Aumelan - Blessed of the Gods

I was just reading, taking this new world in, when, 'I'm running down. I need service'. Now THAT wasn't anticipated. This is an amazing culture you've dreamt up: Dee is a servant but one who preserves the lives of her master and others, yet from whom questioning, let alone disobedience, are unacceptable. As to Styne and Becca, 'Where are your servers?' 'Taken by the world above'. Another mystery for the reader to unravel.

The descriptions of the main cavern are remarkable, 'hung like shining streamers in the gaps between pineapple and spaghetti crystals'. This, alongside the three-acre organ of natural formations. On to politics, including those within the family. Clearly Dee and Chad are significantly different beings, if not outwardly, yet there is genuine attraction between them, 'There will never be anything other than that of servant and master between you'. Besides, isn't he 'with' Becca? Hm, not much longer if he lets her in on his thoughts.

There's some striking writing, Charlene: 'the earthy scent of rock and sediment', 'straggled blonde hair netted her face', 'Tiny whips of pain stung his arms and legs', and you breathe real life into the world you've created. Moreover, you set numerous questions running, about the world, above and below ground, about the different peoples and cultures, about relationships. In other words, you extend the mysteries to all aspects of life, on a global and personal level. That engages the reader's intellect and emotion, and keeps the pages turning ... backed.

Possible nit: 'the little girl that [who] was trained'. 'his slate gaze teasing the perimeter of their placement', I don't understand this. 'many inhabitants that [who] filled'. 'I endow you will [with] all the rights'. 'You're [Your] paining over it'. 'stretched his torso to tower his stand'??

Your word choices are fresh without losing simplicity: Woven within the brown threads, tiny ivory knots pocked the canvas. Your romance scenes are sexy (definitely hot over here) and extremely tasteful: Chad fanned his fingers to press into the dip of her stomach and lowered them to urge the top of her panties down.
Your punctuation is spot on, each word seems carefully chosen. Not only is this an enjoyable read, but you know what you are doing writing-wise.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

This is a very good moving story. I have to stop so I can back your book first. I have received many good comments from others. My comment is your story is very interesting and amazing.
Bamboo Promise
Backed

I seem to be reading quite a few adult fantasies lately and this one is one of my favourite. You have a wonderful pitch and follow this with a genuinely well written story that utterly kept my attention. You have a wonderful imagination and it seems to bleed into every page that I read. Your prose is also very fluid and even lyrical. Yes, I enjoyed this a lot.
Carl
The Time Hunters

I haven't finished the second chapter yet, but the first was absolutely wonderful, gripping, and imaginative. The scene with Styne and Becca dying was well crafted. I truly didn't know if Chad and Dee would get there in time. Love fantasy and your work is worthy of my backing and many others. I hope you recieve the support you deserve.

Best of Luck
Natalie

I read the first chapter of AUMELAN. Fantasy is not a genre that I read, so I can't offer you very much in the way of plot, structure, etc. I noticed in Ch. 1 that you have a typo in this line: "The stream continued along the path for a short distance then veered into TO a narrow cavity." Also, that sentence need some punctuation in the middle of it (e.g., insert "and" before "then"). I think "nutrient filled" should be hyphenated. Stylistically, some of your sentences seem a bit overdone. For example, "his slate gaze teasing the perimeter of their placement" doesn't make sense to me. Also, I don't think "concave" is a verb. It seems odd that a "sigh" would accompany "chills". More like a shiver, right?

I often felt confused as I read this chapter because I didn't understand what was happening, but maybe you wanted the chapter to read that way. Specifically, I didn't have a good grasp of the technological/environmental components of the world you'd created (e.g., the significance of the water; the "beam", etc.), nor did I understand what befell the characters, where they were going, where they were coming from, etc. As I mentioned before, I don't read fantasy, but in any genre, it takes a lot of faith for a reader to keep reading if they don't know what's going on. It's one thing for a reader to have no idea what's going to happen next and therefore be intrigued, but it's very different to have your characters know what has already happened yet keep the reader in the dark. Notwithstanding, this tale demonstrates a lot of imagination as you paint the characters of Styne, Chad, Becca, and Dee and the world they live in. Best of luck with this ambitious project.

