all clear.  I wanted him out of my home.  I quickly thought of the monstrosity as my personal GPS. Like a car’s GPS it spoke to me.  If I happened to be on the connecting phone too long it said, “Hang up the phone.”  Unlike a real GPS it did not track me. It just knew if I were home or not.

Reminders of my crime and punishment bombarded me. When the monitoring system was hooked up, Mr. Simpson sat across from me and went over the rules, using his pen as a pointer, and read the details of my sentence. He still had not smiled, not once.  Without emotion, he reviewed the rules and asked, “Do you have any questions?” 

I did have one, a huge one. How many days, hours and minutes until this thing comes off?     I could not gather the courage to ask, it didn’t seem high on his priority list. Still not smiling, he continued reading over each section in detail and pointed to the dotted line. 

    You know the cliché: signing your life away?

    I signed.

My moment of truth arrived, or should I say slammed down on me.  As he held up what looked like a vintage 1980's digital watch monstrosity that was to be my constant reminder of my crime for the next six months, I reminded myself of how happy I was that no actual jail time was in my future, however, this sucked. Cinderella had nothing on me.  He wasn’t holding a glass slipper. 

“What, I have to be home by midnight or else I’ll turn into a pumpkin?” I quipped; my nervousness evident.

I knew as I extended my leg my freedom went out the window. Mr. Simpson, still not smiling, measured the adjustable band to my ankle size, cut off the extra length and clamped it on.  It was done. The cell door clunked shut.  I must say it was quite lovely and went with most everything; you can't go wrong with basic black.

I felt bone deep humiliation, and desperation so raw that I wanted to claw it off.   This man didn't know me or my situation. All he knew was what was written on his paperwork.  He did not know how desperate I had been.  I hadn’t bilked billions from the bank.  I just wanted to keep my job, feed my boy and pay the rent.  He only knew what the papers said.  I was convicted of bank fraud.  I was, and always will be, a felon. 

Bank fraud.  Felon.

Those words are ominous. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you hear them? The words don’t describe what really happened. Just like in high school a girl can get labeled.  Kiss too many boys and she’s fast, don’t kiss enough and she’s frigid. Here the label was more a tattoo splattered across my forehead in inch high letters:  Convicted felon.  

    Would these words follow me all the days of my life?

My Constant Companion (CC), the dynamite fashion accessory on my ankle changed my life in ways I never fathomed.

Imagine grocery shopping, picking up the cleaning, a prescription or going to the bank.  I had two hours. The first time, I looked forward to getting out of the house.  CC killed that idea.  CC made it a nightmare, an anxiety-laden, dreaded nightmare.  For starters, days ahead of time I started a list; I mapped a route and made a plan.  List in hand, I left my condo. Have you ever thought how much you take for granted going about your day?  

“Ugh, never fails!” I mumbled as I walked into the bank.  The line to the teller was ten deep. Was every senior citizen in South Florida cashing their Social Security check?

“Seriously, where do they have to go?”  Nowhere, that was the problem, they had all the time in the world.  I contemplated going to the front of the line and lifting my pant leg exposing my CC and begging the person next in line to let me cut.  Thinking a bit I realized that sympathy would not be overflowing.  I anxiously tapped my foot willing the line to move fast. 

I would make up time at the supermarket; I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m getting.  My plan worked until I picked the wrong checkout line.  “Really, can I just scream?”  Wouldn’t you know it, I was stuck behind the woman with a hundred coupons, who insisted on paper and plastic, frozen food in one bag, produce in another.  She was probably headed to the bank next!   I watched my two hours evaporate as fast as a South Florida puddle disappears in July. My heart raced.  I dashed to the car, threw the bags in the backseat.  The prescription drive through line went forever.  I had to skip the dry cleaning. 

Get the picture?   CC may be my constant companion, but it was not my friend.

