Book Jacket

 

rank 469
word count 13860
date submitted 11.04.2010
date updated 09.06.2010
genres: Fiction, Comedy
classification: moderate
complete

Talking Shop

Peter Scholes and Darren Martin

A playscript comedy set in a fictional shop. A modern day 'Fawlty Towers".

 

Welcome to the shopping world of BYERITE. The store is managed by arrogant and ambitious manager, Mr Colin Jordan. His visions for the store are supported by his flowery assistant, Mr Christopher Reeve.
Colin is constantly trying to impress the stores repulsive Director Larry Forsyth and his sycophantic tendencies are as apparent as Larry’s own obvious disdain for blatant homosexual, Chris.
Supporting Colin are a diverse collection of societies misfits ranging from the retired schoolteacher to the impressionable warehouse apprentice and then there is Charlie.
Throughout the play the staff face a number of challenging ‘initiatives’ faxed from Head Office. These are often wrongly interpreted and conveyed to the staff by Mr Jordan eager to please his superiors.
In ‘Three for one’, we are introduced to the staff at the morning briefing. Here, Colin in his enthusiasm has misread the crucial details of Larry’s fax from Head Office. A message that should have read ‘Bye one get free freeze’ in Colin’s head has become ‘Bye one get three free’. This misunderstanding leads to utter chaos as he leads his dim-witted staff on a mission that could see the shop bankrupt before the day is over!

 
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tags

comedy, drama, script, theatre and entertainment.

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38 comments

 

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Nigel Fields wrote 480 days ago

This is better than Fawlty Towers. Very funny, indeed. Starred.
Best wises and thank you,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Raymond Crane wrote 481 days ago

I have backed Talking Shop before and so now, appreciating its merits I GIVE IT TOP STAR RATING AND WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK - thanks for your kind attention - R

cara_ruegg wrote 539 days ago

So I just about died laughing throughout this. :p I think it would an awesome series. You just need to find yourself a director!

Bocri wrote 572 days ago

Talking Shop has a highly workable premise and all the elements for an a smooth active presentation. While I am not an expert on scriptwriting this one is comprehensive, clear and provides any would be director with excellent and unambiguous guidance. The interaction between the players is balanced and lends itself to the juxtaposition of their personal traits with the resultant comedic effect. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Katy Christie wrote 589 days ago

With a plethora of double-entendres, you have captured the retail world under the counter. This is funny and spouts realistic dialogue.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Olive May wrote 119 days ago

Too Funny!!!!

S L Stockford wrote 338 days ago

Peter

Thanks so much for backing my novel Fresco. Like your works I see my novel bouncing up and down like a yoyo in the rating system. Having been first in the weekly lists for a forthnight it plummeted over night.

I am pleasantly surprised to see a play on the site and look forward to reading it.

If you have a moment to offer me any thoughts on Fresco I will reciprocate on your comedy. Thank you again.

S L Stockford

Nigel Fields wrote 480 days ago

This is better than Fawlty Towers. Very funny, indeed. Starred.
Best wises and thank you,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Raymond Crane wrote 481 days ago

I have backed Talking Shop before and so now, appreciating its merits I GIVE IT TOP STAR RATING AND WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK - thanks for your kind attention - R

SEvans wrote 509 days ago

Cheeky, rude, un PC and cringeworthy. I loved it!

Sofia

jennymartin1 wrote 528 days ago

I thought it was a fantastic script. Very funny!!! x x x (Jenny Martin)

Bob Jones wrote 538 days ago

Hi Peter and Darren,
I'm not much on critting screenplays, but I Talking Shop has the feel and sound of a script well done. The dialouge and interplay between characters pulls the story forward in a lighthearted and clear way.
Good work!
Bob Jones
TakeAway

lizjrnm wrote 538 days ago

I backed this before the big change and I am re-backing it because it is hilarious and I'd buy it!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

cara_ruegg wrote 539 days ago

So I just about died laughing throughout this. :p I think it would an awesome series. You just need to find yourself a director!