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

good long pitch. i am backing this again under teh new system...
have a merry Christmas...
j

Full of pleasant surprises. Well written. Backed.

Very imaginative. A convincing fantasy. Endearing characters depicted with skill and keen observation. Their conversations flow naturally. Awesome world building. Vivid sense of place. Compelling storyline. Impressive writing. Only one small nit: 'She wasn't the little girl that was trained to do his bidding anymore.' 'That' should be 'who.' Other than that, this is a compulsive read. Backed.

Thank you for your insightful comments Sly! They are very much appreciated!

Charlene

Thanks for all your support!

Charlene

I was just reading, taking this new world in, when, 'I'm running down. I need service'. Now THAT wasn't anticipated. This is an amazing culture you've dreamt up: Dee is a servant but one who preserves the lives of her master and others, yet from whom questioning, let alone disobedience, are unacceptable. As to Styne and Becca, 'Where are your servers?' 'Taken by the world above'. Another mystery for the reader to unravel.

The descriptions of the main cavern are remarkable, 'hung like shining streamers in the gaps between pineapple and spaghetti crystals'. This, alongside the three-acre organ of natural formations. On to politics, including those within the family. Clearly Dee and Chad are significantly different beings, if not outwardly, yet there is genuine attraction between them, 'There will never be anything other than that of servant and master between you'. Besides, isn't he 'with' Becca? Hm, not much longer if he lets her in on his thoughts.

There's some striking writing, Charlene: 'the earthy scent of rock and sediment', 'straggled blonde hair netted her face', 'Tiny whips of pain stung his arms and legs', and you breathe real life into the world you've created. Moreover, you set numerous questions running, about the world, above and below ground, about the different peoples and cultures, about relationships. In other words, you extend the mysteries to all aspects of life, on a global and personal level. That engages the reader's intellect and emotion, and keeps the pages turning ... backed.

Possible nit: 'the little girl that [who] was trained'. 'his slate gaze teasing the perimeter of their placement', I don't understand this. 'many inhabitants that [who] filled'. 'I endow you will [with] all the rights'. 'You're [Your] paining over it'. 'stretched his torso to tower his stand'??

good style and plot. Backed.

I invite you to read The Rebel.

God Bless, Chipper

Dear Charlene

loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

You are totally fantastic, Charlene! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Charlene

A fascinating well-written opening, although the symbiotic relationship between masters and servants is far from clear - I had to go back to the pitch to understand what was going on. Much as I hate obvious exposition in books, I don't think people will be willing to postpone elucidation much beyond the first chapter! I also couldn't understand why the servants would continue to be servants, when the masters are so utterly dependent on them - what hold do the masters have over the servants? But I daresay that is explained later on. Overall the work is very professional and should find a ready audience among fantasy fans. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

This is very well crafted, the words have been well chosen and the dialogue has a quality which few achieve - doing just what needs to be done. Sometimes a phrase may not quite ring true for me, for example:

Chad may be known for achieving merits far above many of his people...

but these are very much the exception. This is a well conceived and well realised fantasy, the pacing suits me well, so I hope it works for others, the plot seems to be worth hanging a story on, and you clearly have an aptitude for this genre. Thank you.

I just backed your book Aumelan-Blessed of the Gods. Interesting plot line. Love the creativity.

Please take a look at Gateway to the World of Light and Shadow.

Thanks,

Jason

"It is wondrous." "The World of the Sun is that, Dee. The Hollow Hand has nothing to compare." That may be true but it can be dangerous. I like the way you start this. You draw the reader into the world of Chad and Dee immediately and we quickly begin to see how the World Above could appear to people living Beneath the Rock. I'm envious of Chad's ability to call others with his mind. It's a great way to fish. I'm enjoying this so far. I'll be back to read more once I get some time. Backed for now.