    Just driving home from work was a stressful experience, and I’m not talking about South Florida traffic. About a half-mile from home, I-95 was bogged up bumper-to-bumper.  Unless I cut across the median and commit another crime, I knew I was stuck way past CC’s curfew.  Like a teenager, I called my “jailer” and let him know the traffic situation.  Believe me, it had to match the traffic reports.

Spontaneity was wiped out of my life.

Imagine coming home after a long day of work. You are about to start a fantastic dinner; a gourmet dinner you’ve been daydreaming about all day.  You’ve changed into your comfy clothes, you’ve opened a bottle of wine and are about to cook.  You start gathering up ingredients out of the fridge and realize that you are out of flour and have no butter.  There isn’t anything you can substitute. The swordfish has thawed, it cost a fortune. Do you just hop in the car and go down the street to the supermarket? 

You could. Not me.

I had to call someone and pray that they were on the road already and wouldn’t mind stopping at Publix, drive by my place and deliver it to the door.  Sorry, my leash didn’t allow me to even go out to the car for any length of time.  Once home at my allotted time that was it. When I was home there was no going back out. 

However, as bad as CC was, CC’s constraints were a mere inconvenience.  Looking back, nothing was as difficult as even the thought of telling my mom. For a long time, I vowed not to tell her at all.  I thought some miracle would stop the whole nightmare and it would just go away. Then I’d never have to tell her.  I was in South Florida, she was in Connecticut.  How would she know?   Some mornings I woke up, looked around and wondered if I just had a bad dream.  I did this for three years.  That was my personal purgatory.  Difficult was an understatement.  In some ways those days, BCC (before CC) were more challenging because I had to put my game face on for the world.  I trudged through life:  going to work, making the obligatory appearances at friends and church, all the while wondering when I was going to get “that” call, when the blade was going to drop.  I shuddered inside whenever my cell phone rang, praying I wouldn’t see Mr. Abraham’s name. His calls were always one-sided and foreboding.  He told me no news was good news.  I was always on edge. 

Over time it got easier but that’s when my imagination went wild.  Because a year passed before I heard a word from my attorney I held on to an unrealistic hope that maybe the District Attorney was going to drop the charges against me.  I would imagine pulling into my parking slip one day, staring in disbelief at my front door as a friend plastered a CONGRATULATIONS sign across my door like a banner.  As I killed the engine and cautiously opened the door my friend would turn around and our eyes would meet.  I was unsure, but hopeful, of the meaning behind the sign.  I did not want to get my hopes up.  At this point in the dream she dropped the sign, ran up to me, threw her arms around me and screamed that I was free.  This daydream happened regularly.  Sadly it never came to fruition. 

 

 

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Charmain wrote 496 days ago

I'm impressed with your writing style, the chapters are well written and I felt like I was there with you the entire time, I will gladly back this book when I have room on my shelf.
-Charmain

Shieldmaiden wrote 522 days ago

You have a very personal voice that gets right in there with the reader--the way you tell your story so simply and honestly really sets it apart. Good job. The humor and the emotion make it so easy for me to equate with the story. Like I said before, it's so easy to imagine me being in that place instead. You do a good job. Keep up the good work.

--Shieldmaiden

Shieldmaiden wrote 559 days ago

Your write with a realism that is easy to step right into, and makes you feel how easy it would be if the character was you instead. It's all very well written. (By the way, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to you. I had to consult my list ;) ). Good job, and keep up the good work. I loved how you gave the CC almost an identity. Very intriguing for the reader. (At least for me).

--Shieldmaiden

Paul Barr wrote 564 days ago

Denise - Backed with pleasure.

Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

livloo wrote 566 days ago

An incredible story, having written a true life story involving the criminal justice system I can completely understand your frustrations and desperation. I realise Denise is guilty and is therefore punished however the admission of guilt and the extenuating circumstances which led to the situation allow the reader to empathise with her and see she is not simply to be labelled 'a common criminal'. This deserves to be published and I will be backing it as soon as I have shelve space.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

Elizabeth.NYC wrote 568 days ago

Road to Redemption is an intimate, well-paced and deeply human memoir. I felt immediately vested in Denise, intrigued by her story, and hoping for the best for her. From the first chapter I felt the tension and chaos of her life and the desire to know the outcome is a great hook for readers. People love autobiographies because there's something in another's life to which we can relate. I find that true in Road to Redemption. I also appreciate the fine wording in this story, such as "spontaneity was wiped out of my life."
I will return to read on, but I believe this story deserves to be rated with high stars. Your chances at ultimately publishing this story are very good.
Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Derryl Flynn wrote 568 days ago

Writing from an autobiographical standpoint can have its obvious pitfalls (unless it's ghost written), mainly being the writer's urge to spew their story onto the page ad verbatim, which can often read linear & tiresome.
Road to Redemption avoids all that admirably. It could well be a piece of fiction in that in some places it reminded me of John Grisham's 'The Rainmaker' , especially the passages that involved Carlo & his dodgy associates.
IMO the first chapter is bang on. It sets the pace & the tension, and the flashbacks add to that intensity while cleverly giving the reader an insight as to what has gone down.
Naivety & vulnerability, the desperate feeling of want, all these character traits shine to the fore, but what really hits home is the open honesty born of stupidity & the subsequent reliance on faith to pull her through the ordeal.
A compelling read.
Denise, I remain intrigued as to how it all eventually pans/panned out for you.

Derryl Flynn (Scrapyard Blues)

Benjamin Dancer wrote 568 days ago

I read ch 6 and was drawn to your voice. And horrified by your debt. Sometimes the system can be just that--an inhumane system. I think you keep the story compelling by being vulnerable, honest and real.

Find more in your messages.

Ron Mitchell wrote 579 days ago

I thoroughly enjoyed this. In saying that I could feel your pain in the words you wrote, but I also saw your honesty, frustration, and the will to make things right. Best of luck. Thanks for your support of December Gold.

Mavrick wrote 581 days ago

Denise,

I have had The Road to Redemption on my list of promised reads since the middle of July, but have only just reached it. Apologies for the delay, but my list has grown and grown, and I've had trouble keeping up!!

I'm now trying to get through as many as possible, which means I'm not able to read as much as I would normally, nor can I comment as much as I usually do. However, here goes.

I have enjoyed the few chapters I have read. I wasn't sure about the alternating packages of 'action' and 'reflection' in the first chapter, but it works, and I like the way that, despite the seriousness of the storyline, you introduce a fair amount of humour.

There was only one technical pint that I noticed, and I'm not sure about this one.

You write,

"You have a 740 credit score" . . .

This paragraph contains dialogue from both parties. Is this "allowed" in publishing circles?

That apart, I like this. Backed with pleasure

Neil.

vanessa musson wrote 584 days ago

This is a rollicking read and your raw, gutsy style of writing is all the more absorbing because of the autobiographical aspect. Your example of the half cooked dinner really brings home the limitations of house arrest and you paint a horribly vivid picture of what it was like working for Carlo...a salutary lesson to us all not to fall in with the wrong crowd!

All the best with this.
Vanessa
Banana In The Briefcase

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 589 days ago

I think I have commented before but I came back to read more. I love the immediacy of this writing it really draws the reader in and the pages turn without effort, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Courtney Cascadian wrote 597 days ago

Very informative. I always wondered what house arrest was like. You brought me in completely. Can only read a chapter at a time due to my real life responsibilities and even then I have to skim a bit but it is certainly enough time to recognize a good story. Backed you for a few days. Just took it down to give somebody else some light only to put you back up every time I get the chance.

Appreciatively,

aweber wrote 598 days ago

"We...are...very...sorry...for...taking...things..." HIlarious. Great story, especially for those us with kids who are looking for ways to make our point in the most ordinary of situations. This is a very engaging book. You are refreshingly honest about the situations, in your life, and your sense of humor gives some lightness to a serious life story. Your book appears to be doing well on this site, and deservedly so.