Bocri wrote 572 days ago

Talking Shop has a highly workable premise and all the elements for an a smooth active presentation. While I am not an expert on scriptwriting this one is comprehensive, clear and provides any would be director with excellent and unambiguous guidance. The interaction between the players is balanced and lends itself to the juxtaposition of their personal traits with the resultant comedic effect. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

Katy Christie wrote 589 days ago

With a plethora of double-entendres, you have captured the retail world under the counter. This is funny and spouts realistic dialogue.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

nenno wrote 596 days ago

Clever writing - witty, droll. Backed.

Eunice Attwood wrote 615 days ago

What a delightful romp with a very funny cast of characters. You have succeeded in creating a wonderful work of art here. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

lizjrnm wrote 618 days ago

Awesome, original, and easy to back.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Ariom Dahl wrote 619 days ago

To be honest, I’d prefer that chapter 11 re the characters to be at the beginning, so I could get a feel for them before I started reading the dialogue. Byerite – LOL. I’m not sure about naming one of your characters Christopher Reeve … was a real person. Hmm. Charlie’s a mystery.
Very Benny Hill style of humour. (I was actually hoping for ‘Are You Being Served ‘ style humour … but the first chapter did make me laugh.

K.G. Berlin wrote 664 days ago

..its always a shock when you find yoursellf reading about yourself..this will be an excellent very fast and funny play! A great setting...all the commings and goings but this ones staying on my bookshelf.

Diane60 wrote 702 days ago

Peter and Darren,

More like a teleplay than for the stage. It reminds me of a sit com that is out there i think on BBC 3 or 4.
Some of the dialougue needs to be more punchy. Try reading it out oud there is a rhythm to get into and this is't quite making it but it is good and i think with tweaking it could be better.

Diane

Famlavan wrote 710 days ago

THIS IS GOOD!

It took no time at all to get into this – Brilliant.
Think the opening is great (glad there is someone else on this site who is into groin scratching).
You have created a very funny play and one I easily could imagine being played out. – Good luck!

Stec wrote 712 days ago

Firstly, this has many moments of really well written comedy. The two of you have talent and you know how to write gags. I laughed out loud at the fact the guy has been here for fifty plus years and is taking English lessons. The idea that they misread the fax is also very funny. That could play out very well. The premise is also really good.
Lot'sof really good characters as well
Right, my thoughts as far as I know shit--and that's not much. This is very hit and miss (so are all sitcoms/plays) and it could be tighter. Get five or six people (not the book climbers on here) to read it and tell you what they thought was funny and what didn't work. Weedle out the weak stuff and re-write it. Drop the easy target stuff like the Asian guy having tourettes--it doesn't work. Swear where appropriate,but not because you want to be all channel four-I love swearing but only when it's funny--so look at that.
Try and decide if you want to write funny dialogue of funny physical comedy--in my opinion fart gags are well below what you two do here in this work.
I really think you two are very good comedy writers--the genesis of a very good sitcom/play is in this--you haven't written it yet but you can and you will.
I'm sorry if I sound patronising--or Billy Bigtime--I'm not--I just want to try and help two guys who have real talent

I like a lot of this. And I read a lot of this--unlike some.

Good luck--keep editing and keep getting readers to go over it .

you will get there.

Steve

Wendymc wrote 715 days ago

Very well written a credit to both of you. It was great to read and made me laugh too. It should be on stage or screen as I would go and watch it :-)

missyfleming_22 wrote 716 days ago

What an enjoyable read! I like being surprised and this one definitely did it. The characters are very easy to like and the situations you put them in feel all too real. Very funny and it brightened up my day.

Missy

Bradpete wrote 716 days ago

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to read and reply. I agree that we have a lot of room for improvement and hopefully a specialist in this field can make it tighter and more focused. The script did originally start as a screen play and has developed into a playscript as it has been accepted for production by an excellent theatre group for a three night slot in January. This was, at first, a pilot episode (with 6 other episodes to follow). As the characters developed and their relationships blossomed the links between them would have been staggered but for the stage (and a one off showing) we felt it important to build these into the script.
As for the jokes/writing style. Thank you for your honest opinions. Obviously some jokes will amuse some and not others. Our intention was never to use a cheap shot for comedy value. The 'fart' scene was a chance to introduce the 'watcher' to the setting and the people in the room. The strength of the acting would decide if this was quality viewing or 'carry on' style toilet humour. We hope its the former.
The Perry and Andre was a tennis link and not based on the rather camp singer at all (Fred Perry/Andre Aggassi). As for poor Ali, some may view that as a cheap shot and yet he is actually based on someone we used to know - an Asian Muslim with tourettes - yes they do exist! Ali has actually won the affections of many of the readers so we are more than content for him to keep swearing away behind his otherwise inoffensive façade.
You are very much right when you say we need to hone this writing into something tangible for a larger audience and if you are able to help in any way or point us in the right direction, I am all ears. And if you were to meet me you would know I am speaking quite literally.
Thanks once again
Pete

Mooderino wrote 716 days ago

I thought Chelsea's twins were called Peter and Andre for a minute.