First, allow me to say congratulations on your contracts! That is the golden nugget we all hope for someday! Would you be willing to back my book (if you feel it is worthy of it). Thanks so much for your time. Just know it is appreciated!
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

Fantastic and what a wonderful voice you bring in fresh narrative authority to the genre. Fabulous.

BACKED

Dear Charlene --

I generally add a disclaimer that fantasy/sci-fi fiction is not my strongest category, but I can tell you what I like. In Aumelan - Blessed of the Gods, I immediately liked the way that you slowly bring us into Chad's world. Your transition is gentle, revealing small details -- the description of Dee's frock, then the revealation that she's Chad's servant, and that they're exploring the tunnels of Moraine. I also liked immensely that their names are Chad and Dee; pronouncable and accessible. And your premise truly intrigued me, particularly that Chad must make a choice between accepting the endowment or holding onto the tradition of slavery. All of this coupled with the strength of your style would entice me to read this story.

Thanks so much for backing The Long Black Veil, as you brought me here to back your fine work. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Well written piece. I thought the first scene in the caves had a lot of smiling and grinning in it. Just stood out a bit. I think you set the scene nicely and characters came across. Backed.

Your style is very elegant, yet simple, which is not easy to accomplish by any means. I like that the romance aspect starts out at the beginning of the story, which then lends itself to romantic/sexual tension throughout the story. Very nicely written prose, very real feeling characters. All in all, well done and backed with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

Thanks for your backing. Your story is rich and I look forward to reading more of it. Feel free to comment on mine, when and if you have anytime.If not, no sweat. Have a beautiful evening.
Best,
Christopher

AUMELAN: BLESSED OF THE GODS: before i came to authonomy my knowledge was limited to thei world and the world of faith. Yours is one of those from the fantasy range (aren't all our stories fantasy of one sort or another?) that I find fascinating.
You have a gift of telling a story without loosing pace to the revealing of essential information. As a reader I found this to be a compelling read and one that I enjoyed immensely.
I am no expert on gramma/punctuation (as my books reveal) but I ofund your writing flowed well and the dialogue ( something I do take pride in) is beautifully done.

Well done and I am sure the rest of the book will be of the same high standard.

Rev Raven Scott (Love is a colour too) (('Coming ready or not' , a christain factual book)

Hi Charlene,

This is a new look to Fantasy Romance, which is usually barbaric or fairytale in a childish way. You've added a dimension of modern romance to your fantasy, which is fresh and very good if I might say. Why no one has thought to do it before is beyond me. Your characters are amazing, a tribute to your characterization talents. I really enjoyed reading this and I back it 100%.

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

A finely crafted, well paced and well written adult fantasy. Your use of imagery is rich and excellent and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Thank you so much for all your comments and advice! I appreciate each one!

fancie

Romance is not really my thing, but you've written a charming opening that might even draw in us more cynical types. Nice way of weaving in the fantasy, as well. My one critique would be the times when you begin a number of sentences with pronouns; it causes some sameness in your otherwise strong writing. Recast some of those sentences, and the writing will be even better. Happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

Beautiful stuff!
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Thank you, everyone for the kind words and help! :)

fancie
Aumelan
Echoes

You've created your own fantasy genre lore that could easily serve a series of books. Your writing is smooth and vividly descriptive, which is absolutely necessary in order for readers to envision the lore you've created. Your balance of story telling and historical back ground is good, as is the dialogue. I think this is a fantasy book that lots of people are going to like.
Best of luck getting a speedy trip to success.
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

Your vivid imagination has created a new world and your smooth writing style easily transports the reader there. Excellent use of imagery and your character development is solid. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior. The Beginning

Love the pitch and how you back it up, good luck. Backed E.Loraine Royal Blood chronicles book one

Interesting premise and very hard to put down. Should do very well on here. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Hi Charlene, The journeys in the caverns were an enchanting outset and the dynamics between the four puzzled and prodded me on. I liked Chad’s relationships telling about the stratums. It becomes an enticing country with the subterranean description. And symbolic! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I never used to like fantasy novels very much, but these that create their own universe of lore are beginning to impress me and writers who can maintain the lore without stealing too much from human reality impress me even more. Aside from having a wonderful book, your wrting craft is excellent, with no distractions along the way and new, interesting concepts to keep my mind curious at a nice steady pace.
Excellent job and my best wishes that you have a speedy trip to success and the money wagon.
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

The quality of your writing is evident from the first sentence to the interesting hook at the end of chapter one. Imaginative, creative and clever, all come to mind when reading this entertaining story. Already on my shelf.