Eric Laing wrote 603 days ago

This is quite the interesting read. Of course the non-fiction aspect of it lends more than a bit of "reality," but it is the no-nonsense prose, unvarnished and nearly honest to a fault, that truly gives your story its wallop. Nice work.

You mention in opening that this is not meant to be the beginning, that the chapters are presented in order of closest to completion, but I found this a great beginning to your story. I think rearranging the chronology of real life events allows you to have a creative control over the story that an honest linear, point a to point z, telling often lacks. That and you've done a great job opening with the "this is where I am," allowing you to jump back once that is in place to tell the long, harrowing details of what led your, dare I say, downfall.

I really liked your style here. Thanks for sharing. All the best with this and, of course, easily backed.

Eric

Pia wrote 604 days ago

Denise -

My Road to Redemption - What in fascinating story. I was caught up in the breathless race to hear the verdict afte 2. 5 years of waiting. Admittingly, I skipped the first paragraph. It talks fo parking, heat, stairs, two people that are not introduced and a span of 3 years ... Maybe revise this first paragraph or do without it, since it seems disjointed and does no credit to your otherwise accomplished writing. Best success.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Kittenkel wrote 604 days ago

This is definitely an interesting read! I agree with the comment that this reads like a thriller. Your descriptions flow nicely and made me want to continue. Quality writing - backed!

Sar H wrote 605 days ago

Hi Denise,

Like the first part, but stories always need to be in the right order chap 1, 2 etc. so the reader follows the flow of the story. You have some great descriptions, but the lines are a bit short and sharp in some cases, add a few commas and cut a few full stops here and there. The back story is good, but needs to flow in the story not stand out. I've been a victim of the same thing, and editors have told me to not put it in where it disrupts the flow. Over all though, you've got a good style. Keep at it and good look.

Regards

Sar

Dagura van Acra wrote 609 days ago

I agree on the opening: it's perfect. And I like the way you integrate the italics (the bit about the FBI caught my attention).
Good luck with it.

Backed,
Dagura
'Rising Seas'

dconnors8 wrote 610 days ago

I like the opening. I would not change it. The strappy heels and the suggestion we have a person here who is always in a hurry, always running late. Hints at a complicated life. Maybe 6 months of house arrest will be a welcome respite. The narrative carries the reader along. As with all writing, it just needs some tightening. Maybe the first two italic bits don't need to be revealed yet. We are already wondering why you are in such a pickle. Keep us wondering for a while. I'm putting this on watchlist while I figure out what book I will get rid of to make room. This is a cruel world!

rab14 wrote 612 days ago

This is a fascinating story especially as it's non-fiction. It reads like a thriller. There are a few editting errors that have been pointed out so I won't stress them as every book needs a good re-write now and them. I like the way you write and wish you well with this. K.J>

Gary Wedlund wrote 617 days ago

I'm putting this on my watchlist. It has lots of promise. My biggest piece of advice is to shorten several portions. I also recommend starting this right at the inciting incident. Here's what I'd write as your beginning. Notice how I flushed all the background and backstory. I also shortened the talk that went back and forth and got rid of about half the internal narrative:
The judge turned to me. “Miss Rachat, do you understand the charges?”


“Yes, your honor.”
***
The bit about the 740 score is good. It lets us know the nature of the crime.
***
“Was your guilty plea made without coercion?”
“Yes, your honor, it was.” What option did I have?
My lawyer, Mr. Abraham, nudged me lightly. I stood up. My left leg shook from where I’d broken a heel, running like hell to get here on time. Was I sweating? Did I still pant? Would being like this cause the judge to dislike me and make matters worse? I tapped my heel and hoped I wouldn’t fall flat on my face.
“Thank you, your honor …



Suzalex wrote 617 days ago

Hi Denise, back as requested. I'll point to certain things as I read.