For a stage play you may have too many characters. To be honest oit read more like a sitcom and possibly should be aimed in that direction. The humour was quite broad but generally amusing.

The fart joke at the start didn't really work for me. It's obvious what's going on from the page, but as a watching audience member it wouldn't really be that easy to tell someone had dropped one, just that something smelled. It's a bit of a weak gag.

Giving someone tourette's is also pretty cheap laughs. You guys can write jokes, the 57 years in Britain thing was a good one, but there was quite a scattergun approach, and the scenes seemed quite long. For example why is Gladys giving Ali an English lesson? Why now? How does it serve the story? It felt quite arbitrary, a way to get in some jokes. The overall feeling is like a revue more than a play, with sketches linked by a shop setting.

It is quite funny and technically the writing is very good. Happy to back it, but just not sure what it is.

Heather Taylor wrote 716 days ago

The characters are very well put together and the lines are very funny. I'd love to see this script brought to life in a theatre.

Raymond Crane wrote 717 days ago

I liked your pitch so I backed your book - PERHAPS YOU COULD HAVE A LOOK AT MY BOOKS - thank you and good luck !

The Observed wrote 719 days ago

Genuine LOL stuff.........well written boys!!
Keep writing more and more of these intersting pieces to keep us entertained!

Lady Racer xx

DP Walker wrote 723 days ago

Hi Peter and Darren
I really enjoyed reading this and it is great to read something totally different on here. I felt like I knew almost all the characters straightaway - some of the typical people you come across on a daily basis, only hilariously exaggerated. A real classic British comedy piece.
DP Walker
Five Dares

drachat wrote 723 days ago

This is a very funny play. I like when Ali is trying to finish his crossword puzzle- and his tourette's outbursts.

Very well done and happily backed
Denise

Andrew Burans wrote 724 days ago

This is a finely crafted, well written and very funny play. Your play is well paced and the character development is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

carlashmore wrote 724 days ago

Now this did make me laugh. Very refreshing to read a play on her, guys. It's also very funny. It's hard to critique (I'm so attuned to looking at novels), but I have to say I thought the line about '57 years' was hilarious. Infact, much of this is laugh out loud funny. In some ways it reminded me of a naughtier John Godber. Ali was my standout character.
Good luck
Carl
x

Rusty Bernard wrote 724 days ago

Hi Peter,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Melcom wrote 725 days ago

A fun read and once you get into the different format it really is entertaining.

Happily shelved
Melxxx
Impeding Justice

Su Dan wrote 726 days ago

this is a great idea, packed with humour and some serious issues. good work...on wl...
su dan...read SEASONS...

soutexmex wrote 732 days ago

As a general rule, I just BACK screenplays outright. Sorry - I just don't have the expertise.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 733 days ago

I like it all. All that's needed for the camera crew are stage directions. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Burgio wrote 733 days ago

TALKING SHOP
I don’t get to read many potential screenplays here so this was a nice change of place. If I have a suggestion it would be to decide whether you want this to be a play or a screenplay (scripts for plays list characters; scripts for movies never do that). Either way, you don’t want to include camera angles (those are the director’s not the writer’s choice). And if you’re up to yet another piece of advice: the mark of a movie script is action (they’re called movies because characters move); that means you might want to begin with something to catch your audience’s eyes more than characters sitting talking (that’s called a “talking heads” scene). A strength of the script is your dialogue. It’s well done and a big plus. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Bob Flemming wrote 740 days ago

Excellent original ideas..superb interactive between the character!
well done!

SusieGulick wrote 742 days ago

Dear Peter, I love you setting & your introduction of all of the characters so that I could readily follow you play - excellently well done. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was excellent. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue & explanations, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help it move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

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