Aumelan

What a great narrative opening, I wonder if you thought of enhancing it a little with descriptive sounds, like from the water? Just a thought.
I think the sexual style of writing is very impressive almost sensual it kind of oozes.
Your imagination seems to stroke emotions so well, loving and dying. Fantasy at it’s supreme best!

This is an interesting and potentially complicated concept, and you have done a great job of keeping it clear and concise for the reader. Stunning language and strong characterisation compliment the overall tone of this promising work.

Well done!
Abi xxx

Thank you very much!

This is an interesting and potentially complicated concept, and you have done a great job of keeping it clear and concise for the reader. Stunning language and strong characterisation compliment the overall tone of this promising work.

Well done!
Abi xxx

I haven't start reading yet, but the genre, and the pitch interested me. If I want to buy a book I won't need to read the whole chapter. Like many people do, we just read the pitch, look the tittle and the cover.
Backed with pleasure,
Bamboo Promise

This is a very good moving story. I have to stop so I can back your book first. I have received many good comments from others. My comment is your story is very interesting and amazing.
Bamboo Promise
Backed

Your word choices are fresh without losing simplicity: Woven within the brown threads, tiny ivory knots pocked the canvas. Your romance scenes are sexy (definitely hot over here) and extremely tasteful: Chad fanned his fingers to press into the dip of her stomach and lowered them to urge the top of her panties down.
Your punctuation is spot on, each word seems carefully chosen. Not only is this an enjoyable read, but you know what you are doing writing-wise.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

You create a new world with some lovely descriptions and the writing is smooth. I have only read the first few chapters but this different society promises to create a compelling tale. One small point With all the unusual names and differences I felt that I needed more time to get to know them.

John
Call of the thunsderbird

I thought your pitch was a tad weak. This is your time to draw the reader in, make sure you do that! I'm not much of a fantasy fan but I enjoyed how you started out with action. Your instantly sparked with curiousity...try to put some of this "spark" into your pitch. Also try to vary sentence structure.
CamilleClasse
Life (As Told By Camille)

Thanks Camille. Any suggestions on how to make it sparkle? I'm open.

fancie

I thought your pitch was a tad weak. This is your time to draw the reader in, make sure you do that! I'm not much of a fantasy fan but I enjoyed how you started out with action. Your instantly sparked with curiousity...try to put some of this "spark" into your pitch. Also try to vary sentence structure.
CamilleClasse
Life (As Told By Camille)

A rare fantasy, full of feeling, and feelings we can understand. Brilliant. Backed.Lynn

I love the cover, purple is my favourite colour. The title and the pitch are excellent as is the brilliant opening, starts with something happening which is my fav way to start and you know something is happening. Excellent descriptions and brilliant pace make this a total joy to read. Backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Thank you for your time with Aumelan. I appreciate every comment and will take the advice give. :)

fancie

I was never really a fan of fantasy until I started reading on this site, and this one stands out as something special to me. You're a wonderful writer and I love your voice through this. The detail and the characters are also very intriguing. I can tell you put a lot of work into this and it really shows. I can't imagine the amount of time it takes to create a fantasy novel! I really enjoyed what I read, this is set up to be an exciting read.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

I seem to be reading quite a few adult fantasies lately and this one is one of my favourite. You have a wonderful pitch and follow this with a genuinely well written story that utterly kept my attention. You have a wonderful imagination and it seems to bleed into every page that I read. Your prose is also very fluid and even lyrical. Yes, I enjoyed this a lot.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Whose ancestors? His people <-- can you define this? Think on both of these pitches you need more definition. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader whether here on this website or in a book shoppe. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Dear Charlene, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up. Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :)
Love, Susie :)