Screeching into the parking place (,) I jammed the car into park and made a beeline for the car.
Sweat made its way down my back (better more simplified, yes).
Beth and Marie, who'd come with me for support, weren't holding up much better.
I can't believe (that) three years have passed. (Cut the "thats" whenever possible. They bog a sentence down.
How I wish I could turn back the hands of time . . . (this should stand on it's own, not closely enough related to the FBI raiding the office. . . . and do thing differently(,)but I have to be dreaming. Dreaming won't help me now (more powerful end, yes?)
My lungs burned and legs ached, as I ganced at my watch: 10am and already 80 . . . (trimming sentences is a must.) I raced on, twisted my foot, my strappy flew, and I hobbled to retrieve it. When I looked up, I saw the crazy line at the metal detector . . . (Italic here, possibly, if it's a thought > Great, I'm going to be late . . . )

I hope this helps and gives you an idea of how to improve the read. I just spend 12 hours editing Huntington and still find ways to correct and improve it. . . . ugh, it's never ending. lol

Keep plugging at it.

Suz

Sharon.v.o. wrote 620 days ago

Denise,
Thank you for backing Eve.
You have a very interesting story. It is very brave of you to tell it.
You are doing a good job of "showing" instead of "telling." The only suggestion I would make is to start this first chapter with "Don't worry, it will all be over in a little bit." She would respond by - A nervous laugh sputtered out of me. I agreed that it would. My life. Over and gone. Done.-
It is the same words, just rearrainged.
The first chapter is hugely important as that is when the reader decides if they plan to read the rest. But it is the first sentence that makes the first impression. Grab any book of the shelf and read that first sentence and you will see what I mean.
You have good words, just shuffle them. I think it will make a greater impact.
Blessings,
Sharon Van Orman
Eve, an Eden's Exiles novel

Rachael Cox wrote 620 days ago

A very touching and thought provoking work, and I admire your bravery and strength in telling such a personal story. I know you say the chapters are in no particular order, but I like the way the story moves backwards at times and then forwards, kind of effect then cause, rather than cause and effect! I really felt your dilemmas and the fear and humiliation of the situations you found yourself in.
I am sure this will develop into a great book, keep up the good work and best of luck.
Rachael
(Dreamscape)

Suzalex wrote 621 days ago

drops of sweat (snaking) their way?
I'll never make it! (Could it stand alone and give the reader a break?)
Really! (Italics might serve better here, in place of the caps.)
Again,possible break: I bit back the nasty comment sitting on my tongue . . .
My heart raced. (Could it stand alone?)
Now my lungs burned, my chest hurt, the sides of my blouse had come loose.
Fixing my blouse, I spotted my attorney . . .

Sorry to start with the editing, but I try and do it as I read and the above hit me straight off.
Before I would self publish, I would keep editing until it's highly polished work.
Super effort and keep at it.
Excellent plot going on here and this could be a wonderful book.

I hope this was helpful.

Best of luck,
Suz

Jaye Hill wrote 621 days ago

Excellent start, you want to know straight away why the narrator is running, but you have this great sense of forboding. So an atmospheric start and then the low-sown on what it is like to be in this situation. I like the touch of wry .humour when she is fitted with the device and says that it was a fashion accessory because black goes with everything. The book manages to achieve what a lot of biographies fail to, in that you are rooting for he author - you are on her side. A good read then and lots to commend. Presumably an editor will address the typos and stylistic lapses. Backed Jaye Hill

Gary Wedlund wrote 621 days ago

Nice introduction and professionally written. Hooked right away in the courtroom. The biggest suggestions I have are to reduce the physical size of some of the paragraphs. Density is a physical thing to the reader. They come upon a long paragraph and pause before wading into it. The second observation is how incredibly better the court drama is compared to the narrative approach that follows for a couple pages. I suggest keeping the story moving forward in a scene and not taking us to places. For example, I had to go to West Palm Beach to meet my probation officer, Kyle ... This is the sort of thing that can go unsaid. One simply puts the POV into the space with Kyle and we assume she had to go there and somehow got there. Thus, keep in contact, at all times, with progressive, active plot. Dialogue and show over narrative of all forms, unless there is a huge need for narrative form. It's more a matter of trimming than anything else because the story content is here. Lots of it isn't needed and lots of the meat is encumbered. Thus you take the buns off and toss them away. You pull out the lettuce and pickles and cheese. What you have left is a nice chopped steak and all you need is to whip out the steak sauce and put the napkin in your collar.

Hope that helps a bit. Good stuff though. I hope to see more of it.

wildychan wrote 622 days ago

the title is so attractive to me and this life-changing testimony is what we need in this crooked, evil world. Keep it up!
Wildy

Lucy Heath wrote 623 days ago

Hi Denise,
You have a brave and interesting story to tell and you do so in a very engaging manner. It's a little hard to follow though because of the ordering of your chapters. The reaction to your sentencing seems to shift rather from one section to another. I very much liked your use of internal dialogue to let us know what you are thinking and feeling.
Lucy

Anna Rossi wrote 623 days ago

Your sad and terrifying life experiences make this a touching and compelling read. You are very brave in setting it all down and confronting the bad scenes you had to face all over again. But then, your courage shines through in the first chapters I read. Your writing draws the reader in immediately - I was instantly hooked and will be back to read more.
Already backed, and would do so again with pleasure.
Anna (Black Damask)

lj reads wrote 626 days ago

Your writing skills are descriptive. The dialogue really shows us what your feeling. ex. ...First, I want to apologize...Well done!!

lj reads wrote 626 days ago

A good biography is alway good to read. Your very truthful. I like your writing skills.

J. Moore wrote 628 days ago

This is a very interesting read. Something different in the true life category! You have great command of the language, which kept my eyes hopping along the page. Thank God I didn't have to pause every ten seconds and try to figure out what was wrong with the sentence I just read (a common occurrence on this site). Another thing you do very well is stay in the proper POV. This seems easy to do, especially in first person non-fiction, but all POV takes practice; amateurs always screw it up. Punctuation is good, grammar is good.

I'd use italics for the internal thoughts, though. This does two things: It makes it easier to separate the MC's thoughts from her actions, and it provides a quasi-dialogue in the paragraphs that lack true dialogue. Overall, very well done, entertaining and educational. Backed.

J. Moore
Vigilante

Granddad Bob wrote 628 days ago

The following three people have given you excellent advice: IAN-S, Emma Morgan and Pip Toodle. I would follow it were I you. I shelve your book with pleasure and will follow its growth.

Bob

IAN-S wrote 630 days ago

Hi Denise,
Yesterday you asked me to have a read of your work and give my opinions. so here we go...
I think you have a good story here and the writing is to a good standard. But you should try
to focus on the pacing of the writing. When I read chapter one I was instantly struck by the
contrast in pace. The intitial paragragh is a little too rushed in comparison to what follows it.
The opening chapter is what should grab the reader (publisher). This is only my opinion
but I would recommend that you should re-write the opening paragraph. There's no need
to rush through it so much, it's an important scene. Explore the emotions of the scene a
little bit more.
This is only an opinion, not a criticism. I like what I read.

I wish you success.

Ian.

Emma Morgan wrote 630 days ago

This isn’t written like a memoir so much as a first-person thriller, Denise, which is a great stylistic choice. Too many memoirs are slow and take forever to start their central story; yours opens like an episode of a procedural show and is all the more engaging for it. I would recommend a snappier title, maybe – ‘Cop’s Kid To Convict’, say – but you have nailed the tone and that’s the hardest part. Well done to you, and KC Hart too :)

Arnold Lane wrote 632 days ago

Great opening. I was thinking you should hold out awhile before revealing the charges to heighten the reader's intrigue, but I don't know. That's just a thought. Good story from what I've read so far. Is it true?

Frits wrote 636 days ago

Enjoyable. I funny word to use when reading a story that tells the tale of life crumbling all around you..but none the less. There is fun not to whiny way about the righting that i enjoy. The story is mesmorizing because its just the average sheila making a dumb mistake and getting nailed for it. Backed.
Frits Haverkamp
The Devil's Maw---thanks for backing the Maw as well.

CarolinaAl wrote 640 days ago

This is an important true story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Vivid descriptions. Intense narrative. Crisp dialogue. Spot on wit. An intriguing read. Backed.

healthpolicymaven wrote 641 days ago

Hi darlin,
Yes, I will back your book, because the public needs to learn more about our legal system. I think your story is a great example of how nonviolent offenders should be treated and sadly, are not in many states. The only problem is people don't realize the degrees of the world "felon" and there is the rub, you are not a mass murderer, but yet much of the legal process is geared to the worst offenders. Please know that I respect and understand your journey and I think it is important to share with America.
RW

PeeJay wrote 642 days ago

I usually steer clear of Biographies, for the reasons suggested in my 'Bio': they're either misery memoirs that seem to compete with one another for who had the worst life, or celebrity bios, who gloat about how big they've made and how you never can.
But this...this I can definitely read. For starters, it's a STORY. You can actually sit down and read it and get into it. And it's not bleak or overtly miserable: true, this is serious stuff, but you play it out with some deliciously dry humour and wry observations which plays off against the harder-hitting stuff excellently. Great job, and the absolute best of luck with it.

PeeJay

BJ Otto wrote 645 days ago

This is an interesting insight into the mind of a convicted first time felon. The story has me intrigued, and I will continue to read. Well done, backed.

flower girl wrote 646 days ago

You describe the emotions involved in all this extremely well. this book would challenge many people about to get caught up in crime. backed.

Lynne Ellison wrote 646 days ago

very intriguing description of an ordinary person's encounters with the criminal legal system.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

nkosi1127 wrote 646 days ago

I too am a cop's daughter - my mom is a policewoman. Good luck with your book. You have a story that some one can learn from.

nkosi1127 wrote 646 days ago

I am already on chapter 5 - knowing that we connect on some things made me very interested in your manuscript. The verse from book of Romans is so true. We both know that now. Anyway so far so good. Your delivery is to the point.

The Equalizer wrote 647 days ago

This is outstanding! The reader can see, hear, and feel what you're going through. The flow is very smooth, and the punctuation and syntax are perfect. Congratulations! I wish you all of God's blessings on htis finely crafted work. BACKED!

Danielle Gin wrote 648 days ago

Once I got through the first paragraph I breezed through the first chapter. Opening lines and paragraphs are crucial to stories as many readers decide then and there if a book is worth reading. Unfortunately I couldn't sink my teeth into your reader's catch, but after the opening I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. The main character has a lot of spunk and her narrative is easy to read and light hearted - despite her difficult situation. I did catch some typos, but nothing an editor won't fix. All in all, nice work!

Danielle Gin
An Angel in New York

tiggertoo wrote 649 days ago

Denise
Wow! This is so real. Whether it's from your mind or history, it's great writing. I only had time to read the first chapter but hopefully my notes will be useful (bear in mind they're just my opinions):

* We (aren't) going to make it - your thinking should be in present tense.
* Up above a fly buzzed - this is an example of how you use small, irrelevant details that make it real. Excellent.
* Wasting the court(')s time
* A chair scrapped - should be scraped
* End of first section: I wasn't convinced she'd be sucker punched by this. surely home detention was the least of her worries. Perhaps she could convince herself earlier that she'll get off - Then I'd feel her shock.
* ...late for work[there's a gap here before the period].
* a radius of 90 feet. Much too big. Pi R squared give the area of a circle, so the leash (radius) would be a little under 17 feet to give about 900 sq feet
* 30 yards on a football field - the problem with this is it's not an area. 30 yards by 1 foot would be 900 sq feet.
* GPS - I don't think you need to explain this in parenthesis
* Cinderella moment - why would she expect it to be? I'd remove this reference.
* The last line after the daydream "sadly it never came to fruition." I don't think the word "fruition" works - it somehow weakens the line. How about: "That was my dream. But the reality would be very different."

Great stuff. This has the hallmark of success. Work at it and make it happen!

BW
Murray (Suspicion)